I got a weekend pass from the AREA 51 Retirement Home to attend Holleman's Karaoke at Sabores Restaurant Friday. The turnout was great and I was fortunate to see two of my favorite ladies, Ileana and Sandra. It was also good to see my pal high school Randy and his lovely lady Linda, as well as my friends Carol, Luly and many others.
After Holleman's Restaurant was sold, there had been a part of the community that somehow went lacking and the rebirth of Holleman's Karaoke at Sabores Restaurant reunited a close and well knit group, most of whom have known each other for quite a while, some biblically.
There were many good karaoke performances by a host of singers and quite a few people dancing to the music. As usual, the venue was filled with a plethora of lovely ladies.
It was a personal delight for me to see the always beautiful Ileana and to meet the lovely Sandra, my long time Blogger friend, in person. Additionally, I met a new friend, Henry, who was accompanying Sandra.
On a personal note, there were quite a few Facebook friends people that I was able to greet but whose names I could not recall. On a similar note, I rarely remember what I had for breakfast.
All in all, it was a very memorable evening and I hope that the owners of Sabores Restaurant continue a long lasting tradition.
The News As I See It: Reporters and celebrities attended the White House Correspondents Dinner last Saturday evening. It'll was a bit awkward when the reporters from CNN spent all night trying to find their table.
The political scene in Washington is one of few places I've seen that's more grasping and desperate than show business. Hollywood and politics are very different, of course. One puts out big-budget crap filled with explosions and the other one is Hollywood.
An old tour bus used by Willie Nelson is for sale on eBay for $36,000. That makes sense.... 6 grand for the bus and 30 grand for whatever you find in the seat cushions.
The Amazing Spiderman 2 opened last week. They say it's the best since the last "Amazing Spiderman 2."
George Clooney bought a beautiful diamond engagement ring. Over three years the ring slowly dissolves, at which point the bride knows she should leave George to make room for his next relationship.
This Date In History: 1809;
Mary Kies of South Killingly, Connecticut, became the first woman to be granted a patent. The patent was for the rights to a technique for weaving straw with silk and thread.
1821;
Napoleon Bonaparte died on the island of St. Helena.
1891;
Carnegie Hall (then known as Music Hall) opened in New York City. Peter Tchaikovsky was the guest conductor.
1925;
John Scopes was arrested in Tennessee for teaching Darwinism.
1961;
Alan Shepard became the first American in space.
1981;
Bobby Sands of the Irish Republican Army died in a prison hospital on the 66th day of his hunger strike.
2004;
Pablo Picasso's "Boy with a Pipe" became the most expensive painting ever sold.
Picture Of The Day: The beautiful Ileana (left) is also an accomplished artist and many of her works appear in various art museums. The lovely Sandra (right) is an accomplished dance artist. The content gent in the middle sings occasionally and from the look on his face, has just realized that he has no idea where he parked his car.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) According to my neighbor's rooster, it's 5am now. Coincidentally, tomorrow we're having fried chicken for dinner.
2) My neighbor's wifi isn't working. I wonder if they are aware and are trying to fix it or should I go let them know?
3) My girlfriend's been having a problem with diarrhea. The doctor told her lemons will help. Maybe so, but as soon as she takes one out, it starts again. 4) Look, if you really need a Heimlich maneuver, just ask me nicely. Enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit. 5) (Me): "In my defense, Your Honor, I only made comments about her yoga pants cause 'harassment' a lot to me" (Judge): "Bailiff, please hi-five the defendant.".....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Pisces - May 5th: Be on your toes because today is Cinco de Maio day. In English that means the fifth of May. I'm unsure of the significance but, just in case, tomorrow is Seis de Maio.
Word meanings are important so becareful what you say. My friend called his girlfriend "Gluteal Myalgia" because he thought she was too dumb to understand what it meant. Maybe not, she calls him "Microphallus"
Birthdays: Soren Kierkegaard,
philosopher and religious thinker 1813, Karl Marx, German social philosopher, chief theorist of modern socialism and communism 1818,
Nellie Bly,
journalist 1867,
Tyrone Power,
actor 1914,
Arthur L Schawlow,
physicist 1921,
Tammy Wynette,
country singer 1942,
Adele,
singer 1988.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: In 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico . But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank and the cargo was forever lost.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as "Sinko De Mayo."
An elderly couple was attending church services when about halfway through, the old woman leans over and says to him, "I just silently passed gas, what do you think I should do?"
The old man leans over to her and replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid..."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My
A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a woman with a particularly large diamond ring. As he admired the ring, the bartender came over and said, "That's the Glopman diamond. It's beautiful, but it comes with a curse."
The man asked, "What's the curse?" The bartender replied, "Mrs. Glopman."
The owner of a drugstore walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall with an odd look on his face. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here at 7 am to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him! He's afraid to cough!"
That's it for today, my little tequila worms. Remember, my friends and readers, I'll always be here for you....unless we run out of beer and someone has some over there.
Then I'll be over there for you.
More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !
Change is constant, but I'd sure like to see a new bar in the area that provided a consistent and reasonable place to go with friends. It seems like yesterday that I was sitting with my pal Randy at Holleman's Restaurant in Miami Springs, but it's been sold.
It seems like every time I find a bar that fits my lifestyle, it either changes or goes under. Oh, there's plenty of places around that are constantly packed, but the majority of them are filled with the younger set, overpriced and noisy.
There have been a lot of good bars around, especially with live music and good prices, but they just seem unable to withstand the financial pressures involved with a successful bar. It takes about a year for a good bar to establish itself and one must have the financial wherewithal to weather the storm.
At Holleman's Restaurant, the crowds were always warm and friendly, especially on Fridays with Karaoke. But I could see the writing on the wall when I happened to have dinner there one Saturday night and the dining room was just about empty.
Back in the day, especially during the horse racing season, there was an hour wait for a table, but it was always worth the wait. Of course, the added bonus was that I knew just about everyone there.
Nevertheless, I'm hoping that the new owners establish the same crowd and the restaurant is successful.
The News As I See It: This week marks the fifth anniversary of the collapse of Lehman Brothers, which sparked the recession. Think about how bad things were back then. We had unemployment over 7 percent. The debt was out of control. There were wars breaking out all over the globe. Thank God that's all behind us now, huh?
Joe Biden has people talking that he'll run for president after he was spotted at a fundraiser in Iowa this week. Unfortunately, he missed giving his speech because he spent four hours trapped in a corn maze. Biden's niece was recently arrested. The hardest part about arresting a Biden is convincing them they have the right to remain silent.
This Date In History: 1759;
French Quebec surrendered to the British after the September 13 battle on the Plains of Abraham, the last battle of the French and Indian Wars. French general Montcalm and British general Wolfe died in the fray.
1810;
Chile declared its independence from Spain.
1850;
Congress passed the Fugitive Slave Act, which required the return of escaped slaves to their owners.
1851;
The first edition of The New York Daily Times, which later became The New York Times, was published.
1947;
The National Security Act, which unified the Army, Navy, and Air Force, was passed.
1961;
Secretary-General of the UN Dag Hammarskjold was killed in a plane crash in Northern Rhodesia (Zambia).
1970;
27-year-old rock star, Jimi Hendrix, died in London.
1999;
Sammy Sosa became the first player in major league baseball history to hit 60 homers in two seasons.
Picture Of The Day: I've found my perfect cabin in the woods.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Miley Cyrus and her fiance have split up. I guess it just didn’t twerk out.
2) I had a few scotches last night and I discovered that the USB port on my cat doesn't work.
3) Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girlfriend's hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins.
4) How to kill a spider: Get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly and very carefully, burn the house down.
5) I asked my girlfriend if she could name the four main food groups. she said, "Canned, frozen, drive-thru and fried.".....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 18th: Your long-term plans will come into fruition this month. Beware of speeding buses. Find some candles, tonight may be filled with darkness.
Birthdays: My ex-wife Caroline and my nephew Billy - Happy Birthday to both of you 19XX, Samuel Johnson, English author 1709,, Joseph Story,
jurist 1779,
Leon Foucault,
physicist 1819,
Greta Garbo,
actress 1905, Frankie Avalon,
singer 1939,
Lance Armstrong,
cyclist 1971.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a man, Tom Maynard, has sued St Luke's Hospital, saying that after his wife had surgery there, she lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied,"Mrs. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology. All we did was correct her eyesight."
One morning, a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus the driver says, "Wow that is one ugly baby."
The woman deeply hurt just continued on the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man. The man asks, "What's wrong you look mad?"
She replied, "I am. That bus driver just insulted me."
The man replied, "You shouldn't take that from him. He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would take down his badge number and report him.
The woman said, "You're right sir. I think I will report him."
The elderly man says, "You go on up there and get his badge number. I'll hold your monkey for you."
 |
| "Enough!" |
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."
And the Lord said, "I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration."
So God created CAT to be a companion to Adam.
And Cat would not obey Adam.
And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.
And Cat did not care one way or the other.
Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a warning sign that read: “Danger! Beware of dog!” posted on the door. Inside, he noticed a harmless little dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.
The man asked the owner, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" The owner replied, "Yep, that’s him." The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. "That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" The owner explained, "Because, before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
That's it for today, my little doodle bugs. Remember, if bears ruled the world, they wouldn't care whether or not the humans they ate were free-range. It's time for happy hour in AREA 51.
More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !
Youth is a fleeting memory and, within reason, should be enjoyed to it's fullest. As one matures, things slow a bit, become more predictable and to some degree, life becomes a bit more dependable.
Therein lies the rub, the trade always seems between the exhilaration of youth and fast times or maturity and dependability.
This year, there have been times that both aspects of life have angered and disappointed me. That's because I've become accustomed to everything in its place and a place for everything.
Death has taken some of my dearest friends in the past few years, people that I foolishly thought would always be there. Additionally, although I haven't been there as much as I like lately, Holleman's Restaurant has been purchased and the name has been changed.
To imagine that, two years ago, I couldn't call an old friend and have dinner and drinks at Hollemans would have made me laugh. Yet, it is so. My friend Victor passed recently and Hollemans is no more. I thank God for the memories, though, as they belong to me and cannot be taken or purchased.
On a brighter note, Hialeah Park is scheduled to open its new casino this month, my family and I are well and I'm going to take more outings with old friends to see more places, both new and old. Maybe one day, I'll be as intelligent as my heroes, Jack and Sherry Darnell, who continually tour the United States in their motor home visiting places, seeing old friends and making new ones.
By the way, my pal Jack doesn't have a horse and I know how and when to use capital letters. This may not have meaning now, but you'll understand my reasoning later in this post.....
The News As I See It: Obama met with the Greek prime minister to discuss reforming Greece's economy. He talked with the prime minister of Greece about the economy. Actually, it’s "the blind leading the blind."
Anthony Weiner has released a 19-page booklet on how to improve life in New York City. Oh, please. If Weiner wants to improve life in New York City, he should move to New Jersey.
The NFL says they are going to crack down on excessive celebrations this season. The only time they will allow a celebration is when an NFL player is found "not guilty."
A movie just opened called "Elysium" staring Matt Damon. The movie takes place in the future where a lot of things are very different and earth has been overrun with crime, disease, and pollution. Basically, it's just a story about modern day Los Angeles.
The New York City Department of Education says that only 26 percent of the city's students passed the English portion on a recent standardized test. But on the bright side, they're too bad at math to realize how bad that is.
I guess you all heard about this terrorist threat that Obama warned us about. One of the reasons al-Qaida is upset with the United States is because we are giving aid to Yemen. We didn’t have a choice. When life hands you Yemen, you give them Yemen aid. (I apologize for that one but it's been a slow news day).
Researchers at the University of Chicago say that dolphins, not elephants, have the longest memories in the animal kingdom. They confirmed this when a dolphin was upset that an elephant it had met 20 years ago didn’t even recognize him.
This Date In History: 1624;
Cardinal Richelieu was named chief minister of France by king Louis XIII.
1851;
Issac Singer patented the sewing machine.
1865;
British surgeon Joseph Lister became the first doctor to use an antiseptic during surgery.
1898;
A peace protocol ending the Spanish-American War was signed.
1898;
Hawaii was formally annexed to the United States.
1972;
The last American combat troops left Vietnam.
1985;
In the world's worst single-aircraft disaster, a Japan Air Lines 747 crashed into Mount Osutaka, killing 520 of the 524 aboard.
1998;
Swiss banks agreed to pay $1.25 billion to settle lawsuits brought by Holocaust survivors and their heirs. The banks had kept millions of dollars deposited by Holocaust victims before and during World War II.
2000;
The Russian military submarine, Kursk, and its crew were lost in the Barents Sea.
2004;
N.J. governor James McGreevey announced his resignation.
Picture Of The Day: Colors......provided free from the Lord above to stimulate your senses and combined with the fruits and vegetables above, fill you completely.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If really good-looking people are "eye candy", I guess that puts me somewhere around the "eye broccoli" category.
2) "Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight." -- The Swiss Army. 3) When I'm looking for a parking spot I turn the radio down because clearly I can see better when it's quieter.
4) Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
5) I remember when my ex-wife and I decided not to have children. The kids took it pretty hard......and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 12th: Chasing cats and dogs around the streets after midnight is probably not the best way to endear yourself to your neighbors. Countries that you believe have issued orders for your arrest will close in, but all the charges will be dropped. You'll be fine, eventually, but you will have to go without clean pants for a couple of days.
Birthdays: George IV, king of Great Britain and Ireland (1820–30), eldest son and successor of George III 1762, Katharine Lee Bates,
author 1859,
Jacinto Benavente,
dramatist 1866,
Mary Roberts Rinehart,
novelist 1876,
Christy Mathewson,
baseball player 1880,
Cecil B. De Mille,
film director 1881,
Erwin Schrödinger,
theoretical physicist 1887,
Cantinflas,
actor 1911,
George Hamilton,
actor, producer 1939,
Pete Sampras,
tennis player 1971.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer.
After her Last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that ambulance?"
God replied, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."
People who send text messages and emails have forgotten the art of the use of capital of letters. For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement. "Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse." I hope this clears every thing up.
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my friend Linda in Washington State for her contribution to today's stories.
A big shot executive had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.
She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
The nurse said, "No, I'm sorry, but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!" She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing.
After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.
The Doctor asks, "What's going on here?"
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."
At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Adelaide, they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and
share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, '"Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"
The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?"
Giuseppe proudly replied, "I gonna go pick her up."
That's it for today, my little rosebuds. Remember, nothing says "I love you" more than a waitress bringing you another beer before you ask.
More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !
My Friday night jaunt to AREA 51 turned out to a great evening. I went to Holleman's Restaurant in Miami Springs to see my pal Randy and also to see Ileana, a fellow blogger and online friend. The Karaoke show was in full swing and I sat with Randy, reminiscing about our old high school days.
I chatted with Randy and his brother for a while and then Ileana stopped by to say hello. I had a great time talking and joking with Iliana and eventually went up to sing a song. I had several requests, but I sang anyway. I hung out with my friends until the bar closed.
From Hollemans, I headed over to the Billiards Club and caught some of the Olympic programming on the big television screens. Sometime in the wee hours, I figured it was time to race the newspaper boy to my front door and call it a night. The paperboy won this time as I arrived a little after 5 am.
I sat down to have a nightcap and watch television for a while. My only error was that I leaned back in the recliner or as I like to call it, "put it in cruise control." I awoke around 10 am with my cat, Possum sleeping comfortably on my chest. Life is good.....
The News As I See It: A judge has ruled that Katherine Jackson, Michael’s mother, will no longer have custody of Michael’s kids because of bad decisions. Not only that, but they took down her statue from the Neverland Ranch.
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said he will think about running for president in 2016 if Obama wins in November. Until then, he said he'll just think about pancakes.
Mitt Romney annoyed the British by saying that London seemed unprepared for the Olympics. You know, putting his foot in his mouth like that is not very presidential. Vice presidential, sure, but not presidential.
The cast of "Modern Family" delayed production for the upcoming season due to a contract dispute. I think I speak on behalf of men everywhere when I say, "Give Sofia Vergara whatever she wants."
This Date In History: 1619;
The first legislative assembly in English North America convened in Jamestown, Virginia.
1729;
The U.S. city of Baltimore was founded.
1932;
The tenth modern Olympic Games opened in Los Angeles.
1945;
The USS Indianapolis was torpedoed by a Japanese submarine and sank within 15 minutes. It was one of the greatest naval losses of World War II, resulting in the deaths of nearly 900 men.
1956;
The phrase "In God We Trust" was adopted as the U.S. national motto.
1965;
President Lyndon Johnson signed the Medicare Bill into law.
1975;
Former Teamsters union president James Hoffa was reported missing. Many suspect he was murdered, though his remains have never been found.
1980;
The Republic of Vanuatu, formerly known as the New Hebrides, gained its independence from France and Britain.
2002;
Lisa Leslie became the first woman to dunk in a professional basketball game.
Picture Of The Day: Mae and Dave's, an old Hialeah, Florida hangout and sort of an institution dating back as long as I can remember.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I have never seen a brunette with blond roots. 2) Before Walmart, I used to have to buy a ticket to the circus to see the bearded lady. 3) Always be careful if you go to a bar that has a black light, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out. 4) I went to a cigar store and the guy behind the counter asked me, "What kind of cigars do you like?" I answered, "It's a Boys." 5) Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Leo - July 30th: Now that you're finally getting over your weekend antics, I suggest that you maintain a low profile until all of the various social sites quit running those pictures that seemed funny at the time. Seriously, you're not the first to wear a lampshade as a hat. Chance of romance is 17.62 percent.
Birthdays: My pal Sidney who I watched perform Friday night at Holleman's Restaurant - Happy Birthday young lady! 19XX, Emily Brontë,
author 1818,
Thorstein Veblen,
economist 1857,
Henry Ford, American industrialist, pioneer automobile manufacturer 1863, Casey Stengel,
baseball player and manager 1891,
Henry Moore,
sculptor 1898,
Arnold Schwarzenegger,
Governor of California, actor(?) 1947,
Lisa Kudrow,
actress 1963.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill:
An old man took a Escalade for a test drive, just to drive that
sucker before they become extinct. The salesman sat in the back seat describing the car and all it's wonderful
options. The seats were of particular interest.
He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat. The old man said, "This must be a Republican car."
The salesman asked why the old man thought it was a Republican car. The old man answered, "If it were a Democrat car, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round."
While shopping for vacation clothes, a husband and wife passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since she had even considered buying a bathing suit, so she sought her husband's advice.
She asked, "What do you think?" Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
Her husband replied, "Better get a bikini. You'd never get it all in one."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming:
Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time.
Then, halfway through the lecture, he began, "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France."
The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door.
The professor said with a broad smile, "Young ladies, the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."
Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny.
As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
Jim calls out to his golfing partner in an agitated voice, "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here."
Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the matter Jim?"
Jim shouts back, "Throw me my 7-iron! You can't get out of here with an 8-iron."
That's it for today, my little chicklets. Remember, as you slide down the banister of life, make sure the splinters never point the wrong way. More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !
They let me out of the retirement home again on Saturday night so that I could go to dinner with five (count 'em - five!) lovely ladies who I haven't seen in a while. I can't recount all of the details, but we went to Holleman's Restaurant in Miami Springs where we had drinks and dined.
In the presence of great company, we rehashed old stories and some great memories. I literally laughed so much that it hurt.
I'd like to especially thank Sarah, Donna and Vivian for their graciousness and hospitality. On a side note, no animals were hurt or injured during the evening and, once again, I beat the paper boy to my front door.
The News As I See It: In an event celebrating her 25th anniversary of being in Congress, the very goofy Nancy Pelosi revealed that the ghosts of past feminist leaders spoke to her at her first White House meeting as speaker. In a related story, doctors now say, "Botox can cause hallucinations."
Guantanamo Bay detention center is now undergoing millions of dollars of upgrades that include a new soccer field, cable TV, and enriching-your-life classes for the detainees that include learning to paint and writing a resume. Why do they need a resume? Who's going to hire these guys?
Remember when Obama was campaigning in 2008? Didn't he say he was going to close Guantanamo Bay? Didn't he say that? Apparently, he just meant for renovations.
A local company in Missouri is selling a glazed donut-flavored vodka, which explains why last night Krispy Kreme got like 20 drunk-dials from New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.
North Korean leader Kim Jong Un spoke at a rally for more than 20,000 children. He said if the kids just buckle down and study hard, they can be anything he wants them to be.
Last weekend, Obama's daughter, Sasha, will turn 11 years old. Sasha didn’t ask Obama for a present, because she’s still waiting for him to deliver the gifts he promised three birthdays ago.
According to NASA scientists, the world will not come to an end for another 4 billion years.....or about the same time your 401k recovers."
For the first time ever, more than half of all senior citizens in the U.S. are using the Internet. Or as AOL put it, "We’re back, baby!"
In Greece, the unemployment rate has risen to 22%. The solution to the problem was to raise taxes on the rich, according to Greek president Barack Obama-opolis.
This Date In History: 1509; King Henry VIII married his first wife, Katharine of Aragon. 1770; Capt. James Cook discovered the Great Barrier Reef off Australia . 1919; Sir Barton won the Belmont Stakes, becoming the first horse to capture the Triple Crown.
1963; Vivian Malone and James Hood successfully enrolled at the University of Alabama following Gov. George Wallace’s famous "stand in the schoolhouse door." 1977; Seattle Slew won the Belmont Stakes, capturing the Triple Crown. 2001; Timothy McVeigh, the 1995 Oklahoma City bomber, was executed.
Picture Of The Day: The seductiveness of the evening and the things that it attracts.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I went to a new bar on Friday night and it was like vuja de - the feeling that I had not been there before. 2) Noah could have done us a favor and swatted those two mosquitoes. 3) I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen." 4) Clinton definitely lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is. 5) I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Gemini - June 11th: The world awaits you today so take a shower, brush you teeth and go out greet it. Please don't wear those same old jogging pants, you have no idea what that looks like from the rear. Chance of romance is 45.66 percent.
Birthdays: John Constable, painter 1776, Julia Margaret Cameron, pioneer photographer 1815, Jeannette Rankin, first female member of U.S. Congress 1880, Jacques Cousteau, French oceanographer and naval officer 1910, Vince Lombardi, football 1913, William Styron, novelist 1925, Jackie Stewart, race driver 1939, Henry Cisneros, political official 1947.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asked, "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" The old cowboy said, 'Well, I can think of one thing. On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen."
The cowboy went on, "So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. I told him, "Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!"
St. Peter was impressed and asked, "When did this happen?" The old cowboy replies, "A couple of minutes ago."
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6." A short time later the husband comes back with 6 gallons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 gallons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."
(I'm sure you're going back to read that again!)
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Victor and Wally for their contributions to today's stories.
In ancient Greece, Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?" Socrates replied, "Wait a minute. Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test." The acquaintance queried, "Triple filter?"
Socrates continued, "Yes. Before you talk to me about Diogenes, let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" The man said, "No, actually, I just heard about it." Socrates said, "All right. So, you don't really know if it's true or not."
Socrates continued, "Now, let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?" The man says, "No, on the contrary....." Socrates interrupts, "So, you want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?" The man says, "No, not really." Socrates concluded, "Well, if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?" The man was bewildered and ashamed.
This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife.
Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes to play in the water. Shortly thereafter, the boy runs to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mother cleverly replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are!"
With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some men with dongs a lot bigger than Daddy's!" His mother says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are!"
With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more she talked, the dumber he got!"
That's it for today, my little leap frogs. Remember, one of the hardest things to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn. More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !
