Buy One (Cheap) Suit And Get Two (Cheap) Suits Free

What do you get when a clothier offers the deal, "Buy one, get two free" every weekend? Three cheap suits. If you listen closely to the almost daily bombardment of clothing commercials, you will read or hear the phrase "On most suits"

This means the "off the rack" cheap suits are the "suits on sale". That's the hook that brings the customer in and the realization that they're cheap suits is the lure to pay a higher price for a better suit.

Meanwhile, Men's Wearhouse is purchasing JAB and will pay $65 per share in cash. Both brand names will continue to operate after the deal and the companies did not announce plans to close any of the 1,700 stores they have between them.  Both sell basically the same low to low-mid level stuff.

Jos A Bank commercials are amazing. In a parody, I read the commercial as really saying, "Buy 1 suit, get 100 ties, 13 dress shirts, 3 more suits and a set of cufflinks free. Call girls not included."

Logically (and mathematically), if a $300 suit with the tag "buy one, get two free" is on television every weekend, then it stands to reason that you're buying three $100 suits or the company is not making money. And you know that's not going to happen.....

Someone browsing through the 40th Anniversary Issue of Reader's Digest, (dated Feb. 1962), came across this reprint from the Washington News and found it quite interesting considering our current debates!

The Quote: Vice President Lyndon Johnson received the following message from an Indian (Native American) on a reservation: "Be careful with your immigration laws. We were careless with ours."

The News As I See It: Vladimir Putin signed a treaty this morning that formally absorbs Crimea into the Russian Federation. So if you felt bad because you didn’t know where Crimea was, don’t worry, it’s gone.

Vice President Biden said that the U.S. is considering sending troops to the Baltic states bordering Russia. According to Biden, the Baltic states are the territories located just past Boardwalk and Park Place.

Two million people turned out for New York City's annual St. Patrick’s Day Parade. It’s the one parade where the horses are the ones that have to watch where they step.

A new poll found that two-thirds of Americans are following the situation in Ukraine, which is impressive. Usually, you can't find two-thirds of Americans who are following the situation in America.

In a highly debatede lection, 95 percent of Crimea voted to secede from Ukraine and join Russia. 95 percent!. Even Kim Jong Un said, "Yeah, right."

There was a small earthquake in California on Monday, Here's a little-known fact. The Richter scale measures the number of local news anchors who dive under their desks.

A professor at Virginia Tech claims he can turn woodchips into food. However, still no luck with kale.

Courtney Love thinks she found the missing Malaysian plane. It's like God doesn't trust me to write my own jokes.

This Date In History: 1853; During the Taiping Rebellion in China, the rebels captured Nanking and renamed it T'en-ching (Heavenly Capital). 1920; The United States Senate voted down signing the Treaty of Versailles for the second time.

1931; Nevada state legislature legalized gambling. 1953; The Academy Awards were first televised. 1996; Sarajevo became a united city again after four years when Moslem-Croat authorities took control of the last district held by Serbs.

2003; Operation Iraqi Freedom is launched with air strikes on Baghdad, the beginning of the war with Iraq (March 20 in Iraq). 2003; Mahmoud Abbas became prime minister of Palestine. He would later succeed Yasir Arafat as head of the PLO and president of the Palestinian Authority.

Picture Of The Day: Rest In Peace David Brenner

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbor's house is genius. 2) Student loans: Because you should know what it's like to be one of the poor people you're always preaching about. 3) I predict that Obama's next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea. 4) My girlfriend told me to take my phone and stick it where the sun don't shine, so I sent it to Seattle. 5) (Doctor): "Are you sexually active?" (Me): "Depends on what you mean by active. There are plenty of active volcanoes that haven't gone off in years.".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - March 19th: The odds are that you'll see something today that you physically and desperately desire. However, it is similarly likely that you will fall flat on your ass trying to achieve it. Seek solace in the bosom of a loved one. If your loved one has a particularly ample bosom, be aware that there might be others already in there. Help the small ones.

Birthdays: Grover Cleveland, 22nd and 24th President of the United States 1837, Rudolf Diesel, engineer and inventor 1858, Neville Chamberlain, statesman 1869, George Plimpton, writer, editor, actor 1927, John Updike, writer 1932, F.W. de Klerk, political leader 1936, Bonnie Blair, speed skater 1964, Queen Latifah, actress 1970.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Sasquatchia, a pregnant woman, was involved in a car accident and while in the hospital, she fell into a coma. When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer carrying a child and asked, "Doctor, what happened to my baby!"

The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you've had twins! You're the proud mother of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. Also, you should know that while you were in a coma, your brother Tyrone named the children for you."

Sasquatchia shrieked, "Lordy, not my brother! He's not really very bright." The doctor replied, "Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter Denise." Sasquatchia smiled and said, "Oh, that's no so bad. What's the boy's name?" The doctor grinned and said, "Denephew."

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were taking a walk one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, ain't it?" The second man replied, "No, it's Thursday." The third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a coke."

Chris Brown jailed again.....

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A blind man us being interviewed for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him.

The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That's a good piece of fir." The manager says, "Correct, now try this one." The blind man says, "That's a bad piece of willow." The manager answers, "Correct."

With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. The blind man says, "I'm confused. Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face.

The blind man says, "Oh, you're trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It's the outhouse door off a tuna boat!"

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was celebrate"

That's it for today, my little tater tots. Remember, to err is human, to arr is pirate. AREA 51 is my destination tonight for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !</

Happy Saint Patrick's Day

May the road rise to meet you and the wind be always at your back. May the sunshine warm upon your face, the rains fall soft upon your fields and, until we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of His hand.

The U.S. Commerce Department is relinquishing its hold over the group that manages the Internet’s architecture amid pressure to globalize its functions in the wake of reports about NSA surveillance.

Daniel Castro, a senior analyst at the Information Technology and Innovation Foundation, disputed the connection between NSA revelations and Internet governance in an op-ed Friday, and he warned that ICANN would not be held accountable without U.S. control. He said, "If the Obama Administration gives away its oversight of the Internet, it will be gone forever."

Some criticism of the decision immediately started popping up on Twitter. Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich tweeted, "Every American should worry about Obama giving up control of the Internet to an undefined group. This is very dangerous."

Brilliant Barry! America invented it, designed it and paid for it and now you're giving it away? Another Panama Canal faux pas from a community organizer. Move over Jimmy Carter, you're about to lose your title as worst president ever.

The makers of Sam Adams beer backed out of sponsoring South Boston’s St. Patrick’s Day parade in protest over parade organizers' refusal to allow members of the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community to march in the parade.

This week, Boston Mayor Marty Walsh attempted to negotiate a compromise with parade organizers, which would allow a gay veterans group to march in the parade. The parade is organized by the South Boston Allied War Veterans Council.

Walsh has said he will boycott the parade if LGBT groups are not allowed to participate, following a similar move by New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio. This is understandable since de Blasio's black wife is an ex-lesbian. I would hate to see her traumatized and have to go back into rehab. 

GLBT has been banned by marching by the organizers and other beer companies have pulled their backing. The Goat F*ckers community has also been banned from the parade. What's next are they going to ban Terrorists, Child Molestors and Killers communities, as well. Oh the horrors.....

Hey! It's Saint Patrick's Day, not St. Nancy's. Get over it!

The News As I See It: Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg apparently called Obama directly to complain about NSA and how it spies on ordinary Americans. That’s right, the guy who runs Facebook got mad at the NSA for spying on people. Talk about the pot unfriending the kettle!

Zuckerberg criticized the NSA and called the government a threat to the Internet. Then he went back to running a website where you list everyone you've ever met, every place you’ve been, every place you’re going, what you had eat, your ex-girlfriends and your ex-boyfriends, which bands you like...

The White House said the economy is continuing to pick up steam, but then went on to say that the unemployment rate is still “unacceptably high.” Incidentally, being unacceptably high is also a big reason many people are unemployed.

Michelle Obama now has blond highlights in her wig hair. On a similar note, the wigs have a higher approval rating than her husband.

Obama announced that the government is going to require colleges and vocational schools to demonstrate that they are properly preparing students for jobs after college. So don’t be surprised if your chemistry class tomorrow is about how to make a cappuccino latte.

A man claimed he was injured after falling off a gigantic tongue slide used on the stage for Miley Cyrus’ tour. He’s now suing the company that built the slide for "Twerkman’s compensation."

Researchers have discovered the first Tyrannosaurus Rex fossil inside the Arctic Circle. The T. Rex apparently froze to death because he couldn’t button his jacket with those little arms.

This Date In History: 1762; The first St. Patrick's Day parade was held in New York City.  1776; British forces evacuated Boston during the Revolutionary War.

1870; Wellesley Female Seminary (later Wellesley College) received its charter from the Massachusetts legislature. 1942; Gen. Douglas MacArthur became supreme commander of Allied forces in the southwest Pacific theater during World War II.

1963; Mount Agung on Bali erupted, killing 1,184 people. 1969; Golda Meir was sworn in as prime minister of Israel. 2003; President Bush delivered an ultimatum to Saddam Hussein: leave Iraq within 48 hours or face an attack.

Picture Of The Day: Happy Saint Patrick's Day !

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My pal, O'Malley told me that that his wife was driving him to drink. He's lucky, my ex-wife made me walk ! 2) Being Irish, I'm going celebrate St. Patrick's Day barbecuing in my backyard with Paddy O'Furniture. 3) My doctor told me "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble. I think it must be drinking." I told him, "Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober.  4) The reason leprechauns laugh when they run is because the grass tickles their balls. 5) An optimist is a person who hits rock bottom and adds Geologist to his resume.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - March 17th: Heavy drinking can lead to a number of social problems, mostly the belief that, after singing karaoke at the local pub, you missed the opportunity to be a rock star. This, of course, is patently absurd.

Your singing ability has been described as "unable to carry a tune in a water bucket".

Fortunately, the heavy drinking syndrome is waived on all holidays and your birthday, so today, just grab a microphone and go for it !

Birthdays: My friends Jennifer and stock car racing great Tiger Tom Pistone - Happy Birthday 19XX, James Bridger, mountain man 1804, Kate Greenaway, illustrator and watercolorist 1846, Gloria Swanson actress 1899, Bayard Rustin, civil rights activist 1912, Nat "King" Cole, singer 1919, Rudolf Nureyev, ballet dancer 1938.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: O'Donovan was walking down the street in Dublin, Ireland and coming in the opposite direction was Father O'Rafferty. Father O'Rafferty said, "And how is Mrs. O'Donovan? Didn't I marry you two years ago?" She replied "Aye, that you did, Father."

Father O'Rafferty said, "And be there any little ones yet?" Mrs. O'Donovan said, "No, not yet, Father." Father O'Rafferty said, "Well, now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you." Mrs. O'Donovan said, "Oh, thank you, Father," and away she went.

Some years later they met again. The Father said, "Well, now, Mrs. O'Donovan, how are you?" Mrs. O'Donovan said, "Oh, very well." Father O'Rafferty said, "Tell me, have you any little ones yet?" Mrs. O'Donovan replied, "Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles - ten in all."

Father O'Rafferty said, "Now isn't that wonderful. And how is your husband?" Mrs. O'Donovan "Oh, he's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle."

Patrick Flaherty came home drunk every evening around midnight. Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either, so one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him.

As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, "Patrick Sean Flaherty, if ya' don't give up you're drinkin', it's to hell I'll take ye."

Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who the hell are you?" The Missus replied, "I'm the divil ya' damned old fool". Flaherty replied, "Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: On Saint Patrick's Day, an armed, hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot, one brave, Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shoots the guy without hesitation!

He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him also. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

The robber screams, "Did anyone else see my face?!" There is a few moments of silence then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says, "I think me wife may have caught a glimpse."

An English teacher reminds her students of the written test in her class tomorrow, "Now, I don't want anyone to miss this important finals exam! I will not tolerate any excuse whatsoever for your absence, unless, of course you had to go to the hospital because of a serious injury or someone died in your immediate family."

Just after she spoke, a wise ass in the back of the class exclaimed, "Well, what if I were to tell you that I didn't show up for the test because I experienced complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The students in the class muffled their laughter.

The teacher looked sympathetically towards the young man, smiles slyly and stated, "Well, then you'll have to write with your other hand." 

That's it for today, my little leprechauns. May you always have walls for the winds, a roof for the rain, tea beside the fire, laughter to cheer you, those you love near you and all your heart desires.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

I Don't Like Spiders And Snakes

(Reuters) - Barack Obama, aiming to allay concerns about the viability of his signature healthcare law, said on Friday enough people have enrolled to make its insurance marketplaces stable. "Well, at this point, enough people are signing up that the Affordable Care Act is going to work," Obama said in an interview with the medical website WebMD. "The insurance companies will continue to offer these plans."

The Obama administration is mounting an enrollment drive aimed at adults aged 18 to 34, whose participation in the marketplaces is vital to the success of the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act.

In his latest bid to persuade people to enroll before a March 31 deadline for 2014 coverage, Obama found himself on the defensive, noting for example that some enrollees might have to change doctors. "For the average person, many folks who don't have health insurance initially, they're going to have to make some choices. And they might end up having to switch doctors, in part because they're saving money," said Obama.

That was a change from his assurance to Americans in 2009, when he was trying to get the law passed, that "if you like the doctor you have, you can keep your doctor."

Liars and thieves are two types of people I cannot stand. Barack Obama is a liar and the shiftless, underhanded, graft taking government fits the description of said liars and thieves.

White lies are sometimes a necessary evil but do not make the mistake of pissing on the American public and telling them it's raining.....

"We have to pass the bill to find out what is in it" 

The News As I See It: The crisis in Ukraine still has people worried. John McCain led a group of senators there to get a firsthand look. When they landed, McCain said, "This is a disaster, these people are living like animals!" Then someone said, "We have a layover — this is LaGuardia Airport."

Things are moving quickly over there. Crimea is now holding a vote on whether to join Russia, but the ballot doesn’t have an option for voting against the plan — it lets people vote for joining Russia now or down the road. When asked where he got the idea, Vladimir Putin said, "The Apple user agreement."

Washington recently had a big power outage. That's not really news. The Obama administration has been without power the entire second term. When the lights went out, Senator John McCain tried to clap them back on.

Best Buy will start selling solar panels in an effort to promote energy conservation. Best Buy says you can find the panels right next to the 300 flat-screen TVs they leave on all day.

Obama went shopping at The Gap here in New York City. He ended up buying a sweater for each of his daughters and a workout jacket for the first lady. You know, whenever someone visits New York City, the one souvenir people really want is something from The Gap. The family was happy with the gifts, though. Barry usually comes home with a bucket of Church's Fried Chicken and a pack of Marlboros.

It’s been very tense between Russia and the U.S. In fact, lawmakers in Russia have started a petition to get the U.S. kicked out of this year's World Cup. On the other hand, they could just take the easier route and wait until we lose in the first round to literally any other country.

A family called the police because their cat cornered them in a bedroom. They would've climbed out the window but their hamster was blocking the way.

The Rolling Stones' Keith Richards just announced that he is working on a new children’s book. It’s called "Oh, the Places You’ll Wake Up."

New reports show that the Crimean vote to join Russia on Sunday did not include an option for "no." There were only two boxes on the ballot, one for "yes" and one for "murder my family."

This Date In History: 1743; The first town meeting was held in Boston, Massachusetts, at Faneuil Hall. 1794; The cotton gin was patented by Eli Whitney. 1939; The Republic of Czechoslovakia was dissolved, soon to be occupied by the Nazis.

1950; The FBI’s “Ten Most Wanted Fugitives” list made its debut. 1958; Perry Como's single "Catch a Falling Star" became the first RIAA gold record.

1964; Jack Ruby was found guilty of the murder of Lee Harvey Oswald, alleged assassin of President John F. Kennedy. 1990; The Soviet Congress voted Mikhail Gorbachev into the newly-created and powerful position of president.

Picture Of The Day: Now that's a big puppy.....!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Ladies, men will never get what you mean by "I’m fine" unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle. 2) Some kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield. At first I thought I hit a unicorn until I realized I wasn't in San Francisco. 3) Keep your friend's toast, but keep your enemy's toaster. 4) I'm not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leaped willingly to his death. 5) I have said it before and I will say it again. If anyone is into wife swapping, I will take a dirt bike or a puppy.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - March 14th: Today might be the day when you get stuck in a hole with a dwarf. Remember all the research you did into dwarf habits in order to prevent mental breakdown. Giving nicknames like "Shorty" or any reference to Snow White's entourage may be in poor taste.

Birthdays: Georg Telemann, composer 1681, Giovanni Schiaparelli, astronomer 1835, Paul Ehrlich, bacteriologist 1854, Casey Jones, railroad engineer 1864, Albert Einstein, American theoretical physicist 1879, Diane Arbus, photographer 1923, Quincy Jones, composer 1933, Michael Caine, actor 1933, Billy Crystal, actor, comedian, writer 1947.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: One evening a husband, thinking it would be being funny, said to his wife, "Maybe we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe It would probably take a few inches off of your ass."

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. A small dust cloud appeared when he shook them out. ‘He hollered into the bathroom, "Mabel, Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?" She replied, "It’s not talcum powder, it’s Miracle Grow!"

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in 'fashion sense.'

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings." The man replies sheepishly, "Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring."

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?" The man replies, "Ever since my wife found it in my car."
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and no improvement.

The Doc says, "Listen, I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little."

He continued, "Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It really works! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the first time anyone has ever helped me!"

The physician said, "I'm glad I could help." The patient adds, "By the way, Doc, you have a really nice house."

A Louisiana couple had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them why, after nine children, would they choose to do this.

The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn’t want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

That's it for today, my little daylight savers. Remember, if those people who were ever mean to you were laid out end to end, you could drive your car right over them. I'm going to slide by AREA 51 for happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

The Difference Between The Sexes

Men, for the most part, are simple beings. They need only food, sleep and sex, in no particular order, to function. Women, on the other hand, are complicated creatures requiring special care.

The easiest way to understand this is to compare a thoroughbred with a mule. Both are useful and can function at their own level, but the thoroughbred is, by far, the superior equine.

Take sex, for example. Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Most men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

A man has, at most, six items in his bathroom:  A toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 137. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of short people living in the house.

Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted that he was wrong was General George Custer. A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Then, there's the subject of the length of time it takes both sexes to dress.....

The News As I See It: Global Warming is now being called "Climate Change" since the great lakes have almost completely frozen over and made the global warming scenario invalid. It's kind of like Obamacare now being referred to as the Affordable Care Act. Statistics point toward the fact that this name is also a misnomer.

This weekend marked the 55th anniversary of the Barbie doll. It's hard to believe that Barbie's 55 years old, but you gotta figure eight years of medical school, three years of law school, ten years of astronaut training - it all adds up. If you ask me she’s a little too old to be waking up naked on the stairs every morning.

Obama was paying tribute to Aretha Franklin when he messed up the spelling of her iconic song "Respect." Obama blamed his speech coach, John Travolta.

Over the weekend, North Korea held elections. Kim Jong Un was re-elected with 100% of the vote. Kim Jong Un credits his win to the slogan: Vote for me or you will be murdered. No one has ever won North Korea without winning Ohio. He humiliated his opponent Mitt Jong Romney.

Kim Jong Un was considering the slogan, "Vote for me or you'll be eaten by rabid dogs" but he changed his mind when he learned that it's going to be Hillary Clinton's slogan.

They arrested some guys for selling counterfeit ChapStick. I fell for the scam and bought some. I knew immediately it was counterfeit because the lid didn't come off in my pocket.
 

This Date In History: 1912; Juliette Gordon Low founded the Girl Scouts. 1930; Mohandas Gandhi began his 200-mile march to protest the British salt tax. 1933; President Franklin D. Roosevelt gave the first of his nation-wide "fireside chats" on radio.

1938; "Anschluss" took place when Hitler incorporated his homeland of Austria into the Third Reich. 1947; President Truman established the "Truman Doctrine" to aid in the containment of Communism.

1993; Janet Reno was sworn in as the first female attorney general of the United States. 1994; The Church of England ordained women priests for the first time in 460 years.

2002; The color-coded terror alert system was unveiled by Homeland Security chief Tom Ridge. 2003; The prime minister of the Serbian state (of Serbia and Montenegro), Zoran Djindjic, was assassinated.

Picture Of The Day: Why is this woman likely to be patted down by the TSA? I'll bet you spotted it right off. Her suitcase doesn't have a name tag.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) To those people who don't have a name for their newborn: What the hell were you doing for the past nine months? 2) Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them. 3) I bet those 300 Greek soldiers would have stood a better chance if they thought to wear armor instead of going to war in capes and speedos. 4) My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family, so I dated her sister. 5) Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris - rotate it and hope it fits in another slot.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - March 12th: Warning: The life you lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Discretion is advised. Feeding stray cats may seem important to you today in order to get a feeling of satisfaction.

Birthdays: George Berkeley, philosopher 1685, Vaslav Nijinsky, ballet dancer and choreographer 1890, Jack Kerouac, American writer 1922, Edward Albee, dramatist 1928, Andrew Young, politian 1932, Liza Minnelli, actress 1946, James Taylor, singer, musician 1948.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000.

The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home. The undertaker asked him, "Why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here and it would only cost $150?"

The husband replied, "A long ago, a man died here, was buried here and three days later, he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance!"

A Utah Mormon was seated next to an Irish Catholic on a flight back to States from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey and a glass of Guinness, which were promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The Irishman then handed his drinks back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Jack for his contribution to today's stories.

Jim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his fishing gear. His wife was standing there watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey,I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit fishing. Maybe you should sell your boat."

Jim gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?" Jim replied, "There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife." She screamed, "Ex-wife?! I didn't know you were married before!" Jim said, "I wasn't....."

 I woke up this morning at 8 am and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found ny girlfriend face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!

I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

I bought my girlfriend a hamster skin coat last week. I took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

That's it for today, my little puddy tats. Remember, ,money may not buy you happiness, but poverty won’t buy you shit. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !