May the road rise up to meet you. May the wind be always at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face; the rains fall soft upon your fields and until we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of His hand. (traditional Gaelic blessing)
You're in the middle of a project around the house. You're dirty, hot and sweaty. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit, the shorts with the hole in the crotch, an old T-shirt with a stain and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age you do one of the following:
In Your 20's: You stop what you're doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
In Your 30's: You stop what you're doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister of someone you went to school with.
In Your 40's: You stop what you're doing. Put on a sweatshirt that's long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brut cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she's spicy.
In Your 50's: You stop what you're doing. Put on a hat, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog shit in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait Shop and it says, "I Got Worms".
In Your 60's; You stop what you're doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog shit off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you're not sure.
In Your 70's: You stop what you're doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready too. Don't even notice the dog shit on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.
In Your 80's: You stop what you're doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you're looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.
In Your 90's and beyond: What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?
The News As I See It: Rachel Maddow’s much-hyped release of Donald Trump’s 2005 tax returns was considered by many to be a letdown. No one’s been this disappointed by Rachel Maddow since the guy who took her to the prom. The only result of what happened is Rachel Maddow topped Rosie O’Donnell as Donald Trump’s least-favorite lesbian.
Everyone was talking about the big snowstorm that hit New York. In fact, some are said thy experienced a whiteout. Things will even out on St. Patrick’s Day when we'll all experience a blackout.
The blizzard also hit Washington, D.C. You know it’s cold outside when the Washington Monument actually shrinks about 40 feet.
Last weekend, off the coast of Florida, a Carnival Cruise ship almost hit two jet skiers. Today, the captain of the ship apologized and said, "I’ll get them next time."
This Date In History: 1762;
The first St. Patrick's Day parade was held in New York City.
1776;
British forces evacuated Boston during the Revolutionary War.
1870;
Wellesley Female Seminary (later Wellesley College) received its charter from the Massachusetts legislature.
1942;
Gen. Douglas MacArthur became supreme commander of Allied forces in the southwest Pacific theater during World War II.
1963;
Mount Agung on Bali erupted, killing 1,184 people.
1969;
Golda Meir was sworn in as prime minister of Israel.
Picture Of The Day: Happy St. Patrick's Day
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I spent most of my lifetime earnings on women and booze and squandered the rest.
2) If at first you don't succeed, then try playing second base.
3) I've started slipping an occasional "meow" into everyday conversations with people to see if they're really listening meow to me. 4) I find it amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always fits perfectly in the newspaper. 5) Fidel Castro made a rare appearance on Cuban television. It’s a new show called "Cuba’s Got Talent, but America’s Got Food, Water, Shelter, and Cash.".....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Pisces - March 17th: Deja vu is the feeling that someone's patronised you before (often by telling you what deja vu means). Purple clouds are not usual, nor is red rain. You really must stop pretending that the pictures your niece draws are real.
Birthdays: Tames Bridger, mountain man 1804, Kate Greenaway, illustrator and watercolorist 1846, Gloria Swanson, actress 1899, Bayard Rustin, civil rights activist 1912, Nat "King" Cole, singer 1919, Rudolf Nureyev, ballet dancer 1938.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two Irishmen were stopped by the police for jaywalking. The sergeant said, "Name?" The first man replied, "O’Connor." The sergeant asked, "Address?" O'Connor answers, "No fixed abode" The sergeant, looking at the other, says, "Name?" The other man replies, "O’Brien, and I live in the flat above him."
After eight days of backpacking with his wife, the pair were looking pretty scruffy. One morning, she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles.
She said to her husband, "Darling, does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?" The husband thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man with tickets to the Super Bowl finds his seat and relaxes. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. The first man says, "No, the seat is empty." The stranger says, "That's incredible. Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl and not use it?"
The man says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
The stranger replies, "Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. Couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."
An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called in an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return I expect to see it completed."
Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this there were hundreds of Indians in various stages and different positions of making love.
Furious he called the artist in.
"What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.
"Why that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly.
"No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth, I asked for a mural of the interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"
The artist said, "And there you have it. I call it, 'Holy cow look at all those f*cking Indians!'"
That's it for today, my little leprechauns. Cheers…and may ye be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows yer dead. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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Obama selected Merrick Garland, a centrist judge, for the U.S. Supreme Court on Wednesday. Garland's position against the Second Amendment virtually eliminates his consideration. A lame duck president has not had a justice approved since 1880.
The conservative Judicial Crisis Network, which plans to spend at least $2 million on an advertising campaign to oppose Judge Merrick Garland’s nomination, says the nominee "has a very liberal view of gun rights"
JCN chief counsel Carrie Severino said in a blog post that Judge Merrick’s record on the bench since 1997 "leads to the conclusion that he would vote to reverse one of Justice Scalia’s most important opinions, D.C. vs. Heller, which affirmed that the Second Amendment confers an individual right to keep and bear arms."
In 2007, a three-judge panel of the D.C. Circuit ruled against the District’s handgun ban in Parker v. District of Columbia (the case which eventually became District of Columbia v. Heller when it went before the Supreme Court).
The D.C. government asked for a rehearing of the case before all 10 judges of the appeals court.
Six judges voted not to rehear the case, but four, including Judge Merrick, voted for a rehearing.
Conservatives say that’s presumably because he disagreed with the three-judge panel that had ruled to overturn the handgun ban.
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said Wednesday the Senate will not consider Obama's nomination of Merrick Garland to the Supreme Court. The Kentucky Republican said, "Obama did it not with the intent of seeing the nominee confirmed, but in order to politicize it for the purpose of the election."
While Obama has the constitutional right to nominate a candidate for the Supreme Court, his feeble attempt to slip in a seemingly moderate judge that agrees with his utter disregard for the Second Amendment will kill any chances of Garland's approval.
The News As I See It: Hillary Clinton beat Bernie Sanders in Florida. That's pretty tough when a 74-year-old Jewish man can't win in Florida.
A new poll found that the majority of millennials would vote for Hillary Clinton over Donald Trump. Then millennials found out you can't vote by texting and said, "Never mind!"
Last weekend was Daylight Savings Time and we all lost an hour of our lives. Plus, I watched the Democratic debate so I actually lost three hours of my life.
How is it that my airbag knows exactly when I'm going to get into an accident, but my car can't figure out how to go forward an hour for Daylight Savings Time?
This Date In History: 1521;
Ferdinand Magellan reached the Philippines.
1850;
Nathaniel Hawthorne's novel The Scarlet Letter was published.
1926;
The first liquid-fuel rocket was successfully launched by Prof. Robert Goddard at Auburn, Massachusetts. The rocket traveled 184 feet in 2.5 seconds.
1935;
Adolf Hitler cancelled the military clauses of the Treaty of Versailles.
1968;
The My Lai massacre occurred in Vietnam.
1978;
Italian politician Aldo Moro was kidnapped, and later murdered, by the Red Brigades.
1985;
U.S. journalist Terry Anderson was kidnapped in Beirut; he was not released until December 4, 1991 after 2454 days in captivity.
1988;
Lieutenant Colonel Oliver L. North and Vice Admiral John M. Poindexter of the National Security Council are indicted on charges of conspiracy to defraud the United States for their role in the Iran-contra affair.
Picture Of The Day: Happy Saint Patrick's Day
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If you play a game with your girlfriend where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with, choose a celebrity and not "Liz from Accounting." 2) The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some great ideas! 3) I saw a woman with a lower back tattoo that said "Classy" and my brain leaked out of my ear 4) Quit blaming your smart phone's auto-correct! You meant to say "furbenglurbrn." 5) I had a cold and my doctor recommended coffee enemas. I can never go back to Starbucks.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Pisces - March 16th: Feel welcome to share your inner most secrets with your family and friends. They will praise you for your honesty and may only exclude you from certain holidays and special events.
Birthdays: James Madison, 4th President of the United States 1751, Georg Simon Ohm, physicist 1787, Reza Shah Pahlevi, shah of Iran 1877, Henny Youngman, comedian 1906, Jerry Lewis, comedian, 1926, Daniel Patrick Moynihan, sociologist and politician 1927, Bernardo Bertolucci, filmmaker 1940.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs.
Finally, after she had crossed her legs enough times, her husband asks, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" She answered with a seductive smile, "Yes." Her husband replied, "Thank God. For a moment, I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa."
Some advice for young parents answering their children's future questions, "Dad, why did your generation find a fat Korean guy, singing and pretending to ride a horse, entertaining?" (You): "I don't know son, I just don't know."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Mike for his contribution to today's stories.
Brooklyn Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Brooklyn Tony replied, "You know, my grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Brooklyn Tony answered, "No, he minded his own f*cking business."
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I do?"
Mabel reached up to her ear, pulled out the suppository and stared at it. Then she said, "I think I know where to find my hearing aid."
That's it for today, my little tadpoles. Remember, alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.
More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !
May the road rise to meet you and the wind be always at your back. May the sunshine warm upon your face, the rains fall soft upon your fields and, until we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of His hand.
The U.S. Commerce Department is relinquishing its hold over the group that manages the Internet’s architecture amid pressure to globalize its functions in the wake of reports about NSA surveillance.
Daniel Castro, a senior analyst at the Information Technology and Innovation Foundation, disputed the connection between NSA revelations and Internet governance in an op-ed Friday, and he warned that ICANN would not be held accountable without U.S. control.
He said, "If the Obama Administration gives away its oversight of the Internet, it will be gone forever."
Some criticism of the decision immediately started popping up on Twitter.
Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich tweeted,
"Every American should worry about Obama giving up control of the Internet to an undefined group. This is very dangerous."
Brilliant Barry! America invented it, designed it and paid for it and now you're giving it away? Another Panama Canal faux pas from a community organizer. Move over Jimmy Carter, you're about to lose your title as worst president ever.
The makers of Sam Adams beer backed out of sponsoring South Boston’s St. Patrick’s Day parade in protest over parade organizers' refusal to allow members of the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community to march in the parade.
This week, Boston Mayor Marty Walsh attempted to negotiate a compromise with parade organizers, which would allow a gay veterans group to march in the parade. The parade is organized by the South Boston Allied War Veterans Council.
Walsh has said he will boycott the parade if LGBT groups are not allowed to participate, following a similar move by New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio.
This is understandable since de Blasio's black wife is an ex-lesbian. I would hate to see her traumatized and have to go back into rehab.
GLBT has been banned by marching by the organizers and other beer companies have pulled their backing. The Goat F*ckers community has also been banned from the parade. What's next are they going to ban Terrorists, Child Molestors and Killers communities, as well. Oh the horrors.....
Hey! It's Saint Patrick's Day, not St. Nancy's. Get over it!
The News As I See It:
Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg apparently called Obama directly to complain about NSA and how it spies on ordinary Americans. That’s right, the guy who runs Facebook got mad at the NSA for spying on people. Talk about the pot unfriending the kettle!
Zuckerberg criticized the NSA and called the government a threat to the Internet. Then he went back to running a website where you list everyone you've ever met, every place you’ve been, every place you’re going, what you had eat, your ex-girlfriends and your ex-boyfriends, which bands you like...
The White House said the economy is continuing to pick up steam, but then went on to say that the unemployment rate is still “unacceptably high.” Incidentally, being unacceptably high is also a big reason many people are unemployed.
Michelle Obama now has blond highlights in her wig hair. On a similar note, the wigs have a higher approval rating than her husband.
Obama announced that the government is going to require colleges and vocational schools to demonstrate that they are properly preparing students for jobs after college. So don’t be surprised if your chemistry class tomorrow is about how to make a cappuccino latte.
A man claimed he was injured after falling off a gigantic tongue slide used on the stage for Miley Cyrus’ tour. He’s now suing the company that built the slide for "Twerkman’s compensation."
Researchers have discovered the first Tyrannosaurus Rex fossil inside the Arctic Circle. The T. Rex apparently froze to death because he couldn’t button his jacket with those little arms.
This Date In History: 1762; The first St. Patrick's Day parade was held in New York City. 1776; British forces evacuated Boston during the Revolutionary War.
1870; Wellesley Female Seminary (later Wellesley College) received its charter from the Massachusetts legislature. 1942; Gen. Douglas MacArthur became supreme commander of Allied forces in the southwest Pacific theater during World War II.
1963; Mount Agung on Bali erupted, killing 1,184 people. 1969; Golda Meir was sworn in as prime minister of Israel. 2003; President Bush delivered an ultimatum to Saddam Hussein: leave Iraq within 48 hours or face an attack.
Picture Of The Day: Happy Saint Patrick's Day !
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My pal, O'Malley told me that that his wife was driving him to drink. He's lucky, my ex-wife made me walk ! 2) Being Irish, I'm going celebrate St. Patrick's Day barbecuing in my backyard with Paddy O'Furniture. 3) My doctor told me "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble. I think it must be drinking." I told him, "Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober. 4) The reason leprechauns laugh when they run is because the grass tickles their balls. 5) An optimist is a person who hits rock bottom and adds Geologist to his resume.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Pisces - March 17th: Heavy drinking can lead to a number of social problems, mostly the belief that, after singing karaoke at the local pub, you missed the opportunity to be a rock star. This, of course, is patently absurd.
Your singing ability has been described as "unable to carry a tune in a water bucket".
Fortunately, the heavy drinking syndrome is waived on all holidays and your birthday, so today, just grab a microphone and go for it !
Birthdays: My friends Jennifer and stock car racing great Tiger Tom Pistone - Happy Birthday 19XX, James Bridger,
mountain man 1804,
Kate Greenaway,
illustrator and watercolorist 1846,
Gloria Swanson
actress 1899,
Bayard Rustin,
civil rights activist 1912,
Nat "King" Cole,
singer 1919,
Rudolf Nureyev,
ballet dancer 1938.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: O'Donovan was walking down the street in Dublin, Ireland and coming in the opposite direction was Father O'Rafferty. Father O'Rafferty said, "And how is Mrs. O'Donovan? Didn't I marry you two years ago?" She replied "Aye, that you did, Father."
Father O'Rafferty said, "And be there any little ones yet?" Mrs. O'Donovan said, "No, not yet, Father." Father O'Rafferty said, "Well, now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you." Mrs. O'Donovan said, "Oh, thank you, Father," and away she went.
Some years later they met again. The Father said, "Well, now, Mrs. O'Donovan, how are you?" Mrs. O'Donovan said, "Oh, very well." Father O'Rafferty said, "Tell me, have you any little ones yet?" Mrs. O'Donovan replied, "Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles - ten in all."
Father O'Rafferty said, "Now isn't that wonderful. And how is your husband?" Mrs. O'Donovan "Oh, he's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle."
Patrick Flaherty came home drunk every evening around midnight. Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either, so one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him.
As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, "Patrick Sean Flaherty, if ya' don't give up you're drinkin', it's to hell I'll take ye."
Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who the hell are you?" The Missus replied, "I'm the divil ya' damned old fool". Flaherty replied, "Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: On Saint Patrick's Day, an armed, hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot, one brave, Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shoots the guy without hesitation!
He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him also. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.
The robber screams, "Did anyone else see my face?!" There is a few moments of silence then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says, "I think me wife may have caught a glimpse."
An English teacher reminds her students of the written test in her class tomorrow,
"Now, I don't want anyone to miss this important finals exam! I will not tolerate any excuse whatsoever for your absence, unless, of course you had to go to the hospital because of a serious injury or someone died in your immediate family."
Just after she spoke, a wise ass in the back of the class exclaimed, "Well, what if I were to tell you that I didn't show up for the test because I experienced complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The students in the class muffled their laughter.
The teacher looked sympathetically towards the young man, smiles slyly and stated, "Well, then you'll have to write with your other hand."
That's it for today, my little leprechauns. May you always have walls for the winds, a roof for the rain, tea beside the fire, laughter to cheer you, those you love near you and all your heart desires.
More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !
Tomorrow is Saint Patrick's Day and the weekend will revel in St. Paddy's Day parties. While most nationalities are a bit inclusive in their ethnic celebrations, everybody is Irish on Saint Patrick's Day. One of the party goers will be Barack O'Bama, whose father was born in an Irish neighborhood of Kenya.St. Paddy's Day ranks number two (second only to New Year's Eve) in amateur drinking. For some reason, these two days are an "automatic" for producing drunks and subsequently, fights and car crashes. Of all holiday parties, St. Paddy's Day is one of the few that I curtail my drinking and keep an eye out for amateurs, especially on the road after midnight.That important note notwithstanding, I too will be one of the party revelers as St. Paddys parties are notably lots of fun. I find that one of the major benefits are a virtual plethora of beautiful women who seem to feel obligated to get soused. I, of course, am always at the ready comfort these poor lasses and to volunteer my services as I was trained as a combat medic in the military.So, enjoy yourselves this weekend my Irish brethren and drink responsibly. Don't drink and drive because the life you save may be mine.....
The News As I See It: Newt Gingrich has promised to cut the price of gas to $2.50 a gallon. It's not catching on with voters. How bad a candidate are you that people are willing to pay higher gas prices just to keep you out of office?Not a good week for Obama either. His approval rating has dropped 9 percent in the last month to an all-time low of 41 percent. In fact, if this keeps up, the White House said they may have to fish bin Laden out of the ocean and shoot him all over again.A new CBS poll found that 80 percent of Americans say they are not better off than they were four years ago. The other 20 percent own gas stations.A Harvard study says that one out of 10 deaths are caused by red meat. You know what that really means? Nine of those 10 people were killed by vegetables.Drug users in San Francisco have now formed a drug user's union. So look for the union label when you're buying crack. Actually, the drug users are really different now that they've formed a union. Now one guy smokes crack and four other guys stand around watching.Police across the country say there's been a spike in criminals stealing Tide laundry detergent. So I guess all those commercials that say it cleans blood stains are really paying off. If you steal Tide laundry detergent, would that be considered a white-collar crime?This month, in 1781, Sir William Herschel first discovered Pluto but apparently, it wasn't good enough to remain classified as a planet. In 2006, Pluto was downgraded. It's now called a dwarf planet, which I think is insensitive. "Little People Planet" would be fine.March Madness officially began March 13th and millions of workers will waste 90 minutes a day watching basketball. Obama was at one of the games and he brought British Prime Minister David Cameron with him. It's part of a cultural exchange program. They go to a basketball game here and get involved in a brawl and then in July, the prime minister has invited Obama to England to take part in a soccer riot.
This Date In History: 1521; Ferdinand Magellan reached the Philippines. 1850;
Nathaniel Hawthorne's novel The Scarlet Letter was published. 1926; The first liquid-fuel rocket was successfully launched by Professor Robert Goddard at Auburn, Massachusetts. The rocket traveled 184 feet in 2.5 seconds. 1935; Adolf Hitler cancelled the military clauses of the Treaty of Versailles.1968; The My Lai massacre occurred in Vietnam. 1978 Italian politician Aldo Moro was kidnapped, and later murdered, by the Red Brigades. 1985; U.S. journalist Terry Anderson was kidnapped in Beirut; he was not released until December 4, 1991 after 2454 days in captivity.1988; Lieutenant Colonel Oliver L. North and Vice Admiral John M. Poindexter of the National Security Council are indicted on charges of conspiracy to defraud the United States for their role in the Iran-contra affair.Picture Of The Day: Happy Saint Patrick's Day !
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Being Irish, I'm going celebrate St. Patrick's Day in my backyard and sit down with Paddy O'Furniture. 2) The reason leprechauns laugh when they run is because the grass tickles their balls. 3) My doctor was puzzled and told me "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble. I think it must be drinking." I told him, "Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober." 4) My pal, O'Malley told me that that his wife was driving him to drink. He's lucky, my ex-wife made me walk ! 5) The Irish Jig began when Irishmen had too many drinks and not enough restrooms.....and that's five !Today's Horoscope: Pisces - March 16th: The stars align for you and Saint Paddy's Day parties will virtually assure you of two days of throwing up pieces of green. Don't let it get you down. A plate of corned beef and cabbage will put you back on the right track. Chance of romance is 89.33 percent but it may involve one of the people you party with tonight. Wear your glasses, just in case.Birthdays: James Madison, fourth President of the United States 1751, Georg Simon Ohm, physicist 1787, Reza Shah Pahlevi, shah of Iran 1877, Henny Youngman, comedian 1906, Jerry Lewis, comedian 1926, Daniel Patrick Moynihan, sociologist and politician 1927, Bernardo Bertolucci, filmmaker 1940.The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin and coming in the opposite direction was Father O'Rafferty. Father O'Rafferty said, "And how is Mrs. O'Donovan? Didn't I marry you two years ago?" She replied "Aye, that you did, Father." Father O'Rafferty said, "And be there any little ones yet?" Mrs. O'Donovan said, "No, not yet, Father." Father O'Rafferty said, "Well, now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you." Mrs. O'Donovan said. "Oh, thank you, Father," and away she went.Some years later they met again. The Father said, "Well, now, Mrs. O'Donovan, how are you?" Mrs. O'Donovan said, "Oh, very well." Father O'Rafferty said, "Tell me, have you any little ones yet?" Mrs. O'Donovan "Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles - ten in all." Father O'Rafferty said, "Now isn't that wonderful. And how is your husband?" Mrs. O'Donovan "Oh, he's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle."Patrick Flaherty came home drunk every evening around midnight. Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either, so one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him. As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, "Patrick Sean Flaherty, if ya' don't give up you're drinkin', it's to hell I'll take ye'".Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who the hell are you?". Too that the Missus replied, "I'm the divil ya' damned old fool". Flaherty replied, "Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were discussing different pubs. The Scotsman said,"As good as this is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."The Englishman said, "Well, Angus, at my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."The Irishman said, "Ahhh, that's nothin'. Back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, all on the house!"The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. The asked the Irishman, "Did this actually happen to you?" The Irishman, "Not meself personally, but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."May the road rise to meet you, May the wind be always at your back, May the sunshine warm upon your face, The rains fall soft upon your fields and, Until we meet again, May God hold you in the palm of His hand.It's Saint Patrick's Day and an armed, hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot, one brave, Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shoots the guy without hesitation!He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him also. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.The robber screams, "Did anyone else see my face?!" There is a few moments of silence then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says, "I think me wife may have caught a glimpse."That's it for today, my little leprechauns. May you always have walls for the winds, a roof for the rain, tea beside the fire, laughter to cheer you, those you love near you and all your heart might desire. AREA 51 beckons. Have a great weekend and more on Friday.Stay Tuned !
