Have You Ever Had One Of Those Days?

Despite my best efforts, some days, things just go wrong. It happens to the best of us. Everything you touch seems to break or get screwed up. On these days, I try to pee with no hands, just in case.

My latest brilliant move was to drop the power steering cap into the bowels of the engine compartment. I had deliberately set the oil cap out of harm's way (me) and was replacing the power steering cap back on when it slipped from my hand.

After checking underneath the car to see if the cap had dropped straight through to the ground, I concluded that it was somewhere in the motor compartment. After feeling around, I located the cap but I could not get it out.

Fortunately, after making a few calls, my go-to car guy found a replacement cap and I replaced it on the power steering unit. The old cap still dwells somewhere in the motor compartment.

Folks, I play several musical instruments and have never been a klutz, but there are days when I should have remained in bed..... 

The News As I See It: Donald Trump won every Republican state primary last Tuesday night except for Ohio, which went to John Kasich. Marco Rubio pulled out of the race after losing the Florida primary to Trump by almost 20 points. Rubio told supporters, "We should have seen this coming" If it makes you feel any better, Marco, we did.

Seven-Eleven will hold its second annual "Bring Your Own Cup Day" where it will give customers a discounted Slurpee as long as they bring in any container resembling a cup. In a related story, Home Depot has sold out of trash cans.

This Date In History: 1584; Russian czar Ivan IV, or Ivan "The Terrible," died at age 53. 1766; After months of American protests, Britain repealed the Stamp Act. 1925; The most violent single tornado in U.S. history, the “Tri-State Tornado,” hit Missouri, Indiana, and Illinois, killing 689 people and injuring 13,000 others.

1963; The Supreme Court held in Gideon v. Wainwright that public defenders must be provided for indigent defendants in felony cases. 1965; Soviet cosmonaut Aleksei Leonov made the first spacewalk. 1967; The oil tanker Torrey Canyon was wrecked off the Cornish coast of England, spilling 919,000 barrels of oil into the sea.

1990; The biggest art theft in U.S. history occurs at the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum in Boston. The works, including pieces by Vermeer and Rembrandt, were never recovered. 2004; A small asteroid made the closest approach to Earth ever recorded, only about 26,500 miles away. 2005; After a long legal battle, Terry Schiavo's feeding tube was removed. She died 13 days later.

Picture Of The Day: No comment

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'm not saying that the girl I met last Friday was slow, but she thought Gazpacho was Pinocchio's father. 2) There is no child so bad that he or she can't be used as an income tax deduction. 3) I was once pulled over for drinking while driving. I accused them of "profiling", but I was wrong. As it turned out, they were stopping every car driving down that particular sidewalk. 4) After seeing enough episodes of "Cops", I know that you should avoid people with blurry faces.  5) If I had known the difference between antidote and anecdote, my friend Timmy would still be alive today. He got bitten by a rattlesnake and I read him humorous stories from Reader's Digest.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - March 18th: Don't trust little birdies, they're renown liars. The story of the tortoise and the hare will make you rethink things the coming week. Don't worry, the tortoise still wins because the hare doesn't read fairy tales.

Birthdays: Grover Cleveland, 22nd and 24th President of the United States 1837, Rudolf Diesel, engineer and inventor 1858, Neville Chamberlain, statesman 1869, George Plimpton, writer, editor, actor 1927, John Updike, writer 1932 F.W. de Klerk, political leader 1936, Bonnie Blair, speed skater 1964, Queen Latifah, musician, actress 1970.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two old men, Murray and Hiram, are discussing the local gossip at the Shady Elm Retirement Home when eighty-year-old Sadie walks by. Sadie says. "Hiya Boys!"

The old men nod in acknowledgement and Hiram whispers to Murray, "That Sadie's a fox but she has a foul mouth. The other night she used the 'F' word."

Murray said, "Sadie, that sweet old lady? When did she say the 'F' word?" Hiram said, "Right after the old lady sitting next to her yelled, 'Bingo!'"

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?" The young man replied, "Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks'" The pastor asked. "What happened?"

The young man said, "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."

The pastor said, "You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church." The young man said, "Yeah, I know. We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The Head Gardner at the White House has been fired. Jim Whitey, the head gardener at the White House, was dismissed today after 28 years of loyal service to many US Presidents.

In an exclusive interview outside the back gate of the Presidential Residence, Mr. Whitey, an elderly gentleman, proclaimed his innocence and strongly condemned his firing.

Mr Whitney said, "It all happened so fast. I'm still in a daze. All I know is, I was getting ready to weed the rose bed outside the Oval Office window like I do every week. I yelled out to my assistants, 'Has anyone seen the spade and the hoe?' The next thing I knew, the Secret Service was escorting me off the property!" 

A young couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred. Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet to pee and neglected to notice that the seat was up.

When she sat, she kept going! She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her. She cried for her husband, who rushed in and for the next hour tried desperately to free her.

In this process, they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs. Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem.

When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way.

Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber, grabbed a stuffed bunny rabbit that was on the bed and placed it over his wife's exposed privates. The plumber walked into the bathroom, took a long look and said, "Well, I can save your wife, Buddy, but the rabbit's a goner."

That's it for today, my little sweet potatoes. Remember, being a member of a minority does not make you noble or victimized. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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No Chance For Garland Supreme Court Nomination

Obama selected Merrick Garland, a centrist judge, for the U.S. Supreme Court on Wednesday. Garland's position against the Second Amendment virtually eliminates his consideration. A lame duck president has not had a justice approved since 1880.

The conservative Judicial Crisis Network, which plans to spend at least $2 million on an advertising campaign to oppose Judge Merrick Garland’s nomination, says the nominee "has a very liberal view of gun rights"

JCN chief counsel Carrie Severino said in a blog post that Judge Merrick’s record on the bench since 1997 "leads to the conclusion that he would vote to reverse one of Justice Scalia’s most important opinions, D.C. vs. Heller, which affirmed that the Second Amendment confers an individual right to keep and bear arms."

In 2007, a three-judge panel of the D.C. Circuit ruled against the District’s handgun ban in Parker v. District of Columbia (the case which eventually became District of Columbia v. Heller when it went before the Supreme Court).

The D.C. government asked for a rehearing of the case before all 10 judges of the appeals court. Six judges voted not to rehear the case, but four, including Judge Merrick, voted for a rehearing.

Conservatives say that’s presumably because he disagreed with the three-judge panel that had ruled to overturn the handgun ban.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said Wednesday the Senate will not consider Obama's nomination of Merrick Garland to the Supreme Court. The Kentucky Republican said, "Obama did it not with the intent of seeing the nominee confirmed, but in order to politicize it for the purpose of the election."

While Obama has the constitutional right to nominate a candidate for the Supreme Court, his feeble attempt to slip in a seemingly moderate judge that agrees with his utter disregard for the Second Amendment will kill any chances of Garland's approval.

The News As I See It: Hillary Clinton beat Bernie Sanders in Florida. That's pretty tough when a 74-year-old Jewish man can't win in Florida.

A new poll found that the majority of millennials would vote for Hillary Clinton over Donald Trump. Then millennials found out you can't vote by texting and said, "Never mind!"

Last weekend was Daylight Savings Time and we all lost an hour of our lives. Plus, I watched the Democratic debate so I actually lost three hours of my life.

How is it that my airbag knows exactly when I'm going to get into an accident, but my car can't figure out how to go forward an hour for Daylight Savings Time?

This Date In History: 1521; Ferdinand Magellan reached the Philippines. 1850; Nathaniel Hawthorne's novel The Scarlet Letter was published. 1926; The first liquid-fuel rocket was successfully launched by Prof. Robert Goddard at Auburn, Massachusetts. The rocket traveled 184 feet in 2.5 seconds.

1935; Adolf Hitler cancelled the military clauses of the Treaty of Versailles. 1968; The My Lai massacre occurred in Vietnam. 1978; Italian politician Aldo Moro was kidnapped, and later murdered, by the Red Brigades.

1985; U.S. journalist Terry Anderson was kidnapped in Beirut; he was not released until December 4, 1991 after 2454 days in captivity.

1988; Lieutenant Colonel Oliver L. North and Vice Admiral John M. Poindexter of the National Security Council are indicted on charges of conspiracy to defraud the United States for their role in the Iran-contra affair.

Picture Of The Day: Happy Saint Patrick's Day

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If you play a game with your girlfriend where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with, choose a celebrity and not "Liz from Accounting." 2) The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some great ideas! 3) I saw a woman with a lower back tattoo that said "Classy" and my brain leaked out of my ear 4) Quit blaming your smart phone's auto-correct! You meant to say "furbenglurbrn."  5) I had a cold and my doctor recommended coffee enemas. I can never go back to Starbucks.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - March 16th: Feel welcome to share your inner most secrets with your family and friends. They will praise you for your honesty and may only exclude you from certain holidays and special events.

Birthdays: James Madison, 4th President of the United States 1751, Georg Simon Ohm, physicist 1787, Reza Shah Pahlevi, shah of Iran 1877, Henny Youngman, comedian 1906, Jerry Lewis, comedian, 1926, Daniel Patrick Moynihan, sociologist and politician 1927, Bernardo Bertolucci, filmmaker 1940.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs.

Finally, after she had crossed her legs enough times, her husband asks, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" She answered with a seductive smile, "Yes." Her husband replied, "Thank God. For a moment, I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa."

Some advice for young parents answering their children's future questions, "Dad, why did your generation find a fat Korean guy, singing and pretending to ride a horse, entertaining?" (You): "I don't know son, I just don't know."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Mike for his contribution to today's stories.

Brooklyn Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after ​ ​another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you ​ ​know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Brooklyn Tony replied, "You know, my grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Brooklyn Tony answered, "No, he minded his own f*cking business."

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I do?"

Mabel reached up to her ear, pulled out the suppository and stared at it. Then she said, "I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

That's it for today, my little tadpoles. Remember, alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More on Friday.

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Not Everyone Knows How To Make Cuban Coffee

I was spoiled early as the majority of the ladies I have known made cafe well. Local neighborhood "cafeterias" also made good cafe. The ladies showed me how to make cafe including "con espuma", the froth at the top. Woefully, I thought everyone knew how to make it. Wrong, coffee breath!

As for making cafe at home, Blanca (the children's grandmother from my wife's first marriage) was the best. Although the ladies in my life made great cafe, no one compared with Blanca.

Moreover, when I got divorced, it was Blanca who taught me that the "cafetera" (coffee maker) had to be seasoned. She told me to make coffee about six or seven times using the same coffee to get the metal taste out of the cafe. It took me a while to get the hang of it and the taste that I wanted.

When I moved to a new area, I went to several cafeterias and was really surprised that the cafe was horrible. Since most places served their cafe with a smile, I said nothing and quietly dumped my coffee in the nearest receptacle, making a mental note.

Nowadays, I know where to go to get good Cuban coffee and a meat or guava pastry which makes for a quick but filling fare. It's like anything else, some have it, some don't.....

The News As I See It: Barbie just turned 57-years-old. She looks great and is holding up well. The original Barbie was created in 1959. The first Black Barbie came out in 1968. In 1984 Barbie got married to Larry King and the rest is history.

This Date In History: 1743; The first town meeting was held in Boston, Massachusetts, at Faneuil Hall. 1794; The cotton gin was patented by Eli Whitney. 1939; The Republic of Czechoslovakia was dissolved, soon to be occupied by the Nazis.

1950; The FBI’s “Ten Most Wanted Fugitives” list made its debut. 1958; Perry Como's single "Catch a Falling Star" became the first RIAA gold record.

1964; Jack Ruby was found guilty of the murder of Lee Harvey Oswald, alleged assassin of President John F. Kennedy. 1990; The Soviet Congress voted Mikhail Gorbachev into the newly-created and powerful position of president.

Picture Of The Day: Making Cuban coffee at home is a little tricky at first, but over time. it's well worth it.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) In the South, we don't hide crazy. We parade it around on the front porch and give it sweet tea. 2) Three out of four voices in my head want to sleep. The other voice wants to know if penguins have knees. 3) Men feel sorry for Olympic soccer players. We know what it's like to try to score for 90 minutes and get nowhere.

4) I gave my girlfriend a tip how she could wash the dishes better. On a side note, Dawn dish liquid is really starting to make my hands softer.  5) My girlfriend and I went camping this weekend in her SUV and two raccoons got in the car. Long story short, if you see two 'coons speeding in a 2011 Jeep Cherokee, call me.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - March 14th: Finding that special someone in your life is more easily accomplished with Ghirardelli dark chocolate and Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia ice cream rather than tequila. However, it generally is much easier to eat that stuff at home and then go out and find love. It is likely to be hiding at either your neighborhood coffee shop or your local supermarket.

Birthdays: Georg Telemann, composer 1681, Giovanni Schiaparelli, astronomer 1835, Paul Ehrlich, bacteriologist 1854, Casey Jones, railroad engineer 1864, Albert Einstein, American theoretical physicist 1879, Diane Arbus, photographer 1923, Michael Caine, actor 1933, Quincy Jones, composer 1933, Billy Crystal, actor, comedian and writer 1947.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The new blonde employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused. A fellow worker asked her, "Need some help?" The blonde replied, "Yes, how does this thing work?"

The coworker took the bulky report from her hands and began feeding it into the shredder. The blonde said, "Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

The coach asked, "Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes.

The coach continued, "So, when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded.

The coach said, "Good! Now go over there and explain it to your mother."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A Texan walks in to a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texans offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up, taps the Texan on the shoulder and asks, Is your bet still good?" The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If you don't mind me asking, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh, I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could actually do it."

A rescue team finally finds a crashed airplane. The lone survivor is chewing on a bone next to a huge pile of human bones. The rescuers are shocked.

The survivor says, "Don't judge me for this. I had to survive." The leader of the rescue team says, "Damn, man, your plane only went down three days ago."

That's it for today, my little woodchucks. Remember, if you see me running you'd better join me, because it’s just something I don’t do.

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More on Wednesday.

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Le Chat Noir (The Black Cat)

Le Chat Noir (French for "The Black Cat") was a nineteenth-century entertainment establishment, in the bohemian Montmartre district of Paris. Appropriately, friends Luly, Paul, Sandra and myself own black cats and lean bohemian.

Together with artist extraordinaire Ileana and many other special friends, we are known to frequent the local nightlife with gusto.

Today's subject came from an inadvertent use of the title phrase in a friend's post, which prompted me to delve more deeply into the subject matter.

Le Chat Noir opened on 18 November 1881 at 84 Boulevard de Rochechouart by the impresario Rodolphe Salis, and closed in 1897 not long after Salis' death (much to the disappointment of Picasso and others who looked for it when they came to Paris for the Exposition in 1900).

Le Chat Noir is thought to be the first modern cabaret, a nightclub where the patrons sat at tables and drank alcoholic beverages while being entertained by a variety show on stage. The acts were introduced by a master of ceremonies who interacted with well-known patrons at the tables.

Perhaps best known now by its iconic Théophile Steinlen poster art, in its heyday it was a bustling nightclub that was part artist salon, part rowdy music hall. The cabaret published its own humorous journal Le Chat Noir until 1895.

The News As I See It: Kim Kardashian posted a naked selfie last weekend and yesterday, Sharon Osbourne got inspired and posted a naked selfie. That explains why today, authorities shut down Barbara Walters' Internet service.

Kraft has announced that they've gone natural. I first assumed that natural meant they were making their products in the buff.

When they say "natural," they mean they have removed all artificial preservatives, flavors, and dyes from their classic Mac and Cheese recipe. I don't get it. I was not aware that a packet of dust was a technically a recipe.

Kraft claims you can't taste the difference and they can prove you can't taste the difference because they changed the recipe three months ago and they've now sold 50 million boxes of the new recipe without people noticing.

This Date In History: 1861; The Confederate States of America adopted its constitution. 1888; A torrential rainstorm hit the East Coast. The rain turned to snow the next day and it became the Blizzard of 1888, the most famous snowstorm in American history. It caused more than 400 deaths.

1930; William Howard Taft became the first U.S. president to be buried in the National Cemetery in Arlington, Virginia. 1941; President Roosevelt signs the Lend-Lease Bill. 1942; General Douglas MacArthur leaves the Philippines saying, "I shall return."

1985; Mikhail Gorbachev became head of the Soviet Union following the death of Konstantin Chernenko. At 54, he was the youngest member of the ruling Politburo. 1990; A newly elected parliament in Lithuania declared its independence from the Soviet Union.

1990; Augusto Pinochet of Chile, dictator since 1973, steps down. 1993; Janet Reno won unanimous Senate confirmation to be the first female U.S. Attorney General. 2004; Over 200 people were killed and over 1,400 were injured when bombs exploded in Madrid train stations. Al-Qaeda took responsibility for the attacks.

2011; Japan is hit by an enormous earthquake that triggers a deadly 23-foot tsunami in the country's north, about 230 miles northeast of Tokyo. Cooling systems in one of the reactors at the Fukushima Daiichi Nuclear Power Station fail shortly after the earthquake, causing a nuclear crisis.

Picture Of The Day: There are some black cats, however, who would never fit in at Le Chat Noir.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If a state trooper asks, "You drinking?", the correct answer is not, "You buying?" 2) The best thing about telepathy is..... - I know, right? 3) My friend's mother-in-law is coming to stay with him for a week. He spent the day clearing out half of his closet so she would have a place to hang upside down and sleep. 4) I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability. 5) Sixty percent of all pit bull attacks occur when tying the bandanna around its neck and putting the sunglasses on its face.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - March 11th: Teepees are a saucy place to hide out and make love but it's really not the same ambiance and the room service is not as good. If you insist on gambling at the roulette table, play $5 on number 38.

Birthdays: Sir Malcolm Campbell, automobile and speedboat racer 1885, Vannevar Bush, engineer 1890, Harold Wilson, statesman 1916, Ralph Abernathy, civil rights leader 1926, Rupert Murdoch, publisher 1931, Antonin Scalia, Supreme Court Justice 1936.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: One day a teacher was teaching religion, when she asked the class, "What part of your body do you think goes up to heaven first?" Two children rose their hand. One was little Johnny.

Hesitant to pick on him she chose little Mary. Mary answered, "I think your heart goes first because, that's were your emotions of love are." The teacher said, "Very interesting. Mary."

Seeing no one else had their hand raised but Johnny, she finally called on him. Johnny said, "I think your feet go up first." Confused but relieved the teacher said, "Why is that?"

Johnny replied, "Once when I walked in my parents room, I saw my mom with her feet in the air saying, 'Oh God!' If Dad hadn't been on top of her holding her down, she'd be in heaven"

A man goes over to his brother's house, all bruised and his clothes torn. His brother says, "Man, where have you been?" The guy says, "I just got back from burying my mother-in-law,"

His brother asks, "How did you get all bruised and your clothes torn from burying your mother-in-law?" The guy replied, "She wouldn't lie still....."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man was coming out of church one day and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed the man by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

The man said, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." The Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service!"

The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed some exercise. He said, "You need to make sure this dog runs around. Try playing a game of fetch with him."

The blonde said, "I can't play fetch with my dog." The doctor said. "Why not?" She replied, "He can't throw."

That's it for today, my little petunias. Remember, there is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

I'm Absent Minded. Also, I'm Absent Minded

My newest trick is to put things in juxtaposed places. Today I put Samantha's empty food can on the floor and her food into the garbage, plate and all. Fortunately, it was peanut butter side up, so I was able to salvage it.

Frankly, most of the time, things like this amuse me. But putting things in the wrong places can also result in major problems. I have a secret hiding place where I have stored a $100 dollar bill. The only problem is that I have no idea where my secret hiding place is.

Years ago, I found myself standing in front of the dirty clothes hamper preparing to urinate. Fortunately, I caught myself in time. As I stood there trying to figure out why I was there, I noticed the toilet lid was down.

I lifted the lid and saw my socks floating in the water. Of course, that was back in the day of barhopping until the wee hours, so I know what caused the confusion.

Over the years, I have resorted to writing things down in different places. All the information is the same, but it also serves as a map to find other forgotten locations.

I have decided that my mind is just a computer using Windows 7 and I'm trying to continually store more information that the computer is willing and able to store.

Bobby and father "Shorty" back in the day.

On a sad note: Auto Racing legend Bobby Johns passed away last night at the age of 83. Bobby successfully raced in both Nascar and Indycar races but his racing roots were developed in the greater Miami area.

I had the pleasure of knowing Bobby and his father, Shorty, and enjoyed watching Bobby in the early days racing at all the local speedways. Rest in peace, Bobby,

The News As I See It: In Sunday night's Democratic debate, Hillary Clinton said that several times a day, she speaks to God. but never for under $100,000.

There were more caucuses and primaries last weekend. Donald Trump and Ted Cruz each won two states. Rubio won Puerto Rico. Bernie Sanders won a few states. Hillary Clinton won big in Louisiana. Everyone went home with a win letter just like soccer camp. Even John Kasich got one for participation.

This Date In History: 1796; Napoleon Bonaparte married Josephine de Beauharnais, widow of a former French officer executed during the revolution. 1841; The Supreme Court ruled that the Amistad slaves were free.

1862; The first battle between two ironclad ships, the Monitor (Union) and Merrimack (Confederate) occurred, revolutionizing naval warfare. 1933; The special session of Congress known as the "100 days" opened, launching FDR's New Deal.

1964; U.S. Supreme Court issued N.Y. Times v. Sullivan ruling. 1990; Dr. Antonia Novello was sworn in as both the first Hispanic and woman to be U.S. surgeon general.

Picture Of The Day: Bobby Johns and famed mechanic Smokey Yunnick at Indianapolis Motor Speedway

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first. 2) Duct tape can't fix stupid but it can muffle the sound. 3) Couples who have been married a long time start finishing each others sentences. The most popular ending being, "Shut the f*ck up!" 4) There is no "we" in "bacon. 5) Last weekend, during a routine cleanup, park crews discovered a cannon from the Revolutionary War that was still loaded. Old, loaded and ready to go — just like me before a karaoke show......and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - March 8th: Chew the cud with some friends today. Their inane chatter may amuse you. The randomness of the universe may affect you today as you search for meaning in a cornflake that looks a lot like your ex-mother-in-law.

Birthdays: Leland Stanford, American railroad builder 1824, Victoria Mary Sackville-West, writer 1892, Yuri Gagarin, cosmonaut 1934, Raul Julia, actor 1940, Bobby Fischer, chess grandmaster 1943.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: There's a new study about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are very interesting.

Thirty percent of the women feel that their ass is too fat. Ten percent of the women feel that their ass is too skinny.

The remaining sixty percent say they don't care. They love him, he is a good man and they wouldn't trade him for the world.

A man in South Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."

The passerby asked, "But what’s with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down, they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

The coroner says to the inspector, "The first body is a Frenchman, 60, who died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile."

The Coroner says, "The second body is a twenty-five-year-old Scotsman who won a thousand pounds on the lottery and spent it all on whisky. He died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" The coroner says, "This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob is a thirty-year-old-man from Kentucky and was struck by lightning."

The inspector asks, "Why is he smiling then?" The coroner replied, "He thought he was having his picture taken."

A Republican was campaigning across the South and his travels took him to a rural area in the Smokey Mountains which was not known to be Republican.

He stopped by a farm to do some campaigning and when the farmer learned that he was a Republican, his jaw dropped and he said, "Wait right here 'til I go get Ma. She's never seen a Republican before."

While waiting on the farmer to return, the candidate looked around to find a podium to make his speech. The only thing he could find was a large pile of manure. The farmer returned with his wife and the candidate climbed up on the mound and made his speech.

When he finished, the farmer said, "You know, that's the first time I ever heard a Republican make a speech." The candidate replied, "Well, that's the first time I ever made a Republican speech from a Democratic platform."

That's it for today, my little sweet potatoes. Remember, a good discussion is like a miniskirt. Short enough to maintain interest and long enough to cover the subject. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More on Friday.

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