Abraham Lincoln said: "You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time." That said, people still buy anything on TV that's priced at $19.95. These people also vote.
People used to pay for AOL and Angie's List until they woke up. These products are now free.
The people who reap these rewards know that sheep always need a shepherd. They let the animals graze and then they shear them and sell their wool.
Politics are no different. Most people don't know shit from Shinola and few are actually aware of all the hidden lies and corruption.
Nevertheless, people still argue and fight over whose party is better and who the best candidate is. In actuality, they're just liars and thieves who prostitute themselves for money. Kinda sad, huh?
The News As I See It: North Korea is said to be working on a big new project. Sometime in the next 10 years North Korea is hoping to plant a flag on the moon. By that I assume they mean they're looking for someone who can photoshop a picture of their flag on the moon.
This Date In History: 1807;
Robert Fulton's steamboat, the Clermont, began its trip up the Hudson River to Albany.
1863;
Fort Sumter, S.C. was bombarded by Union ships during the Civil War.
1896;
Prospectors found gold in Alaska, a discovery that set off the Klondike gold rush.
1945;
Indonesian nationalists proclaimed independence from the Netherlands.
1962;
18-year-old Peter Fechter was shot and killed by guards at the Berlin Wall, spurring riots.
1969;
Hurricane Camille devastated the Gulf Coast, killing 248 people.
1978;
The first successful trans-Atlantic balloon flight landed outside of Paris.
1987;
Rudolf Hess, Adolf Hitler's second in command, committed suicide.
2008;
U.S. swimmer Michael Phelps won his eighth gold medal, breaking the record set by Mark Spitz in the 1972 Games. Phelps also set the record for the most golds in a single Olympics.
Picture Of The Day: By the way, for those of you who do not know, this is Shinola.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) They asked me who my friend was and I said, "His name is Sanjay although you may know him as Mike from Microsoft customer service."
2) Tonight's weather forecast is: Dark, continuing mostly dark tonight, leading to widely scattered areas of light in the morning. 3) I don't know if I want to change the world or just toilet train it. 4) Sow your wild oats on Friday night, then pray for crop failure on Sunday. 5) My friend and his wife have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, they go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine and a romantic dinner. She goes Tuesdays, He goes Fridays.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 17th: Remember to chew before you swallow. You may hear good news today from an older person who may or may not be intoxicated. Thinking and doing are two separate things. However, thinking about what you're doing is always a good idea. Try to remember this today when you're trying to tie your shoelaces while staring at the person across the bar from you.
Birthdays: William Carey, missionary 1761, Davy Crockett, frontiersman 1786, Marcus Garvey, black nationalist leader 1887, Mae West, American comedienne 1893, Ted Hughes, poet 1930, V. S. Naipaul, author 1932, Robert De Niro, film actor 1943, Sean Penn, actor 1960.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An older man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about gambling, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."
I was walking down the road and saw my Irani neighbor Achmed standing on his second floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's wrong, Achmed? Won't it start?
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks the man, "What's going on?"
The man says, "Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and are asking for a $10 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car,
taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving?" The man replies, "On average, about a gallon."
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears: Bump... Bump... Bump... Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. Bump... Bump... Bump...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him. Faster... Faster!... Bump... Bump... Bump...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket.... Clapping-Bump... Clappity-Bump... Clappity-Bump...
On his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding, his head is reeling, his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud crash the casket breaks down the door, bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket......and..... (wait for it) ....the coffin stops.
That's it for today, my little orange blossoms. Remember,As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes and I can't remember the other two. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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The time will come when America replaces political correctness with swift, possibly lethal, reaction to those who choose to run amok in the streets causing death, destruction and havoc. Police officers should not have to fear for their safety protecting its citizens.
Violence erupted in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, on Saturday after a black man was fatally shot by police. The man shot by police has been identified by family members as 23-year-old Sylville Smith. The officer who shot him is described as a 24-year-old black man with six years of experience. He has been placed on administrative leave.
Mayor Tom Barrett said the two officers involved in the chase and shooting were wearing body cameras. The cameras were operational, Barrett said.
He said the officer ordered the man to drop his gun twice and then fired several times when he refused.
Barrett said a photo from the body camera clearly shows Smith had the gun in his hand when he was killed.
One police officer is in the hospital after a brick was thrown through his squad car in the unrest that followed the shooting. Police vehicles and four businesses were set on fire.
The News As I See It: When asked about running for future office despite his age, Vice President Joe Biden this weekend told interviewers that if he didn't know how old he really was, he'd guess he's 44. And if he didn't know what time it was, he'd guess it's Miller Time.
This Date In History: 1057;
Macbeth, king of Scotland, was killed by Malcolm Canmore.
1911;
Proctor and Gamble Company introduced Crisco vegetable shortening.
1935;
Aviator Wiley Post and actor Will Rogers were killed in a plane crash.
1939;
The Wizard of Oz premiered in Hollywood.
1947;
The Indian Independence Bill created the two independent states of India and Pakistan.
1948;
South Korea became the Republic of Korea.
1969;
Woodstock Music and Art Fair opened at Max Yasgur's dairy farm in Bethel, New York.
1998;
A car bomb in Omagh, Northern Ireland, killed 29 people. It was the deadliest act of violence in more than 30 years of "Troubles."
2001;
Astronomers announced the discovery of the first solar system outside our own.
Picture Of The Day: Sylville Smith is no longer with us. He had been in trouble with the law dating back at least to 2011, according to arrest records released by the Milwaukee County Sheriff's Office late Sunday.
He was arrested or ticketed nine times in that period — for the shooting, a robbery, carrying a concealed weapon, theft, possession of heroin and more. His most recent arrest was July 22 for possession of cocaine, records show.
Last year, Smith was charged with first-degree recklessly endangering safety and with witness intimidation, but the charges were dismissed, court records show.
T
he charges were dropped even though the prosecutors had recorded jail calls in which Smith asked his girlfriend to pressure the victim to recant, according to court records.
In the witness intimidation case, Smith was accused of pressuring the victim in a shooting to recant a statement identifying him as the suspect, according to the criminal complaint.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Men reach their sexual peak around age 18 while women reach their sexual peak around age 35. Just about the time women reach their sexual peak, men are beginning to realize they have a favorite chair. 2) Why do people say "needless to say"? 3) You tell when a blonde is having a bad day when her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil. 4) To be politically correct, you cannot call people who steal from stores during crises "looters" anymore. You now have to call them undocumented shoppers. 5) It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 15th: Remember that water dissolves alien beasts and some witches. This information may or may not affect your balance when handing a glass of water to your mother-in-law.
Birthdays: Napoleon I, French emperor 1769, Walter Scott, writer 1771, Ethel Barrymore, actress 1879, Edna Ferber, author 1887, T. E. Lawrence, adventurer 1888, Julia Child, chef 1912.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered that question!"
A man was at a bank and in front of him there was an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated.
She said to the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. He said," What is it? " The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas.
A policeman interviews two blondes who are training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers, "We'll catch him fast because he only has one eye and one ear!" The policeman says, "Well, uh, that's because the picture only shows his profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for five seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmm - the suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is speechless because he really doesn't know if the suspect wears contacts or not. He says, "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file."
He leaves the room and goes to his office to check the suspect's file in his computer.
He returns with a beaming smile on his face and says, "Wow, it's true! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" The blonde replied. "That's easy, he can't wear glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
That's it for today, my little acorns. Remember, if you wipe your ass with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean, you may be a Muslim.
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Congrats to Michael Phelps and the American Olympic Team. Well done despite green swimming pools. Rio needs to eradicate the low-life thugs who attack tourists. Political corruption, rampant crime, inflation and pollution reign. Oh, did I mention the Sika virus?
Brazil's Senate voted overwhelmingly on Wednesday to indict President Dilma Rousseff on charges of breaking budget laws and to begin an impeachment trial that is expected to oust her from office and end 13 years of rule by the Workers Party.
In the interim, many members of sailing and rowing teams are becoming ill from the water which contains raw sewage and hospital waste. These illnesses will continue given the enormous pollution problems.
With all these known, continuing, problems, I was surprised that Rio even got the Olympics. Then again, it is understandable, since the alternative was Chicago.
There comes a time when the many must be protected from the few. Anarchy cannot be allowed to reign and at a certain point in time, these people need to be eradicated. Personally, you couldn't pay me enough to go to Brazil.....or Chicago.
The News As I See It: A new study finds that Americans have on average become several inches shorter in the past 100 years. But scientists say it's mainly because everyone is looking down at their cell phones.
This Date In History: 1624; Cardinal Richelieu was named chief minister of France by king Louis XIII. 1851; Issac Singer patented the sewing machine. 1865; British surgeon Joseph Lister became the first doctor to use an antiseptic during surgery.
1898; Hawaii was formally annexed to the United States. 1972; The last American combat troops left Vietnam. 1985; In the world's worst single-aircraft disaster, a Japan Air Lines 747 crashed into Mount Osutaka, killing 520 of the 524 aboard.
1998; Swiss banks agreed to pay $1.25 billion to settle lawsuits brought by Holocaust survivors and their heirs. The banks had kept millions of dollars deposited by Holocaust victims before and during World War II. 2000 The Russian military submarine, Kursk, and its crew were lost in the Barents Sea.
2004; N.J. governor James McGreevey announced his resignation. 2013; Notorious Boston gangster James (Whitey) Bulger was found guilty of 31 of the 32 charges he faced, including murder, extortion, money laundering, drug dealing and possession of weapons.
Picture Of The Day: Rio de Janeiro pollution
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Sometimes, when I am reading a good book, I stop to call and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.
2) When Brother Kirt and I were young, we liked to play in the sandbox, but the cat kept covering us up. 3) I've been trying to figure out why is there is an expiration date on sour cream. 4) You know you're getting older when you're afraid to cough in an elevator because you're unsure of which end it will come out. 5) They want to allow divorced women to compete in the Miss America pageant. Is that a good idea? Do you really want to hear, "My dreams for the future include world peace and that my ex-husband gets run over by a bus.".....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 12th: This day is tailor made for you. Go to a nice restaurant for lunch and buy a few lottery tickets. Oh, and buy gas for tonight. Chances for romance are 67.62 percent and even higher if you've got gas.... from the gas station.... You know what I mean!
Birthdays: George IV, king of Great Britain and Ireland (1820–30), eldest son and successor of George III 1762, Katharine Lee Bates, author 1859, Jacinto Benavente, dramatist 1866, Mary Roberts Rinehart, novelist 1876, Christy Mathewson, baseball player 1880, Cecil B. De Mille, film director 1881, Erwin Schrödinger, theoretical physicist 1887, Cantinflas, actor 1911, George Hamilton, actor, producer 1939, Pete Sampras, tennis player 1971.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A gynecologist who had lost interest in his medical practice decided to change careers and enrolled in auto mechanic school.
He performed well in the course but was still shocked when he got an off-the-chart 200 on his final exam. He asked the instructor to explain the grade.
The teacher replied, "I gave you 50 points for taking the engine apart correctly, 50 points for putting it back together correctly and an extra 100 points for doing it all through the muffler."
An old cowboy walked into a drug store and directly to the pharmacy. He said to the pharmacist, "Give me 3 packs of condoms, please."
The pharmacist said, "Would you like a paper bag?" The old cowboy replied, "Nah...she ain't that ugly."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Mike for his contribution to today's stories.
During the banquet celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. The emcee asked, "Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom responded, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness and many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single in the first place."
Medicare Part G:
Say you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and need Long-Term Care, but the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you.
So, what do you do?
You opt for Medicare Part G.
The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Part G) and one bullet. You are allowed to shoot one worthless politician. This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library and all the health care you need.
Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That’s great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered!
As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now!
And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can’t afford for you to go into a nursing home.
Moreover, you will get rid of a useless politician and because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes!
Is this a great country or what?
That's it for today, my little furballs. Remember, the sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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Audience members in political rallies are not there by chance. They are carefully selected by the rally organizers for political reasons. That said, why is the father of Orlando killer Omar Mateen seated behind Hillary Clinton?
Seddique Mateen, the father of ISIS-inspired Orlando nightclub gunman Omar Mateen, appeared in the background of a Hillary Clinton rally in Orlando, Florida, just steps away from the Democratic nominee, cheering her on and waving an American flag, even as she paid tribute to the victims of his son’s terror rampage and condemned his "hatred."
Mateen’s presence was first noticed by WPTV in Florida. The affiliate later interviewed Mateen, who held up a large, yellow pro-Clinton banner calling her "good for national security" and "gun control laws."
Mateen claimed he had been "invited" to the Florida rally just outside of Orlando. He also suggested the invitation may have come in the form of a mass email.
The Clinton campaign said Tuesday they were not aware of his presence. Right.....
The News As I See It: In a new poll, when asked if they would have sex with Bill Clinton, 86% of women in Washington, D.C., said, "Not again."
This Date In History: 1821
Missouri became the 24th state in the United States.
1846
The Smithsonian Institution was established in Washington, D.C., from funds left by British scientist James Smithson.
1921
Franklin D. Roosevelt was stricken with polio at his summer home on Campobello island.
1944
U.S. forces seized Guam from Japan.
1948
Candid Camera with Allen Funt debuted on television.
1988
President Reagan signed a bill that awarded $20,000 to each survivor of the Japanese-American internment.
1993
Ruth Bader Ginsburg was sworn in as the second female U.S. Supreme Court justice.
Picture Of The Day: Apparently, everyone wants to vote for Hillary...
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) An ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated which is kinda funny 'cause so does my Uncle.
2) If you pushed your naked clone off the top of a tall building, would it be murder, suicide or merely making an obscene clone fall? 3) The difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale is that a northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..." 4) An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience." 5) Sometimes, when I am reading a good book, I stop to call and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number .....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 10th: There is no reason to be worried about tomorrow. A film you will see today will set you straight about a number of things and will also serve to kill between one and a half and two and a half hours of the day. Probably. Sorry, it's a slow day for you, there's nothing much I can say that will make it any more interesting.
Birthdays: Herbert Hoover, 31st President of the United States 1874 Norma Shearer, actress 1900 Jorge Amado, author 1912 Rosanna Arquette, actress 1959 Antonio Banderas, actor 1960
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man and woman were in divorce court awaiting the judge's ruling on the financial and property settlement. The judge said, "Mr Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully and I've decided to give your wife $750 a week."
Mr Clark said, "That's very fair, your honor, and every now and then, I'll try to give her a few bucks, myself."
Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to baseball practice. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.
Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. He said, "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
His father replied, "That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A police officer in Pennsylvania was interviewing an old man who was a witness to a murder. The cop asked, "Did you see what happened?" The old man said, "No but I heard it and I know who did it"
The cop, a bit dubious, said, "What did you hear?"
The old man said, "Clip-clop, clip-clop, Bang!, clip-clop, clip-clop." The cop said, "And from that you know what happened?" The old timer said, "Yep, it was an Amish drive-by."
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The second guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too, and I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?" The second guy says, "Well, she is young, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big firm breasts and a tight ass. What does your wife look like?"
The first guy says, "Never mind, let's just look for yours."
That's it for today, my little blue birds. Remember, today's humor does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either myself or my cats. Anchovies or jalapenos added to jokes upon request; your mileage may vary; an equal opportunity joke employer; no shoes, no shirt, no jokes: if a rash, redness, irritation, or swelling develops, discontinue use. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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More on Friday.
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I have no interest in Pokemon GO, but it seems to be contributing to the thinning of the herd. While most people are busy doing silly things like working and caring for their families, Pokemon enthusiasts are walking in front of cars and falling into holes.
Pokemon has also spawned a new game for attorneys where they can either chase ambulances or follow Pokemon players until they are hit by a bus. Moreover, thugs now follow the players waiting to prey on the weakest and thus, thin the herd.
The News As I See It: A new study has come out analyzing the role of the female orgasm in reproduction. But the male scientists fell asleep before it was done and the female scientists had to finish writing it themselves.
This Date In History: 1789;
Congress established the U.S. War Department.
1947;
The wooden raft Kon-Tiki, which carried Thor Heyerdahl and five companions more than 4,000 miles, crashed into a reef in the Pacific.
1959;
The United States launched Explorer 6, which sent back a picture of Earth.
1964;
Congress passed the Tonkin Gulf Resolution, which expanded President Johnson's use of military powers in the Vietnam War.
1987;
Lynne Cox becomes the first person to swim from the United States to the Soviet Union, making the 2.7 mile trip through the frigid waters of the Bering Strait. Cox is surprised by the (relatively) warm welcome she receives from the Soviets.
1998;
U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed, by terrorists. Some 224 were killed and more than 5,500 injured.
2000;
Senator Joseph Lieberman of Connecticut was selected by Al Gore to be the first Jewish vice-presidential candidate on a major party ticket.
2007;
Barry Bonds passes Hank Aaron on baseball’s all-time home run list. The record, however, is discredited by many because of Bond’s alleged steroid use.
Picture Of The Day: Apparently, after being dumped from the Democratic National Committee Chair position, Debbie Wasserman Schultz is back in Miami campaigning for reelection. Her latest interview has her telling her followers that she was not booed at the Florida delegation breakfast speech. Hmmm, sounded like boos to me.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I want to give a shout out to my neighbors for the 2:30 am karaoke party. I hope you enjoyed my 6:00 am weed whacking.
2) Scientists say that there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. I guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip. 3) As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps. 4) I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money." 5) I got lost once when I was a kid. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.".....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 8th: Romantic gestures will flourish forth today from the cup of love you hold in your heart. Destiny will help you discover that you are not intended to be alone. Do not fret or languish, for chastity is curable, if detected early.
Birthdays: Charles Bulfinch, architect 1763, Matthew Henson, arctic explorer 1866, Sara Teasdale, poet 1884, Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings, author 1896, Emiliano Zapata, Mexican revolutionary 1879, Dustin Hoffman, actor 1937.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car.
He asked, "Are you trying to steal it?" One old lady said, "Heavens no, we bought it."
The cop said, "Then why don't you drive it away." The old lady said, "We can't drive."
The cop asked, "Then why did you buy it?" The other old lady replied, "We were told that if we bought a car here we'd get screwed, so we're just waiting."
An old lawyer, laying on his deathbed, called to his wife and asked her to bring the Bible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea and brought the Bible to her husband.
The lawyer took the Bible from her and began scanning the pages. Curious, knowing her husband wasn't a religious person, she asked, "What are you searching for, dear?" The lawyer replied, "Loopholes."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off. She said, proudly, "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30. My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."The teacher said, "Very good."
Little Jenny was next. She said, "I sold magazines. I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." The teacher said,"Very good."
It was Little Johnny's turn.
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. He said, "$2,467." The teacher said, "$2,467? What in the world were you selling?" Little Johnny said, "Toothbrushes."
The teacher asked, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?" Little Johnny replied, "I found the busiest corner in town and I set up a Dip and Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like shit!" I said, "It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
An elderly couple were discussing plans to get married and wanted to iron out any potential problems with their particular properties.
The old woman said, "I want to keep my condominium in my name" The old man replied, "That's fine with me." The woman said, "I also want to keep my Cadillac in my name only." The man said, "that's fine with me."
Then, the old lady said, "I want to have sex six days a week." The old man said, "That's fine with me - put me down for Fridays."
That's it for today, my little grasshoppers. Remember, lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
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More on Wednesday.
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