The End Of An Era

With threatening weather in the area, space shuttle Atlantis lifted off today from Cape Canaveral, marking the end of an era. The space shuttle program, which began in 1981, comes to an end when the Atlantis’ wheels roll to a stop on the runway in two weeks. God speed to the crew and a successful mission.

Obamacare, hmmm...... Let me get this straight. We're going to be "gifted" with a health care plan that we are forced to purchase and fined if we don't. It purportedly covers at least ten million more people without adding a single new doctor, but provides for 16,000 new IRS agents. It's written by a committee whose chairman says he doesn't understand it, passed by a Congress that didn't read it, but exempted themselves from it.

It is signed by a President who smokes, with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes, for which we'll be taxed for four years before any benefits take effect, by a government which has already bankrupted Social Security and Medicare. All this will be overseen by a surgeon general who is obese and financed by a country that's broke! What could possibly go wrong??

Texas executed Humberto Leal Garcia, a Mexican national, for the rape and murder of 16-year-old Adria Sauceda hours after she left a party with him in San Antonio, Texas in 1994, a charge that he admitted. The Mexican government denounced the execution saying Garcia was denied access to legal council from the Mexican Embassy. Here's my counsel. Don't jump the U.S.-Mexico border fence, then rape and murder a 16-year-old American girl or we will kill you.

The News As I See It: The new Presidential and Congressional rhetoric after another rise in unemployment is that it was caused by "headwinds"(?) and we need to have "shared sacrifice." I guess "kick the can down the road" was becoming a bit overused. What a bunch of inefficient assholes!

The TSA can't stop a Muslim with a fake ID and a day-old boarding pass, but they strip-search a 95 year old granny in a wheelchair. Government efficiency at its finest.

Vice President Joe O'Biden has a new Twitter account. He said he will not rest until he can embarrass President Obozo on every media platform ever invented.

A woman in Mexico was arrested after she tried sneak her husband out of prison inside her suitcase after a conjugal visit. Or as Southwest Airlines calls it, the next big thing in air travel.

Newt Gingrich says he does not support gay marriage. He says marriage is a sacred sacrament that should only be between a man and his first, second, and third wives.

This Date In History: 1776; The first public reading of the Declaration of Independence was given in Philadelphia, Pa. 1777; Vermont became the first colony to abolish slavery. 1889; The Wall Street Journal began publication.

1950; General Douglas MacArthur was named commander-in-chief of the United Nations forces in Korea. 1958; The Recording Industry Association of America awarded the first official gold album. It was for the Oklahoma soundtrack. 1986; Kurt Waldheim was inaugurated as president of Austria.

Picture Of The Day: Just once, I'd like to see the underdog win.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) An apple a day keeps the doctor away. An onion a day should take care of everyone else. 2) I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. 3) Even rarer than a doctor who can't stand the sight of blood Is a lawyer who can't stand the sight of money. 4) I walked into my doctor's office and said, "Doctor, I've eaten something that disagrees with me." A voice from inside my stomach said, "No, you haven't." 5) You know you're getting old when you go to the doctor and you realize that you have to pay someone to look at you naked.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Cancer - July 8th: Don't think that just because it's Friday you can rush through the day and make it to happy hour early. Be responsible! Try to find someone to whom you can delegate the work. Don't wear that same outfit you wore last Friday. The person you've been watching will remember the outfit and that's a turn-off. Of course, if you wait and go later, they will have already polished off three drinks and it won't really matter what you're wearing.

Birthdays: Jean de La Fontaine, poet 1621, Joseph Chamberlain, statesman 1836, Ferdinand Zeppelin, airship inventor and builder 1838, John D. Rockefeller, American industrialist and philanthropist 1839, Nelson A. Rockefeller, public official 1908, Julia Carson, politician 1938, Anjelica Huston, actress 1951, Kevin Bacon, actor 1958.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the wooden toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.

When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?" The doctor replies, "Well, yes, but never framed."

Steve says to his doctor, "I want to be castrated." The doctors says, "What on earth for?" Steve says, "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and my girlfriend suggested it." The doctor says, "Steve, you know you are dyslexic and you ought to think it through. It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back!" Steve says, "My girlfriend and I aware of that and you're not going to change my mind." The doctor says,"Well, okay, but it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way. Steve says, "Hi there. It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me." The patient said, "Well, I waited for year but my wife and I finally decided that it would be better if I was circumcised." Steve stared at him in horror and yelled, "Shit! That's the word!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

A woman took her dog to the vet. She said, "I think my dog is dead." The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn't move. The vet said, "Well, your dog isn't dead, but he needs rest. You've probably got kids at home."

The woman says, "Thank god! He has been playing a lot with the twins. How much do I owe you?" The doctor says, "$345". The woman says, "$345!!?" The doctor says, "Yes, $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."

A rancher needed a bull to service his cows but had to borrow the money from the bank to do so. The banker who lent the money came by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complained that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.

The next week the banker returned to see if the vet had helped. The farmer, looking very pleased, said, "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence and has serviced all my neighbor's cows too!" The banker says, "Wow, what did the vet do to that bull?" The farmer said, "He just gave him some pills." The banker asked, "What kind of pills?" The farmer said, "I don't know, but they sort of tasted like peppermint."

A female veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions about symptoms and how long had they been occurring. Finally, she interrupted him and said. "Hey look, I'm a vet. I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions. I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have to put you to sleep."

That's it for today my little doodle bugs. Remember, sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. I gotta remember that. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. I hope they have a question and answer session. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !