How Hot Was It?

There's a heat wave raging across America and there's no relief on the horizon. Health officials are telling Americans to stay home. Americans responded by saying, "We are home. We have no jobs." Weather experts say that a million square miles of the U.S. are under a "heat dome", but don’t worry, there's plenty of shade under our $14 trillion debt ceiling.

The heat index in Washington, D.C. was 114 degrees yesterday. It was so hot that Congress had to install a fan on the debt ceiling. Republicans are blaming President Obama for bringing the heat from his native Kenya.

It was so hot in the Midwest that people were sweating like Arnold Schwarzenegger trying to explain why he's been spending more time with the pool boy instead of the maid. It was so hot that people were standing next to Rupert Murdoch just to be near something shady.

There's still no deal on the debt ceiling. Washington is keeping us on the edge of our seat - a seat that will soon be repossessed. House Speaker John Boehner invited new democratic and republican congressmen over for pizza last night. Unfortunately, the delivery guy left when they spent 10 hours fighting over a plan to pay for it.

The News As I See It: I don't think Rupert Murdoch was personally involved in the phone hacking. He’s 80 years old. Old people don’t know how to hack a cell phone. Hell, old people don't even know how to use a cell phone. That’s why you see them shuffling down the street talking into an old slipper.

Rupert Murdoch and his son testified before parliament and did something that many powerful people would have done.....they blamed others.

The city of London has fined Obama for the traffic he caused while visiting back in May. Obama said, Don't worry, my grandkids will pay for it." Obama’s 50th birthday is coming up. If you’re thinking about getting him something, I'd suggest getting him the same present the "Scarecrow" wanted in "The Wizard Of Oz".

NASA is considering replacing the space shuttle with a space taxi. It can do everything the shuttle can do, except pick you up if you're black.

The Dalai Lama had a private meeting with Obama. The Dalai Lama wanted to discuss the political situation in Tiber and Obama wanted to know if it was too soon to bang Jennifer Lopez.

A man in Minnesota says his iPhone survived a 13,000-foot fall after it slipped out of his pocket while he was skydiving. That’s not surprising. If there’s one thing the iPhone is good at, it’s dropped calls.

If the national debt debates continues the way they have, we could very well hit the national political bullshit ceiling.

This Date In History: 1796; Cleveland, Ohio, was founded by General Moses Cleaveland. 1933; Wiley Post became the first person to fly solo around the world. 1934; John Dillinger was shot to death outside Chicago's Biograph Theater. 1937; Franklin D. Roosevelt's "court packing" scheme was rejected by the U.S. Senate.

1975; Congress restored Confederate general Robert E. Lee's U.S. citizenship. 1990; Greg LeMond won his third Tour de France. A Minnesota native, Lemond was the first American to win the great French cycling race. 2003; Saddam Hussein's sons, Uday and Ousay, were killed in a firefight. Ooday ooyay eallyray aircay?

Picture Of The Day: A picture paint a thousand words, or in this case, ice cubes.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast "The Flintstones". A spokesman for the channel said, "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humor, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do. 2) A friend of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I asked him about it, he said he could stop any time. 3) Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

4) The Governor of California, Gerry Brown, announced that he intends to make it more difficult for illegal aliens to claim government and state benefits. Hell, all they have to do is print the forms in English. 5) One of my lady friends went with me to the shopping mall and I used the new valet parking. She said to me, "You are so sweet!" I told her, "Yes, and on top of that, the valet always remembers where I parked the car.".....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Cancer - July 22nd: Okay, I know it's Friday and you want to go out tonight and let your hair down, but remember to do a little grooming first. You know what I mean. If it doesn't rain on Saturday night, it will on Sunday so plan your barbecue accordingly. By the way, you're not going to get out of inviting your mother-in-law to the barbecue, so go ahead and buy her a bottle of Southern Comfort so she nods off early.

Birthdays: Gregory Mendel, Austrian monk known for his work in heredity 1822, Emma Lazarus, poet and essayist 1849, Edward Hopper, artist 1882, Alexander Calder, sculptor 1898, Stephen Vincent Benét, author 1898, Amy Vanderbilt, journalist, author 1908, Oscar de la Renta, fashion designer 1932.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two Louisiana boys were given a special SAT test to meet their admission requirements to the Military Academy. Soon after the test began the first guy turns to the second guy and asks, "Old MacDonald had a what?" The other replies, "He had a farm." The first asks, "How do you spell it?" To which the second replied, "E-I-E-I-O."

A beautiful blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "It's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?"

The farmer says, "Well, you can stay here, but I don't want you messing with my sons Jed and Luke." She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. The blonde agrees.

After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?" They say, "Huh?" She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go it all night long.

Forty years later, Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, "You remember that blonde woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?" Luke says, "Yeah, I remember." Jed says, "Well, do you really care if she gets pregnant?" Luke says, "Nope, I reckon not." Jed says, "Me either, let's take these things off."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Pat in the U.K. and Wally for their contributions to today's stories.

A man had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was the size of a small auditorium and it was filled with patients. He approached the desk and gave the receptionist - a large, imposing woman - his name. In a very loud voice, she repeated his name, then said, "Yes, I see your name here. You want to see the doctor about impotence, right?

The man was stunned, but recovered his composure sufficiently to reply in an equally loud voice, "No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation and I'd like the same doctor who did yours!!"

The third-grade teacher said to little Sammy, you're late again!" Sammy said, "It's not my fault, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this on my Dad. The reason I'm three hours late is because my Dad sleeps naked." Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some years. She asked little Sammy what he meant, despite her mounting fears. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth.

Little Sammy said, "Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we have a coyote. The past few nights it ate hens and killed Mom's best milk goat. Last night, when Dad heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said to Mom, "That coyote's back and I'm going to get him! 'Stay back', he yelled to all us kids! He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! He crawled right up and stuck that double barrel through the window of the coop.

As he stared into the darkness with the coyote on his mind, our old hound dog, Zeke, woke up and snuck up behind Daddy. Then we all looked on helpless as old Zeke stuck that cold nose in Daddy's ass crack! Miss Crabtree, we been cleaning chickens since three this morning!"

That's it for today my little sea horses. Remember, don't worry if you can't recall how to throw your boomerang. It'll come back to you. Now if I can just recall how to get to AREA 51...... Anyway, have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !