Do Vegans Eat Animal Crackers?

I could never be a vegetarian or vegan. I looked up the definition to see what they eat and it seems to me that all they do is graze. I saw several different definitions, but for the most part, they don't eat meat, fish, poultry, honey, dairy products or eggs. No milk or eggs? How do they bread their chicken?

I once went out with a beautiful woman and I took her to a fine steakhouse. As we pulled up to the valet, she said, "Jimmy, I'm sorry, but I'm a vegan. I don't eat meat." Being the gentleman that I am, I left the steakhouse and took her to a very chic vegan restaurant where I dropped her ass off and went back to eat at the steakhouse.

I find that the few vegans I know always seem to be uptight or angry. They say that it's because that they are very committed and believe strongly in their lifestyle. Personally, I think it's because they're hungry.

My friend said, "You don't know what you're missing. Try this tofu, it tastes just like chicken." I tried the tofu and I said, "Unbelievable! You have completely forgotten what chicken tastes like."

I guess the only way I could end up being a vegetarian is if I had to hunt and kill my own food. I can knock down a slab of barbecued baby back ribs in a New York minute but if I was the one who had to kill and butcher the piglet, I guess we'd both be eating Cheerios for dinner. But, that's just me.....

The News As I See It: Economists are worried that if we fall into default "the good name of the United States" would suffer in the eyes of the world. Oh, please! We lost that fight the day we sent the cast of "Jersey Shore" to Italy.

According to a new poll, President Obozo is losing support from his own party. To give you an idea how bad it is, today Jimmy Carter even compared him to Jimmy Carter. In a recent speech, Obozo said that "compromise" has become a dirty word. The Republicans told him to go compromise himself.

Hollywood police used "non-lethal bean bags" to control a crowd that was rioting. Is there such a thing as lethal bean bags? If the riot escalated, they were authorized to switch to Marshmallow Peeps.

This Date In History: 1790; The first U.S. census was completed, showing a population of 3,929,214 people. 1876; Colorado became the 38th state in the United States. 1936; Adolf Hitler presided over the opening of the Berlin Olympic Games.

1946; President Truman signed the congressional acts that established the Atomic Energy Commission and the Fulbright Scholarship program. 1981; MTV made its debut at 12:01 AM. The first video shown was Video Killed the Radio Star by the Buggles.

Picture Of The Day: These photoshop vegetarian pictures amused me and I hope you enjoy them as well.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I was once pulled over by a cop ostensibly for driving under the influence. Personally, I thought the charges were contrived and prejudiced because they were pulling over everyone who was driving down that particular sidewalk. 2) Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow you may diet. 3) If someone cuts you off in traffic, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning. 4) Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving and I call those people "cops," but you know, sometimes you've just got no choice, those kids gotta get to school. 5) Regular naps prevent old age.....especially if you take them while driving.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Leo - August 1st: Today should be a great day for you. The moon is in the Seventh House And Jupiter is aligned with Mars..... Wait...oops, that's Aquarius. Oh well, hang out with Aquarians today just in case, because their day looks good. According to my calculations, money should come your way this week. Don't let romance interfere with paying your bills.

Birthdays: Claudius I, Roman Emperor 10 B.C., Jean Baptiste Lamarck, naturalist 1744, William Clark, explorer 1770, Francis Scott Key, author of national anthem 1779, Maria Mitchell, astronomer 1818, Herman Melville, American author 1819, Yves Saint Laurent, fashion designer 1936, Jerry Garcia, musician 1942.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old married couple was at home watching TV. The husband had the remote control and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. His wife became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"

Three Muslim women were sitting around one day discussing their children.
The first lady says, "My son loves Allah so much that he strap a bomb on himself and blew up the town center." The second lady says, "My son Mohammad loved Allah so much he drove a tanker truck full of gasoline into the gates of the enemies and he is in heaven with the virgins. The third women replies, "Children.....they blow up so fast now a days."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Regina for her contribution to today's post.

A doctor is making his rounds in the hospital when he comes upon a guy with the worst case of sunburn he has ever seen. The poor guy is burnt raw from head to toe and is in agony. He says to the doctor, "Is there anything you can give me to ease this terrible pain?"

The doctor says, "Yes, I'm going to prescribe Viagra for you," The guy says, "Viagra? Will that help my sunburn?" The doctor replied, "No, it won't help your sunburn, but at least it'll keep the sheets off your burns."

An older man finally gets his precription for Viagra. Eager to try it out, he takes one as soon as he gets home and waits for his wife to come home from work. In his excitement, he forgets and leaves the package open on the table and his parrot eats all of them. Seeing the results and panicking the man grabs the bird and stuffs him into the freezer to cool off.

Unfortunately, his Viagra kicks in just as his wife comes home and an hour later before he remembers the parrot. He runs and looks in the freezer expecting the worst, only to find the bird breathing heavily, drained with sweat and totally exhausted.

The man says to the parrot, "What happened? You were in there for an hour and yet you're not only alive but you're sweating like crazy?" The parrot pants, "Have you ever tried to pry apart the legs a frozen chicken?"

One evening, a husband said to his wife "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your ass!" His wife was not amused and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning, the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawers and a small dust cloud appeared when he shook them out. He hollered to his wife, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?" She replied with a snicker, "It’s not talcum powder, honey, it’s Miracle Grow!"

That's it for today my little sippy cups. Remember, when you're driving a car, it isn't a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !