Goodnight Irene, I'll See You In My Dreams

Hurricane Irene is on the horizon and although I've been following the storm, I wasn't aware of her name until yesterday, when my pal Linda warned me that "Irene" was headed my way. AREA 51 memory blank spots do not always allow me to recall the name of every woman I meet, so I was happy to see Sunday's weather update.

Of course, I'm not saying that I forget every woman's name, but there are a few hazy parts of my past that I can't exactly identify. That said, let's move on to Hurricane Irene, whose name by the way, still does not ring a social bell.

Current weather reports show her skirting the Greater Miami area and if that becomes true, we'll just deal with some inclement and stormy weather. On the other hand, if she bears a bit more northwesterly, we'll be in deep doo-doo.

Hurricanes have been known to turn on a dime and have taken highly unsuspecting tracks in the past, so it's always best to be prepared. I think that's why they're called hurricanes as opposed to hisicanes.

As a point of information, masculine names were not used in the past to name storms but modern society always comes up with a way to screw up everything. I've always identified raging storms as feminine. Now with the male named storms, I don't get too worried, I just think of the show, "Glee."

The Obozo administration's new policy will allow many illegal immigrants who don’t have criminal records the chance to stay in the United States. Since it's nearing election time and Obozo has not done what he promised for illegal immigration, this is simply "backdoor amnesty" and is blatantly being offered to court the Hispanic vote in the 2012 election.

The plan calls for case-by-case reviews of the approximately 300,000 illegal immigrants currently facing possible deportation. The only stupid thing Obozo didn't do was to refer to illegal immigrants as unregistered democrats.

The News As I See It: A new survey has Rick Perry ahead of Mitt Romney by 11 points, and Michele Bachmann is five points behind him. I think it’s going to come down to who wears the most flag pins.

Mitt Robme is calling Obozo's bus tour the "Magical Misery Tour", which is kind of funny coming from a member of the Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hair Club for Men.

This Date In History: 1642; The English Civil War began between supporters of King Charles I (Royalists or Cavaliers) and those of Oliver Cromwell (Roundheads). 1775; King George III proclaimed the American colonies to be in open rebellion. 1846; The United States annexed New Mexico.

1851; The U.S. yacht America outraced the British Aurora off the English coast to win a trophy that became known as the America's Cup. 1902; Theodore Roosevelt became the first United States president to ride in an automobile. 1910; Korea was annexed by Japan after five years as a protectorate.

1989; Black Panther co-founder Huey P. Newton was shot to death in Oakland, California. 2003; Alabama's chief justice, Roy Moore, was suspended for refusing to move a Ten Commandments monument from the state courthouse. 2004; A version of Edvard Munch's painting The Scream was stolen in Norway. Another version had been stolen in 1994.

Picture Of The Day: "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty"..... "Whoo?"..... Here, kitty, kitty, kitty"..... "Whoo?"..... Here kitty, kit..... forget it!"

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Don't trust "Little Birdies". Most of them are habitual liars and gossips. 2) The difference between gossip and news is whether I hear it or tell it. 3) I dated a blonde girl who thought "innuendo" was an Italian suppository. 4) Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip. 5) It's been said that only women gossip. That's not exactly true. How do you think guys and their buddies keep track of who's easy?.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Leo - August 22nd: Don't let your temper get the better of you, especially if you're having barbecued chicken for dinner. I know this makes no sense to you and, frankly, I don't understand it either. One thing for sure is that if you do have barbecued chicken for dinner, I highly doubt that romance is in the cards after dinner. It's the chipotle sauce.....

Birthdays: Claude Debussy, composer 1862, Jacques Lipchitz, sculptor 1891,
Dorothy Parker, writer 1893, Henri Cartier-Bresson, photojournalist 1908, John Lee Hooker, blues musician 1917, Ray Bradbury, writer 1920, Norman Schwarzkopf, general 1934, E. Annie Proulx, writer 1935, Bill Parcells, football coach 1941, Tori Amos, musician 1963.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill:

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?" The man said, "Nope, sure ain't." Satan said, "Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" The old man said, "Don't doubt it for a minute."

Satan persisted, "Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?" The old man said, "Yep." Satan asked, "And you're still not afraid?" The old man said, "Nope." More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

A man gets on a flight and sits down next to to an old Irish priest. I am surely blessed the man thinks. Here I am a good Catholic on a flight with a priest sitting next to me. The plane takes off and after a few minutes, the passengers take off their seatbelts. The man looks sideways and sees the priest reaching into his bag and takes out a crossword book. Marvelous, he thinks, not only am I blessed with a priest next to me but he does crosswords and so do I. Maybe he will ask for help.

The flight continues and the priest is working his way through the puzzle and the man notices that the priest is tapping his pencil, thinking. The priest turns to him and asks, "I usually don't talk to others on flights but I wonder if you can help me." The man says, "Anything Father, what is it?" The priest says, "Do you know a four letter word for 'woman' that ends in u-n-t?" The man feels uncomfortable. He thinks and finally says, "The only word I can think of is aunt." The priest turns to him and asks "Do you have an eraser?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

Janet, Susie and Rose haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar. Janet arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Susie arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Janet in a glass of wine. Then, Rose walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.

Janet explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix.

Susie relates that she graduated from the University of Miami and became a brain surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples , Florida.

Rose explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jack. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables. Jack can stand five parrots, side by side, on his penis.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Janet blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.

Susie, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.

Rose admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked.

He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments. He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask.....what did the chicken do?"

That's it for today my little tadpoles. Remember, being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck. If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !