You Want Me To WHAT? (For My Teacher Friends)

After being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said, "Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages and instill in them a love for learning?"

"You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride?"

"You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job? You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior and make sure that they all pass the final exams."

"You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter and report card?"

"You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps?"

"You want me to do all this and then you tell me.....I Can't Pray???!!!"

The chaos in Libya is hopefully ending. I think I speak for everyone when I say we’re hoping for an end to the bloodshed, a peaceful transition to democracy and.....cheaper gas. Gadhafi will go into exile somewhere where we can keep an eye on him. I’m thinking "Dancing With the Stars."

The News As I See It: There was a major earthquake on the East Coast yesterday. In New York, the found Mayor Bloomberg standing under his desk. They even felt the earthquake at Martha’s Vineyard. It was so bad, President Obama nearly missed a putt.

There’s a fatwa (Islam decree of death) on David Letterman. They say the guy that issued it is an Internet jihadist. Who says Obama isn’t creating jobs? The State Department is investigating, but everyone knows it's Jay Leno. CBS has been great. When they heard about it, they started holding auditions for his replacement.

When they killed bin Laden, he had been locked in a house with three wives for six years. Three wives for six years?! I'm thinking that when the SEALs broke in, he said, "Just shoot me."

Joe Lieberman has written a memoir in which he reveals why having sex with his wife on the Sabbath is so important to him. It’s in the chapter called "You Might Want to Skip This."

This Date In History: 79; Mount Vesuvius erupted and buried the towns of Pompeii and Herculaneum. 1572 70,000 French Protestants, or Huguenots, were killed in the St. Bartholomew's Day massacre. 1814; The British set fire to the White House and the Capitol when they invaded Washington, DC during the War of 1812.

1821; Mexico gained its independence from Spain with the Treaty of Cordoba. 1949; The North Atlantic Treaty went into effect. 1968; France became the world's fifth nuclear power as it exploded a hydrogen bomb in the South Pacific. 1989; Pete Rose was banned from baseball for gambling.

1991; Mikhail Gorbachev resigned as the general secretary of the Communist Party after a failed coup attempt against him. 1992; Hurricane Andrew hit Florida, causing record damage.

Picture Of The Day: A change of pace. Close-ups of serene and peaceful flowers for your dining and dancing pleasure.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad. 2) Politicians know that the best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth. 3) Scotsmen wear kilts because sheep can hear zippers. 4) Don't count your chickens and don't blame my cat. He has an airtight alibi. 5) The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Virgo - August 24th: It's hump day and it's ok to go to AREA 51 for happy hour. Just remember that drinking may cause you to believe you can sing karaoke. By the way, karaoke is Japanese for "tone deaf." Feed the pets early today and if you plan on mixing with the opposite sex, cheap cologne or perfume is a downer.

Birthdays: William Wilberforce, politician and humanitarian 1759, Theodore Parker, theologian and social reformer 1810, Felix Mottl, conductor 1856, Jorge Luis Borges, poet and critic 1899, Steve Guttenberg, actor, producer 1958, Cal Ripken Jr., baseball player 1960.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."

At a Louisiana conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, "Who here has ever seen a ghost?" Most of the hands go up. The speaker said, "And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?" About half the hands stay up. The speaker continued, "Okay, now how many of you have had physical contact with a ghost?" A few hands remain up.

The speaker asked, "Have any of you ever been....uh, intimate with a ghost?" Old Boudreaux's hand stays up. The speaker blinks and says, "Sir, are you telling us that you've actually had sexual contact with a ghost?" Boudreaux answers, "Oh, sorry..., I thought you said goat!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt for his contribution to day's stories.

A blonde, tired of all the blonde jokes, decided to get makeover. She cut and dyed her hair brunette and went driving down a country road, searching for someone who would appreciate her for her intelligence. When she came across a herd of sheep, she stopped and called the shepherd over.

She said, "That's a nice flock of sheep." The shepherd said, "Well thank you," She said, "Tell you what, I have a proposition for you. If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?" The shepherd said, "Sure."

So the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied, "382". The shepherd said, "Wow! That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. Then the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

A blonde pushes her new Mercedes Benz into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?" The clerk says, "What denomination?" The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

That's it for today my little puppy dogs. Remember, getting married for the second time is the triumph of hope over experience. I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !