What's In A Name?

Let's suppose that life is comparable to screen names. You have your given name and you've always answered to it. But now, you attempt to use your given name and you're told that it's been taken. You definitely don't want to socialize being called Jimmy33 or Gladys12, so you have to give up your first name and choose another. What name would you chose?

This is not an easy task and a lot of thought should be put into your decision. Take the case of a man named Harry Lipschitz who went before a judge to legally change his name. The judge said, "I can readily see the reasoning behind your desire to change your name, sir. What would you like to change it to?" Harry said, "Murray Lipschitz."

How about a nifty nickname? I don't mean the obvious uses like "Jimmy" in lieu of "James" or "Kate" in lieu of "Katherine", but a really cool nickname. You know, like "Bugsy" or "Scarface" or even more complex, like "Tony the tiger" or "Eric the Red".

I have always liked the name "Michael" for some reason and that is the name I would choose. I haven't rowed any boats ashore but if that job were available, I'd be one of the possible applicants. If I had a nickname, I like the name "Lefty". It wouldn't make much sense since I'm right-handed, but I've never heard of anyone nicknamed "Righty."

Life isn't always kind and some names don't seem to have been well thought out. The Harry Harrisons, Tommy Thompsons, Willie Williams and Johnnie Johnsons of the world are all well aware of that fact. Of course if your parents named you Lakeesha, Moneesha or Sasquatcha, chances are you would be one of the few fighting for the right to the name. Then again, if your name is Rumplestiltskin......

When gas prices rose to $4 a gallon during the Bush administration, the media was all over his ass. Gas prices are now over $4 a gallon in some states and expected to be higher that $4 a gallon on a national average within weeks. Let's see how the "unbiased" media treats Obama......

The News As I See It: Jeremy Lin led the Knicks to their seventh straight win last week. Soon he'll be getting all the benefits of being an NBA star, He’ll get a salary bump, an endorsement deal and a Kardashian.

Researchers say that technology could be available soon to allow people to live to be 150 years old. To which Larry King's wife said, "Oh, Hell No!"

Paul McCartney told Rolling Stone magazine that his pot-smoking days are over. How ironic. He's finally at the age where he can use medical marijuana, and now he quits.

This Date In History: 1792; President George Washington signed the Post Office Act, establishing a permanent Post Office Department. 1809; The Supreme Court ruled the power of the federal government is greater than that of any individual state.

1895; Frederick Douglass, abolitionist, author, and orator, died. 1962; John Glenn became the first American to orbit Earth. 1998; Tara Lipinski won the Olympic figure skating gold medal. 2003; A fire in a nightclub in Warwick, R.I., killed 100 and injured over 150.

Picture Of The Day: I'm unsure of the name of the photoshop artist who produced this picture, but I liked it very much. It's called "The Waterfalls of Spring."

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) In order for me to fly on any airplane, I must be fueled up with Johnny Walker Black at the same time as the airplane is fueled. 2) Hide and go pee is one of the favorite games at the AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill. 3) Tequila will never be my downfall as the worm does not justify the hangover. 4) At a bar one evening, I was asked by some young people about the origin of the phrase "four score and seven years ago". I told them it was a soccer term. 5) The latest poll taken by the office of the Governor of Texas asked whether people who live in Texas think illegal immigration is a serious problem: 30 percent of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem." 70 percent of respondents answered: "No es una problema serio".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - February 20th: Judging from the number of my pals celebrating their birthdays today, I suggest the rest of you should get to the liquor store as soon as you can. Chances of romance is 98.6 percent with temperatures (among other things) rising.

Birthdays: My pals Donna, Everett, Gary, JoAnn and Tom are all celebrating birthdays today. I'm guessing that it was a cold and rainy night about nine months prior to their births and a full moon, for sure! Happy Birthday all! 19XX, Honore Daumier, caricaturist, painter 1808, Louis Kahn, architect 1901, Ansel Adams, American Photographer 1902, Robert Altman, director 1925, Sidney Poitier, actor 1927, Bobby Unser, auto racer 1934, Buffy Sainte-Marie, singer, songwriter 1941, Phil Esposito, hockey player 1942.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns."The other man said, "Do you mean a rose?" The first man said, "Yes, that's the one." He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Pat in the U.K. for her contribution to today's stories.

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The barman walks up and asks what's in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart! The bartender says, "Where on earth did you get that?" The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says, "Here, rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him ans says, "I will grant you one wish. Just one wish ~ each person is only allowed one!"

The bartender gets really excited and without hesitation says, "I want a million bucks!" A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks, and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "You know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.' The man says, "Tell me about it! Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

Conjoined twins walk into a pub in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers and says. "Been on holiday yet, lads?'' John says, We're off to England next month. We go to England every year, hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?" Jim nods in agreement.

The bartender says, "Ah, England! Wonderful Country... the history, the beer, the culture....'' John says, "Nah, we don't like that British crap. Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh, Jim? And we can't stand the English. They're so arrogant and rude, not civil and polite like us Canadians.'' The bartender asks, "So why keep going to England?" John replies, "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive...."

That's it for today, my little ginger snaps. Remember, never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !