Why I Never Carry A Gun To Go Grocery Shopping

Grocery shopping is an experience in and of itself and the first cardinal sin of intelligent grocery shopping is forgetting to eat before you go. This error usually guarantees the purchase of cookies, dark chocolate, ice cream and other decadent non-essentials.

Then, there's always the woman who brings her entire litter, with each little imp either crying to ride in the baby seat or demanding at the top of his lungs that his mother purchase candy or cereal. Usually she doesn't have enough sense to smack the little bastard or has lost what little sanity she ever had.

The best best area of the grocery store is the deli and bakery area. If I were writing a book about grocery shopping, some of the steamiest chapters would take place there. If romance exists in a grocery store, it is the deli-bakery area that it is spawned. I like to refer to it as the provocatively dressed department.

The mouth watering aroma of the bakery wafts throughout the area and seems to stimulate the senses. I always make it my first stop because It seems to set the mood for the remainder of the trip. The obligatory "take-a-ticket" and wait scenario ofttimes turned me off in my younger days. As years passed and I was single again, I spent more leisure time shopping for groceries and even more time in the deli-bakery area. Lots of pretty ladies there.

When I finish my shopping, it's time to head toward the checkout area. For some reason, every time I decided to check out, the once uncrowded store now has a population the size of Rhode Island, all of whom having decided that they, too, will checkout at the precise time that I do.

The registers, all with long lines, normally have the obligatory lady pushing the cart that has been converted to look like a race car. She has 2.5 children, ages 14, 12 and 6 with her, two of whom are riding in the race cart. Inside the cart is approximately 250 pounds of assorted groceries.

I always attempt to decide in which crowded line I want to spend the rest of my life. Occasionally, a cashier will open a new register and the race begins. I move toward the new cashier, cutting off race cart lady and maintaining my rules of grocery shopping, to wit; women children and Jimmy first (and not necessarily in that order).

Getting into the shortest line is not always a benefit and I have chosen longer lines if the scenery benefits the wait. I never complain if there's a cute girl in shorts and a t-top unloading her cart in front of me.

You have to beware of "divider bar lady" who, upon seeing you begin unloading your cart, immediately grabs the divider and quickly places it at the end of her groceries. Her furtive and leering glances insure that you dare not encroach upon her area lest the two grocery piles intermingle and possibly spawn a third bastard grocery pile.

The worst shoppers always appear normal. Halfway through the checkout process, it will dawn on them that they forgot something and will be "right back." Naturally, when they finally return, their groceries have long since been checked out and everyone is waiting for her to come back.

I don't let this type of shopper bother me too much as I always grab a Motor Trend magazine, a Bassmasters fishing magazine, some C batteries and a couple of Herschey bars and add them to her order. "Right Back Lady" never notices because she's digging through her purse trying to find her checkbook. This process adds another five minutes to the wait.

Once I'm checked out, I always stop by the weight scales to see how much money I've lost and then proceed to the car. I've learned not to let grocery shopping bother me and I treat each trip as an experience, Some trips are good and some are bad, but it's the ones that get rained out that bother me......

I saw many fellow musicians and friends on my trek to AREA 51 at Mango Martini Restaurant and Lounge on Wednesday. Quite a few people still had ashes on their foreheads from services for Ash Wednesday with the exception of one blonde who had too many margaritas and passed out in an ashtray.

The News As I See It: A lunch menu from the Titanic is expected to sell for $150,000 at an auction next month. The menu starts out great, but once you get to the iceberg lettuce wedge, it’s a total disaster.

Oil prices have jumped to well over $100 a barrel, and analysts say it's due to tension in the Middle East. So, luckily, it's just a temporary thing.

Taco Bell is coming out with a taco that's wrapped in a Doritos shell. If for some reason that doesn't sound appealing to you, you're not stoned right now.

Dutch scientists say the world's first test-tube meat, a hamburger made from cow stem cells, will be available sometime this year. Test tube meat made from stem cells. I hope it tastes as good as it sounds.

The Oscars are this Sunday and 40 million people are expected to watch it on ABC. Side effects include nausea, headaches, and sexual dysfunction.

A new study found that 16 percent of Americans under the age of 24 don’t have a job. Yeah, that group's called Art History majors.

This Date In History: 1582; Pope Gregory XIII issued a papal bull introducing the Gregorian calendar reform. 1803; The Supreme Court ruled in Marbury v. Madison that any act of Congress which conflicts with the Constitution is null and void. 1821; Mexico declared its independence from Spain.

1868; Andrew Johnson, 17th president of the United States, became the first president to have impeachment proceedings brought against him by the House of Representatives. 1903; The lease for Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, was signed.

1920; Adolf Hitler outlined the basic points of the Nazi party at the Hofbrauhaus in Munich. 1968; The discovery of a pulsar was announced. 1980; The U.S. hockey team defeated Finland to win the gold medal at the Lake Placid Olympics.

Picture Of The Day: Grocery shopping has its occasional distractions. Sometimes, they're worth it.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Watching those commercials showing how detergents take out bloodstains leads me to believe that if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem. 2) I have realized that if it weren't for marriage, I would have gone through life thinking I had no faults at all. 3) I recently checked out some of my high school pals on Facebook and most of them are old people. 4) Sex at age 80 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. 5) A liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been robbed or mugged yet.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - February 24th: This day is tailor made for you. Go to a nice restaurant for lunch and buy a few lottery tickets. Oh, and buy gas... The prices will continue to rise. Chances for romance are 67.62 percent and even higher if you've got gas.... from the gas station.... You know what I mean!

Birthdays: My pal Dutch - Happy Birthday Baby! 19XX, Winslow Homer, American Painter 1836, Honus Wagner, baseball player 1874, Chester William Nimitz, admiral 1885, Joseph Lieberman, politician 1942, Steve Jobs, entrepreneur 1955, Paula Zahn, TV news reporter, anchor 1956, Billy Zane, actor 1966.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An older woman went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear-splitting yell." The therapist said, "That's perfectly natural, my dear. I don't see what the problem is?" The woman said, "The problem is that it wakes me up."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

While shopping for vacation clothes, a man and his wife passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since she had even considered buying a bathing suit, so she sought her husband's advice.

She asked, "What do you think? Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" Her husband replied, "Better get a bikini. You'd never get it all in one."

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. She said, "The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical, tell jokes, sing, and stay home at night!" An older woman overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"

King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was showing him his latest creation. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place, which made it basically useless. The King exclaimed, "This is no good, Merlin! Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect my lady, the Queen, when I'm on a long quest?" Merlin said, "Ah, sire, just observe."

He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. King Arthur said, "Merlin, you are a genius! Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected." After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon a lengthy Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way, everyone of them except, Sir Galahad.

King Arthur said, "Sir Galahad, you are my one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. Whatever it is in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours." But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless……..

That's it for today, my little chicklets. Remember, the best contraceptive for old people is nudity. I'm heading to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !