Happy Halloween

Ghosts, goblins and witches will be out tonight to celebrate Halloween and the good news is that I'm not dating any of them. It does remind me of some of the parties from Halloween past. I remember one party when someone spilled something and my mother-in-law asked me where the broom was. I said, "Why, are you leaving?"

I enjoy Halloween parties although I'm not overly moved to wear a costume. I have a lot of dark clothes and jackets and most of the time, I fashion a white collar out of cardboard and go as "Father Sullivan." I have "saved" quite a few ladies as a cleric.

The only other costume that was easy for me was during the "Urban Cowboy" days. Back in the day, all I had to do was wear a cowboy shirt and a stetson and I was ready to go.

The News As I See It: People in the east felt the devastating effects of Hurricane Sandy with 100-mile-an-hour winds and lot of folks without power. Because of the hurricane, both candidates have had to cancel speeches and campaign events. So at least some good has come out of it.

New Jersey governor Christie does a great job with the storm press conferences. It's hard to be boring in the middle of a disaster but somehow Mayor Bloomberg manages to do it. Although the sign language woman doesn't speak a word, she has a lot more personality than Mayor Bloomberg does.

I watched a lot of storm coverage over the last couple of days. I spent 36 hours watching weather reporters standing in water while telling us not to stand in water.

Republicans are accusing the White House of successfully engineering a massive cover-up of the Libyan attack. But, on the plus side, it's the first time in four years Republicans have given credit to Obama for doing anything successfully. "Don't ask, don't tell" is back. Not for gays in the military — it's Obama's new policy for questions about Libya.

The Giants swept the Tigers four straight to win the World Series. The last time a Tiger took a beating this bad, he had a nine-iron through the back window of his Escalade. I don't want to say that was a tough World Series, but Detroit has asked for another bailout.

Doctors say it's the best time to get the flu shot. This year there is the seal flu. It comes from seals to humans. If you're inflected with the seal flu, you get the chills and an uncontrollable desire to balance balls on your nose.

This Date In History: 1517; Martin Luther posted the 95 Theses on the door of the Wittenberg Palace church, marking the start of the Protestant Reformation in Germany. 1846; A heavy snowfall trapped the Donner Party in the Sierra Nevada mountains.

1864; Nevada became the 36th state. 1941; Work on the Mount Rushmore monument was completed. 1956; Rear Admiral G. J. Dufek became the first person to land an airplane at the South Pole.

1984; Indian prime minister Indira Gandhi was assassinated. 1992; Pope John Paul II admitted that the Roman Catholic Church had erred in convicting Galileo of heresy 350 years earlier.

Picture Of The Day: I've seen a lot of horror movies in my time and if there is one thing I have learned, it's that you don't go near any house that remotely looks like this one. 

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A friend of mind who was temporarily incapacitated once said to me, "I need you to be my eyes and ears." I told him, "Ok, if you can be my liver and prostate." 2) Tequila will never be my downfall as the worm does not justify the hangover. 3) Hide and go pee is one of the favorite games at my Uncle's retirement home. 4) Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains? 5) My cooking is so awesome, even the smoke alarm cheers me on.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - October 31st: Remember to chew before you swallow, you know how excited you get sometimes. You may hear good news today from an older person who may or may not be intoxicated. Thinking and doing are two separate things. However, thinking about what you're doing is always a good idea. Try to remember this today when you're trying to tie your shoelaces while staring at the person across the bar from you.

Birthdays: Jan Vermeer, painter 1632, John Keats, poet 1795, Juliette Gordon Low, founder of the Girl Scouts of America 1860, Chiang Kai-shek, Chinese Nationalist leader 1887, Dale Evans, actress and singer 1912, Barbara Bel Geddes, actress 1922, Michael Collins, astronaut 1930, Dan Rather, television journalist, writer 1931, Michael Landon, actor 1936, John Candy, actor 1950, Jane Pauley, TV journalist 1950, Peter Jackson, director 1961.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time decided to dress up and go out. The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon between her legs. When she came out, the old man cried, "You can't go out like that!"

She said, "I can go anyway I like and so can you." Whereupon he retired to the bedroom and came out stark raving naked with a potato tied to his tallywhacker. The old woman says, you're going out like that?" The old man replies, "Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a dick-tator."

A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. He says, "Father O’Malley, my name is Emil Cohen. I’m seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I’m currently involved with a 28 year old girl and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure and in my entire life I’ve never felt better.

Father O'Malley says, My good man, I think you’ve come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?" The Jewish guy says, "Hey, at my age, I’m telling everybody!”

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Richard and Wally for their contributions to today's stories.

A drunk left the bar and staggered off in to the night on his way home. As he was passing a pumpkin patch he thought, "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and since there's no one around......."

He picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his need. In the process, he failed to notice a police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until a female officer approached him and said, "Sir, do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?"

The drunk froze and was clearly very surprised that she was there. Then looked her straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?"

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears:  Bump... Bump... Bump... Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. Bump... Bump... Bump...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him. Faster... Faster!... Bump... Bump... Bump...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket.... Clapping-Bump... Clappity-Bump... Clappity-Bump...

On his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding, his head is reeling, his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud crash the casket breaks down the door, bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket......and (wait for it)....the coffin stops.

That's it for today, my little hobgoblins. Remember, don't make old people mad. They don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss them off.  AREA 51 is kinda iffy tonight with Halloween and all. Who knows? That's it for now. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !