Trick Or Treat ?

I'm ready for Halloween. Today, I tested the electric fence and it's working fine. Should any of the little tykes swim the moat and escape the alligators, the prize is Snicker bars. Most of them forego the prize in lieu of safe passage back across the moat in my rowboat.

There'll be a lot of Halloween parties tomorrow. At one of my past Halloween parties, someone spilled something on the floor. My mother-in-law came into the kitchen and asked, "Where's the broom?" I said, "Why? Are you leaving?" She didn't get it but my ex-wife did, which is probably one of the many reasons I am divorced.

I like Halloween parties but I'm not one for costumes. My way of avoiding peer pressure to dress up is to merely wear black pants and a black shirt. The Pièce de résistance is a simple white piece of cardboard which I tuck underneath my collar and voila.....Father Jimmy. You'd be surprised at the number of young attractive women who need a good blessing......

A Weekend At Bernie's

The News As I See It: Obama gave a speech in Chicago and told police they have "work to do to restore trust" in the minority ghetto communities. It was going pretty well, but halfway through the speech, Obama got pulled over.

Walmart just announced that they are testing drones to deliver merchandise directly to your house. So finally you can buy Pampers, a case of Slim Jims and a shotgun all without leaving the comfort of your mobile home.

This Date In History: 1534; The English parliament passed the Act of Supremacy, making King Henry VIII head of the English church. 1938; Radio broadcast of The War of the Worlds, starring Orson Welles, caused nationwide panic among listeners.

1944; Martha Graham's ballet Appalachian Spring, with music by Aaron Copland, premiered. 1953; Gen. George C. Marshall won the Nobel Peace Prize for originating the Marshall Plan.

1974; Muhammad Ali knocked out George Foreman in the eighth round of a 15-round bout in Kinshasa, Zaire ("rumble in the jungle") to regain his world heavyweight title.

Picture Of The Day: Trick or trick?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Halloween is tomorrow and that means the cobwebs in my house have just become decorations. 2) Rapture is what you get when you lift something too heavy. 3) I've finally reached the age where I can't function without my glasses.....especially if they're empty. 4) As it turns out, pounding a wooden stake through a vampire's heart works even if the guy's not a vampire. 5) Love comes in all shapes and sizes. By the time love came to me, all the good shapes and sizes were taken......and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - October 30th: Looking into your future, it appears that a new love will present itself this week. Don't get overly excited, they come with baggage just like the rest of us.

Birthdays: John Adams, 2nd President of the United States 1735, Alfred Sisley, landscape painter 1839, Ezra Pound, American poet, critic and translator 1885, Ruth Gordon, actress and playwright 1896, Fred W. Friendly, broadcaster and author 1915, Louis Malle, director 1932, Diego Maradona, soccer player 1960.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Adelaide, they have weekly husband's marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, '"Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"

The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?" Giuseppe proudly replied, "I gonna go pick her up."

Some women were gathered and the subject of the conversation turned to sex and then birth control. The first woman says, "We're Catholic, so we can't use it." The next woman says, "I am too, but we use the rhythm method."

The third woman says, "We use the bucket and saucer method." The others asked, "What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?"

The woman replied, "Well, I'm five foot eleven and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket and when his eyes get big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him."
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears: Bump... Bump... Bump... Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. Bump... Bump... Bump...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him. Faster... Faster!... Bump... Bump... Bump...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket.... Clapping-Bump... Clappity-Bump... Clappity-Bump...

On his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding, his head is reeling, his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud crash the casket breaks down the door, bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket......and (wait for it)....the coffin stops.

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks, "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" He replied, "Definitely not!" His wife asked, "Why not? Don't you like being married?" He answered, "Of course I do."

The wife said, "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" The husband said, "Okay, okay, I'd get married again." With a hurt look, she said, "You would?" His wife inquired, "Would you live in our house?" He answered, "Sure, it's a great house." She asked, "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" The husband replied, "Where else would we sleep?" She continued, "Would you let her drive my car?" He said, "Probably, it is almost new."

The wife asked, "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" He said, "That would seem like the proper thing to do." She asked, "Would you give her my jewelry?" He answered, "No, I'm sure she'd want her own." His wife asked, "Would she use my golf clubs?" Her husband replied, "No, she's left-handed."

That's it for today, my little hobgoblins. Remember, when the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

Have a great spooky weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Kids Can't Be Cowboys Or Indians On Halloween?

In Colorado and some other states, schools have sent notices to students that Halloween outfits should not be cowboys, Indians, or genies. This from a state that just legalized the recreational use of marijuana. Yep, don't go as Roy Rogers, go as Barry Soetero, the pot smoking hippy that backed into the presidency.

Instead of going as Pocahontas, go as Jane Fonda, another airhead who went to Hanoi to rail about our Vietnam soldiers and America's role in the war from her warped perspective.

University of Colorado Boulder tells students to avoid costumes including cowboys, Indians, "white trash" or anything potentially deemed offensive. University students in America have been told not to wear "offensive" Halloween costumes including cowboys, Indians and anything involving a sombrero. Sombreros? Sexy! White Trash? Define that Boulder libtard idiots.

Students have also been told to avoid costumes and anything that portrays a particular culture as "over-sexualized" - which the university says includes dressing up as a geisha or a "squaw" (indigenous woman). They are also asked not to host parties with offensive themes including those with "ghetto" or "hillbilly" themes or those associated with "crime or sex work." Does that mean Obama, Clinton and Jimmy Carter are out?

Students at the University of Minnesota-Twin Cities have also been asked to make sure their Halloween costumes are politically correct. In a letter, officials said: "please keep in mind that certain Halloween costumes inappropriately perpetuate racial, cultural, and gender stereotypes."

Yeah, go as respectable citizens like Clinton and Lewinsky, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Ted Cruz, et al.
 

The News As I See It: Obama has been saying for years that no one would lose their healthcare plan. Now the White House has admitted that in fact many people will lose their plans. But there is a way to keep the great coverage you have. Just become a member of Congress. Then the taxpayers pay for the whole thing.

Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius was grilled by Congress today, hemming and hawing her way for three hours without really saying anything. Don't worry, Obamacare will cover all her injuries after the White House throws her under the bus.

A new report says more than 700 fake Obamacare websites have been created. Security experts say it's simple to identify the phony sites because they are easy to log on to.

The White House said that one of the reasons the Obamacare website has had so many problems is because it's so popular that it was overwhelmed. Really? How come Psy's "Gangnam Style" video never had any problems? He got 2.5 billion hits!

The Obamacare website is not the only one crashing. The NSA website went offline Friday after suspected hackers broke into it. Hey, NSA, It’s not so much fun when people are sneaking into your computer, is it?

This Date In History: 1534; The English parliament passed the Act of Supremacy, making King Henry VIII head of the English church. 1938; Radio broadcast of The War of the Worlds, starring Orson Welles, caused nationwide panic among listeners.

1944; Martha Graham's ballet Appalachian Spring, with music by Aaron Copland, premiered. 1953; Gen. George C. Marshall won the Nobel Peace Prize for originating the Marshall Plan.

1974; Muhammad Ali knocked out George Foreman in the eighth round of a 15-round bout in Kinshasa, Zaire ("Rumble in the jungle") to regain his world heavyweight title.

Picture Of The Day: Always remember to remind your mother-in-law not to text and fly.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If someone says they don't speak English, tell them their shoes are untied and see if they look down. 2) I told my friends, "I'm frying some fish for supper, so y'all come over and eat." What I meant was, "You're also gonna be helping me move my piano."  3) I'm worried my dog will never find out who's a good boy. 4) The teacher asked the kids to pick out a "famous past explorer" for a class assignment. Three of the kids picked Internet Explorer 6. 5) Dogs lick each other's asses to tell each other they like them - just like politicians.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - October 30th: Remember that water dissolves alien beasts and some witches. This information may or may not affect your balance when handing a glass of water to your mother-in-law.

Birthdays: John Adams U.S. president 1735, Alfred Sisley landscape painter 1839, Ezra Pound, American poet, critic and translator 1885, Ruth Gordon actress and playwright 1896, Fred W. Friendly broadcaster and author 1915, Louis Malle director 1932, Diego Maradona soccer player 1960.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An older man went to a job interview. The Human Resources manager asked him, "What is your greatest weakness?" The man replied, "Honesty."

The Human Resources manager said, "I don't think honesty is a weakness." The older man said, "I don't really give a shit what you think."

An old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time decided to dress up and go out. The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon between her legs. When she came out, the old man cried, "You can't go out like that!" She said, "I can go anyway I like and so can you."

Whereupon he retired to the bedroom and came out stark raving naked with a potato tied to his tallywhacker. The old woman says, you're going out like that?" The old man replies, "Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a dick-tator."
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt for his contributions to today's stories.

A woman had bags under her eyes and wanted to get them removed. She went to a plastic surgeon and asks the doctor,  "I can't get rid of these bags, can you help me?"

The doctor told he is willing to try a new experimental technique on her. He will put a crank in the back of her head and when she sees bags under her eyes, she is to use the crank and the bags will go away.

She gets the crank put in her head and leaves. It works for a while until one day, she can't get rid of the bags under her eyes. She cranks and cranks as hard as she can, but they just wont go away. So she goes to the doctor.

She says to the doctor, "This was working for a while, but I can't seem to get rid of these bags under my eyes." The doctor replies, "Those aren't bags....those are your boobs." The woman replied, "I guess that explains this goatee."

A drunk left the bar and staggered off in to the night on his way home. As he was passing a pumpkin patch he thought, "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and since there's no one around......." He picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his need.

In the process, he failed to notice a police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until a female officer approached him and said, "Sir, do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?"

The drunk froze and was clearly very surprised that she was there. Then looked her straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?"

That's it for today, my little goblins. Remember, Halloween is tomorow. I love Halloween. You open the door and there are strangers in masks. Good idea. It's the only time of the year that I prefer opening the door to Jehovah's Witnesses. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Happy Halloween

Ghosts, goblins and witches will be out tonight to celebrate Halloween and the good news is that I'm not dating any of them. It does remind me of some of the parties from Halloween past. I remember one party when someone spilled something and my mother-in-law asked me where the broom was. I said, "Why, are you leaving?"

I enjoy Halloween parties although I'm not overly moved to wear a costume. I have a lot of dark clothes and jackets and most of the time, I fashion a white collar out of cardboard and go as "Father Sullivan." I have "saved" quite a few ladies as a cleric.

The only other costume that was easy for me was during the "Urban Cowboy" days. Back in the day, all I had to do was wear a cowboy shirt and a stetson and I was ready to go.

The News As I See It: People in the east felt the devastating effects of Hurricane Sandy with 100-mile-an-hour winds and lot of folks without power. Because of the hurricane, both candidates have had to cancel speeches and campaign events. So at least some good has come out of it.

New Jersey governor Christie does a great job with the storm press conferences. It's hard to be boring in the middle of a disaster but somehow Mayor Bloomberg manages to do it. Although the sign language woman doesn't speak a word, she has a lot more personality than Mayor Bloomberg does.

I watched a lot of storm coverage over the last couple of days. I spent 36 hours watching weather reporters standing in water while telling us not to stand in water.

Republicans are accusing the White House of successfully engineering a massive cover-up of the Libyan attack. But, on the plus side, it's the first time in four years Republicans have given credit to Obama for doing anything successfully. "Don't ask, don't tell" is back. Not for gays in the military — it's Obama's new policy for questions about Libya.

The Giants swept the Tigers four straight to win the World Series. The last time a Tiger took a beating this bad, he had a nine-iron through the back window of his Escalade. I don't want to say that was a tough World Series, but Detroit has asked for another bailout.

Doctors say it's the best time to get the flu shot. This year there is the seal flu. It comes from seals to humans. If you're inflected with the seal flu, you get the chills and an uncontrollable desire to balance balls on your nose.

This Date In History: 1517; Martin Luther posted the 95 Theses on the door of the Wittenberg Palace church, marking the start of the Protestant Reformation in Germany. 1846; A heavy snowfall trapped the Donner Party in the Sierra Nevada mountains.

1864; Nevada became the 36th state. 1941; Work on the Mount Rushmore monument was completed. 1956; Rear Admiral G. J. Dufek became the first person to land an airplane at the South Pole.

1984; Indian prime minister Indira Gandhi was assassinated. 1992; Pope John Paul II admitted that the Roman Catholic Church had erred in convicting Galileo of heresy 350 years earlier.

Picture Of The Day: I've seen a lot of horror movies in my time and if there is one thing I have learned, it's that you don't go near any house that remotely looks like this one. 

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A friend of mind who was temporarily incapacitated once said to me, "I need you to be my eyes and ears." I told him, "Ok, if you can be my liver and prostate." 2) Tequila will never be my downfall as the worm does not justify the hangover. 3) Hide and go pee is one of the favorite games at my Uncle's retirement home. 4) Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains? 5) My cooking is so awesome, even the smoke alarm cheers me on.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - October 31st: Remember to chew before you swallow, you know how excited you get sometimes. You may hear good news today from an older person who may or may not be intoxicated. Thinking and doing are two separate things. However, thinking about what you're doing is always a good idea. Try to remember this today when you're trying to tie your shoelaces while staring at the person across the bar from you.

Birthdays: Jan Vermeer, painter 1632, John Keats, poet 1795, Juliette Gordon Low, founder of the Girl Scouts of America 1860, Chiang Kai-shek, Chinese Nationalist leader 1887, Dale Evans, actress and singer 1912, Barbara Bel Geddes, actress 1922, Michael Collins, astronaut 1930, Dan Rather, television journalist, writer 1931, Michael Landon, actor 1936, John Candy, actor 1950, Jane Pauley, TV journalist 1950, Peter Jackson, director 1961.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time decided to dress up and go out. The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon between her legs. When she came out, the old man cried, "You can't go out like that!"

She said, "I can go anyway I like and so can you." Whereupon he retired to the bedroom and came out stark raving naked with a potato tied to his tallywhacker. The old woman says, you're going out like that?" The old man replies, "Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a dick-tator."

A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. He says, "Father O’Malley, my name is Emil Cohen. I’m seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I’m currently involved with a 28 year old girl and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure and in my entire life I’ve never felt better.

Father O'Malley says, My good man, I think you’ve come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?" The Jewish guy says, "Hey, at my age, I’m telling everybody!”

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Richard and Wally for their contributions to today's stories.

A drunk left the bar and staggered off in to the night on his way home. As he was passing a pumpkin patch he thought, "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and since there's no one around......."

He picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his need. In the process, he failed to notice a police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until a female officer approached him and said, "Sir, do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?"

The drunk froze and was clearly very surprised that she was there. Then looked her straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?"

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears:  Bump... Bump... Bump... Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. Bump... Bump... Bump...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him. Faster... Faster!... Bump... Bump... Bump...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket.... Clapping-Bump... Clappity-Bump... Clappity-Bump...

On his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding, his head is reeling, his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud crash the casket breaks down the door, bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket......and (wait for it)....the coffin stops.

That's it for today, my little hobgoblins. Remember, don't make old people mad. They don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss them off.  AREA 51 is kinda iffy tonight with Halloween and all. Who knows? That's it for now. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Happy Halloween !

I'm just about ready for Halloween. Today, I tested the electric fence. It's working. I did buy myself some Ghiradelli 60% cacao chocolates and I also bought some candy corn should any of the little tykes swim the moat and avoid the alligators.

To save the economy on November 10, 2011, Obama will announce that he is ordering the immigration department to start deporting old people (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs. Old people are easier to catch, and will not remember how to get back home. I started crying when I thought of my readers.....see you on the bus.

The News As I See It: Comedian Jerry Lewis recently said that he had an affair with Marilyn Monroe. Yeah, Jerry, me too....

Herman Cain told a group of Occupy Wall Street protesters to go home, get a job and get a life. That's the Republican version of hope and change.

Road kill is now legal to eat in Illinois. It's part of the federal government's "Meals Under Wheels" program.

The estate of Jack Kevorkian says they plan to auction off 17 paintings by the famous suicide doctor. Ironically, they say the characters in the painting really seem to come to life.

In California, it took rescue workers 90 minutes to free a man from the inside of a hollow tree. Thus proving that the obesity epidemic has even reached the Keebler elf community.

The United States government says it's okay for British Petroleum to resume offshore drilling. Yeah! What could possibly go wrong?

Obama had dinner with a U.S. postal worker who won a contest to meet him. The mailman was like, "Wow, someone who takes longer to deliver than I do!"

This Date In History: 1517; Martin Luther posted the 95 Theses on the door of the Wittenberg Palace church, marking the start of the Protestant Reformation in Germany. 1846; A heavy snowfall trapped the Donner Party in the Sierra Nevada mountains. 1864; Nevada became the 36th state.

1941; Work on the Mount Rushmore monument was completed. 1956; Rear Admiral G. J. Dufek became the first person to land an airplane at the South Pole. 1984; Indian prime minister Indira Gandhi was assassinated. 1992; Pope John Paul II admitted that the Roman Catholic Church had erred in convicting Galileo of heresy 350 years earlier.

Picture Of The Day: Some of my favorites, especially Pelosi.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I found out my girlfriend was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam and we're stoning her in the morning! 2) Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have. 3) My friend's wife suggested that he get himself one of those penis enlargers, so he did. She's 21 and her name's Lucy.

4) There used to be a house on our block that we thought was haunted, because you'd hear people screaming inside and because people who went in never came out. Later on we found out it was just a murderer's house. 5) My fiend was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand job. I told him, "Bro, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether!".....and that's five.....!

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Scorpio - October 31st: Tonight's Trick or Treat so remember to cut off all your lights and watch tv in the bedroom. If that doesn't work, you might try heading over to AREA 51 until the little tykes are overcome by a sugar rush. On the bright side, you might try dressing up and walk on your knees. You may score a few Snickers bars.

Birthdays: My pals Cary and Randy - Happy Birthday 19XX, Jan Vermeer, painter 1632, John Keats, poet 1795, Juliette Gordon Low, founder of the Girl Scouts of America 1860, Chiang Kai-shek, Chinese Nationalist leader 1887, Dale Evans, actress and singer 1912, Barbara Bel Geddes, actress 1922, Michael Collins, astronaut 1930, Dan Rather, television journalist, writer 1931, Michael Landon, actor 1936, John Candy, actor 1950, Jane Pauley, TV journalist 1950, Peter Jackson, director 1961.
..
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time decided to dress up and go out. The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon between her legs. When she came out, the old man cried, "You can't go out like that!" She said, "I can go anyway I like and so can you."

Whereupon he retired to the bedroom and came out stark raving naked with a potato tied to his tallywhacker. The old woman says, you're going out like that?" The old man replies, "Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a dick-tator."

A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days so the husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear. When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume.

The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear."The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement.

The husband comes home from work goes to the bedroom and there, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume. He again yells at his poor wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!"

The next morning his irate wife goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items: one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt, and the third item is a 2x4.
The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?" The wife yells back, "Take your clothes off. You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If you don't like that idea, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo. And if you don't like that idea, you can shove the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudgesicle!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Victor and Wally for their contributions to today's stories.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. When she tried to take the step, she discovered that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

A drunk left the bar and staggered off in to the night on his way home. As he was passing a pumpkin patch he thought, "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and since there's no one around....... He picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need.

In the process, he failed to notice a police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until a female officer approached him and said, "Sir, do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?" The drunk froze and was clearly very surprised that she was there. Then looked her straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?"

Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, "Were did you get that?" The parrot says, "Chicago, they're all over the place."

That's it for today my little gremlins. Remember, you can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. Have a Happy Halloween and more on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

T R I C K O R T R E A T ?

It's Halloween weekend and there are parties everywhere. At one of my past Halloween parties, someone spilled something on the floor. My mother-in-law came into the kitchen and asked, "Where's the broom?" I said, "Why? Are you leaving?" She didn't get it but my ex-wife did, which is probably one of the many reasons I am divorced.

I like Halloween parties but I'm not one for costumes. My way of avoiding peer pressure to dress up, which has been very successful, is to merely wear black pants and a black shirt. The Pièce de résistance is a simple white piece of cardboard which I tuck underneath my collar and voila.....Father Jimmy. You'd be surprised at the number of young attractive women who need a good blessing......

As for the "kiddies", I always buy a bunch of candy, though no kids ever come to my house mainly because of the moat. Some of the fourteen and fifteen year old kids bravely try to swim the moat but most fail to make the crossing because of the alligators. For those who do make it, I always have a couple of Snicker bars as a prize for making it but most of them forego the prize in lieu of safe passage in my rowboat back across the moat. Yeah, I just love the spirit of Halloween.....

The News As I See It: This Halloween, one of the most popular costumes is the Snooki costume. It's easy to make. You just dress up as an orange pumpkin and pass out in a men's room.

Obama just announced a new student loan plan that will forgive debt after 20 years. He said that forgiving debt is the most honorable thing someone can do. And then he repeated that in Chinese.

A Delta passenger recently proposed to his girlfriend on the plane, after they met on a Delta flight back in 2010. Of course, since it’s Delta, they’ve actually just been stuck on that plane since 2010.

Obama was on the Tonight show Wednesday night. I think he enjoys visiting NBC because they're the only place that has lower numbers than he does.

According to polls, Rick Perry has now fallen to fifth place. You know who is in fourth place? Carrot Top.

A man from India has become the first 100-year-old person to run a full marathon. He’s 100 years old, but to be fair, he was 94 when he started the race.

A company in Illinois is selling a collectible doll of Obama. The doll can even say a few words, as long as it has a teleprompter.

This Date In History: 1793; Eli Whitney applied for a patent for the cotton gin. 1886; The Statue of Liberty was dedicated in New York Harbor by President Grover Cleveland. 1919; Congress passed the Volstead Act, or the National Prohibition Act, over President Woodrow Wilson's veto.

1922; Benito Mussolini took control of the government of Italy. 1940; Italy invaded Greece during World War II. 1958; A new pope was elected - Pope John XXIII. 1962; Nikita Khrushchev told the U.S. that he had ordered the dismantling of Soviet missile bases in Cuba.

Picture Of The Day: Halloween pics and a couple of movies altered a bit for Halloween.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I get scared when I start making the same noises as my coffeemaker. 2) Any man can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as he buys her a few drinks first. 3) Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween. 4) You know that your grandparents are still having sex when grandma regularly looks at grandpa's crotch and claps twice. 5) Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Scorpio - October 28th: Since Monday is Halloween, I suggest you buy your candy today! By the way, just a warning that if you open your door on Halloween night and find a small bag on fire, do not stomp it out. Trust me on this one and put it out with water. As for today, eat light and remember the best Halloween parties are tonight.

Birthdays: My pal Lourdes - Happy Birthday Baby! 19XX, Eliphalet Remington, gun manufacturer 1793, Auguste Escoffier, authority on cooking 1846, Gilbert H. Grosvenor, editor 1875, Edith Head, fashion designer 1897, Evelyn Waugh, novelist 1903, Jonas Salk, American physician and microbiologist 1914, Dennis Franz, actor 1944, Bill Gates, computer industry pioneer 1955, Julia Roberts. actress 1967, Brad Paisley, singer, songwriter 1972, Joaquin Phoenix, actor 1974.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two old ladies were chatting one day. They were talking about this and that and the subject finally got around to sex. The first old lady said she enjoyed sex all the time and just as much as ever. The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was.

The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom he gets turned on and has his way with her.

The second old lady decides to try this approach so that night when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. Her husband comes into the bedroom takes one look and says, "For God's sake Maude, comb your hair and put your teeth in."

An older woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans. Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked her husband, "Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of the house?" Her husband replied,"No, dear, not at all. Our house isn't blue."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives to be civilized and kind to each other when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The Priest is pleased with the response.

They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike." The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both. The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way? The chief replied, "My bike."

In the early 20th century, Thomas Edison was spreading the word about electricity. Once, while vacationing out West, he stopped at the Sioux reservation. Edison was shocked to learn that there was no indoor plumbing, and that he would have to use an outhouse. In fact, he was told, the Sioux had to use the outhouse regardless of the weather. To help the Sioux, Edison installed lights in the outhouse. With this kind act, he became the first person to wire a head for a reservation!

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes, the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final yahoo and rode off.

The service station attendant asked, "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" The woman said, "Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." The attendant said, "Ah, that explains it, ma'am........Indians ride bareback."

That's it for today my little papooses. Remember, drive safely this weekend. The life you save may be mine! It's Friday and AREA 51 is calling me to happy hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !