Psych !

Stupid Mayans ~ I spent today paying bills and shopping online for Christmas presents. Okay, so I didn't really believe the world was coming to an end but it sounds better than saying I'm a procrastinator (a cross between a democrat and an alligator, with republican tendencies). I should have known it was a ruse because, like everybody else, the Mayans blamed Bush. 

Nevertheless, the end of the world group now has to find a new date to belabor and bother us with. Rest assured, some moron will come up with a new date that will spawn jokes by the intellects and scare children and old people. Oh wait! There is one which I overlooked and it, too, was created by idiots.

It's referred to as the fiscal cliff and it may or may not come to pass. What would we really nice to observe would be Obama and Congress actually go over a physical cliff. Then, we'll bury their sorry asses and we'll worry about the fiscal cliff next year.

The News As I See It: Christmas is less than a week away. I do most of my shopping online, but I hire someone to honk and scream obscenities at me while I'm doing it. That way, I get the whole holiday shopping experience.

Most Americans think Santa Claus is a Democrat because he gives handouts. This is really odd because when I think of a fat, old white man who hires unskilled labor, I think Republican.

Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper recently signed an amendment that officially legalized marijuana in the state. It took the stoners a few moments to thank Governor Hickenlooper as most couldn't say the word 'Hickenlooper' without laughing.

It looks like Obama is going to pick John Kerry to be our next secretary of state. This is a very strategic move when it comes to foreign policy. I guess Obama plans to use Kerry to bore our enemies to death.

This Date In History: 1620; The Pilgrims landed at Plymouth, Massachusetts. 1891; The first basketball game, invented at Springfield College in Massachusetts by James E. Naismith, was played.

1898; Pierre and Marie Curie discovered radium. 1913; The first crossword puzzle was printed in the New York World. 1937; Disney's Snow White, the first feature length color and sound cartoon, premiered.

1970; Elvis Presley met with president Richard Nixon in the White House. 1988; A terrorist bomb exploded aboard a Pan Am Boeing 747 over Lockerbie, Scotland, killing 270 people.

1991; Eleven of the former Soviet republics form the Commonwealth of Independent States. 1995; Palestinians took over the control of the city of Bethlehem.

Picture Of The Day: Val di Funes - Dolomites, Italy ~ My house is the third one on the left, next to the 7-11.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I was in Palm Beach last week and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read, "I miss Chicago." So I broke a window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires, keyed the doors and left a note that read, "I hope this helps!" 2) Stupid auto-correct. I always end up posting some thong I didn't Nintendo. 3) I remember my first day of school. My parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was...surrounded by trees and bushes. 4) Barry Obama and Michelle say they will not be exchanging gifts this Christmas. Michele says they used to, but she got tired of Barry promising big things and not delivering. 5) I don't use the Mayan calendar. I use the Garfield desk calendar. According to it, every Monday is the end of the world.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 21st: There is no need to be afraid, today. Tomorrow is the time for all your fears to be played out in one condensed package as you will be scurrying from store to store searching for gifts that you put off buying because of the Mayan calendar thing.

Birthdays: Henrietta Szold, Zionist leader 1860, Joseph Stalin, Soviet Communist Leader 1879,  Michael Tilson Thomas conductor, composer, and pianist 1944.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store." He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. They are low on finances, but they want to buy a dining room table. The brunette takes her last $300 dollars and heads out west to another ranch where a man has a table and chairs for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the table, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the table and chairs and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $299, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a table and chairs for our ranch. I need her to bring our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, "It’s just 99 cents a word."

After paying for the table, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word, ‘comfortable.’"

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to bring your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that table back to your ranch if you send her the word, ‘comfortable’?" The brunette explains, "My sister’s blonde. She’ll read it very slow."

This is about the best I could do living in Miami

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Luly for her contribution to today's stories.

When four of Santa's elves got sick and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Washington, D.C. this Christmas season. This decision is not based on religious reasons - they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

That's it for today, my little rain dears. Remember, God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question. I'm going to AREA 51 for some Christmas partying.

That's it for now. More on Monday.

Stay Tuned !