I Don"t Always CH CH CH AW AW AW

I'm not superstitious, but today is Friday the 13th. Don't press your luck if you go out tonight. I wouldn't trust your date if they're late because they were sharpening their machete. This is not a night to be naked. I feel secure at home, sitting safely in my bathroom, covered in peanut butter. This wards off evil spirits.

While the fear of Friday the 13th is often referred as Triskaidekaphobia (which is fear of the number 13), the correct word is Paraskevidekatriaphobia (Fear of Friday the 13th). I occasionally have Stultophobia, which is fear of stupid people who invent phobias. Stultophobia is also known as Dumbassophobia.

There are things you can do to avoid bad luck. For example, if a woman has excessive belly fat and a muffin-top, it can be fatal.....especially if you mention it to her. On Friday the 13th in 1966, a white Detroit sociologist, who had just demonstrated his lack of fear by walking under 13 ladders and throwing a black cat through a mirror, was run over by a black rapper.

I'm not saying to stay at home and curl up under the bed, but I'm also not advocating that you walk in front of a Mack truck to test the theory either. To me, it's the little things to keep an eye on this evening.

For example, I wouldn't recommend arguing with a woman wearing a black hat tonight. It also occurs to me to avoid hanging out with any of my friends who might be named Jason. No, for the most part, I'm not superstitious but I don't push my luck, either. But, that's just me.....

The News As I See It: Rumors are circulating that Hillary Clinton could run for mayor of New York City later this year. While Bill could run to be the next "Naked Cowboy" in Times Square.

On Twitter, porn actress Jenna Jameson bashed Meryl Streep for her Golden Globe speech. Wow, it’s going to be awkward the next time Jameson and Streep do a movie together.

Music streaming app Spotify offered Obama a job as "President of Playlists." Funny, most ex-presidents get offered jobs as corporate lobbyists and they ask the black guy if he wants to be a DJ.

This Date In History: 1898; French writer Emile Zola published his "J'Accuse" letter, accusing the French of a cover-up in the Alfred Dreyfus treason case. 1941; Novelist James Joyce died in Zurich. 1990 Douglas Wilder of Virginia became the first elected African-American governor in the United States.

1999; Michael Jordan announced his second retirement from the NBA. He would "unretire" again in 2001. 2002; After 17,162 performances, The Fantasticks ended its almost 42-year off-Broadway run.

Picture Of The Day: My black cats, Samantha and Scooter, are glaring at me for posting this picture. Actually, Scooter is black and white. He's the mulatto in the family.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The argument between sex versus heart attack can be solved by dating a nurse.  2) Jesus said to Peter, "Come forth and I will give you eternal glory." Peter came fifth and won a toaster. 3) Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn't spent a lot of time around millennials. 4) I think there should be a mandatory test at age 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.  5) I got a postcard from a blonde girlfriend of mine. It said, "I'm having a great time. Where am I?".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - January 13th: Your task today is to keep these words in mind: Give a liberal a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a liberal to fish, he'll add to the global over-depletion of the oceans, then complain about global warming while he cashes his government check at the liquor store, so just give him the damned fish.

Birthdays: Jan van Goyen, landscape painter 1596, Salmon P. Chase, public official and jurist 1808, Horatio Alger, American writer 1832, Elmer Davis, radio commentator 1890, Gwen Verdon, dancer, actor 1925, Charles Nelson Reilly, actor, theater director 1931, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, actress 1961, Patrick Dempsey, actor 1966, Orlando Bloom, actor 1977.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man picked up his sexy date at her parent's home. He had saved enough money to take her to a fancy restaurant. She ordered shrimp cocktail, foie gras, lobster and Dom Perignon champagne, the most expensive items on the menu.

He asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?" She replied, "No, but my mother's not expecting sex tonight." He asked, "What would you like for dessert?"

A man goes into Barnes and Noble's book store and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises? She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet." The man says, "Yeah that's the one, I'll take a copy please.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my dear friend Linda for her contributions to today's stories.

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked, "Have you ever done anything of particular merit to allow you through the gateway to Heaven?"

The cowboy said, "Well, I can think of one thing. On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed. He asked, "When did this happen?" The cowboy replied, "A couple of minutes ago."

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs...enough times till her husband says, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" With a seductive smile, the woman purred, "Yes."

Her husband says, "Thank God, for a moment, I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa."

That's it for today, my little peas. Remember, If you take the Ginko, you might be able to remember where you put the Viagra. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

Stay Tuned !

Psych !

Stupid Mayans ~ I spent today paying bills and shopping online for Christmas presents. Okay, so I didn't really believe the world was coming to an end but it sounds better than saying I'm a procrastinator (a cross between a democrat and an alligator, with republican tendencies). I should have known it was a ruse because, like everybody else, the Mayans blamed Bush. 

Nevertheless, the end of the world group now has to find a new date to belabor and bother us with. Rest assured, some moron will come up with a new date that will spawn jokes by the intellects and scare children and old people. Oh wait! There is one which I overlooked and it, too, was created by idiots.

It's referred to as the fiscal cliff and it may or may not come to pass. What would we really nice to observe would be Obama and Congress actually go over a physical cliff. Then, we'll bury their sorry asses and we'll worry about the fiscal cliff next year.

The News As I See It: Christmas is less than a week away. I do most of my shopping online, but I hire someone to honk and scream obscenities at me while I'm doing it. That way, I get the whole holiday shopping experience.

Most Americans think Santa Claus is a Democrat because he gives handouts. This is really odd because when I think of a fat, old white man who hires unskilled labor, I think Republican.

Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper recently signed an amendment that officially legalized marijuana in the state. It took the stoners a few moments to thank Governor Hickenlooper as most couldn't say the word 'Hickenlooper' without laughing.

It looks like Obama is going to pick John Kerry to be our next secretary of state. This is a very strategic move when it comes to foreign policy. I guess Obama plans to use Kerry to bore our enemies to death.

This Date In History: 1620; The Pilgrims landed at Plymouth, Massachusetts. 1891; The first basketball game, invented at Springfield College in Massachusetts by James E. Naismith, was played.

1898; Pierre and Marie Curie discovered radium. 1913; The first crossword puzzle was printed in the New York World. 1937; Disney's Snow White, the first feature length color and sound cartoon, premiered.

1970; Elvis Presley met with president Richard Nixon in the White House. 1988; A terrorist bomb exploded aboard a Pan Am Boeing 747 over Lockerbie, Scotland, killing 270 people.

1991; Eleven of the former Soviet republics form the Commonwealth of Independent States. 1995; Palestinians took over the control of the city of Bethlehem.

Picture Of The Day: Val di Funes - Dolomites, Italy ~ My house is the third one on the left, next to the 7-11.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I was in Palm Beach last week and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read, "I miss Chicago." So I broke a window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires, keyed the doors and left a note that read, "I hope this helps!" 2) Stupid auto-correct. I always end up posting some thong I didn't Nintendo. 3) I remember my first day of school. My parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was...surrounded by trees and bushes. 4) Barry Obama and Michelle say they will not be exchanging gifts this Christmas. Michele says they used to, but she got tired of Barry promising big things and not delivering. 5) I don't use the Mayan calendar. I use the Garfield desk calendar. According to it, every Monday is the end of the world.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 21st: There is no need to be afraid, today. Tomorrow is the time for all your fears to be played out in one condensed package as you will be scurrying from store to store searching for gifts that you put off buying because of the Mayan calendar thing.

Birthdays: Henrietta Szold, Zionist leader 1860, Joseph Stalin, Soviet Communist Leader 1879,  Michael Tilson Thomas conductor, composer, and pianist 1944.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store." He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. They are low on finances, but they want to buy a dining room table. The brunette takes her last $300 dollars and heads out west to another ranch where a man has a table and chairs for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the table, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the table and chairs and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $299, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a table and chairs for our ranch. I need her to bring our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, "It’s just 99 cents a word."

After paying for the table, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word, ‘comfortable.’"

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to bring your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that table back to your ranch if you send her the word, ‘comfortable’?" The brunette explains, "My sister’s blonde. She’ll read it very slow."

This is about the best I could do living in Miami

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Luly for her contribution to today's stories.

When four of Santa's elves got sick and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Washington, D.C. this Christmas season. This decision is not based on religious reasons - they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

That's it for today, my little rain dears. Remember, God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question. I'm going to AREA 51 for some Christmas partying.

That's it for now. More on Monday.

Stay Tuned !