Happy New Year !

The partying behavior throughout the holiday season seems to center around drinking. This drinking culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you actually kiss the person you're married to.

Actually, the only intelligent way to spend New Year's Eve is either quietly with friends or in a brothel. Otherwise when the evening ends and people pair off, someone is bound to be left in tears.

As we head into the new year, Barry "the anointed one" Obama, in his infinite wisdom, has ended the pay freeze on federal employees, giving workers, ranging from Joe Biden to members of Congress and the Supreme Court, a raise. Obama signed the executive order last Thursday, The Weekly Standard reports.

The country is getting ready to go "off the fiscal cliff" and this idiot gives pay raises? Obviously, the White House elitists don't give a rats ass about the nation or the economy, but he makes sure all the assholes in the white house and congress get a raise.

The News As I See It: In sports, The Chicago bears defeated the Detroit Lions by a score of 26 to 24. In the waning moments of the game, Detroit ran a play where the receiver got open, caught the ball and was running for a touchdown but a Chicago player shot him before he scored. As usual in these types of cases in Detroit and Chicago, there were no witnesses.

Kim Kardashian is pregnant via Kanye West (?). The pregnancy helps solve West's inferiority complex and allows Kardashian to continue in her father's footsteps of getting blacks off.

This Date In History: 1879; Thomas Edison gave the first public demonstration of an electric incandescent lamp. 1938; The first breath test for drivers, "drunkometer," was introduced in Indianapolis.

1946; President Truman officially proclaimed the end of hostilities in World War II. 1961; The Marshall Plan expired after distributing more than $12 billion in foreign aid.

1963; Central African Federation of Rhodesia and Nyasaland was formally dissolved. 1964; The al-Fatah guerrillas of Yasser Arafat launched their first terrorist raid on Israel. 1987; Robert Mugabe sworn in as Zimbabwe's president.

Picture Of The Day: Happy New Year !

"Happy New Year to you, too"

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive. 2) When a newly married man looks happy, we know why and when a ten-year married man looks happy, we still wonder why. 3) Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to.  4) An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the guests leave along with the old year.  5) A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - December 31st: Tantalizing new evidence that you're about to have fun is going to reveal itself today. Early evidence may be the plethora of Happy New Year signs hanging about. The faster you travel today, the more likely you are to be stopped by the police and given a speeding ticket. If asked why you were speeding, do not respond by saying that you wanted to get there before you forgot where you were going.

Birthdays: My pals Herbert, Mercy and Pat - Happy Birthday my friends 19XX, Jacques Cartier, explorer 1491, Charles Cornwallis, general 1738, Henri Matisse, French Artist 1869, Elizabeth Arden, beautician, business executive 1878, George C. Marshal,l general and cabinet member 1880, Simon Wiesenthal, writer, activist 1908, Anthony Hopkins, actor 1937, Ben Kingsley, actor 1943, John Denver, entertainer 1943, Connie Willis, writer 1945.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

A rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.

The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased and says, "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence and has serviced all of my neighbor's cows." The banker says, "Wow! What did the vet do to that bull?"

The farmer said, "I don't really know. He just gave him some pills." The banker asked, "What kind of pills?" The farmer said, "I don't know, but they sort of tasted like peppermint."
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to all my pals who have made contributions throughout the year and help make Jimmy's Journal a fun place to visit.

On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman, who asked, "What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?"

Daniel answered, "I'm on my way to a lecture." The policeman asked sarcastically, "And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?" Daniel slurred grimly, "My wife."

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

She said to the doctor, "The hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?' The woman said, "On my balls, which is something else I want to talk to you about."

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do and the eyesight to tell the difference.

That's it for today, my little revelers. Remember, now is the time to make your annual New Year's resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.

That's it for now. Happy New Year to all. May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !