Warning: Politically Minded Morons Walk Among Us

I'm becoming weary of daily politics, especially the rhetoric from the politically uneducated, both left and right. My current peeve is with people who are unable to correctly pronounce the names of groups they associate with various candidates.

For the supposedly intelligent, George Soros liberals, who feel they are politically educated, do yourselves a favor so that you don't sound like complete assholes. The hate group that you go out of your way to associate with Donald Trump is called the "Ku Klux Klan", not the "Klu Klux Klan."

I understand that many people may not know the exact names of every political group and that politics, history and even geography are not among their priorities, especially the younger crowd. These people are usually of college age, who rant about bigotry, racism and violence while wearing Che Guevara t-shirts. The irony amuses me.

But when reporters and other media types speak with supposed authority and do not even know the actual name of a group is, their intellect becomes suspect. It is the equivalent of the many young media people who use the word "So" to begin every thought. In order to focus on this grammatical ignorance, the older crowd may remember Maynard G. Krebbs beginning every sentence with "Like". 

That is all. For those of you who do not know who Maynard G. Krebbs is, ask your parents. For those of you who regularly read my journal, this has been a semi-rant. For those of you who are liberal and/or do not normally read my journal, you can now resume your regularly scheduled liberal spoon feeding.....

The News As I See It: While in Cuba, Obama and Cuban President Raúl Castro watched a baseball game between the Tampa Bay Rays and the Cuban national baseball team. The Rays won and the Cuban team was sent to prison.

In Florida, an Anheuser-Busch truck collided with a Frito-Lay truck, spilling beer and chips all over the highway. We Floridians call that an "Easter miracle."

This Date In History: 1634; Maryland was founded by settlers sent by the late Lord Baltimore. 1894; Jacob Sechler Coxey and his "army" of unemployed men began their march from Ohio to Washington, DC. 1911; A fire at the Triangle Shirtwaist Co. in New York City killed 145 workers.

1931; The Scottsboro boys were arrested in Alabama. 1934; Horton Smith won the first Masters golf tournament at Augusta National in Georgia. 1957; The European Economic Community was established by the Treaty of Rome.

1965; The 25,000-person Alabama Freedom March to protest the denial of voting rights to blacks, led by Martin Luther King Jr., ended its journey from Selma on the steps of the State Capitol in Montgomery, Alabama. 1975; King Faisal of Saudi Arabia was shot and killed by his nephew. 1994; U.S. troops withdrew from Somalia.

Picture Of The Day: Happy Easter

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I told my girlfriend that she needed to spend less time with her dog. She hasn't bitten the mailman yet but she's starting to circle three times before sitting down. 2) I saw a bumper sticker that said either "support your local beaver" or "support your local brewer". Either way. it's sound advice. 3) When drinking, I suggest that you don't raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you're finishing a marathon. 4) Marriage controversy notwithstanding, no state should legally recognize a marriage if they don't serve alcohol at the wedding. 5) I'm actually kind of handsome when you're drunk, the light is low, there's no other dudes around and you have low standards.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - March 25th: That tingly little feeling you get when you like someone is actually your common sense leaving your body. Make tomorrow more fun. Unplug the copier at work and put a sign on it that says, "now voice activated." Then, sit back and watch the magic unfold.

Birthdays: Arturo Toscanini, conductor 1867, Bela Bartok, composer 1881, Howard Cosell, sports commentator 1920, Simone Signoret, actress 1921, Flannery O'Connor, author 1925, Gloria Steinem, feminist 1934, Aretha Franklin, singer 1942, Elton John, musician, singer, songwriter 1947, Sarah Jessica Parker, actress 1965.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior citizen is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior citizen walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked "What are you sellin' here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assholes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."

Murray goes to see the Rabbi and says, "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asks, "What's wrong?" Murray replies, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" Murray then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" Murray says, "Yes!" The Rabbi says, "Take the poison."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and decided to make the question a little harder, "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "About 1,500." "That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer and said, "Name them."

Little Zachary was doing poorly in math. His parents, after exhausting all other incentives, finally decided to enroll him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, Little Zach came home with a very serious look on his face. He went straight to his room and started studying. This continued for some time. His mother was baffled as to why he had become so dedicated.

Finally, Little Zach brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went to his room to study. With great trepidation, his mother looked at it and, to her surprise, Little Zachary go an "A" in math.

She asked, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns, the books, the discipline, the uniforms?" Little Zachary said, "No!" She asked, "What was it?"

Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the Plus Sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

That's it for today, my little catfish. Remember, in Canada, they don't count one-Mississippi, two-Mississippi..... They count one-Saskatchewan, two-Saskatchewan..... I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Have a super weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Scientist Prove That The Easter Chicken Actually Eggsists !

The appearance of multi-colored eggs all over America in April was baffling experts until the recent discovery of a species referred to as the Easter Chicken (Latin: Chickus Easterus), a species long believed to exist but never actually seen.

The Easter Chicken is believed to be a mutant breed of two classes of chicken referred to as "Chickus Kay Eff See Us" and "Chickus Perdueus." It seems that the Easter Chicken is capable of laying thousands of multi-colored eggs per day but only lays its eggs in April.

It seeks out wicker baskets and is especially fond of multi-colored Easter grass in which to lay its eggs. Once the month of April is over, the Easter Chicken spends the rest of the year sitting in a solution of Preparation H.

The growth of the Easter Chicken population came into being after being accidentally discovered by Al Sharpton while it was laying an egg in the new green growth of an Obama Chia Pet. Sharpton, ignorant of the species, quickly fired up his skillet, tossed in some lard and was ready for some finger lickin' fried chicken when he was stopped by science investigators.

During the ensuing melee, the Easter Chicken escaped and propagated. It is believed that the Easter Chicken will be laying it's eggs all across America this weekend.

The News As I See It: Easter Sunday is the day that people who have not seen the inside of the church since the previous Easter are present and all decked out in their Easter finery. The lucky part of the Easter services for the once a year visitors is that the preacher doesn't say anything about their lack of attendance and the roof doesn't cave in on them.

This year, Easter Sunday happens to fall on the same day as the marijuana holiday, April 20th. Which means no matter what your religion, this Sunday you're probably going to see a giant bunny.

The Southwest Airlines pilot who famously landed at the wrong airport has retired. He tried to retire to Florida but ended up in Alabama.

This Date In History: 1775; Paul Revere rode from Charlestown to Lexington to warn Massachusetts colonists of the arrival of British troops during the American Revolution. 1906; The Great San Francisco Earthquake destroyed over 4 sq mi. and killed over 500 people.

1923; The first game was played in Yankee Stadium (the House that Ruth built). Yankees beat the Boston Red Sox 4 to 1. 1956; Grace Kelly married Prince Rainier of Monaco. 1968; London Bridge was sold to an American. It was rebuilt in Arizona.

1978; The U.S. Senate voted to hand over the Panama Canal to Panamanian control on Dec. 31, 1999. 2002; Afghanistan’s former king, Mohammad Zahir Shah, returned after 29 years in exile. 2012; American Bandstand and New Year's Rockin' Eve host Dick Clark died of heart failure.

Picture Of The Day: The Easter Bunny, a known cohort of the Easter Chicken, usually takes the credit for the colored eggs, but as we all know, bunnies don't lay eggs, they create chocolate for eggs and bunnies.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Kidnappers abducted my girlfriend and now they're offering me a ransom to take her back. I'm holding out for more money. 2) If I had a parrot I'd teach it to say, "I know where they buried the bodies."  3) I came home from fishing today. My girlfriend left a note on the fridge: "It's not working. I can't take it anymore!! Gone to stay with my Mother." I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold. What the hell is she talking about? 4) Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death...... 5) If you don't have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 18th: The crystal ball which I sometimes use for divining fortunes for those like yourself is smashed beyond repair. I can see bits of your future but they look bloody. I can't tell whether or not if it's your blood. Actually, it might not be blood at all, but a red sock. I'm not sure. Get back to me tomorrow.

Birthdays: My friend Janice - Happy Birthday 19XX, Lucrezia Borgia, noblewoman 1480, Carlos Manuel de Cespedes, revolutionist 1819, Clarence Darrow, American lawyer 1857, Max Weber, painter 1881, Leopold Stokowski, conductor 1882, Conan O'Brien, talk-show host 1963.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. The man explained, "I feel terrible! I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!

The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

On Easter Sunday morning, the priest saw little Davey staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church's foyer. The plaque was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The boy asked, "Father Donovan, what is this? The priest explained, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." They stood together quietly, staring at the memorial plaque until Little Davey softly asked, "Which service? The 9:00 or the 10:30?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. The frog says, "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says. "My name is Kermit Jagger. My dad is Mick Jagger. It's okay, he knows the bank manager." Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant and says."'I mean, what in the world is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."

A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some "Polish Sausage." The clerk looked at him and asked, "Are you Polish?" The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am, but let me ask you something. If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? If I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya?" The clerk says, "Well, no...."

The man went on, "And if I asked you for some Irish Whiskey, would you ask me if I was Irish? What about Canadian Bacon, would you ask me if I was Canadian?" The clerk replied, "Well, I probably wouldn't" With self-indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish Sausage?" The clerk replied, "Because you're at the Home Depot.

That's it for today, my little Easter Peeps. Remember, if a woman tells you that she is as flexible as a Slinky, don't test the theory by pushing her down a flight of stairs. Meanwhile, I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour. They don't have any staircases there.

Have a Happy Easter, a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Noodlin'

There are people who swim in red muddy water and catch catfish with their bare hands. Don't ask me why, there just is. I mean, I can't imagine sitting in my trailer one Saturday morning, sipping a Budweiser and watching cartoons and think......"I'm going fishing"

Okay, been there and done that. But, I didn't jump into a river and tried to catch fish with my bare hands, I used a rod and reel. The sport of hand fishing or "noodling" as it's known has been around for some time now and, incredibly, is becoming more popular.

Noodling involves a spotter finding a catfish hole and the noodler reaches in and either shoves his hand into the catfish's mouth and, through the gills, then pulls him out or uses himself as bait by letting the catfish clamp down on him and then pulls him out.

I'm told that alligators, snakes, beavers, muskrats and snapping turtles sometimes adopt abandoned catfish holes as their new homes. Sounds to me like a recipe for losing some fingers and possibly an arm.

Some people insist that noodling is a survival technique that one might utilize in the case of a major catastrophe. Hell, they elected Obama, so I guess anything's possible.

All in all, to each his own. I have been known to wade into an alligator infested Everglades swamp to fish for bass. I'm not saying that I'm real bright, I'm just saying been there and done that.....

 
The News As I See It: Are you ready for Easter? Back in the day, I used to hide chocolate eggs for my kids and later in the day they would hide my Scotch.

Last Easter, Governor Chris Christie was rushed to the hospital. It was an emergency. It turned out he had an impacted peep. There was also some trouble at last tear's White House's Easter egg hunt. One kid looking for eggs turned up Obama's birth certificate.

Legendary singer Dionne Warwick filed for bankruptcy, claiming she has only $25,000 in assets but owes more than $10 million in unpaid taxes. She's angry with her at her psychics for not giving her a heads up. She owes 400 times what she has. She could end up serving three years — as the White House budget director.

A man has won an $8,000 settlement from Disneyland after he got stuck on their "It's a Small World" ride. The man said he'll use the money to cut out the part of his brain that won't stop playing "It's a Small World After All.

Former CIA director David Petraeus apologized for having an affair with his biographer. He said he hopes this begins a new chapter in his life. It got awkward when he said, "Any of you ladies want to write it?"

Obama told reporters that his NCAA tournament bracket is busted. Obama said they were the worst picks he's ever made — then he looked at his economic advisers and said, "Uh, maybe not."

An "Our Gang" Easter

This Date In History: 1848; For the first time in recorded history, Niagara Falls stopped flowing. An ice jam in the Niagara River above the rim of the falls caused the water to stop. 1867; The North America Act was passed by the British parliament, creating the dominion of Canada.

1951; Julius and Ethel Rosenberg were found guilty of passing atomic secrets to the Russians and were sentenced to death. 1971; Lt. William Calley was convicted of murdering 22 Vietnamese civilians in the My Lai massacre.

1973; The last U.S. troops left South Vietnam. 1999; The Dow Jones industrial average closed above 10,000 for the first time, at 10,006.78. 2002; Israel declared Yasir Arafat an enemy.

Picture Of The Day: Although this is technically a picture of Noodlers, I must admit that my heart is not with the catfish.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'll bet that when Hugh Hefner dies, no one will say, "He's in a better place." 2) If at first you don't succeed, try playing second base. 3) Duct tape can't fix stupid but it can muffle the sound. 4) I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability. 5) Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - March 29th: A romantic excursion to an luxury hotel and casino may be just the thing to spark up your love life this weekend. Cover the bed in rose petals, place some chocolates on your loved-one's pillow and bring some beautiful and flowers. Teepees are a saucy place to hide out and making love but it's really not the same ambiance and the room service is not as good. If you insist on gambling at the roulette table, play $5 on number 38.

Birthdays: My pal Ken - Happy Birthday ! 19XX, John Tyler, 10th president of the United States 1790, Cy Young, baseball player 1867, Eugene McCarthy, politician 1916, Sam Walton, retailer 1918, John Major, politician 1943.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An older couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" The husband replied, "Yep, in-laws."

Obama walks into a New York bar with a frog on his shoulder. The bartender says, "Hey, that's cool ! Where did you get it?" The frog answers, "In Chicago, there's thousands of them up there."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet,the store's merchandise wasn't in -- only a few shelves and display racks set up. One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you selling here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes." Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."

Old Mrs. Lipschitz went to her gynecologist and after her examination, she told him that she was worried about her husband's health. When asked about the problem, Mrs. Lipschitz said that lately her husband had developed a penchant for eating dog food.

The doctor said, "I wouldn't worry too much about that. As long as he eats other types of food as well, the dog food won't hurt him." The doctor's answer satisfied the old woman and she returned home.

About a month later, the doctor happened to see Mrs. Lipschitz at the shopping mall. He greeted the old woman and asked about Mr. Lipschitz. She said, "Oh, he's in the hospital in intensive care but the doctors say he's going to be fine."

Horrified, the doctor said, "My word, I didn't believe that eating dog food would hurt him. I hope that he didn't have a reaction to the dog food and was poisoned." Mrs. Lipschitz replied, "No, eating the dog food wasn't the problem. He stepped off the curb to sniff a poodle's ass and got hit by a car."

That's it for today, my little peeps. Remember, politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

That's it for now. Have a Happy Easter and a great weekend. More on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Happy Easter !

Easter Sunday always brings fond memories for me. I always looked forward to my Easter basket, the chocolate bunny and the Easter egg hunt. As I've grown older, it's even more fun as I can now hide my own Easter eggs.

Of course, prior to any of the above there was the obligatory trip to church for Easter services. I was always amazed at the number of attendees at Easter church services only to learn later on in life that it was also a fashion show for the ladies.

In those days, my mother rarely missed church services while my father was a bit lax in his attendance. I recall coming out of church one day and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my father by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said, "You need to join the Army of the Lord." My Dad said, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." The Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" Dad whispered back, "I'm in the secret service!"

Okay, maybe I stretched the truth a bit about Dad with that story but Mom definitely had better attendance than Dad. Of course, Mom didn't enjoy fishing as much as my Dad did. Given the fact that Dad worked six days a week, I'm sure the good Lord gave a Dad a few free passes.

The News As I See It: Obama signed a bill preventing members of Congress from profiting from insider trading. Didn't you think that was already illegal? They were profiting from insider information. I wonder why they didn't use inside information to pay off the $15 trillion debt?

A new picture was just released of Obama giving the Star Trek Vulcan salute at the White House. Even Spock was like, "Whoa, look at that guy’s ears!"

Ryan Seacrest finally made his highly publicized "major announcement" on the "Today" show, revealing that he will take part in NBC’s coverage of the London Olympics. The other thing he revealed? That he doesn't know what a major announcement is.

The Supreme Court has ruled that anybody can be strip-searched for any kind of arrest. That's something to think about the next time you bring 12 items into a 10-item-or-less lane.

Allegiant Airlines has announced it will start charging $35 extra if you have carry-on bags. Meanwhile, JetBlue is charging $35 extra if you want a pilot who isn't insane.

Best Buy announced they're going to close stores in the United States while opening 50 new stores in China during the same time. They say opening the stores in China will save shipping costs because all the stuff is made there anyway.

On Earth Day the Empire State Building went dark for an hour to draw attention to climate change. On the down side, 10 endangered eagles then crashed into the building.

This Date In History: 1830; Joseph Smith and five others organized the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Fayette, New York. 1862; The Battle of Shiloh in the American Civil War began. 1896; First modern Olympic Games opened in Athens, Greece.

1909; Robert Peary and Matthew Henson became the first to reach the North Pole. 1917; U.S. declared war on Germany and entered World War I. 1994; The presidents of Rwanda and Burundi were killed in a plane crash.

Picture Of The Day: An Easter cake for my peeps.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A new study claims that four out of ten Americans are now obese. The study was conducted by anyone working at a water park. 2) I've always wondered why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets. 3) The "Alphabet song" and "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" have the same tune (stop singing and read). 4) I went to the library and asked the librarian where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose. 5) My friend has one of those strollers for twins. He only has one kid, but he got the stroller free. He says when his kid gets older, he'll tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 6th: Hey, how bad could it be? It's Friday and happy hour nears. Don't be afraid to take off a little early from work. Anything undone will be waiting for you on Monday, so go for it. Chance of romance is 67.41 percent with clear skies.

Birthdays: My friend Judith - Happy Birthday young lady 19XX, Raphael Santi, Italian Renaissance painter 1843, James Mill philosopher, economist, and historian 1773, Anthony Fokker aircraft manufacturer 1890, Andre Previn conductor, composer, and pianist 1929.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in an adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?" He replies, "I lived here years ago."

The old lady continued, "So, where were you all these years?" The man says, "In prison." The old lady asked, "Why did they put you in prison?" He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my wife." The old woman said, "Oh! So you're single...?!"

After an examination, the doctor said to the old man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?" The old man replied, "In fact, I do. After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."

When the doctor examined his wife a short time later he said, "Everything appears to be fine. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: "Your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?" The woman replied, "Yeah, that's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Skip for his contribution to today's stories.

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

The moral of this story? You can't kill two birds with one stone.

There were two ministers, Johnson and Green, who met each Sunday morning riding to their particular church. They both enjoyed riding the bikes and talking. Then one Sunday, Minister Johnson arrived walking. Minister Green asked, "My what happened to your bike?" Minister Johnson said, "Can you believe that someone in my congregation stole it?"

Minister Green said, "My lord!" Then an idea struck him, "You want to know how to get your bike back?" Minister Johnson replied, "Yeah." Minister Green said, "Next Sunday give a fire and brimstone sermon on the Ten Commandments and when you get to the part about 'Thou shall not steal', just look out into the congregation and see who looks guilty."

The next Sunday Minister Johnson comes riding up on his bike. Minister Green says, "Hey I see my suggestion worked." Minister Johnson said, "Well sort of. I was going along real good on the Ten Commandments and when I got to the part about Adultery, I remembered where I left my bike."

That's it for today, my little Easter bunnies. Remember, two rights do not make a wrong, they make an airplane. The AREA 51 happy hour services begin at 6pm and I plan on attending. Have a Happy Easter and a great weekend. More on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

A Mouse! A Mouse! My Kingdom For A Mouse!

Well, it happened! There I was, late Wednesday night, trusty mouse at the ready, single-handedly resolving major problems around the world, when, click..... nothing happened. Huh? Click! Click? Nothing.... nada.... nico.... nyet .....kaput! Damn it!

I thought, "Oh well, I guess I have to go buy another mouse tomorrow at Best Buy or Office Depot. Let me check the prices there......" Click..... "Oh yeah, the mouse is broken. No problem, I'm sure both stores have mice."

I said to myself, "I wonder what a mouse costs? It can't be that much. Let me check Best Buy......" Click.... "The mouse is broken dummy! Okay, let me get a cup of coffee and think this out."

I went to the kitchen, poured a cup of coffee and returned to the computer desk to plan my trip to buy the mouse. I thought, "I'd better check my finances to make sure I've got money in the bank. I'll check my bank balance." Click....

I was beginning to get that same stupid feeling one gets when the electricity goes off in the house. You find a flashlight, light some candles and every room you walk into, flashlight in hand, you reach over and flip the light switch. Hello....! The lights are out ! Duh, hello....! Your mouse is broken....!

I finally realized that I could check prices at the stores by using my Blackberry. Now if I can just get the font large enough so that I can read it.....

The News As I See It: Donald Trump is apparently on top among Republican voters. People are responding to his straight-forward honesty and tough talk. If Trump does become president, I hope he puts a wig on his plane and calls it Hair Force One.

The governor of Hawaii said he first met President Obozo just days after he was born. He knew it was Obozo because he kept pointing to his diaper and calling for "change."

The cast of "JerseyShore" must behave themselves while filming in Italy. So instead of getting blackout drunk and going home to make a sandwich, they’ll be getting blackout drunk and going home to make a Panini.

President Obozo Is in Los Angeles for a fundraiser and huge traffic delays are expected all over Los Angeles. Tomorrow, Obozo will be on the East Coast...and huge traffic delays are expected in Los Angeles.

Donald Trump said he'd release his personal tax returns if Obama shows his birth certificate, which is probably the first you-show-me-yours-and-I’ll-show-you-mine in a presidential campaign since President Clinton.

This Date In History: 1500; Pedro Alvares Cabral discovered Brazil and claimed it for Portugal. 1509; Henry VIII became king of England. 1616; The Spanish poet Cervantes died in Madrid (Some sources say April 23). 1864; Congress authorized the inscription "In God We Trust" on coins minted as U.S. currency.

1889; The land rush in Oklahoma began when it was opened to settlers. 1970; The first Earth Day was observed. 1994; Richard M. Nixon died of a stroke at the age of 81. 2000; Armed immigration agents took Elian Gonzalez from the Miami home of his relatives to reunite him with his father.

Picture Of The Day: I thought post some Easter pictures today and I especially like the one below. Happy Easter!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I hope I'm the last guy on earth - I wanna see if all those women were lying to me. 2) Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? 3) I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Taurus and she's a Bitch. 4) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. 5) If it's true that God is always watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.....and that's five!

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Taurus - April 22nd: Destiny will help you discover that you are not intended to be alone. Destiny might play with your mind though and take you to a pet store. Love is a wonderful thing that can truly change your life for the better. However, the chances of this happening to you anytime before lunch tomorrow are remote so you might as well quit, go home and eat ice-cream until your brain freezes.You may find love in unexpected places, however, it is equally likely that you'll find love on Ebay. There's a great sale on shoes, though.

Birthdays: Isabella I, Spanish queen of Castile and León 1451, Henry Fielding, author 1707, Immanuel Kant, philosopher 1724, Vladimir Lenin, Russian revolutionary 1870, Vladimir Nabokov, author 1899, J. Robert Oppenheimer, nuclear physicist 1904, Charles Mingus, jazz musician 1922, Jack Nicholson, actor 1937.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old sailor was out walking on the dock one day when he met a former ship mate of his. They had not seen each other for many years and had many old memories to renew. After some time, the ship mate said to the old sailor, "If you don't mind my saying so, you don't look very good. You must have experienced some bad luck. How did you lose your leg." The old sailor said, "Well, one day I was out on deck and my leg become tangled up in a loose line and it was so badly mangled that they had to take it off at the knee. Now I have this wooden leg."

His friend agreed that was bad luck. He asked, "So, what's with the hook? How did you lose your hand?" The old sailor said, "I was out on deck when a shipmate of mine fell overboard. I leaned over as far as I could in a attempt to rescue him and as I extended my hand to him a shark took my hand off."

The ship mate said, "Man, you really did experience bad luck. I see you have a patch over one eye, What happened to your eye?" The old sailor said, "Well, I was out on deck again one day and just as I looked up, a seagull that was flying over, unloaded, and got me right in the eye." The ship mate said, "Wow and that took your eye out? The old sailor said, "No, that was my first day with the hook."

A woman was standing on a street corner waiting for a bus when she happened to notice a weight machine. She fumbled through her purse for a dime and went over to the machine and inserted the coin. Out came a card that said. "You weigh 135 pounds and in 30 seconds you will pass gas." Sure enough, after 30 seconds, she passed wind.

Astonished that the machine was correct, she found another dime and returned to the weight machine. After inserting the coin, out popped another card that read, "You still weigh 135 pounds and in 30 seconds, you will be kissed and fondled by a man." Again, after 30 seconds, an old boyfriend happened to pass by. When he stopped to say hello, he kissed and gently fondled her.

Afterward, red faced and fumbling through her purse, she managed to find another dime. She went back to the weight machine and put in her last dime. Again a little card popped out that said, "You still weigh 135 pounds and while you were farting and fooling around, you missed your bus."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Wally and Emilio for their contributions to today's stories.

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a old heavyset woman moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the woman walked between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother."

Two elderly women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done, when in walked a young chick with a low-cut blouse that revealed a beautiful rose tattooed on one boob. One woman leaned over to the other and said, "Poor thing. She doesn't know it, but in 50 years she'll have a long-stemmed rose in a hanging basket."

Some women were gathered and the subject of conversation turned to sex and then birth control. The first woman says, "We're Catholic so we can't use it." The next woman says "I am too, but we use the rhythm method." The third woman says, "We use the bucket and saucer method."

The others ask, "What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?" The third woman says, "Well, I'm five foot eleven and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him."

That's it for today, my little peeps. Remember, it's been said that four out of five people suffer from diarrhea. I'm thinking I don't really want to meet that one that enjoys it. Methinks it's a good Friday for happy hour in AREA 51. Have a Happy Easter and a great weekend. More on Monday.

Stay Tuned !