Excuses, Excuses, Excuses

A politician will find an excuse to get out of anything, except office. I find this amusing. Celebrities do the same thing when they screw up. The amazing thing is that they always come up with a dimwitted excuse and, amazingly, they often escape serious punishment.

They say they're going into rehab or they found God or make some ridiculous excuse for their actions. Most people see through the shams and recognize a liar when they see one. Some people don't.

Most of us realize that if we were in their boots, our asses would be sent up the river so quickly, there wouldn't even be time to look for a paddle.

And, man oh man, do they desert their friends when the caca hits the oscillator. Anthony Weiner's wife, Huma Abedin, is now laying low and has taken a temporary leave from working for Hillary Clinton.

This is because Clinton's worried about her 2016 presidential campaign and she's in enough horse manure as it is. She definitely doesn't want to be associated with a Weiner. The ghost of Monica Lewinsky still hovers over her.

Anthony Weiner, also known as "Carlos Danger" still won't quit the New York City mayoral race. His recent antics have dropped him into last place. Once an ass, always an ass.....

 The News As I See It: Things are not looking good for former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez. It looks like he may spend the rest of his life in jail. On the plus side, Hernandez says he's looking forward to playing on the prison football team under coach Whitey Bulger.

Speaking of prison, OJ Simpson is supposedly up to around 300 pounds. In fact, OJ is now the leading cause of prison overcrowding. He's so fat, he’s asking for the death penalty just so he can get the last meal.

Happy birthday to Arnold Schwarzenegger who recently turned 66 years old. It was an odd celebration. Arnold didn't really get excited until after the party when the maids came to clean up.

Justin Bieber's tour bus was stopped by Canadian border patrol agents. And they found marijuana. The agents said Bieber was a disgrace to Canada and should never come back. Then they found the marijuana.

Pope Francis said he will not judge priests who are gay. That must have been some trip to Rio. In response, gay priests said they will not judge Pope Francis for wearing that robe with those shoes.

Russian President Vladimir Putin was on vacation last week, and apparently he caught a giant 46-pound fish. Putin called it a crowning achievement, while the manager of the aquarium said, "What am I supposed to do? He's president."

This Date In History: 1498; Columbus arrived at the island of Trinidad. 1777; The Marquis de Lafayette became a major-general in the American Continental Army. 1790; The first U.S. patent was issued to Samuel Hopkins of Vermont for a process of making fertilizer.

1875; Andrew Johnson, the 17th president of the United States, died in Tennessee. 1954; Mount Godwin-Austen (K2), the world's second-highest peak, was climbed for the first time, by an Italian team led by Ardito Desio. 1964; The U.S. space probe Ranger 7 transmitted pictures of the Moon’s surface.

Picture Of The Day: A mother giraffe gives a little love to her baby....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I bought my girlfriend a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel. 2) Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years. 3) Did you know that deer live an average of 15 years in the wild, but can live up to 87 in a condominium? 4) Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope's car. 5) I once dated a girl who I felt had ulterior motives. I'm not saying she a gold digger, but she had a helmet with a flashlight on it and a pick axe.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - July 31st: A potential mate will come to you today and will affect your self confidence. Bizarrely, you will attempt a counter-strike by sharpening your pencils.

Birthdays: S. S. Kresge, merchant, philanthropist 1867, Jean Dubuffet, painter and sculptor 1901, Milton Friedman, economist 1912, Whitney M. Young, Jr. social reformer 1921, Wesley Snipes, actor, producer 1962, J. K. Rowling, writer 1965.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Russ and Sam met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ.

One day,Sam approached the park and lo and behold, there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him. Then he said, "For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?" Russ replied, "I have been in jail." Sam cried, "Jail? What in the world for?"

Russ said, "You know Sue,that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop, where I sometimes go?" Sam said, 'Yeah, I remember her. What about her?" Russ said, "She filed rape charges against me, and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'. The judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed him that he was not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons. After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove he wasn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor.

As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups. He looks at him for a minute and then nudges him in the ribs saying, "Hey man, I think your girlfriend has gone home."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A young man is vacationing alone in Hawaii. He hits the beach, hoping to meet some young ladies. Much to his surprise, they all seem to be drawn to an old guy a little further down the shoreline. He goes back to the hotel, hoping for better luck that night in a night-club. He gets to the club and he sees the same old man, surrounded by beautiful women.

He pulls the old guy aside and asked, "Man, what's your secret?" The old man replies, "I saw you on the beach today and I felt sorry for you. So I'll give you a tip. Try putting a pair of socks down your trunks." The young man is thankful for the advice, and can't wait for the next day to try his luck again.

The next morning he goes out to the beach again, with a clean pair of socks neatly tucked into his trunks. But the girls only smile at him and move on. He then sees the old man again, completely surrounded, of course by beautiful women.

That night, he finds the old man again and asks for more help. The wise old man responds with another fine tip, "Next time son, put the socks in the front of your trunks.

A foursome of guys is waiting at the mens' tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely.Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those f**king lessons I took over the winter didn't help." One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!" (He never even had a chance to duck.)

A lawyer, an illegal alien, a pathological liar, a Muslim, a Communist and a black guy walk into a bar. The bartender asked, "What'll it be, Mr. President?"

That's it for today, my little kitty cats. Remember, the difference between a brown noser and an ass kisser is depth perception. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !