My Pants Keep Shrinking But My Hat Don't

I still keep pants that no longer fit on the closet hanger. Shirts too! I guess that I'm hoping that either one of two things happen. Either I begin an exercise regimen and watch what I eat or one of God's beautiful miracles happen. Neither option appears probable.

I keep smaller sizes of coats, shirts and pants for two reasons. The first reason being that the clothes were expensive and I took good care of them. For example, I have gray brushed suede jacket by Halsten that fits perfectly if I take a big, deep breath and never let it out again during the course of the evening.

The second reason still is based on one of God's miracles combined with a week of sickness and loss of appetite. This has happened before. Not the miracle part, but the week of sickness. I even wore a gray Pierre Cardin suit that was two sizes smaller to a New Years Eve party during that time.

Alas, there comes that time when we all put on a little more weight thus forcing some great clothing into early retirement. Still, at 6 feet tall and 175 pounds, my weight is still within the norm. The problem is that I'm borderline for the move to the next larger size and I'm not happy about it. Maybe I'll resume my daily morning walks.....

The News As I See It: An NFL player is in trouble for making a comment at a country music concert that's offensive to black people. His comment was, "I enjoy country music."

Speaking of Obama, he's going to appear on "The Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. That's going to be awesome. The most powerful man in the country is going to interview Obama.

AOL Time Warner announced that their CEO will resign at the end of the year. They say they would've done it sooner, but that was the earliest they could get a technician to come out and install a replacement.

Al-Qaida announced that they will try to free the inmates at Guantanamo Bay. Yeah, because nothing helps you pull off a prison break like announcing it ahead of time.

The Discovery Channel had a fascinating show about ants. An ant can lift 20 times its own weight. It used to be only five times its own weight, but then Alex Rodriguez told them about a clinic in Florida. Rodriguez may soon be facing a serious penalty for steroid use — either a lifetime ban from the sport or a trade to the Houston Astros.

A new poll says that most Democrats think Anthony Weiner has lost his mind. Weiner said, "Well, the important thing is I haven't lost my phone."

This Date In History: 1876; Wild Bill Hickok was murdered in Deadwood, South Dakota. 1909; The first Lincoln penny was issued. 1923 Warren G. Harding, the 29th president of the United States, died in San Francisco.

1943; PT-109, a torpedo boat commanded by Lt. John F. Kennedy, was sunk off the Solomon Islands by a Japanese destroyer. 1945; The Potsdam Conference, in which Allied leaders planned the postwar governance of Germany, ended. 1990; The Persian Gulf War broke out when Iraq invaded Kuwait.

Picture Of The Day: What a beautiful animal.....!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs? 2) The "Law of Probable Dispersal" states that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 3) She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano. 4) I read that four years after pregnancy, thirty-eight percent of all moms still were not drinking. I think it's safe to say this survey was not done on Facebook. 5) Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. Guess they don't like random people coming up to their door.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 2nd: A nearby construction company may approach you this morning in an attempt to fool you into thinking that the world is about to explode. It's probably a ruse, but keep your eyes on the exits, just in case.

Birthdays: Pierre Charles L'Enfant, soldier, engineer, and architect 1754, Elisha Gray, inventor 1835, John Sloan, artist 1871, Myrna Loy, actress 1905, Carroll O'Connor, actor 1922, James Baldwin, novelist 1924, Peter O'Toole, actor 1932, Isabel Allende, Chilean novelist 1942.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Holding up a lottery ticket, a husband says to his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?" She says sarcastically, "I would take half, then leave you." he replied, "Excellent, I won $12. Here's $6, now get the f**k out."

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me." His grandson said, "But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

Guido said, "You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Mike, Skip and Wally for their contributions to today's stories.

At a recent convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarked to another, "Did you know that we have switched from rats to lawyers for experiments in our lab?" The other researcher replied, "Really? Why the switch?"

The first researcher explained, "There were a number of reasons. First, our lab assistants don't become so attached to them. Second, lawyers breed much quicker, making them far more plentiful. Third, animal rights groups have no objection to their torture and fourth, there are some things even a rat won't do."

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. She says, "You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in."

She continued, "Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"

The grandson asked, "Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? His grandmother replied, "What? You're coming empty handed?"

That's it for today, my little apple dumplings. Remember, married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !