Elvis is alive and has returned to endorse reverse mortgages being offered by ScrewAmerica mortgage company. Presley joins the throng of over-the-hill and/or dead actors who have jumped on the reverse mortgage bandwagon as a means to supplement their Social Security income.
Presley, feeling refreshed and frisky after taking Coach Jimmy "Dickhead" Johnson's male enhancement pills, said that he would also be taking over Johnson's job because Johnson doesn't know dick about women. Johnson could not be reached for comment but his representative said that he was seeking immediate medical attention because his entire body had become rigid for more than four hours.
Elvis no longer has any frequent bathroom urges thanks to Joe "the shill" Theisman's Super Beta Prostate pills and will also assume that position from Theisman, who suffered minor injuries in an automobile wreck last weekend. Things got worse when Theisman mistook the black actor who does the All State commercials for Barack Obama.
State Farm Insurance seemed to take offense about Theisman's case of mistaken identity and suggested that the rumor that Madison Avenue is using the White House as a money making tool is completely false. They further stated that the issue is nothing more than a Republican rumor and that their black actor looks nothing like All State's black actor or Barack Obama.
State Farm said that they just took three average people off the streets and made the commercial. You can see for yourself in the State Farm commercial that all three people are truly representative of their respective backgrounds. Personally, I sho' do thanks my State Farm agent fo' heppin' us dumb ass white folks out. Meanwhile, Elvis has left the building.....
Authors Note: The above information became available to Jimmy's Journal after using MyCleanPC, MaxMySpeed, FinallyFastPC and ScamMeBecauseI'mStupidPC.
Note: Remember to mute my music Tunelist located on the lower left of the page.
The News As I See It: Happy birthday to New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg, who recently turned 71 years old. They had a lovely party down at city hall. They had a big cake and the mayor stood up on a big stack of his money to blow out the candles.
The song "Gangnam Style" has been named best song for kids to listen to while brushing their teeth. However, it is the worst song to listen to during everything else. Personally, I think most parents would rather have all their kids' teeth fall out than hear that song one more time.
A man in Georgia was arrested for stealing a Krispy Kreme doughnut truck and leading police on a high-speed chase. The police charged him with one count of grand theft irony.
This Date In History: 1546;
Martin Luther, German leader of the Protestant Reformation, died.
1564;
Michelangelo Buonarotti, Italian painter, sculptor, and architect, died.
1885;
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain was published.
1930;
Pluto, the ninth planet in the solar system, was discovered by American astronomer Clyde Tombaugh.
1953;
The first 3-D movie, Bwana Devil, opened in New York.
2001;
FBI agent Robert Philip Hanssen was arrested and charged with spying for Russia.
2001;
Dale Earnhardt, Sr., died from injuries sustained at the Daytona 500.
Picture Of The Day: Words are not necessary.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Scientists have found that the ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. What a coincidence, so does my Uncle.
2) I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance period. 3) Does time fly when you're having sex or was it really just one minute? 4) Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies. 5) My divorce came to me as a complete surprise. That's what happens when you haven't been home in eighteen years.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - February 18th: You must be cautious to ensure that you can make a quick getaway should unexpected events occur. I usually rely on the coded to text to my friend to call me with an "unexpected emergency". This plan won't work if you're already naked, so plan ahead.
Birthdays: LMy sweet pal Bonnie - Happy Birthday girl ! 19XX, Louis Comfort Tiffany
artist, decorative designer 1848,
Sholem Aleichem,
author 1859,
Charles Michael Schwab,
steel magnate 1862,
Helen Gurley Brown,
editor, author 1922,
George Kennedy,
actor 1925,
John Travolta,
actor 1954,
Matt Dillon,
actor 1964,
Molly Ringwald,
actress 1968.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus the driver says "Wow, that is one ugly baby!"
The woman, deeply hurt, just continued on the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man. The man asks, "What's wrong, you look angry?"
She replied "I am. That bus driver just insulted me."
The man said, "You shouldn't take that from him. He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I were you, I would take down his badge number and report him.
The woman says, "You're right sir. I think I will report him."
The elderly man says, "Good! You go on up there and get his badge number and I'll hold your monkey for you."
After Obama was elected president, he was spending his first night in the White House. The ghost of George Washington suddenly appears and Obama says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
Obama says, "Ouch! I don't know about that. That's how I got elected."
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears. Obama says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."
Obama says, "Oh! I really don't want to do that."
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears. Obama says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train.
Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting."
Eric continued, "No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. With the boss.
No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life.
Yes, I'm sure. Cross my heart!"
Ten minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him had enough and leaned over and said into the phone,
"Eric, turn that phone off and come back to bed."
(Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer).
Two old ladies were chatting one day. They were talking about this and that and the subject finally got around to sex. The first old lady said she enjoyed sex all the time and just as much as ever. The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was.
The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom he gets turned on and has his way with her.
The second old lady decides to try this approach so that night when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head.
Her husband comes into the bedroom takes one look and says, "For God's sake Maude, comb your hair and put your teeth in."
That's it for today, my little mushroom caps. Remember, while everything is edible, some things are only edible once.
That's it for now. More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !
I'm not the young man I used to be. Don't get me wrong, I still feel like Elvis Presley, but I'm now in my Vegas years and the toilet has become a friend. You know your getting older when you wake up in the morning with no aches or pains and become anxious that something's wrong.
It just doesn't pay to even hang out with older guys. One night an old friend asked me if he could go to AREA 51 with me. When I picked him up, a lovely young woman happened to walk by at the same time. He got so nervous that his pacemaker opened his garage door. He asked me, "Do you think we'll get lucky tonight?" I told him getting lucky means remembering where we parked the car.
He told me he'd thought he'd get a little action that night. I said, "You might if you remembered to take your fiber." He said, "It would be great to have an "all-nighter." I told him an "all nighter" means you won't have to get up three times to pee.
Later that night, he became enamoured with an older woman. I know that she liked him because she looked at his crotch and clapped twice.....but nothing happened. I told him that if he was lucky, her Kraft-matic Adjustable Bed will be set for "doggy style."
The News As I See It: The Olympics take place during Ramadan and some Muslim athletes said they will not fast during games. After sampling the British food, they said, on second thought, fasting sounds good.
The apartment that Obama used to live in when he was a college student in New York is now up for rent for $2,400 a month. Coincidentally, Obama was only there for one four-year term.
A new study published by The British Medical Journal found that inactivity can kill you. I mean, these are the kind of findings that just scare the hell out of Congress.
The Romney campaign raised $10 million in California over the last two days. One million was from a fundraiser while $9 million was from Romney checking a pocket in some old khakis.
Kim Kardashian's mother, Kris Jenner, wants to host her own talk show while Kim's step-dad, Bruce Jenner, just wants to be able to blink.
This Date In History: 1946;
The United States tested the first underwater atomic bomb at Bikini Atoll.
1952;
Puerto Rico became a commonwealth of the United States.
1956;
The Italian liner Andrea Doria sank after colliding with the Swedish ship Stockholm off the New England coast, killing 51 people.
1978;
The world's first test-tube baby, Louise Joy Brown, was born in Lancashire, England.
1984;
Soviet cosmonaut Svetlana Savitskaya became the first woman to walk in space.
2000;
The supersonic airliner Concorde crashed after takeoff outside Paris.
Picture Of The Day: Without a doubt, "The Big Bang Theory" has taken the number one spot for comedy from "Two and A Half Men." Ashton Kutcher will never have the comedic talent to replace Charlie Sheen and the writers have dropped the ball as well.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I find that a duck's opinion of me is influenced by whether or not I have bread. 2) I never use the phrase "camel-toe." I call it "the reason I go to yoga exercise." 3) On a traffic light yellow means yield and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where'd you get that banana?
4) I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff. 5) I can't wait to finish today's post, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Leo - July 25th: You've got as much right as anyone to stamp your feet and demand retribution as the next person, but wearing a hat will complicate matters. Bear in mind that experience is something you don't get until just after you need it, so use caution if you go to happy hour tonight. Chance of romance is 28.16 percent with the hat and 56.34 percent without the hat. You make the call.
Birthdays: Henry Knox,
officer 1750,
Thomas Eakins, painter, photographer, sculptor 1844, Arthur Balfour,
statesman 1848,
Walter Payton,
football player 1954,
Matt LeBlanc,
actor 1967.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old Scot and a young Scot were sitting in the pub talking about life. Somewhere around their fourth pint of ale, the old man says to the young man, "Son, look out the window. You see that stone fence stretching out across the moor as far as yer eye can see? Well I built that fence with me own two hands. But, do they call me MacGregor the fence builder? Nooooo."
The old Scot continued,
"Now ya take a look up at the bar. See the perfectly constructed thing of beauty stretchin’ across this great hall? Well, I built that bar with me own two hands. But, do they call me MacGregor the bar builder? Noooo."
After a swig of ale, the old man said,
"Now take a look toward the sea. Do you see that magnificent pier, sturdy and straight, unmoving againt the sea and all her wrath? Well, I built that pier with me own two hands. But, do they call me MacGregor the pier builder? Noooo."
Then MacGregor leans in close to the young man and whispers, "But ya screw one goat….."
The young reporter was interviewing a woman who had just reached her
hundredth birthday. He asked, "To what do you attribute your remarkable good
health?" She said, thoughtfully, "I've always
eaten moderately, worked hard, I don't smoke or drink and I keep
good hours."
The reporter questioned, "Have you ever been bedridden?" The elderly lady replied, "Of course, but don't put that in your
paper."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. He asks, "Brenda, may I come in? I've somethin' to tell ya."
Brenda says, "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
Tim says, "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery....."
Brenda cries, "Oh, God no! Please don't tell me......"
Tim says, "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim and asked, "How did it happen, Tim?"
Tim replied, "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
Brenda says, "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
Tim says, "Well, no Brenda...no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down on the bar. About that time, a monkey swings across the bar and pisses in the beer.
The man asks the bartender who owns the monkey. The bartender replies, "The piano player".
The angry man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey pissed in my beer?"
The pianist replies, "No, but if you hum a little of it, I'll try to play it."
Two men were sitting at a bar at the top of a skyscraper. Both were bending their elbows at a steady rate. The first man said, "You know, there's such an updraft on the outside of this building, that if you jump off, you'll fall for a bit, but the updraft will catch you, and bring you right back up to this balcony.
The second guy said, "I don't believe it."
So the first guy goes over the balcony and jumps off. He falls and falls and falls, and then he slows in mid drop, and begins rising back up. Finally, he lightly steps back onto the balcony. "See, I told you," he says.
The second guy says, "I've got to try that." So he jumps off the balcony, and falls and falls and finally.....splat on the ground.
The first guy returns to the bar and orders another drink.
As he serves the drink, the bartender says, "You're mean when you're drunk, Superman."
That's it for today, my little sugar snaps. Remember, when it comes to racism, you hear people say, "I don't care if people are white, black, purple or green." Hold on now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
I'm heading to AREA 51 for happy hour. Maybe I'll meet a green chick.... Nah, probably not, Easter is too far away. More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !
