Was That You?

I believe that the Creator made two minor errors when creating man. I think that both urine and flatulent gas should be brightly colored. This would accomplish two things. It would a) identify the perpetrator and b) warn others of impending toxic exposure and singed nostril hair.

A former U.S. Olympic swimmer in an interview said that nearly all elite competitive swimmers pee in the pool regularly. So apparently I am an elite competitive swimmer. But just imagine if the color of the peepee was dayglow orange. Identification of the culprit would be rather easy unless the cowardly swimmer waited until he was standing in a group. 

As for flatulence, methinks the escaping gas should be a bright maroon for non-lethal flatulence and a glowing purple for the more toxic flatulence known as "SBD" (Silent But Deadly), which is totally inaudible but causes all the occupants in a room to collapse. Additionally, flatulence would discolor the perpetrator's clothing.

This would immediately identify the culprit in the a crowded elevator. The only possible drawback would be if a midget was directly in the line of fire of the flatulator, thus causing a slight discoloration of the his face.

As for me, these color codes, especially SBD purple, would have protected me from flatulence from both Brother Kirt and our dog Beanie, both of whom were cruel experts in the art of sitting down beside me and discharging SBD's.

The News As I See It: The newest Olympic scandal is that eight female badminton players were expelled for trying to lose on purpose. Tragically, they'll never have another chance to play badminton...unless they get invited to a picnic.

Seriously, the Olympic badminton players were apparently trying to lose on purpose. But really, think about it, if you train day and night for four years to be in the Olympics for badminton, in a way, haven't you already lost?

The U.S. team has swept all the medals in the skeet shooting event. So despite our bad economy, it's nice to know our country has never been safer from an attack of skeets.

This Date In History: 1492; Columbus set sail from Palos, Spain. 1914; Germany declared war on France. 1923; Calvin Coolidge was sworn in as the 30th president of the United States, following the death of Warren G. Harding.

1949; The National Basketball Association was formed. 1958; The nuclear-powered submarine Nautilus became the first vessel to cross the North Pole underwater. 1981; U.S. air traffic controllers went on strike.

1987; A 22-cent stamp honoring author William Faulkner was issued. Its first-day cancellation was held in Oxford, Miss., where Faulkner had served as postmaster from 1921 until his resignation in 1924; following accusations of negligence. 1987; The Iran-Contra hearings ended.

Picture Of The Day: Have you ever wondered how some colleges come up with their school logo?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I kind of feel bad for Obama. Look at the mess he's going to inherit if he gets re-elected. 2) My ex-wife once left a note on the fridge that read, "It’s not working. I can’t take it anymore! Gone to stay at my mom’s." So I checked the fridge. The light came on and the beer was cold. The fridge was working fine. I'm still not sure what the problem was. 3) The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less. 4) Some people are like Slinkies...not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs. 5) Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 3rd: Commenting on a nearby person's "peaches" may not go down too well today. Avoid all sexy language in your lunch break. Try to avoid reading dusty old books that call themselves "tomes." Chance of romance is 35.91 percent.

Birthdays: My good pal "Jumpin' Johnny G" Garnett - Happy birthday, my friend! 19XX, Elisha Otis, inventor of the elevator 1811, Rupert Brooke, poet 1887, P. D. James, mystery novelist 1920, Tony Bennett, singer 1926, Martin Sheen, actor 1940, Martha Stewart, entrepreneur 1941.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The party was really rocking when the host asked a very attractive blonde if she would like another drink. The sexy blonde bowed her head slightly and said, "No thank you. My husband limits me to one drink."

With that, the host asked, "Why is that?" The blonde coyly replied, "Because after one drink I can feel it and after two drinks, anyone can!"

A Polish man was walking down the street, carrying a brown paper bag. He ran into one of his friends, who asked, "Hey! What do you have in the bag?" The man tells his friend that he has some fish in the bag.

His friend says, "Well, I'll make you a bet. If I can guess how many fish you have in the bag, you'll have to give me one." The man says, "I'll go you one better. If you tell me how many fish I have in this bag, I'll give you both of them."
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Paula and Wally for their contributions to today's stories.

A blonde went the library and stepped up to the desk. She said to the desk clerk, "I would like a hamburger, french fries and a malt." The desk clerk said, "Shhh...this is a library."

The blonde said, "Oh I'm sorry, I don't know what is wrong with me." Then, the blonde leaned over close to the desk clerk and whispered, "I would like a hamburger, french fries and a malt."

A fellow was walking through a cemetery one dark and stormy night. As he got well into the cemetery, he heard a voice say, "Mark! Mark!". Pretending not to let it bother him, he pulled his coat a little tighter and kept walking. Again the voice said, "Mark! Mark!"

That did it. He took off full speed and didn't stop till he was well outside the gates. As he stopped to catch his breath, the moon broke through the clouds enough so he could see what had been following him. It was a dog with a hare lip.

That's it for today, my little bean sprouts. Remember, to steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. I'm off to AREA 51 for some wining and dining. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

What The Hell, Just Let 'Er Rip !

When I was young boy, I remember that my brother and I would always laugh when our father accidentally farted while coughing or sneezing. Those childhood thoughts continued to amuse me until recently, when I began to realize that I can't always count on all my body parts to work as a team.

Nowdays, I find that the occasional cough or sneeze might well be accompanied by a fart. If one is out and about, flatulation is far riskier than when one is in one's home. To make matters worse, the chances of a fart being lumpy makes the decision to "let 'er rip" even more dangerous.

Sadly, the days of the devil-may-care fart, albeit silent, are over. The humor in watching my cat Possum prick his ears when he hears a flatulent outburst and looks at me for its origin. The glare in his eyes when I fail to advise him of a silent but deadly air biscuit still cracks me up, but alas, far less often. Yep, it's just another thing one has to get used to in one's golden years.

The News As I See It: Oprah thankfully had her last show. Everyone in the audience got a car and a Stedman. Her show will be on reruns until September and then she will be replaced by Ashton Kutcher.

The Kardashian sisters announced that they are writing a novel. The only thing that would shock me more would be to find out that they’re reading a novel.

President Obozo told Queen Elizabeth that he likes the tea parties in England much better than the ones in the United States.

A new Facebook app is coming out that will remind users exactly what they were doing a year ago from that day. Nine times out of 10, the answer will be "wasting time on Facebook."

Kirstie Alley did a cartwheel on "Dancing With the Stars", but President Obozo is refusing to release the pictures.

Subway sandwich shops are testing out several upscale restaurants called Subway Cafes. They feature wood paneling, lounge seating, and other things to distract you from the tuna fish being served with an ice-cream scoop.

This Date In History: 1647; The first recorded execution of a witch reportedly took place in Massachusetts when Achsah Young was hanged. 1703; St. Petersburg was founded by Czar Peter the Great. 1936; The Queen Mary left England on its maiden voyage, arriving in France four hours later.

1937; Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco opened. 1941; British ships sank the German battleship Bismarck off the coast of France, resulting in the loss of 2,300 lives. 1994; Nobel-prize winning dissident, Alexandr Solzhenitsyn returned to Russia after 20 years in exile.

1996; After a year and a half of bloodshed, Russian President Boris Yeltsin met with the leader of the Chechen rebels and negotiated a cease-fire. 1999; Slobodan Milosevic was indicted by the International War Crimes Tribunal at the Hague for crimes against humanity.

Picture Of The Day: No theme, just pics that struck me funny. The picture of the day, however, is for my pal Paula, who attentively takes care of her little group of turtles in Texas.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Everyone always remembers that day a dog ran into your school. 2) When an octopus puts on deodorant, how does he remember where he started? 3) When signing a contract, keep in mind that "the big-type giveth and the small-type taketh away". 4) A friend is someone who will help you move. A good friend is someone who will help you move a dead body. 5) I wonder who was the first person to see a chicken and say, 'I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes out of that chicken's ass.".....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Gemini May 27th: You must be cautious to ensure that you can make a quick getaway should unexpected events occur. Music is likely to help you through today, so try to listen to as much as possible. Feeding stray cats may seem important to you today. Do it, you'll be the cat's meow (mix). It's ok, Possum S. Hemmingway loves it. Spanking....it's a word that will recur surprisingly often this week. Go with the idea, your partner will explain it to you.

Birthdays: Cornelius Vanderbilt, industrialist, financier 1794, Julia Ward Howe, author and social reformer 1819, Wild Bill Hickok, frontier marshal 1837, Dashiell Hammett, writer 1894, Rachel Louise Carson, biologist, author 1907, John Cheever, novelist 1912, Henry Kissinger, U.S. Secretary of State (1973-1977)1923.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A handsome young man stopped by the local bicycle to have his bike repaired. They couldn't do the work while he waited, so he decided to walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped at the feed and livestock dealer and picked up a chicken and a goose.

However, he had a problem. How to carry his entire purchases home. The feed store owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put the chicken under your arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" The young man said, "Hey, thanks!" and out the door he went.

In the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost and asked if he could tell her the way to 1603 Mockingbird Lane. The biker said, "As a matter of fact, I live near Mockingbird Lane. We can take a short cut down this alley and be there in no time".

As the started down the alley, the little old lady looked him over cautiously, and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The young man said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, a chicken and a goose. How in Hell could I possibly hold you up against a wall and do that?" The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chicken."

Old Aunt Cora went to a new doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation. She said to the doctor, "It's terrible! I haven't moved my bowels in more than a week." The doctor said,"I see. Have you done anything about it?" Aunt Cora replied, "Oh, yes. I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night." The doctor said, "No, I mean do you take anything?" Aunt Clara answered, "Just a magazine...

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contributions to today's stories.

A long time ago, a Jewish man was walking down the New Jersey boardwalk when he saw a sign in front of an attraction that read "Herschel the Magnificent Jew." Being Jewish himself, his curiosity led him inside for the show. When the curtains opened, there stood Herschel clad only in a bathrobe. He immediately open the robe and stood naked in front of the audience in all his glory. Herschel had the largest masculine equipment the old man had ever seen.

There was a wooden bench in front of Herschel and he put three large walnuts on it. He took his masculinity into his hands and he went "Whack! Whack! Whack!" and he smashed them into smithereens. The audience went wild with applause.

Twenty years later, the Jewish man was walking along the boardwalk and he saw the same sign, "Herschel the Magnificent Jew." Surprised, he went into the show and there stood Herschel in his bathrobe. He had not aged in all those years and he looked fantastic. He put on the bench three coconuts, took off his bathrobe, took his masculinity into his hands and went "Whack! Whack! Whack and smashed the coconuts into smithereens.

After the show, the old man went backstage and asked, "Mr. Herschel, why did you switch from walnuts to coconuts?" Herschel replied, "Vell, my eyesight, it ain't what it used to be..."

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" The little old man replied, "No, arthritis."

That's it for today my jelly rolls. Remember,you are not alone. Everybody's got a crazy person in their family. Call me crazy, but I'm heading to happy hour in AREA 51 for drinks. Have a fantastic weekend and more on Friday.

Stay Tuned !