Happy Independence Day !

Celebrating Independence Day (the Fourth of July) is possible because of the wise founding fathers of the United States of America and the men and women of all the armed forces, both past and present, who serve and protect this nation. As you enjoy this holiday weekend, please take the time to remember all of our soldiers and leaders who have served or are now serving America.

While our diverse cultures and beliefs allow us to celebrate our countries of origin, our gods and our ethnicity's, make no mistake that America, its people, its flag and its national symbols come before any other country, flag, or ethnicity.

To deny this is to deny the reason why America exists today and why we are able to express our thoughts and views, without persecution. If this view sounds unreasonable, then perhaps you're living in the wrong country!

Most people, especially the youth of today, are unaware of many of the stories behind our National Day of celebration. For those of you who study in school or enjoy history, the following may be just a stroll down memory lane.

For those of you that are unaware or have forgotten why we are a free nation today, the following is something you should not only be aware of, but should pass on to your children, as well.

Independence Day, commonly known as the Fourth of July, is a federal holiday in the United States of America commemorating the adoption of the Declaration of Independence on July 4, 1776, declaring independence from the Kingdom of Great Britain (now officially known as the United Kingdom).

Independence Day is commonly associated with various public and private events celebrating the history, government, and traditions of the United States. Independence Day is the National Day of the United States.

During the American Revolution, the legal separation of the Thirteen Colonies from Great Britain occurred on July 2, 1776, when the Second Continental Congress voted to approve a resolution of independence that had been proposed in June by Richard Henry Lee of Virginia declaring the United States independent from Great Britain.

After voting for independence, Congress turned its attention to the Declaration of Independence, a statement explaining this decision, which had been prepared by a Committee of Five with Thomas Jefferson as its principal author. Congress debated and revised the wording of the Declaration, finally approving it on July 4th.

Historians have long disputed whether Congress actually signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, even though Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, and Benjamin Franklin all later wrote that they had signed it on that day. Most historians have concluded that the Declaration was signed nearly a month after its adoption, on August 2, 1776, and not on July 4 as is commonly believed.

In a remarkable coincidence, both John Adams and Thomas Jefferson, the only signers of the Declaration of Independence later to serve as Presidents of the United States, died on the same day: July 4, 1826, which was the 50th anniversary of the Declaration.

Although not a signer of the Declaration of Independence, another Founding Father who became a President, James Monroe, died on July 4, 1831, thus becoming the third President in a row who died on this memorable day.

Calvin Coolidge, the 30th President, was born on July 4, 1872, and, so far, is the only President to have been born on Independence Day.

 

The News As I See It: Seven Stones is a traditional game played in the Middle East where teams compete to build and destroy a pile of rocks. It is currently being televised on Iranian television and is very popular. "Seven Stones" is followed by "How I Met Your Mullah."

Fidel Castro made a rare appearance on Cuban television. It’s a new show called "Cuba’s Got Talent, but America’s Got Food, Water, Shelter, and Medicine."

What to make for the Fourth of July weekend? Hamburgers and hot dogs get a lot of attention, but the Fourth is really the blueberry's day to shine. When you need a blue food to round out your red, white, and blue items, there's nowhere else to turn but the blueberry. Every year, the blueberry has it right where it wants us. I say good for the blueberry. It deserves it.

This Date In History: 1776; The U.S. declared independence from Great Britain. 1826; Former presidents John Adams and Thomas Jefferson both died. 1831; Former president James Monroe died. 1845; Henry David Thoreau moved into his shack on Walden Pond.

1862; Lewis Carroll first told the story of Alice's Adventures Underground to the Liddell sisters. 1884; The Statue of Liberty was presented to the United States in Paris. 1895; Katharine Lee Bates published America the Beautiful.

1939; Lou Gehrig, stricken with ALS, made his farewell at Yankee Stadium. 1976; The United States celebrated its bicentennial. 1997; The U.S. Pathfinder probe landed on Mars.

2012; The European Organization for Nuclear Research, also known as CERN, announced the discovery of a new particle with properties consistent with the Higgs boson.

Picture Of The Day: This picture says it all !

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to a woman and not being able to remember her name, how I met her, or why she's handcuffed to me. 2) When I first met my future ex-mother-in-law, I could already visualize the duct tape over her mouth. 3) A bank just opened near me and has a sign that says "24 Hour Banking" but I don't have that much time. 4) I spoke to a doctor yesterday and he suggested that a combination of wine, women and song often shortens a man's life. If that's true, I may start singing karaoke less often. 5) The reason that men chase women they have no intention of marrying is the same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 4th: This weekend will be great for you and yours. Don't let minor skirmishes frustrate you. The greatest things in life are free so stop and smell the proverbial roses. Remember, whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies and kittens

Birthdays: Nathaniel Hawthorne, author 1804, Giuseppe Garibaldi, Italian patriot 1807, Stephen Foster, composer 1826, Calvin Coolidge, 30th President of the United States (1923–1929) 1872, Rube Goldberg, cartoonist and sculptor 1883, Louis B. Mayer, movie executive 1885, Meyer Lansky, mobster 1902, Ann Landers, advice columnist 1918, Abigail Van Buren, advice columnist 1918, Eva Marie Saint, actress 1924, Neil Simon, playwright, producer 1927, Gina Lollobrigida, model, actress 1927, George Steinbrenner, owner of NY Yankees 1930.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasms'."

Ethel continued, "You know,  mutual orgasms here and mutual orgasms there. That's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasms?"

Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."

 A Jewish man is walking on Miami Beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that’s my wish."

The genie looks concerned, then says, "No, I’m sorry, that’s just not possible. Some things just can’t be changed. Do you have another wish?"

The guy says, "Well, my whole life I’ve never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says, "How would you define peace?"
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says, "What the hell was that all about?"

During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related paraphernalia. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears. The Air Force Pilot said, "Hmmm.....and all these years, I've been chewing gum."

That's it for today, my little sparklers. Remember, a clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. I have no idea who wrote that. AREA 51 is "iffy" tonight because there is a big Nascar race from Daytona tonight.

Have a great Fourth of July weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Happy Independence Day !

During the American Revolution, the legal separation of the Thirteen Colonies from Great Britain occurred on July 2, 1776, when the Second Continental Congress voted to approve a resolution of independence that had been proposed in June by Richard Henry Lee of Virginia declaring the United States independent from Great Britain.

After voting for independence, Congress turned its attention to the Declaration of Independence, a statement explaining this decision, which had been prepared by a Committee of Five, with Thomas Jefferson as its principal author. Congress debated and revised the wording of the Declaration, finally approving it on July 4.

A day earlier, John Adams had written to his wife Abigail, "The second day of July, 1776, will be the most memorable epoch in the history of America. I am apt to believe that it will be celebrated by succeeding generations as the great anniversary festival."

Adams continued, "It ought to be commemorated as the day of deliverance, by solemn acts of devotion to God Almighty. It ought to be solemnized with pomp and parade, with shows, games, sports, guns, bells, bonfires and illuminations, from one end of this continent to the other, from this time forward forever more."

Adams's prediction was off by two days. From the outset, Americans celebrated independence on July 4, the date shown on the much-publicized Declaration of Independence, rather than on July 2, the date the resolution of independence was approved in a closed session of Congress.

The News As I See It: A Rasmussen poll recently reported that 41% of Americans were unaware that the Supreme Court upheld Obamacare.....and people wonder how Obama got elected. Maybe the nightly news should be combined with programs like "Jersey Shore" or "American Idol" so that the sheep become aware of their surroundings, if only by osmosis.

A man is filing a lawsuit against Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, claiming they have ties to al-Qaida. When al-Qaida heard this, they said, "Please do not lump us in with those assholes."

A United Airlines passenger has filed a complaint after a maintenance man dropped superglue on her head on a flight to Houston. I don’t know what’s scarier — that a passenger got superglue on her head or that United fixes their airplanes with superglue.

This Date In History: 1776; The U.S. declared independence from Great Britain. 1826; Former presidents John Adams and Thomas Jefferson both died. 1831; Former president James Monroe died. 1845; Henry David Thoreau moved into his shack on Walden Pond.

1862; Lewis Carroll first told the story of Alice's Adventures Underground to the Liddell sisters. 1884; The Statue of Liberty was presented to the United States in Paris. 1895; Katharine Lee Bates published America the Beautiful.

1939; Lou Gehrig, stricken with ALS, made his farewell at Yankee Stadium. 1976; The United States celebrated its bicentennial. 1997; The U.S. Pathfinder probe landed on Mars.

Picture Of The Day: God Bless America !

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I met her in a revolving door and I've been going around with her ever since. 2) We had a great neighborhood watch going when I was a kid until she closed her curtains. 3) My buddy and I were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage and values. My buddy said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" I said, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?" 4) The people with the ugliest feet are inevitably the ones who wear flip-flops. 5) My grandfather was hard of hearing. He needed to read lips. I didn’t mind him reading lips, but he used one of those yellow highlighters......and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 4th: Chances are that your day will end with bang, hopefully with all of your digits intact. I wouldn't have too many drinks at the holiday barbecue if you are going to be involved with the fireworks display. Chance of romance is 91.34 percent if you don't mind a sweaty partner.

Birthdays: My pal Teresa - Happy Birthday Beetle Baby 19XX, Nathaniel Hawthorne, author 1804, Giuseppe Garibaldi, Italian patriot 1807, Stephen Foster, composer 1826, Calvin Cooledge, 30th president of the United States 1872, Rube Goldberg, cartoonist and sculptor 1883.

Louis B. Mayer, movie executive 1885, Meyer Lansky, mobster 1902, Ann Landers, advice columnist 1918, Abigail Van Buren, advice columnist 1918, Eva Marie Saint, actress 1924, Neil Simon, playwright, producer 1927, Gina Lollobrigida, model, actress 1927, George Steinbrenner, owner of NY Yankees 1930.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a freakin' checking account." To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?" The old guy repeats, "Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a freakin' checking account right now." The teller replied, "Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"

The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?" The old guy says, "There's no damn problem. I just won $50 million in the lottery and I want to open a freakin' checking account in this damn bank!" The manager replied, "I see, sir, and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

A man bought a new Ford F 250 Tri-Flex Fuel Truck Go which runs on either hydrogen, gasoline or ethanol. A week later, he returned it to the dealer because he couldn't get the radio to work. The service technician explained that the radio was voice activated.

The technician said to the radio, "Nelson!" The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?" The tech said, "Willie!" He continued and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers. Then he said, "Ray Charles!" and in an instant, "Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.

The man drove away happy and for the next few days, every time he'd say, "Hank Williams Jr"  he'd get beautiful country music, and if he said, "Beatles", he'd get one of their awesome songs.

The next day, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed his new truck. Luckily, he swerved in time to avoid him. He rolled down his window and yelled, "Asshole!" Immediately the radio responded with, "Ladies and gentlemen, The President of The United States."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to a group of Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting or trapping the predators, these two groups were offering a "more humane" solution.

What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and turned loose again. Thus the population would be controlled. No kidding, this was actually proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the U.S.F.S.

The ranchers listened to the presentation and then sat there in a sort of dumb-found silence, trying to make sense of the amazing proposal they had just heard. Finally, an old boy in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand our problem. Those coyotes ain't screwin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!"

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room, the first surgeries of the day. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "Circumcision." The second kid replies, "Whoa! Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

That's it for today, my little sparklers. Remember, the reason scuba divers always fall off their boats backwards is that if they fell forward, they'd still be in the friggin’ boat. AREA 51 festivities will be held at my place today. Stop by and I'll make you a drink. Have a great Fourth of July and more on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Happy Birthday America !

Happy Fourth of July America and especially to the men and women of the armed forces both past and present. I would also like to thank the many of you who took the time to pay attention in High School history class to recognize the importance of this date. A poll was taken recently which reflected that many Americans did not know the meaning of Independence Day.

The Marist Poll released in honor of America's Independence Day, July 4, showed 58 percent of residents aware their country declared independence in 1776. Twenty-six percent were unsure and 16 percent named another date.

Younger Americans, those under 30 years of age, were less likely to have the correct answer with 31 percent, compared to Americans between the ages of 45 and 59 who said 1776, 75 percent of the time.

One in four Americans also didn't know from which country the United States seceded, with 76 percent correctly naming Great Britain, 19 percent unsure and 5 percent naming another country, probably Mexico.

The survey of 1,003 adults was conducted between June 15 and June 23 via telephone and had a sampling error of plus or minus 3 percentage points. Even if you eliminate the possibility that fence jumpers from our southern borders may have been included in the poll, the results are very sad, indeed.

The News As I See It: A lot of people are taking time off for the holidays. For instance, Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is going away for a while. Blago could do 300 years - unless he’s pardoned by Oprah.

Today we’re celebrating our independence from the British. I hope that in a couple years, we’ll be able to celebrate our independence from the Chinese.

Anthony Weiner is no longer a congressman, but he wants to pick his replacement. Now there's a great endorsement.....

They’ve found a link between chemicals in shampoo and obesity. If you’re eating shampoo, your weight is the least of your concerns.

The Senate canceled their vacation to work on the budget. Either they really can’t agree or they’re looking for an excuse to not go on vacation with their families.

This Date In History: 1776; The U.S. declared independence from Great Britain. 1826; Former presidents John Adams and Thomas Jefferson both died. 1831; Former president James Monroe died. 1845; Henry David Thoreau moved into his shack on Walden Pond.

1862; Lewis Carroll first told the story of Alice's Adventures Underground to the Liddell sisters. 1884; The Statue of Liberty was presented to the United States in Paris. 1895; Katharine Lee Bates published America the Beautiful.

1939; Lou Gehrig, stricken with ALS made his farewell at Yankee Stadium. 1976; The United States celebrated its bicentennial. 1997; The U.S. Pathfinder probe landed on Mars.

Picture Of The Day: 'Nuff said !

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Politicians should be limited to two terms: One in office and one in prison. 2) A backyard barbecue draws two things...flies and relatives. 3) I was once asked if I would run for office. Are you kidding? I've slept with too many women, done too many drugs and been to too many parties. 4) My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. 5) I take Viagra for obvious reasons but it also keeps me from accidentally rolling out of bed.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Cancer - July 4th: Your day will be filed with endless portions of food and bar-b-cue and end in excitement and fireworks (I am getting so good at this horoscope thing and today's date had nothing to do with my soothsaying.) Since I'm relatively sure drinks will be consumed this afternoon, refrain from getting involved in the lighting of any fireworks.

Birthdays: My pal Teresita. Happy Birthday Babe! 19XX, Nathaniel Hawthorne, author 1804, Giuseppe Garibaldi, Italian patriot 1807, Stephen Foster, composer 1826, Calvin Coolidge, American president 1872, Rube Goldberg, cartoonist and sculptor 1883, Louis B. Mayer, movie executive 1885.

Meyer Lansky, mobster 1902, Ann Landers, advice columnist 1918, Abigail Van Buren, advice columnist 1918, Eva Marie Saint, actress 1924, Neil Simon, playwright, producer 1927, Gina Lollobrigida, model, actress 1927, George Steinbrenner, owner of NY Yankees 1930.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." The neighbor replied, "Really? What kind is it?" The old man said, "Twelve thirty."

Sam and Bessie are senior citizens, and Sam has always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing them on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?" Bessie says, "What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants."

Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says, "Bessie, do you notice anything different?" Bessie says, "What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down again tomorrow."

Angrily, Sam yells, "It's hanging down because it's looking at my new boots!!" Bessie replies, "You shoulda bought a hat!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Police Officer O'Leary is cruising around in his patrol car one night. He's on the lookout for trouble. He sees two little old ladies in the front seat of a Chevrolet convertible, parked in a used car lot. The car lot is closed so O'Leary drives up alongside the Chevy and asks, "Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?" One of the ladies says, "Certainly not. We purchased the car this afternoon."

The cop says, "Well, why don't you start it up and drive out of here?" The other little old lady answers, "We don't drive and besides, we are waiting." The cop says, "What are you waiting for?" The old lady sitting in the drivers seat replies," We were told that if we ever bought a car from here we would get screwed."

Murray and Maude met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Murray asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink.

Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Murray for a most enjoyable roll in the hay. As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts. Murray was thinking, "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler." Maude was thinking, "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my pantyhose."

That's it for today my little cherry bombs. Remember, there are very few problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Have A Great Fourth Of July Weekend !

It's Fourth of July weekend and I hope that everyone takes the time this weekend to remember the men and women, both past and present, who have stood and fought to preserve the freedom and liberty of the greatest nation on Earth.

Like all long weekends, there will be a lot of amateurs imbibing this weekend so keep that in the back of your mind. You don't want Billy Bob crashing into your ass while he's busy holding a Budweiser in one hand while using his other hand to throw cherry bombs from moving his truck.

The anticipated and properly organized fireworks shows are always enjoyable to see but from a personal viewpoint, I'm hoping that there are thunder storms in my neighborhood because it keeps the local idiots from detonating their usual 20 tons of TNT. Sometimes, rain is good !

There are always a lot of injuries due to the mishandling of fireworks, most due to ignorance of how to handle same. A few years ago, a young lady was killed because she decided to look into a mortar set-up (used to launch the fireworks into the air) that seemed to have fizzled. When she looked into the sleeves that hold the fireworks, it detonated. This is tantamount to looking into a mortar launcher used in warfare. Fireworks should be handled by professionals, and ignorance of this fact usually results in injuries or death.

The News As I See It: Sunday is July 4, which means three days of drinking responsibly. If you’re planning to use fireworks this year, it’s important to check local laws and figure out how you can get around them. July 4th is that special day when America combines our two favorite pastimes: alcohol and explosives. The fireworks are beautiful to look at, but more importantly, they drown out the gunfire.

Larry King has announced his retirement, saying he wants to spend more time with his wives. Larry has really been trying to slow down since his recent death. In my eyes, Larry really is a king, but, then again, I also think Wolf Blitzer is a wolf. Larry is retiring from the show because it's too hard to juggle a television show, a marriage, and an affair with his wife's sister.

This Date In History: 1566; French astrologer, physician, and prophet Nostradamus died. 1881; President James Garfield was shot by Charles Guiteau; he died on Sept. 19. 1890; Congress passed the Sherman Antitrust Act. 1937; Amelia Earhart and her co-pilot Fred Noonan disappeared over the Pacific Ocean while attempting to fly around the world.

1964; President Johnson signed the Civil Rights Act of 1964 into law. 1976; In Gregg v. Georgia, the Supreme Court ruled that the death penalty was not inherently cruel or unusual. 1997; Actor James Stewart died in Beverly Hills, California. 2002; Steve Fossett became the first to circumnavigate the globe solo in a balloon.

Picture Of The Day: July 4th is a day for patriots and that suits me just fine. Today's pictures are symbolic of this date (well, except for the last two).

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait...that would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. 2) Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any ol' person vote. 3) Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have. 4) There used to be a house on our block that we thought was haunted, because you'd hear people screaming inside and because people who went in never came out. Later on we found out it was just a murderer's house. 5) To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Thomas Cranmer, archbishop of Canterbury 1489, Hermann Hesse, novelist and poet 1877, Tyrone Guthrie, stage director, playwright 1900, Hans Bethe, physicist 1906, Thurgood Marshall, U.S. lawyer and Associate Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court (1967–91) 1908, Richard Petty, auto racing driver 1937, Ron Silver, actor 1946, Jose Canseco, baseball player and steroid user 1964.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance.

She arrives in front of God and complains, "I thought you said I had another 30 years?" God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: God summons St. Peter and says, "St. Peter, we have a problem. Heaven is full. However, we have a number of high-profile candidates waiting at the Gates, and we are suffering from falling popularity. So, I'm going to throw out Mother Teresa and let in one of the celebrities at the gate. You'll have to go and decide who is most suitable."

St. Peter goes down to the Pearly Gates and finds Gianni Versace, Elton John and Princess Diana waiting for him. He says, "I'm afraid I can only let one of you in, so each of you must come up with a reason why you should be admitted to Heaven."

Gianni Versace says, "I was Earth's greatest designer. I will outfit the cherubs and angels in all the latest fashions -- long silky gowns, satin cloaks and nightwear spun from the very clouds we stand on. Heaven will never have looked better." Elton John says, "I've been gifted with one of the most beautiful voices to ever grace the earth. I'll spend my time in Heaven singing praises to God with the choirs of angels. Heaven will never have sounded better."

Diana blushes a little, looks around nervously and seems unable to find something suitable to say. Suddenly, she strips off her skirt and panties, whips out a bottle of Perrier, shakes it up and douches with it. St. Peter says, "OK, Diana, you may enter. Have a nice day!"

Gianni Versace and Elton John are mortified. Elton John cries, "What's going on here? We could make heaven look and sound better than ever before, and she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, but she gets in and we don't!" St. Peter just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Sorry, guys, but a royal flush beats a pair of queens any day."

Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Leave this pub right now!" He then approached a second man and asked, "Do you want to got to heaven?" The man's replied, Certainly, Father!" The priest said, "Then leave this den of Satan!"

Father Murphy then walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole replied, "No, I don't Father." The priest looked him right in the eye and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die. Yes Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

The news is full of stories about people suing large companies for complaints caused by their own errors or mistakes. Many of these people actually win some of theses suits. A man sued a major tobacco company because he got lung cancer after smoking cigarettes for 30 years....and won! An overweight woman sued Burger King because her arteries were clogged with fat after eating a whopper, french fries and a large milk shake for 25 years....and won!

Another woman sued McDonalds because she burned her mouth after ordering hot coffee....and won! Many of the National Basketball league players have sued their alma maters because they still could not read after graduating from college....and they won! My question is: Can I sue Budweiser for all of the ugly women I've slept with?

That's it for today my little firecrackers. Remember, life is like a bird. It's pretty cute until it shits on your head. I'm going to AREA 51 and check out the sparklers. Have a great fourth of July weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !