On this beautiful Labor Day, I've begun to notice how people react to growing older, including myself. The first time I really noticed was the day one of my friends complimented me on my new alligator shoes and I was barefoot.
The little idiosyncrasies of life are becoming more noticeable. At first, it was the little things.
I realized I no longer cared where my girlfriend went, as long as I didn't have to go with her. Little things bother me like being cautioned to slow down by my doctor instead of the police.
The term "getting lucky" now means remembering where I parked my car. An "all nighter" used to have a more significant meaning. Now it means not having to get up in the middle of the night to go pee.
It's not just me, either. When one of my buddies tells me he's, "getting a little action", he means he didn't need to take any fiber that day.
But, there's a good side of things too. I've now realized that any man could have the mind and body of a 30-year-old, as long as he buys her a few drinks first. See, a younger man may know the rules but the older man knows the exceptions.
Yep, I can remember every detail of my life story. I just can't remember how many times I've told have the same person. One thing is for sure. As I've grown older, my memory isn't as good as it used to be. Also, as I've grown older, my memory isn't as good as it used to be......
The News As I See It: Colorado has made nearly $30 million in taxes from marijuana sales. That's in addition to the $40 million they made taxing Doritos. It goes hand-in-hand.
A town in Minnesota elected a dog named Duke as its mayor. Yep, they elected a mayor that pees on the street, sleeps on the floor and eats out of the garbage.
The city of Toronto said, "Been there!"
A new poll found that Obama's approval rating has hit a new low of just 40 percent. Or as Obama put it, "60 under par!"
This Date In History: 1807;
Former U.S. vice president Aaron Burr was found innocent of treason.
1923;
A devastating earthquake struck the Japanese cities of Tokyo and Yokohama. Nearly 150,000 people were killed and more than two million left homeless.
1939;
World War II began when Nazi Germany invaded Poland.
1969;
A coup in Libya toppled the monarchy of King Idris and brought Muammar al-Qaddafi to power.
1983;
A Korean Air Lines Boeing 747 was shot down by a Soviet jet fighter, killing all 269 people aboard.
1985;
A joint U.S.-French expedition located the wreck of the Titanic 560 miles off the coast of Newfoundland.
2004;
Chechen terrorists took about 1,200 schoolchildren and others hostage in Beslan, Russia. Commandos stormed the school on September 3rd
Picture Of The Day: Maybe you can take it with you.....!
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I asked my mom once how she knew dad was "the one". She said, "Because DNA tests don't lie."
2) I wonder if anyone has anybody tried unplugging Obama and Congress and then plugging them back in?
3) Some psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person's confidence, but nobody in the park seemed to appreciate it.
4) Christina Aguilera named her baby girl "Summer Rain". That's profound. I think her source of inspiration must have been a can of Glade air freshener.
5) Somewhere a village is missing its' idiot. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm drunk and I can't remember where I live.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 1st: Look left and right before taking your next step. What you believe to be a good idea will prove to be wrong, especially if it involves a billy goat. Eat a live toad today and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the week, assuming you don't go with me to happy hour.
Birthdays: My friend Don - Happy Birthday 19XX, Engelbert Humperdinck,
composer 1854,
Francis William Aston,
physicist and chemist 1877,
Walter Philip Reuther,
labor leader 1907,
Rocky Marciano,
undefeated heavyweight champion boxer 1923,
Seiji Ozawa
conductor 1935,
Gloria Estefan
musician 1957.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running, reaches the edge and into the wind he goes
Meanwhile, his Ma and Pa were sittin' on the porch swing talkin' bout the good ol' days when Ma spots the biggest bird she ever seen!
Ma says, "Pa, look at the size of that bird! Pa gets up and grabs his 12 gauge shotgun. He takes careful aim and.....Boom! Boom!
The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops. Ma says, "Pa, I think ya missed him. Pa replies, "Yeah, but at least he let go of Bubba!"
An Asian man arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, and giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care and free education!" The passer-by hisses, "I'm not American, I am Mexican".
The man goes on and encounters another passer-by and says, "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!" The person says, "I am not American, I am from Nigeria."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops and says "Thank you for the wonderful America!" That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Pakistan, I am not an American!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an American?" She says, "No, I am from Russia!" So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Americans?" The Russian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says, "Probably at work!"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably. The other three gathered around him and asked, "What's wrong?"
Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes, Bob said, "I'm sorry, I always get emotional at this hole. It holds very difficult memories for me."
One of his buddies asked, "What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?"
Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, "This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole."
One of the other golfers said, "That must have been horrible!"
Bob said, "It was worse than that! Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice..."
An old Scot and a young Scot were sitting in the pub talking. The old man says to the young man, "Son, look out the window. You see that stone fence stretching out across the moor as far as yer eye can see? Well, I built that fence with me own two hands. But, do they call me MacGregor the fence builder? Nooooo."
The old Scot continued, "Now ya take a look up at the bar. See the perfectly constructed thing of beauty stretching across this great hall? Well, I built that bar with me own two hands. But, do they call me MacGregor the bar builder? Nooooo."
The old Scot said, "Now take a look toward the sea. Do you see that magnificent pier, sturdy and straight, unmoving againt the sea and all her wrath? Well, I built that pier with me own two hands. But, do they call me MacGregor the pier builder? Nooooo."
Then MacGregor leans in close to the young man and whispers, "But ya screw one goat….."
That's it for today, my little dilly dallies. Remember, the key ingredients for a successful diet are: Duct tape, rope, rat poison, a shovel, a bag of lime, a good alibi..... Wait! That's the wrong list.
As you were......
More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !
Happy Labor Day and I sincerely hope that if you actually happen to be having a baby, it will pass quicker than a kidney stone. If it's a boy, you can always name him George Meany. Of course, if you're one of the 23 million people looking for work, you're probably not having a barbecue.
I did get kick out of seeing an article in Spanish which read, "Feliz dia del Trabajo" which literally translates to "Happy Work Day." It loses a bit in the translation. In defense of Spanish, the U.S. is the only country which has a Labor Day holiday with exception of communist countries which have "Happy Forced Labor Day.
Suzzane Barr, a longtime aide to Homeland Security boss Janet Napolitano resigned late Saturday, the result of a sexual harassment lawsuit brought against her by several male employees at the department.
Immigration and Customs Enforcement Chief of Staff Suzanne Barr’s decision to quit comes two weeks after she took a leave of absence, in an effort to quiet down a media storm that erupted when the charges were first filed.
The suit was brought forth by New York’s top Department of Homeland Security official, James T. Hayes, serving as director of ICE Detention and Removal Operations in Washington, DC, where he oversaw about 8,500 workers and a US$2.5 billion budget.
In his 21-page affidavit, Hayes alleges straight, male ICE agents were discriminated against by Napolitano in favor of her lesbian girlfriend, Dora Schriro. The agents were also sexually harassed by Barr, who was hand-picked by Napolitano for the job. Lawyers representing Hayes said they were "pleased" with Barr’s resignation.
On a sad note, actor Michael Clarke Duncan died today at the age of 54. He was hospitalized in July following a heart attack. Duncan was outstanding in the movie "The Green Mile." Rest in peace, Mr. Duncan.
The News As I See It: I hope everyone has a successful Labor Day, a holiday where Americans take three days off from looking for a job.
Today begins the Democratic convention. Tonight's featured event is the swimsuit competition.
A former Navy SEAL has a book out that claims Osama bin Laden was unarmed when he was shot. The book is called, "Who Cares! He's Dead!"
This Date In History: 1189,
Richard I (the Lion-Hearted) was crowned king of England at Westminster Abbey.
1658;
Oliver Cromwell, the lord protector of England, died.
1783;
The Treaty of Paris officially ended the Revolutionary War between the United States and Great Britain.
1939;
Great Britain and France declared war on Germany during World War II.
1967;
Nguyen Van Thieu was elected president of South Vietnam.
1974;
Frank Robinson was named the first Black manager in major league baseball.
1976;
The unmanned U.S. spacecraft Viking II landed on Mars and took the first pictures of the planet's surface.
1978;
Pope John Paul I was installed as the 264th pontiff of the Roman Catholic Church.
Picture Of The Day: Absolutely one of the cutest pictures I've seen in a while. These are baby otter pups. Remember that any picture on my journal can be seen larger by simply clicking them.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Wal-Mart announced plans to open its first retail stores in India and China.
Tags on clothes and stickers on items will read, "Made Here." 2) Contrary to popular belief, Taco Bell is not a Mexican Phone Company. 3) Getting older is like a walk in the park where no one picks up after the dogs.
4) How can I be sure I've succeeded if I can't remember what I was trying to do?
5) My gas tank just went from zero to $50 in under a minute....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 3rd: Your brother is heavy, no matter what the song says. The oil in your lamp of life should keep burning 'til the break of day. Then again, it could spill over and set fire to your shoes. Romance is definitely in the air this today, although you may find it clouded by other emotions like your constant worrying about your brother's weight. He's fat, get over it.....
Birthdays: Mark Hopkins,
merchant, railroad developer 1814,
Sarah Orne Jewett,
novelist, writer 1849, Louis Sullivan, American architect 1856,
Edward Albert Filene,
merchant 1860,
Charles Hamilton Houston,
lawyer 1895,
Loren Eiseley,
anthropologist 1907,
Alan Ladd,
actor 1913.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A lady goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her hubbie. She doesn't know which one to get, so walks over to the register. A Wal-mart associate is standing there with sunglasses on. She says, "Excuse me sir, can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter I can tell you about it." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.
He said, "That's a 6 foot graphite rod with a Zebco 220 reel and a 10-lb test line. It's a good all-around rod and reel, and it's $20." She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register. As she bends down to get her purse, she farts. At first, she's embarrassed but then realizes that there's no way he would know it was her because being blind, he wouldn't know she was the only person there.
He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn't you say it was $20?" He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20, the duck call is $3 and the catfish stink bait is $2.50. Thank you for shopping Wal-Mart."
An old guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun.
He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day!
The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.
When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees:
Golf: $1.00,
Dinner: $1.00,
Room: $1.00,
Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00.
He asks the manager, "What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?"
The manager says, "I'm sorry, sir, but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost."
The old guy says, "If I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!"
The manager says, "That's right, sir, you could have. Over there, they get you by the room. Over here, we get you by the balls!"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
His wife asks, "What do you think you're doing?" The husband says, "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans."
His wife demands, "Put them back, we can't afford them." So they continue shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
The husband says, "What do you think you're doing?" His wife answers,
"It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we're making love."
Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser.....at half the price."
An angry husband, sitting next to to a sympathetic pal in the bar, said, "My wife's a damned liar!" His friend asked, "How do you know?" The husband said, "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley." His friend replied, So?" The husband replied, "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"
An elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV. When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age, the old man said, "Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!"
That's it for today, my little sugar cookies. Remember, you will probably scream the same way whether you're about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches your foot. That's it for now. More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !
