Do Facebook Political Views Cause Rifts?

"Moe" pastes liberal demagoguery, "Larry" is a conservative fomentor and "Curly" rides the tight-ass, politically correct, middle road. This annoys you, but you're friends. But you can avoid the social rants, maintain friendships and they'll never know.

Facebook posts can be shared and/or "copied and pasted", i.e. the information is copied from another site and pasted onto one's page. Most political and social propaganda posts have some dimwitted remark showing the person's agreement with the link's author and/or statement.

If you agree with the post and/or author, you heartily click the "like" button and the bolder express their comment(s), as well. If you disagree with the post and it irritates you, your choices are two-fold. You can bite your tongue or make a comment to the contrary. Therein lies the problem.

To spar or start a verbal war over inane rhetoric creates animosity. Furthermore, it can cause a rift between the people involved over a subject that will most likely fade to future black, but leaving a bitter taste in one's mouth.

Surely you don't want to unfriend your family member or close friend, but you're weary of their political or social views. Let's see if we can fix this problem, shall we?

Facebook posts have a caron (yep, it's called a caron and reversed, it's called a caret) in the upper right corner. If you click it, a list of choices drops down. Well, you don't want to "delete" your pal Moe and you don't want to "unfollow" Moe because he's a good source of humor. Nothing is gained by "Report post". But there is one more revised option that is not shown on this older version (it's all I could find).

The other option is "Hide all from ______.", (the link origination). You see, most propaganda (left or right) is funded, packaged and sent by "interested parties". An exaggerated example would be "Citizens Against Cartoons" or "Mothers Against Public Flatulation" or some other dimwitted or money scheming, political groups.

Eventually, Moe's propaganda posts begin to wane as you have requested that Facebook does not allow posts from that particular propaganda entity on your notifications.

So there you have it, my little "Acorns" (pun intended). Less propaganda without eliminating friends and family. Today's post comes to you courtesy of "Irishmen Against Idiots But United In Drink". (I made that up.....)

The News As I See It: Ted Cruz was asked about his weaknesses, and admitted that he's "hard-charging" and has stepped on some toes. Then he said, "But enough about my high school prom."

New York and New Jersey officials have agreed to reconstruct the Port Authority Bus Terminal in New York, and the project will cost an estimated $10 to $15 billion. .....and that's just to clean the bathrooms.

Donald Trump suggested that his campaign manager Corey Lewandowski, who has been accused of harshly grabbing a reporter at a rally, could have just been keeping her from falling down. Sure, and Bill Cosby was just helping those ladies get a good night’s sleep.

This Date In History: 1789; Frederick Muhlenberg of Pennsylvania was elected the first Speaker of the House of Representatives. 1933; The Nazi persecution of Jews began in Germany with a boycott of Jewish businesses.

1945; American forces landed on Okinawa during World War II. 1960; The first U.S. weather satellite, TIROS-1, was launched from Cape Canaveral. 1970; President Nixon signed a bill into law banning cigarette ads from radio and television.

1976 Steve Wozniak and Steve Jobs founded Apple Computer. 1979; Ayatollah Khomeini proclaimed the establishment of the Islamic Republic of Iran. 2001; Former Yugoslav President Slobodan Milosevic arrested on corruption charges.

2003; Private Jessica Lynch was rescued by U.S. commandos in a raid on an Iraqi hospital. 2004; President Bush signed the "Laci Peterson" bill making it a separate federal crime to harm a fetus during an attack on the mother.

2009; Sweden becomes the fifth European country to legalize same-sex marriage. The other countries with the same rights are The Netherlands, Norway, Belgium and Spain.

Picture Of The Day: In New York City, people are paying up to $100 for a "cronut," which is croissant-donut. We call these people "midiots," which is a moron-idiot.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again. 2) Every time my girlfriend stays over, we reenact the last scene from Titanic. She hogs the bed while I'm on the side hanging on for dear life. 3) I was considering remarrying the woman I divorced years ago, but she said I was only after my money 4) The easiest way to piss off a vegan is to refer to their choice of diet as an "eating disorder". 5) Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Popemobile.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 1st: People say you make your own luck, but carrying around a sign that says "Will work for beer" is probably not what they had in mind. You can freak people out in public restrooms by saying "come in" when they knock on the stall door, but it's probably a bad idea.

Birthdays: William Harvey, physician 1578, Otto von Bismarck,  statesman 1815, James Fisk, financial speculator 1834, Edmond Rostand, poet 1868, Toshiro Mifune, actor 1920, Milan Kundera, writer 1929, Debbie Reynolds, singer, dancer, actress 1932.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A student nurse found an elderly gentleman dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet. Since hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged, she brought the man a wheelchair. although he insisted he didn't any help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let the student nurse wheel him to the elevator. On the way down, she asked him if his wife was meeting him. He answered, "I don't know. She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a Colt .45 with eight rounds in the clip and one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife!"

A voice from the back of the room called out, "You don't have enough ammo!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: IMy thanks to my friend Julie for her contribution to today's stories.

In May of this year, police in Chicago announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 200 pounds of heroin and 25 trafficked prostitutes, all in a house behind the public library.

Local residents were stunned. A community spokesman said, "We're all shocked! We never knew we had a library."

An older couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know...the one that's red and has thorns?" The other man said, "Do you mean a rose?" The man said, "Yes, that's the one."

He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

That's it for today, my little sunflowers. Remember, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, except for grizzly bears. Grizzly bears will just kill you. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Back To The Future II - A Reality Check

Back to the Future Part II, the sequel of the Back to the Future trilogy, found Marty McFly and Doc Brown zipping 30 years into the future to save Marty's son from getting arrested. Reality and the movie version aren't quite the same.

If your mind's a bit rusty, Marty (Michael J. Fox) inadvertently sets in motion a chain of time-travel ripples that brings him back to a terrible, dystopian 1985. But there’s nothing especially nightmarish about the movie’s vision of 2015, which is a shiny, exciting world of hoverboards, flying cars and ’80s future-chic.

While I find the movie version entertaining, the reality of 2015 finds a memorial to the victims of the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks. Moreover, 2015 realities include an inept President Obama and Congress, ISIS Muslim terrorists, total disregard for the care of armed forces veterans, unrest and riots from black thugs and total disregard and respect for the police.

As for today, I'm going to forget our decaying society and watch Back To The Future II......

The News As I See It: Jeb Bush’s campaign has a contest now where someone will be flown to Houston to meet him, his dad, and his brother. No word on what the winner gets.

While accepting the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, Eddie Murphy did a Bill Cosby impression. Murphy’s Cosby impression was so accurate, nine women are suing him.

Donald Trump is now saying that his immigration policies would have prevented 9/11. Trump is also claiming his hair would have kept the Titanic afloat.

A high school student hacked the AOL email account of John Brennan, the director of the CIA. In other words, the student correctly guessed that the password of anyone still using AOL is "password."

Oprah Winfrey is buying a 10 percent stake in Weight Watchers. Oprah’s financial advisor asked her if she wanted to buy a large stake and Oprah said, "Oh, yeah!"

Volkswagen may be forced to buy back all the cars that failed to properly pass their emissions tests. Volkswagen officials say that’s fine — because they plan to resell them as rock concert smoke machines.

Joe Biden finally announced that he would not be running for the Democratic nomination for president. He milked it as long as he could, but finally gave up the ghost today. I wanted Biden to run if for nothing more than his continual grabs and gaffes. I guess it's going to be between the Liar and the Old Socialist.

This Date In History: 1797; The navy frigate U.S. Constitution, known as "Old Ironsides," was launched in Boston Harbor. 1805; Admiral Horatio Nelson died in the Battle of Trafalgar.

1837; Seminole chief Osceola was captured as he carried a white flag of truce during the Second Seminole War. 1879; Thomas Edison invented a workable incandescent electric lamp.

1959; The Solomon R. Guggenheim Museum of modern and contemporary art, designed by architect Frank Lloyd Wright, opened to the public in New York City.

Picture Of The Day: Following the adventures of "Clock Boy"Ahmed Mohamed, the family released a statement saying they had accepted a foundation's offer to pay for his high school and college in Doha, Qatar.

He recently visited the country as part of a whirlwind month that included an invited Monday stop at the White House to meet Obama and an appearance Tuesday at the U.S. Capitol. I wonder what he'll be studying?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) It's said that mother's milk is a perfect formula for the child and provides immunity against several diseases. Personally, I like the cute containers that it comes in. 2) Map Quest really needs to start their directions on number 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. 3) The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas. 4) I went to the National Schizophrenic Convention. Anybody who's everybody was there. 5) Kim Kardashian is more popular than Congress. And, like Congress, Kim's maximum capacity is 500 members.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - October 21st: The odds are that you'll see someone today that you physically and desperately desire. However, the risk may not be worth the reward. I know this to be true as I have been married twice and payback is hell.

Relax, have a beer and a slice of pizza. If you still have that feeling, smash your ring finger with a hammer. Trust me, you'll thank me for this advice once your finger heals.

Birthdays: Samuel Taylor Coleridge,  poet 1772, Alfred Nobel, Swedish chemist and inventor 1833, Dizzy Gillespie, musician 1917, Celia Cruz, singer 1925, Ursula K. Le Guin, writer 1929, Benjamin Netanyahu,  Israeli political leader 1949, Carrie Fisher, actress 1956.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Thousands of illegal immigrants continue to rally across the country, demanding a path to citizenship. Don't they understand that we already have a path to citizenship? It's called the San Diego Freeway.

A woman was in a coffee shop when she suddenly realized she desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so she timed her farts with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, she started to feel better.

As she finished her coffee that she noticed that everybody was staring at her. It was then that she remembered that she was listening to her iPod.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

She said to the doctor, "The hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?' The woman said, "On my balls, which is something else I want to talk to you about."

A Dublin student was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. The student, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car. He closed the door, only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.

The car started moving slowly. He looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. Paralyzed with terror, he watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, the student saw the lights of a pub appear down the road. Gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran towards the pub.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened and two people walked in from the stormy night. They, like the student, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, they saw the frightened student gulping a pint of ale at the bar. One said to the other, "Look Paddy, there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!"

That's it for today, my little roadrunners. Remember, as you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes and I can't remember the other two. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More on Friday.

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TSA Accepted Costco Cards As Identification?

Reports say TSA accepted a Costo card as identification. Peachy! A card that can be purchased by anyone for $50 is sure to keep us safe. What kind of world will we leave Keith Richards with imbecile government decisions like this?

On another note, Liberals are going apeshit because a 14-year-old Muslim boy was stopped for carrying a homemade clock to school. Uh.....why do you think school officials got nervous? I mean it's not like Islamic extremists ever blew up the Twin Towers or set off home-made bombs at the Boston Marathon.

Get real, people! The next time a suspicious or ticking package is found in public, let's have the children of a bleeding heart Liberal investigate and disarm it.

Meanwhile, Obama, in his infinite wisdom (or lack thereof) has invited the lad to the White House, This is the same Obama who invited the parents of Army deserter Bowe Bergdahl to the White house. Anyone see a theme here?

No word yet as to when Obama will invite the families of fallen soldiers and police officers to the White House. No tweets or podium remarks, nothing.....

The News As I See It: Doritos announced that they will be rolling out new Pride Flag-inspired rainbow-colored tortilla chips. In other news, Obama nominated an openly gay civilian to be the next Secretary of the Army. Coincidence or did I notice Obama clinging to a a bag of Doritos during the announcement.

Democratic presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders will be featured on the cover of Time Magazine this week. It’s part of their new cover series “People Who Still Read Time Magazine.”

The FEC does not let candidate names appear in the title of a Super PAC, Carly Fiorina’s organization has started claiming its name CARLY for America is an acronym that stands for Conservative, Authentic, Responsive Leadership for You and for America. And I think that shows her campaign is full of Strategic, Honorable, and Interesting Tactics.

People are getting excited about the pope’s upcoming visit. In fact, I read that a priest in Pennsylvania plans to show off a 500-thousand-piece Lego model of the Vatican that took him two years to build. Well, there's one priest whose vow of celibacy will never be questioned.

This Date In History: 1792; The French National Convention voted to abolish the monarchy. 1897; The New York Sun published its famous editorial, "Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus."

1937; The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkein was first published. 1938; A hurricane struck New York and New England with extensive damage and more than 600 deaths. 1949; The People's Republic of China was proclaimed.

1964; Malta gained its independence from Great Britain. 1981; Belize gained its independence from Great Britain. 1996; John F. Kennedy, Jr., married Carolyn Bessette.

Picture Of The Day: Say what.........?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I got new neighbors today. I hope they like my music as much as the last 5 families did. 2) I think that you should substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows, verbatim. 3) Sex Education should require people to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours and watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again. 4) Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza. 5) Wow man, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 21st: Love comes when you least expect it. 36 percent of all romances start in the bathroom. These two facts are linked and we point them out for your amusement and as something to look forward to. They say that every day is a winding road. This is especially true for you today when you find your new love walking down a winding road.

Birthdays: Heike Kamerlingh Onnes. physicist 1853, Herbert George Wells (H. G. Wells), English author 1866, Henry Lewis Stimson,  statesman 1867, Larry Hagman, actor 1931, Stephen King, author 1947, Bill Murray actor, screenwriter, comedian 1950.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Dottie and Edna, two older widows, are talking. Dottie says, "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.? I know you went out with him last week and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna replied, "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment dressed in a fine suit and he brings me beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs and what's there, but a limousine. He takes me out for a champagne and lobster dinner. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dottie, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!"

Edna continued, "Then, we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an animal. He tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Dottie says, "Goodness gracious! So you're telling me I shouldn't go out with him?" Edna answered "No, I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

A guy was in a bar about as drunk as it's possible to get. A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home.

First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down. He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.

After they get to his house, They pull him out of the car, falls again, they drag him to the front door, he falls down another four times at the door.

His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband home." The wife says, "Thank you so much. Where's his wheelchair?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road, the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket." The teacher said, "Very good, Joe."

Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched." The teacher, very pleased with the response so far said, "That's good too, Mary."

Then it was Barney's turn to tell his story. He said, "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen. She was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete." The teacher, intrigued, said "Go on."

Barney continued, "Aunt Karen drank the whisky on the way down to prepare herself, then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

The teacher exclaimed, "Good heavens, what did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?" Little Barney replied, "There sure was! Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking!"

A man and woman were having sexual problems and she asked him to see his doctor. The man said to his doctor, "I'm having trouble getting aroused."

The doctor examines him and says, "You'll need to have some work done to bring back your sex drive. I can do it in a series of operations that will take thirty days and cost twelve thousand dollars or I can do it in one operation right away that would cost thirty thousand dollars. Why don't you go home and discuss it with your wife?"

The next day the guy comes back into the doctor's office. The doctor says, "Did you talk it over with your wide?" The man nods is head. The doctor asks, "What did you decide?" The man says, "We're going to re-model the kitchen."

That's it for today, my little whippoorwills. Remember, much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.

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Saturday Night Bar Hopping

I escaped from the musician's retirement home Saturday night and took the opportunity to hang out with my friends Luly and Paul and go bar hopping. Fortunately, Luly did the driving, so I was free to drink and wander amidst the barnyard critters, unyoked.

I left my car at Crackers and we headed down to South Miami to listen to Jim Borgmann's Karaoke show. It was an enjoyable place and the karaoke singers seemed to be well fueled even before the show began.

From there, we returned to Crackers in time to hear Charles Ogden's last set of the evening and take a few pictures. Luly takes great pictures, so I didn't have to fumble with my Blackberry (which takes great pictures when I remember how it works).

Woody's Tavern was our next destination and we went there last because they were celebrating their fifth anniversary. To have gone any earlier would have just been an exercise in frustration (no parking or seats), as I'm sure it was packed. I ordered a scotch and, as usual, Luly began posting our escapades and pictures on Facebook.

There were a few strange people among the remaining audience and the band was finishing their last set. Little by little, the crowd was dispersing and the lights were beginning to dim. At a certain point, the only outside lights burning were the street lights, but I was having a great time with my friends, so I didn't really pay much attention.

The final inkling as to the time of night was when I asked Paul the time and he replied, "around 2 am." The evening was over and another great experience hanging out with my friends.....

I'm a Seenager (Senior teenager).  I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 50 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car. I have ID that gets me into bars and the liquor store. Women I hang around with are not afraid of getting pregnant and I don’t have acne. Life is good.​

The News As I See It: Hillary Clinton said she'd love to debate Donald Trump and Bobby Jindal said he'd love to be able to see over the podium. At the beginning of the summer, everyone thought Hillary Clinton was inevitable. But right now, in New Hampshire, she's 11 points behind Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders, proving that even people in New Hampshire can't tell the difference between their state and Vermont.

Ms. Clinton is clearly qualified for the office, but to be elected, that isn't enough. You have to appear genuine. If only there was some way we could get a glimpse into the private side of Hillary Clinton -- I don't know, read her emails or something?

Keurig announced that they are now offering pre-packaged cups that let you make instant Campbell’s Soup in their coffee machines. It's great for the person who wants to enjoy a cup of soup, then enjoy a cup of coffee that tastes a little bit like soup.

It is Fashion Week in New York, which is also known as “watch hungry women walk week.” Fashion Week, for those who aren't familiar, is the week that answers the question: How many emaciated teenagers will it take to convince someone to spend $10,000 on a dress?

A farmer in India is claiming that he’s made over $1 million in the last four years by selling bull semen, though you probably know it by its Hindi name, Mountain Dew.

Luly couldn't resist Crackers' Fried Bread Pudding 

This Date In History: 1814; Francis Scott Key composed the lyrics to The Star Spangled Banner. 1901; President McKinley died of gunshot wounds inflicted by an assassin. Vice President Theodore Roosevelt succeeded him. 1927; Modern dance pioneer Isadora Duncan died in Nice, France.

1940; Congress passed the Selective Service Act, providing for the first peacetime draft in U.S. history. 1959; The Soviet space probe Luna 2 became the first man-made object to reach the Moon when it crashed onto the lunar surface.

1982; Princess Grace of Monaco died from injuries sustained in a car crash the previous day. 1994; Acting commissioner Bud Selig announced the cancellation of the 1994 baseball season on the 34th day of a strike by players.

Picture Of The Day: As you can see, we literally closed Woody's Tavern as the people had gone and we were left with empty seats and an empty parking lot, Our only source of light was appropriately provided by the City of Miami Springs. It didn't matter, Paul and I were steeped in conversation about politics.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) For the person who lost a wallet that contained a number of $20 bills bound by a rubber band, I've got good news. I found your wallet and the rubber band. 2) I tell people that my parents are divorced, but technically, we lost mom in a corn maze years ago. 3) Poetry would be a lot harder if violets were orange. 4) My next door neighbor just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants. 5) My father once told me: "Son, you should never lie. One lie begets another lie, then another lie and before you know it, you're either a lawyer or a politician.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 14th: Tomatoes can be your best friend - go Red for the day (this horoscope is not sponsored by Heinz Ketchup or the Communist Part. Being sexy and being sexist are not one and the same. Avoid low-level lighting this week and any power lines that you might have to pass under.

Birthdays: Alexander von Humboldt, German naturalist and explorer 1769, Ivan Petrovich Pavlov, physiologist 1849, Alice Stone Blackwell, feminist 1857, Charles Dana Gibson, illustrator 1867, Margaret Sanger, feminis 1879, Constance Baker Motley, lawyer and jurist 1921. Amy Winehouse, singer, songwriter 1983.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The young reporter was interviewing a woman who had just reached her hundredth birthday. The reporter asked, "To what do you attribute your remarkable good health?"

The old woman replied, "Well, I've always eaten moderately, worked hard, I don't smoke or drink and I keep good hours."

The reporter asked, "Have you ever been bedridden?" The elderly lady replied, "Well, sure, but don't put that in your newspaper."

A priest was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

The priest asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection and a little boy raised his hand. The priest called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt and my friends Paul and Richard for their contributions to today's stories.

A woman was helping her husband set up a new computer. Once it was completed, she told him to select a password, selecting a word that he'll always remember.

The computer asked him to enter the password. He smiled wryly and typed, "mypenis." He hit the Enter key to input the selection and the computer replied, "Too short! Access denied!"

Charlie and his wife of forty years were lying in bed. Suddenly, his wife felt Charlie begin to massage her in ways he hadn't done in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.

Charlie proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. He proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As his wife had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?" Charlie responded, "I found the remote....."

That's it for today, my little mushrooms. Remember, if your wife or girlfriend says that she wants to make a sex movie, do not suggest that auditions be held for her part.

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More on Wednesday.

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