Saturday Night Bar Hopping

I escaped from the musician's retirement home Saturday night and took the opportunity to hang out with my friends Luly and Paul and go bar hopping. Fortunately, Luly did the driving, so I was free to drink and wander amidst the barnyard critters, unyoked.

I left my car at Crackers and we headed down to South Miami to listen to Jim Borgmann's Karaoke show. It was an enjoyable place and the karaoke singers seemed to be well fueled even before the show began.

From there, we returned to Crackers in time to hear Charles Ogden's last set of the evening and take a few pictures. Luly takes great pictures, so I didn't have to fumble with my Blackberry (which takes great pictures when I remember how it works).

Woody's Tavern was our next destination and we went there last because they were celebrating their fifth anniversary. To have gone any earlier would have just been an exercise in frustration (no parking or seats), as I'm sure it was packed. I ordered a scotch and, as usual, Luly began posting our escapades and pictures on Facebook.

There were a few strange people among the remaining audience and the band was finishing their last set. Little by little, the crowd was dispersing and the lights were beginning to dim. At a certain point, the only outside lights burning were the street lights, but I was having a great time with my friends, so I didn't really pay much attention.

The final inkling as to the time of night was when I asked Paul the time and he replied, "around 2 am." The evening was over and another great experience hanging out with my friends.....

I'm a Seenager (Senior teenager).  I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 50 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car. I have ID that gets me into bars and the liquor store. Women I hang around with are not afraid of getting pregnant and I don’t have acne. Life is good.​

The News As I See It: Hillary Clinton said she'd love to debate Donald Trump and Bobby Jindal said he'd love to be able to see over the podium. At the beginning of the summer, everyone thought Hillary Clinton was inevitable. But right now, in New Hampshire, she's 11 points behind Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders, proving that even people in New Hampshire can't tell the difference between their state and Vermont.

Ms. Clinton is clearly qualified for the office, but to be elected, that isn't enough. You have to appear genuine. If only there was some way we could get a glimpse into the private side of Hillary Clinton -- I don't know, read her emails or something?

Keurig announced that they are now offering pre-packaged cups that let you make instant Campbell’s Soup in their coffee machines. It's great for the person who wants to enjoy a cup of soup, then enjoy a cup of coffee that tastes a little bit like soup.

It is Fashion Week in New York, which is also known as “watch hungry women walk week.” Fashion Week, for those who aren't familiar, is the week that answers the question: How many emaciated teenagers will it take to convince someone to spend $10,000 on a dress?

A farmer in India is claiming that he’s made over $1 million in the last four years by selling bull semen, though you probably know it by its Hindi name, Mountain Dew.

Luly couldn't resist Crackers' Fried Bread Pudding 

This Date In History: 1814; Francis Scott Key composed the lyrics to The Star Spangled Banner. 1901; President McKinley died of gunshot wounds inflicted by an assassin. Vice President Theodore Roosevelt succeeded him. 1927; Modern dance pioneer Isadora Duncan died in Nice, France.

1940; Congress passed the Selective Service Act, providing for the first peacetime draft in U.S. history. 1959; The Soviet space probe Luna 2 became the first man-made object to reach the Moon when it crashed onto the lunar surface.

1982; Princess Grace of Monaco died from injuries sustained in a car crash the previous day. 1994; Acting commissioner Bud Selig announced the cancellation of the 1994 baseball season on the 34th day of a strike by players.

Picture Of The Day: As you can see, we literally closed Woody's Tavern as the people had gone and we were left with empty seats and an empty parking lot, Our only source of light was appropriately provided by the City of Miami Springs. It didn't matter, Paul and I were steeped in conversation about politics.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) For the person who lost a wallet that contained a number of $20 bills bound by a rubber band, I've got good news. I found your wallet and the rubber band. 2) I tell people that my parents are divorced, but technically, we lost mom in a corn maze years ago. 3) Poetry would be a lot harder if violets were orange. 4) My next door neighbor just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants. 5) My father once told me: "Son, you should never lie. One lie begets another lie, then another lie and before you know it, you're either a lawyer or a politician.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 14th: Tomatoes can be your best friend - go Red for the day (this horoscope is not sponsored by Heinz Ketchup or the Communist Part. Being sexy and being sexist are not one and the same. Avoid low-level lighting this week and any power lines that you might have to pass under.

Birthdays: Alexander von Humboldt, German naturalist and explorer 1769, Ivan Petrovich Pavlov, physiologist 1849, Alice Stone Blackwell, feminist 1857, Charles Dana Gibson, illustrator 1867, Margaret Sanger, feminis 1879, Constance Baker Motley, lawyer and jurist 1921. Amy Winehouse, singer, songwriter 1983.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The young reporter was interviewing a woman who had just reached her hundredth birthday. The reporter asked, "To what do you attribute your remarkable good health?"

The old woman replied, "Well, I've always eaten moderately, worked hard, I don't smoke or drink and I keep good hours."

The reporter asked, "Have you ever been bedridden?" The elderly lady replied, "Well, sure, but don't put that in your newspaper."

A priest was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

The priest asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection and a little boy raised his hand. The priest called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt and my friends Paul and Richard for their contributions to today's stories.

A woman was helping her husband set up a new computer. Once it was completed, she told him to select a password, selecting a word that he'll always remember.

The computer asked him to enter the password. He smiled wryly and typed, "mypenis." He hit the Enter key to input the selection and the computer replied, "Too short! Access denied!"

Charlie and his wife of forty years were lying in bed. Suddenly, his wife felt Charlie begin to massage her in ways he hadn't done in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.

Charlie proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. He proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As his wife had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?" Charlie responded, "I found the remote....."

That's it for today, my little mushrooms. Remember, if your wife or girlfriend says that she wants to make a sex movie, do not suggest that auditions be held for her part.

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More on Wednesday.

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Rocking Friday Night With Everett Strachan and CryWolf

I was fortunate to be in the company of Luly, Paul and friends for a great night at Woody's Tavern in Miami Springs on Friday. The entertainment was provided by my friends Everett and Crywolf. I was able to bribe the band and sit in for a song as well.

The rains threatened us all night but the team of Cosmos and Scotch fought back gallantly and toward the end of the night, we didn't care if we got wet, anyway.

Although I'm always in touch with my brother Everett, it had been too long since I had performed with him and perform we did! Both Everett and I ad-lib well and we just took a song and laid in down to the apparent delight of the crowd. Of course, it's easy to sound good with a great band like Crywolf.

The beautiful Luly was really nice to take the many pictures shown on today's post and, as usual, they all came out well. With me, after a few scotches, I'm fortunate to even remember I have a phone, much less take pictures.

Needless to say our group had a lot of fun and Everett and CryWolf were outstanding. Aside from their musical ability, outstanding harmony and vocals, the mark of a good group is to play songs that people want to hear and dance to....and that's exactly what they did!

As for me, I enjoyed myself immensely! The company was great, the music was fantastic and my sweet waitress Jenn took good of me. For the Miami locals, don't miss a chance to hear Everett Strachan and CryWolf.

The News As I See It: There are reports that Justin Bieber's next album will be released in November. As usual, Justin is expected to collaborate with a number of other artists including Skrillex, Diplo, Flipcoin, 2 Chainz, Lowdown and Rihanna. And yes, I made two of those names up.

Landlords who don't allow dogs but do allow children don't know very much about children.

This Date In History: 1807; Robert Fulton's steamboat, the Clermont, began its trip up the Hudson River to Albany. 1863; Fort Sumter, S.C. was bombarded by Union ships during the Civil War.

1896; Prospectors found gold in Alaska, a discovery that set off the Klondike gold rush. 1945; Indonesian nationalists proclaimed independence from the Netherlands.

1962; 18-year-old Peter Fechter was shot and killed by guards at the Berlin Wall, spurring riots. 1969; Hurricane Camille devastated the Gulf Coast, killing 248 people.

1978; The first successful trans-Atlantic balloon flight landed outside of Paris. 1987; Rudolf Hess, Adolf Hitler's second in command, committed suicide.

2008; U.S. swimmer Michael Phelps won his eighth gold medal, breaking the record set by Mark Spitz in the 1972 Games. Phelps also set the record for the most golds in a single Olympics.

Picture Of The Day: What better company can you ask for?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots and lisp. 2) So many Jehovah's Witnesses and yet not one will admit to seeing the accident. 3) There are no absolutes in this world.....except vodka. 4) My friend's daughter asked me what language they speak in England. This would have been cute if she wasn't 20 and in college. 5) Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 17th: The stars are pretty much describing a situation where a self-prescribed course of celibacy may help you regain the confidence that is lacking in your love life. Love comes in all shapes and sizes. By the time you find yours, all the good shapes and sizes will have gone.

Birthdays: William Carey, missionary 1761, Davy Crockett, frontiersman 1786, Marcus Garvey,  black nationalist leader 1887, Mae West, actress, comedienne 1893, Ted Hughes, poet 1930 V. S. Naipaul, author 1932, Robert De Niro, film actor 1943, Sean Penn actor 1960.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An older man and his wife were sitting at a table at their high school reunion, and the man kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

His wife asked, "Do you know her?" He sighed, "Yes, she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

His wife replied, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

A woman who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a novelty shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned her crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm.

She purred, "Want some of this?" Her husband looked down and replied, "Are you kidding? Look what it did to those panties!"
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. We even called up the lady next door and she tried too, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked. He asked, "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the damned jar open."

A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the fourth grade." The boy replied, "No, ma'am, I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race today."

That's it for today, my little mushrooms. Remember, bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.

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More on Wednesday.

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Jammin' With The REGS BAND At Woody's West End Tavern

My Friday AREA 51 adventures took me to Woody's Tavern to see my long time friend, Scotty Migone, who I have known since he was about 14 years old. Scotty is the talented lead-guitar player for The REGS BAND who performed at that evening.

I was also fortunate to be in the company of my friends Luly, husband Paul, and Debbie. Although it's been a while since I've listened to the REGS BAND live, they never disappoint me and their performance was outstanding.

The inimitable recording artist Scotty Migone

I arrived later than intended, forgetting the fact that the Florida East Coast railway subscribes to my GPS position and makes sure that we always cross paths. I think they stop the train and wait for me, to make sure I get to count every train car ever created. They even go out of their way to back up a half mile or so, in case I lose my count. Fortunately, my friends had a table close to the band and had saved me a seat.

We were lucky to have good weather as the venue is outdoors and, although it has a roof, the damn thing leaks when it rains.

Well, the night went on and I was really enjoying the music when my pal, Johnnie Walker Black, thought it would be a good idea to sit in with the band. Fortunately, Scotty knew the song I had in mind so.....I sat in. Onstage, I realized the key was too low for me, so I asked Scotty to change the key.

After a bit of fumbling, I got in sync with the band and we finished fairly strong. Sitting in with a live band and performing an unrehearsed number is no piece of cake, but when you're playing with pros, it doesn't take long to get on track.

After the last set, I got to spend time with Scotty, the band, and another old friend, Danny. In music, timing is everything and right after the set, there was a brief, but heavy thunderstorm. Just enough to cool the evening.....

The News As I See It: Obama recently announced that the U.S. will lead a huge multinational coalition to fight the terror groups in Iraq. Of course, most people just turned it off because they thought it was a rerun. In his big speech, he outlined his plan to quote "degrade and ultimately destroy" the terror group ISIS. When asked how, he said, "I’ll build their website."

British Prime Minister David Cameron went to Scotland this week to persuade citizens of the country to vote "no" on leaving the U.K. He said, “It's never worked out for anyone....well, except for America, Canada, Australia, India, and....never mind!

Obama announced in his speech the other night that he's sending 475 military advisers to Iraq. He's also sending 475 military advisers to the NFL. In his speech he also announced that he's counting on the support of an international coalition. Right now, we can't get the support of the International House of Pancakes.

When asked about the more than 1,000 US soldiers in Iraq, he replied, "They are advisers, not 'boots on the ground'. Besides, they don't count, they're wearing hush-puppies."

You know who's upset now with ISIS? Al-Qaida. It's because ISIS is getting more attention than al-Qaida. So now, next Saturday night will be Ayman al-Zawahiri bobblehead night.

This Date In History: 1789; The U.S. Department of Foreign Affairs changed its name to the Department of State. 1821; Costa Rica, Guatemala, Honduras, Nicaragua, and El Salvador gained independence. 1835; Charles Darwin and the HMS Beagle reached the Galapagos Islands.

1917; Alexander Kerensky proclaimed Russia a republic. 1935; The Nuremberg Laws deprived Jews of their citizenship and made the Swastika the official emblem of Nazi Germany. 1963; A church bombing in Birmingham, Alabama, killed four young black girls.

1989; Pulitzer Prize-winning author Robert Penn Warren, the first poet laureate of the United States, died. 2004; The National Hockey League lockout began. The 2004-2005 season would ultimately be canceled.

Picture Of The Day: A great night of fun with good friends and listening to the REGS BAND at Woody's Tavern in Miami Springs.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'm far less concerned with who let it out. I'm more curious as to why the damned cat was in the bag in the first place? 2) A murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins.....a herpe of Kardashians. 3) I'm sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences. 4) I'm not saying that her pants were too tight. I'm just saying that they wont fit if she misses a day of shaving her legs. 5) According to my Google history, I spent most of last Saturday night drinking scotch and trying to buy a llama.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 15th: "Pride goeth before the fall." This never happens if you remember the number one rule when socializing: "When in doubt, use the bar stool as a walker." Hit the wine slowly 'cause you know how you get. No chance of rain and a good chance of romance, especially if you finish the wine. Your choice of shoes may affect the evening.

Birthdays: My high school friend Gene and my former secretary and cherished friend Miriam - Happy Birthday 19XX, François de La Rochefoucauld, writer 1613, James Fenimore Cooper, American novelist 1789,  William Howard Taft, 27th president of the United States 1857, Bruno Walter, conductor 1876, Agatha Christie, story writer 1890, Jean Renoir, film director, writer 1894, Oliver Stone, filmmaker 1946, Dan Marino, NFL quarterback 1961.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An older professor concluded his lecture on "The Art of Observation" with a note of caution, "You don’t want to try these techniques at home." Somebody from the audience asked, "Why not?"

The old man said, "I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years. She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don’t you try carrying several things at once?'"

The person in the audience asked, "Did it save time?" The old man said, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too thin.

So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his ass.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new face. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?" He replied, "My darling, I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my friend Carole for her contribution to today's stories.

During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students, "If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies, "Wait a minute, I’m going to take a piss." The teacher says, "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Charlie answers, "I’m sorry I need to go to the toilet, I’ll be back in a minute." The teacher says, "That’s much better but to mention the word 'toilet' during a meal, is unpleasant."

Little Johnny says, "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend who I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner."

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School. So they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there.

One little boy said to the janitor, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?" The janitor said, "Sure." He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and play."

When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?" The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you. We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water. We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle you."

The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water!" The oldest one said, "Yeah!" The littlest one asked, "What do you think that means?" The oldest boy replied, "I think it means we're Pisscopalians."

That's it for today, my little aardvarks. Remember, do not worry about global warming and social security. The real crisis is the day elderly people learn how to text while driving.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !