The Good, The Bad And The Ugly Denizens Of Publix

I went shopping at Publix today. I had to....Samantha prefers wet cat food to dry cat food and I like my dry cat food with milk. Out of milk too. The drawback was that my feet were hurting badly, but listening to Samantha's faux woeful lament was worse. Additionally, Pepperidge Farms cookies were on sale (5 for $10).

I enjoy shopping at Publix. I know many of the people that work there from the managers down to the stock clerks. I recognize a lot of the shoppers as well. Most are pleasant with the exception of two groups that I abhor.

First and foremost are the shoppers who bring their rude and obnoxious litters who scream and run amok in the store. I usually suggest to them to practice safer sex. Secondly, there is a independent gaggle of really ugly women I refer to as cell phone ladies, who evidently have no lives as they wander from aisle to aisle with their cell phones up their ass.

On the upside, there are many good looking women who I usually accidentally trail. I occasionally run into old friends and some of the first lessons I learned as a single shopper was to eat before you go and always dress well.

I can't begin to tell you the number of women I have run into who I either knew or wanted to know in the early days when I figured, "What the hell. Who's going to see me?" They looked great and I looked like Nick Nolte's mug shot.

I saved about $30 today and most of the people who irritate me must have had their bail revoked because the store was relatively quiet with two exceptions.

My cart is always the one with either the bad wheel or takes three me to separate if from it's mate

The first group of people are those making their deli orders and apparently having lunch by consuming a sample of every freebie they can. The only thing missing was a quiet little table and a drink.

Today, the other was one of the cell phone ladies, yakking away, who for some reason was on the same circuit agenda as me, except in opposite directions.

Each time I entered an aisle, there she was in oncoming traffic. I attempted to resolve that by going past the next aisle figuring I'd double back to the lane I skipped. Alas, foiled again. She ran into another cell phone lady and they had a lovely four way conversation in the middle of the aisle.

On the way home, I remembered my military years and learning how to plant I.E.D.'s and land mines......

The News As I See It: On Grammy night, AC/DC received criticism after they used a teleprompter for their own song during the opening of the Grammys. I don't want to say they're getting old, but when they sing "Highway to Hell", they leave their right blinker on the whole time.

According to a recent survey, 12 percent of Americans say that it's fine to cheat a little on your taxes. While the other 88 percent know not to talk to a guy with a clipboard asking them if they cheat on their taxes.

Chinese President Xi Jinping is planning to make his first official state visit to the U.S. Although I’m worried it'll be a little awkward when he visits a school and says, "This factory is terrible."

It was revealed that, in 2011, Michael Jordan was signing a poster for Obama’s 50th birthday but spelled the president’s name wrong. The president made sure Jordan's name was spelled right when he had him audited by the IRS.

Rosie O'Donnell is leaving "The View" again. She treats that show like it's a time share in San Diego. Rosie says she's leaving "The View" to focus on her health (right). She said her doctors were concerned about all the stress that working an hour a day puts on the body.

This Date In History: 1805; Lewis and Clark's Shoshone guide Sacajawea gave birth to a son, Jean Baptiste. 1809; Robert Fulton patented the steamboat. 1858; Saint Bernadette of Lourdes first saw a vision of the Virgin Mary at Lourdes, France, leading to the foundation of the shrine of Lourdes.

1872; Muslims invented the condom using a goat's intestine. 1873; The British somewhat refined the Muslim's 1872 idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first. 1929; Lateran Treaty was signed, with Italy recognizing the independence and sovereignty of Vatican City.

1945; Yalta Agreement signed by President Franklin Roosevelt, British Prime Minister Winston Churchill, and Soviet leader Josef Stalin during World War II. 1970; Japan became the fourth country to put a satellite into orbit. 1979; Ayatollah Khomeini's followers seized control of the Iran government.

1989; The Episcopal Church Boston diocese consecrated Barbara Harris as the church's first woman bishop. 1990; South African resistance leader, Nelson Mandela, was released from prison after more than 27 years.

2011; As a result of the Arab Spring protests, Egyptian president Hosni Mubarak announces his resignation and hands power of the country over to the military. 2012; Pop star Whitney Houston died at the Beverly Hilton hotel in Los Angeles, the night before the annual Grammy Awards.

Picture Of The Day: The Deli is always the best part of the store

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) How are we expecting to cure diseases when, as a society, we can't figure out how to merge into traffic correctly? 2) Another "World's Oldest Man" has died. This is beginning to look suspicious. 3) The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.

4) A new study shows that unattractive people make better mates. Nice try, ugly scientists. 5) A guy stole my bike, so I got in a cab and said, "Follow that guy!" He said, "Sure, whats his twitter name?" We laughed and hi-fived and I need a new bike.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - February 11th: Changing your lifestyle and underwear are always a good start. If things start looking down, sit yourself down on the nearest swivelling chair and spin. If that doesn't raise a smile, then I'm all out of ideas. Hey, for what you pay me, that's pretty good advice.

Birthdays: Lydia Child, author and abolitionist 1802, Alexander H. Stephens, political leader 1812, Thomas Edison, American Inventor 1847, Sir Vivian Ernest Fuchs, geologist and explorer 1908, Joseph L. Mankiewicz, director, screenwriter, producer 1909, Eva Gabor, actress 1919, Farouk I, king of Egypt 1920, Burt Reynolds, actor 1936, Manuel Noriega, Panamanian General 1938, Sheryl Crow, singer 1962, Jennifer Aniston, actress 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A truck driver was driving along the freeway saw a sign that read, "Low Bridge" but, before he could stop, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police officer approaches, puts his hands on his hips, and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver replied, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says, "I don’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don’t get it."

The big alligator says, "What have you been eating?" The little gator says, "Lawyers, same as you." The big alligator asks, "Well, where do you catch’em?" The little gator answers, "Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp." The big alligator responds, "Hmmm...Same here. How do you catch’em?"

The little gator says, "Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite’em, shake the crap out of ‘em, and eat ‘em!"

The big alligator says, "Ah, I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin’ the crap out of a lawyer, there’s nothin’ left but lips and a briefcase."
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 'Ninety-nine'."

The old guy obeys and says,"99." The doctor says, "Great." Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99'." Again, the old guy says, "99."

The doctor says, "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'." The old guy begins, "One ... Two ...Three..."

During these serious and trying times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Christ as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters or the Liquor Store.

A famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know why men always want to marry a virgin?" To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism."

That's it for today, my little doodlebugs. Remember, marriage is betting someone half your stuff that you'll love them forever. I'm skipping AREA 51 tonight because there'll be some parties this weekend and I want to be there.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

There's One In Every Grocery Store

I have the innate ability to find the grocery store check out line that always has the weirdest person in the store. It is not an easy fete, but I am the champion.

On Sunday at 7 am, I once again located that particular person who evidently is the designated grocery purchaser for all the residents in the institution that she has been committed to.

I naturally look for the shortest line, but there is no particular way that one can recognize these creatures. To date, no one has ascertained from which rock these odd people crawl out from under. Once I choose a line and realize my poor choice, I am usually blocked in by two or three full grocery carts, replete with mischievous imps.

Naturally, these carts always have the entourage of little urchins, one of which mommy always chooses to load into the baby seat, despite the fact that the child is old enough to shave.

Trapped in line, my first indication that I was in trouble was when a rather lovely woman (always my downfall) seemed to panic when she couldn't find the separator bar, which defines where her order ends and mine begins (she literally turned to the next cashier and asked her for one).

Personally, I was rather sure the cashier could spot that imaginary dividing line where the flowering plants, organic foods, tofu and natural spring water stopped and the case of Corona beer, potato chips and deli fried chicken began. Then again, I am somewhat of a soothsayer.

As we progressed to the end of her order and the cashier announced her total, then, and only then did this nut job begin to dig into a purse so large it could have been used to carry her entire grocery order to the space ship. After searching for a while ostensibly to find her wallet and pay with cash, she pulled out a checkbook and began to write a check.

It was at that moment that I observed, "I guess this trip to the grocery store caught you a bit off guard, huh?" She glared at me and asked, "What do you mean?" I responded, "I probably would have put my checkbook at the top of that bottomless receptacle so that it would have been a bit easier to find. Let me guess, I bet it was hidden between the sleeping bag and the lawn chair, huh?"

As she walked away with a huff, with the bag boy in tow pushing her cart, I said, "Good luck finding your keys." She wasn't amused but the cashier and the surrounding shoppers seemed to enjoy the show.....

Sipping on his third glass of wine late on the sixth day, God put down his crayolas and admired his latest creation.

The News As I See It: California Governor Jerry Brown announced the state budget for next year is projected to net an $851 million surplus and this year they'll have a surplus of $785 million. It's a huge achievement for Governor Brown. Apparently you can get a lot done when you're not walking around saying "I'll be back" all the time.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton returned to work last week and as a joke, her staff gave her a helmet. This is the second time a Clinton in government has been asked to wear protection

A New Jersey gubernatorial political opponent is accusing Governor Chris Christie of praying for Hurricane Sandy. In response, Christie said the only weather-related thing he's ever prayed for is a Dairy Queen Blizzard."

American Express announced that it had to cut more than 5,000 jobs. Even worse is how they told their employees. They said, "American Express. Don't leave home."

New York Jet quarterback Tim Tebow is now selling his own line of headphones. You can tell they are Tim Tebow headphones. Once you hook it up to your iPod, it barely plays.

Sean Penn is in the movie "Gangster Squad". Penn is a villain who says crazy things and punches out good guys. I'm not sure what he does in the movie.

This Date In History: 1639; The first constitution of Connecticut, Fundamental Orders, was adopted. 1784; The United States ratified treaty with England ending the Revolutionary War. 1943; President Roosevelt and Prime Minister Churchill meet at the Casablanca Conference.

1953; Tito formally became the first president of the Republic of Yugoslavia. 1954; Marilyn Monroe married baseball legend Joe DiMaggio. 1963; George Wallace sworn in as Alabama's governor, promising "segregation forever."

1973; The Miami Dolphins became the first NFL team to go undefeated and have a perfect season by beating the Washington Redskins in Super Bowl VII. 1990; The Simpsons premiered on television.

2008; Bobby Jindal takes office as governor of Louisiana as the first elected Indian-American governor of the U.S.

Picture Of The Day: I believe I spent a bit too long in the produce section.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Love comes in all shapes and sizes. By the time love came to me, all the good shapes and sizes were taken. 2) My friend's mother-in-law is coming to stay with him for a week. He spent the day clearing out half of his closet so she would have a place to hang upside down and sleep. 3) The Red Cross knocked at my door asking if I could help towards the floods in Pakistan and Yemen.I said I would love to, but my hose only reaches the bottom of the driveway. 4) A tree fell in the forest. A man didn't hear it. He's dead now. 5) Honesty is the best policy unless you want people to like you.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - January 14th: The temperature will affect you this week in ways that I simply cannot foresee. I believe it will be the kind of temperature that requires the movement of clothing, either on or off, because it will be either hot or cold.....or possibly somewhere in between. You and biscuits are going to be inseparable today.

Birthdays: My pal Andy - Happy Birthday! 19XX, Benedict Arnold, general and traitor 1741, Henri Fantin-Latour, painter 1836, Berthe Morisot, impressionist painter 1841, R.F. Outcault, cartoonist and illustrator 1863, Albert Schweitzer, Alsatian Medical Missionary 1875, Hugh Lofting, writer 1886.

John Dos Passos, novelist 1896, Harold Russell, soldier and actor 1914, Yukio Mishima, writer 1925, Julian Bond, politician 1940, Faye Dunaway, actress 1941, Shannon Lucid, astronaut and biochemist 1943, Maureen Dowd, journalist 1952, Steven Soderbergh, filmmaker 1963, Emily Watson, actress 1967.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man and his friend were enjoying deer hunting Season in a rural area near a blacktop highway. A huge buck walked by and the hunter carefully drew his bow and took careful aim. Before he could release his arrow, his friend pointed at a funeral procession passing on the road below their stand.

The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer. His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known." The hunter shrugged, "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."

Miss Annabell had just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern belle friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound.

Miss Annabell said, "You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City. They have men there who kiss other men on the lips." Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my!" Miss Annabell said, "They call them homosexuals." The young girls fan themselves and say "Oh my! Oh my!"

Miss Annabell continued, "They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!" The girls asked, "What do they call them?" Miss Annabell said, "They call them lesbians."

Miss Annabell said, "They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City." The young girls squealed, "Oh my! Oh my!," as they sat on the edge of their chairs and fanned themselves even faster. "What do they call them?" they asked in unison.

Miss Annabell leans forward and said in a hush, "Why, when I caught my breath, I called him Precious."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: There was a bit of confusion at the local Walmart store yesterday. When I was ready to pay for my purchase of a box of shotgun shells the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me." Making a mental note to complain to the manager about the anti-gun people running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When her hysterical shrieking finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card. I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. I think they really need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer!

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a player who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching the news he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. Kaboom! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. Kablooey! Then he threw another at a passing car going 20 mph. Bulls eye!

The coach says to himself, "I've got to get this guy! He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the states and teaches him the great game of football and the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the latest great hero of football and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother. He says into the phone, "Mom, I just won the Super Bowl!" The old woman answered, "I don't want to talk to you. You are not my son!"

Th young player said, "I don't think you understand, mother. I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans." His mother retorts, "No! Let me tell you. At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!"

That's it for today, my little foxes. Remember, a government that robs Peter to pay Paul, can always depend on the support of Paul ~ George Bernard Shaw. That's it for now. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday Shopping Can Sometimes Turn Into A Preliminary To Happy Hour In AREA 51

Today was my shopping and banking day. I don't usually do things like that on Friday, but bread and mayonnaise sandwiches didn't sound too good for lunch and my cat, Possum (aka Shithead), didn't have any cat food, so off I went. I was fairly well prepared and I was able to resolve all of my shopping and banking needs on time.

Late May, June and July are the rainy months and I actually brought my umbrella, which made me proud of myself. I stopped at Publix and for some reason I always have some great adventures there. As a rule, I don't pay much attention to what's written on meat and poultry, relying mostly on eyesight. This often leads to purchasing the wrong cuts of meat, so again, I even thought to bring my glasses.

Checkout was a breeze, I saved money using coupons and Publix even gave me a $10 gift card for something I usually buy anyway and spending over $50. I went to the exit quite content with myself. Lo and behold, the monsoons had arrived. Of course, my umbrella was in the car just in case the car had to go out into the rain.

Undeterred and still relatively happy, I went back inside to buy some cigarettes while I waited for the rain to stop (Yep! Left my cigarettes in the car, as well). I asked the cashier the price of cigarettes and a sweet lass smiled and said, "You shouldn't smoke, it's bad for your health!" I smiled and told her, "I do a lot of things that's bad for my health." I didn't buy the cigarettes (mostly because the price was higher that other stores).

I went outside and the manager and his associate were outside and we were discussing the rainy weather. The same sweet lass came outside and said with a smile, "Don't give him a cigarette, he's trying to quit." I looked at the manager and his associate and they looked at me with that certain look guys give other guys and grinned. I said, "Rainy days turn sunny sometimes...."

I turned to the girl and asked for her name. She told me, but I have a bad habit was analyzing the possibilities and not listening, so I have no idea what she said her name was. I did learn she was in real estate (as am I) and where she goes for happy hour........

I've been meaning to tell everyone that if any of you like singing karaoke, I have quite a few karaoke tracks. If you would like one or two, email me at jimsulliv3@aol.com and I will send them to you (free) by email. You can then download the track, burn it on a CD and voila, you're a singer!

This Date In History: 1453; Ottoman forces under Sultan Muhammad II storm Constantinople, capital of the Byzantine Empire. 1913; Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring premieres in Paris, to rioting. 1953; New Zealander Edmund Hillary and Sherpa Tenzing Norgay of Nepal are the first men to reach the summit of Mount Everest, the world's highest mountain.

Picture Of The Day: I keep finding Nancy Pelosi waterboarding and lying pictures and you'll have to forgive me, but I just love 'em. Nothing pleases me more than to watch that witch stutter and stammer about the lies she has told. Of all the capable, intelligent women who qualify in my mind as a potential speaker of the house, how they agreed on her is beyond me.

Naturally, I added some of the pictures I took at Publix for your dining and dancing pleasure .

Birthdays: Charles II, king of England, Scotland, and Ireland 1630, G. K. Chesterton, writer 1874, Bob Hope, comedian and film actor 1903, John F. Kennedy, 35th President of the United States (1961-1963) 1917.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I spoke to a doctor the other day and he suggested that a combination of wine, women and song often shortens a man's life. If that's true, I may start singing karaoke less often. 2) For the "My other car is....." people, your other car is just as unreliable as your wit. 3) Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies and kittens (especially kittens). 4) In the Army, I was stationed at Fort Sam Houston Texas. On my first weekend pass, I went to San Antonio and saw the Alamo. That night, I went a nightclub and met Gloria Moreno. I remember the Alamo and I remember Gloria. 5) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. I don't remember who wrote that.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

For three years, the young lawyer had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

The lawyer asked, "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant? I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" Helen said, "When my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talking and we decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

For those who are unaware, my second ex-wife is Cuban, so I though those in the know might enjoy the following story.

Three men got married to Latin women. The first man married a woman from Venezuela. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Mexico. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Cuba. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."His date replied, "Thank heavens, If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

That's it for today my little brussel sprouts. It's Friday and I'm going to that certain AREA 51 location where female real estate agents who shop in Publix go. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !