Like Screen Names, Your First Name Has been Taken - What Will You Change It To?

Let's suppose that life is comparable to screen names. You have your given name and you've always answered to it. But now, you attempt to use your given name and you're told that it's been taken. You definitely don't want to socialize being called Jimmy33 or Gladys12, so you have to give up your first name and choose another. What name would you chose?

This is not an easy task and a lot of thought should be put into your decision. Take the case of a man named Harry Lipschitz who went before a judge to legally change his name. The judge said, "I can see the reasoning behind your desire to change your name, sir. What would you like to change it to?" Harry said, "Murray Lipschitz."

How about a nifty nickname? I don't mean the obvious uses like "Jimmy" in lieu of "James" or "Kate" in lieu of "Katherine", but a really cool nickname. You know, like "Bugsy" or "Scarface" or even more complex, like "Tony the tiger" or "Eric the red".

I have always liked the name "Michael" for some reason and that is the name I would choose. I haven't rowed any boats ashore but if that job were available, I'd be one of the possible recipients. If I had a nickname, I like the name "Lefty". It wouldn't make much sense since I'm right-handed, but I've never heard of anyone nicknamed "Righty."

Life isn't always kind and some names don't seem to have been well thought out. The Harry Harrisons, Tommy Thompsons, Willie Williams and Johnnie Johnsons are all well aware of that fact. So, here's the deal my wily little journal readers, what would you name yourself if you couldn't have your current first name? Additionally, what would you choose as a nickname?

So let's hear it from DJ Johnny G, Linda the sultry Washington weather reporter, Rose the gorgeous wildflower, Jackie the sexy Alabama schoolmarm, Julie the alluring nurse, Joann the party girl, Paula the Texas Two Stepper, and the rest of you notorious journalists.

This Date In History: 1554; Princess Elizabeth, heir apparent to the throne in England, is imprisoned in the Tower of London for suspected complicity in Wyatt's Rebellion against her half sister, Mary I. 1922; Mohandas Gandhi, the leader of the Indian Home Rule movement, is sentenced to six years' imprisonment.

1962; After eight years of fighting, a ceasefire is signed between France and the Algerian Liberation Front to bring the Algerian War of Independence to an end. 1967; The Beatle's single "Penny Lane" reaches number one in the charts.

Picture Of The Day: It's just so easy to take pot shots at Bernie Madoff although AIG is certainly fighting for spots as a Cat's Ass Trophy Nominee. Nevertheless , I've got my pictoral cross hairs on "Bernie the lowlife" today and maybe we'll concentrate on the assholes at AIG on Friday.

Birthdays: Grover Cleveland, 22nd and 24th US president 1837, Rudolf Diesel, German engineer who invented the diesel engine 1858, Neville Chamberlain, British businessman and politician, British Prime Minister (1937-1940), known for his appeasement policy in the immediate pre-World War II period 1869, Wilfred Owen, English poet 1893, John Updike, American author 1932, Frederik Willem de Klerk, South African prime minister 1936.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My cat, Shithead, usually decides what time we get up each morning. 2) I believe that the most important thing a man can contribute to a relationship is to always be a gentleman. 3) I'm rarely intimidated by a woman...overwhelmed, yes, but rarely intimidated. 4) I detest loudmouths... they're usually belligerent and needy. 5) I'm not impressed that your kid's on the honor role, but I am impressed if he's wise enough to say please and thank you.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a woman with a particularly large diamond ring. As he admired the ring, the bartender came over and said, "That's the Glopman diamond. It's beautiful, but it comes with a curse." The man asked, "What's the curse?" The bartender replied, "Mrs. Glopman."

A drunk sitting at the bar asks the bartender where the bathroom is and the bartender says, "Go down the hall and make a right." All of a sudden, everybody at the bar hears a loud scream coming from the bathroom. A few minutes go by, and again, everybody hears another loud scream.

The bartender decides to investigate, and he goes into the bathroom to see what the drunk is screaming about. He opens the door and asks the drunk, "What's all the screaming about in here? You are scaring all my customers away."

The drunk says, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush it, something squeezes my balls!" The bartender looks in and says, "You idiot, you're sitting on the mop bucket!!"

A man from Spain arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, and giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care and free education!" The passer-by says, "You are mistaken, peasant, I am French".

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!" The person says "I'm not American, gringo, I'm Mexican."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful America!" That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East, infidel, I am not an American!"

He finally sees another man and asks suspiciously, "Are you an American?" He says, "Yes, I am and proud of it!" So he is puzzled, and asks him, "Where are all the rest of the Americans?" The man looks at his watch and says, "Probably at work!"

That's it for today my little dixie cups. I'm off to AREA 51 for Hump Day festivities and I'll have more on Friday. Stay Tuned !

Saint Patrick Banished Snakes From Ireland - We Should Harness That Ability With Our Government !

Well, tomorrow's Saint Patrick's Day and I'd like to start things off by wishing a Happy Saint Patrick's Day to your pal and mine, Irish Barry O'Bama. Barry's been busting his ass trying to spend our money as fast as he can and that's not an easy task. It seems Barry thinks he's found the pot o'gold and since he's been running the show, all his Irish friends and family are, or soon will be, reaping the rewards.

To the Irish, it's a good reason to party, assuming you've got a any money left. Actually, it's a good reason to party no matter where your forefathers came from and a reasonable excuse for getting home later than usual. Personally, I drink when I pick up my dry cleaning and to Potato Week, so for me, it's just another reason to head to AREA 51 and hang out with my pals.

AIG just announced they are going to give out over 165 million dollars in bonuses this year. This is after the government just gave them another shitload of bailout money. AIG says they are legally bound to give the bonuses. My question is why didn't our new government for "change" bother to ask them if they were legally bound to give out bonuses before the funded them with bailout money?

I would have asked that question first and if they said they were legally bound to give out the bonuses, I'd have told them to forget about they bailout. If they have enough money to pay bonuses for half-ass work, they don't need a bailout! But, that's just me.

Though my surname is Irish, I'm actually Irish-French and my maternal forefather came to America from Paris, France, in 1683. God only knows what happened after that, but from that side of the family alone, there are Irish, Scottish, British, Welsh and French surnames. On my Irish side, we were unable to trace our roots past my great-grandfather as most of the bars and taverns have since been sold or folded.

This Date In History: 1850; Nathaniel Hawthorne's The Scarlet Letter is published. 1872; The first English FA cup is won by Wanderers, beating the Royal Engineers. 1926; American scientist Robert H. Goddard launches the first successful liquid-fuelled rocket. 1968; United States soldiers massacre hundreds of men, women, and children at the village of My Lai, in South Vietnam. 1976; Harold Wilson resigns as prime minister.

Picture Of The Day: Irish green is the obvious theme for today's pictures and I even talked the Eagle into getting in on the act. This is not an easy task as the Eagle does as he likes and when he likes. I was able to blackmail him though because of a picture I have of him in one of his amorous moments.

It seems that eagles can only procreate while soaring high. The eagle couple pair up, then fall toward the ground at an unbelievable speed as they make love. As Miss Eagle and Mister Eagle were in the act of making love, she looked down and realized that she was dangerously close to dying, so she faked it. Mister Eagle no longer boasts about his love making abilities.

Birthdays: James Madison, fourth president of the United States 1751, George Simon Ohm, German physicist 1787, Rosa Bonheur, French painter 1822, Sully Prudhomme, French poet and Nobel laureate 1839, Émile Cammaerts, Belgian poet 1878, Bernardo Bertolucci, Italian film director 1940.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have. 2) I abhor discussions or debates where one side makes their point of view, then constantly (and loudly) interrupts the other side's point of view. As a moderator, I would stand up and slap the offending party upside his head. 3) I am sympathetic to one's plight until I hear it for the tenth time. After that, I simply tell them I to go tell someone who actually gives a shit. 4) I'm really tired of people trying to be politically correct instead of telling the truth about how they actually feel. I may be a lot of things, but I'm not a hypocrite. 5) When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

Paddy O'Malley had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that would sober him up.

Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!" Paddy asked innocently, "What makes you say that?" His wife replied, "The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."

A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and ordered, "Barbender, barbender, I would like a Martuni." The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp. "Barbender, I would like another Martuni." Again, the bartender brought her a Martini.

By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on. She called, "Barbender, your Martuni is giving me heartburn." Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, "Lady, I am not a barbender, but a bartender, and what you have been drinking is not a Martuni, but a Martini, and finally, you do not have heartburn, your tits are hanging in the ashtray.

That's it for today my little leprechauns. Have a Happy Saint Patrick's Day and more on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Hey Jason - It's Friday The Thirteenth Again

I have to begin today's post with some sad news. My pal Linda's cat, Gabi Lin, passed Wednesday and Linda is heartbroken. Linda recently got out of the hospital herself and she definitely didn't need any additional heartache. If any of you are pet lovers, you know the devastation that comes with losing a pet. Please stop by Linda's journal at http://lindasworld-lindasworld.blogspot.com/ and wish her well.

Bernie Madoff pled guilty yesterday to bilking investors of over 50 billion dollars. His bail was revoked and they took his sorry ass to jail. By pleading guilty, he avoids court trial and the possibility of having the rest of his family indicted. It is virtually impossible that a 70 year old man could have run a scam like this for more than ten years without the aid of his family and friends.

The Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) let this Ponzi Scheme get past them for years, but a little insight might give you an idea why. It seems that Bernie's niece is married to a SEC regulator. Coincidence?

As for the investors who lost money, I generally feel bad for most of them, but there are a few things that bother me about some. Most of the investors are in Hedge Funds, an investment fund open to a limited range of investors that is permitted by regulators to undertake a wider range of activities than other investment funds and also pays a performance fee to its investment manager.

It seems to me that a wealthy, well educated investor would know that invested monies that are returning an abnormally high rate of return are suspicious, if not immoral or illegal. Perhaps some of the more greedier investors just looked the other way. Life's a bitch, huh?

Speaking Of Ponzi Schemes, did you know that a Ponzi scheme is a fraudulent investment operation that pays returns to investors from their own money or money paid by subsequent investors rather than from profit. The scheme is named after Charles Ponzi, who became notorious for using the technique after immigrating from Italy to the United States in 1903. Ponzi did not invent the scheme, but his operation took in so much money that it was the first to become known throughout the United States.

His original scheme was in theory based on arbitraging international reply coupons for postage stamps, but soon diverted investors' money to support payments to earlier investors and Ponzi's personal wealth.

There are some television shows I just don't watch namely Survivor, The Bachelor and the rest of those scripted "reality" shows. I live in my own little reality world daily and frankly, I don't care to watch a group of morons interact. When I do have the occasional desire to see morons interact, I simple tune into C-Span and watch our Congress "at work."

Being a musician, singer and performer, I do, however, watch "Dancing With The Stars" and especially "American Idol" once they have eliminated the freaks and wannabees and get down to the talented few. Since I'm not up to speed on the current idol status, I would appreciate those of you who had the patience to watch this year's "Idol" from day one to suggest in your comments who you think will end up in the final five or six and who I should watch.

Friday Earn Money Taking Surveys: I've added another link to my list of proven survey sites on my sidebar. These are sites that I use and they are legitimate ways to make some spending money. You won't get rich but the surveys only take a few minutes to complete and the money adds up. I made over $1,000 in 2008 taking surveys. An easy way to save for Christmas presents or just cash in when you need money.

I will be adding more sites as they become proven to me and I will alert you as I post them. If you have any questions as to how they work, please email me at jimsulliv3@aol.com and I will give you the details.

This Date In History: 1781; German-born British astronomer William Herschel discovers the planet Uranus. 1868; The impeachment trial of President Andrew Johnson begins. Johnson is the first United States president to be impeached. 1881; Alexander II, emperor of Russia, is assassinated when bombs are thrown at his carriage by members of a revolutionary group, the Narodnaya Volya ("People's Will"). 1961; The Spanish painter Pablo Picasso, aged 79, marries Jacqueline Roque, aged 37.

Picture Of The Day: Today is Friday the 13th and this somewhat interferes with my Happy Hour plans in AREA 51. It certainly doesn't bother me but it may affect the turnout. Thankfully, I, along with most of the people I hang out with, am not superstitious. I'm hopeful that tonight should be a lot of fun (knock on wood).

Be that as it may, today's pictures are rather eclectic but then again.... The basic theme is Friday the 13th and superstitions.

Birthdays: Joseph Priestley, British chemist, who isolated and described several gases, including oxygen, and who is considered one of the founders of modern chemistry because of his contributions to experimentation 1733, Joseph II, Holy Roman emperor 1741, Percival Lowell, American astronomer 1855, Hugo Wolf, Austrian composer 1860.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. 2) I've been a baker, carpenter, soldier and insurance salesman in my younger days. 3) I have not been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, a poet, a pawn or a king. 4) My brother Kirt and I used to imitate the Smothers Brothers acts. Mom always liked me better. 5) My buddy Pete and I had to sit in a tree to watch stock car races because we didn't have the money to get in. We use to get a bad rash the next day after every race we attended. It only took us four weeks to figure out that it was covered in poison ivy.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal, Garnett, for his contribution to today's stories.

There was this small church down in Texas that had a very big-busted Organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another Organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green Persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green Persimmons, "because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while".

The Organist agreed to try it and the following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday."

Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge andinto the wind he goes!

Meanwhile, Ma and Pa were sitting on the porch swing talking bout the good ole days when Ma spots the biggest bird she ever seen! Ma says, "Look at the size of that bird, Pa!" Paw raises up," Git my gun, Ma." She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim and fires four times.

The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops. Ma says, "I think ya missed him, Pa." Her husband replies, "Yeah, but at least he let go of Bubba!"

That's it for today my little road runners. Have a great and safe weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

The Hits Just Keep On Coming !

When it comes time to make my journal entries, I never have trouble coming up with something to say. For this, I thank our political leaders, our celebrities, our financial leaders and institutions and the occasional local misfit for providing me with enough non-sensical fodder to write a book. The asinine and sometimes criminal acts of these people continually make the top stories and headlines. I sometimes wish the media, especially the ever sensational, brown nosing, biased CNN would take more of their time to publish stories about people who actually go above and beyond the call of duty and do something good for America.

Our latest real hero, U.S. Air Captain Chesley "Sully Sullenberger" was a breath of fresh air I think America had a brief moment of elation and the faith that there are people who we can actually look up to and admire. However, my pal Victor sent me an alarming email alerting me to the fact that CNN learned that Captain Sullenberger was a Republican which prompted CNN to publish our first picture of the day.

Okay, CNN didn't actually publish this picture but I'd be willing to bet that they would have if they knew they could get away with it.

Michael Jackson has announced that he will do "just one more" final tour. Jackson will perform at a series of London concerts after a long absence from the live circuit. "I'll be performing songs my fans wanna hear. This is it ... This is the final curtain call," he told a waiting crowd. He's playing ten shows at London's O2 arena.

Tickets are expected to sell quickly and fans are fighting for front row seats hoping for possible souvenirs, including his famous sequined glove. Then again, they just may be hoping that their souvenir may possibly when Michael's nose falls off.

Bernie Madoff, accused of bilking his clients out of more than 50 billion dollars will plead guilty to the charges. He will not cooperate with prosecutors and is not seeking a plea deal. By pleading guilty, Madoff will avoid a court trial and avoid implicating his family and associates, who I guarantee were also involved. Maybe someone should hire a sniper ........

Chris Brown facing felony charges for assaulting and beating girlfriend Rihanna is on Nickelodeons "Kids Choice Awards" and Nickelodeon, despite a circulating national petition for his removal from the ballot. Way to set an example, Nickelodeon!

President Obama will sign a 410 billion dollar, pork laden, spending bill today that contains more than 9,000 earmarks. Obama's political campaign manager and speech writer, Geppetto said that the bill is being signed because Obama inherited it. Geppetto's former position prior to his joining the Obama campaign was a woodcarver and wooden puppet maker in a small Italian village.

Country Music Singer Hank Locklin, passed away on March 8. For half a century, the Grand Ole Opry star masterfully fused the Honky Tonk and Nashville sounds, making timeless hits like "Please Help Me I'm Falling" and "Send Me the Pillow You Dream On." Locklin died at his home in Alabama of undisclosed causes at the age of 91.

This Date In History: 1302; According to Shakespeare, this is Romeo and Juliet's wedding day. 1941; President Franklin D. Roosevelt signs the Lend-Lease Act. It gives the US president authority to aid any nation whose defence is regarded as vital to the United States and to accept repayment.

1985; Mikhail Gorbachev is named first secretary of the Soviet Communist Party. 1990; Lithuania declares independence from the USSR. 2004; More than 180 people are killed when terrorist bombs are set off on rush-hour commuter trains in Madrid.

Picture Of The Day: It really angered me that the media jumped on Jessica Simpson's recent weight gain and it made me wonder what the assholes who were picking on her looked like and weighed. My bet is that none of them could hold a candle to her. Be that as it may, I'm happy to show you the newest Simpson photo sporting her "Daisy Dukes." I don't know about the supposed "critics", but she can go with me to AREA 51 any time she desires.

Birthdays: Torquato Tasso, Italian poet 1544, Frederick IX, king of Denmark 1899, Rupert Murdoch, Australian-born media magnate 1931, Harold Wilson, Labour politician and British Prime Minister 1916, Douglas Adams, British author, creator of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy 1952.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow. 2) One of my favorite computer pastimes is playing Pogo. 3) I took algebra 1 and 2 in school, but when it came to plane geometry, I decided business mathematics was the way to go. Besides, I have a fear of flying. 4) I watch Regis and Kelly almost every morning. 5) I bought a Nehru jacket about a month before they went out of style.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A panda walked into a bar and said "I'd like a steak and a Coke please." The bartender took his order and the panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill. All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter. The bartender said "You just shot my friend !" The panda calmly replied "Do you know what I am?" The bartender answered. "Yes, your a panda."

The panda said "Good, now look up 'panda' in the dictionary." And with that, the panda walked out of the bar. The bartender was a little unsure, however he was very eager to be enlighted on the subject of his friend's murder, so he went home to find his dictionary.

After a while, he found 'panda' and quickly read the definition: Panda: A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

That's it for today my busy little bloggers. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Read Between The Lines !

When I was young, we didn't have a lot of money and fortunately, we thought that was normal. We always seemed to find the means of getting money. On good weeks, we'd receive some sort of allowance from our parents, but not always. There were opportunities everywhere if you wanted to earn a buck. At the local construction sites, workers always left their empty soda bottles around and collecting them at two cents each was easy money.

If two cents doesn't seem like much to you, keep in mind that a Snickers bar cost a nickel and a Coca Cola cost a dime (and you got two cents for returning for the empty bottle). You could bring in ten bottles and get twenty cents. That was enough to buy a Coke and two five-cent candy bars. I say five-cent candy bars because there was also two-cent candy bars, not to mention penny candy.

Selling lemonade or Kool-Aid was also a way of making a shekel or two. It was like a competition and each group of kids had their own stands and their own products. We even baked and sold cookies and brownies. Granted, some of the adult customers must have bought something to drink at our stands based on either pity or good will, but we didn't care.

In my early teens, my pals and I discovered a plot of land that was previously farmed for strawberries. Plowed over and abandoned some two years earlier, the strawberries had returned in number. At first we just sat down and gorged ourselves but once full, we harvested all we could and went house to house selling quarts of strawberries. We made a killing and were in the money for weeks. In addition, we refrigerated enough strawberries for two months.

As older kids, we mowed lawns, washed cars or had paper routes for income. I often wonder what some of today's kids do to make their money. It seems so easy to expect it or ask Mom and Dad for it. It just makes me think the work ethic of today is not as strong as in the past. Too busy with their ipods or computers.

A Follow-up on last Friday's story about Ryanair's sadistical CEO, Michael O'Leary, who stood up during a press conference in Dublin Thursday and confirmed that yes, indeed, he's going to start charging passengers when they need to go to the bathroom.

The so-called "wee fee" is no longer under consideration; it's in development. O'Leary has asked Boeing to design toilets that won't work unless you swipe a credit card first. So not only will you have to pay to pee, you'll have to do it on credit.

This Date In History: 1796; French general Napoleon Bonaparte marries Joséphine de Beauharnais, widow of the Vicomte de Beauharnais. 1867; The United States agrees to purchase the Alaska Territory from Russia for US$7,200,000. 1916; Pancho Villa and his soldiers of the Mexican Revolution raid the border town and military camp of Columbus, New Mexico. 1959; The original Barbie doll makes her debut in American shops.

Picture Of The Day: Don't take this literally, but the pictures will explain themselves today. That is, of course, if you are clever enough to determine their meaning. Eye mean ewe halve two think two ice. Don't worry if you don't get them all.....but, I'll give you an idea of what today's pic have to say.... This one says "Holy Smoke"!

Birthdays: My pal Ginny - Happy Birthday my love 19XX, Amerigo Vespucci, Italian navigator, after whom the continents of America are named 1454, Ernest Bevin, British statesman and trade union leader 1881, Mikhaylovich Molotov, Russian revolutionary 1890, Yury Gagarin, Soviet cosmonaut 1934.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are. 2) I think that anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. 3) Another hint for the picture below...starts with "Dead as..." 4) Some readers don't know that there are cryptic and blatant messages and hellos in every post I make. Read between the lines. 5) My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

The HIts Just Keep On Coming:

Three doctors were driving together to the hospital when they had an accident and all three died. They found themselves in front of the Pearly Gates, with St. Peter there shaking his head. St. Peter said, "Gentlemen, I'm afraid Heaven is full - we just don't have room for you here."The first doctor said, "But, St. Peter, surely you recognize me! I developed the DNA theory, and have helped improve millions of lives through my work." St. Peter shook his head, thinking, and finally said, "You're right, we just have to let you in. Come on -- we'll make room somehow."

The second doctor said, "I know you recognise me, St. Peter. I developed the MRI, and because of my machine, millions of people with medical problems are helped." Again St. Peter is moved. "Yes, come on in. Surely you deserve to be here, too," he replies.

Finally, the last doctor pipes in, "St. Peter, You must also know me -- I'm the doctor who developed HMOs." To this St. Peter only hesitates a moment, and then replies, "Yes, you, too, have a place in Heaven -- but you can only stay 3 days."

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. The woman said, "Breast-fed." The doctor said, "Well, strip down to your waist."

She woman responded and stripped down.. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." The woman said, "I know. I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

That's it for today my little gummy bears. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

It's Dumb News Week !

I'm continually amazed by how many stupid people and stupid ideas there are on the news each day and this week was everything I knew it could be. Here are a few of the recent things in the news:

Probably the dumbest idea comes from the no-frills Ryanair, who, in an economic move, stated that they are considering having pay toilets on their airplanes. Ryanair chief executive Michael O'Leary insisted Thursday he's serious about making passengers pay for the right to relieve themselves on flights. Personally, I hate to fly and when I have no choice, I choose the airline who has the longest no-crash record. The restroom is a subject that I don't want to have to think about as my plane soars at 30,000 feet and I sit white knuckled in my seat doing shots of Johnny Walker Black.

My first thought is what do you do if there's a lot of broke people on the plane? Do you pay according to time spent? Is there an extra charge for number 2? What if you just want to smoke a cigarette? If I am a member of the mile high club, do I get a discount for two people? These and other questions are answered in today's pictures.

Tattoo Barbie now that's a really great idea to introduce to a child. Yes Sir! Now your kid, who was making good grades in school and spoke the queens English can be "stylin." Who knows? Maybe this little ditty will help her fit in with the "in" crowd, learning to swear, shoplift and steal bicycles with the rest of her "peers".

But that's not all! As she grows each year, you can buy her Ho Barbie, due out next year as the Obama economy goes to hell in a hand basket. Of course, Pimping Ken doll is sold separately. As you lose your job and home, your child's new unexplained income will help her to purchase Crack Barbie thereby qualifying her for the new free federal health care for everyone and his uncle.

Dr. Seuss, created by Theodore Geisel, must be turning over in his grave as teachers are teaching their students to "rap" his famous "Green Eggs and Ham." When I was in school, we took Spanish and French as secondary languages.

The 410 billion dollar tax bill has 7.1 billion dollars in pork (earmarks) and is having problems being passed by the Senate. Uh, aren't these guys the same people (both parties) who attached these earmarks to the bill? I guess it's now down to my pork's better than your pork.

New York State has a limit of around $12,000 per year for people on welfare. When the stimulus bill is passed and takes effect, this amount will double to around $24,000 per year. A person going to work every day for minimum wage makes around $16,000 per year. What's wrong with this picture? Spread the wealth is what's wrong with it. Take money from people who play by the rules and work hard and give it to the people who sit on their asses and complain how everyone mistreats them.

On a serious note, my pal Linda in Washington was admitted to the hospital yesterday for cardiac related issues. My pal Robin, author of "The Yellow Brick Road", informed me via email yesterday that she didn't believe it was a heart attack and they are keeping her overnight for tests. Please keep Linda in your prayers. You can read more about Linda's condition by reading Robins journal at http://yellowbrickroadtwo.blogspot.com/

Please stop by and leave a get well message to my pal Linda at http://lindasworld-lindasworld.blogspot.com/

This Date In History: 1770; In the Boston Massacre, British troops fire on a raucous mob, killing five Americans and wounding six. 1922; Annie Oakley shoots 98 out of 100 clay pigeons, breaking the existing women's trap-shooting record. 1946; Winston Churchill declares that “from Stettin in the Baltic to Trieste in the Adriatic an iron curtain has descended across the European Continent.” 1953; Joseph Stalin dies suddenly in Moscow.

Picture Of The Day: Toilet humor has never been beneath me, and today's no different. Yes, pay toilets on airplanes, my friends! That's today's theme. I could probably do a thirty minute stand-up routine on this subject, butt I won't. If I were with one of my lady friends on a flight with pay toilets, even Obama's stimulus bill wouldn't help me pay the bill. That's another thing....don't use the word "stimulus" on this type of flight. For parents on airplanes teaching their children the alphabet to entertain them, leave out the pee.

Birthdays: Henry II, king of England 1133. Gerardus Mercator, Flemish geographer, mapmaker, and mathematician 1512, Giovanni Tiepolo, Italian painter 1696, Lady Isabella Gregory, Irish playwright 1852, Heitor Villa-Lobos, Brazilian composer 1887, Rex Harrison (1908-1990), British actor, immortalized in the role of Henry Higgins in My Fair Lady (1956), the film adaptation of George Bernard Shaw's Pygmalion 1908.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week 2) My brother Kirt and I, at ages 4 and 5, got into our family car, which was parked in our driveway on a downhill incline, to play. I pushed in the clutch and the car began to roll. My mom said she looked up and saw Kirt and I drive by the window in the family car. Fortunately, I let out the clutch and the car chugged to a halt before taking out the garage. 3) 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence? 4) I once shot my brother in the ass with a BB rifle. My father laughed and then he gave me a whipping. 5) When going to court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

The finals of the National Youth Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. Biff was a student going to one of the finest private schools in the nation. From an upper-crust family, he was well-bred, well-connected and all that goes with it. Willie was going into the 5th grade for the 8th time.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu." Biff was first and recited the following poem: "Slowly across the desert sand trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two, destination, Timbuktu." The audience went wild!

The crowd wondered, could Willie could top that?! The clock started again and Willie sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited: "Tim and me, a-huntin' went. Met three girls in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu."

That's it for today my little cherry blossums. Have a safe and great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !