Jury Duty

I'm running a tad late today as I had to do my civic duty and report for jury duty. The only humor I found in that was that a defendant was going to to be judged by twelve people who weren't clever enough get out of jury duty. I had the good fortune of reasonable weather and traffic on my way to the courthouse and oddly enough, things got better.

After reporting to the clerk, I immediately headed to the snack area where I had a cup of Cuban coffee and met two attractive young ladies to chat with. After an hour, the first jurists from a pool of about 200 people were called and I was juror number three. I'm thinking this is not a good omen.

In the courtroom, after a few instructions from the judge, my cell phone rang and it just so happened that the caller was a friend who I identify with by using "The Devil Went Down To Georgia" as a ring tone. Right off the bat, I'm the center of attention. Not good!

The judge the asked if anyone on the jury was previously or currently insured by All State Insurance. I raised my hand along with two others. After a brief sidebar, the judge excused us from serving on the trial. Upon my return to the jury pool area around 11:15, the clerk advised us that we could be dismissed for the remainder of the week if we waived the $15 a day payment.

At 11:30 I was out of jury duty, on the expressway and heading to AREA 51 for lunch. I couldn't help but remember what comedian Ron White's dog "Sluggo" said to him after Ron slipped M&Ms into his jowls while Sluggo was sleeping. Sluggo woke up, licked his chops and said, "It's going to be a good day, Tater!"

The News As I See It: There’s a move to divide California into two states: the state of poverty and the state of bankruptcy. The problem is coming up with a new name for Southern California. "New Mexico" is already taken.

Two Delta planes collided recently at the airport in Boston. The passengers were okay — except for having to pay Delta’s $50 collision fee. That’s right, two Delta planes collided at an airport in Boston. Or as air traffic controllers put it, "Glad I wasn’t awake to see that one.

Lindsay Lohan is mad that she wasn’t cast in the movie "Black Swan." There’s still hope she might be cast in the sequel, "Grey Goose."

Ohio Congressman Bill Johnson said his Twitter account was hacked yesterday after an image of a naked man was posted on his page. When the Lord taketh a Weiner he giveth a Johnson.

This Date In History: 64; A great fire began that ultimately destroyed most of Rome. The emperor Nero blamed it on Christians and began the first Roman persecution of them. It was in this date men learned the dangers of fiddling around.

1925; The first volume of Adolf Hitler's Mein Kampf was published. 1936; The Spanish Civil War began. 1947; President Harry S. Truman signed the Presidential Succession Act.

1976; 14-year-old Romanian gymnast Nadia Comaneci earned the first perfect score, a ten, at the Olympics and went on to score six more tens and win three gold medals. 1999; New York Yankee David Cone pitched the 16th perfect game in baseball history.

Picture Of The Day: The "Ice Cream Truck In The Phoenix Heat" picture struck me as funny and was provided courtesy of my pal, Linda in Washington State.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway. 2) It's not a shortage of judges that causes the problems in our courts, it's the excess of lawyers. 3) Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building? 4) I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. 5) I was once pulled over for supposedly driving under the influence. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for driving under the influence was. I said, "Re-election to the Senate?".....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Cancer - July 18th: I hope you remember to bring your umbrella, especially tonight. I'm not saying it's going to rain, but remember what happened the last time you forgot your umbrella. Romance and candlelight is in your immediate future. It had better be because your check for the light bill is being returned.

Birthdays: James Sullivan Sr, my father. Happy Birthday Dad 19XX, Robert Hooke, physicist, mathematician, and inventor 1635, William Thackeray, novelist 1811, Jessamyn West, novelist 1902, S. I. Hayakawa, scholar, former U.S. Senator 1906, John Glenn, astronaut 1921, Dick Button, figure skater 1929, Yevgeny Yevtushenko, poet 1933.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk in downtown Atlanta. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969." The other hooks his thumb behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."

I told my doctor I had been noticing a burning sensation in my eyes and difficulty breathing after sex. He told me it was just the Mace.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." The doctor said, "Where?" He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

A young reporter was interviewing a woman who had just reached her hundredth birthday. The reporter asked, "To what do you attribute your remarkable good health?" She said, thoughtfully, "I've always eaten moderately, worked hard, I don't smoke or drink and I keep good hours." The reporter asked, "Have you ever been bedridden?" The elderly lady said, "Sure, but I'd appreciate if you don't put that in your newspaper."

A man with tickets to the Super Bowl finds his seat and relaxes. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. He says, "No, the seat is empty." The stranger said, "That's incredible. Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl and not use it?"

The man said, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967. The stranger replies, "I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. Couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head and says, "No, they're all at the funeral."

That's it for today my little songbirds. Remember, don't judge a book by its movie. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

A Tribute To Songstress Eva Cassidy (1963-1996)

I fell in love with Eva Cassidy's voice the first time I heard her sing "Over The Rainbow" about three years ago. As a vocalist and musician, I instinctively searched for more of her recordings and more about the young songstress's life. As I found more of her recordings, I became more and more smitten by her exceptional voice, unaware of the sad news that would eventually reveal itself to me.

Known for her interpretations of jazz, blues, folk, gospel, country and pop classics, Eva released her first album in 1992, entitled "The Other Side", a set of duets with musician Chuck Brown. Her second release was a live solo album, "Live at Blues Alley" in 1996.

As I continued to look for more information, I learned that in 1996, Cassidy noticed an ache in her hips. The pain persisted and a few weeks later, X-rays revealed that the melanoma. which was diagnosed during a routine mole removal in 1993, had spread to her lungs and bones. Her doctors estimated she had three to five months to live.

Cassidy opted for aggressive treatment, but her health deteriorated rapidly. In her final public performance in September 1996, at the "Bayou", she closed the set with "What a Wonderful World" in front of an audience of friends, fans and family. She was subsequently admitted to Johns Hopkins Hospital. Eva Cassidy died at her family home on November 2, 1996, at the age of 33. She was posthumously inducted into the Hall of Fame of the Washington Area Music Association.

Four years later, Cassidy's music was brought to the attention of British audiences when her version of "Over the Rainbow" was played by Terry Wogan on BBC Radio 2. Following the overwhelming response, a camcorder recording of "Over the Rainbow", taken at the Blues Alley, was shown on BBC Two's Top of the Pops 2. Shortly afterwards, the compilation album Songbird climbed to the top of the UK Albums Charts, almost three years after its initial release.

The chart success in the United Kingdom and Ireland led to increased recognition worldwide; her posthumously released recordings, including three UK #1s, have sold more than ten million copies. Her music has also charted top 10 positions in Australia, Germany, Sweden, Norway and Switzerland.

It broke my heart when I discovered that the beautiful voice I had been listening to had been silenced in 1996, twelve years before I had first heard her recording. Please turn off my music playlist located on my left sidebar.

It brings tears to my eyes again as I present to you Eva Cassidy and her incredible interpretation of "Over The Rainbow."

The News As I See It: The President and Congress are pledging to work around the clock until they’re absolutely certain they will get nothing done. We're getting closer and closer to the country going into default. We could be out of money by August 2nd. Personally, I'm surprised we still have enough money to make it until August 2nd.

President Obozo ordered Treasury Secretary Timothy "IRS" Geithner to take what little money we have left and buy lottery tickets. I don’t think that's going to work.

Saks Fifth Avenue is planning to open a new store next year in Kazakhstan. Or as it will be called there, "Saks Dirt Road."

According to a new poll, U.S. popularity in the Middle East is at an all-time low. How could it be lower than before, when it was "Death to America?"

In the last month, President Obozo’s re-election campaign raised $86 million. But the bad news is, to get re-elected, he has to come up with $14 trillion more.

This Date In History: 1869; Margarine was patented in France by Hippolyte Mege Mouries. 1870; Georgia became the last of the Confederate States to be readmitted to the Union. 1918; The Second Battle of the Marne began during World War I. 1940; The world's tallest man (8 feet, 11.1 inches), Robert Wadlow, died.

1948; John J. Pershing, whose leadership in World War I earned him the title General of the Armies of the United States, died in Washington, DC. 1975;
The Russian Soyuz and the U.S. Apollo launched. The Apollo-Soyuz mission was the first international manned spaceflight.

Picture Of The Day: The lovely Eva Marie Cassidy (February 2, 1963 – November 2, 1996).....rest in peace, love.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies. 2) Speaking of politics, prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and still come out ahead. 3) Politicians make rules for others and exceptions for themselves. 4) Roses are red violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic and so am I. 5) I have all the money I'll ever need - if I die by 4:00 p.m. Monday.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Cancer - July 15th: Your ability to perform open heart surgery may be brought into question today as you attempt to help an asthmatic in the local park who's having breathing difficulties. Make yourself some coffee, sit down and read the Internet. Hell, it's what you normally do anyway, right? If things go right today, someone you're attracted to will suggest taking things a step further. Remember what I told you about wearing clean underwear.....

Birthdays: My pal Marie Kay. Happy Birthday Baby! 19XX, Rembrandt, Dutch painter, etcher, and draftsman 1606, Clement Moore, poet 1779, Mother Cabrini, nun 1850, Iris Murdoch, writer 1919.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "Shut up! If you would've put a rubber at the end of your stick, we'd be riding the damned bus."

Bubba Ray shows up at the bar all out of breath so Dewey asks him, "What the hell is wrong with you?" Bubba Ray says "I've been running from the cops but I finally lost them." Dewey then asks. "What the hell did you do?" Bubba Ray replied, "I was pissing in the shower and the cops showed up to arrest me!" Dewey says, "That's not against the law." Bubba Ray says, "That's what I thought too, but those guys at Home Depot didn't see it that way!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. She says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 'Ninety-nine'."

The old guy obeys and says,"99." The doctor says, "Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99'." Again, the old guy says, "99." The doctor says, "Very good. Now, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly." The old guy assumes the position.

She says, "Now then, I'm going to check your prostate with this hand and with the other hand, I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'." The old guy begins, "One ... Two ...Three..."

A farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12, opened the door. The farmer asked, "Is yer Pa home?" The boy replied, "No sir, he sure ain't, he went to town." The farmer asked, "Is yer Ma home?" The boy said, "No, she ain't here either. She went to town with Pa." The farmer then asked, "Well, then, how about yer brother, Joe, is he here?" The boy answered, "No sir, he went with Ma and Pa."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself. The boy politely asked, "Is there anything I kin do fer ya'? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one or I could take a message fer Pa." The farmer uncomfortably asked, "I really wanted to talk to yer Pa. It's about your brother Joe getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant." The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that." I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $250 for the boar hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Joe."

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoke to me in over 2 months." Earl spits, sips his beer and says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

That's it for today my little goslings. Remember, If you try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to kick yourself in the ass! I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Note to Obama And Congress: We've Had To Stop Spending Money We Don't Have And You Assholes Do Too !

Most Americans have stopped discretionary spending and are sacrificing to survive the economic condition that politicians have us in. Why doesn't our lying, campaign promise-breaking president and the coniving, thieving congress do the same? The answer is because they're positioning themselves for the 2012 elections.

President Obozo has made a veiled threat stating that if the debt ceiling is not raised and taxes aren't increased, there is a possibility that Social Security payments may not go out on August 2nd. The fact is that the treasury takes in 200 billion per month and Social Security payments are 49 billion per month. Is Obozo threatening to pay other bills first, like say Chinese treasury holders?

Obozo and the congress' funds and savings are safe. They have made sure of that because they continue to vote themselves raises and make sure that they're not included in Obamacare. They have expense accounts and countless other perks, including graft and bribe taking. To Obozo and the other assholes in Congress, politics is just a game and they're so self absorbed about their own legacy that they are leading America right down the porcelain receptacle.

Unemployment remains high, people are losing their homes and the cost of food and gasoline continues to be unacceptable. At what point in time does our leaders finally get the picture? Maybe that time will come when America starts dealing with their politicians the same way they do in Mexico and other third world countries......

New Rule for Kim Kardashian: Your father was on OJ's legal dream team so you can't Tweet your disappointment over the Casey Anthony verdict. It's like Tricia Nixon bitching about presidential corruption. And remember, your father started a proud Kardashian tradition: getting black men off.

The News As I See It: The royal couple really immersed themselves in American culture while visiting. In fact, when they left, they were $2 trillion in debt. It’s the first time that two unemployed people from another country have come to L.A. and left.

A lawmaker in California is pushing for 13 counties to break away and form a new state called South California. Meanwhile, residents are pushing for a more fitting name: "North Mexico."

President Obozo's staff got raises of 8 percent, more than double the average for regular Americans, which is 3 percent. But to be fair, many of them will be unemployed next November.

Schools in Detroit and Chicago are dropping writing portions from standardized test. When asked why, a spokesman said, "We don't be needing them."

A man was busted at JFK airport for smuggling six pounds of cocaine in his sneakers. That’s right, his plan was hiding cocaine in his shoes — you know, those things that you never, ever have to take off at the airport.

While criticizing President Obozo over debt talks, John Boehnerhead said quote, "It takes two to tango." Then Joe O'Biden was like, "Sure, but it only takes one to break dance."

Lawyers for Dominique Strauss Kah now say that the maid in the ritzy hotel also worked as a hooker. So he could walk. A maid who is also a hooker. That’s like Arnold Schwarzenegger’s dream date.

This Date In History: 1793; French revolutionary Jean Paul Marat was stabbed to death in his bath by royalist sympathizer Charlotte Corday. 1863; The draft riots, protesting unfair conscription in the Civil War, began in New York City.

1865; P.T. Barnum's American Museum, which had featured Tom Thumb and the original Siamese twins Chang and Eng, was destroyed by fire. 1930; The first World Cup soccer competition began in Montevideo, Uruguay.

1943; The Battle of Kursk, the largest tank battle in history—involving some 6,000 tanks, 2,000,000 troops, and 4,000 aircraft—ended in German defeat. 1977; A 25-hour blackout hit New York City, engendering widespread rioting and looting. 2003; Iraq's interim governing council was inaugurated.

Picture Of The Day: This really says it all.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Class, it's time for sex education. Eziekel and Ishmael, in accordance with your parent's wishes, you may step out into the hall and pray for our souls. 2) A friend of mine recently told me that elks have sex 10 to 15 times a night. That's just my luck, I just joined the VFW. 3) Good sex can correct poor posture...or at least make you stand up straight. 4) I'm getting nearer to the age where food tries to take the place of sex in one's life. I'm not there yet, but I have thought about putting a mirror put over my dinning room table. 5) Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers. Perverted sex involves the whole duck (that quacks me up!).....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Cancer July 13th: Okay, it's not Friday, but it is the 13th. I'm just saying.... Anywho, if you do go out and brave the steamy night, wear your best under garments. You're either going to get lucky or a paramedic may have to attend to you. Hey, it's the 13th, it could go either way.....

Birthdays: Nathan Bedford Forrest, general 1821, Isaac Babel, writer 1894, Wole Soyinka, playwright, poet, novelist, essayist, and political activist 1934, Patrick Stewart, director 1940, Harrison Ford, actor 1942, Cameron Crowe, director, screenwriter 1957.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river." Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

An elderly couple, Murray and Maude, were having trouble with their romantic lives. They visited the doctor who listened carefully, then pronounced his diagnosis. The doctor said, "At your age, you need spontaneity and immediacy. The next time you feel the urge, carry it out. I don't care it it's on the dining room table, take action."

The next month, the Murray and Maude returned for their visit. The doctor asked, "Murray, how did my suggestion work?" Murray said, "Great, but we can't eat at Denneys' anymore."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date. The little girl asks, "Mommy, how old are you?" Her mother replied, "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age. It's not polite." The little girl says, "Okay, how much do you weigh?" The mother says, "Those are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" The mother says, "That's enough questions, young lady!"

After arriving at her friends house, the two little friends begin to play in the back-yard. The little girl says. "My Mom won't tell me anything about herself." Her friend quietly replied, "All you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, mom... You are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?" The little girl continues, "I also know that you weigh 130 pounds." The mother is both surprised and shocked now. Her mother says, "How in Heaven's name did you find that out?"

The little girl says triumphantly, "I saw it on your driver's license. I also know why you and daddy got a divorce." Her mother says, "Oh really? Why?'' The little girl says, "Because you got an F in sex..!"

The circus came to town and an ad for an animal trainer was placed in the local paper. Only two applicants showed up, a male and a female. The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer, so he would choose the one with the best act. At first glance it appeared that the female was much better prepared, since she came to the interview in a very long flowing cape, with a whip and chair. She looked more like a model than a trainer.

The man's only distinguishing feature was a soggy cigar stuffed between his cracked and leathery lips. The owner asked who would like to go first, and the man said, "Ladies before Gentleman." So the lady asked for her special music to be played, and once the music started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip snapping. She motioned the attendant to release the tiger.

The tiger leaped into the cage snarling. The young lady threw aside her whip, tossed back her cape and sat on the chair as naked as the day she was born. The tiger then circled her, sniffing the air, then suddenly leaped toward her, put its face between her legs and started licking. She threw back her head moaning, holding the tiger by the ears with her thighs. She rode on the tiger's face all around the cage.

Then the owner looked at the man and said, "That's quite an act. Think you can do better than that?" The man spit out his cigar and said, "No problem, just get that damned tiger out of the way!"

Three old men are discussing their sex lives. The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end."

The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex I rubbed her body allover with butter. We made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes.

The old Jewish man says, "Well last week my wife and I sex too. I rubbed her body all over with kosher chicken fat, we made love and she screamed for 6 hours. The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They replied, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?" The old Jewish man said, "I wiped my hands on the drapes."

That's it for today my little monkey shines. Remember, golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at. It's hump day and I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. By the way, I've given up golf. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Just Follow These Simple Instructions.....

I'm not a computer tech but I have learned that it's best to read the instructions prior to making changes to my computer. That said, today I upgraded the memory on my computer mainly because the intolerable shrieking noise it was making reminded me too much of some ex-wives and ex-girlfriends.

The reason I bring up instructions is that they sadly do not add Murphy's Law into the equation, thus rendering said instructions useless. Oh yeah, the technical part of it was 90% correct. I say 90% because the instructions (both written and via video) showed the tech simply "clicking in" the new memory card. Well, it eventually did click in, after I applied enough pressure to slightly cut my hand.

Of course, my hand decided to react to the cut as if it had been severed in two and bled like a stuck pig right into the computer. This is the part where Mr. Murphy decided to put in his two cents worth and I decided to create new curse words to spout out to no one in particular.

After Murphy's Law kicked in, I realized that the only part that was missing was for my cat, Possum S. Hemmingway (AKA Shithead) to sit down on the memory card (which he did). As I reached over to shoo him away, my glasses fell off and I dropped the tiny part I was holding into the computer. Since I have a quick temper, I decided to take a walk and Shithead decided he'd heard enough and went to take a nap.

Bottom line, after I relaxed and had a beer, everything finally fell into place and my computer is now quietly humming as we speak. Oh, and Shithead's not speaking to me.....

The News As I See It: Prince William and wife Kate visited Skid Row while in Los Angeles. I think they want to see Arnold Schwarzenegger.

CNN canceled Eliot Spitzer's show on CNN. I guess producers canceled it after they realized it was still on.

Democrats are warning that if the debt ceiling isn’t raised, the government will cease to function. How will we be able to tell?

The government is warning that terrorists may try to blow up airplanes by implanting bombs under their skin. The airlines responded by saying they’ll charge any terrorists that do this a $50 fee.

Lady Gaga complained that the U.S. is allowing Iran and North Korea to get nukes and we have to stop them. Before the White House makes any decision, they’re waiting to hear from Britney Spears.

A toddler in China fell 10 stories out of a window and was caught by a woman walking by. The kid was fine. He didn’t even miss a day of work.

This Date In History: 1533; Pope Clement VII excommunicated England's King Henry VIII. 1804; Former vice president Aaron Burr fatally wounded former secretary of the treasury Alexander Hamilton in a duel. Hamilton died the following afternoon.

1864; Confederate general Jubal A. Early and his troops attacked Washington, DC. They retreated the next day, ending the Confederate threat to occupy the capital. 1914; Babe Ruth made his major league baseball debut as a pitcher for the Boston Red Sox.

1977; Martin Luther King, Jr., was posthumously awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom for his work to advance civil rights. 1989; Actor Laurence Olivier died. 1995; The United States and Vietnam established full diplomatic relations.

Picture Of The Day: My thanks to my pal Michelle for this beautiful picture that I pilfered from her Facebook page.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Just once, I'd like to see the local TV news interview someone at a crime scene who wasn't surprised the crime occurred in a neighborhood like theirs. 2) Just once, I'd like to see a drug commercial that says, "May cause extreme awesomeness and perpetual health." 3) Just once, I'd like to see a woman show what's "really" in her bag. 4) Just once, I'd like to see a realistic tampon commercial with the actress sobbing herself to sleep with a half-chewed Snickers. 5) Just once, I'd like someone to call me "Sir," without adding, "You're making a scene".....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Cancer - July 11th: Although I'm a Taurus, I suggest that you stay away from cats and computers for today. It may have nothing to do with you but it wasn't a very good idea for me today. I'm just saying.... On the other hand, there's nothing wrong with a nice glass of wine tonight and call a few friends to say hello. Hell, just call me......

Birthdays: My pal Ally. Happy Birthday sweetheart 19XX, Robert the Bruce, Scottish King 1274, Thomas Bowdler, editor 1754, John Quincy Adams, American president 1767, E. B. White, writer 1899, Yul Brynner, actor 1920.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An woman goes to a surgeon to get rid of her wrinkles. He tells her there is a new invention called "the knob" that gets installed in the back of the head. Any time you get more wrinkles, just turn the knob to tighten up the skin. She has it installed and everything is great for a year.

Then one day she comes back to the surgeon and complains about the bags under her eyes. He says "Let me take a look." The surgeon looks and says,"Those aren't bags, those are your boobs!" The woman replies. "Well, I guess that explains the goatee!"

An old man and his wife went to the doctor's office and the doctor asked the man for a blood, urine, and feces sample. The old man was slightly deaf and said, "What?" Again, the doctor said, "I need a blood, urine and feces sample." The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into his ear, "Murray, the doctor needs a pair of your underwear!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A man goes to see the Rabbi and says, "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says. "I spoke to your wife...spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison!"

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. Believing he is dying on the sidewalk, the man gasps, "A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" A policeman checks the crowd.....no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind. The man says again, A Priest, please!"

Then out of the crowd steps a little old man dressed shabbily and of at least eighty years of age. The man says, "Mr. Policeman, I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I've been living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agrees and brings the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured man and says slowly in a solemn voice, "B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72..."

Three priests were in a train station on their way home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight sweater. She made the three priests very nervous so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets. The first priest approached the window and said, "Young lady, I would like three pickets to titsburg." He completely lost his composure and scurried away.

The second priest goes to the window and says, "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." Mortified, he too hurried away.

The third priest moves to the window and says, "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, I must say, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger is going to shake his Peter at you."

That's it for today my little puddy tats. Remember, Monday is the root of all evil. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

The End Of An Era

With threatening weather in the area, space shuttle Atlantis lifted off today from Cape Canaveral, marking the end of an era. The space shuttle program, which began in 1981, comes to an end when the Atlantis’ wheels roll to a stop on the runway in two weeks. God speed to the crew and a successful mission.

Obamacare, hmmm...... Let me get this straight. We're going to be "gifted" with a health care plan that we are forced to purchase and fined if we don't. It purportedly covers at least ten million more people without adding a single new doctor, but provides for 16,000 new IRS agents. It's written by a committee whose chairman says he doesn't understand it, passed by a Congress that didn't read it, but exempted themselves from it.

It is signed by a President who smokes, with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes, for which we'll be taxed for four years before any benefits take effect, by a government which has already bankrupted Social Security and Medicare. All this will be overseen by a surgeon general who is obese and financed by a country that's broke! What could possibly go wrong??

Texas executed Humberto Leal Garcia, a Mexican national, for the rape and murder of 16-year-old Adria Sauceda hours after she left a party with him in San Antonio, Texas in 1994, a charge that he admitted. The Mexican government denounced the execution saying Garcia was denied access to legal council from the Mexican Embassy. Here's my counsel. Don't jump the U.S.-Mexico border fence, then rape and murder a 16-year-old American girl or we will kill you.

The News As I See It: The new Presidential and Congressional rhetoric after another rise in unemployment is that it was caused by "headwinds"(?) and we need to have "shared sacrifice." I guess "kick the can down the road" was becoming a bit overused. What a bunch of inefficient assholes!

The TSA can't stop a Muslim with a fake ID and a day-old boarding pass, but they strip-search a 95 year old granny in a wheelchair. Government efficiency at its finest.

Vice President Joe O'Biden has a new Twitter account. He said he will not rest until he can embarrass President Obozo on every media platform ever invented.

A woman in Mexico was arrested after she tried sneak her husband out of prison inside her suitcase after a conjugal visit. Or as Southwest Airlines calls it, the next big thing in air travel.

Newt Gingrich says he does not support gay marriage. He says marriage is a sacred sacrament that should only be between a man and his first, second, and third wives.

This Date In History: 1776; The first public reading of the Declaration of Independence was given in Philadelphia, Pa. 1777; Vermont became the first colony to abolish slavery. 1889; The Wall Street Journal began publication.

1950; General Douglas MacArthur was named commander-in-chief of the United Nations forces in Korea. 1958; The Recording Industry Association of America awarded the first official gold album. It was for the Oklahoma soundtrack. 1986; Kurt Waldheim was inaugurated as president of Austria.

Picture Of The Day: Just once, I'd like to see the underdog win.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) An apple a day keeps the doctor away. An onion a day should take care of everyone else. 2) I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. 3) Even rarer than a doctor who can't stand the sight of blood Is a lawyer who can't stand the sight of money. 4) I walked into my doctor's office and said, "Doctor, I've eaten something that disagrees with me." A voice from inside my stomach said, "No, you haven't." 5) You know you're getting old when you go to the doctor and you realize that you have to pay someone to look at you naked.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Cancer - July 8th: Don't think that just because it's Friday you can rush through the day and make it to happy hour early. Be responsible! Try to find someone to whom you can delegate the work. Don't wear that same outfit you wore last Friday. The person you've been watching will remember the outfit and that's a turn-off. Of course, if you wait and go later, they will have already polished off three drinks and it won't really matter what you're wearing.

Birthdays: Jean de La Fontaine, poet 1621, Joseph Chamberlain, statesman 1836, Ferdinand Zeppelin, airship inventor and builder 1838, John D. Rockefeller, American industrialist and philanthropist 1839, Nelson A. Rockefeller, public official 1908, Julia Carson, politician 1938, Anjelica Huston, actress 1951, Kevin Bacon, actor 1958.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the wooden toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.

When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?" The doctor replies, "Well, yes, but never framed."

Steve says to his doctor, "I want to be castrated." The doctors says, "What on earth for?" Steve says, "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and my girlfriend suggested it." The doctor says, "Steve, you know you are dyslexic and you ought to think it through. It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back!" Steve says, "My girlfriend and I aware of that and you're not going to change my mind." The doctor says,"Well, okay, but it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way. Steve says, "Hi there. It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me." The patient said, "Well, I waited for year but my wife and I finally decided that it would be better if I was circumcised." Steve stared at him in horror and yelled, "Shit! That's the word!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

A woman took her dog to the vet. She said, "I think my dog is dead." The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn't move. The vet said, "Well, your dog isn't dead, but he needs rest. You've probably got kids at home."

The woman says, "Thank god! He has been playing a lot with the twins. How much do I owe you?" The doctor says, "$345". The woman says, "$345!!?" The doctor says, "Yes, $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."

A rancher needed a bull to service his cows but had to borrow the money from the bank to do so. The banker who lent the money came by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complained that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.

The next week the banker returned to see if the vet had helped. The farmer, looking very pleased, said, "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence and has serviced all my neighbor's cows too!" The banker says, "Wow, what did the vet do to that bull?" The farmer said, "He just gave him some pills." The banker asked, "What kind of pills?" The farmer said, "I don't know, but they sort of tasted like peppermint."

A female veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions about symptoms and how long had they been occurring. Finally, she interrupted him and said. "Hey look, I'm a vet. I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions. I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have to put you to sleep."

That's it for today my little doodle bugs. Remember, sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. I gotta remember that. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. I hope they have a question and answer session. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !