I Love Mysterious Women

The most interesting things about a woman are her mystery, her eyes and her sense of humor. The latter being important because I would be otherwise dateless. There are other obvious qualities that one considers, but the above three qualities do not deteriorate over time.

Without question, all relationships begin with the eyes. Someone catches your fancy and under most circumstances, the relationship begins. It can end abruptly when one may say, "Hi, my name's Jimmy" and the response (among others) is, "You must be very proud."

But sooner or later even a blind squirrel finds an acorn and the relationship continues. The next few dates are are usually of a physical nature (whether in actuality or thought).

Once one has satisfied the inquisitive nature of that natural response, the relationship may or may not bloom (In doggie  speak, this usually is referred to sticking one's nose into another one's business).

Interactions usually determine the theoretical length of the relationship. A commonality in various thoughts and beliefs begin to pare and shape the future of the relationship.

Lauren Bacall

Although one's looks is important to most people, I find myself considering same and looking past that to their mystery. Predictabilty usually bores me over time, in spite of other contributing and attractive (you'll excuse the expression, "assets"), the women in my mind are on par with a Lauren Bacall.

My tastes in women are easily observed by taking a trip down memory lane on the sidebar of my journal. Most of the restraining orders have expired......

Mystery and "those eyes" are usually my cup of tea although, admittedly, my spiritual counselor, Johnnie Walker Black, has encouraged and led me down different paths over the years. Sometimes, it just feels like the right thing to do.

The moral of the story? For every Jack there's a Jill and assuming most things happen with good intentions, my advice is, "Whatever floats your boat......"

The News As I See It: Donald Trump’s new immigration policy would not give automatic citizenship to children born in America if they have foreign parents. Trump said, "Nothing personal, Sasha and Malia." Trump landed his helicopter at the state fair and offered to take some kids on a ride in the helicopter. Twenty kids took the helicopter ride with Trump. He dropped them off in Texas. They're now building a wall on the border.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said that Hillary Clinton's arrogance is "breathtaking." Of course, he also said the same thing about a flight of stairs.

There are reports that if Joe Biden runs for president, he would promise to serve for only one term — because nothing says confidence like promising your presidency would be over quickly.

Starbucks announced that their pumpkin spice latte will now be made with a little bit of pumpkin. Also, their Frappuccino will now be made with a little bit of Al Pacino.

This Date In History: 1812; The U.S. frigate Constitution, Old Ironsides, defeated the British ship Guerriere during the War of 1812. 1934; Germans voted to make Adolf Hitler Fuhrer.

1960; American U-2 pilot Francis Gary Powers was convicted of espionage in Moscow. 1977; Comedian Groucho Marx died in Los Angeles at age 86.

2003; U.N. special representative Sergio Vieira de Mello was one of 22 killed when a suicide car bomb struck the UN's Baghdad headquarters.

Picture Of The Day: Trustworthy?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Don't eat anything that's served to you out of a window unless you're a seagull. 2) The one good thing about going through foreclosure is that it does get you out of the house. 3) One of the nice things about owning a cat is that a cat will not wake you up in the middle of the night to ask, "If I died, would you get another cat?" 4) It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the fourth or the fifth. 5) I have a doctor friend who worked for 40 years trying to find the cure for Alzheimer's Disease. In the end, he found the cure, but then he forgot it.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 19th: Minor changes to your driving style allows you to feel like you're a better driver. You're not, but it's the thought that counts. Today should be good for you but I wouldn't eat any seafood. Come to think of it, I wouldn't go near any body of water.

Birthdays: John Dryden, poet, dramatist, and critic 1631, Orville Wright, aviation pioneer 1871, Coco Chanel, fashion designer 1883, Ogden Nash, poet 1902, Malcolm Forbes, publisher 1919, Willie Shoemaker, jockey 1931, William Jefferson Clinton (born William Jefferson Blythe III) 1946, Matthew Perry, actor 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man took his wife to the doctor and was sitting in the waiting room when the doctor came out to see him. He said, "Mr. Goldberg, I have good news. Your wife is in good health and the only think she needs for her to be better is to have sex on Wednesdays and Saturdays."

Mr. Goldberg said, "Ok, doctor, if you think that will help. I can bring her here on Wednesdays but Saturdays I play golf, so she'll have to take the bus."

A man goes to his doctor's office and says, "I'm sorry doctor, I know this is unusual, but I seem to have lettuce stuck up my ass!" The doctor says, "Good grief! I'd better take a look."

The doctor examines the man and says, "It's even worse and that's just the tip of the iceberg!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A drunk is sitting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful woman sits down next to him. The drunk, seeing opportunity buys the women a beer and proceeds to hit on her. Then, he asks her, "Would you sleep with me for a million dollars?" The woman looks at him and says, "For a million dollars, sure!"

The drunk then asks, "Would you sleep with me for 20 dollars?" The woman is instantly upset and yells, "Twenty dollars, what do you think I am some kind of whore?!" The drunk then looks at her and says, "We have already established that fact, madam, now we're just negotiating the price."

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students and said, "Human beings are the only animals that stutter." A little girl raises her hand and said, "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

The little girl said, "Well, I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

The teacher said, "That must have been scary."The little girl said, "It sure was! My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff' and before he could say 'F*ck', the Rottweiler ate him!"

That's it for today, my little tater tots. Remember, everyone needs to believe in something. I believe I'll have beer. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More on Wednesday.

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Rocking Friday Night With Everett Strachan and CryWolf

I was fortunate to be in the company of Luly, Paul and friends for a great night at Woody's Tavern in Miami Springs on Friday. The entertainment was provided by my friends Everett and Crywolf. I was able to bribe the band and sit in for a song as well.

The rains threatened us all night but the team of Cosmos and Scotch fought back gallantly and toward the end of the night, we didn't care if we got wet, anyway.

Although I'm always in touch with my brother Everett, it had been too long since I had performed with him and perform we did! Both Everett and I ad-lib well and we just took a song and laid in down to the apparent delight of the crowd. Of course, it's easy to sound good with a great band like Crywolf.

The beautiful Luly was really nice to take the many pictures shown on today's post and, as usual, they all came out well. With me, after a few scotches, I'm fortunate to even remember I have a phone, much less take pictures.

Needless to say our group had a lot of fun and Everett and CryWolf were outstanding. Aside from their musical ability, outstanding harmony and vocals, the mark of a good group is to play songs that people want to hear and dance to....and that's exactly what they did!

As for me, I enjoyed myself immensely! The company was great, the music was fantastic and my sweet waitress Jenn took good of me. For the Miami locals, don't miss a chance to hear Everett Strachan and CryWolf.

The News As I See It: There are reports that Justin Bieber's next album will be released in November. As usual, Justin is expected to collaborate with a number of other artists including Skrillex, Diplo, Flipcoin, 2 Chainz, Lowdown and Rihanna. And yes, I made two of those names up.

Landlords who don't allow dogs but do allow children don't know very much about children.

This Date In History: 1807; Robert Fulton's steamboat, the Clermont, began its trip up the Hudson River to Albany. 1863; Fort Sumter, S.C. was bombarded by Union ships during the Civil War.

1896; Prospectors found gold in Alaska, a discovery that set off the Klondike gold rush. 1945; Indonesian nationalists proclaimed independence from the Netherlands.

1962; 18-year-old Peter Fechter was shot and killed by guards at the Berlin Wall, spurring riots. 1969; Hurricane Camille devastated the Gulf Coast, killing 248 people.

1978; The first successful trans-Atlantic balloon flight landed outside of Paris. 1987; Rudolf Hess, Adolf Hitler's second in command, committed suicide.

2008; U.S. swimmer Michael Phelps won his eighth gold medal, breaking the record set by Mark Spitz in the 1972 Games. Phelps also set the record for the most golds in a single Olympics.

Picture Of The Day: What better company can you ask for?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots and lisp. 2) So many Jehovah's Witnesses and yet not one will admit to seeing the accident. 3) There are no absolutes in this world.....except vodka. 4) My friend's daughter asked me what language they speak in England. This would have been cute if she wasn't 20 and in college. 5) Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 17th: The stars are pretty much describing a situation where a self-prescribed course of celibacy may help you regain the confidence that is lacking in your love life. Love comes in all shapes and sizes. By the time you find yours, all the good shapes and sizes will have gone.

Birthdays: William Carey, missionary 1761, Davy Crockett, frontiersman 1786, Marcus Garvey,  black nationalist leader 1887, Mae West, actress, comedienne 1893, Ted Hughes, poet 1930 V. S. Naipaul, author 1932, Robert De Niro, film actor 1943, Sean Penn actor 1960.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An older man and his wife were sitting at a table at their high school reunion, and the man kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

His wife asked, "Do you know her?" He sighed, "Yes, she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

His wife replied, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

A woman who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a novelty shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned her crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm.

She purred, "Want some of this?" Her husband looked down and replied, "Are you kidding? Look what it did to those panties!"
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. We even called up the lady next door and she tried too, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked. He asked, "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the damned jar open."

A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the fourth grade." The boy replied, "No, ma'am, I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race today."

That's it for today, my little mushrooms. Remember, bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.

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More on Wednesday.

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The Florida Keys ~ The Party Years

Fishing is fun, but the Keys nightlife is outrageous. Once again, some stories remain private, at least until the statute of limitations expire. But today's stories are a brief look into my yesteryear.

My partners and I bought a condo in Islamorada back in the 80s ostensibly for the fishing and diving. Since I knew the Keys nightlife relatively well, I knew the condo would serve those purposes as well.

I have great pictures of the renovations we made. but unfortunately they are in the Alzheimer's file. I will publish them if and when I find the file.

We usually cooked dinner at our condo because no restaurant had fresher snapper or lobster than we did. My friend Donna was (and still is) one of the best cooks I've ever met and no one prepares seafood better than her!

The parties at the then called "Top Of The Isle" in Islamorada were great. I recall one evening we were having dinner there for about 6-7 couples and I happened to look over and see World Champion boxer Alexis Arguello dining with friends.

Having admired Arguello's skills over the years, I told the group that I was going to ask for his autograph. Everyone said, "no, let him dine in peace" but anyone who's ever seen Jimmy after a couple of scotches knew that was not going to happen.

I walked over, asked his pardon and asked for an autograph for my son. Being the gentleman that he was, I gave me the personalized autograph for Kevin. He told me to come by his boat the next day for pictures and asked if I would like to go fishing with him and his group.

I politely declined and when I returned to my table, all the other guys went over and asked for his autograph as well. A great evening.Some of the parties I went to started out in a speedboat owned by a friend and we went from bar to bar via the speedboat.

It was during this time that my friend Larry and I and our spiritual leader Johnnie Walker Black, who possessed Larry to point out an attractive lady at the bar sitting next to a huge man. I didn't see her at first, but Larry said, It's the cute blond sitting beside that fat ----."

Naturally, the blond repeated Larry's remark word for word and we had to leave hurriedly in a taxi leaving our sons Lance and Kevin at the restaurant. We passed our wives who were joining us and told them to go get the kids and we'd explain later. No  one found it amusing, except for Larry and I. No one got in trouble, except Larry and I.

There are a lot of Keys stories, including my friend landing his helicopter illegally at a restaurant or the time Larry and I rode home in the trunk of a car with the lid up and mooning passersby, much to the chagrin of our wives and their friends who were in a car behind us. Maybe we'll address those subjects on another day.....

Part of our motly crew - Guess which one is Larry?

The News As I See It: Bernie Sanders has now passed Hillary Clinton in the New Hampshire polls. It’s the first time anyone’s ever been passed by a guy in a Prius. Bernie is polling at 44 percent among Democrats in New Hampshire and has passed Hillary Clinton as the Democratic front-runner. In another new poll, zero percent of Hillary's staffers wanted to be the one to bring her that news.

Officials investigating Hillary's email scandal found that two of the four classified emails on her private account had information labeled "Top Secret." That was pretty stupid. Everyone knows if you want to hide stuff on your computer, you put it in a folder labeled "Tax Stuff 2008".

According to a new study conducted by Facebook, the laughter signifier "LOL," or laughing out loud, is barely being used anymore. So, LOL is dead? Actually, nobody was ever actually laughing out loud to begin with. It's just a saying, like "I'm going to the gym" or "It's so great running into you."

Just because LOL is dead on Facebook doesn't mean it’s dead in real life. If it's like any other dying trend, LOL will continue to be used by senior citizens and Christian rock bands for at least a decade. The study goes on to reveal that instead of writing LOL, people are writing "haha," which works in print, but if you ever actually laugh like that in real life you sound like you're being really sarcastic.

A new study claims that first grade students are getting three times more homework than they should be doing. This is coming from the lead researcher, "Timmy."

This Date In History: 1900; International forces entered Beijing, China, in an effort to suppress the anti-foreign uprising known as the Boxer Rebellion. 1935; The Social Security Act became law.

1945; Japan surrendered to the United States, ending World War II. 1947; Pakistan became independent of British rule. 1951; Newspaper publisher William Randolph Hearst died in Beverly Hills, California.

1995; Shannon Faulkner became the first female cadet at the Citadel, the state military college of South Carolina. 1997; Timothy McVeigh was sentenced to death for the Oklahoma City bombing. 2003; The largest blackout in North American history hit the northeast.

Picture Of The Day: The Lorelei Restaurant at Dusk

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Brother Kirt told me that two or three glasses or wine per day can reduce your risk of giving a shit. 2)  Christian Mingle: Find God's match for you. Because the Lord works in mysterious ways and I'm positive that setting up a website for his people to hook up is a top priority. 3) I don't always drink tequila but when I do, I always wonder where my car and clothes are. 4) My grandma keeps talking about her monthly checks, prescription drugs and how much she loves Miami. I think she's a rapper. 5) A cute bank teller told me she wanted to make love to me in the vault. She's a little kinky, but at least she's into safe sex.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 14th: You have romance in your heart, but it needs to be released. Relax all your muscles, with the exception of any sphincters. See, you're already getting mentally prepared for a relationship. Try the new companion website for religious potato chip lovers. It's called Christian Pringles.

Birthdays: Ernest Everett Just, biologist, educator 1883, Russell Baker, columnist 1925, Steve Martin, comedian, actor 1945, Danielle Steel, author 1947, Magic Johnson, basketball player 1959, Halle Berry, actress, model 1966.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under a huge buck.

One of the other hunters asked, "Where's Harry?" The man said, "He fell over a log a couple miles up the trail and broke his ankle."

The other hunter said, "You left him lying there alone and carried the deer back?" The hunter answered, "It was a tough decision, but I figured no one was going to steal Harry."

A guy is walking along a sandy southern beach when he comes across a brass lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it the proverbial rub.

A genie springs forth in a cloud and tells him, "You have been granted one wish. Not three. That's a myth. One is all you get, so make it count."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever." The genie says, "Sorry, I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."

The guy says, "OK, then, I want to die right after the Democrats balance the budget and eliminate the national debt."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

How To Start Each Day With A Positive Outlook:

1. Open a new folder in your computer.
2. Name it "Barack Obama".
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. The PC will ask: Do you want to get rid of Barack Obama?
6. Firmly Click "Yes."
7. Feel better? Good! – Monday we’ll do Hillary Clinton.

The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to a group of Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.

It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting or trapping the predators, these two groups were offering a "more humane" solution.

What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and turned loose again. Thus the population would be controlled.

This was actually proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the U.S.F.S. The ranchers listened to the presentation and then sat there in a sort of dumb-found silence, trying to make sense of the amazing proposal they had just heard.

Finally, an old boy in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand our problem. Those coyotes ain't screwin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!"

That's it for today, my little petunias. Remember, the hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hit man you can trust. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

The Florida Keys - Part Deux ~ Conch Key Adventures

It's impossible to relate my escapades in the Keys in a few short posts, but there are many stories that deserve mentioning. One particular story involves Brother Kirt and I, our friend Ronnie,  and an older family friend named Mr. Ritter.

Mr. Ritter overheard Kirt and I talking about fishing in Conch Key when we were kids and, out of the goodness of his heart, offered to take us fishing in the Keys.

We headed to the Keys one morning in Mr. Ritter's 1958 Chevrolet station wagon, stopping on the way to purchase bait consisting of mullet and shrimp, a few bags of ice and some sodas. Our destination was the Channel Five bridge which is just before Conch Key.

Arriving about midday, we parked the car where the sea wall meets the bridge. Excited about our arrival, we immediately began casting for anything that bites. We caught about 10 decent snapper and grunt. Yep, I eat grunts. Not much meat on 'em but if you catch enough, they make a fine meal. Ever heard of "grits and grunts"?

We iced the fish and Mr. Ritter lied down in the station wagon for a nap. As I was baiting my hook, I happen to look down in the crystal clear 8-10 feet of water and saw the largest jewfish I've ever seen. How big was it?

If I had the cojones, I could have jumped on it and rode it like a horse. It was easily the size of the jewfish pictured below. Apparently, it had discovered the remains of the mullet we had cut for bait.

I yelled for my brother and our pal Ronnie to come. They couldn't believe the size of the jewfish. I happened to have had a very large shark hook and I came up with a plan to catch the jewfish.

I would bait the shark hook with an entire mullet, tie the hook using the rope from the bait bucket and tie same to the bumper of Mr Ritter's station wagon. It was about that time that Mr. Ritter heard the commotion and awoke from his nap.

Bear in mind that we were teenagers and I may have been in the 10th grade. Brother Kirt and Ronnie were younger. Mr. Ritter's eyes lit up when he saw that large jewfish, but when he became aware that our plan to catch it entailed tying the rope to the bumper of his station wagon, he nixed the plan. He actually feared that the fish might pull his car into the water.

That night, we continued fishing and later, using a flashlight, observed the many Florida lobster that were hiding in the crevices of the seawall. All of those antennae poking out of the seawalls and, alas, out of season. I don't know if lobsters have Twitter accounts to apprise them of opening season, but you never see them in the seawalls during the season.

I've had many an adventure on Conch Key and the Channel 5 bridge. I've seen unbelievable schools of 5-6 foot tarpon pass under the bridge. I saw an college aged kid catch a large permit from the catwalk and learned that permit run sideways when hooked and it's like reeling in a bucket of water.

I also saw the same college idiot snag a beautiful manta ray with a wing span of easily 12 feet. Fortunately, the huge manta ray took it with a grain of salt and took every bit of line off the kid's reel. The line broke when the manta triumphantly leaped into the air.

The kid lamented that he had just had fresh line put on his reel  costing him a pretty penny. I told him, "Maybe you shouldn't have snagged the manta."

I will post my final entry on the Florida Keys on Friday.

The News As I See It: Hillary Clinton has a $350 billion plan that she says will make college more affordable. That's better than my parent's plan to make college affordable which was, "Be good at sports."

A PAC supporting Hillary Clinton just received an anonymous donation of $1 million. Which means that if she wins any of us can say that it was us that gave her the million bucks and hit her up for a favor. What’s interesting is that this million-dollar donation came just two weeks after Hillary spoke out against, "the endless flow of secret, unaccountable money" into campaigns.

Liberal Socialist Democrat Bernie Sanders had a rally in Los Angeles last night attended by over 27,000 supporters. The rally set the world record for most Priuses in one parking lot.

A new poll shows that Hillary Clinton is only six points ahead of Bernie Sanders. Today a very confident Hillary said, "Oh, please. Like I'm going to lose the Democratic nomination to a left-wing senator nobody's ever heard of?" Apparently, Hillary has forgotten about Obama in 2008.

A new report claims that William Shakespeare was a marijuana user and may have been high when he wrote some of his plays. Which explains that one line: "To be, or not to be...... What was the question?"

North Korea is creating its own time zone. It's going to push the country's time back a half hour. So it's not bad enough that they don't have food and they're ruled by an insane dictator. Now they have to wait until 8:00 to watch "Wheel of Fortune." 

For the first time American astronauts on the International Space Station ate vegetables grown in space. In other words, even space is getting more rain than California.

Bernie Sanders drew over 20,000 people to his campaign event in Portland this weekend. Sounds impressive, but remember, it’s Portland. You can draw a crowd of 20,000 people with a Frisbee.

Schooling Tarpon

This Date In History: 1624; Cardinal Richelieu was named chief minister of France by king Louis XIII. 1851; Issac Singer patented the sewing machine. 1865; British surgeon Joseph Lister became the first doctor to use an antiseptic during surgery.

1898; Hawaii was formally annexed to the United States. 1898; A peace protocol ending the Spanish-American War was signed. 1972; The last American combat troops left Vietnam. 1985; In the world's worst single-aircraft disaster, a Japan Air Lines 747 crashed into Mount Osutaka, killing 520 of the 524 aboard.

1998; Swiss banks agreed to pay $1.25 billion to settle lawsuits brought by Holocaust survivors and their heirs. The banks had kept millions of dollars deposited by Holocaust victims before and during World War II.

2000; The Russian military submarine, Kursk, and its crew were lost in the Barents Sea. 2004; N.J. governor James McGreevey announced his resignation.

2013; Notorious Boston gangster James (Whitey) Bulger was found guilty of 31 of the 32 charges he faced, including murder, extortion, money laundering, drug dealing and possession of weapons.

Picture Of The Day: A great place to lie back and take it all in.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor. 2) We should really thank our Dads for bringing us into this world since our Moms were probably tired and not in the mood. 3) If a tree falls in the woods, it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose. 4) Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girlfriend's hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins.  5) If I'm in a public bathroom and someone else in that same bathroom is on the phone and states that they are anywhere else, I flush the toilet.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 12th: All of your goals are achievable, although some of them would involve bionic implants and a bit of embezzlement. On another subject, If you are cornered by raccoons in the wild, place your thumb and index finger tips together and make a bandit mask. They will accept you.

Birthdays: George IV, king of Great Britain and Ireland (1820–30), eldest son and successor of George III 1762, Katharine Lee Bates, author 1859, Jacinto Benavente, dramatist 1866, Mary Roberts Rinehart, novelist 1876, Christy Mathewson, baseball player 1880, Cecil B. De Mille,  film director 1881, Erwin Schrödinger, theoretical physicist and cat owner 1887, Cantinflas, actor 1911 George Hamilton, actor, producer 1939, Pete Sampras, tennis player 1971.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge."

He continues, "I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000 bank account. However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?"

All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him, "So, you'll screw her again!"

While acquainting himself with a new elderly female patient, the doctor asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years.....when my husband was alive."
 

Conch Key circa 1958

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A business woman, in town for an important meeting, checked into her room at the swank hotel and unpacked her bags. Noticing that her best suit had been badly wrinkled during her flight, she telephoned the desk and asked the hotel's valet service to pick it up for pressing.

Almost immediately after she hung up the phone, a knock sounded at the door, and there stood an elderly Chinese man, waiting. Impressed by the fast service, the career woman exclaimed, "My, you come lickety-split!" The elderly Chinese man replied, "No ma'am, come to get laundry."

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He said he knows you!"

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. Mutual orgasm here and mutual orgasm there. That's all they talk about."

Ethel went on, "Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?" Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."  

That's it for today, my little puppy dogs. Remember, a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes" and a man's "I'll be home in five minutes" are exactly the same. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More on Friday.

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