Today's picture will be a fleeing mental image for any man who gives his significant other a pajamagram for Christmas. It's also a thought for men who wait until the last minute to shop. I would also advise against tool kits and any product from Bass Pro Shops.
While these particular items or venues often have appealing products, Christmas is not the time to give them as presents. As a desperate last resort, you may try a gift card but it had better be a hefty one.
Last minute shopping has never appealed to me mainly because I don't care for mingling or standing in lines. It is probably the main reason I have my own business. When I do shop, including groceries, I normally opt for early in the morning on a weekday.
That said, for those who have completed their Christmas shopping, I congratulate you. For those who haven't, copy that picture at the top of the page and take it with you as a reminder.....
There’s an annual contest at Bond University in Australia, calling for the most appropriate definition of a popular term.
This year’s chosen term was"Political Correctness".
The winning student wrote: Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and promoted by mainstream media which holds forth the premise that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end.
The News As I See It: We are only four days away from Christmas. This is the time when we really begin to cherish our family and friends by rushing out to CVS. To buy gift cards, and finding the only ones left are for subway and dick's sporting goods.
The Department of Health announced it's extending the enrollment period for Obamacare to January 1st. What better time to sign up for Obamacare than the day we all lie to ourselves about being healthier.
This Date In History: 1620;
The Pilgrims landed at Plymouth, Massachusetts.
1891;
The first basketball game, invented at Springfield College in Massachusetts by James E. Naismith, was played.
1898;
Pierre and Marie Curie discovered radium.
1913;
The first crossword puzzle was printed in the New York World.
1937;
Disney's Snow White, the first feature length color and sound cartoon, premiered.
1970;
Elvis Presley met with president Richard Nixon in the White House.
1988;
A terrorist bomb exploded aboard a Pan Am Boeing 747 over Lockerbie, Scotland, killing 270 people.
1991;
Eleven of the former Soviet republics form the Commonwealth of Independent States.
1995
Palestinians took over the control of the city of Bethlehem.
Picture Of The Day: The new Star Wars movie is treading on Santa's ground and Santa will fight back.....!
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My friend's daughter asked me what language they speak in England. This would have been cute if she wasn't 20 and in college.
2) If I'm in a public bathroom and someone else in that same bathroom is on the phone and states that they are anywhere else, I flush my toilet. 3) There's Jimmy and then there's Drinking Jimmy and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike. 4) Until they add extra fries and a martini, they have no business calling it a Happy Meal. 5) I'm amazed how popular baby Jesus was able to become without his mother posting a single picture of him on Facebook..... and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 21st: Temptation is everywhere, especially if you're willing to look for it. The best places to look are wedding receptions and class reunions.
Birthdays: Henrietta Szold, Zionist leader 1860, Joseph Stalin, Soviet Communist Leader 1879, Michael Tilson Thomas, conductor, composer, and pianist 1944.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: When I was married, my wife asked me to help the kids as to my theory on Amelia Earhart's disappearance. I told them, "Maybe she went black" and my wife said I didn't have to help the kids with homework any more.
A guy was in a bar about as drunk as it's possible to get. A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home.
First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down. He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.
After they get to his house, They pull him out of the car, falls again, they drag him to the front door, he falls down another four times at the door.
His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband home." The wife says, "Thank you so much. Where's his wheelchair?"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: John woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
He moaned, "Louise, tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?" Louise answered, "Even worse! You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
John said, "He's an asshole. Piss on him." Louise said, "You did and he fired you." John said, "Well, screw him!" Louise answered, "I did. You go back to work on Monday."
A man is waiting in line at the bus station. He finally makes his way to the attendant and notices she is well endowed and certainly showing it. He avoids looking at her breasts and promptly states "I'd like a picket to Titsburgh."
Realizing his mistake he grows red with embarrassment. After purchasing a ticket to Pittsburgh he sits and waits for his bus.
Shortly after sitting down a man walks up to him and says "Don't worry about that, it's called a 'Freudian Slip' and it happens all the time. Like the other day I was sitting with my wife at dinner and I meant to say 'pass me the salt please' but I accidentally said 'you've ruined my life, you horrible bitch."
Th
That's it for today, my little holly boughs. Remember, the next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say, "Sorry, I'm with a client."
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More on Wednesday.
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The New Star Wars movie has debuted. As far as I know, I never saw the first one, basically because I confuse Star Wars with Star Trek. I saw one of the two on HBO only to fall asleep before seeing the ending.
So-called action movies insult my intelligence. How one person can beat up five people or kill people with ten machine guns with only a pistol is ludicrous. Moreover, every action movie must have the obligatory car flipping over and exploding, with seven different views. Uh, really?
I don't go to the movies because they don't serve scotch and I don't like being around people who talk to the characters on the movie screen. It has been proven that they can't hear you, Tyrone.
If you think about it, sooner or later (sooner nowadays), all movies go to Netflix or Pay-Per-View. If you have even more patience, the movie eventually moves to cable where you can watch it free.
The end result would be you may be a year or two behind, but you'll see them all eventually and avoid all of the dumbass people who insist on camping out in front of a theater to be the first in line.
The News As I See It: Congress ended the federal government’s ban on medical marijuana this weekend. Good news for people with glaucoma as well as people with "glaucoma."
Here's some good news for parents A new survey just came out that says teens in the U.S. are now less likely to drink, smoke or use drugs. It's important, though, to consider the study's margin of error: the fact that no teen is going to tell you they're drinking, smoking or doing drugs.
This Date In History: 1737;
Violin maker Antonio Stradivari died in Cremona, Italy.
1787;
New Jersey became the third state to ratify the U.S. Constitution.
1865;
Slavery was abolished with the ratification of the 13th Amendment to the Constitution.
1892;
Tchaikovsky's "The Nutcracker Suite" premiered at St. Petersburg's Maryinksy Theatre.
1944;
The Supreme Court upheld the wartime internment of Japanese-Americans.
1956;
Japan was admitted to the United Nations.
1957;
The Shippingport Atomic Power Station in Pennsylvania became the first civilian nuclear facility to generate electricity in the United States.
1969;
The British Parliament abolished the death penalty for murder.
2000;
George W. Bush received 271 votes in the delayed Electoral College balloting.
Picture Of The Day: The Force continues.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The teacher asked the kids to pick out a "famous past explorer" for a class assignment. Three of the kids picked Internet Explorer 10.
2) Dogs lick each other's asses to show each other they like them - just like politicians. 3) I went to Match dot com. It wasn't to meet women. I went to find a mate for one of my socks. 4) Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they're making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first. 5) I almost hit a deer last night, but then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 18th: Your brain is overflowing with truly brilliant ideas. Focus on making your dreams a reality. The future holds many wonderful things, however, many of them exclude you in their plans. A romantic hotel break may be just the thing to spark up your love life this weekend. Bring someone with you this time.....
Birthdays: Paul Klee, artist 1879, Ty Cobb, baseball player 1886, Edwin Armstrong, engineer and radio inventor 1890, Fletcher Henderson, jazz composer and pianist 1897, Benjamin O. Davis, Jr., air force general 1912, Willy Brandt, political leader 1913, Betty Grable, actress 1916, Ossie Davis, actor, director, screenwriter 1917, Ramsey Clark, attorney general 1927, Keith Richards, musician, songwriter 1943, Steven Spielberg, American Film Director 1946, Ray Liotta, actor 1954, Brad Pitt, actor 1963, Arantxa Sanchez Vicario, tennis player 1971, Katie Holmes, actress 1978, Christina Aguilera, singer 1980.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and it's always silent.
She continued, "As a matter of fact I've passed gas at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was passing gas because it doesn't smell and it's silent."
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week, the lady goes back. She says, "Doctor, I don't know what you gave me, but now when I pass gas, it's still silent, but it smells terrible."
The doctor replied, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, we'll start to work on your hearing......
There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington, DC this year. The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Washington, DC this Christmas season.
This decision is not based on religious reasons - they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol. There was no problem, however, in finding enough asses to fill the stable.
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A woman had bags under her eyes and wanted to get them removed. She went to a plastic surgeon and asks the doctor, "I can't get rid of these bags, can you help me?"
The doctor told he is willing to try a new experimental technique on her. He will put a crank in the back of her head and when she sees bags under her eyes, she is to use the crank and the bags will go away.
She gets the crank put in her head and leaves.
It works for a while until one day, she can't get rid of the bags under her eyes. She cranks and cranks as hard as she can, but they just wont go away. So she goes to the doctor.
She says to the doctor, "This was working for a while, but I can't seem to get rid of these bags under my eyes." The doctor replies, "Those aren't bags....those are your boobs." The woman replied, "I guess that explains the goatee.
This morning, from somewhere in Pakistan, the Taliban Minister of Migration warned the United States and Canada that if military action is taken against Syria, Taliban authorities will cut off America's and Canada's only supply of convenience store managers.
If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Visa and Bell customer service representatives. It's getting ugly.....
That's it for today, my little munchkins. Remember, the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Discretion is advised. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !
Surprisingly, CNN was not its usual, snarky left self. For the most part, the candidates made their respective cases, with the exception of John Kasich, whose only topic seems to be what he did as governor of Ohio (ala Giuliani of New York).
I was pleased to see the group unify in their remarks about the "chosen one", who is doing his best to run America into the ground, while doing nothing about radical Islamic terrorism. Hillary Clinton's name only came up a few times but the candidates know that, with her plethora of lies over the years, she'll be easy pickings.
There were a few feisty barbs between Jeb Bush and Trump, as well as, Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz, all of which were fairly good exchanges.
I expect to see many of the candidates drop out by the South Carolina vote, namely Chris Christie, Carly Fiorina, Rand Paul, Lindsay Graham, Mike Huckabee and John Kasich. Those candidates that choose to remain in the race after that time probably still have contribution funds remaining in their accounts.
Christian Mingle: Find God's match for you. Because the Lord works in mysterious ways and I'm positive that setting up a website for his people to hook up is a top priority.
The News As I See It: Kim Kardashian and Kanye West say they will have no more children. When asked why, they said, "All the really stupid names are taken."
The international climate talks in Paris wrapped up this weekend with 195 countries reaching a landmark agreement to cut greenhouse gas emissions. Then they all drove to the airport in 195 cars.
Hillary Clinton has been responding to Donald Trump's comments about banning Muslims with a message of love, and said she wants to "weed out hate" and "plant love and kindness" instead. Then Bill went in for a kiss and Hillary was like, "Not now. Later. I'm talking to the people."
This Date In History: 1653; Oliver Cromwell became lord protector of England, Scotland, and Ireland.
1773;
The Boston Tea Party took place.
1916;
Grigori Rasputin assassinated by a group of noble Russian conspirators.
1920;
One of the deadliest earthquakes in history hit the Gansu province in China. The 8.6 quake killed 200,000 people.
1944;
The Battle of the Bulge during World War II began in Belgium.
1990;
Jean-Bertrand Aristide was elected president of Haiti in the country's first democratic elections.
2000;
Colin Powell was selected to become the first African-American secretary of state.
Picture Of The Day: The candidates.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I've removed swimming with dolphins from my bucket list, mainly because I don't swim well and drowning with dolphins doesn't have quite the same appeal.
2) If a tree falls in the woods, it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose. 3) My grandma keeps talking about her monthly government checks, prescription drugs and how much she loves Miami. I think she's a rapper. 4) Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support. 5) A cute bank teller told me she wanted to make love to me in the vault. She's kinky, but at least she's into safe sex.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 16th: You may hear a voice in your ear saying that you are here for a purpose. Don't pay any attention to the voice, they meant to say porpoise. That is, unless you're from Miami, in which case, take heed.
Birthdays: Ludwig van Beethoven, German Composer 1770, Jane Austen, novelist 1775, George Santayana, philosopher and poet 1863, Zoltán Kodály, composer 1882, Noel Coward, playwright, composer 1899, Margaret Mead, anthropologist 1901, Arthur C. Clarke, science fiction writer 1917, Philip K. Dick, writer 1928, Benjamin Bratt, actor 1963.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two older women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done, when in walked a young chick with a low-cut blouse that revealed a beautiful rose tattooed on one boob.
One woman leaned over to the other and said, "Poor thing. She doesn't know it, but in 50 years she'll have a long-stemmed rose in a hanging basket."
Two salesmen were writing up their orders when the conversation came around to last night's big date. Charlie asks, "So, how did it go, Harry?"
Harry said, "The moment we got back to her place the phone started ringing. There must have been fifteen calls from guys wanting to ask her out. It never stopped, and we never got started."
Charlie tried to comfort him. "It could have been worse, Harry. After all, an attractive young woman's allowed to have her number in the phone book, now isn't she?"
Harry said, "Yeah, but not in the Yellow Pages."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under a huge buck.
One of the other hunters asked, "Where's Harry?" The man said, "He fell over a log a couple miles up the trail and broke his ankle."
The other hunter said, "You left him lying there alone and carried the deer back?" The hunter answered, "It was a tough decision, but I figured no one was going to steal Harry."
A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I went to the doctor today and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old."
The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your big fat ass?" She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."
That's it for today, my little candy canes. Remember, dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots and lisp. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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More on Friday.
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I got a weekend pass from the home, Friday, so I headed over to AREA 51 at Sabores Restaurant to see my friends Luly and Paul. It was my kind of night in that there were plenty of seats and our group was able to sit comfortably.
Luly brought home made brownies and I brought some Ghirardelli chocolates for the ladies, so along with the goodies and drinks, we were well stocked for the night. The usual neanderthals that are always there stayed in their cages for the most part and everyone had fun.
Fridays always means Karaoke and there are some really good singers in the crowd. Luly and the girls sang a few songs and did a really nice job. I went up a little later in the evening and immediately had a request, but I sang anyway.
The fun thing about our gang is that after a few drinks, everyone starts taking pictures. Moreover, the girls always check to see if they like how the picture came out. If they are not happy with it, we take another until each one is happy. We're talking four girls here, so there were a lot of "do overs".
My friend Paul and I really don't care a lot about the "final" pictures as our particular opinions are usually overlooked and almost always overruled.
The News As I See It: Hillary Clinton told People Magazine that her granddaughter called her "grandma" for the first time on the same night as the first Democratic debate. Then Hillary gazed into her granddaughter's eyes and said, "This is my night, not yours. Pick your moments."
Bernie Sanders, in his interview with People Magazine, said that his grandchildren sometimes call him "Grandpa Bern." Which sounds less like a term of endearment and more like a medical condition. "You've got 'Grandpa Burn.' That's why it hurts when you pee.
Some good news for the White House. They just announced that Obamacare added a million new customers in its third open-enrollment season. They say more people are signing up for healthcare due to the looming deadline, low costs and the sales of hoverboards.
In an interview with People magazine, Obama said that his favorite book of the year was a novel called "Fates and Furies", while Hillary Clinton said her favorite book of the year was "Whatever yours was".
This Date In History: 1642;
New Zealand was discovered by Dutch navigator Abel Tasman.
1918;
President Wilson arrived in France, becoming the first U.S. president to visit Europe while in office.
1978;
The U.S. Mint began stamping the Susan B. Anthony dollar, the first U.S. coin honoring a woman.
1981;
The Polish government imposed martial law in an attempt to crush the Solidarity movement.
1989;
South African President F. W. de Klerk met with Nelson Mandela for the first time.
1996;
Kofi Annan of Ghana chosen to become UN secretary-general.
2000;
George W. Bush accepted presidency 36 days after election; Al Gore, Jr., conceded.
2003;
American forces captured Saddam Hussein who was hiding in a hole near his hometown of Tikrit.
Picture Of The Day: I brought Ghirardelli chocolates for the ladies.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My cat Samantha was dreaming last night. Based on the noises and twitches coming from her, I think she was fighting off a Korean Chef.
2) How can I be sure I've succeeded if I can't remember what I was trying to do? 3) A liter of Johnnie Walker Black scotch......when you absolutely, positively need to wake up underneath your neighbor's swing-set. 4) Don't cry because it's over, smile because for a few miles, they actually believed you were the real bus driver. 5) I saw a large bear eating a big lunch from the dumpster at Taco Bell. Then he ran off into the woods, ostensibly to prove a point.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 14th: You may become trapped in a cave with a panther and a sound system playing Michael Bolton's greatest hits this week. You can avoid the panther's attack by simply singing along with Michael Bolton but there's no cure from the lingering effects of Bolton's music.
Birthdays: Heinrich Heine, poet 1797, Werner von Siemens, electrical engineer and inventor 1816, Mary Todd Lincoln, wife of President Abraham Lincoln 1818, Emily Carr, painter 1871, Archie Moore, prizefighter 1913, Ross Macdonald, novelist 1915, Dick Van Dyke, actor 1925, Ted Nugent, rock musician 1948, Steve Buscemi, actor 1957, Jamie Foxx, comedian 1967, Amy Lee, singer 1981.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him and he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces a ll over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
The trooper says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
The priest replies, "Just water, officer." The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.
The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle, it makes your nose look too short." Love, Grandma.
That's it for today, my little sleigh belles. Remember, kinky is when you bring a feather to use while having sex. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
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More on Wednesday.
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Liberals and many conservatives have decried Donald Trump's remarks about Muslims, while conveniently omitting or unaware that similar steps were taken by democratic presidents Franklin D. Roosevelt and Jimmy Carter
Roosevelt established Japanese Internment camps after the Pearl Harbor attack and democratic President Jimmy Carter cancelled Iranian visas during the Iran hostage crisis. Other similar situations have occurred in America's history.
A former Guantanamo detainee has appeared in the latest video released this week by Al Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula (AQAP).
Among the senior Al Qaeda leaders featured in the video is Ibrahim al-Qosi, who was transferred to his native Sudan in July 2012 after being held for 10 years at the U.S. base in Cuba.
According to the Foundation For Defense of Democracies' Long War Journal blog, al-Qosi joined AQAP last year and has since become one of its leaders.
The News As I See It: Donald Trump skipped an RNC event in New York City today called the Presidential Trust Dinner, even though his campaign said he would go. Chris Christie said, "Does that mean there's an extra plate at the dinner?"
Jeb Bush has fallen to just 3 percent in a new poll, and his numbers continue to drop. Jeb says this isn't the time to panic because the time to panic was like, five months ago.
Hillary Clinton is the presumptive Democratic nominee but these days she's harder to find than her emails.
This Date In History: 1816;
Indiana became the 19th state.
1844;
Nitrous oxide was used for the first time in dentistry.
1936;
King Edward VIII abdicated the throne of Britain for the woman he loved, Mrs. Wallis Simpson.
1941;
Germany and Italy declared war on the United States.
1946;
The United Nations International Children's Emergency Fund (UNICEF) was established.
1994;
Russian troops invaded Chechnya in an unsuccessful attempt to restore Moscow's power in the region.
1997;
Housing secretary Henry Cisneros was indicted for conspiracy, obstructing justice, and false statements to the FBI.
Picture Of The Day: He was born here. She came on a marriage visa. Both are now dead. Ostensibly, he will meet up with 72 virgins. Hopefully, she will be required to watch.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) There's nothing more disturbing than the first time you hear someone you know using their "whooo's a good dog" voice.
2) If my computer crashed, I wonder if all the other computers would slow down so they can see what's happening. 3) Never buy the first round because that's when people actually care what they're drinking! 4) I woke up with a girl and I couldn't remember her name, so I took her to Starbucks. They wrote her name on the cup for me. 5) My friend asked his wife if they could get a hot young nanny. Of course. she got mad and said "No!". When he asked her why, she said, "For one thing, we don't have any kids.".....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 11th: Life can be as romantic as you wish to make it. Like the old saying goes, a man with three fish has enough in his heart to help him build a picnic chair. You think I made that up, don't you? I work my fingers to the bone looking for old sayings and reading the stars and this is the thanks I get? That's it! No soup for you!!!!
Birthdays: Sir David Brewster, physicist and natural philosopher 1781, Louis-Hector Berlioz, composer 1803, Robert Koch, bacteriologist 1843, Annie Jump Cannon, astronomer 1863, Fiorello Henry LaGuardia, mayor of New York City 1882, Carlo Ponti, producer 1912, Willie Mae Thornton, blues singer 1926, John F. Kerry, politician 1943.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A business woman, in town for an important meeting, checked into her room at the swank hotel and unpacked her bags. Noticing that her best suit had been badly wrinkled during her flight, she telephoned the desk and asked the hotel's valet service to pick it up for pressing.
Almost immediately after she hung up the phone, a knock sounded at the door, and there stood an elderly Chinaman, waiting. Impressed by the fast service, the career woman exclaimed, "My, you come lickety-split!" The elderly Chinaman replied, "No ma'am, I come to get laundry."
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. The husband explained, "Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship."
He went on to say, "She was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. She communicates well and I act like I'm listening."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An older man went to a job interview. The Human Resources manager asked him, "What is your greatest weakness?" The man replied, "Honesty."
The Human Resources manager said, "I don't think honesty is a weakness." The older man said, "I don't really give a shit what you think."
A woman was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, she received a call from the doctor’s office to tell her that she had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am.
She had only just packed everyone off to work and school and it was already around 8:45 am.
The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so she didn't have any time to spare.
As most women do, she liked to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time she wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.
So, she rushed upstairs, threw off her pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink and gave herself a quick wash in that area to make sure she was at least presentable.
She threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to her appointment. She was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when she was called in.
Knowing the procedure, she hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that she was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.
She was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” She didn’t respond. After the appointment, she heaved a sigh of relief and went home.
The rest of the day was normal....some shopping, cleaning and cooking.
After school, her 6 year old daughter was playing and she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where’s my washcloth?"
Her mother told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink and it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."
Needless to say, she's never going back to that gynecologist again.
That's it for today, my little pickle packers. Remember, you know you're getting older when you think the supermarket is starting to play some great songs. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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** For those of you who are curious as to why today's normal Friday post is being posted today, I have an engagement on Friday which will not allow me normal access to my files.
Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !
