46% of Americans pay no taxes. With "Crooked Hillary" and the drooling, senile old socialist screaming for more taxes on the wealthy, I look forward to when the government institutes a national tax plan where taxes are based on purchases.
If you think you've heard screaming and moaning about more taxes on the wealthy and higher minimum wages, wait until the free riding, Obama phone using, complainers find that everything they purchase will cost them more.
Granted, the misuse of government income by politicians only acerbate the nation's tax problems, but the wealthy currently pay 70% of the nations taxes.
At a certain point in time, businesses paying 90% income tax will move to a more tax friendly location. You see this in states like Michigan and New York state, where the tax rate got so bad, businesses simply moved out. Nowadays, both states have extensive advertising (and tax breaks) to lure new businesses back to their respective states.
But it's too little, too late. Heavy taxes and high crime rates are contributing to the eventual demise of Detroit and other Michigan cities. Chicago's high crime rate and exorbitant taxes are following the same path.
The answer to the tax woes of the nation are complicated, but I can assure you that when the non-taxpaying citizens surpass 50 % of the population, something has to give.....
The News As I See It: Today is Tax Day, that one day out of the year that even Democrats turn into Republicans.
Cicadas are coming back in May. These unusual insects spend almost all of their lives in holes underground and only emerge once every 17 years to mate, just like any couple with a Netflix account.
This Date In History: 1775;
Paul Revere rode from Charlestown to Lexington to warn Massachusetts colonists of the arrival of British troops during the American Revolution.
1906;
The Great San Francisco Earthquake destroyed over 4 sq mi. and killed over 500 people.
1923;
The first game was played in Yankee Stadium (“the House that Ruth built”). Yankees beat the Boston Red Sox 4–1.
1956
Grace Kelly married Prince Rainier of Monaco.
1968;
London Bridge was sold to an American. It was rebuilt in Arizona.
1978;
The U.S. Senate voted to hand over the Panama Canal to Panamanian control on Dec. 31, 1999.
2002;
Afghanistan’s former king, Mohammad Zahir Shah, returned after 29 years in exile.
2012;
American Bandstand and New Year's Rockin' Eve host Dick Clark died of heart failure.
Picture Of The Day: Thought for today.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If you're an atheist vegan, a runner, a Hillary Clinton voter and recently quit smoking, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
2) One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together. 3) If my computer crashed, I wonder if all the other computers would slow down so they can see what's happening.
4) My friend asked his wife if they could get a young nanny. Of course, she got mad and said "No!". When he asked her why, she said, "For one thing, we don't have any kids." 5) It's sad to see how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning seven tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 18th: Temptation is everywhere, especially if you're willing to look for it.
Birthdays: Lucrezia Borgia, noblewoman 1480, Carlos Manuel de Cespedes, revolutionist 1819, Clarence Darrow, American lawyer 1857, Max Weber, painter 1881, Leopold Stokowski, conductor 1882, Conan O'Brien, talk-show host 1963.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Murphy the Irishman walks into a pastry shop. A black guy in front of him was waiting on his order. In a flash, the black guy whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't even notice.
The black guy says to Murphy, "You see how
clever we are? You Paddies can never beat that!"
Murphy says to the black guy, "Watch this, any Paddy is smarter than you and I'll prove it to you."
Paddy says to the baker, "Give a cookie. I'll show ya a magic trick!"
The baker gives him the cookie, which he promptly eats. Then he says to the baker, "Give another cookie for my magic trick."
The baker is getting suspicious, but he gives it to him.
He eats this one too. Then he says again, "Give one more cookie....." The baker is getting angry now, but gives him one anyway. He eats this one, as well.
The baker is really mad now and he yells,
“O.K! where is your famous magic trick?"
Murphy says, "Look in the black guy's pocket!"
A businessman in 1st Class says to a gorgeous air hostess,
"What’s your name?" The hostess replies, "Angela Benz, Sir!" The businessman says, "Lovely name, any relation to Mercedes Benz?" The hostess, "Yes sir, very close." The businessman asks, "How close?" The hostess replies, "Same price!"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A young Arab boy asks his father, "What is this weird hat that we are wearing?" 'The father said, "It's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun!"
The son then asked, "And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing?" The father replied, "It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body!"
The boy continued, "And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet?" The father answered, "These are 'babouches' which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert!"
The boy said to his father, "Tell me, father. Why are we living in New Jersey and still wearing all this shit?"
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers."
He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. The homeowner asks, "What are you going to do?"
The man says, "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner, who asks, "What's the shotgun for?" The man replies, "If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"
That's it for today, my cute little aardvarks. Remember, if really good-looking people are "eye candy", I guess that puts me somewhere around the "eye broccoli" category.
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Today is Tax Day, a day which I have always despised. Since I own my business, I have always owed money at tax time. One particular year in the '80s, my CPA told me I owed $45k. I had a grand total of about $1k in the bank. Houston: We have a problem!
I asked my accountant to look for (or create) other deductions and he got the amount due down to $38,000. Keep in mind that $38k in 1980 is equivalent to about $120k in 2016. I knew this was going to be a problem but fortunately, I knew a lot of people in the right places so I came up with a plan.
I happened to know the owners of a prominent Miami bank and had done some real estate work for them in the past. I called the president of the bank and explained my dilemma. I asked for a $15k personal, non-secured loan. He told me to apply at my branch.
I submitted my application to the VP (who I knew well). She said she didn't believe it would be approved. I asked her to humor me and submit it anyway.
Two days later, the VP called me and said, "Jimmy, your loan has been approved. Come over and I'll have the check ready, By the way, you're the only man I know who can get a personal, unsecured loan at tax time."
Later that day, I deposited the check, filed my taxes along with my check for $15,000....."
The News As I See It: Bernie Sanders joined the Verizon workers picket line in New York. It’s a perfect match, because Bernie always talks like he’s getting bad reception.
Bernie recently received his first senatorial endorsement from Oregon Senator Jeff Merkley or as he’ll be known under President Hillary Clinton, "Ambassador to North Korea Jeff Merkley.
Hillary and Bernie discussed important issues such as national security, the economy and whose supporters are the most annoying on Facebook.
Kourtney Kardashian says that she eats avocado pudding for breakfast. You know the Kardashians are out of touch when they don't even know the word for guacamole.
This Date In History: 1755;
Samuel Johnson published his Dictionary of the English Language.
1817;
Thomas Hopkins Gallaudet opened the first free American school for the deaf in Hartford, Conn.
1861;
In response to the attack on Fort Sumter three days earlier, President Abraham Lincoln declared a state of insurrection and called out Union troops.
1912;
Titanic sank off the coast of Newfoundland on its maiden voyage after it struck an iceberg.
1920;
A paymaster and guard were murdered in Braintree, Massachusetts. Sacco and Vanzetti were accused of the crime.
1945
Nazi concentration camp Bergen-Belsen was liberated by Canadian and British forces.
1947;
Jackie Robinson made his Brooklyn Dodger debut and scored the game-winning run. On April 15, 1997, his number, 42, was retired.
1955;
Ray Kroc acquired McDonald's and opened his first restaurant in Des Plaines, Ill., today the official McDonald’s Corporate Museum.
1996;
The 100th Boston Marathon was won by Moses Tanui of Kenya.
1998;
Cambodian despot Pol Pot, leader of the Khmer Rouge, died.
2013;
Two bombs exploded at the Boston Marathon in Boston, Massachusetts, killing 3 and injuring at least 170 others.
Picture Of The Day: The last day to file your taxes is Monday, April 18th. Remember to bring a barrel or raincoat to wear after you pay them.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) You know you're getting older when you notice the supermarket is starting to play some great songs. 2) The "Law of Probable Dispersal" states that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 3) Maybe the cost of a barrel of oil wouldn’t be so expensive if Donkey Kong didn’t waste thousands of them in the '80s throwing them at Mario. 4) I think that people who say "I'll sleep when I'm dead" may have missed a science class or two. 5) There's nothing more disturbing than the first time you hear someone you know using their "whooo's a good dog" voice.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 15th: Although your faults are easy enough to see, you must really make an effort today to let people truly understand the depth of your problems.
Long walks, cold showers and playing with the puppies could be very helpful. Bear in mind I'm referring to puppies of the four legged variety. We wouldn't want another restraining order, would we?
Birthdays: Leonardo da Vinci, Italian painter, sculptor, architect, musician, engineer and scientist 1452, Henry James, novelist 1843, A. Philip Randolph, labor leader 1889, Bessie Smith, singer 1894, Evelyn Ashford, athlete 1957.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Vern was teeing off from the men's tee.
On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Joy, was teeing up on the
woman's tee directly in front of him.
Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it and hit her directly in the temple,
killing her instantly.
A few days later, Vern got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy. The Coroner asked, "Vern, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the
head.
You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct?"
Vern said, "Yes, sir, that's correct."
The Coroner said, "Well, inexplicably I found a golf ball wedged up her ass."
Vern asked, "Was it a Titleist 3?" The Coroner answered. "Yes, it was."
Vern said, "That was my mulligan."
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. It was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Adelaide, they have weekly husband's marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, '"Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"
The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?" Giuseppe proudly replied, "I gonna go pick her up."
On a bitterly cold winter's day, a North Dakota State Trooper on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside. The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet to protect the face from the cold weather.
The trooper asked, "What's the matter? asked the Trooper. The biker responded tersely, "Carburetor's frozen." The Trooper advised, "Pee on it. That'll thaw it out." The biker replied, "I can't."
The Trooper said, "OK, watch me closely and I'll show you, so the next time you can do it. The Trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburetor as promised.
Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.
A few days later, the local State Troopers office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist. It began:
"On behalf of my daughter, Jill....."
That's it for today, my little puddin' pops. Remember, if you are older than 15 and are madly in love with Justin Bieber, you are one the reasons that dolphins and whales are the most intelligent species. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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Some corporations and "celebrities" have a problem with newly passed North Carolina restroom laws requiring students to use public restrooms based on their biological sex and not "gender neutral". Huh? Do these morons have children or wives?
Everyone should have the choice to be what they want to be, but their rights stop when they encroach upon my rights. While I can see that these people would rightfully be intimidated entering a restroom in which they don't feel comfortable, this problem is not resolved by "group bathrooms".
Be that as it may, this legislation stopped a plethora of future complaints by other "affected parties" demanding rights. I can't wait to see the next complainers added to the growing list. Will the "Goat Humpers of America" demand entry for their loved ones? Where does this crap stop?
The North Carolina legislature passed a sweeping bill overturning gay and transgender protections at the local level and requiring students to use public restrooms that correspond to their sex.
State lawmakers pushed the measure in response to a nondiscrimination ordinance adopted in the city of Charlotte that, among other things, allowed people to use the bathroom that matched with their gender identity.
Legislators said immediate action was necessary to protect children and women from sexual predators who might pose as transgender to gain access to women’s restrooms.
As for corporations and celebrities sticking their noses into what shouldn't concern them, maybe they will understand when, in retribution, the public boycotts corporate products and shuns the celebrities at the box office or music venues.
This "politically correct" societal problem needs to be addressed and dismissed.....
The News As I See It: A car owned by Hillary Clinton is up for sale. Like Hillary, the car has been hit from all sides and lately has been starting to stall.
Bill Clinton was in the Bronx campaigning for Hillary yesterday, and visited the "Hebrew Home for the Aging." Hillary actually went there also but it was to drop off Bernie Sanders.
A new poll has found that Bernie Sanders is the most likable of all the presidential candidates. That's like being the best-dressed person at Wal-Mart.
Researchers are saying that men who marry intelligent women are less likely to develop dementia later in life. After hearing this, Kanye West said, "Where am I?"
Donald Trump is very upset lately about the election, or lack of an election, in Colorado. They don't have a primary or a caucus there because they're too stoned to vote.
This Date In History: 1598;
The Edict of Nantes gave religious tolerance to the Huguenots in France.
1742;
Handel’s Messiah was first publicly performed in Dublin, Ireland.
1964;
Sidney Poitier became the first African American to win the Academy Award for best actor.
1970;
Apollo 13 announced "Houston, we've got a problem," when an oxygen tank burst on the way to the Moon.
1975;
Civil War began in Lebanon when gunmen killed 4 Christian Phalangists who retaliated by killing 27 Palestinians.
1997;
Tiger Woods became the youngest person to win the Masters Tournament and the first of African descent to win a major golf title.
2004;
Barry Bonds hit his 661st homer, passing Willie Mays to take third place on the lifetime list.
Picture Of The Day: Is this the next step? How many businesses can afford separate bathrooms?
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My girlfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on her face! I love Sharpie markers.
2) If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours, followed by a global food shortage. 3) Fish don't seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air, I'd probably eat it. 4) I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china. 5) A man started choking in the line at Wendy's today. Luckily the manager jumped into action and opened another register.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 13th: Changing your lifestyle and underwear is always a good start. If things start looking down, sit yourself down on the nearest swivelling chair and spin. If that doesn't raise a smile, then I'm all out of ideas. Hey, for what you pay me, that's pretty good advice.
Birthdays: Joseph Priestley, English theologian and scientist 1733, Percival Lowell, astronomer 1855, William Casey, public official 1913, William H. Macy, actor 1950.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. The husband explained, "Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship."
He went on to say, "She was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. She communicates well and I act like I'm listening."
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her U.S. government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question, then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my friend Mike for his contribution to today's stories.
A father told his three sons when he sent them to the university, "I feel it is my duty to provide you with the best education possible and you do not owe me anything for providing that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, I want each of you to put $1,000 into my coffin when I die." And so it happened.
His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father’s time had come and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.
First, it was the doctor who put 10 $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased. Then, came the financial planner, who also put $1,000 there. Finally, it was the lawyer's turn.
He reached into his jacket pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.
He later went on to become a member of Congress.....
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" The husband replied, "Yep, In-laws."
That's it for today, my little conch fritters. Remember, no matter how hard you try, you'll never run out of bad ideas. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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Back in the day, not many people had pools. That never stopped us. We had "The Trestle" on the Miami River. It was very high and many '50s Hialeah or Miami Springs kids either swam there or heard the stories. Some claim they jumped from the top, but I never saw anyone jump.
We did climb to the top though. I remember it being very scary. Most of us jumped from the wooden posts that guarded the middle and a few of us jumped from the railing (about 10 feet higher).
The river was cleaner back then. You could catch fish relatively easy and there was a lot of wildlife along the river, including manatees, otters, bird, ducks and other critters. Oh yeah, and there was the occasional alligator.
Farther northeast along the river, there was a great swing tied to a large Australian pine tree. It was a hang out place and the source of many good times.
You see, in those days, that was all we needed to have a good time. It was even better if you had a bike and didn't have to walk there. No one had bathing suits. We swam in our jeans and made sure they were well dried out before we went home, because no one was allowed to swim in the canals and rivers.
Okeechobee Road (Hwy 27) was a two lane road back then and the Palmetto Expressway was in the planning stages. The only movie theaters close enough to bike to was The Essex in Hialeah and The Circle in Miami Springs.
The kids that did have pools were popular, but it was more fun to get a group together and go "exploring". This usually meant that somewhere along the way there would be a canal. Of course, in the hot South Florida summers, that meant a swim.
Today, there are miles and miles of roads and expressways. Most of the rivers and canals are dirty and/or polluted. Nonetheless, life goes on but memories of going swimming at The Trestle are still fond memories.....
 |
| Brother Kirt And I |
The News As I See It: Bernie Sanders said that he went to Boy Scout camp in New York. You can tell it was a while ago because Bernie Sanders didn't learn how to make a fire there.....he discovered it.
A man at Wal-Mart in Missouri has been fired for hugging people to thank them for their business. After being told he was getting fired, the man said, "Oh, I don't work here."
This Date In History: 1814;
Napoleon was exiled to the island of Elba.
1899;
The treaty ending the Spanish-American War took effect.
1921;
Iowa imposed the first state cigarette tax.
1945;
Allies liberated Buchenwald concentration camp.
1951;
President Harry Truman fired General Douglas McArthur.
1968;
President Lyndon B. Johnson signed the 1968 Civil Rights Act.
1979;
Ugandan dictator Idi Amin was overthrown.
1981;
President Ronald Reagan returned to the White House after he was shot in an assassination attempt.
2007;
Science-fiction writer Kurt Vonnegut died in New York City at age 84.
Picture Of The Day: This is an aerial view of where The Trestle used to be before the top part was removed. We also swam in the Miami Springs canal (seen lower). The trestle still serves as a train rail bridge going into the town of Medley (click on image to see larger).
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) You know you drank too much last night when you have to use your cellphone GPS to locate yourself the next morning. 2) I don't like to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance. 3) In 1872, Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine. In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
4) I enjoy making my grocery shopping list. I also like to leave it laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what's on the list while at the store. It's a fun game. 5) A guy stole my bike so I got in a cab and said, "Follow that guy!" He said, "Sure, whats his Twitter name?" We laughed and hi-fived and I need a new bike.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 11th: You may become trapped in a cave with a panther and a sound system playing Michael Bolton's greatest hits this week. You can avoid the panther's attack by simply singing along with Michael Bolton but there's no cure from the lingering effects of Bolton's music.
Birthdays: Charles Evans Hughes, American statesman and jurist 1862, Dean Acheson, statesman 1893, Percy Lavon Julian, chemist 1899, Oleg Cassini, fashion designer 1913.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two old women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" Mabel pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Now I know where to find my hearing aid."
Barack Obama walked into a New York bar with a frog on his shoulder. The bartender says, "Hey, that's cool ! Where did you get it?"
The frog replies, "In Chicago, there's thousands of them up there."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A phenomena known as "women's intuition" a sixth sense if you will, is no myth. Women seem to know what's going on in their man's lives almost better than they do. Why is this?
In the early 80's, researchers discovered that women have more connections between the brain's two hemispheres than men do. It's these connections that allow them to put together a puzzle from seemingly un-connectable pieces. That, and they go through all your stuff while you're in the shower.
One morning a man comes into the church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches.
An altar boy witnessed the scene and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
Without batting an eye, the priest says, "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me where is this man?" The altar boy relied, "Flat on his ass, Father, over there by the holy water."
That's it for today, my little puppies. Remember, adulthood is like the vet and we're like the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we're going.
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More on Wednesday.
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Millionaires are fleeing Chicago due to concerns over racial tensions and rising crime rates, according to research firm New World Wealth. The Chicago Tribune reports that about 3,000 individuals with net assets of $1 million or more moved from the city last year.
Many of the individuals cited rising racial tensions and worries about crime as factors in the decision. Chicago is third on the list of cities experiencing an exodus of millionaires, behind Paris and Rome.
Findings of the New World Wealth report are consistent with a Nielsen study released late last year that showed Chicago is losing large numbers of affluent blacks.
The Nielsen report found that the Chicago area has fallen out of the top echelon of U.S. cities when it comes to the percentage of black households earning more than $100,000.
In 2000, Chicago ranked seventh among the cities with the largest percentage of black households with income at that level or higher, but in 2015, Chicago had dropped out of the top 10.
Beside the high crime rate, the sales tax is 10.25%, hurting not only the wealthy, but the middle class and poor, as well. If this this trend continues, Chicago will just be another Detroit. Who didn't see this coming?
On A Sad Note: Country and western singer Merle Haggard passed away Wednesday, his birthday, of complications from pneumonia at his home in Northern California. He was 79 years old. Rest in peace Merle.
The News As I See It: While campaigning in New York today, Hillary Clinton rode the subway and had to swipe her metro card five times before getting through a turnstile. Though if you know Hillary Clinton, you know she'll keep trying until she gets in or some unknown Chicago second stringer starts singing some "Change" chant.
Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders have scheduled a debate for next Thursday in Brooklyn. It's close enough to Wall Street that Hillary can stop by for more campaign money, yet far enough away to keep Bernie Sanders from spontaneously combusting.
Spike Lee said that Bernie Sanders' campaign song should be "Brooklyn’s in the House." Today, Bernie Sanders said, "I don’t know who this 'Spike Lee' is, but I hope he can deliver the Asian vote."
A new study claims 1 in 50 men is unwittingly raising someone else’s child. I was shocked and so was my son, "Rodrigo Garcia."
Ted Cruz, while campaigning in Wisconsin, refused to wear the traditional Wisconsin "Cheesehead." Ted Cruz said the Cheesehead would compromise the dignity that he one day hopes to have.
This Date In History: 1513;
Ponce de León claimed Florida for Spain.
1913;
The 17th Amendment was ratified, requiring the direct election of U.S. senators by popular vote rather than by the state legislators.
1935;
The Works Progress Administration (WPA) was approved by Congress to help alleviate joblessness during the Great Depression.
1946;
The League of Nations assembled for the last time.
1973;
Artist Pablo Picasso died.
1974;
Henry "Hank" Aaron hit the 715th home run of his career, breaking Babe Ruth's record.
1986;
Actor Clint Eastwood was elected mayor of Carmel, California.
1992;
Tennis ace Arthur Ashe announced that he had AIDS.
Picture Of The Day: Profound adage for today.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I want to try "Chocolate Yoga." That's where you transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg without falling over. It's the next big thing.
2) I called the bank today for my account info and a voice whispered, "If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days." 3) I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things. 4) Winning an argument with your girlfriend is like winning a vacation to Detroit. Don't get too excited. 5) Stop editing your pics. What if you go missing? How can I find you if you look like Kaley Cuoco on Facebook but Yoda in real life?.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 8th: Today the world will become your oyster, flowers will bloom in your presence, children will miraculously stop crying in your arms and dogs will quite their yappin' after midnight. Do me a favor and stop that yappin' dog first. He's driving me nuts!
Birthdays: Harvey Williams Cushing, neurosurgeon 1869, Mary Pickford, actress 1893, Sonja Henie, skater 1912, Betty Ford, former First Lady 1918, John Havlicek, basketball 1940, Michael Bennett, choreographer 1943, Barbara Kingsolver, writer 1955, Patricia Arquette, actress 1968.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for awhile when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is it called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony just said, "Oh, Ok" and went back outside to the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds! And Jerry's Mom wants to talk to you."
"Hand me the phillips screwdriver, Babe. No, the phillips. No.... Ok look, hand me the thing you stabbed me with on New Year's Eve. Thanks, Pumpkin."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two Louisiana boys were given a special SAT test to meet their admission requirements to the Military Academy.
Soon after the test began the first guy turns to the second guy and asks, "Old MacDonald had a what?"
The other replies, "He had a farm."
The first guy asks, "How do you spell it?" To which the second guy replied, "E-I-E-I-O."
Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says, "I don’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don’t get it"
The big alligator says, "What have you been eating?" The little gator says, "Lawyers, same as you." The big alligator asks, "Well, where do you catch them?" The little gator answers, "Down by that law firm on the edge of the swamp."
The big alligator responds, "Hmmm...Same here. How do you catch them?"
The little gator says, "Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite them, shake the shit out of them and eat them!"
The big alligator says, "Ah, I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shaking the shit out of a lawyer, there’s nothing left but lips and a briefcase."
That's it for today, my little mushrooms. Remember, an apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it far enough. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !
