The Day After.....

The popular myth that eating turkey makes you sleepy is untrue. Turkey isn't any more sleep-inducing than other foods. In fact, consuming large amounts of carbohydrates and alcohol may be the real cause of a post-Thanksgiving-meal snooze.

Turkey does contain the amino acid tryptophan, which forms the basis of brain chemicals that make people tired. But, the fact is that turkey contains less trytophan than most poultry. 

Black Friday was been a piece of cake today. After checking my finances, I immediately set out this morning and found no lines at the gas station, 7-11 or Publix. I was so emboldened by the lack of crowds and lines, I almost headed over to the dollar store, but I quickly came to my senses and decided to call it a day.

The Center for Disease Control has warned that although the Swine Flu is prevalent, the Bird Flu is rampant as well. Symptoms of Bird Flu are: 1) High fever 2) Congestion 3) Nausea 4) Fatigue 5) Aching in the joints 6) An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield.

The News As I See It: In a recent interview, Ben Carson said that Thomas Jefferson wrote the U.S. Constitution, when he actually wrote the Declaration of Independence. Or as Carson's campaign staff put it, "Close enough!"

This Date In History: 1852; Lord Byron's daughter Ada died. She had assisted Charles Babbage with his "analytical engine" and is credited with inventing computer language. 1895; Alfred Nobel signed his last will, which established the Nobel Prize.

1910; New York's Pennsylvania Station opened. 1953; Playwright Eugene O'Neill died in Boston at age 65. 1970; Pope Paul VI was attacked at the Manila airport by a Bolivian painter disguised as a priest.

1973; Gerald R. Ford was confirmed by the Senate to become vice president, succeeding Spiro T. Agnew. 2003; President Bush secretly flew to Iraq to spend Thanksgiving with the troops.

Picture Of The Day: There's no way I would put up with that without an AK-47.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My friends named their dog Carpenter, because he did little odd jobs around the house. 2) There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves. 3) Remember to refrain from talking to characters on the movie screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. 4) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. I don't remember who wrote that. 5) Whenever I start to disrobe in front of a lady, I always hand her a card that states: "A mild sense of nausea is perfectly normal.".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - November 27th: Deja vu is not a Thai dish that you had two weeks ago. Changing your love life can be done with pies, tarts and unleavened bread. However, I find that it's easier to forget eating that crap and go out and find love in the bars that you usually frequent.

Birthdays: Anders Celsius astronomer 1701, Charles A. Beard historian 1874, Chaim Weizmann scientist and Zionist leader 1874, James Agee writer 1909, Alexander Dubček statesman 1921, Alexander Haig, American General, Secretary of State 1924, Bruce Lee martial-arts actor 1940, Jimi Hendrix rock musician, guitarist 1942, Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg writer 1957.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A lady was picking up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on lane 12! Tampax supersize!"

Somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for "thumbtacks." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom asking, "Do you want the kind that you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"

A drunk is sitting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful woman sits down next to him. The drunk, seeing opportunity buys the women a beer and proceeds to hit on her.

Then, he asks her, "Would you sleep with me for a million dollars?" The woman looks at him and says, "For a million dollars, sure!"

The drunk then asks, "Would you sleep with me for 20 dollars?" The woman is instantly upset and yells, "Twenty dollars, what do you think I am some kind of whore?!"

The drunk then looks at her and says, "We have already established that fact, madam. Now we're just haggling over the price."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An old man was eating in a truck stop when three bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.

The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?" The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. Mutual orgasm here and mutual orgasm there. That's all they talk about."

Ethel continued, "Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?" Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."

That's it for today, my little guppies. Remember, a study found that women have better memories than men. Also, a study found that women have better memories than men. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Cyber Mundane

Today is the big Cyber Monday sale across America, so I camped out in front of my computer for one of those hot deals. Of course, I forgot that today is also Cyber Sex Monday, so it got a bit awkward.

It was even worse for Uncle Larry who was trying to juggle Cyber Monday, Cyber Sex Monday and Fiber Monday. Ol' Larry needs to buy a new computer monitor and glasses because of his activities on Cyber Sex Mondays. Larry was almost finished purchasing his glasses when the Fiber kicked in. Uncle Larry didn't know whether to shit or go blind.

The good thing about Cyber Monday is that nobody has ever been robbed, trampled or tasered while shopping online. You car uses hardly any gas and a fine lunch is served promptly without any chance of food poisoning.....

The News As I See It: According to insiders, the White House hired a consulting firm that told them the Obamacare website wasn't ready. But the White House went ahead. The White House made this mistake because they don't know how to open their email.

Obama's wrestling with the healthcare rollout debacle. He urged Americans not to be put off by the Obamacare website and offered alternative ways to enroll, such as using the mail. Then the president got on his horse and rode off to spread the news to the next town.

They really bungled the Obamacare rollout. It just wasn't ready. The only good news out of Obamacare is that it's nice to know somebody knows less about computers than I do.

A growing number of women are joining the CIA. The CIA is now 46 percent women. Which explains that new method of torture: the silent treatment.

In New York City, they have a new mayor, Bill de Blasio. He's 6 feet, 7 inches tall and his wife is a former lesbian. She's a former lesbian although she can be called back to active duty on a moment's notice. The new mayor is not to be confused with current Mayor Bloomberg, the outgoing mayor. He's a former leprechaun.

This Date In History: 1804; Napoleon Bonaparte was crowned emperor of France in Paris by Pope Pius VII. 1823; President James Monroe outlined his famous doctrine opposing European expansion in the Western Hemisphere. 1859; Abolitionist John Brown was hanged for his raid on Harper's Ferry.

1942; The first controlled nuclear chain reaction was demonstrated at the University of Chicago. 1954; The Senate voted to condemn Republican senator Joseph R. McCarthy of Wisconsin for "conduct that tends to bring the Senate into dishonor and disrepute."

1970; The Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) was established. 1982; Barney B. Clark became the first person to receive an artificial heart in a transplant operation. 1988; Benazir Bhutto was sworn in as the Prime Minister of Pakistan, becoming the first woman to head an Muslim nation.

1990; Composer Aaron Copland died at age 90. 1999; A Protestant and Catholic cabinet convened for the first time in Northern Ireland. 2001; Enron Corp., under CEO Kenneth Lay, filed for bankruptcy.

Picture Of The Day: Like an old pick-up line or refried beans, the phrase just keeps coming up.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) There's an awesome new machine at the gym. Its got Snickers, Skittles…everything! 2) Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10th, you should be sent to a concentration camp. 3) My girlfriend asked if I was going to take out the trash. I told her I didn't know her mother needed a ride home. Most of the bleeding has stopped now. 4) I don't know the full history of the US and Canada but somehow we ended up with joint custody of the geese. 5) I don't normally go to the bathroom with the door open, but I didn't want to miss the in flight movie.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 2nd: This week may cause some problems for you as some of your secrets are shared across the Internet. Don't be overly concerned though as most of the pictures didn't upload correctly and are now posted on an obscure site called Larry's Leftovers.

Birthdays: Peter Carl Goldmark, inventor and engineer 1906, Maria Callas, soprano 1923, Alexander Haig, attorney general 1924, Julie Harris, actress 1925, Gianni Versace, fashion designer 1946, Lucy Liu, actress, model 1968, Monica Seles, tennis player 1973, Nelly Furtado, singer 1978, Britney Spears, pop singer 1981.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. She says, "You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in."

Granny continued, "Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"

The grandson responded, "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? His grandmother replied, "What? You're coming empty handed?"

This morning, from somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohamed Omar, warned the United States and Canada that if military action is taken against Syria, Taliban authorities will cut off America's and Canada's only supply of convenience store managers.

If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Visa and Bell customer service representatives. It's getting ugly.....
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: It's OK to make jokes about Catholics, the Pope, Jews, Christians, the Irish, the Italians, Blacks, the Polish, the Chinese the French, but its insensitive to make jokes about Muslims. The sooner we are all on the same level playing field, the better.

Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims:

1. If you refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor, You may be a Muslim.
2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes, You may be a Muslim.
3. If you have more wives than teeth, You may be a Muslim.
4. If you wipe your ass with your bare hand but consider bacon to be unclean, You may be a Muslim.
5. If you think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide, You may be a Muslim.
6. If you can't think of anyone you haven't declared jihad against, You may be a Muslim.
7. If you consider television dangerous but routinely carry explosives in your clothing, You may be a Muslim.
8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs, You may be a Muslim.

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand.

But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, opportunities for advancement will pass right by you.

That's it for today, my little cyber shoppers. A suggestion for Milk of Magnesia manufacturers  Please add: '"Don't trust a fart" to your side effects label.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Looking Forward To Recovery Weekend

I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house and we had an enormous feast. Then I took their land and put them on a reservation.

I have used history and its' acceptance to my benefit many times. I find it works very well and to my benefit. In fact that's how I got my house. I was driving down the street and discovered an empty house. So I planted my flag and claimed it.

The residents were quite taken aback when I proclaimed myself governor, but their children joined my alliance when I freed them from their parent's slavery. That worked well until the children moved to Detroit and Chicago.

The kids in Detroit did nothing but depend on other parents for their food, shelter and clothing, so all the parents moved to the suburbs and left no forwarding address.

The Chicago story is even worse. Some Yoyo backed into the Senate election and went on to rule the country because all the kids came down with "American Idol" syndrome and based their votes on popularity instead of ability. Now the whole country is in a big mess.

Next year, I'm going to Canada for Thanksgiving and incorporate  their theory. Thanksgiving Day in Canada has been a holiday on the second Monday of October since 1957. It is a chance for people to give thanks for a good harvest and other fortunes in the past year. This year they gave thanks that Obama was the president of the United States and not Canada.....

The News As I See It: Thanksgiving was the best this year. Things were going great, having a lot of fun, the house was full of people, everybody getting along and then I realized that I had picked up the wrong family at the airport.

I love Thanksgiving. It's that's special time of year when your whole family gathers together in one place to take one last look at their old cellphones before they buy the new ones on Black Friday.

Researchers in Canada say they have discovered the part of the brain that is used to make decisions. If you're married, it's located in your wife's brain.

Advertising For A New Gym: Butt weight. There's more!

This Date In History: 1520; Portuguese explorer Ferdinand Magellan passed through the strait which bears his name to the Pacific ocean. 1919; American-born Lady Astor became the first woman to take a seat on the British Parliament.

1942; Almost 500 people died in the Coconut Grove nightclub fire in Boston. 1943; Churchill, Roosevelt, and Stalin met in Tehran for their first meeting during World War II.

1964; The U.S. spacecraft Mariner 4 launched—on its way to the first successful mission to Mars. 1990; Margaret Thatcher resigned as prime minister of Great Britain; John Major took over.

Picture Of The Day: Thanksgiving 2013 is now a memory. Here's hoping that next year, the nation will have more to give thanks for.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) (Big Toe): "Hey, he just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?" (Brain): "Wait 2 seconds....." 2) Vegans with children named "Hunter" are why I lie awake at night. 3) A portmanteau is when you combine 2 words to make 1 word. A great example of this is Groupon, a mixture of grey and poupon. 4) (Clerk): "May I take your order?" ( Me): "Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke." (Clerk:) "Sir, This is Wallgreens" (Me): "OK, make it a bottle of Xanax and some Pringles...." 5) My uncle is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don’t mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters......and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - November 28th: Fun times lie ahead but be wary of those who offer you exceptionally romantic fun via emails. You may find that some messages you see today will be misleading and potentially cost you a lot of money. Pressure will exert itself this week and cause problems with your love life especially if you reply to those 1-900 numbers. 

Birthdays: Eliza Lucas Pinckney, horticulturist 1722, Woodrow Wilson, 28th President of the United States 1856, Earl "Fatha" Hines, jazz pianist 1903, Stan Lee, writer, editor 1922, Simon Raven ,writer 1927, Manuel Puig, novelist 1932, Maggie Smith, actress 1934, Denzel Washington. actor 1954, Ray Bourque, hockey player 1960, Linus Torvalds, computer scientist 1969, John Legend, singer, songwriter, pianist 1978.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

A Jewish guy goes into a confession box and says to the priest. "Father O’Malley, my name is Emil Cohen. I’m seventy eight years old. I’m currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I’ve never felt better."

The priest says,"My good man, I think you’ve come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?" Mr. Cohen says, "Are you kidding me? At my age, I’m telling everybody!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A couple was shopping at the mall on Black Friday and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him were he was.

In a calm voice, her husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store. He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading.

A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest replied, "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man. The drunk muttered. "Well, I'll be dammed" and returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he said, turned to the man and apologized. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" The drunk answered, "I don't have arthritis, Father, but I just read in the paper that the Pope has it."

That's it for today, my little mall rats. Remember ladies, the next time you're at Happy Hour and some dumb ass asks, "Haven't I seen you somewhere before?", simply reply, "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD clinic." I'll be in AREA 51 tonight for happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

A Fine Thanksgiving Day Dinner

I have a great appreciation for the people who take the time and effort to cook on Thanksgiving and yesterday was no exception as my pal Emilio did a great job in preparing a great Thanksgiving dinner. It really is a lot of hard work and and at the end of the day, most of these household chefs are ready for a well deserved night of rest.

I find that holiday dinners are the only time of the year where the elusive turkey baster and its partner in crime, the cooking brush, move from the back of the kitchen catch-all drawer to a position of prominence in the cooking arena.

It is also the time of year when one realizes that one can't find said turkey baster and brush and has to run out and make a quick purchase. I'd be willing to wager that Thanksgiving and Christmas are the big sales days for that duo.

Nevertheless, next year I'm celebrating Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I'm inviting everyone in my neighborhood to my house, have an enormous feast, then send them to a reservation and take their land. Either that or its Kentucky Fried Chicken for everybody.

The News As I See It: Today is Black Friday, an American tradition where people trample others for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have.

Drew Barrymore reportedly started smoking when she was 5 years old. In the original script for "E.T." she lured E.T. into her home with a pack of Newport menthols.

Some people say the link between smoking and poor health has been exaggerated. These people are called "tobacco executives."

This Date In History: 1889; The first jukebox was installed at the Palais Royal Saloon in San Francisco. 1936; First issue of Life magazine hit the newsstands. The cover photograph, by Margaret Bourke-White, featured the Fort Peck Dam.

1945; United States wartime food rationing, of meat, butter, and other foods, ended. 1971; People's Republic of China was seated at the UN Security Council. 2003; Eduard Shevardnadze resigned as president of Georgia.

Picture Of The Day: This one is just for the colors.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-time takes twelve minutes. This is not a coincidence. 2) I read a very interesting story in the newspaper today. For the younger readers, a newspaper is like the Internet but made of paper. 3) April showers bring May flowers and Mayflowers bring Pilgrims ( I apologize for that one). 4) How do "Keep Off The Grass" signs get there? 5) Cellpilepsy is defined as the brief seizure people sometimes have when their cell phone goes off (especially in vibrator mode). It is characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions and interruption of speech in mid-sentence.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - November 23rd: There's no reason not to believe that tonight will be any different than any other Friday night. Then again, there was no reason to believe the Titanic would sink either. If it were me, I'd go out and have a great evening. Just take a life jacket just in case.....

Birthdays: John Wallis, mathematician 1616, Franklin Pierce, 14th President of the United States 1804, William H. Bonney, outlaw, also known as "Billie The Kid" 1859, Manuel de Falla, composer 1876, Boris Karloff, actor 1887, Miley Cyrus, actress 1992.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An airline pilot hammered his plane into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile and give them a "Thanks for flying Acme Airlines."

In light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane.

She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" The pilot said, "Why no Ma'am, what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

A small boy got lost at the shopping mall. He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!" The guard asked, "What's his name?" The little boy said, "Grandpa."

The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?" The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Jack Daniels whiskey and women with big tits."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An attractive older woman is shopping in a supermarket when she notices this handsome muscular boy doing the bagging at one of the checkouts. Making sure she goes through his line, she leans over and asks if he'll carry her groceries out to which he responds, "Sure lady."

No sooner than they get out of the store, she leans over and says to the boy, "You know I've got an itchy pussy." The boy responds, "You'll have to point it out, lady, all those Japanese cars look alike to me."

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?" The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

That's it for today, my little turkey gobblers. Remember, dogs can be a man's best friend or a woman's best friend. They could also be a child's best friend or a cat's best friend. Dogs are totally flexible.

I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. That's it for now. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Black Friday And The Season Begins

Black Friday, a day where normal people lose what little sanity they have and every thief, pickpocket and looney join the fray. I wouldn't shop on this day if they gave me $200. Truth be told, the only time I'm awake at 4 am is when I'm coming home from AREA 51 or getting up to pee.

While I realize the potential savings on merchandise provide some people with a merrier Christmas, there is no chance of seeing my face among the herds of stampeding cattle racing through the stores.

Shootings, fights, violence and general mayhem notwithstanding, to camp out at any store for up to three days prior to Black Friday for savings that will still exist up until Christmas Eve is insane. Hell, I don't even go the the mall on weekends because of the thieves and loonies.

Nope, chances are if you see me in the mall, it will be a Tuesday or Thursday morning around 10 am. It will take me less than two hours to complete my mission, allowing to have a martini lunch at one of my favorite restaurants and then home by 3 pm.

The News As I See It: Colorado police arrested a 31-year-old man for allegedly threatening to blow up a Best Buy when he was told it was sold out of the new release of "Modern Warfare 3."

Remember the $16 muffin, a sign of government spending out of control? It turns out that all the criticism was half-baked.

Coast Guard officials in Florida say they arrested William Hodges when he called them for help when the boat he had stloen ran out of gas.

A woman reported that her car as stolen, and mentionedt hat there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet and the thief was arrested.

This Date In History: 1758; The British captured Fort Duquesne (Pittsburgh) in the French and India Wars. 1783; The British evacuated New York City, their last military position, after the Revolutionary War. 1841; The slaves who seized the Amistad in 1839 were freed by the Supreme Court. They had been defended by former president John Quincy Adams.

1947; Movie executives blacklisted the "Hollywood Ten." 1986 Iran-Contra scandal broke. 1998; Jiang Zemin became the first Chinese head of state to visit Japan since World War II. 1999; Elian Gonzalez was rescued off the coast of Florida. 2002; President George W. Bush signed into law the Department of Homeland Security and named Tom Ridge as head.

Picture Of The Day: Lighthearted Black Friday moments and this poor little dog....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My friend and his wife have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, they go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine and a romantic dinner. She goes Tuesdays, He goes Fridays. 2) I've been banned from a particular store that sells adjustable beds. I was lying on the bed when an attractive sales woman walked up and asked me what my favorite position was. I'm thinking I should have said "missionary" instead of "doggie style." 3) Sow your wild oats on Friday night, then pray for crop failure on Sunday. 4) You know you've reached middle age when the phone rings on Saturday night, you pray it isn't for you. 5) My friend's wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So he went down to Goodwill and got all of her clothes back.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 25th: Assuming you weren't injured, maimed or murdered while shopping today, the rest of your evening should go well. Hell, it's Friday, so go out for dinner, dancing and drinks. As an afterthought, be sure your destination is not located within two miles of a mall. I'm just saying.....

Birthdays: Félix Lope de Vega Carpio, dramatic poet 1562, Andrew Carnegie, industrialist and philanthropist 1835, Carry Moore Nation, temperance advocate 1846, Pope John XXIII, religious leader 1881, Virgil Thomson, composer 1896, Ba Jinmodern novelist 1904, Joseph DiMaggio, baseball star 1914, Ricardo Montalbanactor 1920, John Larroquette, actor 1947, John F. Kennedy, Jr., publisher, lawyer 1960, Amy Grant, pop musician 1960.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill:TA busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn. The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer told him he had buried them. The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they all dead?" The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig. One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !

So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house." So the stick ig let the straw pig in. Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !

So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!" So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up. The wolf said, '"I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.

A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up. Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living shit out of him. Then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired, killing the wolf. They tied cement blocks around his feet threw his sorry ass into the creek. Then they got back into their Caddy and drove off.

The straw pig and stick pig were amazed! They asked, "Who the hell were those guys?" The brick pig said, "Those were my cousins...the Guinea Pigs."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough loving. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love. The problem was their nooner. It took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done.

Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do. The doctor said, "Just take your rifle out to the field with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time." They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while

Homer came back to the doctor's office about a month later. The doctor said, "What's wrong? Didn't my idea work?" Homer said, "Oh, it worked real well. Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene would come running. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home again."

The doctor said, "Great Homer, so what's the problem?" Homer said, "I ain't seen her since hunting season started."

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" The man cries, Oh God no! My golfing is over! Please Doc, what’s the good news?" The surgeon said, "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman’s arm! I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant" The man says, "go for it, Doc. As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. The surgeon says, "Hi, how's the new arm?" The businessman replies, "Great! I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." The surgeon said, "That's great."

The businessman continued, "Not only that, my handwriting has improved, I’ve learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors." The surgeon says, "Wonderful! I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. I'm glad you didn't have side affects."

The golfer said, "Well, there is one minor side effect. Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache!"

A woman walks into a hardware store and says, "I want to buy a hinge." The clerk says, "Do you wanna screw for that hinge?" The woman replies, "No, but I'll blow you for a toaster."

That's it for today my cashless little shoppers. Remember, the best way to end the evening is with a prayer. This is one of the prayers I like to use: Lord; These past couple of years have been tough.You have taken my favorite actor Patrick Swayze, my favorite actress Elizabeth Taylor and my favorite cowboy James Arness. I just wanted you to know that my favorite president is Barack Obama. I'm going to AREA 51. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !