Rollback - Aisle 2

I go shopping at Wal-Mart when there are good sales. I also go there when I'm feeling down because afterwards, I always feel like my life isn't as bad as I thought. It's fun because I always see people wearing weird clothes. Lot of tube tops there, but tube tops are not for everyone. I mean, even a tire has a pressure limit.

There are a lot discoveries to be made at Wal-Mart. A lot of my favorite music is in the bargain bin there. Although I prefer the first young lady at the top of the page, I'm usually confronted by the one below.

The News As I See It: A man in Florida has been arrested for wearing a President Obama mask while robbing a McDonald's. To show you how good this guy's disguise was, instead of a holdup note he was reading from a teleprompter.

I can't wait to see the debate between Joe Biden and Paul Ryan. Biden is said to be already trying out different strategies. So far the strategy that Obama likes is where Biden pretends to have food poisoning and they cancel the debate.

Hurricane Isaac didn't threaten the Republican convention, but to their credit, the Republicans had a contingency plan. If the hurricane did hit hard, delegates were instructed to evacuate to Mitt Romney's tax shelter.

According to The New York Times, more than half of President Obama's Twitter followers are fake. They don't even exist, which is actually a good thing because if they did exist there wouldn't be any jobs for them.

The White House is now brewing its own beer. Republicans say the White House beer is actually pretty good. Just don't drink the Kool-Aid.

Chris Christie gave the keynote address. In his speech he said the word "I" 37 times, "Romney" 7 times, and "jobs" only once. Then there was the 622 times he said the words "ham and cheese."

MTV has announced this will be the last season of "Jersey Shore." So I guess we'll never know if they learn to walk upright.

Donald Trump was bumped from speaking at the Republican convention because of Hurricane Isaac. See, nobody ever talks about the good things hurricanes do.

According to The New York Times, Iraq now loves American fast food. They hate us but they love our fast food. This is how we work. We force democracy on them and then we sneak in morbid obesity.

This Date In History: 1887; Thomas Edison received a patent for his "Kinetoscope" and moving pictures were born. 1888; Mary Ann Nicholls, considered to be Jack the Ripper's first victim, was found murdered in London. 1962; Trinidad and Tobago gained independence from Great Britain.

1980; Poland's Solidarity labor movement had its beginnings when an agreement ending a 17-day strike was signed in Gdansk. 1994; Russia officially ended its military presence in the former East Germany and the Baltic states. 1997; Princess Diana and her companion Dodi al-Fayed were killed in a car accident in Paris.

Picture Of The Day: "So, I said to my buddies, Let's build some houses here. How hard can it be?"

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) As students return to campus, remember that college is a fountain of knowledge and students are there to drink. 2) For those waiting for me to go out of my mind. It may take longer as the exits are not clearly marked. 3) Sex is like software. For every one who pays for it there are hundreds getting it for free. 4) Moths are really butterflies after they've removed their makeup. 5) I hate it when your girlfriend asks you to hold her purse and it doesn't match what you're wearing.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - August 31st: Life can be as romantic as you wish to make it. Like the old saying goes, "A man with three fish has enough in his heart to help him build a picnic table." (Huh?). Putty may be an important object for you today, as will a ball of string and a small ball-peen hammer. Drinking alcohol may help, as well. Try to wear the underwear with the really strong elastic if you go out tonight.

Birthdays: My pal Pat in the U.K. - Happy Birthday young lady! 19XX, Georg Jensen, silversmith 1866, Maria Montessori, Italian educator and physician 1870, Wilhelmina, queen regnant of the Kingdom of the Netherlands 1880, Alan Jay Lerner, lyricist and librettist 1918, Itzhak Perlman, concert violinist 1945, Van Morrison, singer, songwriter 1945, Richard Gere, actor 1949.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, Her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer.

When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked, "How much for the teapot?" Joe Bob replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!" Mary Louise replied, "My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy.

Joe Bob went to the backroom to find a hinge. From the backroom Joe Bob yelled, "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?" Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for that teapot!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A Roadway truck driver is driving east on Route 66 and he sees another truck driving west. The CB crackles to life and a voice "Hey Roadway driver, who are the two biggest assholes in America?" The Roadway driver replies, "I don't know." The other trucker says " You and your brother.

The Roadway driver gets annoyed but the other driver tells him "It's just a joke. Tell it to the next truck you see."

The Roadway driver goes for about an hour and finally sees another truck. He gets on the CB and says, "Hey trucker, do you know who the two biggest assholes in the world are?" The other trucker says, "I don't know, who?" The roadway driver replies "Me and my brother."

A guy's talking to a girl in a bar. He asks, "What's your name?" She says, "Carmen." He says, "That's a nice name. Who named you, your mother?" She says, "No, I named myself."

He says, "Why Carmen?" She says, "Because I like cars and I like men. What's your name?" He says, "Beertits."

Two guys, Stuart and Robert, were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stuart said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"  Robert replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"

That's it for today, my little guppies. Remember, a relationship is the period of time between "I love you" and "Everything you do pisses me off". I'm off to AREA 51 for happy hour. That's it for now. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Remember.....

As you enjoy this Memorial Day holiday with your family and friends, please take the time to remember and pay tribute to the men and women of the Armed Forces, both past and present, whose dedication and service make America the land of the free. God Bless America.

Maybe it's just me, but have you seen Walmart's newest commercial which uses the phrase "Match it"? The commercial begins with a young woman showing a Walmart cashier a competing ad in which the product sells for twenty cents less..... (Remember to mute my music playlist located on the left sidebar.)



Now I don't know about the employees at your particular Walmart, but in Miami, most of the Walmart employees barely speak English. Moreover, none of the Walmart employees that I've met don't even come close to resembling the all American actors in the commercial. In fact, the "employees of Walmart" strikingly resemble the "People of Walmart." Take a look.....



The News As I See It: Lindsay Lohan has begun her house arrest. When he heard about it, Arnold Schwarzenegger was like, "Don't worry, Lindsay. Sometimes everything you need is right in your own house."

One of Sarah Palin's supporters is about to release a documentary about her called "The Undefeated." That's like a documentary about Arnold Schwarzenegger being called "The Faithful."

When President Obama arrived in France for the G8 summit, a meeting of the world’s top economic powers. To give you an idea of how bad our economy is doing, when the president arrived, the other countries were like, "What are you doing here?"

CBS has announced some new shows coming up, including "Celebrity Housekeeper." A group of women compete to become Arnold Schwarzenegger’s maid.

This Date In History: 1431; Joan of Arc was burned at the stake as a heretic. 1536; King Henry VIII of England married his 3rd wife, Jane Seymour, 11 days after he had his 2nd wife, Anne Boleyn executed. 1911; The first Indianapolis 500 was won by Ray Harroun.

1922; The Lincoln Memorial in Washington, DC, was dedicated by Chief Justice William Howard Taft. 1998; An earthquake in Northern Afghanistan (and subsequent aftershocks) killed an estimated 5,000 and injured at least 1,500. A quake on February 4th in the same area had killed about 2,300.

Picture Of The Day: There's little doubt about today's theme. Take the time today to reflect and say a prayer for the men and women, both past and present, who have served and protected this great nation.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off. 2) Puberty is when you separate the boys from the girls, sometimes with a crowbar. 3) I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. 4) The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, "Where the hell is my roof?" 5) Don't count your chickens and don't blame my cat. He has an airtight alibi.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Gemimi May 30th: Minor changes to your driving style allows you to feel like you're a better driver, but actually are making your behavior quite erratic. Screaming "Death to the Infidel" as you're walking through busy airports or shopping centers will leave you with bruises in special places.

Waiting for your loved one to come to you could be a big mistake. This is especially true for at least one person today, whose loved one happens to drive a very large bus and will suddenly lose the ability to brake while driving straight towards your house. Cooking dinner for a special someone will help garner their trust and you can take advantage of them. Be gentle.

Birthdays: Alexander Archipenko, sculptor 1887, Irving G. Thalberg, movie executive 1899, Seton Howard Frederick Lloyd, archaeologist 1902, Mel Blanc, actor 1908, Benny Goodman, musician 1909, Gale Sayers, football player 1943.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." Her husband replies, "Yep, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together, naked as jaybirds." The old woman snickers, "Maybe, we should we get naked again for old time's sake?"

So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. The old woman says breathlessly, "You know, my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago." The old man says, "I'm not surprised. One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal..."

A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber’s face. The robber shot the customer in the leg without a moment’s hesitation. He then looked around the bank to see if anyone else was looking.

Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?" There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then, an old cowboy tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his head down said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Garnett for his contribution to today's stories.

A man was eating lunch with his 10-year-old Granddaughter and he asked her, "How are you doing in school?" The little girl said, "I'm doing great. We're learning about the new holiday, "President Obama Day" that occurs on June 1st.

Her grandfather said, "President's Day is in February. What does President Obama Day mean?" She replied, "I know. We've studied the February date, but this is a new holiday. President Obama Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House and if he sees his shadow, we have one more year of unemployment."

A man stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab of $7.75, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip....three quarters. As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves." The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him and says, "Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?"

The waitress says, "Well, this quarter tells me you're a thrifty man." Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters, "Hmm, true enough." The waitress continues, "And this quarter tells me you're a bachelor." Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too." The waitress says, "And the third quarter tells me that your father was one, too."

Before she became engaged, a woman was quite the beauty and didn't mind letting her boyfriend know it, too. She said, "A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry." The boyfriend retorted, "Really? And just how many men are you planning to marry?"

That's it for today my sugar pops. Remember, the two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

It's Nearing The Time To "Go To The Mattresses"

As I watch the daily newscasts from different news channels, it amazes me that each channel has its own view of what's news. If you're watching CBS, ABC or NBC their stories are more or less along the same lines of importance. Cable channels like the liberal CNN and the conservative FOX seem to have their own ideas of what's important and tend to run their stories to fit their own political preferences and ideas.

What really amazes me is that aside from CNN's Anderson Cooper and Lou Dobbs (probably the only conservative member of CNN), no one is paying attention to the U.S.-American border and myriad of horror stories happening there. In Juarez, Mexico, Drug Cartels have taken over the town. The Mayor has resigned and fled, the sheriff has resigned and there is no government there. The media is so concerned about reporting every move Obama makes and on the stimulus bill, no one seems to be noticing the dark cloud forming on our southern border. I hope that I don't have to write "I told you so" in the coming year.

In the interim, you'd better start preparing to pay more taxes. If this April 15th doesn't cost you money, it will next year. That is, of course, if you declare you income and file your taxes. If not, please disregard this paragraph and continue your fiesta with your home boys.

The stimulus package has to be paid by someone and we will probably go to China to finance it. That loan will be repaid by the tax payer (that means you). Just for the record, you already pay quite a bit to China if you shop at Walmart. I recently watched a documentary called Walmart: High Cost / Low Price. If you have a chance, watch it.

The documentary shows city governments in America giving untold tax breaks to Walmart to get them into their community. The promise that Walmart makes to these communities sounds good at first, but Walmart doesn't ever really comply with their part of the deal. When it's time for Walmart to start really paying their share of taxes to the city government, they fold their stores, move outside the city limits and rebuild there, thus avoiding the city taxes. Besides forcing all the nearby Mom and Pop stores to go out of business, they leave the small city with a giant, unrentable, empty warehouse and a town with many of it's citizens counting on working for the Walmart at low wages.

Pretty nifty, huh? They pay $.18 to the Chinese slave workers for the shirt, ship the shirt to America and sell the shirt from a tax subsidized warehouse in a small, needy American city for $11.00. Think about that the next time you shop at Walmart, that is assuming you or your family haven't already died from their lead based products and poisoned Chinese food.

This Date In History: 1681; King Charles II grants Quaker landowner William Penn a vast tract of land in North America, which is to become the colony of Pennsylvania. 1877; Tchaikovsky's ballet Swan Lake premieres at the Bolshoi Theatre in Moscow, Russia. 1890; The Forth railway bridge is opened. 1966; In an interview, John Lennon announces that the Beatles are more popular than Jesus. 1975; Charlie Chaplin is knighted.

Picture Of The Day: I guess today's news kind of got under my skin a little so I went to the mattresses (you would have to seen the Godfather to understand the term). I don't know if I enlightened anyone, but I sure feel better and I didn't even break my keyboard.

Birthdays: Henry the Navigator, prince of Portugal 1394, Sir Henry Raeburn, Scottish portrait painter 1756, Alan Sillitoe, British novelist and poet 1928, Miriam Makeba, South African singer 1932.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I am military qualified for use of the 45 automatic pistol, the M-1, M-14 and M-16 assault rifles. 2) I do not hunt for any four legged creatures.....four legged! 3) I have never had a blind date although some had other maladies. 4) Upon turning 21, my first trip to Miami Jai Alai for para-mutual gaming returned winnings of $250 in an era where $150 per week was decent income. 5) The day after I won $250 at Miami Jai Alai, my father began charging me rent for living at home.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

Barack Obama was elected President and is spending his first night in the White House. All of a sudden, the ghost of George Washington appears, and Obama says, "How can I best serve my country?" Washington says, "Never tell a lie." Obama says, "Well, I'll try but that's very difficult."

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears. Obama says, "How can I best serve my country?" Jefferson says, "Listen to the people." Obama says, "I really don't know if I can do that."

On the third night, the ghost of Abraham Lincoln appears. Obama says, "How can I best serve my country?" Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."

Vice President Joe Biden received the following message from an Indian (Native American) on a reservation: "Be careful with your immigration laws. We were careless with ours."

A man was called in for an audit by the IRS. So he asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. His accountant told him. "Wear your worst clothing and an old pair of shoes. Let them think you are a pauper." Then he asked his lawyer the same question. The lawyer said, "Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and an expensive tie."

Confused, the man went to his minister, told him of the conflicting advice, and asked him what he should do. "Let me tell you a story," replied the minister. "A woman about to be married asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. Her mother told her to wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck and wool socks. But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Her friend told her to wear her most sexy negligee with a V-neck right down to her navel."

The man said, "But reverend, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?" The reverend said, "It doesn't matter what you wear; you're still going to get screwed."

That it's it for today my little buttercups. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !