It's All In How You Slice It !

I went to Publix early Sunday morning to buy some sweet ham because, on Thursday's shopping trip, I neglected to check my refrigerator to see what I needed. Nevertheless, I took advantage of the early hour to get in and out of the store quickly. Evidently, I am not the first person to come up with this plan.

I am not a morning person. I do not have, nor have I ever had, a morning smiley face. No one in my family has ever uttered a single word until after the morning cup of coffee. That said, there I was, surrounded by morning people, chattering and smiling like a group of chipmunks.

When my number was finally called, I ordered my ham and left the rest of the smiley people who seemed more than content to remain in the herd and mentally graze at the display case.

On my way to the register, I momentarily pondered purchasing Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia ice cream which was on special (buy one, get one free) but abstained since I had already purchased two on Thursday.

When I got home, I opened the ham to sample a slice and that's when I noticed that I had failed to asked the clerk to slice the ham thinly. Sweet ham must be sliced thinly for a good sandwich. Frustrated, I tried to wrest with the fact that I had made the mistake and I would live with it.

I took solace in the fact that my cat, Shithead, loves sliced ham and he was right beside me, patiently awaiting his share of the ham. I smiled and gave him two large pieces of ham. I felt good knowing that at least my cat would benefit from my error.

Shithead voraciously ate his ham and after wiping off his mouth with his paw, turned to me and said, "Hey Jimmy, they sliced the ham too thick."

The News As I See It: Saint Patrick's Day parties were a huge success. This is the day that people get so drunk, they're willing to eat Irish food. It's ironic that this was the fourth St. Patrick's Day of Obama's presidency and he still hasn't created a green job.

Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich made his final public appearance last week before beginning his 14-year prison term. No word on who his cell mate is yet. There's a good chance it's probably another former Illinois governor.

Obama said he's set up a task force to look into high gas prices. He'd look into it himself, but he's busy going to fundraisers and working on his NCAA tournament brackets.

More and more Republicans are calling on Newt Gingrich to drop out of the campaign. Well, I don't want to say things look bad for Newt, but his ex-wives now are starting to outnumber his supporters.

Rick Santorum says if elected president, he'll crack down on Internet porn. You thought he was alienating female voters with that birth control thing? Guys are gonna be leaving in droves.

The English press is reporting that Prince Harry is a little depressed. Prince Harry wishes he was a normal 27-year-old guy. He's got no job. He can't commit to a relationship. He still lives at home. He is a normal 27-year-old.

This Date In History: 1853; During the Taiping Rebellion in China, the rebels captured Nanking and renamed it T'en-ching (Heavenly Capital). 1920; The United States Senate voted down signing the Treaty of Versailles for the second time.

1931; Nevada state legislature legalized gambling. 1953; The Academy Awards were first televised. 1996; Sarajevo became a united city again after four years when Moslem-Croat authorities took control of the last district held by Serbs.

2003; Operation Iraqi Freedom is launched with air strikes on Baghdad, the beginning of the war with Iraq (March 20 in Iraq). 2003; Mahmoud Abbas became prime minister of Palestine. He would later succeed Yasir Arafat as head of the PLO and president of the Palestinian Authority.

Picture Of The Day: Like the Energizer Bunny, it keeps growing and growing and growing.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) People are just like government. They tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves. 2) I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen." 3) Alcohol doesn't solve any problems but, then again, neither does milk. 4) The word "vegetarian" comes from the Native American Navajo nation unwritten dictionary, meaning "lousy hunter". 5) A friend is someone who will help you move. A good friend is someone who will help you move a dead body.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - March 19th: Even though today is Monday, things will proceed in an orderly manner for you. Things will literally fall into your lap, so be careful with coffee. Chance of romance is 14.32 percent yet your chance of sex is 72.33 percent. Go figure....

Birthdays: David Livingstone, missionary and explorer 1813, Richard Francis Burton, explorer 1821, Wyatt Earp, law officer 1848, William Jennings Bryan, American political leader 1860, Earl Warren, jurist 1891, Philip Roth, author 1933, Glenn Close, actress 1947, Bruce Willis, actor 1955.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The grieving widow goes to her local newspaper to submit an obituary. The man behind the counter tells her it will cost $5 per word. She thinks for a moment and says "Fred's dead." The man then informs her there is a five word minimum. She says, "Okay....Fred's dead. Buick for sale"

The Queen was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the royal stable, when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored. The Queen said, "Oh dear. How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that." The Archbishop said, "It's quite understandable. As a matter of fact I thought it was the horse."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A woman went to the bar on a cruise ship and ordered a Scotch with two drops of water. The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today." The bartender said, "Well, since it's your birthday, this one's on me."

As the lady finished her drink, the woman to her right said, "I'd like to buy you a drink, too." The lady said, "Thank you, how sweet of you. Bartender, please give me another Scotch, with two drops of water." The bartender said, "Coming up."

As she finished that drink, another man said, "I'd like to buy you a drink too." The lady said, "Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I'll have another Scotch, with two drops of water."As the bartender gave her the drink, he said, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman smiled and replied, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."

Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes to play in the water. Shortly thereafter, the boy runs to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"The mother cleverly replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are!"

With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some men with dongs a lot bigger than Daddy's!" His mother replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are!"

Satisfied, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more he talked, the dumber he got!"

That's it for today, my little tiddly winks. Remember, no one is really listening until you fart. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Happy Saint Patrick's Day !

Tomorrow is Saint Patrick's Day and the weekend will revel in St. Paddy's Day parties. While most nationalities are a bit inclusive in their ethnic celebrations, everybody is Irish on Saint Patrick's Day. One of the party goers will be Barack O'Bama, whose father was born in an Irish neighborhood of Kenya.

St. Paddy's Day ranks number two (second only to New Year's Eve) in amateur drinking. For some reason, these two days are an "automatic" for producing drunks and subsequently, fights and car crashes. Of all holiday parties, St. Paddy's Day is one of the few that I curtail my drinking and keep an eye out for amateurs, especially on the road after midnight.

That important note notwithstanding, I too will be one of the party revelers as St. Paddys parties are notably lots of fun. I find that one of the major benefits are a virtual plethora of beautiful women who seem to feel obligated to get soused. I, of course, am always at the ready comfort these poor lasses and to volunteer my services as I was trained as a combat medic in the military.

So, enjoy yourselves this weekend my Irish brethren and drink responsibly. Don't drink and drive because the life you save may be mine.....

The News As I See It: Newt Gingrich has promised to cut the price of gas to $2.50 a gallon. It's not catching on with voters. How bad a candidate are you that people are willing to pay higher gas prices just to keep you out of office?

Not a good week for Obama either. His approval rating has dropped 9 percent in the last month to an all-time low of 41 percent. In fact, if this keeps up, the White House said they may have to fish bin Laden out of the ocean and shoot him all over again.

A new CBS poll found that 80 percent of Americans say they are not better off than they were four years ago. The other 20 percent own gas stations.

A Harvard study says that one out of 10 deaths are caused by red meat. You know what that really means? Nine of those 10 people were killed by vegetables.

Drug users in San Francisco have now formed a drug user's union. So look for the union label when you're buying crack. Actually, the drug users are really different now that they've formed a union. Now one guy smokes crack and four other guys stand around watching.

Police across the country say there's been a spike in criminals stealing Tide laundry detergent. So I guess all those commercials that say it cleans blood stains are really paying off. If you steal Tide laundry detergent, would that be considered a white-collar crime?

This month, in 1781, Sir William Herschel first discovered Pluto but apparently, it wasn't good enough to remain classified as a planet. In 2006, Pluto was downgraded. It's now called a dwarf planet, which I think is insensitive. "Little People Planet" would be fine.

March Madness officially began March 13th and millions of workers will waste 90 minutes a day watching basketball. Obama was at one of the games and he brought British Prime Minister David Cameron with him. It's part of a cultural exchange program. They go to a basketball game here and get involved in a brawl and then in July, the prime minister has invited Obama to England to take part in a soccer riot.

This Date In History: 1521; Ferdinand Magellan reached the Philippines. 1850;
Nathaniel Hawthorne's novel The Scarlet Letter was published. 1926; The first liquid-fuel rocket was successfully launched by Professor Robert Goddard at Auburn, Massachusetts. The rocket traveled 184 feet in 2.5 seconds. 1935; Adolf Hitler cancelled the military clauses of the Treaty of Versailles.

1968; The My Lai massacre occurred in Vietnam. 1978 Italian politician Aldo Moro was kidnapped, and later murdered, by the Red Brigades. 1985; U.S. journalist Terry Anderson was kidnapped in Beirut; he was not released until December 4, 1991 after 2454 days in captivity.

1988; Lieutenant Colonel Oliver L. North and Vice Admiral John M. Poindexter of the National Security Council are indicted on charges of conspiracy to defraud the United States for their role in the Iran-contra affair.

Picture Of The Day: Happy Saint Patrick's Day !

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Being Irish, I'm going celebrate St. Patrick's Day in my backyard and sit down with Paddy O'Furniture. 2) The reason leprechauns laugh when they run is because the grass tickles their balls. 3) My doctor was puzzled and told me "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble. I think it must be drinking." I told him, "Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober." 4) My pal, O'Malley told me that that his wife was driving him to drink. He's lucky, my ex-wife made me walk ! 5) The Irish Jig began when Irishmen had too many drinks and not enough restrooms.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - March 16th: The stars align for you and Saint Paddy's Day parties will virtually assure you of two days of throwing up pieces of green. Don't let it get you down. A plate of corned beef and cabbage will put you back on the right track. Chance of romance is 89.33 percent but it may involve one of the people you party with tonight. Wear your glasses, just in case.

Birthdays: James Madison, fourth President of the United States 1751, Georg Simon Ohm, physicist 1787, Reza Shah Pahlevi, shah of Iran 1877, Henny Youngman, comedian 1906, Jerry Lewis, comedian 1926, Daniel Patrick Moynihan, sociologist and politician 1927, Bernardo Bertolucci, filmmaker 1940.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin and coming in the opposite direction was Father O'Rafferty. Father O'Rafferty said, "And how is Mrs. O'Donovan? Didn't I marry you two years ago?" She replied "Aye, that you did, Father." Father O'Rafferty said, "And be there any little ones yet?" Mrs. O'Donovan said, "No, not yet, Father." Father O'Rafferty said, "Well, now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you." Mrs. O'Donovan said. "Oh, thank you, Father," and away she went.

Some years later they met again. The Father said, "Well, now, Mrs. O'Donovan, how are you?" Mrs. O'Donovan said, "Oh, very well." Father O'Rafferty said, "Tell me, have you any little ones yet?" Mrs. O'Donovan "Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles - ten in all." Father O'Rafferty said, "Now isn't that wonderful. And how is your husband?" Mrs. O'Donovan "Oh, he's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle."

Patrick Flaherty came home drunk every evening around midnight. Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either, so one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him. As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, "Patrick Sean Flaherty, if ya' don't give up you're drinkin', it's to hell I'll take ye'".

Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who the hell are you?". Too that the Missus replied, "I'm the divil ya' damned old fool". Flaherty replied, "Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were discussing different pubs. The Scotsman said,"As good as this is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

The Englishman said, "Well, Angus, at my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

The Irishman said, "Ahhh, that's nothin'. Back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. The asked the Irishman, "Did this actually happen to you?" The Irishman, "Not meself personally, but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

May the road rise to meet you, May the wind be always at your back, May the sunshine warm upon your face, The rains fall soft upon your fields and, Until we meet again, May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

It's Saint Patrick's Day and an armed, hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot, one brave, Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shoots the guy without hesitation!

He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him also. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

The robber screams, "Did anyone else see my face?!" There is a few moments of silence then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says, "I think me wife may have caught a glimpse."

That's it for today, my little leprechauns. May you always have walls for the winds, a roof for the rain, tea beside the fire, laughter to cheer you, those you love near you and all your heart might desire. AREA 51 beckons. Have a great weekend and more on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Welcome to McDonalds - How Can I Screw Up Your Order?

I decided to skip cooking breakfast this morning and take a run to McDonalds for a change of pace. In theory, you park, go inside, pick a numbered picture and make your order. The mornings are the best time to go to McDonalds, because all the lovely little children have not yet come out of their sugar comas and are not running rampant throughout the store.

A lovely young lass said, "Welcome to McDonalds. May I take your order? So far, so good. I asked for a numbered picture and added, "Could you make the coffee Decaf?" A panic stricken look came over the young lady, but when she turned towards the coffee area, she espied the familiar coffee pot with the distinct orange band. Instantly, self confidence took over and she said, "Sure". When she returned with the order, I was prepared, exact change in hand.

Having been to McDonalds before, I immediately looked into the bag to make sure everything was there. The young lady said, "That will be $2.49, Sir." I looked at my hand and it contained $2.19, the amount on the "picture". I said, "The sign says $2.19" The young lady said, "That's if you get a small coffee, I gave you a medium coffee." My memories of McDonalds began to kick in.

I said, "Young lady, I didn't ask for a specific size, I ordered number X (I don't remember the damned number,) and whatever it comes with, sizes included." She said, "But, I gave you a medium." Now, my McDonald memories have come back completely and I have seen this horror movie before. I said, "Look, sweetie, you can come back with a box of Kentucky Fried Chicken if you like, as long as the breakfast I ordered is in the same bag and the price matches the picture."

She turned to look for her manager (who was around 20 years old). He asked what the problem was and I explained it to him. He said, "Well, she gave you a medium coffee." I said, "You see that picture that says $2.19" He answered, "Yes." I said, "It says it comes with coffee." He said, "Right, a small coffee." I said, "That's what I ordered."

He said, "Well, we'll have to replace the medium with a small coffee." I said, "You mean so like when someone orders a number 2, you'll bring them what is represented in the picture." He said, "Right." They exchanged the coffee, I paid for my order and asked him, "Have you ever heard of "Abbott and Costello." He said, "I think they work the night shift........"

One of my pet peeves is when I hear one more media person say, "The ruling was 'squashed", I think I'll flip out ! I don't expect everyone to speak the King's English but those media types, who supposedly have a command of the spoken and printed word, along with writers and directors to aid them (not to mention teleprompters), should be able to pick this up. The word is "Quashed", not squashed ! God forbid if they ever needed to quell the rumors that farmers were illegally growing squash had been quashed !

The News As I See It: Gasoline may soon be $6 a gallon. The good news is the White House says Obama is aware of the problem and will continue to talk about it between fundraisers. Obama today released his NCAA bracket. He is a huge basketball fan. But privately, White House aides are worried that if he spends so much time on this, it could affect his golf game.

Happy birthday to Mitt Romney, he’s 65 years old. At his party, he didn't blow out the candles. He gave a speech and the candles just flickered and died. Romney's birthday is not a big deal here. But in the Cayman Islands, it's a national holiday.

What time we save on daylight-saving-time is offset by the 45 minutes it takes me to figure out how to reset the clock on the microwave. I don't condone jumping ahead in time in any form, unless it involves a DeLorean, stolen plutonium, and a soundtrack by Huey Lewis.

Larry King announced he'll be hosting a new daily talk show online. Really, the only place Larry should be online is for the early bird special at Golden Corral.

This Date In History: 1743; The first town meeting was held in Boston, Massachusetts, at Faneuil Hall. 1794; The cotton gin was patented by Eli Whitney. 1939; The Republic of Czechoslovakia was dissolved, soon to be occupied by the Nazis. 1950; The FBI’s "Ten Most Wanted Fugitives" list made its debut.

1958; Perry Como's single "Catch a Falling Star" became the first RIAA gold record. 1964; Jack Ruby was found guilty of the murder of Lee Harvey Oswald, alleged assassin of President John F. Kennedy. 1990; The Soviet Congress voted Mikhail Gorbachev into the newly-created and powerful position of president.

Picture Of The Day: This picture has nothing to do with today's entry. I just liked it, so here it is.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Scotsmen wear kilts because sheep can hear zippers. 2) Don't count your chickens and don't blame my cat. He has an airtight alibi. 3) The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again. 4) Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. 5) I went to a bar last week that had a black light and everybody looked cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - March 14th: Temperatures will rise today as you find yourself locked in a closet with a close friend who just ate beans. Love comes when you least expect it, but it won't be with the bean eater. Chance of romance is 23.98 percent but will be higher if the ill winds from the bean eater blow in the opposite direction. 67.23 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Birthdays: Georg Telemann, composer 1681, Giovanni Schiaparelli, astronomer 1835, Paul Ehrlich, bacteriologist 1854, Casey Jones, railroad engineer 1864, Albert Einstein, American theoretical physicist, known for the formulation of the relativity theory 1879, Diane Arbus, photographer 1923, Quincy Jones, composer 1933, Michael Caine, actor 1933, Billy Crystal, actor, comedian, writer 1947.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A woman is having a bed wetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor. The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him in the other room. When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror. She figures he is a doctor and gets in front of the mirror. The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror. After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed.

The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her. He tells her that she needs to quit drinking water before she goes to bed. The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head. He replies, "I wanted to see how I would look with a beard."

An older couple met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink.

Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay. As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....

Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler." Maude was thinking: "If I'd known the old buzzard could still do it, I'd have taken off my pantyhose.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung out the wash to dry and then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning. She mused to herself as she walked down Main Street, "Gootness, it's hotter dan hell today." She passed a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?"

So she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender walked up and asked her what she would like to drink. Helga said in a timid voice, "You know, I don't usually go into bars, but today I vill make an exception. It is zo hot, I tink I'll have myself a cold beer."

The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?" Helga blushed and timidly replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yur viener?"

A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is.

The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best. The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead.

The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment". The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants.

No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants. His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on her face. She says "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"

With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"

That's it for today, my little bean sprouts, Remember, an ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated which is kinda funny 'cause so does my Uncle. It's Hump Day and a damned good reason to head over to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

What's Up Doc?

Saturday morning cartoons and television shows were always something to look forward to when I was a puppy. I remember getting up early in the morning and watching the test pattern until the station came on the air. There were always cartoons, including Tom and Jerry, Mighty Mouse, Woody Woodpecker, Bugs Bunny and The Roadrunner.

Then the shows came on. We would watch The Buster Brown Show, Roy Rogers and Dale Evans, Sky King and The Little Rascals (Our Gang). The Three Stooges were always a treat when they would come on periodically, but they never came on consistently.

If we were really lucky, we'd go to the movie theater. That was almost an all day affair as we would watch the cartoons first, then the Movietone News reel and then the serial, which was a half hour continuing short movie that always left you hanging (so that you would return the following week).

Finally, the "feature" movie would come on. Since it was the closest theater within bicycle distance, we never bothered to see what was playing because just going to the movies was an event unto itself. I saw "Carousel" and "Oklahoma" when they first came out at that theater and I remember being surprised, then angry, that the actors would stop in the scene and start singing for no apparent reason. Musicals were never one of my favorites.

Those days were innocent and bring back fond memories. We would ride our bikes to the movies (which was a mile away) and leave our bikes outside in the rack unlocked. The theater was our playground all day long and we sometimes watched the featured movie twice. Then, just before it got dark, we'd ride home, happy as larks.

It's a shame that the good kids of today can't enjoy similar experiences. With street monkeys lurking in every nook and cranny waiting to rob someone or steal something, it's unsafe for children to go anywhere without adult supervision.

The News As I See It: Japanese researchers have invented a speech-jamming gun that can silence people from 30 meters away. You fire this at them, and they can stop talking. It makes people speechless. I'm thinking that a lot of married people will purchase this.

In a recent interview, Obama said when he plays golf, he doesn't want or expect people to give him a pass on any shots. He just hopes people will give him a mulligan in November.

A phone survey found that 70 percent of Americans support legalizing marijuana. I can't believe that many marijuana supporters were able to answer the phone.

Last week a Chicken McNugget that resembles President George Washington was auctioned on eBay for over $8,000. Meanwhile, a Chicken McNugget that looks like Mitt Romney was eaten by Newt Gingrich.

This Date In History: 1912; Juliette Gordon Low founded the Girl Scouts. 1930; Mohandas Gandhi began his 200-mile march to protest the British salt tax. 1933; President Franklin D. Roosevelt gave the first of his nation-wide "fireside chats" on radio.

1938; "Anschluss" took place when Hitler incorporated his homeland of Austria into the Third Reich. 1947; President Truman established the "Truman Doctrine" to aid in the containment of Communism. 1993; Janet Reno was sworn in as the first female attorney general of the United States.

1994; The Church of England ordained women priests for the first time in 460 years. 2002; The color-coded terror alert system was unveiled by Homeland Security chief Tom Ridge. 2003; The prime minister of the Serbian state (of Serbia and Montenegro), Zoran Djindjic, was assassinated.

Picture Of The Day: Those were the days.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I got lost once when I was a kid. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide." 2) My ex-wife and I didn't think alike. She donated money to the homeless and I donated money to the topless! 3) Television advertisers have stated that silver is out performing gold in the marketplace. I checked with the Lone Ranger and, sure enough, it's true! 4) Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. 5) Fettuccini Alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - March 12th: The Monday morning blues will fade as the evening nears. Opportunity will come knocking this evening. Chance of romance is 37.65 percent but don't worry, tomorrow looks better. Don't get on an elevator with a midget if you're having any flatulent issues.

Birthdays: George Berkeley, philosopher 1685, Vaslav Nijinsky, ballet dancer and choreographer 1890, Jack Kerouac, American Writer 1922, Edward Albee, dramatist 1928, Andrew Young, political leader 1932, Liza Minnelli, actress 1946, James Taylor, singer and musician 1948.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex.

He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised. He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised. John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised.

After John polled his group several more times he noticed an old guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. The old guy said, "Once a year!" To John's dismay, he responds, "Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?" The old guy responds, "Tonight's the night!"

A police officer in Pennsylvania was interviewing an old man who was a witness to a murder. The cop asked, "Did you see what happened?" The old man said, "No but I heard it and I know who did it" The cop, a bit dubious, said, "What did you hear?"

The old man said, "Clip-clop, clip-clop, Bang!, clip-clop, clip-clop." The cop said, "And from that you know what happened?" The old timer said, "Yep, it was an Amish drive-by."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man takes his wife to the cattle show. They start heading down the alley that houses all the bulls. The sign on the first bull's stall states: "This bull mated 50 times last year. The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!"

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!"

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "Wow! He mated 365 times last year. That's once a day! You could really learn from this one."

The annoyed man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."

Just after opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became confused after reading the enclosed card, which stated, "Deepest Sympathy". While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist who apologized for having sent the wrong card. The store owner said, "Oh, it's alright. I'm a businessman and I understand these things happen."

The florist went on, "I accidentally sent the card that was meant for you to a funeral party." The store owner asked, "What did it say?" The florist relied, "Congratulations on your new location."

A woman posts an ad in the newspaper that states: Looking for man that won't beat me, run out on me and is great in bed. She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad and found someone perfect. She arranged a meeting the next day.

The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away." The lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?" Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

That's it for today, my little bunny rabbits. Remember, if you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Breaking Braking News - I Brake For Women, Especially Redheads !

We interrupt this journal to bring you Breaking News!..... I follow the news virtually all day long, mostly following FOX News for the conservative views and CNN for liberal views. That allows me to somehow find the middle. For the most part, they do a good job.

I realize and understand that there's only so much news to report. Since their news programs runs in increments of 30 minutes, there's bound to be repetition. Thus, "Breaking News" only breaks once for me and then it's "Repeated Breaking News".

Some stories, however, continue to break for two and three days in a row and at some point in time it should be reported as "Breaking News For The Hard Of Understanding" or "We've Got Nothing Else So We're Just Gonna Beat This Story To Death".

Then, in almost every city, we have the hometown sensationalist channel, whose motto seems to be "Everything We Report Whether Shitty Or Not Is 'Breaking News'". There's always a reporter on the scene, usually standing in knee deep water when if he were to walk a mere 15 feet to his left or right, he'd be on dry ground.

Of course, there's always the low ranking reporter who's sent to the scene of an accident or crime seven hours after the fact, so that he can report from the scene at 5:00 in the morning with nothing but darkness as his backdrop.

One of the most frustrating "Breaking News" routines comes with the dreaded words, "We interrupt your regular programing........." This usually occurs right in the middle of a football game or a movie you're watching and by the time the "Breaking News" report is over, you've missed the integral part of the movie and from that point on, you have no idea as to what's going on.

Hopefully, this evening will have no breaking news and if they do, let them break the story in the middle of a commercial.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled journal.

The News As I See It: It was reported that in the weeks leading up to his death, Osama bin Laden had trouble controlling the squabbling among his three wives. In fact, when the team knocked down the door, bin Laden said, "Thank God you're here. Two in the chest. One in the head. Let's do this."

Obama has broadened his "Tell Them What They Want To Hear" campaign, or as I like to refer to it, the "Free Ice Cream Campaign", to include women. The latest polls show President Obama's approval rating among women has risen by 10 percent. Many people believe this increase is due to Obama's new campaign slogan: "Tell me about your day." In a few months Obama's going to unveil this one: "Would you like white wine and a foot massage?"

According to exit polls, Mitt Romney is struggling with voters who call themselves very conservative. However, Mitt is doing great with voters who describe themselves as being totally freaked out by Rick Santorum.

Apple unveiled the new iPad. The new iPad apparently has only modest improvements over previous models which means I will trample over my own mother to get one. My lady friend was so excited about the new iPad, she iPeed her iPants.

Gas prices are $6 a gallon in L.A. and the people are furious. You can't tell though because of the Botox.

It's being reported that Dunkin' Doughnuts in China is adding pork doughnuts to the menu. For God's sake, do the Chinese have to beat us at everything?

This Date In History: 1796; Napoleon Bonaparte married Josephine de Beauharnais, widow of a former French officer executed during the revolution. 1841; The Supreme Court ruled that the Amistad slaves were free.

1862; The first battle between two ironclad ships, the Monitor (Union) and Merrimack (Confederate) occurred, revolutionizing naval warfare. 1933; The special session of Congress known as the "100 days" opened, launching FDR's New Deal.

1964; U.S. Supreme Court issued N.Y. Times v. Sullivan ruling. 1990; Dr. Antonia Novello was sworn in as both the first Hispanic and woman to be U.S. surgeon general.

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. He asked, "Mom, are these my brains?" His mother replied, "Not yet."

Picture Of The Day: That about says it!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them. 2) Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of measles. 3) Sometimes, when I am reading a good book, I stop to call and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. 4) If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. 5) They want to allow divorced women to compete in the Miss America pageant. Is that a good idea? Do you really want to hear, "My dreams for the future include world peace and that my ex-husband gets run over by a bus.".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - March 9th: Your ability to perform open heart surgery may be brought into question today as you attempt to help an asthmatic in the local park who's having breathing difficulties. Personal warranties don't mean that you're ever going get your money back on that piece of crap you bought from the "man in the funny hat". The odds are always on your side today, so don't be afraid to experiment. Chance of romance today ia 51 percent, so I guess that on attempt 50, you'll score.

Birthdays: My pals Diane and Ginny - Happy Birthday ladies 19XX, Leland Stanford, American Railroad Builder 1824, Victoria Mary Sackville-West, writer 1892, Yuri Gagarin, cosmonaut 1934, Raul Julia, actor 1940, Bobby Fischer, chess player 1943.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Five old men were playing poker when Shapiro loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other four continue playing standing up. Lipschitz looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?" They cut cards. Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. Goldburg says, "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."

Goldberg goes over to the Shapiro apartment and knocks on the door. The wife answers thru the door and asks what he wants? Goldberg says, "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home. Mrs Shapiro says, "Tell him to drop dead!" Goldberg says, "I'll go tell him."

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The second guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too, and I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?" The second guy says, "Well, she is young, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big firm breasts and a tight ass. What does your wife look like?" The first guy says, "Never mind, let's just look for yours."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Ginny and Wally for their contributions to today's stories.

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off. When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off, climbs on top and has her way with him.

Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy, if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the vasectomy is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker.The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.

While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating. Curious, the man asks, "What are they doing in there"? The nurse responds, "They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross and they have Obama Care."

A little boy, in church for the first time, watched as the ushers passed around the offering plate. When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."

The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?" The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."

One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed to the egg and asked the children, What's in here?" A little boy exclaimed, " I know! It's pantyhose."

That's it for today, my little rodebuds. Remember, people who claim they don't have the time to do things right somehow find the time to do them over. I'm going to AREA51 for happy hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !