Obama: "I Learned About The VA Scandal In The News"

Really? The CIA, the FBI and NSA are American intelligence resources and yet President Basketball Jones, says he learned of the VA wait-list scandal from watching the news. Obama seems to learn about a lot of his scandals from the news. What's wrong with this picture?

Both Obama and White House Press Secretary Jay Carney said the president didn't know about the explosive Veterans Administration scandal until he saw news reports. Earlier, a report emerged showing the VA itself warned Obama's transition team about it after the 2008 election.

Obama and his surrogates have claimed he learned of several other scandals from broadcast or print news stories. They include Operation Fast and Furious, the IRS's targeting of tea parties and a DOJ seizure of two months of Associated Press phone records.

VA medical centers stand accused of keeping secret off-the-books waiting lists in order to cook the books and boost performance stats. As many as 40 veterans died in Phoenix when they were denied critical care because their names didn't appear on official waiting lists.

Here's some other headlines over the years:

Associated Press: Obama Learned Of IRS Targeting From News Reports.
Real Clear Politics: Carney: Obama Didn’t Know About Fast and Furious Until He Saw It In Media.
USA Today: NSA Denies Obama Knew Of Spying On German Leader.
CNN: HHS Chief: President Didn’t Know Of Obamacare Website Woes Beforehand.
Business Insider: The White House Says It Had No Idea The DOJ Seized The AP’s Phone Records.

On the other hand, when Michael Sam, the Black NFL draftee, publicly declared his homosexuality, Obie knew about it immediately and was Johnny on-the-spot to congratulate him.

(CNN) -- President Barack Obama congratulated Michael Sam on Saturday for being the first openly gay football player taken in the National Football League draft, the White House said in a statement.

Ah, priorities, Barry Soetero, priorities.....

In other news, Nancy Pelosi named 5 democrats to the select committee on Benghazi but could not elaborate further as her face lift got stuck in one position.

The News As I See It: The U.S. is accusing Chinese military officials of spying. When asked why they did it, the Chinese officials said it's payback for all the times your students cheated off the Asian kid. 

 In New Hampshire, a police commissioner who called Obama a racial slur has resigned. He also publicly apologized to New Hampshire's entire black community, a guy named Steve. 

 A man from Houston is attempting to visit all the Starbucks locations in the world. It's been four years since he started. He still hasn't left Houston. 

 A woman in Iowa claims she found marijuana in her McDonald's burger. Which explains why right after eating the burger she went over to Taco Bell. 

 California Chrome won the Kentucky Derby, he won the Preakness, now comes the Belmont Stakes. For a while, it looked like California Chrome wouldn't be able to wear his Breathe Right strips on his nose in the Belmont, but now everything's fine. He will, however, not be allowed to use his reading glasses.

California Chrome

This Date In History: 1542; Spanish explorer Hernando De Soto died while searching for gold on the banks of the Mississippi River. 1881; Clara Barton founded what became the American Red Cross. 1927; Charles Lindbergh became the first person to fly across the Atlantic (from New York to Paris) in his monoplane, The Spirit of St. Louis.

1932; Amelia Earhart became the first woman to fly solo across the Atlantic Ocean (from Newfoundland to Ireland). 1956; The first hydrogen bomb to be dropped by air exploded over the Bikini Atoll in the Pacific. 1989; In Hong Kong, approximately one million people took to the streets to show their support for students protesting for democratic reforms in China’s Tiananmen Square.

1991; Rajiv Gandhi, former Indian prime minister, was assassinated by a suicide bomber. 1998; Indonesian President Suharto resigned. 1999; Susan Lucci finally won a Daytime Emmy on her 19th nomination. 2003; Christine Todd Whitman announced her resignation as administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency.

Picture Of The Day: Blah...Blah...Blah

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Politics and prostitution have to be the only jobs where inexperience is considered a virtue. 2) Getting older is like a walk in the park where no one picks up after the dogs. 3) If you play a game with your girlfriend where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not "Liz from Accounting." 4) Single people always champion being single until they meet someone special. Then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus. 5) My auto-correct turned "likeable" into "lickable" and the new intern is confused by her evaluation, but I'll bet she's smiling.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Gemini - May 21st: There's a good chance that you may meet a very interesting person this week which may lead to love. For the women, the kind male face you've always admired could pass your way. For the men, the girl of your dreams may notice you. But beware.

The face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to a man with rugged, masculine features. If she is menstruating, however, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple.

Birthdays: My friend Jim - Happy Birthday 19XX, Albrecht Dürer painter, engraver 1471, Elizabeth Fry, prison reformer and philanthropist 1780, Henri Rousseau, painter 1844, Glenn Curtiss, inventor and aviation pioneer 1878, Fats Waller, musician 1904, Andrei Sakharov, human rights advocate 1921.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, fainted and fell to the floor. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife - Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.  P.S. - Sure is hot down here.

Calvin Rickson, an engineer from Texas A and M University, has designed a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down and stops nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

After a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of Texans took Mr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.
  

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two cowboys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first cowboy says his favorite position is the "rodeo". The other cowboy asks what the position is and how do you do it?

The first cowboy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get under way and she’s really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear, 'Your sister likes this position too. Then, you try to hang on for 8 seconds."

A country boy came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"

The fireman replied, "Okay! How do we get there?" The country boy says, "Don’t you still have those big red trucks?"

Three kids were out riding their bikes one afternoon when a fire engine zoomed past with blaring sirens. The three kids noticed a Dalmatian on the front seat of the fire engine.

The first boy said, "They use that dog to keep the crowds back." The second boy said, "No, he’s just for good luck."

The third kid knew better. He said, "No, that’s not it. The dog is there to give them directions to the nearest fire hydrant!"

That's it for today, my little kitty kats. Remember, if bears ruled the world, they would not care whether or not the humans they mauled and ate were free-range. It's time to mosey on over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

9/11 Memorial Gift Shop ?

The 911 Memorial has opened in New York City. The museum at Ground Zero tells the dark story of the 9/11 terror attacks with spectacular artifacts and exhibits. It pays heart-wrenching tribute to the innocents and heroes killed that day. It also has a gift shop.

Really? A gift shop? Hey America, stop by and see the most atrocious Islamic terrorist attack on American soil in history. Take the time to remember the horrifying attack and honor the victims and loved ones. Hey! While you're there, remember to visit the gift shop. Disgusting!

Most people have little quirks that sometimes go unnoticed or are easily overlooked by others. Other peccadilloes seem to rub people the wrong way. One of the things that continue to "irk" me is the number of people, most "theoretically" educated, who persist on beginning each and every sentence with "so".

So is used as a continuation of thought. You cannot begin a conversation with the word "so". When I hear this misuse in person, I usually ask if I missed the opening statement of the conversation.

Censored Attorney General Eric Holder at a recent graduation ceremony said, "subtle, institutionalized racism has a more "pernicious" effect than the occasional bigoted outburst. Holder spoke about the different forms of racism during a commencement address Saturday at historically black Morgan State University in Baltimore.

Holder noted that in some schools districts, "significant divisions persist and segregation has reoccurred," including through discipline policies that affect black males more than whites. He says the Justice Department is working to reduce racial disparities in sentencing and he says some states have placed new restrictions on voting that disproportionately impact African-Americans.

Really Eric....really? If you, Obama and Al Sharpton didn't have a race card to play, you'd all be serving time!

The News As I See It: The new "Godzilla" movie opened over the weekend. In this movie, Godzilla is the first openly gay lizard. They're finally able to control Godzilla when New Jersey Governor Chris Christie closes down the George Washington Bridge.

New York City is now bidding on the 2024 Olympics. It was announced earlier today that New York City has been awarded the 2016 Kim Kardashian wedding.

The stadium hosting the opening match of the World Cup still isn’t ready yet because there are problems with 20,000 seats. When asked what’s wrong with the seats, officials said, "There’s no stadium built around them."

A new report found that the average life expectancy for women in the U.S. is 81, while the average life expectancy for men is 76. Or as both husbands and wives put it, “Good.”

There will be a socially relevant show on CBS about the first openly gay detective. He has a heightened sense of fashion.

This Date In History: 1536; Anne Boleyn, the second wife of King Henry VIII, was beheaded. 1588; The 130-ship-strong Spanish Armada set sail for England; it was defeated in August.

1643; The colonies of Massachusetts Bay, Plymouth, Connecticut, and New Harbor met to form the New England Confederation. 1921; Congress passed the Emergency Quota Act, establishing national quotas for immigrants.

1928; The first annual Calaveras County "Frog Jumping Jubilee" was held in Angel's Camp, California. 1935; British author and soldier, T. E. Lawrence, also known as "Lawrence of Arabia," died from injuries sustained in a motorcycle crash.

1962; Marilyn Monroe sang “Happy Birthday” to president John F. Kennedy. 1992; The 27th Amendment to the Constitution, which prohibited Congress from giving itself midterm pay raises, went into effect. 1994; Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis died in New York.

Picture Of The Day: California Chrome won the second leg of the coveted Triple Crown with his great win of the Preakness Stakes Saturday. The Belmont Stakes is the remaining obstacle in the quest for the Triple Crown and will be run at Belmont Park, N,Y. in three weeks.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When my wife and I got divorced, we split the house. I got the outside. 2) I love Ebay. I sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month. 3) I'm pretty sure it's pronounced ASK body spray, thank you. 4) My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don't really like any of them. 5) Even the stick figure woman on my girlfriend's back window has a headache.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 19th: Ten people will confess a manic love for you this week. And to think, one in twelve people that read this horoscope will find the same to be true. Cooking dinner for a special someone will help garner their trust and you can take advantage of them.

Birthdays: My friend Patt - Happy Birthday! 19XX, Johns Hopkins, financier and philanthropist 1795, Nancy Astor politician 1879, Ho Chi Minh, Vietnamese President 1890, Lorraine Hansberry, playwright 1930, Nora Ephron, screenwriter, director 1941, Pete Townshend, musician, composer 1945.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: This letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you:

Dear Kean Elementary;

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Springer Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me.

God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers. She asked if she could listen to mine and I told her to kiss my ass. Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,
Agnes

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" Mabel pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Now I know where to find my hearing aid."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Linda in Washington State for her contribution to today's stories.

A man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a freakin' checking account." To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?" The man said, "Listen up damn it, I said I want to open a freakin' checking account right now." The teller said, "Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"

The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?" The man says, "There's no damn problem. I just won $50 million in the lottery and I want to open a freakin' checking account in this damn bank!" The manager said, "I see, sir, and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

Three men got married to Latin women. The first man married a woman from Venezuela. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Mexico. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Cuba. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

That's it for today, my little pop tops. Remember, be careful with your razor. The first Mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Politically Correct? #%*&# !

When the constant persistence for political correctness (PC) encroaches on my common sense and ethics, then they can stick PC where the sun don't shine. No one likes their feelings hurt, but sometimes, folks need to buck up and let some things slide.

Recent remarks by the senile old owner of the L.A. Clippers were downright insulting and wrong. Moreover, some of the comments by people who felt wronged by his remarks were equally insulting and wrong. Name calling has never been useful in resolving issues.

Everyone, to a certain degree, has prejudices. There are, however, a few remaining bastions of solitude where one should be able to get things off one's chest without reprisal or judgement.

First and foremost, one's home is a place of privacy. At home, I often yell and scream at my television when a reporter or news anchor rubs me the wrong way. Additionally, sports also brings out the worst in me. What I (legally) do or say in my home is no one's business, especially the government.

Recently, a North Dakota elementary school said it will not allow some first grade children to perform the Village People song "YMCA "at a talent show. A parent dubbed the performance "racist" because her daughter would be asked to dress up like a stereotypical Native American caricature.

When I was a kid, we played Cowboys and Indians. No one was ever offended nor had the intent to offend anyone. These kids have no idea of the story behind the history of "YMCA" song or the real underlying message of the song. The innocence of children is ofttimes spoiled by a meddling parent......

The News As I See It: Obama was touring New York sites in need of repair. He wants to spend money on our infrastructure. For example, the port authority needs fixing and the Tappan Zee Bridge, where the renovation is already finishing up way ahead of schedule — like Obama's second term.

A federal judge has ruled that Idaho's ban on same-sex marriage is unconstitutional, so now it’s legal for gay couples to get married. Idaho's gay people all cheered.....from their homes in San Francisco and New York.

Magic Johnson told Anderson Cooper that he’s still waiting for an apology from Clippers owner Donald Sterling. Sterling responded, saying, "I’m very sorry you’re black."

A Chicago priest is offering a $5,000 reward to help stop gun violence. Meanwhile, Chicago thugs with guns just found out about a priest who has $5,000.

According to a new survey, 55 percent of Americans think that they are smarter than the average American. Said the average American, "55 percent? That’s almost half."

This Date In History: 1770; Marie Antoinette married the future King Louis XVI of France. 1868; The first ballot on one of 11 articles of impeachment in the U.S. Senate failed to convict President Andrew Johnson.

1929; The first Academy Awards were given on this night. The term, Oscars, was not used to describe the statuettes given to actors and actresses until 1931. 1946; The Irving Berlin musical, Annie Get Your Gun, opened on Broadway.

1975; Japanese climber Junko Tabei became the first woman to summit Mount Everest. 1991; Queen Elizabeth II became the first British monarch to address the United States Congress.

1997; President Mobutu Sese Seko of Zaire ended 32 years of autocratic rule when rebel forces led by Laurent Kabila expelled him from the country.

Picture Of The Day: An absolutely horrifying picture of what weather officials are referring to as a "firenado". Taken in California, which is currently suffering through massive fires. I guess the only missing is an earthquake occurring at the same time.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) "Oh you have a hard time gaining weight? That's cool. Here, hold this grenade." 2) My suggested movie theater prices: Adults - $9.00, Under 12 - $ 6.00, Under 3 - $249.00  3) My friend didn't pluck his unibrow to look good, he did it because McDonald's sued him for illegal use of the double arches. 4) I just found out those stick figures on the back of cars are not to keep track of how many jaywalkers you've hit, so I removed mine. 5) My friend said his new glasses made everything look much bigger so I bought them from him and gave them to my girlfriend.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 16th: Don't embarrass yourself  this week when the dentist puts that paper bib on you. They will not bring you lobster. You will have a lucky weekend. Remember, serendipity is looking in a haystack for a needle and discovering the farmer's daughter.

Birthdays: William Seward, American statesman 1801, Elizabeth Palmer Peabody, educator, lecturer, and reformer 1804, Henry Fonda, actor 1905, Liberace pianist 1919, Betty Carter, jazz and blues singer 1930, Olga Korbut, gymnast 1955, Wendy Davis, political figure 1963, Tori Spelling, actress 1973.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Old Aunt Cora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation. She said to the doctor. "It's terrible, I haven't moved my bowels in more than a week." The doctor said, "I see. Have you done anything about it?"

Aunt Cora replied, "Yes, I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night." The doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?" Aunt Cora replied, "Of course!  I take a magazine."

A man went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, his wife awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The husband picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. The mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife said, ''What are we going to do?'' The husband said, ''Nothing, the lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.''

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and she would be called woman.

God said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give "love" and compassion whenever needed."

Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?" God said, "An arm and a leg." Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?" The rest is history.....

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"

The woman said, "I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm." The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. He said, "I've never heard of that condition before. Are you taking anything for it?" The woman replied, "Pepper!"

That's it for today, my little rubber duckies. Remember, according to police reports, waking up in your lover's arms is only romantic when they know how you got in their house. Just like Earnest Tubb, I'm gonna "Move It On Over" to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Nick Nolte's Got Nothin' On Me !

I needed a few things from Publix on Sunday and I figured, what the hell, it's 6:30, I'll just slip on enough clothes so I don't get arrested, run in, run out, no problems. I mean, who's going to see me at 6:30 am on a Sunday?

Murphy's Law states that if something can possibly go wrong, it will..... and it did. The morning dawn was creeping into my living room as I hurriedly looked for a T-shirt with the least amount of holes that also matched my pajama pants. I slipped on my bedroom slippers, grabbed a baseball cap and took a quick look in the bathroom mirror. The reflection in the mirror remarkably resembled actor Nick Nolte after his Hollywood arrest.

I thought, "Ah, screw it. How bad can a quick trip be?" Of course, in retrospect, it was definitely a bad idea not to take a little more time and choose something of a little better quality. At least a pair of jeans and a T-shirt with no holes. Surely not as comfortable as what I wore, but a bit more respectable.

I arrived at Publix, got a great parking spot and went into the store. As I grabbed a cart and went between the sliding glass doors, the first person I saw was my old girlfriend. Although I was extremely embarrassed, she and I had been out all night in the past. She knows what I look like in the morning and I consoled myself knowing I also know what she looks like in the morning.

We are still friends and I awkwardly explained the reason behind my choice of garb. She laughed, we exchanged pleasantries and I went into the store to grab the few necessities I wanted and, hopefully, escape with my remaining dignity intact. But it just was not meant to be, forcing me to make a mental note to remember this trip. I had experienced a similar event in the past and one would think one would clearly remember the embarrassment....one would think.

I grabbed three of the six things that I needed and in the next aisle was the remaining three item I needed. Knowing the finish line was on the horizon, I turned into the aisle and there she was.

A woman that I had flirted with and (you'll pardon the word) lusted for thirty years ago. We both knew at the time that the only reason we weren't together was the simple fact that we were both married to other people.

Thirty years ago! And she looked fantastic, dressed sexily to the "nines" and wearing makeup. And I looked like Nick Nolte when he was arrested. She recognized me immediately and came over to kiss and embrace me. Thankfully, I did take the time to put on cologne so, although I looked like a horse's ass, I didn't smell like one.

I apologized for my attire and tried to explain my reasoning. As always, she was very graceful and said she had done the same thing in the past. Knowing this woman as I do, there was no chance she ever went anywhere without dressing. We kissed goodbye and I trudged slowly to the cashier to check out. I say slowly because there was no reason to rush now. I mean, what the hell, who's going to see me at this hour.......?
 

The News As I See It: Some studies conclude that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine will prolong your life. Well, it turns out that's not true. The new study was conducted by the New Haven Institute of Buzz Kill.

TMZ released a surveillance video of Beyoncé’s sister, Solange, hitting and kicking her husband Jay-Z in an elevator. It's embarrassing for Beyoncé, but it's the best-case scenario for when someone tells you, "Hey, a video just leaked online of your husband and your sister going at it."

During his trip to the White House, Uruguay’s president said that more Americans should be bilingual. Then Joe Biden and Obama both said, "Thanks, but I'm happily married."

Thursday is the deadline for Iran to meet a series of measures to delay its nuclear program. Then Iran said, “Do you mean ‘Deadline deadline’ or ‘Sign up for Obamacare deadline?'”

The first openly gay player has been drafted by the NFL. If you saw it on ESPN, Michael Sam celebrated by kissing his boyfriend. This is historic. This is the first time anyone has celebrated being drafted by the St. Louis Rams.

Some NFL players actually criticized Michael Sam for kissing his boyfriend after getting drafted. Apparently NFL players aren't supposed to be in a gay relationship until they're sent to prison.

In Colorado a man was accidentally released from prison 90 years too soon. In a related story, everyone in Colorado is high.

They are reopening the Washington monument. The building has been shut down for the last two years - sort of like the Obama administration.

This Date In History: 1796; Edward Jenner administered the first smallpox vaccine to 8-year-old James Phipps. 1804; The Lewis and Clark expedition set out from St. Louis. 1904; The Olympic Games were held in the United States for the first time, in St. Louis, Missouri.

1948; British rule in Palestine came to an end as The Jewish National Council proclaimed the State of Israel. Within hours, Israel was under attack from Arab forces.

1955; The Warsaw Pact was signed by the Soviet Union and seven other Communist bloc countries. It finally dissolved in 1991. 1973; Skylab, the United States’ first space station, was launched into orbit. 1998; Frank Sinatra died at the age of 82.

Picture Of The Day: Holleman's Karaoke at Sabores Reataurant in Miami Springs with yours truly at the mic.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I think that the "till death do us part" of wedding vows should be reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served. 2) I often wondered what it'd be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my girlfriend and she said you get used to it after a while. 3) Thanks to yesterday's chili, I can definitively tell you that there are 242 tiles in this bathroom stall. 4) My buxom friend sat on her cat.  Long story short, I can now add search and rescue / proctologist and vet to my resume. 5) "Stay out of the heat and stay hydrated." Thank you news-anchor. It's my first summer.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 14th: Today, you will learn that the average male has had 15 sex partners, the average female has had 7 and the average penguin has had one. You will also learn that you're a penguin. The urban term "chillax" is a combination of the slang "chill" and the more traditional word "laxative."

Birthdays: Thomas Gainsborough, painter 1727, Robert Owen, social reformer 1771, Otto Klemperer, conductor 1885, George Lucas, American film director and producer 1944, David Byrne, musician 1952, Cate Blanchett ,actress 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child.

The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby. The 5-year-old said, "Hit him again, He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." The second kid replies, "Whoa! Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn. The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they all dead?" The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. He mumbles from behind the mask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely, "Are - my - test - results - back?"

That's it for today, my little ducklings. Remember, the worst thing a woman can ask a man is "Guess what today is." A trip to AREA 51 sounds like a plan.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !