Happy New Year !

The partying behavior throughout the holiday season seems to center around drinking. This drinking culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you actually kiss the person you're married to.

Actually, the only intelligent way to spend New Year's Eve is either quietly with friends or in a brothel. Otherwise when the evening ends and people pair off, someone is bound to be left in tears.

As we head into the new year, Barry "the anointed one" Obama, in his infinite wisdom, has ended the pay freeze on federal employees, giving workers, ranging from Joe Biden to members of Congress and the Supreme Court, a raise. Obama signed the executive order last Thursday, The Weekly Standard reports.

The country is getting ready to go "off the fiscal cliff" and this idiot gives pay raises? Obviously, the White House elitists don't give a rats ass about the nation or the economy, but he makes sure all the assholes in the white house and congress get a raise.

The News As I See It: In sports, The Chicago bears defeated the Detroit Lions by a score of 26 to 24. In the waning moments of the game, Detroit ran a play where the receiver got open, caught the ball and was running for a touchdown but a Chicago player shot him before he scored. As usual in these types of cases in Detroit and Chicago, there were no witnesses.

Kim Kardashian is pregnant via Kanye West (?). The pregnancy helps solve West's inferiority complex and allows Kardashian to continue in her father's footsteps of getting blacks off.

This Date In History: 1879; Thomas Edison gave the first public demonstration of an electric incandescent lamp. 1938; The first breath test for drivers, "drunkometer," was introduced in Indianapolis.

1946; President Truman officially proclaimed the end of hostilities in World War II. 1961; The Marshall Plan expired after distributing more than $12 billion in foreign aid.

1963; Central African Federation of Rhodesia and Nyasaland was formally dissolved. 1964; The al-Fatah guerrillas of Yasser Arafat launched their first terrorist raid on Israel. 1987; Robert Mugabe sworn in as Zimbabwe's president.

Picture Of The Day: Happy New Year !

"Happy New Year to you, too"

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive. 2) When a newly married man looks happy, we know why and when a ten-year married man looks happy, we still wonder why. 3) Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to.  4) An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the guests leave along with the old year.  5) A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - December 31st: Tantalizing new evidence that you're about to have fun is going to reveal itself today. Early evidence may be the plethora of Happy New Year signs hanging about. The faster you travel today, the more likely you are to be stopped by the police and given a speeding ticket. If asked why you were speeding, do not respond by saying that you wanted to get there before you forgot where you were going.

Birthdays: My pals Herbert, Mercy and Pat - Happy Birthday my friends 19XX, Jacques Cartier, explorer 1491, Charles Cornwallis, general 1738, Henri Matisse, French Artist 1869, Elizabeth Arden, beautician, business executive 1878, George C. Marshal,l general and cabinet member 1880, Simon Wiesenthal, writer, activist 1908, Anthony Hopkins, actor 1937, Ben Kingsley, actor 1943, John Denver, entertainer 1943, Connie Willis, writer 1945.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

A rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.

The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased and says, "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence and has serviced all of my neighbor's cows." The banker says, "Wow! What did the vet do to that bull?"

The farmer said, "I don't really know. He just gave him some pills." The banker asked, "What kind of pills?" The farmer said, "I don't know, but they sort of tasted like peppermint."
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to all my pals who have made contributions throughout the year and help make Jimmy's Journal a fun place to visit.

On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman, who asked, "What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?"

Daniel answered, "I'm on my way to a lecture." The policeman asked sarcastically, "And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?" Daniel slurred grimly, "My wife."

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

She said to the doctor, "The hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?' The woman said, "On my balls, which is something else I want to talk to you about."

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do and the eyesight to tell the difference.

That's it for today, my little revelers. Remember, now is the time to make your annual New Year's resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.

That's it for now. Happy New Year to all. May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Best Wishes For A Happy New Year To My Family And Friends

In the process of outlining my New Years Eve schedule, I've realized that I really don't have a destination. It really doesn't matter because my destinations always seem to change. Like the puppy who rolls over on his back and shows you his belly when you pet him, I'm easily swayed once the evening begins.

Ostensibly, I'll be heading to AREA 51 on New Years Eve, but I my ship has changed course many times in the past and there's no reason to assume it wont happen again.

Although it's been rare, there have been some party nights that I ended up flying to the Bahamas on a whim and as a young man, I woke up in a suite in Caesars Palace in Las Vegas. How I ended up in Vegas is still a little vague, but I was assured by my lady friend that I had a great time.

Of course, I was a little younger then and in those days, my body and mind worked as a team. Nowadays, my mind occasionally has a great idea but my body sometimes refuses to comply. When my mind sends a command to the "get up and go center", it finds many times that the department head has got up and went.

Be that as it may, it is highly suggested to those who rarely drink to pace yourselves, drink slowly and make sure you drink on a full stomach. New Years Eve drinking puts people on the road who rarely drink, so I recommend that everyone drive with care while dodging the amateurs.

My best wishes for a great, safe and prosperous New Year to all my family, friends and readers.

I was saddened to hear about the recent passing of Cheetah, the lovable chimp who starred with Tarzan (Johnny Weissmuller) and Jane (Maureen O'Sullivan) in the Tarzan movies. I grew up watching Tarzan, Jane and Cheetah as a boy and they have a special place in my heart. Cheetah was 80 years old, a long life for a chimp. Rest in peace my little pal.

The News As I See It: Why would anyone who doesn’t drink want to go out on New Year’s Eve? Not only do you pay outrageous prices to be around a bunch of drunks, but the next morning you actually remember it!

One year, we did it Mom and Dad's way on New Year's Eve. We broke open a package of Doritos, flipped on the TV and watched Paul Anka's hair fall out. Hey, it's better than watching Anderson Cooper and that sleazy Cathy Griffin.

I used to love it in the old days. One year, I went to Houston and we bet the rest of the guacamole dip on whether Mickey Gilley would fall off the piano stool.

I set a new record in 2011. I will start the new year as the proud owner of 17 odd socks.

This Date In History: 1853; The United States bought some 45,000 sq mi of land from Mexico in the Gadsden Purchase. 1911; Sun Yat-sen was elected the first president of the Republic of China.

1922; The Union of the Soviet Socialist Republics was established through the confederation of Russia, Byelorussia, Ukraine, and Transcaucasian Federation. 1940; California's first freeway opened.

1972; President Nixon halted the heavy bombing on North Vietnam. 1993; Israel and the Vatican signed an agreement of mutual recognition to put an end to Jewish-Christian hostilities.

Picture Of The Day: New year's resolutions by some of our citizens. As per my ususal, I resolve never to make New Year's resolutions and my record remains unblemished.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The year is almost over and I still haven't broken last year's New Year's resolution...never to go to another New Year's Eve party. Honest, I haven't been to one all year. 2) For many people the highlight of New Year's Eve is watching the ball drop in Times Square. Big deal. I've seen lots of balls drop this year. I watched all of the Miami Dolphins' games. 3) In 2012, prices and taxes will be going up, so on New Year's Eve, enjoy the ball descending in Times Square -- it's the only thing that's going down. 4) The only resolution ever I kept from a New Year's Eve party was never drink tequila too close to a Polynesian fire dancer. 5) For those planning to party hearty on New Year's Eve, remember, the annual wino parade starts promptly at midnight.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - December 30th: It's great to have your birthday fall on a Friday. There's no work the next day and you have more time to recover from partying. Be careful of your desire to pop party balloons. You know how you get once you start. Chances of romance are at 90 percent.

Birthdays: John Milne, seismologist 1850, Rudyard Kipling, British author 1865, Alfred E. Smith, political leader 1873, Paul Bowles, writer and composer 1910 ,Jack Lord, actor 1920, Bo Diddley, singer, guitarist, and songwriter 1928, Sandy Koufax, baseball player 1935, Jeff Lynne, singer and songwriter, and music producer 1947, Tracey Ullman, comedian, actress, singer 1959, Bennett Miller, filmmaker 1966, Tiger Woods, golfer 1975, Eliza Dushku, actor 1980.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. It was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

Murray was in no shape to drive on New Year's Eve, so he sensibly left his car in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman, who inquired, "What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?" Murray answered, "I'm on my way to a lecture." The cop asked, "Who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?" Murray slurred grimly, "My wife."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to all of my family and friends who made contributions to this year's stories. Have a safe and Happy New Year!

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady truck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?" All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat ! When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?" There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes.

The next day, they were riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?" The woman replied, "Down." A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or down ?" She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!" She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were "Hump or Drown."

Rachel was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?" Max, smiling broadly, answered, "You'll know at midnight."

At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Rachel and handed her small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled, "The meaning of dreams." Max never heard the shot...

To My Perfect Martini: Hace tiempo no te veo, mi amor. Tenemos que salir! Feliz Ano Nuevo!

That's it for today my little party animals. Remember, have a great New Year's Eve. Remember to drive carefully, arrive home safely and don't embarrass yourself. In other words, make sure you're sobered up, buckled up and zipped up. More on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Twas The Night After Christmas And.....

I hope that everyone had a Merry Christmas and a happy holiday. Christmas fell perfectly this year arriving on a beautiful Sunday morning here in Miami. As far as I can tell, my family and friends had a great time and hopefully, no one had to go back to the stores for exchanges.

There are, of course, the masochistic many who return to the stores for after Christmas sales, much like the swallows return to Capistrano. I never say anything to them about this particular quirk but we all know there will be New Years sales starting Thursday and so it goes.

There will always be sales my friends and if there's not a particular holiday to trump up, then retailers will invent one. Personally. I'm waiting for Potato Week and the holiday parties and sales that it always brings. Potato Week is only surpassed by Festevus which I hope everyone enjoyed. I know I did.....

The News As I See It: The Pope came out again this Christmas against materialism. He says instead of giving material presents, you should give of yourself. You can really see that the Pope's not married.

To save the economy, on December 30, 2011, Obama and the Congress will order the immigration department to start deporting retired people instead of illegals in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs. We are easier to catch, and will not remember how to get back home! See you on the bus. I wonder where we're going?

My old friend Frank in North Dakota, near the Canadian Border, called me and said that since early this morning the snow has been coming down. It's nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

This Date In History: 1776; George Washington defeated the Hessians at Trenton. 1865; James H. Nason received a patent for a coffee percolator. 1966;
The first Kwanzaa is celebrated. 1972; The 33rd president of the United States, Harry S. Truman, died in Kansas City, Missouri.

1985; Zoologist Dian Fossey was found murdered in Rwanda. 1996; JonBenet Ramsey was found murdered in her Boulder, Colorado, home. 2004; In the Indian Ocean, a 9.0 magnitude earthquake, the largest in 40 years, triggered a tsunami that ultimately killed more than 280,000.

Picture Of The Day: The remnants of the hectic holidays.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) For Christmas, I got a new shirt and a piece of ass...both were too big. 2) I also got a sweater. It was nice, but I really wanted a screamer or a moaner. 3) I started a neighborhood watch in my neighborhood and it was going well until she closed her curtains. 4) God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question. 5) Sarchasm is the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - December 26th: Today's a great day to lay back and relax. Don't be fooled by the day after Christmas sales. There'll be a New Years sale soon and so it continues. Chances of romance are low mostly due to your physical and mental state caused by holiday stress. Have a few evening drinks and relax. Tomorrow's another day.

Birthdays: My lady pals Jennifer, Mary and Yvette were on born on this day. Happy Birthday girls 19XX, Frederick II, Holy Roman emperor 1194, Thomas Gray, poet 1716, Charles Babbage, mathematician 1791, George Dewey, admiral 1837, Mao Zedong, Founder of People's Republic of China 1893, Steve Allen, comedian, actor, author 1921, Carlton Fisk, baseball player 1947, Jared Leto, actor 1971.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An older couple, both poets, were discussing the character of men and women. She said, "Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with."

He retorted, "Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."

Sophie was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Murray, when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Murray, "Hurry! grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home early!" Murray looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there." Sophie cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!"

So, Murray grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm. One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?" Murray answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."

Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?" Murray answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home." Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" Murray answered, "Only if it's raining."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Dutch and Wally for their contributions to today's stories. Got any funny stories or jokes? Send 'em to me at jimsulliv3@aol.com

There were two ministers, Johnson and Green, who met each Sunday morning riding to their particular church. They both enjoyed riding the bikes and talking. Then one Sunday, Minister Johnson arrived walking. Minister Green asked, "My what happened to your bike?" Minister Johnson said, "Can you believe that someone in my congregation stole it?"

Mister Green said, "My lord!" Then an idea struck him, "You want to know how to get your bike back?" Minister Johnson replied, "Yeah." Minister Green said, "Next Sunday give a fire and brimstone sermon on the Ten Commandments and when you get to the part about 'Thou shall not steal', just look out into the congregation and see who looks guilty."

The next Sunday Minister Johnson comes riding up on his bike. Minister Green says, "Hey I see my suggestion worked." Minister Johnson said, "Well sort of. I was going along real good on the Ten Commandments and when I got to the part about Adultery, I remembered where I left my bike."

Miss Annabell had just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern belle friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound.

Miss Annabell said, "You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City. They have men there who kiss other men on the lips." Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my!" Miss Annabell said, "They call them homosexuals." The young girls fan themselves and say "Oh my! Oh my!"

Miss Annabell continued, "They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!" The girls asked, "What do they call them?" Miss Annabell said, "They call them lesbians."

Miss Annabell said, "They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City." The young girls squealed, "Oh My! Oh My!," as they sat on the edge of their chairs and fanned themselves even faster. "What do they call them?" they asked in unison.

Miss Annabell leans forward and said in a hush, "Why, when I caught my breath, I called him Precious."

A friend of mind who was temporarily incapacitated once asked, "I need you to be my eyes and ears." I told him, "Ok, if you can be my liver and prostate."

That's it for today my little tadpoles. Remember, give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Happy New Year !

Tonight is New Year's Eve or as I like to call it, amateur night. People who do not drink all year will have a sip of the spirits tonight and that spells danger (Will Robinson). You can usually tell the roads the normally non-drinkers take by counting the number of downed mail boxes and stop signs.

Over the years, one of the things I have learned is that if you're going out, try to stay close to home. The shorter the path to safety the less chance you'll encounter problems. For the non-drinkers who will drink tonight, eat first and pace yourself! You'll handle the liquor much easier by drinking slowly on a full stomach.

Once you start feeling the alcohol, make sure you call all of your family and friends to wish them a Happy New Year. Then, you can throw up, lose your cell phone and pass out in the front yard.

Happy New Year to all my family, friends and readers and have a safe New Year. New Year's Day advice for my normally non-drinking, hungover friends....eat, drink lots of water and take two aspirins. For my drinking buddies.....hair of the dog.

The News As I See It: The general manager of La Guardia Airport in New York said that with all the cancellations and delays, it'll be two to three days before the airlines are at a regular schedule, and the TSA gets back to handling 7,000 testicles per hour at the passenger screening booths.

Brazil will name a huge oil field after President Da Silva. In related news, a huge wind farm in the USA will be named after Vice President Joe O'Biden.

It has been reported that Snooki from "Jersey Shore" will not be dropping from a ball at midnight in Times Square. Most likely it'll be like every other night with balls dropping on her.

Vivid Entertainment's Steve Hirsch says he'll foot the bill for the Octomom's $450,000 house to avoid her being evicted. He says he's not pressuring her to do porn but recently offered her $1 million to star in an adult video. I think she was crazy to turn it down. That's like a thousand dollars a stretch mark.

This Date In History: 1879; Thomas Edison gave the first public demonstration of an electric incandescent lamp. 1938; The first breath test for drivers, "drunkometer," was introduced in Indianapolis. 1946; President Truman officially proclaimed the end of hostilities in World War II.

1961; The Marshall Plan expired after distributing more than $12 billion in foreign aid. 1963; Central African Federation of Rhodesia and Nyasaland was formally dissolved. 1964; The al-Fatah guerrillas of Yasser Arafat launched their first terrorist raid on Israel. 1987; Robert Mugabe sworn in as Zimbabwe's president.

Picture Of The Day: Happy New Year, of course !

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Today is the accepted time to make your annual New Year's resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual. 2) The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you actually kiss the person you're married to. 3) Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to. 4) 2011 will be the year I finally stop drunk dialing and start drunk tweeting. 5) On New Year's Day, thieves robbed and bound a man with masking tape. He was able to chew through the tape after two hours of trying. His inspiration came from his wife's pot roast.......and that's five !

Birthdays: My pal Mercy, Happy Birthday Baby! 19XX, Jacques Cartier, explorer 1491, Charles Cornwallis, general 1738, Henri Matisse, French artist 1869, Elizabeth Arden, beautician, business executive 1878, George C. Marshall, general and cabinet member 1880, Simon Wiesenthal, writer, activist 1908, Anthony Hopkins, actor 1937, Ben Kingsley, actor 1943, John Denver, singer and songwriter 1943.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A blonde dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, "Welcome! Because we are currently operating at 99% capacity, we can only let a limited number of souls into heaven. Therefore, you must answer my questions correctly to gain entrance." The blonde agrees.

St. Peter says, "Here's your question: Name two days of the week that begin with the letter T." The blonde says, "Today and tomorrow!" St. Peter says, "Well, that's not the answer I was thinking of, but I'll give you another question. How many seconds are there in a year?" The blonde says, "That's easy. Twelve!" St. Peter says, "Twelve?" The blonde says, "Yeah! January second, February second, March second---"

St. Peter says, "Okay, okay. I can see you misunderstood this question as well. Okay, one more chance. What's God's name?" The blonde says, "That's easy. Howard!" St. Peter says, "Howard??" The blonde says, "You know, 'Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...'"

A Blonde Texas city girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to his new wife, "The artificial-insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?" So the rancher leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial-insemination man arrives and says, "I'm here to breed the cow." She takes him down the barn and they walk along a long row of cows. When she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one.....right here." Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?" The blonde says, "That's simple. By the nail over its stall." Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?" She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Sophie was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Murray, when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Murray, "Hurry! grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home early!" Murray looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there." Sophie cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!"

So, Murray grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm. One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?" Murray answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."

Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?" Murray answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home." Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" Murray answered, "Only if it's raining."

Two elderly women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done, when in walked a young chick with a low-cut blouse that revealed a beautiful rose tattooed on one boob. One woman leaned over to the other and said, "Poor thing. She doesn't know it, but in 50 years she'll have a long-stemmed rose in a hanging basket."

Two salesmen were writing up their orders when the conversation came around to last night's big date. Charlie asks, "So, how'd it go, Harry?" Harry said, "The moment we got back to her place the phone started ringing. There must have been fifteen calls from guys wanting to ask her out. It never stopped, and we never got started."

Charlie tried to comfort him. "It could have been worse, Harry. After all, an attractive young woman's allowed to have her number in the phone book, now isn't she?" Harry said, "Yeah, but not in the Yellow Pages."

That's it for today my little sparklers. Remember, you are not alone. Everybody's family is crazy. Have a safe and Happy New Year and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

New Year's Resolutions

Happy New Year my little hazel nuts and welcome to the year 2010 or as the Chinese zodiac calls it, The Year Of The Tiger. I'm not much into astrology but I'll bet my bottom dollar that there's one certain "Tiger" who hopes that this is his year.

New Year's resolutions are being made all over America today and many have probably already been broken. Most New Year's resolutions are a bigger joke than Tiger Wood's wedding vows but inevitably we all seem to make resolutions we can't keep. The trick is to make resolutions that you can keep. I always resolve not to drink any more. At the same time, I also resolve not to drink any less.

A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other yet they idea remains popular. I think most resolutions are made on New Year's Eve and are often fueled by liquor. Making a resolution that you will assure your lawyer that you will never again show up drunk at a custody hearing is really not a good idea.

Many people resolve to spend less than two hours a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since most people are not clock watchers. What these people should actually resolve to do is not replying with "LOL" when they receive an email joke from a friend.

I have made a few resolutions for 2010 and in no particular order, they are: 1) I will try to figure out why I really need five e-mail addresses. 2) I will read the manual....just as soon as I can find it. 3) I will not ring the stewardess button on airplanes just to get her phone number. 4) I will spend less time listening to Johnnie Walker Black except when I accidentally overhear what he has in mind. 5) I will no longer bite off more than I can chew with the exception of wine, women and song.

My pal, Ally, author of Life With Ally is currently in the hospital due to a lung infection. I have been in contact with her daughter Lyn and she told me that she hopes that Ally will be out of the hospital soon. You can send get well wishes to Ally by clicking following link: http://wwwlifewithally.blogspot.com/

The News As I See It: If you had bought $1000 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49. With Enron, you would have $16 left of the original $1,000 With Worldcom, you would have less than $5 left. If you had bought $1,000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10-cent deposit, you would have $214.

Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This is my new retirement program, I call it my 401-Keg program.

This Date In History: 1863; Abraham Lincoln issued the Emancipation Proclamation. 1908; The ball signifying the New Year was dropped for the first time at Times Square in New York City. 1914; The world's first airline, St. Petersburg Tampa Airboat Line, starts operation in St. Petersburg, Florida.

1959; Fidel Castro and his revolutionaries took over Cuba and toppled Fulgencio Batista's regime. 1975; John Mitchell, H. R. Haldeman, and John Ehrlichman were convicted of obstruction of justice in the Watergate affair. 1993; Czechoslovakia peacefully split into the Czech Republic and Slovakia.

1994; The North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA) went into effect. 2002; Euro coins and notes went into circulation in twelve European nations.

Picture Of The Day: The Year Of The Tiger according to the Chinese. Of course, we have our own "Year Of The Tiger" but it was in 2009. In my mind, if you want to see nobility and grace, you need only to look at the character and determination of my hero of the year, Captain Sully Sullenburger.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population. 2) Old men should never be given a prescription for Viagra unless they have at least three notes from women who would do them. 3) When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. 4) You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. For example, being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. That's stuff you pay good money for in later life. 5) Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Paul Revere, American patriot 1735, Anthony Wayne, general 1745, Betsy Ross, seamstress 1752, Pierre de Coubertin, father of the modern Olympic Games 1863, J. Edgar Hoover, director of FBI 1895, J. D. Salinger, writer 1919.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Two old hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

Down in Louisiana, Boudreaux's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. So he brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy and the doctor looked over at Boudreaux and said, "Hey, Boudreaux! You just had yourself a son! Ain't that grand!"

Boudreaux got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Boudreaux! You got yourself a daughter! Shes a pretty little thing, too."

Boudreaux got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Boudreaux, you just had yourself another boy!"

When Boudreaux and his wife went home with their 3 children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember that night when we run out of Vaseline and we had to use that there three-in-one Oil?" His wife said, "Yeah, I do!" Boudreaux said, "Man, it's a damn good thing we didn't use no WD-Forty."

In Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding. Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge and into the wind he goes! Meanwhile, Ma and Pa Hicks were sitting on the porch swing talking about the good ol days when Ma spots the biggest bird she ever seen!

Ma says, "Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" Paw raises up and says," Git my gun, Ma." She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim and fires three shots at the bird. The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.

Ma says, "I think ya missed him, Pa." Pa says, "Yeah, but at least he let go of Bubba!"

Mary Sue had a heart attack and passed out. Not knowing what to do, Bubba called 911 and the operator told Billy Bob that she would send someone out right away. The operator asked, "Where do you live?" Billy Bob replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Billy Bob said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

That's it for today my little cheese doodles. Remember, whenever you feel blue, start breathing again. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !