Happy New Year !

The partying behavior throughout the holiday season seems to center around drinking. This drinking culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you actually kiss the person you're married to.

Actually, the only intelligent way to spend New Year's Eve is either quietly with friends or in a brothel. Otherwise when the evening ends and people pair off, someone is bound to be left in tears.

As we head into the new year, Barry "the anointed one" Obama, in his infinite wisdom, has ended the pay freeze on federal employees, giving workers, ranging from Joe Biden to members of Congress and the Supreme Court, a raise. Obama signed the executive order last Thursday, The Weekly Standard reports.

The country is getting ready to go "off the fiscal cliff" and this idiot gives pay raises? Obviously, the White House elitists don't give a rats ass about the nation or the economy, but he makes sure all the assholes in the white house and congress get a raise.

The News As I See It: In sports, The Chicago bears defeated the Detroit Lions by a score of 26 to 24. In the waning moments of the game, Detroit ran a play where the receiver got open, caught the ball and was running for a touchdown but a Chicago player shot him before he scored. As usual in these types of cases in Detroit and Chicago, there were no witnesses.

Kim Kardashian is pregnant via Kanye West (?). The pregnancy helps solve West's inferiority complex and allows Kardashian to continue in her father's footsteps of getting blacks off.

This Date In History: 1879; Thomas Edison gave the first public demonstration of an electric incandescent lamp. 1938; The first breath test for drivers, "drunkometer," was introduced in Indianapolis.

1946; President Truman officially proclaimed the end of hostilities in World War II. 1961; The Marshall Plan expired after distributing more than $12 billion in foreign aid.

1963; Central African Federation of Rhodesia and Nyasaland was formally dissolved. 1964; The al-Fatah guerrillas of Yasser Arafat launched their first terrorist raid on Israel. 1987; Robert Mugabe sworn in as Zimbabwe's president.

Picture Of The Day: Happy New Year !

"Happy New Year to you, too"

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive. 2) When a newly married man looks happy, we know why and when a ten-year married man looks happy, we still wonder why. 3) Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to.  4) An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the guests leave along with the old year.  5) A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - December 31st: Tantalizing new evidence that you're about to have fun is going to reveal itself today. Early evidence may be the plethora of Happy New Year signs hanging about. The faster you travel today, the more likely you are to be stopped by the police and given a speeding ticket. If asked why you were speeding, do not respond by saying that you wanted to get there before you forgot where you were going.

Birthdays: My pals Herbert, Mercy and Pat - Happy Birthday my friends 19XX, Jacques Cartier, explorer 1491, Charles Cornwallis, general 1738, Henri Matisse, French Artist 1869, Elizabeth Arden, beautician, business executive 1878, George C. Marshal,l general and cabinet member 1880, Simon Wiesenthal, writer, activist 1908, Anthony Hopkins, actor 1937, Ben Kingsley, actor 1943, John Denver, entertainer 1943, Connie Willis, writer 1945.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

A rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.

The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased and says, "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence and has serviced all of my neighbor's cows." The banker says, "Wow! What did the vet do to that bull?"

The farmer said, "I don't really know. He just gave him some pills." The banker asked, "What kind of pills?" The farmer said, "I don't know, but they sort of tasted like peppermint."
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to all my pals who have made contributions throughout the year and help make Jimmy's Journal a fun place to visit.

On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman, who asked, "What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?"

Daniel answered, "I'm on my way to a lecture." The policeman asked sarcastically, "And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?" Daniel slurred grimly, "My wife."

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

She said to the doctor, "The hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?' The woman said, "On my balls, which is something else I want to talk to you about."

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do and the eyesight to tell the difference.

That's it for today, my little revelers. Remember, now is the time to make your annual New Year's resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.

That's it for now. Happy New Year to all. May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Preparing For New Year's Eve Parties

Preparations are beginning for New Years Eve parties and I'm trying to figure a way to attend them without any incidents so drinking and driving is out of the question. Last year, I was out with a few friends and after several scotches, I knew I was wasted. So, I did something I've never done before.

Believe it or not, I took a bus home. Yep, a bus. I arrived home safely and without incident. I was kind of surprised since I've never driven a bus before. What made matters worse was all that stopping and starting for passengers. None of them had the correct change.

A few of them were pissed because they had to spend the night at my house but they got over it when I explained that the last New Year's Eve party, I took a plane home and I don't even have a pilot's license. What made matters worse was I was headed to New York but I confused La Guardia with Guadalajara. I bought serapes for everyone so it turned out okay. 

The News As I See It: Eric Boswell, Charlene Lamb and Raymond Maxwell, Barry Obama's fall guys for the Benghazi massacre and subsequent pre-election cover-up, are still on the payroll after being relieved of, or resigning from, their state department posts in the Benghazi tragedy. In the interim, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton evidently is still suffering from the "Benghazi Flu" and has not been heard from.

The State of Kentucky has terminated confederate pensions effective this year. When questioned about this move, 154-year-old Confederate veteran Elijah Johnson lamented that this would severely restrict and harm his standard of living.
 

This Date In History: 1065; Westminster Abbey consecrated. 1832; John C. Calhoun became the first vice president in U.S. history to resign from office. 1846; Iowa became the 29th state in the United States.

1869; William F. Semple patented chewing gum. 1895; The Lumiere Brothers gave the first commercial movie show at the Grand Cafe in Paris. 1937; Composer Maurice Ravel died in Paris at age 62.

1945; Congress officially recognized the Pledge of Allegiance. 1981; Elizabeth Jordan Carr, the first American test-tube baby, was born in Norfolk, Virginia.

Picture Of The Day: Remember.....

Every breath you take, every move you make, every step you take, I'll be watching you

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'm usually one of the first to jump to confusion. 2) Women forgive and forget but always make sure you don’t forget that they forgave and forgot. 3) If I had a nickname, I would like the name "Lefty". It wouldn't make much sense since I'm right-handed, but I've never heard of anyone nicknamed "Righty." 4) The term "politically correct" is a useless theorem that allows the rights of a few to trample the rights of many. It should only be used when describing ugly babies and ugly people. 5) They say you should test your fire alarm once a month. I try but it's costing me a fortune in houses.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - December 28th: Don't trust little birdies, they're renowned liars. Love will no longer be just another four-letter-word to you today as you will start to understand why birds suddenly appear every time someone you care for comes near. That notwithstanding, buzzards are not an integral part of the picture.

Birthdays: Eliza Lucas Pinckney, horticulturist 1722, Woodrow Wilson, 28th President of the United States 1856, Earl "Fatha" Hines, jazz pianist 1903, Stan Lee, writer, editor 1922, Simon Raven, writer 1927, Manuel Puig, novelist 1932, Dame Maggie Smith, actress 1934, Denzel Washington, actor 1954, Ray Bourque, hockey player 1960, Linus Torvalds, computer scientist 1969, John Legend, singer, songwriter, pianist 1978.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married fifty years and there's something I have to know. In all of these fifty years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these fifty years, but always for a good reason." Henry asked, "Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reason'?"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?" Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home. But, what about the second time?"

Martha said, "Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge." Henry said, "I recall that and you did it to save my life so, of course, I can forgive you for that. Now, tell me about the third time."

Martha said, "Alright. Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club and you needed 73 more votes?"

A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a woman with a particularly large diamond ring. As he admired the ring, the bartender came over and said, "That woman is wearing the Glopman diamond. It's beautiful, but it comes with a curse." The man asked, "What's the curse?" The bartender replied, "Mrs. Glopman."
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: From the forlorn love files of Abigail Van Buren, author of Dear Abby.

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. It's the usual signs. The phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up.

My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the street.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just don't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my boat next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my boat, that I noticed that the lower unit seemed to be leaking a little oil. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Worried Sick in Indiana

Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of the drunks says, "I sure wish I could do that!" The other drunk looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first."

Some of the most beautiful women in the world use Preparation H on their face which reduces the appearance of bags and wrinkles and works quite well. I tried it under my eyes once and it really does work. I quit using it though because it made me feel like an asshole.

That's it for today, my little wild flowers. Remember, a chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour. That's it for now.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !