The Dreaded Facebook "Timeline" Change-Over Draws Near

Facebook is changing over to the new Timeline pages soon and every time I go to some one's page who is now using it, my computer goes apeshit. I'm really unsure as to why Facebook even likes this idea, but then again, I don't know why the American public elected two losers like Bush and Obama. I'm beginning to believe it's the "American Idol" and "Dancing with the Stars" effect.

Be that as it may, change constantly occurs and far be it from me to question that fact. I do think that technology is too much, too fast. Apple iPad users who purchased a new iPad in December now find their new product is no longer top of the line. That's called built-in obsolescence, the same theory behind the manufacturing of "new" cars.

For those of you on Facebook who may or may not have had a problem finding a suitable photo for the Timeline motif, I did happen to find a site where you can obtain ideas and free photos to put in the awful blank gap at the top of the page. Some of today's pictures are from the site. Here is the link: http://www.facebooktimelinebanners.com/

Meanwhile back in the school room, students can't read, write or speak correctly but they all know how to text. I assure you most of them have already changed to Timeline without problems. Maybe change should be dosed in spoonfuls instead of cramming it down one's throat and more time spent on teaching people the "art" of reading and writing. Then again, the job market always need more fast food workers.....

While at the funeral of her own mother, a woman met a man who she did not know. She thought he was "amazing". She believed him to be her dream partner so much that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.

Question: What was her motive for killing her sister?
Answer: She was hoping the guy would appear again at her sister's funeral. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test developed by a famous American psychologist, used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly.

If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you. If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my e-mail list.

The News As I See It: Did you see the story about the mother duck and her ducklings helped through a a fence at the White House property? The Secret Service pushed the little ducks through the fence. Of course, the Secret Service checked to make sure the ducks had donated enough money to Obama's re-election campaign.

A new experimental cholesterol-fighting drug is now creating a huge buzz among researchers. They say this drug could be life changing. Well, not a moment too soon, huh? I mean, for a minute there, a lot of Americans thought they might have to start eating healthy.

Southwest Airlines just unveiled a new plane that can hold 175 passengers. Or as Southwest thinks of it, "a new plane that can hold 375 passengers.

At the White House last week, Obama and Michelle hosted a Saint Patrick's Day reception for the Irish prime minister. The prime minister made Obama an honorary Irishman. As a result, Obama awoke the next morning with a hangover and a job at the police department. They had a bartender pouring green beer, which is about as close as the White House has come to creating green jobs so far.

One of the things I like about former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich is that If you want to be governor of Illinois, of course you have to run. Then you have to get elected and then you have to go to federal prison. It's just part of their tradition.

This Date In History: 1827; Composer Ludwig van Beethoven died at age 56 in Vienna, Austria. 1945; The battle of Iwo Jima ended; about 22,000 Japanese troops were killed or captured in the fighting and more than 4,500 U.S. troops were killed. 1971; East Pakistan proclaimed its independence, taking the name Bangladesh.

1979; In a ceremony at the White House, President Sadat of Egypt and Prime Minister Begin of Israel signed a peace treaty ending 30 years of war between the two countries. 1982; Groundbreaking ceremonies for the Vietnam Veterans Memorial took place in Washington, DC. 2000; Vladimir Putin was elected president of Russia.

Picture Of The Day: ".....if I only had a heart!"

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I always take life with a grain of salt,....plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila. 2) A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer. 3) Whoever coined the phrase, "Quiet as a mouse", has never stepped on one. 4) Crowded elevators smell different to midgets. 5) When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for 5 minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - March 26th: Don't go shopping today because your credit card is maxed out and you'll only embarrass yourself. You can, however, stop by the thrift store because they only take cash and you can afford the new dress that you will find. Chance of romance is 22.38 percent and that number will go up if you don't wear that Goodwill dress you bought listening to me.

Birthdays: Edward Bellamy, author 1850, A. E. Housman, poet and scholar 1859, Robert Frost, American poet 1874, James Bryant Conant, educator 1893, Tennessee Williams, dramatist 1911, Sandra Day O'Connor, jurist 1930, Alan Arkin, actor, director 1934, Diana Ross, singer 1944, Steven Tyler, musician 1948, Martin Short, actor, producer 1950.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: One evening a husband, thinking it would be being funny, said to his wife, "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your ass." His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the Hell is this?” he said to himself as a small dust cloud appeared when he shook them out. He hollered into the bathroom, "Madge, why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?" She replied with a snicker, "It’s not talcum powder honey, it’s Miracle Grow!"

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when 3 black guys arrive. St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, "Wait here. I will be right back." St. Peter goes over to God's office and chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance.

God says to Peter, "How many times do I have to tell you, you can't be racist and judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!" St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh.

He returns to God's chambers and says, "Well, they're gone." God asks, "Who, the black guys?" St. Peter replied, "No, the Pearly Gates."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother KIrt for his contribution to today's stories.

The man confessed, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month." The priest told the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional and said, "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months." This time, the priest questioned, "Who is this Nookie Green?'' The sinner said, "A new woman in the neighborhood." The priest sighed, "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous red headed woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to reveal that she wasn't wearing any underwear. The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, "Is that Nookie Green?" The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, "No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes."

A drunk in a bar throws up all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in. He says, "Damn, I threw up on my shirt again. If my wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me." The bartender says, "Don't worry. Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you twenty dollars to cover the cleaning bill."

So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who threw up on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. His wife says, "Why are there two twenties?" The drunk replies, "Oh, yeah, he shit my pants, too."

That's it for today, my little lemon drops. Remember, some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

F A C E B O O K

Facebook has two new fads. No, not Farmville, Mafia Wars and the other goofy games. Nope this one's called "You know you grew up (are from, lived in, etc) in ____ if you ____ (add your city, recollection, quip. etc.). It was cute, at first. Then again, so was "Jake" from "Two and a Half Men" before he became a teenager.

Imagine every friend you have and then imagine each friend coming up with fifty thoughts and you see the emerging clouds. When it's my city or a neighboring area I'm familiar with, I read the entry. The problem is I don't know anything about Bodunk, Arkansas or Bumphuk, Indiana and therein lies the rub.

The other new fad is Cuban (substitute French, Irish, etc) word of the day. Again, if it's a background, nationality or ethnic word I'm familiar with, I read it and usually laugh. The problem, again, is to imagine 50 words from each friend. The cool thing is that you can hide these types of posts and reduce the number of daily entries that you read. The problem is that I'm a "chismoso" (Cuban slang for gossip) and I don't like to miss anything.....

The News As I See It: S&P (Standard and Poor's) downgraded the United States from AAA to AA+ and it gets worse. Today, Italy, England, and Greece un-friended us on Facebook.

China has warned the United States that its days of squandering borrowed money are over. Maybe we shouldn’t tell the Chinese that we spent $76 million to see the "Smurfs" movie. We owe China more than a trillion dollars. Why don’t we just give them California?

America’s credit rating took a real hit when the U.S. lost its AAA status. Joe O'Biden immediately asked, "What happens if I get a flat tire and need roadside assistance?"

About 45,000 Verizon employees are on strike after failing to reach a new contract. Things are so bad that the S&P downgraded them from "Verizon" to "Metro PCS".

This Date In History: 1821; Missouri became the 24th state in the United States. 1846 The Smithsonian Institution was established in Washington, D.C., from funds left by British scientist James Smithson. 1921; Franklin D. Roosevelt was stricken with polio at his summer home on Campobello island.

1944; U.S. forces seized Guam from Japan. 1948; Candid Camera with Allen Funt debuted on television. 1988; President Reagan signed a bill that awarded $20,000 to each survivor of the Japanese-American internment.

Picture Of The Day: Facebook....the place to socialize and have fun. Whatever happened to a day at the beach?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The tanking U.S. economy is making Obama more tense than Jesse Jackson on Father's Day. 2) Two rights do not make a wrong, they make an airplane. 3) The ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter equals Eskimo Pi 4) Reality shows give me an indication of what my life would be like if it were run by writers not smart enough to make movies. 5) The American Heart and Lung Association surveyed doctors and found that 9 out of 10 doctors who tried Camels went back to women.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Leo - August 10th: It's hump day and I know you're looking forward to happy hour. Charge your cell phone because you'll be receiving quite a few calls tonight. Most of them will be wrong numbers but the people at the bar will think you're popular. Cologne and a nice clothes are recommended. Oh yeah, feed the animals......

Birthdays: My pal Larry - Happy Birthday Buddy 19XX, Herbert Hoover 31st President of the United States 1874, Norma Shearer, actress 1900, Jorge Amado, author 1912, Rosanna Arquette, actress 1959, Antonio Banderas, actor 1960.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree. As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!" She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment.

A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie, but it's nice ta see you won first prize!"

Two elderly gentlemen were sitting on a park bench on North Avenue. After a while, one said, "By the way, George, how's your wife?" George said, "I think she's dead." His friend asked, "What do you mean, you think she dead?" George said, "Well, the sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A pregnant woman is involved in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! A boy and a girl. Your Uncle from Brooklyn came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my Uncle, he's an idiot!" She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" The doctor replies, "Denise." The woman says, "Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?" The doctor says, "Denephew."

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry he sat down and looked over the menu. Broiled Missionary: $10.00 Fried Explorer: $15.00 Baked Politician: $100.00. The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politician?" The cook replied "Have you ever tried to clean one of them?"

President Obama wakes up one morning, looks out of the White House window and sees "The President Sucks" written in the snow in urine. Furious, he calls in the FBI and demands the perpetrators be found. Later that day the FBI agents return. The first agent says, "Well sir, the urine has been analysed and it's the Vice President's". Obama goes purple with rage and shouts, "Is that all?" The agent says, "Well, no sir, it's the First Lady's handwriting."

That's it for today my little tootsie rolls. Remember, the best way to combat criminals is by not voting for them. It's hump day and a great reason to go have a scotch in AREA 51. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Facebook Can Be Addictive But It's A Good Alternative To "American Idol" and "Jersey Shore"

Facebook is a fascinating site for many reasons, but for me, the ability to look up old friends from the past is invaluable. Despite some of the minor disadvantages like exposure to cyber theft and the occasional friend request from people with no vowels in their names, it is a pleasing experience.

Of course, there's always someone who posts every two minutes with the thought that their friends would be interested in knowing what they had for lunch a half hour ago or the estimated time until their next bowel movement. This is probably a good indication that they are spending way too much time on Facebook.

I'm not much into the games that are constantly touted, mainly because I'm already semi-addicted to Club Pogo. That fact, in and of itself, is time consuming. I fear that if I were to get involved with the Facebook games, I'd have to install a toilet next to my computer.

Facebook is a way for family and friends to keep in touch and I often read or see pictures of what people are doing, their family pictures and all the general nonsense that goes on in everyday life. The occasional rants and raves notwithstanding, I fine the site to be very interesting and I look forward each day to new posts.

Nascar Stock Car Racing is in Las Vegas this weekend with the Nationwide series race on Saturday afternoon at 4:30 pm (EST) on ESPN2. The Sprint Cup Series will race on Sunday afternoon beginning at 3:00 pm (EST) and will be televised on FOX.

Points leader Kevin Harvick will seek to maintain his current lead for the championship. Hopefully Sunday's race will have closer competition than the California race last Sunday. I'll be curious to see if the racing gods (and Nascar) will again give Jimmie Johnson another lucky break or if he will have to race on his own.

The News As I See It: President Obozo hosted a bipartisan healthcare summit yesterday. They met for a little more than six hours which, coincidentally, happens to be the average wait time at the emergency room, if you’re bleeding. Obozo and several others made the point that Congress uses taxpayer money to buy themselves excellent health insurance. It actually led to a plan to make everyone in the country a member of Congress, so congratulations, representatives.

About a third of the members of Congress are on Twitter, which is probably why nothing is getting done. Speaking of Twitter, there’s a new member, the Dalai Lama. Today, he got to find out what Tila Tequila had for breakfast. The Dalai Lama probably joined Twitter just to make China mad. Everything he does annoys China, it’s like he’s Ellen DeGeneres and China is Simon Cowell.

The president of Toyota, Akio Toyoda, came in from Japan to testify in front of Congress. It was kind of weird to see a car company C.E.O. appear before Congress and not ask for $10 billion. Congress stated that the company knew about the problems with the brakes years ago and were wondering why did they drag their feet? My guess is that they were trying to stop the car.

Dick Cheney, has been released from the hospital and doctors say he’ll be up and shooting lawyers in the face in no time. Doctors have given him strict instructions not to watch "Keeping Up With the Kardashians" any more. The East Coast got lambasted with up to 30 inches of snow in the last couple of days. I’m pretty sure that's God's punishment for watching "Jersey Shore."

And finally: The International Olympic Committee announced that it has taken back the gold medal previously awarded to American skier Lindsey Vonn and given it to U.S. President Barack Obama. Olympic officials said Obama deserved the medal more than Vonn because no one has ever gone downhill faster than he has.

This Date In History: 1815; Napoleon Bonaparte escaped from exile on the island of Elba. 1870; A 312-ft long pneumatic subway was opened in New York City; funding for a larger version never materialized. 1901; Leaders of the Boxer Uprising in China, Chi-hsui and Hsu Cheng-yu, were beheaded.

1919; Grand Canyon National Park was established. 1935; RADAR (Radio Detection and Ranging) was first demonstrated by Robert Watson-Watt. 1993; A bomb exploded at the World Trade Center in New York. The blast killed six people and injured more than 1,000.

Picture Of The Day: I like the picture of the computer and toilet combination, but if one is going to go that far, there should also be a refrigerator nearby. Today's pictures are a bit weird, but then, again, so am I.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Oh, give me a home, where the buffalo roam and I'll show you a house full of shit. 2) My friend told he he was going to a wild, sexy costume party next week and I asked him what costume he would wear. He told me that he's going as Abe Lincoln because his last four scores were seven years ago. 3) If a thief was being given a lie detector test and he lied, would his pants catch on fire? 4) My friend asked me that if he was going to make a parachute jump, how high should he be? I told him three days of steady drinking should do it. 5) The advantages of mother's milk are: a) It is a perfect formula for the child. b) It provides immunity against several diseases. c) It is always available as needed. d) It is always at the right temperature e) It is inexpensive. f) It bonds the child to the mother, and vice versa. g) It comes in cute containers.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Victor Hugo, writer 1802, Buffalo Bill Cody, American Plainsman 1846, Levi Strauss, entrepreneur, inventor 1829, John Harvey Kellogg, surgeon, advocate of dietary reform 1852, Johnny Cash, singer 1932, Jenny Thompson, swimmer 1973.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: The psychology teacher was lecturing his students on emotional extremes. The teacher said, "Just to establish some parameters, Robert, what is the opposite of joy?" Robert said, "Sadness?" The teacher said, "That's correct, Robert."

The teacher turned to Mike and asked, "And the opposite of depression, Michael?" Michael answered, "Elation." The teacher said, "That's right." The teacher then looked to the rear of the class where Bubba seemed to be dozing off, "And you sir, how about the opposite of woe?" Bubba replied, "I believe that would be giddyup."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt and my pal Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous Louisville horse race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the fourth grade." He replied. "No, ma'am, I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race today."

The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member).

A wise student pipes up, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?" The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with, "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, a police spokesperson said he believed the man is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

When asked to comment on the arrest, former President George "Dubya" Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

That's it for today my little glow worms. Remember, even a woodpecker owes his success to the fact that he uses his head. T.G.I.F. - I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour and a little rest and recreation. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !