It's National Aviation Day and members of the "Mile High Club" will be celebrating. I've always had a fear of flying, so I go the the Sheraton in Denver and rent a sweet (Denver is 5280 feet above sea level for the hard of understanding ((5,280 feet = one mile for the hopelessly hard of understanding))).
The holiday was established in 1939, by a presidential proclamation. The date of August 19 was chosen as it is the birthday of Orville Wright. Orville was the founder of the "150 Feet High Club" but it never caught on, especially after the crash.
The News As I See It: With the current stir about President Obama's ten day vacation at Martha's Vineyard, the White House is pointing out that all presidents take vacation. Teddy Roosevelt took trips to Long Island, Harry Truman would go to Key West and George Bush would go to Legoland.
The CEO of Starbucks said that Obama shouldn’t be vacationing during a crisis, and that he should be getting Americans back to work. Yeah, so they can afford a $9 cup of coffee, right?
Obama went on a bus tour talking about jobs and it was reported that his bus was made in Canada. That’s so unpatriotic. If he was a real American, that bus would have been made in China.
The price of gold is at a record high. It’s so high that a flash mob of Philadelphia thugs beat and looted Mr. T.
Newt Gingrich, who came in 8th place in the Iowa Straw Poll, said he's "not dead yet." Then he was invited on Dancing With the Stars and he said, "OK, now I'm dead."
This Date In History: 1812; The U.S. frigate Constitution, Old Ironsides, defeated the British ship Guerriere during the War of 1812. 1934; Germans voted to make Adolf Hitler Fuhrer. 1960; American U-2 pilot Francis Gary Powers was convicted of espionage in Moscow.
1977; Comedian Groucho Marx died in Los Angeles at age 86. 2003; U.N. special representative Sergio Vieira de Mello was one of 22 killed when a suicide car bomb struck the UN's Baghdad headquarters.
Picture Of The Day: Happy Aviation Day! Fly United.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I would rather hunt with Dick Cheney than have driven with Ted Kennedy. 2) I don't know if it's the economy or just me, but I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. 3) Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll buy a stupid-looking hat. 4) The British have different ways of saying things. They say "lift", we say "elevator", they say "telly", we say "TV". They say "President", we say "idiot." 5) If I could change the drinking laws of nature, I think that instead of developing a "beer belly", men would develop "beer biceps".....and that's five !
Today's Birthday Horoscope: Leo - August 19th: You won't be hospitalized today, but things may not go as planned. You have achieved what most of us only dream about. I probably should have told you this years ago, but it's not a good idea to smoke cigars and hang around with anyone named Monica. Sorry, my bad.....
Birthdays: John Dryden, poet, dramatist, and critic 1631, Orville Wright, aviation pioneer 1871, Coco Chanel, fashion designer 1883, Ogden Nash, poet 1902, Malcolm Forbes, publisher 1919, Willie Shoemaker, jockey 1931, William Jefferson Clinton, 42nd President of the United States 1946, Matthew Perry, actor 1969.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Old Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him.
He asked, "Miss Beatrice, I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. Miss Beatrice replied, "ah yes, isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"
An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!" The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming:
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank." The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun." The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
One day, there was a catastrophic event that caused all humans on Earth to die. To sort things out, everyone went to Heaven. God came in and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who ruled their women on Earth and the other line for the men who were ruled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
With that, the next time God looked, the women were gone and there were two lines. The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1000 miles long, and in the line of men who ruled their women, there was only one man.
God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?" The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
A priest from Ireland was assigned to a Texas diocese. One morning, Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The call was answered and a voice said, "Good morning, this is Sergeant Jones, how might I help you?" The priest said, "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple O yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied, "Aye, 'tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
That's it for today my little sugar plums. Remember, money is the root of all evil. For more information, send me ten dollars. AREA 51 beckons. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !
Have you ever noticed that the morning weather on television is mostly done by women and they all look like they should be in Playboy? I'm not complaining, au contraire, I look forward to tuning in each morning and seeing those huge....thunderstorms. I've also noticed that the morning news is provided during the same show.
All joking aside, these women are very knowledgable and their morning weather reports are important. It just that in my day, we had guys like "Weaver the Weatherman" to give us the morning reports and unless a raging storm or hurricane was bearing down on Miami, it was kind of boring. Dontcha just love progress?
The News As I See It: Barack Obozo sent Vice President Joe O'Biden to China today. So now we owe them a trillion dollars and an apology. Obozo is touring the country in a bus, because nothing inspires hope in the economy like the president riding in the back of a bus.
A new study shows that every hour of TV you watch after the age of 25 shortens your life by 22 minutes. That doesn’t sound too bad to me. You’d probably watch TV with that 22 minutes anyway.
The New York Police Department created a new unit that will use social media sites to catch criminals. Criminal caught on Facebook and Twitter will be arrested, while criminals caught on MySpace will be told about Facebook.
Tim Pawlenty announced that he's dropping out of the GOP race for president. Pawlenty said he wants to spend more time with his family because even they don't know who he is.
Michele Bachmann won the Iowa Straw Poll. She said she hasn’t been this excited since she won last year’s "Who's Crazier Than Sarah Palin" contest. Bachmann wished Elvis Presley a happy birthday even though it’s actually the anniversary of his death. When told about the mistake, Bachmann said, "My apologies to Elvis and the entire Costello family."
This Date In History: 1807; Robert Fulton's steamboat, the Clermont, began its trip up the Hudson River to Albany. 1863; Fort Sumter, S.C. was bombarded by Union ships during the Civil War. 1896; Prospectors found gold in Alaska, a discovery that set off the Klondike gold rush. 1945; Indonesian nationalists proclaimed independence from the Netherlands.
1962; 18-year-old Peter Fechter was shot and killed by guards at the Berlin Wall, spurring riots. 1969; Hurricane Camille devastated the Gulf Coast, killing 248 people. 1978; The first successful trans-Atlantic balloon flight landed outside of Paris. 1987; Rudolf Hess, Adolf Hitler's second in command, committed suicide.
Picture Of The Day: Two of Miami's weather girls, Julie Durda (L) and Lissette Gonzalez (R). Both are knowledgeable, beautiful and would stand up well to any hurricane. (that's "built like a brick shit house" for the hard of understanding).
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) So, after my sleepover with the girl with the hairy legs, I caught a disease from kissing her pet bird. It's call Chirpes. It's a canareal disease, but it's tweetable. 2) I hope that after I die, people will say of me, "That guy sure owed me a lot of money." 3) You have to remember one thing about the will of the American voter. It wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.
4) Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry, and the world laughs anyway. 5) I always wonder why women seem to think that putting an Asian tattoo on their ass is profound. The reality of it all is that it's just gives men something to look at while they're getting busy. By the way, when translated, the tattoo reads "Eat At Ming Chang's Restaurant".....and that's five !
Today's Birthday Horoscope: Leo - August 17th: Check the air in your left front tire before you go to work. There's probably nothing wrong, but mine was low this morning and you never know about serial leakers. Happy hour is going to be great today and you should try out a new place. Romance is 50-50, but at least the baseball game is on. I wouldn't eat any of the free peanuts today......
Birthdays: William Carey, missionary 1761, Davy Crockett, frontiersman 1786, Marcus Garvey, black nationalist leader 1887, Mae West, American comedienne 1893, Ted Hughes, poet 1930, V. S. Naipaul, author 1932, Robert De Niro, film actor 1943, Sean Penn, actor, producer, director 1960.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill:
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentleman, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red? " The gentleman responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. Twice a day for two weeks, she flashed her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?" She replied, "No, but the cucumbers are growing like crazy."
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. Paul replies, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" Jeff replies with a laugh, "Yes." Paul says, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
Jeff says, "When are you going out?" Paul says, "I went to meet her this evening, but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped 'it' to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show". Jeff says, "That sounds sensible."
Paul says, "So I get to her door and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest dress you ever saw." Jeff says, "And what happened then?" Paul says, "I kicked her in the face."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming:
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, '"I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help and they send me a blind policeman!"
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. After getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "There Are No Fish Under The Ice!"
Startled the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another. Again from the above, the voice bellowed, "There Are No Fish Under The Ice!"
The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "There Are No Fish Under The Ice!!." She stopped, looked skyward and said, "Is that you Lord?" The voice replied, "No, this is the Ice Skating Rink Manager...."
That's it for today my little buttercups. Remember, a person is getting along the road to wisdom when they begin to realize that their opinion is just another opinion. Happy hour sounds good so I'm heading over to AREA 51. More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !
I've always been an independent person, opting for self employment rather having to function under the direction of others. This, of course, means that there is not a weekly paycheck unless I am successful in my endeavors for the week. One thing that I do believe in is playing by the rules.
Whether one opts for the safety of a guaranteed weekly paycheck by working for others or decides to work for one's self, I believe that the majority of the people also believe in playing by the rules.
The city of Philadelphia has been inundated of late by "flash mobs", marauding mobs of thugs, who roam the streets, wreaking havoc on businesses while terrifying and sometimes attacking pedestrians.
In London, recent rioting and looting has been blamed in part on groups of thugs using Twitter, mobile phone text messages and instant messaging on BlackBerry to organize and keep a step ahead of police.
While curfews and a increased police presence have somewhat slowed these idiots, it seems to me that the respective governments need to seriously deal with these misfits. If you're old enough to commit the crime, you're old enough to be prosecuted for the crime. Additionally, parents of these thugs need to be held responsible as well.
Personally, I believe that if a few of these idiots were taken down by police gunfire, the problem would cure itself relatively fast. But, that's just me.....
The News As I See It: The federal government has a new plan that will let people send texts to 911. Yeah, it’s a little frustrating when you try to text "Burglar! Please hurry!," and your cell phone auto-corrects to "Burger, please. Hungry."
A new study found that 20 percent of Internet time is spent on social networking sites. The other 80 percent is spent hiding a Facebook window behind Excel.
President Obama will begin a three-state bus tour. I believe the three states are confusion, delusion, and desperation.
The Republicans had their big debate in Iowa. You know who the winner was? Anyone that didn’t watch.
It's the 76th anniversary of social security. I mention it because there’s no guarantee that there will be a 77th.
This Date In History: 1057; Macbeth, king of Scotland, was killed by Malcolm Canmore. 1911; Proctor & Gamble Company introduced Crisco vegetable shortening. 1935; Aviator Wiley Post and actor Will Rogers were killed in a plane crash. 1939; The Wizard of Oz premiered in Hollywood.
1947; The Indian Independence Bill created the two independent states of India and Pakistan. 1948; South Korea became the Republic of Korea. 1969; Woodstock Music and Art Fair opened at Max Yasgur's dairy farm in Bethel, New York.
1998; A car bomb in Omagh, Northern Ireland, killed 29 people. It was the deadliest act of violence in more than 30 years of "Troubles." 2001; Astronomers announced the discovery of the first solar system outside our own.
Picture Of The Day: It's eclectic day.....nothing in particular yet each has it's own merit.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) So the woman with the hairy legs said to me, "You might not be the best looking guy here, but handsome is only a light switch away." 2) This "Google" thing really doesn't work as well as they claim it does. I searched for cigarette lighters today and all I found was 15,000 matches. 3) It's easy to get some lumber, nails and a saw and build something. Anybody can do that. What's hard to do is take a nap while someone is hammering and sawing. 4) I visited the Central Park Zoo in New York City and they displayed the name of the animal with it's Latin name underneath. Where I come from, they have the name of the animal and a recipe underneath. 5) My Asian lady friend asked me about an "erection" and I asked her what she wanted to know. She said, "No reason, I was just wondering who you voted for".....and that's five !
Today's Birthday Horoscope: Leo - August 15th: It's going to be a great day, Tater! Stop off for some Cuban coffee at that little cafe you like and pay close attention to that special someone you've been eyeing. I wouldn't use that shortcut you usually take. Take the scenic route. It's a little longer but it's worth it. Oh...and never trust a naked bus driver.
Birthdays: Napoleon I, emperor of the French 1769, Walter Scott, writer 1771, Ethel Barrymore, actress 1879, Edna Ferber, author 1887, T. E. Lawrence, adventurer 1888, Julia Child, chef 1912.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An older man and his wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?" The husband replies, "Oh, she’s my mistress." His wife says, "Well, that’s the last straw! I’ve had enough and I want a divorce."
Her husband calmly says, "I can understand that, but remember, if we get a divorce, it means that you don’t get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. His wife asks, "Who’s that woman with Jimmy?" Her husband says, "That’s his mistress." His wife replies, "Ours is prettier...."
An older man concluded his lecture with a note of caution, "You don’t want to try these techniques at home. Somebody from the audience asked, "Why not?" The old man said, "I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years. She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don’t you try carrying several things at once?'"
The person in the audience asked, "Did it save time?" The old man said, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt and my pal Victor for their contributions to today's stories.
Boudreaux was out in the field talking with his friend Thibodeaux. Thibodeaux said, "Boudreaux, you see dat ole barn out dere? Well man, its completely infestered wit rats. I tried everything I know and can't get rid of dem." Boudreaux says, "Thibodeaux, I know exactly how to get rid of dem rats. You gotta get you one of dem bull constriptors."
Thibodeaux says, "Whats a bull constriptor?" Boudreaux explains, "Man, dat's one of dem big ole snakes and he loves to eat rats and swallers dem whole, all at once". The next day, Thibodeaux went down to Kliberts reptile farm and bought the biggest boa constricter they had. He brought the snake to the barn, let him loose and just sat there and watched. The big snake just curled up and slept all day.
Thibodeaux got real frustrated and called up Boudreaux on the phone "Boudreaux, man dat's some bad advice bout dat snake. Dem rats is still runnin' all around and dat snake jus lays dere sleepin' all day long." Boudreaux says, "Man, Thibodeaux, I know just what to do. Give dat snake some Viagra." Thibodeaux say, "What? Viagra! What's dat gonna do?" Boudreaux say,"I was just listening to da radio and da man say dat Viagra is da best thing to use for a reptile dysfunction."
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand. He says to the Italian guy, "You’re in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You’re in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You’re in charge of supplies." He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand."
So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn’t you sweep any of it?" The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th’ Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin’ him neither."
The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent. Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells, "Supplies!!!"
An old cowboy sat down at the cafe and ordered a cup of coffee.As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows and fixing fences, so I guess I am a cowboy."
The young woman said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. It seems that everything makes me think of women." The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
That's it for today my little hot cakes. Remember, be nice to your kids. They'll be the ones choose your nursing home. More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !
I've written several songs over the years but there are a few actual song titles that help me understand why it's illegal to marry your cousin. One of my favorites is "I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling." Now, there's a dilema, huh"
Country music singer and writer Jerry Reed of "Smokey And The Bandit " fame wrote, "She Got The Gold Mine, I Got The Shaft". I'll bet there's quite a few of us out there who can identify with that one! Although I haven't heard it, I'm told that Dolly Parton wrote, "You're The Reason Our Children Are Ugly".
Singer Ray Stevens has come up with quite a few songs that did quite well. Who can forget, "Ahab The Arab"? And then there were just silly songs that caught on like, "Does Your Chewing Gum Lose It's Flavor On The Bedpost Overnight?" and "Tie Me Kangaroo Down".
"One Eyed One Horned Flying Purple People Eater" hit the top of the hit parade way back when. along with songs like "Love Potion Number Nine" and "Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah" In 1966, Jerry Samuels had a brief hit with "They're Coming to Take Me Away, Ha-Haaa!" and I personally knew several people that I was sure the song was written for.
Yep, those were entertaining back in the day and one of the best songs I ever wrote was never a hit because someone wrote a song with a similar (yet trite) title. My song was entitled, "I'm In The Nude For Love" but it only sold 39 copies.....
The News As I See It: Congress has appointed a debt committee to deal with the debt. I thought Congress was the debt committee. Aren’t they the ones who put us in debt?
Obama took campaign volunteers out for burgers yesterday and apparently left a 35 percent tip. He's real generous.....with China’s money.
They say the price of gas could soon be under $3 a gallon. Do you know what that means? You can now afford to drive by the house you used to live in, go by the job you used to have, and go see the bank where you used to have money.
Obama said this week that the downgrading of our credit rating should give America "a renewed sense of urgency." A renewed sense of urgency? The only people that don’t think it’s urgent are the congressmen that just went on a five week vacation.
There have been huge riots in England the past couple of days. People are fighting, throwing rocks, smashing windows. And they're doing it the hard way, without a soccer game.
The FCC says you will soon be able to send text messages to 911. I’m sure 911 operators can’t wait to get texts that say, "Being carjacked, LOL."
This Date In History: 1624; Cardinal Richelieu was named chief minister of France by king Louis XIII. 1851; Issac Singer patented the sewing machine. 1865 British surgeon Joseph Lister became the first doctor to use an antiseptic during surgery.
1898; A peace protocol ending the Spanish-American War was signed. 1898; Hawaii was formally annexed to the United States. 1972; The last American combat troops left Vietnam. 1985; In the world's worst single-aircraft disaster, a Japan Air Lines 747 crashed into Mount Osutaka, killing 520 of the 524 aboard.
1998; Swiss banks agreed to pay $1.25 billion to settle lawsuits brought by Holocaust survivors and their heirs. The banks had kept millions of dollars deposited by Holocaust victims before and during World War II. 2000; The Russian military submarine, Kursk, and its crew were lost in the Barents Sea.
Picture Of The Day: Just some crazy photoshop animals that made me laugh.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The reason I never tell jokes about the "Jonestown Massacre" is that the punch lines are too long. 2) My female neighbor is completely paranoid. She thinks I’m stalking her. She is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is…purified? Oh, wait a minute...... that's "petrified." Sorry, it’s not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree. 3) Roses are red violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic and so am I. 4) People will buy anything that is one-to-a-customer. 5) I don't want to say that girl was ugly, but when I bent down to pet her cat, I discovered that it was the hair on her legs.....and that's five !
Today's Birthday Horoscope: Leo - August 12th: Avoid long lines today as that prescription you've been taking will kick in sometime in the afternoon. That product you've been wanting to buy for yourself will be on sale this weekend although I'm not sure of the day. Go for it. Animals will be nice to you this weekend so pet a few, except for "Butch." I don't know why that son of a bitch dislikes you so.....
Birthdays: George IV, king of Great Britain and Ireland (1820–30), eldest son and successor of George III 1762, Katharine Lee Bates, author 1859. Jacinto Benavente, dramatist 1866, Mary Roberts Rinehart, novelist 1876, Christy Mathewson, baseball player 1880, Cecil B. De Mille film director 1881, Erwin Schrödinger, theoretical physicist 1887, Cantinflas, actor 1911, George Hamilton, actor, producer 1939, Pete Sampras, tennis player 1971.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Claude the hypnotist was the headliner on entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude exclaimed, "I’m going to put everyone into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. Claude said, "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch. It’s been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the Claude’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
Claude yelled, "Shit!" It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.
Two cowboys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first cowboy says his favorite position is the "rodeo". The other cowboy asks what the position is, and how do you do it? The first cowboy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style.
Once things start to get under way and she’s really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear, 'Your sister likes this position too.' Then try to hang on for 8 seconds."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.
One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and decided to make the question a little harder, "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "About 1,500." St. Peter said, "That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter then turned to the lawyer and said, "Name them."
Four U.S. presidents are caught in a tornado that hits a state funeral they’re all attending and are whirled off to Oz. They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard, who asks, "What brings you before the great Wizard of Oz?"
Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly and says, "I’ve come for some courage." The Wizard says, "No problem! Who is next?"
George Bush steps forward, "Well, I think I need a heart." The Wizard says, "Done! Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?"
Up steps Barack Obama, who says, "I’m told by the American people that I need a brain." The Wizard says, "Not a problem! Consider it done."
There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn’t say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "What do you want?" Clinton says quietly, "Ummm, is Dorothy around?"
A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Washington state There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land, so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama Care they turned me down."
That's it for today my little fireflies. Remember, perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands, but English women only hope to find in their butlers. Look out AREA 51, here I come. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !
Facebook has two new fads. No, not Farmville, Mafia Wars and the other goofy games. Nope this one's called "You know you grew up (are from, lived in, etc) in ____ if you ____ (add your city, recollection, quip. etc.). It was cute, at first. Then again, so was "Jake" from "Two and a Half Men" before he became a teenager.
Imagine every friend you have and then imagine each friend coming up with fifty thoughts and you see the emerging clouds. When it's my city or a neighboring area I'm familiar with, I read the entry. The problem is I don't know anything about Bodunk, Arkansas or Bumphuk, Indiana and therein lies the rub.
The other new fad is Cuban (substitute French, Irish, etc) word of the day. Again, if it's a background, nationality or ethnic word I'm familiar with, I read it and usually laugh. The problem, again, is to imagine 50 words from each friend. The cool thing is that you can hide these types of posts and reduce the number of daily entries that you read. The problem is that I'm a "chismoso" (Cuban slang for gossip) and I don't like to miss anything.....
The News As I See It: S&P (Standard and Poor's) downgraded the United States from AAA to AA+ and it gets worse. Today, Italy, England, and Greece un-friended us on Facebook.
China has warned the United States that its days of squandering borrowed money are over. Maybe we shouldn’t tell the Chinese that we spent $76 million to see the "Smurfs" movie. We owe China more than a trillion dollars. Why don’t we just give them California?
America’s credit rating took a real hit when the U.S. lost its AAA status. Joe O'Biden immediately asked, "What happens if I get a flat tire and need roadside assistance?"
About 45,000 Verizon employees are on strike after failing to reach a new contract. Things are so bad that the S&P downgraded them from "Verizon" to "Metro PCS".
This Date In History: 1821; Missouri became the 24th state in the United States. 1846 The Smithsonian Institution was established in Washington, D.C., from funds left by British scientist James Smithson. 1921; Franklin D. Roosevelt was stricken with polio at his summer home on Campobello island.
1944; U.S. forces seized Guam from Japan. 1948; Candid Camera with Allen Funt debuted on television. 1988; President Reagan signed a bill that awarded $20,000 to each survivor of the Japanese-American internment.
Picture Of The Day: Facebook....the place to socialize and have fun. Whatever happened to a day at the beach?
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The tanking U.S. economy is making Obama more tense than Jesse Jackson on Father's Day. 2) Two rights do not make a wrong, they make an airplane. 3) The ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter equals Eskimo Pi 4) Reality shows give me an indication of what my life would be like if it were run by writers not smart enough to make movies. 5) The American Heart and Lung Association surveyed doctors and found that 9 out of 10 doctors who tried Camels went back to women.....and that's five !
Today's Birthday Horoscope: Leo - August 10th: It's hump day and I know you're looking forward to happy hour. Charge your cell phone because you'll be receiving quite a few calls tonight. Most of them will be wrong numbers but the people at the bar will think you're popular. Cologne and a nice clothes are recommended. Oh yeah, feed the animals......
Birthdays: My pal Larry - Happy Birthday Buddy 19XX, Herbert Hoover 31st President of the United States 1874, Norma Shearer, actress 1900, Jorge Amado, author 1912, Rosanna Arquette, actress 1959, Antonio Banderas, actor 1960.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree. As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."
She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!" She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment.
A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie, but it's nice ta see you won first prize!"
Two elderly gentlemen were sitting on a park bench on North Avenue. After a while, one said, "By the way, George, how's your wife?" George said, "I think she's dead." His friend asked, "What do you mean, you think she dead?" George said, "Well, the sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming:
A pregnant woman is involved in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! A boy and a girl. Your Uncle from Brooklyn came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my Uncle, he's an idiot!" She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" The doctor replies, "Denise." The woman says, "Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?" The doctor says, "Denephew."
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry he sat down and looked over the menu. Broiled Missionary: $10.00 Fried Explorer: $15.00 Baked Politician: $100.00. The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politician?" The cook replied "Have you ever tried to clean one of them?"
President Obama wakes up one morning, looks out of the White House window and sees "The President Sucks" written in the snow in urine. Furious, he calls in the FBI and demands the perpetrators be found. Later that day the FBI agents return. The first agent says, "Well sir, the urine has been analysed and it's the Vice President's". Obama goes purple with rage and shouts, "Is that all?" The agent says, "Well, no sir, it's the First Lady's handwriting."
That's it for today my little tootsie rolls. Remember, the best way to combat criminals is by not voting for them. It's hump day and a great reason to go have a scotch in AREA 51. More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !
It's National Aviation Day and members of the "Mile High Club" will be celebrating. I've always had a fear of flying, so I go the the Sheraton in Denver and rent a sweet (Denver is 5280 feet above sea level for the hard of understanding ((5,280 feet = one mile for the hopelessly hard of understanding))).
