Friday, April 28, 2017

Friday Ramblings

Peaceful protest is an American right, but violent protest is not. As far as I'm concerned, anyone wearing a mask, carrying a potential weapon or committing violence should be arrested on the spot and jailed. Violence is an insult to all Americans who try to abide by the law.

Personally, if I see someone wearing a mask and carrying a weapon, my first thought is my own safety and the safety of others. If he or she approaches me, they will find themselves looking down the business end of my 38 caliber pistol. It's better to be judged by twelve than be carried by six. 

On another note, users have no idea how many pseudo (fake) news sites are on Facebook. They have important sounding names, but most are just opportunists who use ludicrous headlines to lure people to their sites. So that you are aware, most sites advertise and receive income on a pay per click status. The more gullible ofttimes click the ads, et voila, income for the site. Most are untrustworthy and sometimes dangerous.

The News As I See It: Saudi Arabia has been named to the United Nations’ Commission on Women’s Rights. In a related story, Ireland has been named to the UN Commission on Sobriety and Tanning.

President Trump did an interview the other day where he said he never realized that being president was such a big responsibility. And somewhere far, far away, Hillary Clinton crushed the wine glass she was holding.

Chelsea Clinton recently said that when her mom traveled, she would leave a note for her every day that she was gone. Though every day the note just read, "Keep an eye on your father."

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un warned that he might unleash a "super mighty preemptive strike." When she heard, Mrs. Kim Jong-un rolled her eyes and said, "Trust me, I wouldn’t worry about it."

This Date In History: 1788; Maryland became the 7th state in the United States. 1789; Fletcher Christian led the mutiny aboard the British ship Bounty against Captain William Bligh. 1945 Benito Mussolini was executed.

1947; Thor Heyerdahl and five others began their Pacific Ocean crossing on the raft, Kon-Tiki. 1967; Boxing champion Muhammad Ali refused to be inducted into the Army. 1992; The U.S. Dept. of Agriculture unveiled its first "food pyramid."

2001; Dennis Tito became the first space tourist. 2004; The Abu Ghraib prison abuse scandal first comes to light when graphic photos of U.S. soldiers physically abusing and humiliating Iraqi prisoners were shown on CBS's 60 Minutes II.

Picture Of The Day: A prime example of two thugs who should be arrested and jailed.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) One more missile failure and the Acme Corporation is going to lose their North Korea contract.  2) You can have more degrees than a thermometer and still be dumb as shit. 3) A large rabbit was attacked on a United flight. A chubby little man is a suspect. The media tried to reach him for comment but he's being vewy vewy quiet. 4) No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser. 5) When I say "the other day" it can be anytime between yesterday and my birth.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - April 28th: Hats have always looked good on you. Yep, today is definitely a hat day. Don't trust little birdies, they're renowned liars. Skeletons in your closet are a sign that you have an eventful life and are nothing to be embarrassed about. That is, except that incident with your fourth grade teacher. Keep that one under your hat..

Birthdays: James Monroe, 5th president of the United States 1758, Marie Joseph Chenier, poet and dramatist 1764, Lionel Barrymore, actor 1878, Harper Lee, author 1926 Jay Leno, talk-show host 1950, Penélope Cruz, actress 1974.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Bubba, a Kentucky good old boy, decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He goes to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running, reaches the edge and into the wind he goes.

Meanwhile, Ma and Pa were sitting on the porch swing talking when Ma spots the biggest bird she ever seen. Ma screams, "Look at the size of that bird, Pa." Pa raises up and says," Get my gun, Ma." She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun.

He takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops. Ma says, "Pa, I think you missed him. Pa replies, "Yeah, but at least he let go of Bubba!"

A precious little girl walks into a PetSmart store and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, where do you keep the widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks,"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice. "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man owned a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. The agent demanded "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,"

The rancher replied, "Well. there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.

The rancher continued, "Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board. I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

The agent said, "That's the guy I want to talk to ... the half-wit." The rancher replied, "That would be me."

A chicken farmer went to the local bar. He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne. The woman said, "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne." The farmer said, "What a coincidence, it is a special day for me. I'm celebrating." The woman said, "It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!"

While they toasted, the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?" The woman replied, "My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant." The farmer said, "What a coincidence. I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs."

The woman said, "This is awesome! What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?" The farmer said, "I used a different rooster." The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence."

That's it for today, my little pork chops. Remember, if you're a white guy and walk into Home Depot without wearing sunglasses on top of your head, legally, they don't have to sell you anything. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

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Friday, April 21, 2017

I'm Back !

Due to a recent hospital stay, I have not posted. Fear not, as I feel better and look forward to receiving a hospital bill which I will be unable to pay. I'm sure, however, that Obamacare will gladly pick up the tab.

On a serious note, my thanks to all my Facebook and Blogger friends for their well wishes. I had planned to keep the news within the family, but Sister Jean would have none of that and kept people apprised on Facebook. Both Sister Jean and Brother Kirt were there when I needed them and for that I am thankful.

As for Samantha and Scooter.......well, they're cats and as long as there's food and water, they're happy. Gonna keep it short today but I'm back at it and will have more in the next post.

The News As I See It: A recent security purge by Facebook has unintentionally gotten rid of millions of "likes." Just think... all those wasted hours, wasted.

In New York, a Southwest Airlines pilot was arrested for having a loaded gun hidden in his carry-on bag. The pilot was fired from Southwest and immediately hired by United, so we’re all set now.

Door Dash is a food delivery service testing out a new method of delivery that uses robots to bring you your food. They’re offering it in California and Washington, D.C., right now. You use your app, you order food and a robot in some cases will bring it right to you. It even acts surprised when you answer the door naked. It’s an amazing technology.

Former White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest recently said that former President Obama is genuinely concerned about how things are going in the country. In fact, today there was just a hint of sadness in Obama's eye, as he swam up to the bar to smoke a cigarette and order another beer.

This Date In History: 1836; Texan army under Sam Houston defeated Mexicans in the Battle of San Jacinto. 1910; Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain), author of the novel Huckleberry Finn, died at the age of 74.

1918; Baron Manfred von Richthofen, the notorious World War I German flying ace known as the "Red Baron," was killed in action today. 1960; Brazil inaugurated its new capital, Brasilia. 1975; South Vietnamese President Nguyen Van Thieu resigned.

1980; Rosie Ruiz was the first woman to cross the finish line at the Boston Marathon. She was later disqualified for cheating. 1995; Timothy McVeigh was arrested in connection with the Oklahoma City bombing. 1997; The ashes of Timothy Leary, Gene Roddenberry, and 22 others blasted into space for the first space funerals.

Picture Of The Day: Here's Jimmy !

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I had a weird dream last night. I dreamed that God sneezed and I didn't know what to say. 2) She wanted to name her new baby boy, Greg. The doctor, who once worked as a Barista at Starbucks wrote down "Grork". 3) I've now reached the age where getting lucky is what happens when I can remember where I put my glasses. 4) I smoke cigars occasionally. I don't know a lot about cigars. Yesterday, at a cigar store, the guy behind the counter says, "What kind of cigars do you want?" I said, "Uhhh...Give me a dozen 'Itsaboys'."  5) I once got into trouble on a date. I didn't open her car door. Instead, I just swam to the surface.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - April 21st: Minor changes to your driving style allows you to feel like you're a better driver. You're not, but it's the thought that counts. Today should be good for you but I wouldn't eat any seafood. Come to think of it, I wouldn't go near any, either.

Birthdays: Charlotte Brontë, novelist 1816, John Muir, naturalist 1838, Anthony Quinn, actor 1915, Queen Elizabeth II, English Monarch 1926, Tony Romo, football player 1980.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek says, "We had great Mathematicians." The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire."

They went on and on, then the Greek says, "We invented sex." The Italian says, "That's true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

An older woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans. Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked her husband, "Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of the house?" Her husband replied,"No, dear, not at all. Our house isn't blue."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two brothers, aged four and six, are talking and the six year old says, "You know, it's about time we started to swear." The four year old says "OK." The six year old says "From now on I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass.'" The four year old says "OK."

So they go downstairs and their mother says "What would you boys like for breakfast?" The six year old says "Oh what the hell, I'll have corn flakes." WHACK! The kid goes flying across the room.

The mother turns to the four year old and asks "And what would YOU like for breakfast?" The four year old says "I don't know, but you can bet your sweet ass it's not corn flakes."

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives to be civilized and kind to each other when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both. The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way? The chief replied, "That my bike."

That's it for today, my little sweet potatoes. Remember,when the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

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Saturday, April 1, 2017

Odds And Ends - Late Friday Edition

Thoughts: I would never hire a lawyer that makes his own commercials, especially the morons in the "Ticket Clinic" commercials. I don't trust any one, especially politicians, who say "New-kew-lar", It's "New-kle-ar". Tenure be Damned - If you are a shitty teacher, you should drive the school bus.

I see no good reason to jump out a a perfectly good running airplane. I would enjoy seeing the lying, liberal New York Times go bankrupt. I don't go to the Olive Garden and other pasta joints because over-priced pasta is not worth the trouble.

Running in a marathon is stupid. I’m not running anywhere unless someone is chasing me. I no longer fry bacon naked. It's not worth having to tell the story in the emergency room. I would shop more often at Walmart if they guarantee the parking lot would be rid if thugs. My .38 only holds five rounds and I don't reload as fast as I used to.

I'm unsure who is the fattest and most disgusting: Whoopi Goldberg or Rosie O'Donnell. For the liberal Madison Avenue  television commercial writers: Everyone knows what you're up to with your diversive casting, but the local television evening crime news puts it all back into perspective. It's like putting lipstick on a monkey.

Any product advertised on TV for $19.99 is a rip off; Even worse if they double the offer. Most diets that you subscribe to don't work and are overpriced. The best way to lose weight is to eat a healthy diet and learn to push yourself away from the table. And finally, never trust a naked bus driver.....

The News As I See It: After causing a huge controversy, United Airlines now says it will allow any paying passenger to wear leggings. So good news, my Uncle Lester can fly out for Easter after all.

Ford announced it will create 130 new jobs in Michigan. Hillary Clinton asked, "Is one of them president?"

A 20-year-old woman in St. Louis has been banned from Tinder after making hundreds of dollars because her profile said, "Send me $5 and see what happens," The thing is, guys were just giving her $5. Usually, the only thing people give each other on Tinder is crabs.

This Date In History: 1707; The Act of Union joined England and Scotland to form Great Britain. 1931; The Empire State Building opened in New York City. At 102 stories, it would be the world's tallest building for the next 41 years. Click to see the current tallest.

1941; Orson Welles's Citizen Kane, considered by many the greatest film ever made, premiered in New York. 1948; The Democratic People's Republic of Korea (North Korea) was established with Kim Il Sung as president. 1960; The Soviet Union shot down an American U-2 reconnaissance plane over Soviet territory.

1967; Elvis Presley married Priscilla Beaulieu. (They divorced in 1973.) 1991; 44-year-old Texas fireballer Nolan Ryan hurled his seventh and final no-hitter in a 3-0 victory over the Toronto Blue Jays. That same day, Oakland's Rickey Henderson broke Lou Brock’s stolen base record.

2003; President Bush made a speech aboard an aircraft carrier proclaiming “major combat operations in Iraq have ended.” 2009; For the first time in 341 years, a woman is appointed as poet laureate of the United Kingdom. Carol Ann Duffy, 53, will take over the post from current poet laureate Andrew Motion.

Picture Of The Day: Never let your girlfriends talk you into getting the "latest style".

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I remember when you could get a dozen eggs, a loaf of bread and a gallon of milk next to nothing. Nowadays, they got those damn security cameras. 2) Man cannot live by bread alone. He also needs a roll of duct tape and a can of WD-40. 3) According to archaeologists, for millions of years Neanderthal man was not fully erect. That's pretty easy to understand considering how ugly Neanderthal woman were. 4) Does anyone need a pen? I just cleaned out all my drawers and it turns out I have ALL of them. 5) I hope I'm the last guy on earth. I want to see if all those women were lying to me.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 31st: Don't trust little birdies, most of them tell lies. Love comes in all shapes and sizes. Unfortunately, all the good shapes and sizes are already taken. Bread, lightly cooked and buttered. Today's horoscope was sponsored by Toast.

Birthdays: Joseph Addison, writer 1672, Mary Harris Jones, labor agitator 1830, Calamity Jane, frontier character 1852, Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, philosopher 1881, Joseph Heller, writer 1923, Wes Anderson, filmmaker 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A farmer was driving along the road with a load of horse manure. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What have you got in your truck?" The farmer replied, "Horse manure."

The little boy asked, "What are you going to do with it?" The farmer said, "Put it on strawberries." The little boy said, "You ought to live here. We put sugar and cream on ours."

One night, after watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire", a man and his wife went to bed. The man started getting very frisky, so he asked his wife if she was in the mood.

His wife answered, "Not tonight dear, I have a headache." The man replied, "Is that your final answer?" She said "Yes." The man said, "Ok, then I'd like to phone a friend."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The team's performance soars. They win the county and state championship until one day. they are favored to win nationals easily.

Penelope, a 16-year-old hurdler visits her coach and says, "Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest." The coach says in a panic, "What? How far down does it go?" She replies, "Down to my balls. That's another thing I want to talk to you about."

A woman with really hairy underarms boards a crowded bus. Unable to find a seat, she settles for hanging onto one of the poles. A drunk man next to her stares at her for three minutes, then tells her, "I love a woman that does aerobics."

The woman replies angrily, "I don't do aerobics!" The drunk man then looks at the woman and says, "Then how did you get your leg up so high?"

That's it for today, my little April fools. Remember,If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

Stay Tuned !