Friday, June 29, 2018

If You're Old Enough To Remember Seeing The Beatles Arrive In America in '64, It's Time To Have Your Yearly Prostate Exam


The Beatles arrived on Pan Am Flight 101 at New York’s John F. Kennedy Airport. on February 7, 1964.They didn’t really know what to expect. Even though they had a No. 1 hit with "I Want to Hold Your Hand," they’d heard enough stories about other British musicians who failed to connect in America.

An emotional crowd of somewhere between three and five thousand greeted the Beatles at the airport and "Beatlemania" had arrived. It was the first visit to the United States by the Beatles who had just scored their first Number One U.S. hit six days before with "I Want to Hold Your Hand."

At Kennedy, the "Fab Four" dressed in mod suits and sporting their trademark pudding bowl haircuts nearly caused a riot when the boys stepped off their plane and onto American soil. Two days later, Paul McCartney, age 21, Ringo Starr, 23, John Lennon, 23, and George Harrison, 20, made their first appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show.

Although it was difficult to hear the performance over the screams of teenage girls in the studio audience, an estimated 73 million U.S. television viewers, or about 40 percent of the U.S. population, tuned in to watch. Sullivan immediately booked the Beatles for two more appearances that month.

The rest, as they say, is history. The Beatles went on to become one of the most influential sounds in music and the number one band in sales. It was the best of times, back in the day, and I can say I was there to enjoy it......

The News As I See It: After 30 years on the bench, Justice  Kennedy is retiring from the Supreme Court. He's 81 years old, so he's going to go from sitting around in a robe all day to sitting around in a robe all day.

According to a new study, older people who have sex regularly tend to have better memories, while the people who walked in on them just want to forget.

I read a very interesting story in the newspaper today. For the younger readers, a newspaper is like the Internet but made of paper.

This Date In History: 1613; London's Globe Theatre burned down during a performance of Shakespeare's Henry VIII. 1767; The British Parliament approved the Townshend Acts. 1972; The Supreme Court ruled in Furman v. Georgia that the death penalty could constitute "cruel and unusual" prompting some states to revise their laws.

1995; The shuttle Atlantis and the Russian space station Mir docked, forming the largest man-made satellite ever to orbit Earth. 2003; Actress Katharine Hepburn died.

Picture Of The Day: The boys deplane.....



Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My girlfriend told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down. 2) One thing that both White and Black people know, but Spanish people do not, is that chicken is food, not a roommate. 3) As kids, we all used to skinny dip. Nowadays, most of us just chunky dunk. 4) Did you ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and blaming it on the republicans? 5) They asked me who my friend was and I said, "His name is Sanjay although you may know him as Mike from Microsoft customer service.".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - June 29th: Although you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, bear in mind that you can catch even more flies with manure. Take the time to shave closely tonight as the evening is showing signs of becoming memorable. Chance of romance is partly cloudy with a chance of reins, a whip and handcuffs .

Birthdays: George Goethals, engineer 1858, George Ellery Hale, astronomer 1868, James Van Der Zee, photographer 1886,  Antoine de Saint ExupĂ©ry, aviator 1900, Slim Pickens, cowboy and actor 1919,

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: I met a beautiful girl last night in the Area 51 bar. She just walked up and said, "Hi, my name's Carmen." I said, "That's a beautiful name. Is it a family name?"

She said, "No, I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most, cars and men. What's your name?" I said, "B.J. Titsenfishing."

Aunt Clara went to a new doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation. She said to the doctor, "It's terrible! I haven't moved my bowels in more than a week."

The doctor said, "I see. Have you done anything about it?" Aunt Clara replied, "Oh, yes. I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night."

The doctor said, "No, I mean do you take anything?" Aunt Clara answered, "Just a magazine..."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse? The coroner replied, "No, I did not."

The attorney asked, "Did you listen to the heart?" The coroner answered, "No, I did not." The attorney: said, "Did you check for breathing?" The coroner said, "No."

The attorney said, "So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?" The coroner replied, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess its possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

A woman stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers and bared her soul to the congregation. "I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, suffered this past month."

She continued, "He was riding his motorcycle, lost control and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."

The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats. She continued, "Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He can hardly lift anything, he's in a lot pain and he has missed work because of it."

His wife added, "Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal."

A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sank in and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "There, but for the grace of God, go I."

Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation. "My name is Jim and I have only one word for my wife. Honey, the word is 'sternum'."

That's it for today, my little rosebuds Remember, memory is what tells a man his wedding anniversary was yesterday. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

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Friday, June 22, 2018

Crappola: "Only $19.95" And Other Rip-offs


If it's "only $19.95" and "not sold in stores", don't buy it. If your attorney advertises on TV at 3 o'clock in the morning, get a new attorney. If your prescription drugs are advertising and the side effects include: death, blindness, tuberculosis, liver damage, anal leakage, loss of sense of humor, et cetera, ad nauseum, don't buy it.

Lets begin with the "Only $19.95" game, Why don't they just charge $20? Because the price looks cheaper, but let's face it, it's $20, plus shipping and handling. Ten year guarantee! Really? A corporation cost less than $500 to create and it's usually "offshore" Yeah, that'll be a successful lawsuit.

If the spokesperson speaks so shrill and loudly, you check to see of your cat got it's tail stuck in the door, just change the TV channel. "Act now and we'll double the offer, Just pay shipping and handling". Guess what that will cost? Another $20! There is no such thing as a free lunch!

Attorneys who advertise on TV in the AM are usually the bottom of the barrel. Owning a real estate company, I have dealt with attorneys all of my career. I never met (or used) those who do their own advertising on TV. The major issue always seem to be how much money they earned for a client, Good attorneys are more prone to look out after your interests.

Drug companies drive me crazy with their new drugs. Whoever creates the names of these products should be sent back to school to learn English.

Since most people over 50 usually have one malady or the other, I sometimes listen to the information. The final straw is when they list possible side effects and one quickly decides that the thirty-odd side effects do not justify using the drug.

The News As I See It: Banks are starting to offer services through virtual assistants like Amazon Echo, which backfires when you ask Alexa for your account balance and she just starts laughing.

In November, people in California will vote on whether they want to break the state up in to three smaller states. The states would be Northern California, Southern California, and Kardashistan.

Microsoft is working on technology that removes the need for cashiers and checkout lines. This cutting-edge technology is known as "shoplifting."

Sonic has introduced a new flavor of its iced slushes. Apparently, they've run out of ideas because this new flavor is Pickle Juice. This is great news for people who are hot, thirsty and well into their second trimester.

Sonic says if this goes well, they're all set to unveil their next exciting flavor, Cabbage Drippings. Sonic claims the new flavor has "a distinctly summer vibe to create new summer memories." Memories like, "Hey! You remember that time I threw up at Sonic?"

This Date In History: 1815; Napoleon abdicated his throne for the second time after his defeat at Waterloo. 1870; The U.S. Justice Department was created.  1874; Dr. Andrew Still became the first to practice osteopathy. 1944; President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the G.I. Bill of Rights.

1969; Singer-actress Judy Garland died. 1987; Actor-dancer-singer Fred Astaire died. 2011; Legendary Boston crime boss,James "Whitey" Bulger is found and arrested by federal authorities in Santa Monica, Calif.

Picture Of The Day: Child with body guards.....



Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again. 2) My parents moved a lot when I was younger. We kids always managed to track them down though. 3) Life tip - Buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it's a gift. 4) Cuisine is something like food, but the portions are smaller and the prices are higher. If you desire authentic French cuisine, the waiter will insult you as you are served. 5) It takes over five words to say "I love you" in Hawaiian. All it really takes is a pineapple and fifty dollars for those in the know.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Gemini - June 22nd: With every passing moment you are pissing away your life reading nonsense on the Internet. For this reason, any film you watch over the coming weekend will stay with you forever. Please ensure the film is not Tomb Raider.

Birthdays: Julian Sorell Huxley, biologist, author  1887, Anne Morrow Lindbergh, author  1906, Joseph Papp, stage producer, director 1921, Bill Blass, fashion designer 1922, Dianne Feinstein, senile senator 1933, Kris Kristofferson, composer 1936, Meryl Streep, ultra liberal actress 1949.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that she would be called "woman."

God said, "This pretty woman will gather food for you, she will cook for you and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you. She will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement."

God continued, "She will praise you! She will bear your children. and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God replied, "An arm and a leg." Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a strange bottle. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that’s my wish."

The genie looks concerned, then says, "No, I’m sorry, that’s just not possible. Some things just can’t be changed. Do you have another wish?"

The guys says, "Well, my whole life I’ve never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says, "How would you define peace?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this Sex book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. Mutual orgasm here and mutual orgasm there. That's all they talk about."

Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?" Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."

A mother of five decides to get plastic surgery on her privates so her husband can enjoy the snugness she had in her youth. So, she heads off to the doctor for the procedure. Once the procedure is done, she wakes up to find three roses on her bed and asks the nurse who sent them.

The nurse says, "The doctor wanted you to know he appreciates the business, so he left you a rose. Then your husband came in with a rose, stating that he can't wait to feel the results of the surgery, so he left a rose, too."

The woman asks, "What about the third rose?" The nurse says, "Oh, that's from Ed in the burn unit. He wanted to say thanks for the new ears."

That's it for today, my little butter cups. Remember, pepperoni, cheese, anchovies or jalapenos added to jokes upon request; your mileage may vary; no substitutions! I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Blogger by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page. They may ask you to join, but it's free.

More next week.

Stay Tuned !