Friday, February 26, 2010

Facebook Can Be Addictive But It's A Good Alternative To "American Idol" and "Jersey Shore"

Facebook is a fascinating site for many reasons, but for me, the ability to look up old friends from the past is invaluable. Despite some of the minor disadvantages like exposure to cyber theft and the occasional friend request from people with no vowels in their names, it is a pleasing experience.

Of course, there's always someone who posts every two minutes with the thought that their friends would be interested in knowing what they had for lunch a half hour ago or the estimated time until their next bowel movement. This is probably a good indication that they are spending way too much time on Facebook.

I'm not much into the games that are constantly touted, mainly because I'm already semi-addicted to Club Pogo. That fact, in and of itself, is time consuming. I fear that if I were to get involved with the Facebook games, I'd have to install a toilet next to my computer.

Facebook is a way for family and friends to keep in touch and I often read or see pictures of what people are doing, their family pictures and all the general nonsense that goes on in everyday life. The occasional rants and raves notwithstanding, I fine the site to be very interesting and I look forward each day to new posts.

Nascar Stock Car Racing is in Las Vegas this weekend with the Nationwide series race on Saturday afternoon at 4:30 pm (EST) on ESPN2. The Sprint Cup Series will race on Sunday afternoon beginning at 3:00 pm (EST) and will be televised on FOX.

Points leader Kevin Harvick will seek to maintain his current lead for the championship. Hopefully Sunday's race will have closer competition than the California race last Sunday. I'll be curious to see if the racing gods (and Nascar) will again give Jimmie Johnson another lucky break or if he will have to race on his own.

The News As I See It: President Obozo hosted a bipartisan healthcare summit yesterday. They met for a little more than six hours which, coincidentally, happens to be the average wait time at the emergency room, if you’re bleeding. Obozo and several others made the point that Congress uses taxpayer money to buy themselves excellent health insurance. It actually led to a plan to make everyone in the country a member of Congress, so congratulations, representatives.

About a third of the members of Congress are on Twitter, which is probably why nothing is getting done. Speaking of Twitter, there’s a new member, the Dalai Lama. Today, he got to find out what Tila Tequila had for breakfast. The Dalai Lama probably joined Twitter just to make China mad. Everything he does annoys China, it’s like he’s Ellen DeGeneres and China is Simon Cowell.

The president of Toyota, Akio Toyoda, came in from Japan to testify in front of Congress. It was kind of weird to see a car company C.E.O. appear before Congress and not ask for $10 billion. Congress stated that the company knew about the problems with the brakes years ago and were wondering why did they drag their feet? My guess is that they were trying to stop the car.

Dick Cheney, has been released from the hospital and doctors say he’ll be up and shooting lawyers in the face in no time. Doctors have given him strict instructions not to watch "Keeping Up With the Kardashians" any more. The East Coast got lambasted with up to 30 inches of snow in the last couple of days. I’m pretty sure that's God's punishment for watching "Jersey Shore."

And finally: The International Olympic Committee announced that it has taken back the gold medal previously awarded to American skier Lindsey Vonn and given it to U.S. President Barack Obama. Olympic officials said Obama deserved the medal more than Vonn because no one has ever gone downhill faster than he has.

This Date In History: 1815; Napoleon Bonaparte escaped from exile on the island of Elba. 1870; A 312-ft long pneumatic subway was opened in New York City; funding for a larger version never materialized. 1901; Leaders of the Boxer Uprising in China, Chi-hsui and Hsu Cheng-yu, were beheaded.

1919; Grand Canyon National Park was established. 1935; RADAR (Radio Detection and Ranging) was first demonstrated by Robert Watson-Watt. 1993; A bomb exploded at the World Trade Center in New York. The blast killed six people and injured more than 1,000.

Picture Of The Day: I like the picture of the computer and toilet combination, but if one is going to go that far, there should also be a refrigerator nearby. Today's pictures are a bit weird, but then, again, so am I.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Oh, give me a home, where the buffalo roam and I'll show you a house full of shit. 2) My friend told he he was going to a wild, sexy costume party next week and I asked him what costume he would wear. He told me that he's going as Abe Lincoln because his last four scores were seven years ago. 3) If a thief was being given a lie detector test and he lied, would his pants catch on fire? 4) My friend asked me that if he was going to make a parachute jump, how high should he be? I told him three days of steady drinking should do it. 5) The advantages of mother's milk are: a) It is a perfect formula for the child. b) It provides immunity against several diseases. c) It is always available as needed. d) It is always at the right temperature e) It is inexpensive. f) It bonds the child to the mother, and vice versa. g) It comes in cute containers.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Victor Hugo, writer 1802, Buffalo Bill Cody, American Plainsman 1846, Levi Strauss, entrepreneur, inventor 1829, John Harvey Kellogg, surgeon, advocate of dietary reform 1852, Johnny Cash, singer 1932, Jenny Thompson, swimmer 1973.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: The psychology teacher was lecturing his students on emotional extremes. The teacher said, "Just to establish some parameters, Robert, what is the opposite of joy?" Robert said, "Sadness?" The teacher said, "That's correct, Robert."

The teacher turned to Mike and asked, "And the opposite of depression, Michael?" Michael answered, "Elation." The teacher said, "That's right." The teacher then looked to the rear of the class where Bubba seemed to be dozing off, "And you sir, how about the opposite of woe?" Bubba replied, "I believe that would be giddyup."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt and my pal Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous Louisville horse race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the fourth grade." He replied. "No, ma'am, I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race today."

The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member).

A wise student pipes up, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?" The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with, "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, a police spokesperson said he believed the man is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

When asked to comment on the arrest, former President George "Dubya" Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

That's it for today my little glow worms. Remember, even a woodpecker owes his success to the fact that he uses his head. T.G.I.F. - I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour and a little rest and recreation. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

A Nostalgic Trip Back To The Past - Delaney Street Restaurant And Lounge

For some reason, when I come home late from partying, the world always seems to be a better place and my car always seems to run better on the way home. It also seems that it is during these times that I make the majority of my purchases from the Home Shopping Network.

In the old days, all I had to do to get home was to jump the wall behind Delaney Street Restaurant and Lounge and walk to my apartment. Nowdays, navigation home is a bit more difficult. Today's entry and the preceding Monday entry, is a pleasant trip to yesteryear and some great times. But, I digress....

In the past and in the present, late hours ofttimes moved me to make purchase on the Home Shopping Network. What is even better is the fact that when my purchased order arrived, I became excited because I had no idea what I purchased. My last purchase was a rather intelligent decision (given the time of night and my condition) as I bought a set of pots and pans. I say the purchase was rather intelligent because although the pots and pans were newer and better, I already had pots and pans.

Some of my purchases were out and out lunacy, mainly because my spiritual advisor, the Reverend Johnnie Walker Black, always wants to put in his two cents worth as to what I should purchase. In the past I have purchased a karaoke machine, camping equipment and variety of bar items and t-shirts. Although all were nice, none of the purchases were needed.

This late night behavior, while a bit eclectic, pales in comparison to Brother Kirt, whose late night party habits include the need to call to me or anyone else who's name comes to mind. Many a night I have received a phone call from BK to let me hear a song he's currently listening to or to speak to his new friend that he's just met.

I must admit that on one occasion while dating a girl from New Zealand, we did call her family after some late night partying. While this idea seemed funny at the time, the subsequent international long distance charges on my phone bill reminded me not to mix drinking and dialing......

Well, all things considered, I guess every once in a while, it's good to go out and have fun knowing full well that there's a good chance that your princess will probably have to leave at twelve o'clock lest her coach turn into a pumpkin.....

The News As I See It: For those of you who are on Facebook, you might want to read a post that I made yesterday on my original blog from AOL journals days, Jimmy's Journal - The Original . The entry is a reprint from AOL Tech discussing current scams on Facebook, including membership fees. Here's the link:
Why "We Will Not Pay For Facebook" and Gold Membership Scams Refuse To Die

This Date In History: 1582; Pope Gregory XIII issued a papal bull introducing the Gregorian calendar reform. 1803; The Supreme Court ruled in Marbury v. Madison that any act of Congress which conflicts with the Constitution is null and void. 1821; Mexico declared its independence from Spain.

1868; Andrew Johnson, 17th president of the United States, became the first president to have impeachment proceedings brought against him by the House of Representatives. 1903; The lease for Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, was signed. 1920; Adolf Hitler outlined the basic points of the Nazi party at the Hofbrauhaus in Munich.

1968; The discovery of a pulsar was announced. 1980; The U.S. hockey team defeated Finland to win the gold medal at the Lake Placid Olympics.

Picture Of The Day: It's an eclectic selection which is usually a sign that I'm late in making my entry, but, then again, what's new? I found a few more of those Delaney Street party pictures and I thought I'd add them in as well. The picture below is of my Delaney Street bartender beauties, Tania and Jackie, and the following picture is of my lovely pal, Kathy, and I circa 1998-2000.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) You're spending too much time on Facebook when you're hoping that your friends are interested in what you ate in the last half hour. 2) I am having an out of money experience. 3) Half of all Americans can't do math and the other two-thirds don't care. 4) If at first you don't succeed, try playing second base. 5) A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 months. Which room is safest for him?.....and that's five !

Birthdays: My pal Dutch - Happy Birthday girl! 19XX, Winslow Homer, American Painter 1836, Honus Wagner, baseball player 1874, Chester William Nimitz, admiral 1885, Joseph Lieberman, politician 1942, Steve Jobs, entrepreneur 1955, Paula Zahn, TV news reporter, anchor 1956, Billy Zane, actor 1966.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is?"

Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Two good ole boys were given a special SAT test to meet their admission requirements to the Military Academy. Soon after the test began the first guy turns to the second guy and asks, "Old MacDonald had a what?" The other replies, "He had a farm." The first asks, "How do you spell it?" To which the second replied, "E-I-E-I-O."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" The man replies, "No, I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" The man explains, "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me." The woman asks, "What's it telling you now?" The man answers, "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!" The man looks at his watch and says, "Damned thing must be an hour fast."

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. Oh my, I am so sorry, "the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been so incredible! The guy says, "You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" The woman replied, " just happened to catch my eye."

That's it for today my little rascals. Remember, in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos on their ass. It's time for Happy Hour in AREA 51. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, February 22, 2010

A Great Saturday Night At The Billiards Club With Nicole, Kathy And Maylen

Saturday night, I saw three of my favorite ladies at The Billiards Club in Miami Lakes. In a chance meeting, I walked into the club and, lo and behold, there sat Nicole, Kathy and Maylen, three lovely ladies who I've known for a number of years and charter members of AREA 51. Kathy had her camera with her and took a few pictures of the group.

I had originally decided to go to another AREA 51 bar, Lakes Cafe, with one of my pals just to relax and listen to the music. When we got there, only a few cars were parked outside. Since we weren't on any particular mission, we decided to go inside anyway. Outside a man stopped us and announced that there was a $10 cover charge because they had a live band. Right! We're going to pay a cover charge to listen to a band play to five customers....uh, adios!

We headed over to The Billiards Club and when I saw the girls there, I was ecstatic. We had not hung out as a group for years and it was a great reunion. Our original haunting grounds was Delaney Street in Miami Lakes and we used to spend many evenings sitting in AREA 51, laughing, dancing and singing Karaoke. Although I hang out with Nicole regularly, I had not seen Kathy for months and it had been years since I've enjoyed Maylen's company.

Saturday night, the girls looked great (as always) and it was a very special evening for me to sit and enjoy their company. It turned out to be a fun evening and although I got home around 3 am, I still beat the paperboy to the front door.

The News As I See It: Congratulations to the United States Olympic Team who now lead the competition with 24 medals (7 gold), followed by Germany with 20 medals (7 gold) and and Norway with 13 medals (5 gold).

This Date In History: 1371; Robert II succeeded to the throne of Scotland, beginning the Stuart dynasty. 1819; Spain ceded Florida to the United States. 1879; Frank Winfield Woolworth opened his first "Five Cent Store" in Utica, New York. 1924; Calvin Coolidge made the first presidential radio broadcast from the White House.

1935; Airplanes were no longer permitted to fly over the White House. 1980; In a major upset, the U.S. Olympic hockey team defeated the Soviets 4–3 at Lake Placid, N.Y.

Picture Of The Day: Saturday night at The Billiards Club and some of the pictures of the girls and I, many mango seasons ago, at Delaney Street. All of the above pictures were taken last Saturday night. The picture of Kathy and I (left) and the following pics below of (first) Kathy, Maylen and I and (second) Nicole and I, were taken somewhere in the 1990's.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 2) Geez if you believe in honkus. 3) Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains? 4) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. 5) People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.....and that's five !

Birthdays: George Washington, First American President 1732, Arthur Schopenhauer, philosopher 1788, James Russell Lowell, poet, critic, and editor 1819, Edna St. Vincent Millay, poet 1892, Edward Kennedy, U.S. Senator 1932, Jonathan Demme, director, producer, screenwriter 1944, Julius Erving, basketball player 1950, Drew Barrymore, actress 1975.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A young Jewish couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred. Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet to pee and neglected to notice that the seat was up. When she sat, she kept going! She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her.

She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour tried desperately to free her. In this process, they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs. Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem.

When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way. Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber and placed the first thing he could think of, his yarmulke skull cap, over his wife's exposed privates.

The plumber walked into the bathroom, took one long look, and commented, "Well, I think I can save your wife, buddy, but the Rabbi's a goner."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

Ma and Pa were living in Western Kentucky out on a farm up in the hills. Pa found that the hole under the outhouse was full. He went into the house and told Ma that he didn't know what to do to empty the hole. Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young man down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a college graduate."

So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him, "Mr. College graduate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it." The young man tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the shit all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole."

Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree. All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air.

Boom! Off goes the second stick of dynamite, spreading shit all over the farm. Wham! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole. Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, are you all right?" As she pulls up her panties, she says, "Yeah, but it's a good thing I didn't fart in the kitchen."

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollars out, "Pa you need to fix the outhouse!" Pa replies, "There ain't nothing wrong with the outhouse." Ma yells back, "Yes there is now git out there and fix it." Pa mosies out to the outhouse, look's around and yell's back, "There ain't nothing wrong with the outhouse!" Ma replies "Stick your head in the hole!" Pa yell's back "I ain't sticking my head in that hole!" Ma says, "Ya have to stick your head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, pa sticks his head in the hole and looks around and yells back, "Ma there ain't nothing wrong with this outhouse!" Ma hollars back, "Now, take your head out of the hole!" Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, " Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!" Ma replies "Hurt's, don't it?!

Mother Superior calls all the nuns together for an emergency meeting and says, "I must tell you all something of great importance. We have a case of gonorrhea!" A nun in the back says, "Thank God, I am so tired of Zinfandel!"

That's it for today my little tinkertoys. Remember, the best things in life are free, but unfortunately that's not the way the law sees it. More on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, February 19, 2010

Sometimes Life Is Like A Road Runner Cartoon

Tiger Woods' press conference was held today. Only select journalists were invited and no questions were taken. Essentially, we listened to him read a sterile apology from notes. Word has it that Obama offered him his teleprompter, but Tiger thought it was a bit "gauche." Tiger has apologized several times now but he needs three more to tie David Letterman's record. Personally, I was hoping he was going to announce a new batch of mistresses for 2010.

Tiger did clarify the rumor that wife Eland had attacked him on Thanksgiving and categorically denied that she hit him with a nine iron. Taking distance and windage into consideration, he thought it was either a soft eight iron or a hard seven iron.

He announced that he would be returning to rehab for further treatment for his "Problem." Then, like a script from "As The World Turns," the statement ended with Woods repeating that he was sorry and then turning to the arms of his awaiting mother, who hugged and consoled her wayward son.

I don't particularly believe that "sex addiction" is a valid syndrome. It is an excuse for being caught with your "pants on the ground" and a means to escape the wrath that is generated. In any case, I would love to see how one is "treated" for that theoretical malady.

The News As I See It: President Obozo has announced that he’s approving construction of two new nuclear reactors and George "Dubya" Bush immediately stood up and screamed, "It's nucular!" In the 2010 Olympics in Vancouver, there's a bit of a scandal in men's figure skating. Three skaters have tested positive for "fabulous."

This Date In History: 1674; The Netherlands and England signed the Peace of Westminster, by which New Amsterdam passed to the English (and was renamed New York). 1807; Aaron Burr, vice president under Thomas Jefferson, was arrested for treason. He was later acquitted.

1878; Thomas Edison patented the gramophone (phonograph). 1942; President Franklin Roosevelt signed an executive order that resulted in the internment of thousands of Japanese-Americans living on the West Coast. 1945; The U.S. Marines went ashore at Iwo Jima.

1959; Britain, Turkey, and Greece signed the agreement granting Cyprus independence. 1968; The first nationwide broadcast of Mr. Roger's Neighborhood aired on PBS.

Picture Of The Day: I thought I'd break out a few of my favorite cartoons for your dining and dancing pleasure.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Look out for #1, and don't step in #2, either. 2) Why should I waste time learning from my past when I am busy worrying about my future? 3) I would like a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. 4) The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 5) Parents spend three years teaching their kids to talk, and then spend the rest of their lives trying to get them to keep quiet.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Nicholas Copernicus, Polish Astronomer 1473, David Garrick, actor and dramatist 1717, Eddie Arcaro, jockey 1916, Carson McCullers, novelist 1917, Lee Marvin, actor 1924, Smokey Robinson, singer 1940, Amy Tan, novelist 1952.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: In a recent survey, people from Detroit have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower! The survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm Brut, show that a huge 86% of Detroit residents say they have enjoyed sex in the shower. The other 14% say they hadn't been to prison.

Two old ladies, Sunny and Tina, were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain. Tina pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. Sunny said, "What's that?" Tina replied, "A condom." Sunny said, "Where'd you get it?" Tina said, "You can get them at any pharmacy"

The next day, Sunny hobbled into the local pharmacy and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms. The guy looked at her strangely, but politely asked what brand she preferred. Sunny said, "Doesn't matter, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

A father walks into a book store with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, getting blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has aspirated the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" The woman replied, "No, I'm a divorce attorney."

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So, what'll it be?" The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not that good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful.

That is what I wish for...a good man." The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the f*cking map again."

That's it for today my little beannie weenies. Remember, as you climb the ladder of success, check occasionally to make sure it is leaning against the right wall. I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour and some Karaoke. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Gypsys, Tramps And Thieves

I'm getting fed up with listening to politicians and celebrities' various "apology" press conferences after they've done things for which the average citizen would be crucified, both financially and socially. Specifically, I refer to the various illegal activities and those always steamy extra-marital affairs that even the average person would think twice about before getting involved.

One would think that being in the public spotlight would give one the idea that engaging in illegal activities or flings would not be a good idea given the circumstances. I mean if you've got contracts worth millions of dollars, would it be wise to risk that for something like dog fighting or bedding some bimbo whore? Yet in never seems to fail that there is always some bonehead who gets caught with his "pants on the ground" and then watches as his personal and financial life goes down the porcelain receptacle (that's "toilet" for the hard of understanding).

The average person sometimes gets involved in scenarios like this as well, but the risk versus loss is not as great as one who has already made it to the top. Aside from the fact that it is immoral or illegal, just the financial loss itself would certainly make a smart person consider the risk before committing oneself. Of course, the key word being "smart person."

A minor error or an "honest mistake" are instances where consideration for pardon is justified. Blatant disregard for others with the knowledge that one can probably get away with it with a few "I'm sorrys" is not acceptable to me. As far as I'm concerned, they've made their beds, now they have to lie in them.....

The News As I See It: Presidents' Day, a day that America celebrated presidential history by enjoying a great deal on mattresses. Film director Kevin Smith (pictured left) tried to fly on Southwest Airlines and was taken off for being too heavy. They patched it up and invited him to join the "Mile-Wide Club." Let’s just say Fat Tuesday for Kevin Smith is just "Tuesday."

A 73-year-old-man in Florida who has been charged with robbing the same bank three times. In his defense, he actually only robbed the bank once, he just went back twice to use the bathroom. The "Wolfman" movie just opened. It's about a guy who is half-human, half-beast, and it has a pretty happy ending. In the end, he's elected governor of California.

Tiger Woods is scheduled to have a press conference Friday at 11:00. I can't wait to hear what shuck and jive explanations he's going to come up with for the incredible amount of times he has made a "hole-in-someone." I've got a feeling that he's going to be more tense than Jesse Jackson on Father's Day.

This Date In History: 1600; Italian philospher, alchemist, and Copernican theory advocate Giordano Bruno was burned at the stake for heresy by the Inquisition. 1801; The electoral tie between Thomas Jefferson and Aaron Burr was broken by the House of Representatives who elected Jefferson president. 1817; Baltimore became the first U.S. city lit by gas.

1864; The Confederate submarine Hunley, equipped with an explosive at the end of a protruding spar, rammed and sank the Union's ship Housatonic off the coast of Charleston, S.C. 1904; Puccini's opera Madama Butterfly premiered in Milan. 1972; President Richard Nixon left on his trip to China. 1996; Chess champion Garry Kasparov beat the IBM computer, Deep Blue, winning the six-game match.

Picture Of The Day: Fun with the presidents, past and present. I'm not saying there were all morons, thieves, crooks and liars, but there damned sure are a lot who are suspect!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Many people have heard opportunity knocking at the door, but by the time they unlocked the chain, pushed back the bolt, turned two locks, and shut off the burglar alarm, it was gone. 2) Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians. It's called Trydixagain. 3) If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what was yesterday? 4) Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery?" 5) If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Arcangelo Corelli, composer and violinist 1653, Samuel Sidney McClure, editor and publisher 1857, Thomas John Watson, Sr., industrialist and philanthropist 1874, Jim Brown, football player 1936, Michael Jordan, basketball player 1963.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Murray and Sadie were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning and Murray said, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff." Sadie said, "Now why would you want me to do something like that?" Murray said, "I figure that you would eventually remarry, and I don't want some asshole using my stuff." Sadie looked at him and said, "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"

The young reporter was interviewing a woman who had just reached her hundredth birthday and asked, "To what do you attribute your remarkable good health?" The old woman said, "Well, I've always eaten moderately, worked hard and I don't smoke or drink." The reporter asked, "Have you ever been bedridden?" The old woman replied, "Well, sure, but don't put that in your paper."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt and my pals Garnett, Robin and Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend, "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says, "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class." Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.

They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk. We think you have a medical syndrome but we couldn't agree on what ailment you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think." The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong." The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?" The old man said, "I thought it was a fart........ But I was wrong, too!"

Little Johnny was walking down the sidewalk one day and an old man was sitting on his front porch rocking back and forth in his rocking chair. The old man said, "Whatcha got there son?" Johnny said, "Got me some chicken wire." The old man said, "Whatcha gonna do with that chicken wire son?" Johnny said, "Gonna catch me some chickens!" The old man said, "You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and walked on down the street.

About a half hour later, Johnny came back passing the old man's front porch with 3 chickens entangled in the chicken wire! The old man was shocked and couldn't believe his eyes.

About a half hour later, Johnny was again walking past the old man's porch. The old man asked, "Whatcha got now son?" Johnny said, "Got me some duct tape." The old man said, "And whatcha gonna do with that duct tape?" Johnny said, "Gonna catch me some ducks!" The old man said, "You can't catch ducks with duct tape!" Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and kept on walking.

About a half hour later, back comes Johnny with 3 ducks tangled in the duct tape. Again, the old man rubbed his eyes in disbelief. About a half hour later, Johnny again was passing the porch.

The old man asked, "Whatcha got now son?" Johnny said, "Got me some pussy willow." The old man said, "Wait right there while I get my shoes!"

That's it for today my little quackers. Remember, tact is the art of making guests feel at home when that's where you wish they were. I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour! More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !