Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Rest In Peace Hadiya Pendleton

Maybe it's time for the likes of Obama and his former lackey Rahm Emanuel to spend more time cleaning up their own city before they go on to rule which type of gun law abiding citizens in America should be allowed to own. Chicago is among the major cities in shooting deaths, along with Detroit Michigan, Camden New Jersey and New York City. One of the most recent and tragic deaths happened yesterday in Chicago:

CHICAGO - Hadiya Pendleton, a 15-year-old honors student and a majorette who took part in events at President Obama's second inauguration, was shot to death in Chicago. Police say Pendleton was shot in the back Tuesday in a South Side park and died at a city hospital.

Authorities say Hadiya was one of about 12 teenagers sheltering from heavy rain under a canopy when a man jumped a fence, ran toward the group and opened fire. The man fled the scene in a vehicle. No arrests have been made.

Police do not believe Hadiya was the intended target of the shooting. A teenage boy was shot in the leg. Police did not release his name. Hadiya belonged to the King College Prep High School band, which performed at several presidential inaugural events in Washington, D.C.

It is not the gun that causes death. Rather, it is the scumbags who roam the streets carrying illegal, stolen and black market guns looking for any opportunity to steal and they do not let the presence of a mere human life stand in their way. Chicago has one of the strictest gun control laws in America, yet they are among the leaders in the nation in crime and murder (January 2013 - 42 homicides). It's time to consider the real source.

As for the few miscreants who are born with a screw loose or the dreaded hanging chad, they will exist until the end of time unless we start to monitor people's mental health..... 

The News As I See It: Obama and Hillary Clinton appeared on "60 Minutes" for their first joint interview. It was a little awkward when they both showed up wearing the same suit.

At a meeting of the Republican National Committee, Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal told the GOP to "stop being the stupid party." Then Texas Governor Rick Perry gave the rebuttal.

According to reports from a journal called Psychological Science, people eat more junk food and gain weight during tough economic times. How ironic is that? The biggest obstacle to Michele Obama's war on obesity is Barry Obama's economic policy.

This is the first Super Bowl ever where the head coaches are brothers. Jackie Harbaugh, their mother, said she would like the game to end in a tie. However, just to be safe, she's got 20 grand on the Ravens.

The Boy Scouts of America is now considering an end to its longstanding policy of banning gay scouts. Now, the Girl Scouts have a new policy during cookie season. It’s called "Don't ask, just sell."

The whole world is changing. In fact, the Olympic Committee said soon they may allow straight male figure skaters.

Women serving in the United States military will now be serving in combat. Finally there will be somebody in the tank who will stop and ask for directions.

Peter Robbins, the voice of Charlie Brown in the TV specials, was arrested for stalking. Apparently, Charlie Brown (Robbins) did not have the money to post bail. I think it's because he works for Peanuts.

Baby Alpaca
This Date In History: 1649; King Charles I of England was beheaded. 1933; Adolf Hitler was named Chancellor of Germany. 1948; Gandhi was assassinated. 1968; North Vietnamese forces launched attacks against the South Vietnamese, beginning the Tet offensive.

1972; British troops opened fire on civil rights marchers in Northern Ireland, sparking the "Bloody Sunday" massacre. 1979; The Iranian civilian government announced that the exiled Ayatollah Khomeini would be allowed to return.

Picture Of The Day: There's a story here, but if there was a spider, then it's understandable.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The best thing about telepathy is..... - I know, right? 2) I was asked if I had a date for St. Valentines Day. I suggested the 14th.... 3) People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first. 4) According to a new report, it now costs $351,000 to raise a child for 18 years. Of course, you can double that again if the kid lives in your basement until he's twenty-six. 5) If today's journal looks a bit goofy, it's because I'm wearing a pair of those Hillary Clinton double-vision glasses.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - January 30th: Loving care is something that people write on shampoo bottles. What you need is a good hard drink. A beautiful woman will turn your head today and make you wonder whether you're as committed as you ought to be.

Birthdays: My pal Tania - Happy Birthday Baby ! 19XX, Franklin D. Roosevelt, 32nd President of the United States 1882, Barbara Tuchman, historian 1912, Douglas Engelbart, inventor 1925, Gene Hackman, actor 1930, Richard Brautigan, writer 1935, Vanessa Redgrave, actress 1937, Richard Cheney, vice president of the United States 1941, Michael Dorris, American Writer 1945, Christian Bale, actor 1974.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. The coroner says to the inspector, "The first body is a Frenchman, 60, who died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile."

The Coroner says, "The second body is a twenty-five-year-old Scotsman who won a thousand pounds on the lottery and spent it all on whisky. He died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" The coroner says, "This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob is a thirty-year-old-man from Kentucky and was struck by lightning." The inspector asks, "Why is he smiling then?" The coroner replied, "He thought he was having his picture taken."

One day, Johnny was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin. Tommy said, "Bubba, where'd you git that truck?" Bubba replied, "Tammie give it to me." Johnny said, "She give it to ya? I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"

Bubba said, "Well, let me tell you what happened. We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want.' So I took the truck!"
Velvet Purple Coronet
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt for his contribution to today's stories.

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the service started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives.

Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared in front of the congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked "Aren't you afraid of me?" "Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "I been married to your sister for 48 years."

There's a new study about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are very interesting. Thirty percent of the women feel that their ass is too fat. Ten percent of the women feel that their ass is too skinny.

The remaining sixty percent say they don't care. They love him, he is a good man and they wouldn't trade him for the world. 

That's it for today, my little mockingbirds. Remember, a good discussion is like a miniskirt. Short enough to maintain interest and long enough to cover the subject. I'm off to AREA 51 for happy hour.

That's it for now. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, January 28, 2013

I Bathed My Cat Possum - It Took An Hour To Get The Fur Off Of My Tongue

I hate bathing my cat Possum because a) he's and indoor cat and doesn't get dirty and b) he's a devious little bastard when he gets a bath. Unfortunately (for me), I accidentally spilled some cat food on him and my only resort was to bathe him.

I wiped the cat food off his head and began gathering all my secret tools used to hold him still long enough to do the job. Since he's very perceptive, the tools, consisting of several towels, cat shampoo and brush, must be stealthily brought in to the kitchen. They are then placed beside the kitchen sink which serves as his bathtub.

Still oblivious to his upcoming bath, I picked him up and carried him to the kitchen. Upon seeing the "tools" aligned along the sink, he began to squirm. Alas, it was too late (for both of us) and the war began.

As he attempted to escape by clawing the formica, I turned on the tap and soaked him real well, adding shampoo with one hand while attempting to keep him pinned down with the other hand. It was at this point in time that he began his "they're trying to kill me" howl.

Once soaped and rinsed, I toweled him dry as he gave me various "I hate you" looks. Once dried, I released him and he scampered off to one of his secret hidding places to lick himself dry in the form he deemed to be more correct than my toweling.

After ten minutes of soping all the water on the counter and kitchen floor, I retired to my recliner to relax, only to have Possum jump in my lap with a "Are you still angry" look. I leaned the recliner back to "cruise control" and we took a nap.....

The News As I See It: Joe O'Biden made another one of his famous gaffes on camera, saying he was proud to be president of the United States. I guess he forgot he wasn't at home, standing in front of the bathroom mirror.

There's a photo from the Inauguration in which Former President Bill Clinton appears to be checking out Kelly Clarkson. Clinton said, "That's not true, I was checking out Beyonce and Kelly Clarkson got in the way."

Beyonce is remaining silent about charges that she lip-synched the national anthem. However, the charges are being strongly denied by a recording of Beyonce.

According to a new study as much as 81 percent of people lie on online dating websites. Researchers said they were surprised by how many people actually hate long walks on the beach at sunset.

This Date In History: 1547; King Henry VIII of England died and his nine-year-old son, Edward VI, assumed the throne. 1915; Congress passed legislation creating the U.S. Coast Guard. 1916; The first Jewish Associate Justice of the Supreme Court, Louis Brandeis, was appointed.

1986; U.S. shuttle Challenger exploded 72 seconds after lift off, killing all seven crew members aboard, including school teacher Christa McAuliffe. 1999; The creation of Element 114 is announced by scientists. 2003; In his second State of the Union Address, President Bush presents case for war with Iraq.

Picture Of The Day: There's just something about giraffes that has always fascinated me, especially in the case of this newborn calf.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present, they are due back at the library today. 2) The condensed history of a divorce: A do, I do, Adieu. 3) Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage. 4) I'm not here right now. I've gone to go look for myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait. 5) Don't count your chickens and don't blame my cat. He has an airtight alibi.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - January 28th: Everything could go wrong today, including this horoscope. Tomatoes can be your best friend - go Red for the day (This horoscope is not sponsored by Heinz or the Communist Party).

Birthdays: My pals Alfred and Skip - Happy Birthday guys ! 19XX, Sir Henry Morton Stanley, explorer 1841, William Seward Burroughs, inventor 1857, Colette, novelist 1873, Arthur Rubinstein, concert pianist 1887, John Banner, actor 1910, Roger Vadim, filmmaker 1928, Alan Alda, actor 1936, Sarah McLachlan, singer, songwriter 1968, Elijah Wood, actor 1981.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A guy was invited to an old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The guy was impressed since he knew the couple had been married almost 70 years.

While the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names." His buddy replied, "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."

A group of students were applying for medical school, but some were confused by the entrance exam. One of the questions was "Re-arrange the letters "P-N-E-S-I"  to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect. Those who spelled "spine" became doctors. The rest ended up in Congress.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Linda in Washington State for her contribution to today's stories.

A man is sitting in a bar drunk. He asks the bartender, "Where's the bathroom at?" The bartender says, "Go down the hall and make a right." All of a sudden, everybody at the bar hears this loud scream coming from the bathroom and they wonder about what's going on.

A few minutes go by, and again, everybody at the bar hears another loud scream that came out of the bathroom. This time, the bartender decides to investigate and he goes into the bathroom to see what the drunk is screaming about.

He opens the door and asks the drunk, "What's all the screaming about in here? You're scaring all my customers away." The drunk whines, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every time I flush it, something squeezes the my balls!" The bartender looks in and says, "No wonder! You're sitting on the mop bucket !"

A drunk stumbles upon a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher. I sure am."

The Preacher then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. The Preacher asks, "Have you found Jesus?" The drunk said, "No, I didn't." The Preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I did not Preacher."

The Preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My Good man, have you found Jesus yet?" The old drunk wipes his eyes and asks the Preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

That's it for today, my little night owls. Remember, don't hate yourself in the morning, sleep until noon.

That's it for now. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, January 25, 2013

Civics? Aren't They Made By Honda?

Schools in Washington, D.C., are considering taking Civics out of their curriculum. On the last administration of the National Assessment of Educational Progress in civics, in 2010, only 24 percent of high school seniors scored on the proficient level, with knowledge deficiencies in areas including the U.S. Constitution, civil rights, immigration laws, and the court system.

As for the eighth graders, less than half could identify the purpose of the Bill of Rights. When those scores came out last year, former Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor said that “we have a crisis on our hands when it comes to civics education."

If this comes to pass, it will just about round out the state of today's student education. They already are unable to read and  write correctly and they can't do basic mathematics. They know nothing of geography, including countries, U.S. states and their capitols and now, they'll have no knowledge of government.

I look forward to seeing them on the evening news either robbing convenience stores or listening to them at their future jobs as they ask, "Do you want fries with that?"

The News As I See It: Joe O'Biden made another one of his famous gaffes on camera Monday, saying he was proud to be president of the United States. I guess he forgot he wasn't at home standing in front of the bathroom mirror.

In his inaugural address, Obama praised the patriots of 1776 and said they were much better than the Patriots of last Sunday.

There's been a lot of criticism over the NFL for not hiring enough minority coaches. And, of course, the NFL is trying to spin it. They said, "What are you talking about? We got two brothers coaching the Super Bowl."

Manti Te'o recently sat down for an interview with Katie Couric. Katie asked him at what point did he know something was amiss? My guess is when he found that she wasn't a miss.

Apple has reported a drop in profits this quarter, a big drop. Experts warned that Apple could run out of money — 600 years from now.

The Pentagon has allowed women to serve in combat. Yeah, the hope is that we can now finally defeat the Taliban by giving them the silent treatment.

This Date In History: 1890; Nellie Bly bested Jules Verne's Around the World in 80 Days by completing her circumnavigation in 72 days. 1890; United Mine Workers of America was founded. 1915; Alexander Graham Bell inaugurated transcontinental telephone service.

1924; The first Winter Olympic games opened at Chamonix, France. 1961; President John F. Kennedy held the first presidential news conference carried live on radio and television. 1971; Charles Manson was found guilty of murdering Sharon Tate and six others.

Picture Of The Day: A room with a view was the first thought that came to my mind when I stumbled across this quaint picture.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Maybe we should be focusing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don't sleep in the same bed anymore. 2) I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone. 3) Couples who have been married a long time start finishing each others sentences. The most popular ending being "Shut the f*ck up!" 4) Be an optimist - at least until they start moving animals in pairs to Cape Canaveral. 5) Teach a child to be polite and courteous and when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - January 24: The light is coming closer and soon you will see exactly what the future holds with a special someone. The light is a little bit blinding though, so you might want to duck out of the way when it gets closer. This advice will be particularly useful if you happen to be in a tunnel. The sound of a train whistle may be a telling sign.

Birthdays: My friend Bruce - Happy Birthday racer ! 19XX, Joseph Louis Lagrange, mathematician and astronomer 1736, Robert Burns, poet 1759, George Edward Pickett, Confederate general 1825, W. Somerset Maugham, writer 1874, Virginia Woolf , English writer 1882, Corazon Aquino, politician 1933, Eusebio, soccer player 1942, Steve Prefontaine, runner 1951, Alicia Keys, singer, songwriter 1981, Tatiana Golovin, tennis player 1988.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A Republican was campaigning across the South and his travels took him to a rural area in the Smokey Mountains which was not known to be Republican. He stopped by a farm to do some campaigning and when the farmer learned that he was a Republican, his jaw dropped and he said, "Wait right here 'til I go get Ma. She's never seen a Republican before."

While waiting on the farmer to return, the candidate looked around to find a podium to make his speech. The only thing he could find was a large pile of manure. The farmer returned with his wife and the candidate climbed up on the mound and made his speech.

When he finished, the farmer said, "You know, that's the first time I ever heard a Republican make a speech." The candidate replied, "Well, that's the first time I ever made a Republican speech from a Democratic platform."

I hope that this will once again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the Internet, but from a mentor, and on a very personal level. My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce.

The long walks we used to take. The long drives.The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him and the advice he used to give! Much was wasted because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man.

Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when I was on 12. We were sitting in a park, watching children and their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day.

He told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family. He said, "And son, be sure you marry a woman with small hands." I asked him, "How come, Grandpa?" He smiled and said,  "It makes your pecker look bigger."

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: (Anchovies or jalapenos added to jokes upon request; your mileage may vary; no substitutions allowed).

Two good ole boys from Louisiana decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history and logic.

The guy asked, "What's logic?" The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?" The guy answered, "I sure do." The professor said, "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard." The guy said, "That's pretty good!"

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house." Impressed, the guy said, "Amazing!" The professor went on, "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." The guy says, "That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The Louisiana boy was catching on.

The professor said, "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual." The guy said, "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!" Proud of the new world opening up to him, the guy walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

His friend said, "So what classes are ya takin'?" The guy said, "Math, history, and logic!" His friend asked, "What in tarnation is logic?" The guy said, "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" His friend replied, "No." The guy said, "You're queer, ain't ya?"

A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, the dentist says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."

The man grabs the dentist's arm, "No way! I hate needles. I'm not having any shot!" So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with the gas." The man replies, "Absolutely not! It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."

So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "Here, take this pill." The man asks, "What is it?" The dentist replies, "Viagra." The man looks surprised. "Will that kill the pain?" The dentist replies, "No, but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull that tooth!"

A mother of five decides to get plastic surgery on her privates so her husband can enjoy the snugness she had in her youth. So, she heads off to the doctor for the procedure. Once the procedure is done, she wakes up to find three roses on her bed, and asks the nurse who sent them.

The nurse says, "The doctor wanted you to know he appreciates the business, so he left you a rose. Then your husband came in with a rose, stating that he can't wait to feel the results of the surgery, so he left a rose, too."

The woman asked, "What about the third rose?" The nurse replies, "Oh, that's from Ed in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for the new ears."

That's it for today, my little bitty pretty ones. Remember, there's nothing better than a good friend, except a good friend with chocolate. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

That's it for now. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Read My Lips

According to the U.S. Marine Band, Beyonce lip-synced the National Anthem at Monday's inauguration. The 31-year-old pop star wowed the crowd of about 800,000 people with her powerful rendition of the "Star-Spangled Banner." But it wasn't a live performance, according to a Marine Corps Band spokesperson, who says the band wasn't playing and Beyoncé was lip-syncing to her own voice.

As a regular practice, each piece of music scheduled for performance during the Inauguration is pre-recorded in case it's needed for extenuating circumstances such as freezing temperatures or equipment failure. In video of Beyoncé's performance, it's unclear if she was singing live along with the pre-recorded track.

Kristin Dubois, Master Sgt. of the U.S. Marine Corps Band, told ABC News on Tuesday, "We all know Beyoncé can sing an we all know the Marine Corps Band can play. We do not know why she decided to go with the pre-recorded music at the last minute."  

Dubois adds that the band performed live to accompany the other acts, including James Taylor and Kelly Clarkson, but was specifically asked not to play during Beyoncé's performance. It has confirmed that both Taylor and Clarkson indeed performed live.

Later, a higher ranking U.S. Marine Band spokeswoman said they were not "in a position to assess" and fell on their collective swords.

As a singer-musician, I can tell you that the worst fear of any performer is having to perform while "under the weather" or "out in the weather". While both James Taylor and Kelly Clarkson performed in the adverse conditions in Washington, I can appreciate the fact that Beyonce decided to rely on lip-syncing to her own recording.

The News As I See It: Manti Te'o is going through a painful experience now that everyone knows his girlfriend never existed. People are saying that he knew it was a hoax way back in early December. I just hope Manti doesn't give up on all imaginary girlfriends. Now he's gone from being the “Fightin’ Irish” to the “Lyin’ Hawaiian.”

Speaking of lyin' Hawaiians, Barry Obama was officially inaugurated on Monday in a day of celebration. Michele seemed to get a lot of attention with her new "bangs." I don't know if they're new or not, but only her wig maker really knows.

The media made a big deal out of the fact that four years ago there were twice as many people at Obama's first inauguration than there was at this one. That's because four years ago, twice as many people could afford to stay in hotels.

George Washington gave the shortest inauguration speech in history. It was only like three minutes long. Well, sure. George Washington couldn't tell a lie.

McDonald's is giving customers the option to add bacon to any order for 49 cents. Not to be outdone, Olive Garden announced that for 50 cents they will add Italian food to any order.

Kim Kardashian said that in a perfect world she would love being divorced from Kris Humphries before having Kayne West’s baby. On the other hand, in a perfect world no one would know who she is.

It's reported that if you're playing "Angry Birds", the company is tracking your location. This may seem silly to you, but it's actually how we got bin Laden."

The director of "Zero Dark Thirty" has come out against torture. The director of "Lincoln" has come out against going to the theater in 1865.

This Date In History: 1556; The deadliest earthquake on record killed 830,000 in Shansi, China. 1789; Georgetown University established in what is now Washington, DC. 1849; Elizabeth Blackwell became the first woman physician in the U.S.

1964; The 24th Amendment to the Constitution, barring poll taxes, was ratified. 1968; North Korea seized the U.S. Navy ship Pueblo (the crew was released 11 months later.) 1973; President Nixon announced that an accord had been reached to end the Vietnam War.

1989; Salvador Dali died in Spain at age 84. 2002; Wall Street Journal reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped by the National Movement for the Restoration of Pakistani Sovereignty. 2004; Bob Keeshan, "Captain Kangaroo," died at age 76.

Picture Of The Day: I'm not sure that Mom approved of this little kiss between friends, but I'm sure the puppy and the baby enjoyed the moment..... 

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I planted some bird seed. A bird came up and now I don't know what to feed it. 2) Sometimes, when I don't want my girlfriend to find something, I put it in her purse. 3) Brother Kirt bought a Japanese camera. When he takes a picture, the camera goes "Crick". 4) The weather is here, wish you were beautiful. 5) I was sitting in AREA 51 last week and I asked a lovely Oriental girl if she knew what an erection was. She said, "Of course, it's when we vote".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - January 23rd: You will be unable to avoid the animal passions that explode throughout your body today and as such, it might be best that you go home early before embarrassing yourself terribly with various moans and outbursts. Then again.....

Birthdays: Stendhal, writer 1783, Camilla Collett, novelist, essayist, and literary critic 1813, Edouard Manet, French Painter 1832, Sergei Eisenstein filmmaker 1898, Django Reinhardt, jazz musician 1910, Potter Stewart, Associate Justice 1915, Gertrude B. Elion, pharmacologist 1918, Ernie Kovacs, actor, comedian 1919, Jeanne Moreau, actress 1928, Derek Walcott, dramatist and poet 1930, Princess Caroline of Monaco, royalty 1957, Tiffani Thiessen, actor 1974.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: I just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian Border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been coming down. It is nearly waist high and is still falling.

The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

An old man, very well dressed, hair well groomed, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an attractive young lady.

The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Linda in Washington State for her contribution to today's stories.

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing."

The captain continued, "Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!" Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later, Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our VISA and MasterCard bills yet?" She responds, "No, sweetheart." Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?" "Esther says, "Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check."

Abe says, "One last thing Esther. Did you remember to send the estimated earnings check to the IRS this quarter?" Esther answers, "Oh, forgive me, Abe, I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?" Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

A man gets on a flight and he hears that the Pope is on the flight. He thinks, "Wow, what a good place to be today." So he boards and he doesn't see the Pope. He figures that maybe the other passengers were wrong.

He takes his seat and is thankful that there is an empty next to him. Just before the flight closes, on walks the Pope and sits next to him. The man thinks, "I am surely blessed. Here I am a good Catholic on a flight with the Pope sitting next to me.

The plane takes off and after a few minutes, the passengers take off their seat belts. The man looks sideways and sees the Pope reach into his bag and take out a crossword book. He thinks, "Great, not only am I blessed with the Pope next to me, but he does crosswords and so do I. Maybe he will ask for help."

The flight continues and the Pope is working his way through the puzzle. The man notices that the Pope is tapping his pencil, thinking. The Pope turns to him and asks, "I usually don't talk to others on flights, but I wonder if you can help me. " The man says, "Anything your eminence. What is it?"

The Pope says, "Do you know a four letter word for 'woman' that ends in u-n-t?" The man feels uncomfortable. He thinks and thinks. Finally he says, "The only word I can think of is aunt." The Pope turns to him and asks, "Do you have an eraser?"

That's it for today, my little doodle bugs. Remember, Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. A trip to AREA 51 for happy hour is the plan of the day.

That's it for now. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !