Saturday, July 15, 2017

The News Comes With Side Effects - Advertising

Television shows today are garbage. Networks are too cheap to pay good actors so they put on reality shows knowing they can pay next to nothing. So, I always have the news on in the background. Sadly, the TV ads are for drugs, pain relief, gas and constipation.

They advertise every drug by name so that hopefully, you ask your doctor for that particular drug in lieu of a  cheaper, generic drug. I find that the side effects far outweigh the use of the drugs. These ads are aimed at the older crowd who normally follow the news and politics more that the bubble gum crowd. Alas, advertisers target this audience with "everything hurts" advertising.

One of the best sitcoms on TV is "The Big Bang Theory". It is well written and acted. Other than that, I find most of my entertainment on reruns of Seinfeld, Friends, Two and a Half Men and Rules of Engagement. I'd rather watch reruns of a good show than the current crap the networks are hawking today.

That reminds me. I gotta go take my meds.......

The News As I See It: A new study just came out that found that breast implants can save your life if you’re shot in the chest. In a related story, the "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" just joined SEAL Team 6.

In May of this year, In May of this year, police in Detroit announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 200 pounds of heroin, 5 million in forged US banknotes and 25 trafficked prostitutes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library on Woodward Ave. Local residents were stunned. A community spokesman said, "We're all shocked! We never knew we had a library."

This Date In History: 1789; The storming and destruction of Bastille marked the beginning of the French Revolution. 1798;  Congress passed the Sedition Act, making it a crime to publish false, scandalous, or malicious writing about the U.S. government.

1881; Billy the Kid was shot by Sheriff Pat Garrett in New Mexico. 1921; In one of the most controversial cases in U.S. history, anarchists Nicola Sacco and Bartolomeo Vanzetti were convicted of two murders and sentenced to death.

1933; In Germany, all political parties except the Nazi party were outlawed. 1945; Dr. Spock's Common Sense Book of Baby and Child Care was published. 1958; A military coup overthrew the monarchy in Iraq, killing King Faisal II. General Abdul Karim Kassem becomes Iraq's leader.

Picture Of The Day: Yep !

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I hope I'm the last guy on earth. I want to see if all those women were lying to me. 2) Before Walmart, I used to have to buy a ticket to the circus to see the bearded lady. 3) My grandfather use to tell us about walking 10 miles to school. I tell my grandchildren about walking across the room to change channels on the TV. 4) People, stop editing your pics. What if you go missing? How can I find you if you look like Kaley Cuoco on Facebook but Yoda in real life? 5) I accidentally pushed my cat, Scooter, off of the bed while adjusting my blankets. Now he's sitting in the corner sadly humming a Sarah McLachlan song.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 14: Now that you're finally getting over your weekend antics, I suggest that you maintain a low profile until all of the various social sites quit running those pictures of you that seemed funny at the time. Seriously, you're not the first to wear a lampshade as a hat. Chance of romance is 17.62 percent.

Birthdays: James McNeill Whistler, painter 1834, Emmeline Pankhurst, woman suffragist 1858, Gertrude Bell, traveler, author and government official 1868, Woody Guthrie, American folk singer, guitarist and composer 1912, Gerald R. Ford, 38th President of the United States  1913, Ingmar Bergman, director 1918.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man went fishing one morning but after a short time, he ran out of worms. Then he saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bat. Knowing the snake couldn't bite him with the frog in his mouth, he grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in his bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, he grabbed his bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. The snake's eyes rolled back and he went limp.

The man released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog. A little later, he felt a nudge on my foot. It was that snake...with two more frogs.

Two guys from New Orleans were sitting around talking one afternoon. After a while the first fellow says to the second, "If I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off hunting and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The second fellow crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about that, but it sure would make us even."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Mike for his contribution to today's stories.

In light of the rising frequency of human and grizzly bear confrontations, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters and fishermen to take extra precautions and be alert for bears while in the field.

They advise that outdoorsmen wear small bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren’t expecting them and to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.

Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain lots of berries and fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in it and smell like pepper.

A woman walked into a jewelry store and bent over to look more closely at a piece of jewelry, inadvertently breaking wind. Embarrassed, she looked around to see if anyone had heard the "accident" and prayed that no salesman would come to attend her until the "fog had lifted".

Her worst fears were realized when a salesman came to assist her. Hoping that the salesman was not near at the time, she nervously asked, "Sir, exactly how much is this lovely bracelet?" The salesman responded, "Lady, if you farted when you looked at it, you're gonna shit when you hear the price."

That's it for today, my little frisbees. Remember, the easiest way to piss off a vegan is to refer to their choice of diet as an "eating disorder". I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

Stay Tuned !

Saturday, July 8, 2017

My Car Died, But I Have Options

I made through my hospital stay, then my car died. With help from Brother Kirt, Sister Jeanne and some good friends, I'm in the process of getting another car. So far, so good, right? Wrong! Sister Jeanne's car committed Hari Kari and we start over, again.

Kirt and Jeanne have very helpful as I go through this rebuilding process and it breaks my heart that Jeanne's car is broken and I can't do a damned thing to help. Both of us are currently without a car and it's driving me crazy. So, we're gathering money where we can and moving on.

Nevertheless, we'll plug on and take each day as it comes. I'll keep you posted.

The News As I See It: A company in New York City has opened what some are calling a nonalcoholic cocktail bar that creates drinks using lemons and herbal ingredients instead of alcohol. And this is cool, they’re using empty chairs instead of customers.

A new poll found that 10 percent of people post vacation photos on social media to make others jealous, and 100 percent of people click on them to see co-workers in a bathing suit.

In a recent survey, people from Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower! The survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm Brut, show that a huge 86% of Chicago residents say they have enjoyed sex in the shower. The other 14% say they hadn't been to prison.

This Date In History: 1456; Twenty-five years after her execution, Pope Calixtus III annulled the heresy charges brought against Joan of Arc.  1797; William Blount of Tennessee became the first U.S. senator to be impeached. 1846; Commodore John D. Sloat occupied Monterey and declared California annexed to the United States.

1898; The United States annexed Hawaii. 1946; Mother Frances Xavier Cabrini, who directed the establishment of hospitals, orphanages, nurseries, and schools in the U.S. and Latin America, became the first U.S. citizen to be canonized. 

1954; An Elvis Presley recording was played on the radio for the first time. 1981; President Ronald Reagan nominated Sandra Day O'Connor for the Supreme Court. 2005; 52 people were killed and hundreds injured in London when terrorists bombed subways and a bus.

Picture Of The Day: My newest ride.......

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead. 2) The first 600 years or so of heaven are just harp lessons 3) Apparently you can't just say, "Not my circus, not my monkeys," and leave your kids at the store. 4) Sometimes I'm right. Other times my girlfriend is close enough to hear what I'm saying. 5) It's good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 7th: Romantic gestures will flourish forth today from the cup of love you hold in your heart. Destiny will help you discover that you are not intended to be alone. Do not fret or languish, for chastity is curable, if detected early.

Birthdays: Joseph Jacquard, inventor 1752, Gustav Mahler, composer, conductor 1860, Marc Chagall, painter 1887,  Leroy "Satchel" Paige, American baseball player 1906Robert A. Heinlein, science-fiction writer 1907, Pierre Cardin, fashion designer  1922, Ringo Starr, musician  1940, Michelle Kwan, figure skater  1980.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the man and asks how old he is.

The old man responds, "I'm 90 years old." The woman says, "90 years old? Don't you realize you've had it?" The old man says, "Oh, sorry. How much do I owe you?"

Two old men, Saul and Hiram, are discussing the local gossip at the Shady Elm Retirement Home when eighty-year-old Sadie walks by.

Sadie says. "Hiya Boys!" The old men nod in acknowledgement and Hiram whispers to Saul, "That Sadie's a fox but she has a foul mouth. The other night she used the word 'F*ck'."

Murray said, "Sadie, that sweet old lady? When did she say that?" Hiram said, "Right after the old lady sitting next to her yelled, 'Bingo!'"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An elderly man lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died and he went to the parish priest and asked if he would say a mass for his poor departed pet.

The priest replied, "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane."

The old man said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5000 is enough to donate to them for the service?" The priest exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell right on his twitchy little nose. The bunny said, "Oh please excuse me. I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.

The snake replied, "That's perfectly all right. To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too and I didn't see you coming. By the way what kind of animal are you?" The bunny said, "Well, I really don't know. I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, you have long silky ears, a little fluffy tail and a dear twitch little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit." The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. But, by the way, what kind of animal are you?"

The snake replied that he didn't know either and the bunny agreed to examine him. When the bunny was finished the snake asked, "Well, what kind of animal am I?" The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're cold, you're slippery and you haven't any balls....... You must be a politician."

That's it for today, my little doodle bugs. Remember, it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 1 to extend your middle finger and say, "Bite me." I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

Stay Tuned !