Sunday, July 30, 2017

Useless Morons In Congress Continue To Resolve Nothing

Each day, I'm amazed at the growing number of newspaper articles, television reporters and politicians who seem to just speak totally out of their asses without any knowledge or proof. Even worse, half of America believes this garbage is true.

The fun part is when one of these morons gets cornered without crib notes or a teleprompter and they turn in to babbling idiots. One would hope they studied in college but I'm guessing that many of them graduated with a Bachelor of Arts degree, which is as useful as tits on a bull.

Most have no grasp on the English language and make fools out of themselves every time they speak, While there are dimwits in both parties,My three favorites are Maxine Waters, Debbie Wasserman Schultz and Nancy Pelosi.

I'm also not overly fond of the snarky, pseudo intellectuals whose only goals are self promotion. I sure when they go the kitchen to get a glass of water from the refrigerator, when the light hits them, they break into speech.

I don't profess to be a Rhodes Scholar, but I did pay attention in high school and college, I can defend myself well and verbally fence with best,

I.Q. tests and term limits would help solve these problems because tar and feathering them is against the law......

The News As I See It: The publisher of Hillary Clinton's upcoming memoir announced that the title of her book will be the statement "What Happened." Well, that’s the censored version.

Taco Bell announced Taco Bell announced it will begin selling a potato-rito, which is beef, cheese, potatoes, and chipotle spice wrapped in a tortilla for $1. Or, for the same nutritional value, just eat the dollar.

WebMD is being sold for $2.8 billion. The owner said he was just getting tired, but WebMD says it could either be gout, polio or scurvy.

This Date In History: 1540; King Henry VIII of England's chief minister, Thomas Cromwell, was executed and Henry married his fifth wife, Catherine Howard. 1750; The great baroque composer Johann Sebastian Bach died.  1794; Robespierre, one of the leading figures of the French Revolution, was sent to the guillotine.

1821; Peru declared its independence from Spain. 1868; The 14th Amendment to the Constitution, which established the citizenship of African Americans and guaranteed due process of law, was ratified. 1914; Austria-Hungary declared war on Serbia, precipitating the start of World War I.

1932; Herbert Hoover ordered Douglas MacArthur to evict the Bonus Marchers from their camps. 2002; Nine Pennsylvania coal miners were rescued after 77 hours of being trapped in a mine shaft.

Picture Of The Day: Poor Maxine - She's very rich on a congresswoman's salary. She'll be investigated soon.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) There is no "we" in "bacon"! 2) Monday was National Cousins Day and if you're a democrat, happy anniversary! 3) Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance? 4) Three out of four voices in my head want to sleep. The other voice wants to know if penguins have knees. 5) It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - July 28th: Dogs can be a man's best friend or a woman's best friend. They could also be a child's best friend or a cat's best friend. Actually, dogs are totally flexible.

The post office is going to be lucky for you today as a mystery package arrives for you that, for once, is neither ticking nor covered in mysterious powder.

Love will no longer be just another four-letter-word to you today as you will start to understand why birds suddenly appear every time someone nears.

Birthdays: Beatrix Potter, author  1866, Marcel Duchamp, painter 1877, Jacqueline Onassis, wife of former President John F. Kennedy and First Lady (1961-1963) 1929Bill Bradley, basketball player 1943.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A customer asked the clerk, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?" The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?" The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? 

If I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?" He continued, "If I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't." The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?" The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

Two men are talking and one man says to the other, "I went for my routine checkup today." His friend asked, "Is everything okay?" The man said, "Everything was going fine until he stuck his finger up my ass."

His friend smiled and said, "That's normal procedure." The man replied, "So you don't think I should change dentists?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo were all talking one day. Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world." Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the most disgusting person in the world." So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy, "It's official, I am the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says, "Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell ?"

About 200 dead crows were found dead near Boston and there was great concern about the possibility of "Avian Flu". They had a Bird Pathologist examine the remains of all the crows and he confirmed the problem was definitely not Avian Flu.

However, he did determine that ninety-eight percent of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks and only two percent were killed by impact with cars.

The city of Boston hired a Ornithological Behaviorist to determine why there were such disproportionate percentages for "truck versus car" kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause in very short order.

He said, "When crows eat road kill, they always post a 'look-out crow' in a nearby tree, to warn of any impending danger. His conclusion was that the lookout crow could easily say 'Cah', but he could not say 'Truck'!"

That's it for today, my little sweet peas. Remember, sixty percent of all pit bull attacks occur when tying the bandanna around its neck and putting the sunglasses on its face. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

More next week.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, July 21, 2017

On The Road Again !

With the help of Brother Kirt, Sister Jean and some dear close friends, I bought this Cadillac CTS sedan. It has a six speed transmission and the ride is awesome. My thanks to my pal, Tom, who drove me around for the last two months to run errands.

It's a six speed manual transmission and although the first cars I ever owned were manual transmissions, each car has it's own personality and I'm slowly getting used to it. The pedals are a bit too close together and they conflict with my feet a bit. The V6 engine is more than enough horsepower and the car accelerates well.

Much like my cell phone when I first bought it, I have spent the last several days learning how the car's different gadgets work. It will take some time as the car is loaded and the amenities a bit complicated.

So, as in the case of the cell phone where the only thing I could do was make and receive calls, I can drive the car and am currently learning how to program the radio...... 

The News As I See It: If anyone calls Uber any time soon, you might want to make sure it’s not a white Ford Bronco. The Nevada State Parole Board unanimously voted to grant O.J. parole. He served nine years for armed robbery.

Simpson could be released by October 1st, on which date he’ll be picked up at the Lovelock Correctional Facility via helicopter and flown directly to the set of “Dancing with the Stars.” Or “Bachelor in Paradise.” Whichever one’s in production.

Tesla Motors CEO Elon Musk claims he has gotten verbal approval to connect New York, Philadelphia, Baltimore and Washington with a high-speed train that runs in an airless tube. Meanwhile the New York City subway just introduced brand-new rotary phones.

This Date In History: 1861; Confederate forces won victory at Bull Run in the first major battle of the Civil War.  1873; The first train robbery west of the Mississippi was pulled off by Jesse James and his gang.

1925; In the "Monkey Trial," John T. Scopes was found guilty of violating Tennessee state law by teaching evolution. 1949; The U.S. Senate ratified the North Atlantic Treaty.

1970; The Aswan High Dam was opened in Egypt. 1998; Astronaut Alan Shepard died. 2002; WorldCom filed for bankruptcy, then the largest bankruptcy in U.S. history.

Picture Of The Day: My new ride is great. I can't tell you how good it feels to be back on the road.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) You're only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of your car.  2) When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my pocket and use it as a blanket. 3) Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear. They tell potential robbers that you have nothing to lose. 4) I think it's  cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos. 5) I had a cold and my doctor recommended coffee enemas. Now, I can never go back to Starbucks.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 21st: Temptation is everywhere, especially if you're willing to look everywhere for it. However, you will discover that temptation itself is not as harmful as running the streets naked shouting, "It's not my fault, I'm looking for temptation!" Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and you're gonna need some beholdin' today.

Birthdays: Jean Picard, astronomer 1620, Ernest Hemingway, American novelist and short-story writer 1899, Isaac Stern, violinist 1920, John Gardner, writer 1933, Janet Reno, U.S. Attorney General  1938, Kenneth Starr, independent counsel 1946, Garry Trudeau, political cartoonist  1948, Robin Williams, comedian 1951.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The king wanted to go fishing and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain. So the king and the queen went fishing.

On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting. The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time, I expect a huge rain storm."

The king replied, "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."

So, the king continued on his way. However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist.

Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster. The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that… it will rain."

So, the king hired the donkey. And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government. The practice is unbroken to this day. Thus, the democrat party symbol was born!

A guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. When he opens the door, he encounters two sheriff's deputies, one of whom asks if he is married and, if so, whether the deputy can see a picture of the wife. The guy says "sure" and shows him a picture of his wife.

The deputy looks carefully at the picture and then gravely says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck." The guy says, "I know, but she has a great personality, is an excellent cook and lets me play golf whenever I want to!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: One day a teacher was teaching religion, when she asked the class, "What part of your body do you think goes up to heaven first?" Two children rose their hand. One was little Johnny. Hesitant to pick on him she chose little Mary.

Mary answered, "I think your heart goes first because, that's were your emotions of love are." The teacher said, "Very interesting. Mary." Seeing no one else had their hand raised but Johnny, she finally called on him.

Johnny said, "I think your feet go up first." Confused but relieved the teacher said, "Why is that?" Johnny replied, "Once when I walked in my parents room, I saw my mom with her feet in the air saying, 'Oh God!' If it hadn't been for Dad on top of her holding her down, she'd be in heaven"

A country boy came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"

The fireman replied, "Okay! How do we get there?" The country boy says, "Aw, shucks, don’t you still have those big red trucks?"

That's it for today, my little tater tots. Remember, the location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

More next week.

Stay Tuned !

Saturday, July 15, 2017

The News Comes With Side Effects - Advertising

Television shows today are garbage. Networks are too cheap to pay good actors so they put on reality shows knowing they can pay next to nothing. So, I always have the news on in the background. Sadly, the TV ads are for drugs, pain relief, gas and constipation.

They advertise every drug by name so that hopefully, you ask your doctor for that particular drug in lieu of a  cheaper, generic drug. I find that the side effects far outweigh the use of the drugs. These ads are aimed at the older crowd who normally follow the news and politics more that the bubble gum crowd. Alas, advertisers target this audience with "everything hurts" advertising.

One of the best sitcoms on TV is "The Big Bang Theory". It is well written and acted. Other than that, I find most of my entertainment on reruns of Seinfeld, Friends, Two and a Half Men and Rules of Engagement. I'd rather watch reruns of a good show than the current crap the networks are hawking today.

That reminds me. I gotta go take my meds.......

The News As I See It: A new study just came out that found that breast implants can save your life if you’re shot in the chest. In a related story, the "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" just joined SEAL Team 6.

In May of this year, In May of this year, police in Detroit announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 200 pounds of heroin, 5 million in forged US banknotes and 25 trafficked prostitutes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library on Woodward Ave. Local residents were stunned. A community spokesman said, "We're all shocked! We never knew we had a library."

This Date In History: 1789; The storming and destruction of Bastille marked the beginning of the French Revolution. 1798;  Congress passed the Sedition Act, making it a crime to publish false, scandalous, or malicious writing about the U.S. government.

1881; Billy the Kid was shot by Sheriff Pat Garrett in New Mexico. 1921; In one of the most controversial cases in U.S. history, anarchists Nicola Sacco and Bartolomeo Vanzetti were convicted of two murders and sentenced to death.

1933; In Germany, all political parties except the Nazi party were outlawed. 1945; Dr. Spock's Common Sense Book of Baby and Child Care was published. 1958; A military coup overthrew the monarchy in Iraq, killing King Faisal II. General Abdul Karim Kassem becomes Iraq's leader.

Picture Of The Day: Yep !

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I hope I'm the last guy on earth. I want to see if all those women were lying to me. 2) Before Walmart, I used to have to buy a ticket to the circus to see the bearded lady. 3) My grandfather use to tell us about walking 10 miles to school. I tell my grandchildren about walking across the room to change channels on the TV. 4) People, stop editing your pics. What if you go missing? How can I find you if you look like Kaley Cuoco on Facebook but Yoda in real life? 5) I accidentally pushed my cat, Scooter, off of the bed while adjusting my blankets. Now he's sitting in the corner sadly humming a Sarah McLachlan song.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 14: Now that you're finally getting over your weekend antics, I suggest that you maintain a low profile until all of the various social sites quit running those pictures of you that seemed funny at the time. Seriously, you're not the first to wear a lampshade as a hat. Chance of romance is 17.62 percent.

Birthdays: James McNeill Whistler, painter 1834, Emmeline Pankhurst, woman suffragist 1858, Gertrude Bell, traveler, author and government official 1868, Woody Guthrie, American folk singer, guitarist and composer 1912, Gerald R. Ford, 38th President of the United States  1913, Ingmar Bergman, director 1918.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man went fishing one morning but after a short time, he ran out of worms. Then he saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bat. Knowing the snake couldn't bite him with the frog in his mouth, he grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in his bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, he grabbed his bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. The snake's eyes rolled back and he went limp.

The man released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog. A little later, he felt a nudge on my foot. It was that snake...with two more frogs.

Two guys from New Orleans were sitting around talking one afternoon. After a while the first fellow says to the second, "If I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off hunting and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The second fellow crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about that, but it sure would make us even."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Mike for his contribution to today's stories.

In light of the rising frequency of human and grizzly bear confrontations, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters and fishermen to take extra precautions and be alert for bears while in the field.

They advise that outdoorsmen wear small bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren’t expecting them and to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.

Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain lots of berries and fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in it and smell like pepper.

A woman walked into a jewelry store and bent over to look more closely at a piece of jewelry, inadvertently breaking wind. Embarrassed, she looked around to see if anyone had heard the "accident" and prayed that no salesman would come to attend her until the "fog had lifted".

Her worst fears were realized when a salesman came to assist her. Hoping that the salesman was not near at the time, she nervously asked, "Sir, exactly how much is this lovely bracelet?" The salesman responded, "Lady, if you farted when you looked at it, you're gonna shit when you hear the price."

That's it for today, my little frisbees. Remember, the easiest way to piss off a vegan is to refer to their choice of diet as an "eating disorder". I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

More next week.

Stay Tuned !

Saturday, July 8, 2017

My Car Died, But I Have Options

I made through my hospital stay, then my car died. With help from Brother Kirt, Sister Jeanne and some good friends, I'm in the process of getting another car. So far, so good, right? Wrong! Sister Jeanne's car committed Hari Kari and we start over, again.

Kirt and Jeanne have very helpful as I go through this rebuilding process and it breaks my heart that Jeanne's car is broken and I can't do a damned thing to help. Both of us are currently without a car and it's driving me crazy. So, we're gathering money where we can and moving on.

Nevertheless, we'll plug on and take each day as it comes. I'll keep you posted.

The News As I See It: A company in New York City has opened what some are calling a nonalcoholic cocktail bar that creates drinks using lemons and herbal ingredients instead of alcohol. And this is cool, they’re using empty chairs instead of customers.

A new poll found that 10 percent of people post vacation photos on social media to make others jealous, and 100 percent of people click on them to see co-workers in a bathing suit.

In a recent survey, people from Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower! The survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm Brut, show that a huge 86% of Chicago residents say they have enjoyed sex in the shower. The other 14% say they hadn't been to prison.

This Date In History: 1456; Twenty-five years after her execution, Pope Calixtus III annulled the heresy charges brought against Joan of Arc.  1797; William Blount of Tennessee became the first U.S. senator to be impeached. 1846; Commodore John D. Sloat occupied Monterey and declared California annexed to the United States.

1898; The United States annexed Hawaii. 1946; Mother Frances Xavier Cabrini, who directed the establishment of hospitals, orphanages, nurseries, and schools in the U.S. and Latin America, became the first U.S. citizen to be canonized. 

1954; An Elvis Presley recording was played on the radio for the first time. 1981; President Ronald Reagan nominated Sandra Day O'Connor for the Supreme Court. 2005; 52 people were killed and hundreds injured in London when terrorists bombed subways and a bus.

Picture Of The Day: My newest ride.......

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead. 2) The first 600 years or so of heaven are just harp lessons 3) Apparently you can't just say, "Not my circus, not my monkeys," and leave your kids at the store. 4) Sometimes I'm right. Other times my girlfriend is close enough to hear what I'm saying. 5) It's good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 7th: Romantic gestures will flourish forth today from the cup of love you hold in your heart. Destiny will help you discover that you are not intended to be alone. Do not fret or languish, for chastity is curable, if detected early.

Birthdays: Joseph Jacquard, inventor 1752, Gustav Mahler, composer, conductor 1860, Marc Chagall, painter 1887,  Leroy "Satchel" Paige, American baseball player 1906Robert A. Heinlein, science-fiction writer 1907, Pierre Cardin, fashion designer  1922, Ringo Starr, musician  1940, Michelle Kwan, figure skater  1980.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the man and asks how old he is.

The old man responds, "I'm 90 years old." The woman says, "90 years old? Don't you realize you've had it?" The old man says, "Oh, sorry. How much do I owe you?"

Two old men, Saul and Hiram, are discussing the local gossip at the Shady Elm Retirement Home when eighty-year-old Sadie walks by.

Sadie says. "Hiya Boys!" The old men nod in acknowledgement and Hiram whispers to Saul, "That Sadie's a fox but she has a foul mouth. The other night she used the word 'F*ck'."

Murray said, "Sadie, that sweet old lady? When did she say that?" Hiram said, "Right after the old lady sitting next to her yelled, 'Bingo!'"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An elderly man lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died and he went to the parish priest and asked if he would say a mass for his poor departed pet.

The priest replied, "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane."

The old man said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5000 is enough to donate to them for the service?" The priest exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell right on his twitchy little nose. The bunny said, "Oh please excuse me. I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.

The snake replied, "That's perfectly all right. To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too and I didn't see you coming. By the way what kind of animal are you?" The bunny said, "Well, I really don't know. I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, you have long silky ears, a little fluffy tail and a dear twitch little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit." The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. But, by the way, what kind of animal are you?"

The snake replied that he didn't know either and the bunny agreed to examine him. When the bunny was finished the snake asked, "Well, what kind of animal am I?" The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're cold, you're slippery and you haven't any balls....... You must be a politician."

That's it for today, my little doodle bugs. Remember, it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 1 to extend your middle finger and say, "Bite me." I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

More next week.

Stay Tuned !