Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Lawyers Shouldn't Appear In Their Own Commercials

I saw a TV ad from a lawyer that stated, "If you have used the XYZ drug and have been injured or have recently passed, call the law offices of....." I so wanted to call them and say, "Hey, I passed last week. Do I qualify?"

Lawyers who appear in their own commercials are either stupid or cheap (or both). Since I'm a night owl, I know each and every one of these guys and I wouldn't let them represent me on a bet.

There are two brothers who I'll call "the Icebergs" who have been running the same ad for twenty years ( and they were old then!).

And they all feel the need to point! Like Smokey the Bear's old commercials, "Only YOU can prevent forest fires!" They really need to work on these pointing gestures. Apparently, they don't watch their own commercials.

Hey, everyone has to make a living, but passing the bar exam doesn't make you an actor. Lawyers get 33 percent of the proceeds in every case and 50 percent if they go to court. They should do themselves a favor and hire an actor.....

On A Sad Note: I learned yesterday that my friend and fellow blogger Rose Sisti has passed away from cancer. Rose was a sweet and caring lady who I will miss. Rest in peace, sweet Rose.

The News As I See It: Hillary Clinton went on "Meet the Press" and Chuck Todd actually showed her a video of all the times she's flip-flopped on issues. At first Hillary said she felt bad about it, but now she says she feels OK about it.

Pope Francis wrapped up his trip to the United States and while he was in Philadelphia, the Pope visited a prison. He said he couldn't believe how dirty and overcrowded it was, then his assistant said, "This is just the Amtrak station, we haven't gotten to the prison yet."

Delta will begin opening company spas at certain airports so that employees can get a massage. And if passengers want a massage, they can just leave their keys in their pockets when they go through security.

Under Donald Trump's proposed tax plan, you won't have to pay any income taxes if you make less than $25,000 a year or if you and your spouse make under $50,000 a year. And if you capture an illegal Mexican you won't pay any taxes at all.

Whole Foods announced that it is cutting 1,500 jobs. Although Whole Foods doesn't want to call them "unemployed." They're calling them "free range employees."

A referee in a professional soccer match in Brazil pulled a gun out during a game last week because he was tired of being treated poorly by players and coaches. And then out of habit, several players fell down and pretended they had been shot.

This Date In History: 1791; Mozart's opera The Magic Flute premiered in Vienna, Austria. 1927; Babe Ruth hit his 60th home run. The record stood until Roger Maris hit 61 in 1961. Mark McGwire beat Maris's record in 1998 by hitting 70 and Barry Bonds topped this in 2001 with 73.

1938; Britain and France surrendered to Germany's demands concerning the Sudetenland, and signed the Munich Pact. 1946; Twenty-two Nazi leaders were found guilty at the Nuremberg trials.

1949; The Berlin Airlift came to an end. 1955; Actor James Dean was killed in a car crash. 1966; Botswana gained its independence from Great Britain.

Picture Of The Day: Yep......

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I have done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they also provide clues. 2) My friend's uncle was found wandering aimlessly in the shoe department at Sears. He's glad because his uncle wore Crocs to his wedding in 2006. 3) A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos. 4) My favorite part of our romantic date was when she told me that she wanted to have my kids. Then I gave them to her, all 3 of them.  5) Apparently, women only enjoy a nice romantic breakfast in bed when they know how you got into their house..and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - September 30th: Vegetables have always made you think naughty thoughts, so please bear in mind that any visits to the produce section of the grocery store may prove embarrassing. Chew the cud with some friends today. Their inane chatter may amuse you. Chance of romance is 47 percent and possibly higher if your trip to the grocery store works out.

Birthdays: Hans Geiger, physicist 1882, David Oistrakh, violinist 1908, Lester Maddox, public official 1915, Truman Capote, novelist 1924, Martina Hingis, tennis player 1980.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The party was really rocking when the host asked a very attractive blonde if she would like another drink. The sexy blonde bowed her head slightly and said, "No thank you. My husband limits me to one drink."

With that, the host asked, "Why is that?" The blonde coyly replied, "Because after one drink I can feel it and after two drinks, anyone can!"

A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night. The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred, "I would die for you!"

The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, "How many times?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: On a train from London to Manchester, a man was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

The man said, "You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"

The Englishman said, "Very sporting of your mother."

A Polish man was walking down the street, carrying a brown paper bag. He ran into one of his friends, who asked, "Hey! What do you have in the bag?" The man tells his friend that he has some fish in the bag.

His friend says, "Well, I'll make you a bet. If I can guess how many fish you have in the bag, you'll have to give me one." The man says, "I'll go you one better. If you tell me how many fish I have in this bag, I'll give you both of them."

That's it for today, my little roadrunners. Remember, the best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More on Friday.

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Monday, September 28, 2015

(Red) Moon Over Miami

Like most most lunar / solar events, I missed the Supermoon. I had every intention to watch it, but I was exhausted after racing in the Nascar New Hampshire 300, switching occasionally to the Miami Dolphin game to assure that Miami was still playing like my high school football team.

The Supermoon phenomenon occurs when the moon is full at its perigee - the closest part of its orbit around Earth (226,000 miles), meaning it appears larger in the sky. And those lucky to be in North America, South America, West Africa and Western Europe could also enjoy the blood moon as a total lunar eclipse also occurred.

Yep, after the Nascar race and a few Coronas, my recliner just slipped back into cruise control and I woke up a 2 am. 

Fret not, my little stargazers. For those that missed it, the next Supermoon eclipse is due in 2033 and I've already circled my calendar.

The News As I See It: House Speaker John Boehner announced that he is resigning from Congress. When he heard Congress lost Boehner, John McCain said, “Oh I got a little blue pill for that.' "No, Boehner. We lost House Speaker Boehner!" It's pronounced Bay-ner.

Traffic was really backed up in New York City because of the Pope's visit, but a company called Blade offered $95 helicopter rides around the city. Even the Pope said, "I believe in God, but not enough to take a $95 helicopter ride."

In New York, everyone's ecstatic about a visitor to these shores that is inspiring millions to weep tears of joy and devotion. I speak, of course, of the new iPhone 6s. This afternoon, iPhone fans lined up at the Apple Store as the Catholic faithful lined up to see the Pope's procession through Central Park. It was hard to decide which object of worship you should line up for. I mean, they're both pretty special, and both available in a protective case. I just don't understand why the Holy Father still only comes in white.

This Date In History: 1542; Portuguese explorer Juan Rodríguez Cabrillo arrived at present-day San Diego. 1781; The closing campaign of the American Revolution at Yorktown Heights, Va. began.

1920; Eight Chicago White Sox players were indicted for fixing the 1919 World Series in the "Black Sox scandal." 1924; Two U.S. Army planes landed in Seattle after completing the first round-the-world-flight in 175 days.

1939; A German-Soviet agreement divided Poland between Nazi Germany and the USSR. 1967; Walter Washington became the first mayor of the District of Columbia. 1972; Japan and Communist China agreed to re-establish diplomatic relations.

1989; Former Philippine President Ferdinand E. Marcos died in exile in Hawaii. 1991; Jazz great Miles Davis died. 2003; Althea Gibson, the first African-American tennis player to win at Wimbledon, died.

Picture Of The Day: Selfies can be dangerous.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I knew I was drunk Saturday night when I realized I cooked my pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees. 2) I miss the old days when I could say I wasn't around and you couldn't check Facebook  to see if I was lying. 3) It's been 20 years since I've worn a watch. Coincidentally, I haven't poured my drink on the floor when asked for the time in 20 years. 4) You know those movie scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table, throws a woman on top and does her? I did that once with a pizza. 5) I shouted "Run, Forrest, run", but the trees just stood there, frozen with fear. In the end, the flames consumed them all......except for Crazy Larry and Wild Root Cream Oil Charlie.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - September 28th: When faced with life's problems, you generally prefer to stride in with both boots kicking. However, today's "life problem" is that you will step in dog shit. No chance of romance with your boots in that condition.

Birthdays: Michelangelo Caravaggio, Italian painter, (est) 1573, Georges Clemenceau, political figure 1841, Avery Brundage, sports executive 1887, Ed Sullivan, television personality 1901, Al Capp, cartoonist 1909, Alice Marble, tennis player 1913, Marcello Mastroianni, actor 1924, Brigitte Bardot actress 1934.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An attractive young lady, who thought she was overweight, went to see a dietitian. She walked into his office and asked several questions about dieting, exercise and other things.

Her final question to the dietitian sparked interest in him. She asked,"How many calories are in sperm?" The dietitian asked, "Why?" She explained some of the things she liked to do.

After thinking a minute, he said,"I really have no clue, but if you are doing that, no guy is going to care if you are a little chunky!"

Three men are traveling in the Amazon - a German, an American and a Mexican. Suddenly, they get captured by some Amazons.

The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?" The German responds, "I will take oil!"

So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back and he can hardly move.

The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?" The Mexican says, "I will take nothing! He stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.

The Amazons ask the American, "What will you take on your back?" The American responds, "I'll take the Mexican."

Matt Kenseth Wins Nascar New Hampshire race

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood, knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that." The man said, "There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

The man said, "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question." The priest asked, "And what is that, my son?" The man said, "Should I tell her the war is over?"

A rich Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl and traditional locks of hair. He doesn't have to be Einstein to know this guy is Jewish.

So he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Jew over there."

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says "thank you" in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the Arab.

He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew. As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He continues to smile, and again yells, "thank you."

The Arab asks the bartender: "What's the matter with that Jew? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all he does is smile and thank me." The bartender replies, "He owns the place."

That's it for today, my little monkey shines. Remember, you know you're getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

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More on Wednesday.

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Friday, September 25, 2015

The Associated Press - Now More Politically Correct?

The Associated Press updated its global warming entry on Tuesday saying, in essence, "Climate change skeptics" will no longer be considered to be politically correct. They will now be known as "climate change doubters".

According to a memo, the AP wrote, "We are adding a brief description of those who don’t accept climate science or dispute the world is warming from man-made forces. Our guidance is to use "climate change doubters" or "those who reject mainstream climate science" and to avoid the use of skeptics or deniers.

On another note, people who overly strive to be politically correct will continue to be referred to as "assholes."

The News As I See It: Twitter has created a bunch of special hashtags to honor the Pope, proving once and for all that Twitter doesn't really know the meaning of the word "honor."

Obama gave Pope Francis a sculpture of an ascending dove made with pieces of the Statue of Liberty and wood taken from the White House lawn, as well as a key to the house of the first American-born saint. The Pope said, "Oh, I didn’t get you anything" and quietly put a $40 Starbucks gift card back in his pocket.

Tuesday was Yom Kippur. Jews all over the country honored the day by staying home and watching the Pope on television.

Chris Christie has reportedly ordered the commander of the state National Guard to lose weight. That is how you put the hippo in hypocrite.

This Date In History: 1775; Ethan Allen was captured by the British. 1789; The first Congress adopted 12 amendments to the Constitution and sent them to the states for ratification. The first ten became the Bill of Rights. 1890; Wilford Woodruff, president of the Mormon church, renounced the practice of polygamy. This paved the way for Utah's acceptance as a state in 1896.

1915; Rebecca Elizabeth Dozier (my mom) was born. Happy Birthday mom! 1957; Nine black teenagers, now known as the Little Rock Nine, challenged racial segregation by attending the all-white Central High School in Little Rock, Arkansas.

1957; Nine black children were escorted to Central High School in Little Rock, Arkansas, under heavily armed guard, because of racial violence. 1981; Sandra Day O'Connor was sworn in as the first female justice on the Supreme Court.

2003; It was reported that more than 14,000 had lost their lives in France in a summer heat wave. 2011; King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia grants women the right to vote and run for office in future elections.

Picture Of The Day: The popemobile moves down the streets of New York City.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. "This food tastes bland. Let's see if I can improve it by adding some rocks." 2) Stewardess: "Secure your mask before helping your kids. If you have more than one, pick the one with the highest earning potential first." 3) Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I've got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens. 4) I find it amazing how popular baby Jesus was able to become without his mother ever posting a single picture of him on Facebook. 5) It came to my attention one weekend night when I had been drinking that I would really appreciate a light switch on the floor.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - September 25th: Your marital status may change this week, either due to a divorce or possibly just a typing error on your Obamacare application. Either way, love is in the cards for you.

Birthdays: Claude Perrault, architect, scientist, and physician 1613, William Faulkner, American novelist 1897, Mark Rothko, painter 1903, Dmitri Shostakovich, composer 1906, Sir Colin Davis, conductor 1927, Barbara Walters, TV commentator 1931, Glenn Gould, pianist and composer 1932, Michael Douglas, actor 1944, Christopher Reeve actor, director 1952, Heather Locklear, actress 1961, Catherine Zeta-Jones, actress 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!" God answers, "What's the problem, Eve?" Eve says, "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."

From above, the Lord asked, "Why is that Eve?" Eve said, "Lord, I'm lonely and I'm sick to death of apples." The Lord replied, "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

Eve asked, "What's a 'man', Lord?" The Lord said, "A man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathise or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time."

The lord continued, "But, he'll be bigger, faster and more muscular than you. He'll also need your advice to think properly. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about, hunting fleet-footed animals and not altogether bad in the sack."

Eve says, "Sounds great, my Lord." The lord said, "Well, you can have him on one condition." Eve answered, "What's that, Lord?" The Lord smiled and said, "You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc.

So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher and waited for a response.

The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny said, "Well, every morning, my mother gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells, 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An American and a Russian were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished." The American nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the American and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the American collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you get out of that hold?" The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."

The trainer exclaimed, "So, that's what finished him off?" The American replied, "Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls."

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in El Paso, Texas, while awaiting their respective flights. One is an American Indian, another is a Texas cowboy and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived in the U.S. from the Middle East. Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures.

Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing, but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow, leans forward and says, "Once my people were few and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and, from the darkness beneath his Stetson, says in a smooth drawl, "That's because we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but it's coming."

That's it for today, my little peacocks. Remember, men that know the difference between moist and wet, know the difference between failure and success. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Same Game - Different Generation

Brother Kirt posted an interesting observation about expressions and it rang a bell. Have you ever been in the company of younger people and said something like, "Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle", "Groovy" or "That's the Cat's meow".

Few people today remember what "Carters Little Liver pills" or the "Passion Pits" were. Expressions like "cutting a rug", "juke joint" and "necking and petting" are just phrases that make the younger generation stare at you in bewilderment.

These traditional expressions wane over the years and back in the day, we stared at our parents with the same bewilderment. Moreover, as the new generation propagate, they too will see that same look on their children's face when the time comes.

Heavens to Betsy! Back in the day we were in like Flynn and living the life of Riley. But KIilroy and Elvis have left the building and new expressions will reign....for a while.

On A Sad Note: Baseball great and Hall of Famer Yogi Berra passed away last night from natural cuses. He was 90 years old. Rest in peace Yogi. 

The News As I See It: Pope Francis arrived in Washington, D.C., today. Obama actually picked him up at the airport. When asked how the Pope will get back to the airport, Obama was like, "Uber? I don't know. It's not my problem." Yep, Obama picked up Pope Francis at the airport. Because what better way to alleviate the traffic the Pope is about to cause than sending out a presidential motorcade?

The trip to Washington, has actually been very educational for the Pope. You know, because he's only ever read about purgatory.

Top congressional leaders sent a statement to the House and Senate with guidelines for Pope Francis' visit, including a request to not shake his hand. Apparently, they're worried that if politicians touch the Pope they'll burst into flames. In addition to the “no shaking hands,” Congress was given a lot of rules about the Pope's visit. First, there’s "Don't fake-sneeze just to get an easy blessing out of the Pope."

In San Diego, a 100-year-old man set five world records at a track meet. He set a record in the 50-meter dash, the 800-meter run and the 100-meter wander off.

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker has dropped out of the presidential race. He said he felt he was sent a message telling him to try and reduce the Republicam field. The message was from his finacial backers who told him, "We're out of money!" In related news, a tree fell in a forest.

This Date In History: 1779; John Paul Jones declared, "I have not yet begun to fight!" aboard the American warship Bonhomme Richard in the battle against the British man-of-war Serapis.

1806; After a three-year journey to the Pacific Northwest, the Lewis and Clark expedition returned to St. Louis. 1846; German astronomer Johann Gottfried Galle discovered the planet Neptune.

1939; Sigmund Freud, the founder of psychoanalysis, died in London. 1952; Vice presidential candidate Richard Nixon delivered his "Checkers speech" rebutting charges of improper campaign financing.

1973; Former Argentine president Juan Perón returned to power. 2011; Palestinian president Mahmoud Abbas officially requests a bid for statehood at the UN Security Council.

Picture Of The Day: Pope Francis is America.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I wonder what kind of paperwork would I need to fill out to get a permit to set my neighbor's children free in the wild? 2) The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to my face tells me I probably wouldn't be of much use in bar fight. 3) Don't you just love it when you find out that your Ex got fat? 4) As my car spun uncontrollably through a crowd of people, my Korean friend screamed, "Hit the Blakes !" I screamed, "I Can't Be That Selective !" 5) When asked to help the kids as to my theory on Amelia Earhart's disappearance I said, "Maybe she went Black" and now I don't have to help the with homework any more.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 23rd: Watch out for overweight dogs when it's raining. Oil in your lamp may keep you burning till the break of day or it could spill over and set fire to your new shoes. The odds are on your side today, so don't be afraid to experiment.

Birthdays: Euripides, Greek tragic dramatist, ranking with Aeschylus and Sophocles. 480 or 485 B.C., Augustus, Roman emperor 63 B.C. William Holmes McGuffey, educator 1800, Mary Eliza Church Terrell, activist 1863, Walter Lippmann, essayist and editor 1889, Harriet Hardy, physician 1906, Mickey Rooney, actor 1920, John Coltrane, jazz musician 1926, Ray Charles, singer, musician 1930, Bruce Springsteen, singer 1949.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He said he knows you!"

A young man is vacationing alone in Hawaii. He hits the beach, hoping to meet some young ladies. Much to his surprise, they all seem to be drawn to an old guy a little further down the shoreline. The young man goes back to the hotel, hoping for better luck that night in a night-club.

At the club, he sees the same old man, surrounded by beautiful women. He pulls the old guy aside, and asks, " Man, what's your secret?" The old man replies, "I saw you on the beach today and I felt sorry for you. So I'll give you a tip. Try putting a pair of socks down your trunks."

The young man is thankful for the advice and can't wait for the next day to try his luck again.

The next morning he goes out to the beach again, with a clean pair of socks neatly tucked into his trunks. But the girls only smile at him and move on. He then sees the old man again, completely surrounded by beautiful women.

That night, he finds the old man again and asks for more help. The wise old man responds with another fine tip, "Next time son, put the socks in the front of your trunks."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?' The first man replied, "A thought. It just pops into your head. There's no warning." The interviewer responded, "That's very good!"

The interviewer asked the second man, "And, now you sir?" The second man said, "A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of." The interviewer said, "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliche for speed."

He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. He said, "It's hard to beat the speed of light."

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Bubba replied, "After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea." The interviewer was stunned by the response.

Bubba went on, "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could think, blink or turn on the light, I shit my pants."

Bubba is now the new greeter at the local Wal-Mart!

A Texas cowboy and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning. The clerk says, "Congratulations!" Looking at the cowboy, he asks, "Would you like the bridal then?" The cowboy says, "Naw, thanks, I reckon I'll just hold her by the ears 'til she gets the hang of it."

That's it for today, my little chicklets. Remember, serendipity is looking in a haystack for a needle and discovering the farmer's daughter. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, September 21, 2015

TSA Accepted Costco Cards As Identification?

Reports say TSA accepted a Costo card as identification. Peachy! A card that can be purchased by anyone for $50 is sure to keep us safe. What kind of world will we leave Keith Richards with imbecile government decisions like this?

On another note, Liberals are going apeshit because a 14-year-old Muslim boy was stopped for carrying a homemade clock to school. Uh.....why do you think school officials got nervous? I mean it's not like Islamic extremists ever blew up the Twin Towers or set off home-made bombs at the Boston Marathon.

Get real, people! The next time a suspicious or ticking package is found in public, let's have the children of a bleeding heart Liberal investigate and disarm it.

Meanwhile, Obama, in his infinite wisdom (or lack thereof) has invited the lad to the White House, This is the same Obama who invited the parents of Army deserter Bowe Bergdahl to the White house. Anyone see a theme here?

No word yet as to when Obama will invite the families of fallen soldiers and police officers to the White House. No tweets or podium remarks, nothing.....

The News As I See It: Doritos announced that they will be rolling out new Pride Flag-inspired rainbow-colored tortilla chips. In other news, Obama nominated an openly gay civilian to be the next Secretary of the Army. Coincidence or did I notice Obama clinging to a a bag of Doritos during the announcement.

Democratic presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders will be featured on the cover of Time Magazine this week. It’s part of their new cover series “People Who Still Read Time Magazine.”

The FEC does not let candidate names appear in the title of a Super PAC, Carly Fiorina’s organization has started claiming its name CARLY for America is an acronym that stands for Conservative, Authentic, Responsive Leadership for You and for America. And I think that shows her campaign is full of Strategic, Honorable, and Interesting Tactics.

People are getting excited about the pope’s upcoming visit. In fact, I read that a priest in Pennsylvania plans to show off a 500-thousand-piece Lego model of the Vatican that took him two years to build. Well, there's one priest whose vow of celibacy will never be questioned.

This Date In History: 1792; The French National Convention voted to abolish the monarchy. 1897; The New York Sun published its famous editorial, "Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus."

1937; The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkein was first published. 1938; A hurricane struck New York and New England with extensive damage and more than 600 deaths. 1949; The People's Republic of China was proclaimed.

1964; Malta gained its independence from Great Britain. 1981; Belize gained its independence from Great Britain. 1996; John F. Kennedy, Jr., married Carolyn Bessette.

Picture Of The Day: Say what.........?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I got new neighbors today. I hope they like my music as much as the last 5 families did. 2) I think that you should substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows, verbatim. 3) Sex Education should require people to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours and watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again. 4) Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza. 5) Wow man, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 21st: Love comes when you least expect it. 36 percent of all romances start in the bathroom. These two facts are linked and we point them out for your amusement and as something to look forward to. They say that every day is a winding road. This is especially true for you today when you find your new love walking down a winding road.

Birthdays: Heike Kamerlingh Onnes. physicist 1853, Herbert George Wells (H. G. Wells), English author 1866, Henry Lewis Stimson,  statesman 1867, Larry Hagman, actor 1931, Stephen King, author 1947, Bill Murray actor, screenwriter, comedian 1950.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Dottie and Edna, two older widows, are talking. Dottie says, "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.? I know you went out with him last week and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna replied, "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment dressed in a fine suit and he brings me beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs and what's there, but a limousine. He takes me out for a champagne and lobster dinner. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dottie, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!"

Edna continued, "Then, we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an animal. He tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Dottie says, "Goodness gracious! So you're telling me I shouldn't go out with him?" Edna answered "No, I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

A guy was in a bar about as drunk as it's possible to get. A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home.

First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down. He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.

After they get to his house, They pull him out of the car, falls again, they drag him to the front door, he falls down another four times at the door.

His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband home." The wife says, "Thank you so much. Where's his wheelchair?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road, the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket." The teacher said, "Very good, Joe."

Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched." The teacher, very pleased with the response so far said, "That's good too, Mary."

Then it was Barney's turn to tell his story. He said, "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen. She was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete." The teacher, intrigued, said "Go on."

Barney continued, "Aunt Karen drank the whisky on the way down to prepare herself, then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

The teacher exclaimed, "Good heavens, what did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?" Little Barney replied, "There sure was! Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking!"

A man and woman were having sexual problems and she asked him to see his doctor. The man said to his doctor, "I'm having trouble getting aroused."

The doctor examines him and says, "You'll need to have some work done to bring back your sex drive. I can do it in a series of operations that will take thirty days and cost twelve thousand dollars or I can do it in one operation right away that would cost thirty thousand dollars. Why don't you go home and discuss it with your wife?"

The next day the guy comes back into the doctor's office. The doctor says, "Did you talk it over with your wide?" The man nods is head. The doctor asks, "What did you decide?" The man says, "We're going to re-model the kitchen."

That's it for today, my little whippoorwills. Remember, much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.

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More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !