Friday, October 30, 2009

Happy Halloween

Halloween is tomorrow and I always enjoy seeing the little kids dressed in their costumes. I'm referring to the wee, little ones, three to seven or eight years old. Half of those kids, at that age, have no idea what's going on but they soon learn to equate Halloween with free candy. The adults, on the other hand, are something else. One of the top selling costumes this Halloween is a vampire version of President Obama called "Blackula." Also very popular is the vampire version of former Vice President Dick Cheney, called "Dick Cheney."

Last Saturday, I went to one of the local AREA 51 watering holes having no idea that the were having a Halloween party. Most of the women were exquisite but the men's costumes were really lame. It's bad enough that they even dressed in costumes but you would hope they might have had a little imagination.

We used to have Halloween parties when I was married, but I hate to wear costumes. My wife complained so much that eventually, I figured out a way to wear a costume without wearing a costume. Since I like to dress in dark colors, I wore black pants and a black shirt and fashioned a white collar out of the box where I bought the shirt. I put on a grey suede jacket, et voila, "Father Jimmy." This ruse proved rather useful after my divorce as I wore that costume to many Halloween parties and "saved" many females.

At one of our Halloween parties, someone spilled something on the floor. My ex-mother-in-law came into the kitchen and asked "Where is the broom?" I said, "Why? Are you leaving?" She didn't get it but my ex-wife did, which is probably one of the many reasons I am divorced.

The News As I See It: The University of Chicago wants to house the Barack Obama Presidential Library. It will be just like George W. Bush’s library, except it will have books. Bush gave a motivational speech in Florida yesterday. He spoke for a half-hour and said he hoped his words were “inspirationistic.” Bush is really good at motivating. Last year he motivated everyone to vote for Obama. Police in Dallas stand accused of giving traffic tickets to motorists who did not speak English. If they did that in California they could balance the state budget in a week.

President Obama has approved a new plan to pay members of the Taliban to switch sides and support the United States. In a related story, 10 million unemployed Americans just joined the Taliban. Former President George W. Bush is going to India tomorrow to give a speech. The speech will be entitled, “Hey, Which of You Snake-Charmers Is Gonna Fix My Computer?”

The Swine Flu scare is an easy excuse for cunning students with a little sense. The fact is that more people die from the common flu than the Swine Flu, but if I was a teenager, I'd be oinking like there's no tomorrow on those cold school days that are passed much easier in bed.

Is That A Ferret In Your Pants Or Are You Just Happy To See Me? It's one thing for shoplifters to hide plunder in their pants. But a live ferret? Police say a homeless man in Jacksonville Beach, Florida did just that. And he made it out the door before being challenged.

Thirty-eight-year-old Rodney Bolton is charged with theft over the $129 animal that police say he took from a pet store in Jacksonville Beach. A 17-year-old witness confronted Bolton in the parking lot and was bitten by the animal after the man allegedly shoved it in the teen's face. That confrontation makes the ferret a "special weapon" under Florida law, so Bolton also faces battery charges for dangerously wielding a ferret.

I would like to sincerely thank all of my readers for their kind words and comments about my nephew, Jonathan Sullivan. His parents, brothers and sisters, and all of our families are deeply touched by your kind response.

This Date In History: 1831; Escaped slave Nat Turner is apprehended in Southampton County, Virginia, several weeks after leading the bloodiest slave uprising in American history. 1925; In his London laboratory, John Logie Baird transmits the first-ever television pictures of a moving image.

1938; Orson Welles stirs panic across the United States of America with his War of the Worlds radio dramatization. 1961; At the Novaya Zemlya archipelago, the Soviet Union detonates a 58-megaton thermonuclear bomb, which at about 2,900 times the size of the atomic bomb dropped on Hiroshima in 1945 is the largest-ever nuclear weapon to be tested.

Picture Of The Day: Halloween pictures are always fun and this Halloween is no exception. There were so many good Pictures available that I'm going to post some more on my other blog. "Jimmy's Journal - The Original." You can find the link on my sidebar. If. by chance they're not yet posted, stop by a little later.

I'm not sure of who the top picture is supposed to be but it did remind me that I haven't gotten my tickets to Michael Jackson's documentary yet.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) They say now is is healthier to sneeze into your elbow to avoid spreading the Swine flu virus. That may be true but it's going to wipe out Square dancing across America! 2) Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh. 3) Believe it or not, the hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread. 4) Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have Obama, no Cash and no Hope. 5) If you think you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.....and that's five !

Birthdays: John Adams, 2nd president of the United States 1735, Ezra Pound, American avant-garde poet, critic, and translator, who exerted an enormous influence on the development of English and American poetry and criticism in the early 20th century 1885, Peter Warlock, composer, critic, editor, and writer 1894, Louis Malle, French film director 1932.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time decided to dress up and go out. The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon between her legs. When she came out, the old man cried, "You can't go out like that!" She said, "I can go anyway I like and so can you."

Whereupon he retired to the bedroom and came out stark raving naked with a potato tied to his tallywhacker. The old woman says, you're going out like that?" The old man replies, "Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a dick-tator."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Anne, Garnett and Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time.

Then, halfway through the lecture, he began."They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. The Professor said, "Young ladies, the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." The young man replied indignantly, "Sir, I'm a college graduate." The manager replied, "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that. Here, give me the broom and I'll show you how."

Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, "Were did you get that?" The parrot says, "Chicago, they're all over the place."

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night. Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.

Sitting up straight, now embarrassed that everyone in the place heard her, she turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!" The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"

A woman was in a coffee shop when she suddenly realized she desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so she timed her farts with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, she started to feel better. As she finished her coffee that she noticed that everybody was staring at her. It was then that she remembered that she was listening to her iPod.

That's it for today my little pumpkins. Remember, if you really love someone, throw the ball and say "Fetch!" There are Halloween parties galore tonight and I think "Father Jimmy" may have to investigate the flock in AREA 51 tonight. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

In Memory Of My Nephew Jonathan Sullivan

Today is the sixth anniversary of the death of my nephew, Jonathan. It seems like just yesterday that my father, Jonathan, his father Kirt and I, were sitting in my father's living room and shooting the bull. Little Joe, as we called him, was just a toddler then.

Time passed, as time is wont to do and all the kids grew up. Through thick and thin, divorces and the inevitable changes that all families go through, all of the children became healthy adults. Jonathan joined the United States Navy, serving his country like his father and grandfather before him.

Then, I received a phone call one morning from Brother Kirt. He called to tell me that Jonathan had died. A feeling of complete numbness went over my body and I listened while my brother explained the details of Jonathon's death. It felt almost unreal that Jonathan had died. Other than older family members that are taken over time, none of our children or relatives had ever died young.

Sister Jeanne and I drove up to Kirt's home to be with the family and attended the funeral. I was pleased to see all the family and friends that attended the funeral and it made me feel good inside that Jonathan was loved and cared for by so many.

I will reflect today on Jonathn's brief life and be thankful that all my family and especially my children, nieces and nephews are here to enjoy life. My sincere wishes for a wonderful and caring day for Brother Kirt, Jonathan's mother Janet, sisters Sommer, Ashley and Kimberly, and his brothers, Billy and Chance. Rest In Peace, JoJo.

The News As I See It: The Prez has been criticized for only playing sports with other men. Yesterday, he played golf with one of his top female advisers or as Fox News reported it, "Obama plays a round with another woman." Obama has played more golf in nine months than George Bush played in nearly three years. Bush's handicap is 19. Obama's handicap is Joe Biden.

The White House announced that the government wants to give every senior citizen $250 next year. This is part of his "Cash for Geezers" program." If you're a senior citizen working on Wall Street, then you get $250 thousand. The balloon hoax is still in the news. Usually when there's a hoax involving a balloon, it's some kind of Countrywide Mortgage scam.

Prosecutors in New York City have filed charges against a man they claim scammed dozens of illegal aliens by posing as an immigration lawyer. They say this guy lied to his clients, gave them bad advice and stole their money. Hmm, I don't know, sounds like a real lawyer to me. The ASPCA has now released a list of guidelines and tips if you’re going to dress your pet up in a costume for Halloween. The first tip is, “Get a life.”

Donald Trump’s daughter was married last week at one of her father’s golf courses, and she converted to Orthodox Judaism. Of course, as soon as she became Jewish, she was kicked off the golf course. The Congressional attitude about Obamacare is: To see if your health insurance can save your life or just make it a little better, we need to know if you're a government politician or a common taxpayer.

This Date In History: 1636; The college that would later be known as Harvard University is founded by an act of the General Court of Massachusetts Bay Colony. 1886; The Statue of Liberty is formally dedicated by President Grover Cleveland. 1919; US Congress passes the National Prohibition Act, or Volstead Act, despite President Woodrow Wilson's veto of the previous day, introducing Prohibition.

1962; The Cuban Missile Crisis ends as Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev announces his government's intent to dismantle and remove all offensive Soviet weapons from Cuba. 1998; Poet Laureate Ted Hughes dies at his home in Devon aged 68.

Picture Of The Day: A chimpanzee named Dorothy recently died of natural causes. Dorothy was in her late 40s, which is well into retirement age for a chimp, when she succumbed to heart failure. As caregivers at the Sanaga-Yong Chimpanzee Rescue Center bore her by wheelbarrow for burial, the typically boisterous apes rushed to the edge of their wired enclosure and fell silent.

They stood -- wrapping arms around one another, resting on each other's shoulder and not making a sound -- as Dorothy's female keeper adjusted her head in preparation for a final farewell. Dorothy was a "prominent figure" among the extended family of about 25 chimps at Sanaga-Yong, and the sanctuary's caregivers made sure the other apes witnessed her last rites.

The chimps, united in mourning, remained there as they watched Dorothy's keeper give her a final, loving stroke on her forehead and then lowered her into the ground. The chimps already knew the meaning of deep personal loss.
All of those living at Sanaga-Yong had been orphaned when their mothers were killed by hunters.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'm embarrassed to tell you that I discovered that my refrigerator has two large unused drawers at the bottom. The fact that they are transparent and you can see that they're obviously empty never dawned on me. As it turns out, that is where one would store vegetables. Please remember to visit me at the AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill. 2) If you choke a Smurf, I wonder what color does it turn? 3) Bigamy is one wife too many. Come to think about it, so is monogamy. 4) It's important to look out for #1, and not to step in #2. 5) I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.....and that's five !

Birthdays: My daughter, Jeannie. Actually, her birthday is tomorrow, so this birthday wish is a day early. Happy B-Day Sweetheart 19XX, My pal, Lourdes - Happy Birthday Baby 19XX, Cornelis Jansen, Flemish theologian 1585, Auguste Escoffie, French chef, and master of the haute-cuisine style of French cookery originated by Marie Antoine Carême 1846, Howard Hanson, American composer 1896, Evelyn Waugh, author of satirical novels 1903, Francis Bacon, painter 1909, Jonas Salk, American doctor and epidemiologist 1914, Cleo Laine, jazz singer 1927, Bill Gates, American business executive 1955.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An older woman, wanting to put more zest into her life, walks into a tattoo parlour and asks "Do you do custom work?" The artists says, "Yes ma'am, we do." The woman says, "Good! I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh." The artist says, "Okay, strip from the waist down and get up on the table."

After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits, examines the tattoos and says, "That doesn't look like them!" The artist says, "Oh yes it does and I can prove it." With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find, who happens to be the town drunk.

The woman spreads he legs and asks the drunk, "Well, what do you think? Do you know who these men are?' The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says. "I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt and my pals Frances and Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings. The boy said, "Mom, what are all those women doing ?" His mother replied, "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work." The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth!? They're hookers, boy. They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative. After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?" His mother says, "Most of them become cab drivers."

** Why Brazil won over Chicago for the 2016 Summer Olympic Games **

Little Johnny had a cursing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he curses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gifts he requests."

Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. "I want a damned teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damned train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damned bike leaning against the damned garage."

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage.

When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?" Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog, but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!"

That's it for today my little chili peppers. Remember, sacred cows make the best hamburgers. Hump Day is upon us and I can't find a better reason to go to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday

Stay Tuned !

Monday, October 26, 2009

"But I Miss You Most Of All, My Darling, When Autumn Leaves Start To Fall"

I haven't been to a movie theater in over thirty years. It's not that I don't enjoy movies, rather, it's the atmosphere of today's movie theaters and its patrons that are a turn off. Dirty theaters, incredibly high ticket and food prices and that certain element of the viewing public that consists of morons who talk during the movie.

It is understandable that movies made for children would have considerably more noise than movies for more mature audiences and that's fine. But when you're sitting in a group of theoretical adults, it's a little disconcerting when a group of idiots begin to talk to the characters on the movie screen. Low IQ notwithstanding, even a chimpanzee can be trained to be quiet. Perhaps bringing a bunch of bananas as pacifier's may be the answer.

Things have changed since the days when my friends and I would ride our bicycles the two miles to the local theater on Saturdays. It was a time of great expectations and we rarely knew what movie was playing. We knew, however, that there would be cartoons, the weekly serial, Movietone news and the feature picture. Some Saturdays there would even be two featured movies.

We parked our bicycles out side (with no locks), bought our tickets (usually less than 25 cents) and went directly to the lobby to purchase a soft drink and popcorn. The total price was generally under one dollar and on the few days that we might have more than a dollar, a hot dog was the popular choice and possibly some candy.

In those days, we quickly learned that excessive or loud talking would quickly draw the ire of the usher, who would immediately shine his flashlight on the offending parties, a bright reminder that loud talking was not permitted in the theater. Should the usher have to reprimand you again, you risked being ejected from the theater. Even we kids were smart enough to realize that loud talking or putting your feet up on the chairs was not worth the risk of being kicked out of the theater.

As for me, when a new movie comes out that interests me, I either rent it or wait until it gets to cable. Aside from an occasional meow from my cat, Possum S. Hemmingway, I watch the movie in virtual silence and a bowl of Orville Redenbacher popcorn.

Speaking of movies, I managed to watch two movies this weekend, a feat in and of itself as I went to AREA 51 both Friday and Saturday, arriving home Sunday morning in the wee hours. It's been a while since I'd seen the paperboy. Although these movies may be old to you, I watched "No Country For Old Men" and "Milk."

No Country For Old Men, starring Tommy Lee Jones, Javier Bardem, Josh Brolin, is based on the acclaimed novel by Pulitzer Prize winner Cormac McCarthy and was adapted for the screen and directed by Joel and Ethan Coen (Blood Simple, Fargo). It tells the story of a botched drug deal and the ensuing cat-and-mouse drama, as three men crisscross each other's paths in the desert landscape of 1980 West Texas.

The film was honored with numerous awards, garnering three British Academy of Film awards, two Golden Globes, and four Academy Awards for Best Picture, Best Director (Joel and Ethan Coen), Best Adapted Screenplay and Best Supporting Actor (Javier Bardem).

The movie fascinated me and is well acted. Javier Bardem was superb in his role as Anton Chigurh, a sociopathic assassin hired to recover drug money, and his character took on a Jason-esque quality (although much more believable than Halloween's Jason). I watched the movie twice and I'm probably going to have to watch it a third time to pick up all the subtleties. Although movie is violent and I would not recommend it for children under seventeen, it was an outstanding movie and easy to see why it garnered so many awards.

Milk is a 2008 American biographical film on the life of gay rights activist and politician Harvey Milk, who was elected to the San Francisco Board of Supervisors. Directed by Gus Van Sant and written by Dustin Lance Black, the film stars Sean Penn as Milk and Josh Brolin as Dan White. The film was released to much acclaim and earned numerous accolades from film critics and guilds. Ultimately, it received eight Academy Award nominations, including Best Picture, winning two for Best Actor in a Leading Role for Penn and Best Original Screenplay for Black.

Although this is not my type of film, I was interested to see why Sean Penn won an Academy Award for his role. I must admit that Penn's performance in the movie was very good, especially since he's a better known for his more defiant macho roles and even his comedic abilities (Fast Times At Ridgemont High). The obvious gay sexual innuendos and mild love scenes were a bit much, but the conflicts and history of that era were pretty much right on.

The ultimate assassinations of County Supervisor Harvey Milk and Mayor George Moscone notwithstanding, the in-depth look at the happenings of that era were interesting, including the national agenda of former Florida citrus spokeswoman Anita Bryant and the fight for and against gay rights. One viewing was enough for me, but if you haven't seen the it, Penn's role as Harvey Milk makes the film interesting.

The News As I See It: A Northwest Airlines flight bound to Minneapolis from San Diego overshot the airport by 150 miles. Authorities suspect that the crew and pilot may have dozed off. The crew denies this. In the pilots' defense, the in-flight movie was "The Time Traveler's Wife." No guy can stay up for that. People are already criticizing the Obama administration's decision to cut the pay of the executives at companies that received bailout money. They say this could cause a lot of these guys to quit. Right! I sure wouldn’t want to lose the geniuses who lost us hundreds of billions of dollars.

China has accused Google of copyright infringement claiming Google scanned hundreds of Chinese authors’ work for Google's digital library without their permission. China is so upset they've threatened to stop using Google to illegally download American movies and CDs. That balloon boy incident was so intense, Maria Shriver put down her cell phone while driving, picked up her Sony TV Watchman to watch. It was smart for them to try this balloon stunt while President Obama's in office. That wouldn't have worked with Bush Administration. Cheney would have shot that balloon down.

This Date In History: 1825; The Erie Canal officially opens, providing inland water transportation between the East Coast and the Great Lakes region of North America. 1863; The Football Association, the world’s first such governing body for association football, is formed at the Freemasons’ Tavern, in Great Queen Street, London.

1881; In the “Gunfight at the O. K. Corral”, in Tombstone, Arizona, Marshal Wyatt Earp, and four others, including Doc Holliday, kill three suspected cattle rustlers of the notorious Clanton gang. 1960; Penguin Books go on trial in London accused of publishing pornographic material in the form of Lady Chatterley's Lover, by D. H. Lawrence.

1979; Twelve years into the World Health Organization’s vaccination campaign against smallpox, the last-ever naturally occurring case on Earth is reported in Somalia.

Picture Of The Day: The change of seasons always is a plethora of spectacular scenery and I was hard pressed to narrow my selections down to fit today's entry. Autumn is upon us and I decided that I'd just post some of the marvelous pictures that I have recently seen. One of the things that I learned today was that Autumn is the beginning of the season when the leaves begin to turn from green to the very beautiful array of seasonal colors. Fall describes the time of the season that the trees have lost all of their leaves.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Capital punishment isn't for making examples, it's for making bad people dead. 2) I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it. 3) I often wonder just how much can I get away with and still go to heaven. 4) I don't think you should get married. Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house, it's a lot easier. 5) I think my wild oats are slowly turning into shredded wheat.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Georges Jacques Danton, French Revolutionary leader 1759, Mahalia Jackson, American gospel singer 1911, François Mitterrand, French politician, President of France (1981-1995), the longest-serving French presidential incumbent 1916, Muhammad Reza Shah Pahlavi, shah of Iran 1919, John Arden, playwright 1930, Hillary Clinton, American lawyer, senator and Secretary of State 1947.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. The rabbi said, "Wal-Mart? Why Wal-Mart?" The Old lady said, "Then I'll be sure my daughter will visit me twice a week."

A guy was invited to an old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The guy was impressed since he knew the couple had been married almost 70 years.

While the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names." His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt and my pals Garnett, Meg, Nancy and Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said. "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had? Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later, a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." The doctor asked, "Where?" Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em?"

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took out a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?" The woman said, "I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious and asked, "I have never heard of that condition before. Are you taking anything for it?" The woman nodded and said, "Pepper."

That's it for today my little peppermint patties and patricks. Remember, if at first you don't succeed, try left field. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, October 23, 2009

If At First You Don't Succeed, Do Something Else !

Did you ever have one of those days? You know, those days when everything you touch seems to turn into proverbial "caca?" Yesterday was one of those days and, oddly enough, it started out pretty well. That is until I decided that I shouldn't fix something that wasn't broken; I couldn't leave well enough alone; I wouldn't let a sleeping dog lie....and so it started.

I was pretty happy yesterday because my business received an overdue check and the timing of it's arrival was excellent. I filled out a deposit form and decided that I'd walk about a block to the branch bank to deposit it. I stopped by the local bakery and had a cup of Cuban coffee on the way.

After making the deposit, I stopped by the bakery again to purchase some pastries and a colada (a large cup of Cuban coffee that can be shared with others or sipped throughout the day.) Entering the house, I put the colada on the kitchen counter and went to the bedroom to change into my slippers. When I got back to the kitchen, the bag containing the Cuban coffee had a wet, black look and I realized that the either the cup had a leak or I set it down wrong. Either way, it was a mess.

Cleaning up sticky Cuban coffee is no easy task and after I cleaned everything, I decided to walk back to the bakery to get another colada. You'd think that a warning light would immediately go off in my head but I was so content that I got that check, I figured, what the's good exercise.

Returning home with my second colada, I carefully sat it down and poured a little cup for myself. I opened the garbage can and threw the small plastic coffee cup away. Then, I promptly reached for the lid to the colada, turned to place it on the colada and spilled it again. This time, I not only managed to spill it, but I spilled it on my bank deposit book as well.

The moral to the story? If you happen to be an sadistic Irish spastic, don't open Cuban coffee within ten feet of anything or get a kid to do it for you.

The News As I See It: Under the new guidelines issued by the Obama administration, federal agents won't pursue pot-smoking patients in states that allow medical marijuana. This new policy is called "Don't ask, don't . . . What was I talking about?" The "balloon boy" saga continues. Authorities have not yet charged the Heenes, but they expect charges to be filed next week. The father’s helium tanks were actually repossessed. I assume they don’t want him flying away before he is arrested.

In the latest news from the Pentagon, the generals are worried that the White House is spreading itself thin by trying to fight a war on two fronts; Afghanistan and Fox News. Former Vice President Dick Cheney accused President Obama of "dithering" over the strategy for the war in Afghanistan. Don't confuse that with what President Bush did. That was doodling.

Soupy Sales has passed away at the age of 83. His legend spans all the way back to the '50s and '60s, thanks to "The Soupy Sales Show" and "What's My Line?" Sales died Thursday night at Calvary Hospice in the Bronx, New York. At the peak of his fame in the 1950s and '60s, Sales was one of the best-known faces in the nation. Personally, I remember the countless hours of afternoon fun watching his show. Rest In Peace, Soupy.

The Cat's Ass Trophy (Cat Award) goes to Richard and Mayumi Heene for their asinine antics that could have been far more dangerous if an accident had occurred during the balloon chase. Congratulations to Richard and Mayumi and enjoy your upcoming punishment.

This Date In History: 42 BC; Marcus Junius Brutus, the most senior assassin of Julius Caesar, is defeated by Mark Antony and Octavian at the Second Battle of Philippi, and commits suicide by falling on his own sword. 1642; The Battle of Edgehill, the first major battle of the English Civil War, proves indecisive.

1862; Otto I, the Bavarian-born first king of Greece, is forced to abdicate and return to Bavaria after a revolutionary government takes control in Athens in his absence. 1956; The Hungarian Revolution begins as students and workers demonstrate in Budapest against Soviet domination and Communist rule.

Picture Of The Day: Yes, it was one of those days, but I'm not the only one who's had days like that. Today's pictures bring to mind the old adage "If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all." It's so true, my little sea monkeys and just when you though it was safe to go back into the water.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been mugged yet. 2) The only problem I have with sex in the movies is that the popcorn usually spills. 3) I knew a guy who had so many blind dates, they gave him a free dog. 4) The best contraceptive for old people is nudity. 5) If you teach your kid to be polite and courteous, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Pierre Athanase Larousse, French grammarian, lexicographer, and encyclopedist 1817, Robert Bridges, poet 1844, Sarah Bernhardt, French actress, who was the best-known stage figure of her time 1844, Gertrude Ederle, cross-Channel swimmer 1906, Michael Crichton, American novelist, film director, and screenwriter 1942.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Sam and Bessie are senior citizens, and Sam has always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing them on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?" Bessie said, "What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants."

Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says, "Bessie, do you notice anything different?" Bessie says, "What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today; it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down again tomorrow."

Angrily, Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at my new boots!!" Bessie replies, "You shoulda bought a new hat!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. As she pops her eye back in place, she says, "I am so sorry. Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful time and the next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed! Everything had been so incredible! He says,"You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? " The woman replies, "No, you just happened to catch my eye."

A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding. The sales clerk said, "Of course, madam,exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?" The bride to be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil." The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"

The woman said, "Well, I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as any first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the Limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled Immediately and never spoke to each other again."

The clerk asked, "What about your third husband?" The woman replied, "That one was a Democrat and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be."

That's it for today my little ducklings. Remember, always follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work. I'm going to AREA51 for Happy Hour maybe some nude karaoke. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

I've Been Absent Minded For As Long As I Can Remember

Since I have the memory of a mirror, daily exercise is a breeze. Although I normally try to think out my trips to and from different parts of the house, I inevitably forget something and have to get up again to go get it. The fact is that I have always been a bit absent minded, even when I was younger. Fortunately, in my youth, I had the wherewithal to successfully run my business, as well as being a father and husband.

Realizing that I was absent minded at an early age, I quickly learned that quick decisions without forethought could cause embarrassing moments as well as physical pain. You might think that I learned that because I'm just so damned intelligent, but the fact is, many of the lessons in life I learned the hard way. Look before you leap became my motto at an early age.

Case in point, while on my way to a business meeting years ago, I hurriedly got out of my car in an almost vain attempt to make the meeting on time. As I pushed the car door shut, it instantly dawned on me that I had made a mistake. I realized that the keys were still in the car. One might think that this is only a minor problem and could be resolved after the business meeting. One would think.....

The other problem was that the keys were still in the ignition and yes, the motor was still running. With the age of the cell phone still in the future, my options were; a) Enter the meeting late, explain my plight and lack of intelligence to my fellow business associates and use the phone to call my wife for the spare keys or b) Walk unnoticed the two blocks to the nearest public phone and privately make the call. I chose option "b".

Exercise? Not the way my brain works. I get all the daily exercise I need. I have, however, managed to keep repetitive trips to a minimum and I also carry spare keys for both my car and my house in my wallet. You can't fool me more than 42 times.....

The News As I See It: Halloween’s coming. The big mask this year is the Bernie Madoff mask. Or if you don’t want to spend the money, you can dress up as a homeless person and go as one of his investors. If you get the Bernie Madoff mask, you can bet your kid will come home with 50 billion Tootsie Rolls.

Happy Birthday to Angela Lansbury, who just turned 84. She celebrated at a party until one of her friends was murdered.

Governor Schwarzenegger's wife, Maria Shriver, was photographed violating the law by talking on her cell phone while she was driving. He read about it on his BlackBerry while driving to his office.

I love fall. You can really tell the seasons are changing. That thing on Donald Trump’s head is starting to get its winter coat.

A Southern California immigrant rights group has asked the Target store chain and a costume company to stop selling "illegal alien" Halloween costumes because it is offensive. It seems to me that the only people that should be offended are....uh, illegal aliens? Personally, I am offended that illegal aliens do not feel that they should wait in the immigration line like other law abiding people and if they are offended, I really don't give a shit!

President Obama has been accused of being too slow to appoint new judges. They claim that the only new judges appointed during the Obama presidency are Sonia Sotomayor and Ellen DeGeneres. A study shows that the phrase most often uttered by President Obama is, “Let me be clear.” The phrase he uses least often is, “Let me be specific.” Recently, while in New Orleans helping out the victims of Katrina, Obama was asked, “What do you think of ‘The Big Easy’?” He said, “Oh I just call it the Nobel Peace Prize.”

The Cat's Ass Trophy (CATAward) has one nomination made by two people. Both Joann and Lisa nominated Richard and Mayumi Heene, who allegedly falsely reported that their 6-year-old son had drifted away in a large home-built helium balloon to drum up publicity for a reality TV show. Investigators are poring over e-mails, phone records and financial documents from the home to decide what charges will be filed. It is expected that the investigations will take until next week.

In the interim, since I do not now nor did I ever have any doubt that the balloon boy case was a fraud, we'll still award the Heene family the CAT Award should they win. Should authorities fail to charge the couple, we'll let them keep the award anyway because everyone knows that the only unidentified flying objects worth mentioning are found in AREA 51.

Nominations are open until Friday at 12:00 noon, so if anyone else spots additional unidentified flying, walking or crawling assholes, feel free to nominate them. You can email me at

This Date In History: 1520; Ferdinand Magellan sails from the Atlantic Ocean into the treacherous passage to the Pacific Ocean that is now named after him, the Strait of Magellan. 1805; The Royal Navy, led by Vice Admiral Horatio Nelson, defeats a combined French and Spanish fleet at the Battle of Trafalgar, ensuring British domination of the seas for more than a century.

1858; The light opera, Orpheus in the Underworld, by Jacques Offenbach, famous for its Cancan dancing, premiers in Paris. 1878; The Land League, a political organization important in the history of Irish nationalism, is founded in Dublin with Charles Parnell as its first president. 1879; Thomas Edison successfully tests the first electric light bulb. Prior to this date, when a cartoon character had an idea, a picture of a "candle" was in the enclosed caption over the character's head.

Picture Of The Day: The Heene family fraud launched a barrage of balloon pictures and, of course, I gathered some of the best I could find. This is the first time in weeks that an Obama photoshop picture has not dominated the photoshop world. Fear not, my little honey bees, Between Obama, Biden and Nancy Pelosi, there'll be new pictures after they stumble anew. I'm sure we'll also find some dumb-ass Republican gaffe as well. Ah, politicians....ya gotta hate them.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. 2) It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married. 3) I really don't mind waking up each day with a little pain. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're probably dead. 4) They say that money can't buy happiness, but I've found that it's more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than in a Hyundai. 5) Do you realize that in about 40 years, There'll be thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Samuel Taylor Coleridge, English poet, critic, and philosopher, who was a leader of the Romantic movement 1772, Alfred Nobel, Swedish chemist, inventor, and philanthropist. Nobel's grave was the subject of recent controversy after this year's Nobel Peace Prize Award. After examination of the grave, it was discovered that Nobel's corpse had recently rolled over 1833.

Sir Georg Solti, Hungarian-British conductor and pianist 1912, Dizzy Gillespie, American jazz trumpeter 1917, Malcolm Arnold, composer, trumpeter, and conductor 1921, Ursula Le Guin, American science-fiction writer 1929.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An elderly pair meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off, sharing each other's values, enjoying the same jokes, and finding pleasure in each other's company. After a few months, the old man asks the old lady to marry him. She appears hesitant and says, "Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but, how's your health?" The old man says, "It's OK. I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life."

The old lady says, "I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself. How are you fixed financially?" The old man says, "So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable." The old lady blushes, and finally asks the old man, "And how's your sex life" The old man says, "Infrequently." The old lady ponders this for a moment or so and asks, "And is that one word or two?"

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. The husband gave his wife a gift - a tombstone, with the inscription: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever." Later, the furious wife bought a return present - also a tombstone, on which the inscription read: "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The

After having their 11th child, an New Orleans couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The man said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." The doctor said, "Trust me."

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

The young preacher was delivering his first sermon at the Mount Olive Baptist Church and the congregation was in a frenzy. In the final moments before he ended the sermon, a young woman in the balcony was so overcome by his words that she slipped and fell over the railing. Fortunately, she was able to grasp the railing before falling and was hanging on for dear life. Unfortunately, her skirt rode up to her waste and alas, the young woman was not wearing her panties.

Concerned that the hapless, exposed young woman might ruin his first sermon, the preacher shouted to the congregation, "Let no man avert his eyes to the half-naked young woman hanging from the balcony or God will smite him and make him blind." An old man in the first row placed his hand over his right eye, turned to look up at the woman and mumbled, "I'm gonna take a chance on just one eye."

That's it for today my little chipmunks. It's Hump Day and I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour and an understanding barmaid. Remember, all AREA 51 bar and grills are approved pharmacies. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !