Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Easter Week - Time To Buy New Clothes For Easter Sunday Church Services

We only got new clothes three times a year, namely the start of the school year, Christmas and Easter. There was a standing rule that after school, you took off your "school clothes" and changed into your "play clothes". Then, you did your chores and finished your homework. After that, we were free to play until supper time.

We always had an area that we are allowed to roam and play, usually within a two block radius of the house. Being caught beyond those boundaries meant a good ass whipping and confinement to the house for a period of time. My mother had a special whistle when she wanted us to come home and everyone in the neighborhood knew the sound of that whistle. I'm not referring to the type of whistle that a football referee uses. I'm talking about pursing one's lips and whistling. Nevertheless, Mom's whistle could be heard from blocks away and the old "I didn't hear your whistle" excuse usually fell on deaf ears.

The weekend before Easter, Mom would take us to the store and buy us new clothes for Easter Sunday. Sister Jeanne always got a pretty new dress and shoes and Brother Kirt and I either got a new suit (pictured above) or new shirts for our older suits. We pretty much knew that our Sunday school clothes were never going to be worn to school and were reserved for church. While Mom was interested in having the children look nice at church, we were much more interested in getting home from church for the Easter egg hunt.

Mom always took special care in preparing our Easter baskets, making sure that each kid's basket was exactly the same. She would out the "special egg" that we wrote our names on in the front of the basket so we would know which basket was ours. There were some small creme candy eggs that were covered in chocolate, but the insides were white and each had it's own flavor. Besides the chocolate rabbit, the Reese's peanut butter eggs were my favorites. I can close my eyes and still taste them.....

Friday: Going to church on Easter Morning. To be continued.....

The News As I See It: During a fund raising trip to California, some young Republicans took the Republican Party credit card to a club in Hollywood that has nude dancers doing bondage shows. Usually when Republicans find themselves in dark rooms with whips and chains, it’s in Dick Cheney’s basement. It must be very embarrassing for the people involved. I’m sure the strippers didn’t want anyone to know they were hanging out with politicians.

President Obozo made a surprise visit to Afghanistan this weekend. I guess after 14 months in Washington, he wanted to go somewhere where there was less fighting. It was a pretty quick trip. In fact, it happened so fast, Joe Biden didn’t even get a chance to say something stupid about it. Actually, Biden isn't very bright to begin with. He showed up at the White House Passover Seder with a bunch of ham sandwiches.

The president met with Afghanistan’s President Hamid Karzai. Obama demanded more accountability, a crackdown on corruption, and a better government. He said that if it works in Afghanistan, he’s going to try it in the United States. Obozo also said this week that adjustments will need to be made to the new healthcare law. In fact, it’s getting so many adjustments, Obozo’s now calling it "the Heidi Montag of congressional bills."

Sarah Palin has been campaigning for select Republicans including John McCain, who’s in a tough Senate race in Arizona. How does he introduce her? "And now the young woman who cost me the presidency."

Former NFL coach Jimmy Johnson is touting Extenze, a scam that claims to make the male penis larger. Either Johnson needs money badly or he is as stupid as he acts. Since Johnson is an egotistical dick, It will be interesting to see if, by using Extenze, he gets taller.

Ricky Martin recently announced that he is gay. On his Web site, he wrote "I’m a fortunate, homosexual man." That’s like Larry King coming out as "old." I think it's safe to say that this was a case of "Didn’t need to ask, didn’t need to tell." Sandra Bullock and her husband may get a divorce. Even people who thought Ricky Martin was straight saw that one coming.

This Date In History: 1492; Queen Isabella and King Ferdinand of Spain expelled Jews who would not accept Christianity. 1889; The Eiffel Tower in Paris officially opened. 1917; The United States took possession of the Virgin Islands. 1918; Daylight Saving Time went into effect in the United States. 1949; Newfoundland became Canada's tenth province.

1959; The Dalai Lama, fleeing Chinese repression of an uprising in Tibet, arrived at the Indian border and was granted political asylum. 1968; President Lyndon Johnson announced that he would not run for re-election. 1995; Mexican-American singer Selena Quintanilla-Perez, 23, is shot by the president of her fan club in Corpus Christi, Texas.

1995; Major League Baseball players agreed to end the sport’s longest strike in history after a judge ordered a preliminary injunction against team owners.

Picture Of The Day: Easter pictures dominate this week and I can't envision a more pleasant scene than a child waking up on Easter Sunday to see what the Easter Bunny brought.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When I was young, I asked my father what Easter Bunny helpers get for making a basket? He told me, "Two points, just like anyone else." 2) One thing I enjoy about Easter is that I can hide my own eggs. 3) When one breeds an angora rabbit with an Easter Bunny is that a cross hair? 4) A receding hairline is ten rabbits marching backward. 5) There's nothing better than a good friend, except a good friend with chocolate.....and that's five !

Birthdays: My pal Jackie in Alabama. Happy Birthday Baby! René Descartes, scientist, philosopher 1596, Franz Haydn, composer 1732, Nikolai Gogol, short-story writer, novelist 1809, Robert Wilhelm Bunsen, scientist 1811, Jack Johnson, boxer 1878, Octavio Paz, poet and critic 1914, Cesar Chavez, American labor leader 1927, Albert Gore, Jr., former vice president 1948.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?" The old man said, "There's something wrong with my dick." The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." The old man said, "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." The receptionist said, "We do not use language like that here. Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your 'ear' or whatever."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" The old man said, "There's something wrong with my 'ear'." The receptionist nodded approvingly, "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?" The old man said, "I can't piss out of it."

A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room. But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope you don't mind Johnny being in there." The doctor calmly, "No, he'll quiet down when he gets to the poisons."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. The doctor said, "Come now, you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me." The woman said, "This one's kind of strange. Yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies." The Doctor said, "I see. Go on."

She continued, "That afternoon, I went again and there were nickels in the bowl and this morning, there were dimes and quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me! I'm scared out of my wits!" The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about. You're simply going through the change"

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. She said to the doctor, "The hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?' The woman said, "On my balls, which is something else I want to talk to you about."

It was following the resurrection and disciples were still somewhat scattered about Jerusalem and the surrounding villages. John finds Peter and runs up to him. Excitedly he says, "Peter, Peter! I've got some good news and some bad news." Peter takes hold of John and calms him down saying, "Take it easy, John. What is it? What's the good news?"

John says, "The good news is Christ is risen." Peter says, "That's great! But, what's the bad news?" John, looking around, says, "He's really pissed about last Friday."

That's it for today my little Easter peeps. Remember, a lot of people have heard opportunity knocking at the door, but by the time they unlocked the chain, pushed back the bolt, turned two locks, and shut off the burglar alarm, it was gone. It's Hump Day and I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour, More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, March 29, 2010

It's Easter Week - Where's My Chocolate Rabbit ?

It's Easter week and it brings back memories of my childhood years. One of the things that I happened to notice was the many pictures of Easter egg hunts on the Internet. The problem is that they have no idea how an Easter egg hunt is done.

I saw a number of kids lined up in a football field and as they started the hunt, the camera panned to show what seemed to be a million plastic eggs strewn all over the field. While I understand that plastic eggs are more logical and sanitary, it sort of killed my idea of an Easter egg hunt. As for the eggs seemly tossed out in plain sight of the children, I would agree that this is fine for children under five years old.

I was fortunate enough to be able to join my family as we boiled, dyed and otherwise decorated the eggs. I remember using a white crayon to write my name on my egg and once finished, each kid had an egg with his or her name on it. All of this activity was done the night before Easter and besides the fun of preparing the eggs, our visions were also focused on Easter morning and our Easter egg baskets filled with jellybeans, candies, Peeps and most importantly, the large chocolate Easter bunny.

After church on Sunday (another experience I will tell you about this Easter week), we came home to do the Easter egg hunt. My parents were very involved in these hunts and to an extent, my father always found real good hiding places. To me at the time, his hiding places were borderline crazy. The funny thing is that we never found all the eggs and we pressed Dad to show us where the other eggs were hidden. Unfortunately, Dad had already had a few beers and some of the eggs weren't found until the odor of rotten eggs betrayed their hiding place.

Next, the neighborhood kids would come over and we'd take turns hiding the eggs and searching for them. After an hour or so, we finally quit and begin eating some of our Easter eggs. The other candies came next and the chocolate bunny was always the last one we'd eat. We always saved the best thing for last......

This Easter week, the main topics will revolve around my Easter experiences. To be continued....

The News As I See It: President Obozo was at a bookstore in Iowa recently and he bought a $37 pop-up book for Press Secretary Robert Gibbs’ son. Gibbs said, "It’s a little expensive, sir" and Obama said, "I can handle it." Then he called the president of China and said, "Can I borrow 37 bucks?"

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was down in Mexico last week. Nothing important. She has to go down there every year at this time to drag Bill back from spring break. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates announced today that the Pentagon will ease up on its enforcement of the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy. He said homosexual behavior will still be against the rules, but nobody will actively enforce it. You know, kind of like the ethics regulations in Congress.

According to Men's Health magazine, 21 percent of men surveyed would rather have a sexier nurse than a more competent doctor when they're in the hospital. I say, why not have both? The government's paying for it now. Who cares?

This Date In History: 1848; For the first time in recorded history, Niagara Falls stopped flowing. An ice jam in the Niagara River above the rim of the falls caused the water to stop. 1867; The North America Act was passed by the British parliament, creating the dominion of Canada. 1951; Julius and Ethel Rosenberg were found guilty of passing atomic secrets to the Russians and were sentenced to death.

1971; Lt. William Calley was convicted of murdering 22 Vietnamese civilians in the My Lai massacre. 1973; The last U.S. troops left South Vietnam. 1999; The Dow Jones industrial average closed above 10,000 for the first time, at 10,006.78. 2002; Israel declared Yasir Arafat an enemy.

Picture Of The Day: Easter is a special time for children and this week, I'll be posting Easter pictures. Of course, I couldn't resist the picture of 'da prez and his oval office picture with his cronies.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Baloney is flattery so thick that it can not be true and blarney is flattery so thin that we like it. 2) Those of you who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand. 3) Between two evils, I always like to take the one I've never tried before. 4) Have you ever wondered why they use sterilized needles for lethal injections? 5) A liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been robbed and beaten yet.....and that's five !

Birthdays: John Tyler, American president 1790, Cy Young, baseball player 1867, Eugene McCarthy, politician 1916, Sam Walton, retailer 1918, John Major, politician 1943.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A little boy was playing with a worm one day at his grandpa's house. Grandpa jokingly tells the young boy that he'll give him ten dollars if he can stick the worm back into the worm hole. After a few minutes of trying the boy leaves then returns with a can of hair spray. He sprays it all over the worm and when the worms becomes stiff he pokes it back down in the hole.

A few days later the boy is at his grandpa's house again when grandpa wheels out a shiny new bike and gives it to his grandson along with ten dollars. The boy says, "But grandpa, you only promised me ten dollars." The grandpa replies, "I know, the bike is from your grandmother."

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up." The doctor replied, "That's not senility. Senility is when you forget to zip down."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes.

The coach continued, "So, I'm sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb asshole, is it?" Again the little boy nodded. The coach said, "Good, now go over there and explain all that to your mother."

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother sitting at his bed side. He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."

The husband was thinking to himself and asked with some trepidation, "Well, bro, what did you name them?" Whereupon, his brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise." The husband, relieved, said, "That's a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?" The brother replied, "Denephew."

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could.

The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear Lord, please give this bear some religion!"

The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused. Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you, Lord, for the food I'm about to receive...."

That's it for today my little chicken pluckers. Remember, even a woodpecker owes his success to the fact that he uses his head. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, March 26, 2010

Your Age Determines How Your Trip To Home Depot Turns Out !

You're in the middle of some kind of project around the house - planting a lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room, whatever. You're hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age you do one of the following:

In your 20's: You stop what you're doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's: You stop what you're doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister of someone you went to school with.

In your 40's: You stop what you're doing. Put on a sweatshirt that's long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brut cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she's spicy.

In your 50's: You stop what you're doing. Put on a hat, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog shit in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait Shop and it says, "I Got Worms".

In your 60's: You stop what you're doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog shit off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you're not sure.

In your 70's: You stop what you're doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready too. Don't even notice the dog shit on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80's: You stop what you're doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you're looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

In your 90's & beyond: What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?

The News As I See It: Tens of thousands of illegal immigrants rallied across the country last week, demanding a path to citizenship. Don't they understand that we already have a path to citizenship? It's called the San Diego Freeway.

Nancy Pelosi used the Internet to help gain support for Obamacare. She reached out to people on her favorite social networking site, The whole healthcare fight took a big toll on Nancy Pelosi’s popularity. Her favorability rating is down to 11 percent, making her the most disliked woman in America with less than eight kids.

Taster's Choice coffee is offering free samples of their coffee. I received my samples today and I thought I'd tell you about it. Just go to the site and fill out your information and they'll send the samples in the mail. There's four or five different flavors (including decaffeinated). After you've read today's post, click here.

This Date In History: 1827; Composer Ludwig van Beethoven died at age 56 in Vienna, Austria. 1945; The battle of Iwo Jima ended; about 22,000 Japanese troops were killed or captured in the fighting and more than 4,500 U.S. troops were killed. 1971; East Pakistan proclaimed its independence, taking the name Bangladesh.

1979; In a ceremony at the White House, President Sadat of Egypt and Prime Minister Begin of Israel signed a peace treaty ending 30 years of war between the two countries. 1982; Groundbreaking ceremonies for the Vietnam Veterans Memorial took place in Washington, DC. 2000; Vladimir Putin was elected president of Russia.

Picture Of The Day: I've seen all the advertising for Easter and all I've seen is the many pictures of my second favorite thing.....chocolate! For all my lady friends who are on a diet, I apologize, but the devil made me do it.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The difference between Congress and a federal prison is that one is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners. 2) Honk if you love Jesus and text while driving if you want to meet him. 3) I would gladly trade in my "Caller I.D." for a "Caller I.Q." 4) It matters not whether you win or lose; What matters is whether I win or lose. 5) I am having an out of money experience.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Edward Bellamy, author 1850, A. E. Housman, poet and scholar 1859, Robert Frost, American poet 1874, James Bryant Conant, educator 1893, Tennessee Williams, dramatist 1911, Sandra Day O'Connor, jurist 1930, Alan Arkin, actor, director 1934, Diana Ross, singer 1944, Steven Tyler, musician 1948, Martin Short, actor, producer 1950.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An elderly man was headed home in his car one evening, swerving and weaving on the road, when he was stopped by a policeman who asked, "Have you been drinking tonight, sir?" The old man answered, "Well, I may have had a beer or two. Why do you ask?" The policeman said, "Sir, your wife fell out of the car about a mile back." The old man replied, "Thank god, I thought I'd gone deaf!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Hector and Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

A man was driving home after spending a great day on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding. Suddenly, cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to stop at the side of the bridge.

The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, boy?" The man thought for a second and said, "I don't know, sir." The cop said, "67 miles per hour, son!" The man asked, "But if you already knew, officer, why did you ask me?" Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled and said in a sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!"

The cop took a good close look at the man in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!" The man answered, "I have a good, well-paying job!" The cop leaned in the window, smelling the man's fish, and said, "What kind of job would a bum like you have?" The man said, "I'm a rectum stretcher!"

The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?" Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house and stretch their rectum until it's six feet wide. The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six-foot asshole?" The man said, "You give him a radar gun and place him by a bridge!"

A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over about 2 miles south of the Georgia state line. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late. The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk good old boy got out and watched the performance briefly, then he went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect, who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. Detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot." One of them, when it was his turn, shouted, "That's not what I said!"

That's it for today my little pigeon toes. Remember, it is okay to be ignorant in some areas, but some people abuse the privilege. Thank God, it's Friday! One of the best reasons I know of to head over to AREA 51 for Happy Hour and Lord knows what else. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Save The Hollywood Sign (And Repeal Obamacare) !

One of the icons of California - the famous Hollywood sign - is in trouble unless enough public and private donations are raised ($12.5 million), the company that owns the land around the Hollywood sign will sell the land for building houses, and the iconic sign will be demolished.

The "Trust for Public Land" is trying to do a grassroots effort to raise millions of dollars so they can buy the 138 acre ridge which is behind the Iconic Hollywood Sign. They took out an option to buy the land for $12.5 million a while back and the option is about to expire and they are still short by about $5-$6 million depending which source you listen to.

The history is interesting at one point "Cahuenga Peak" was owned by Howard Hughes. Legend has it that it was going to be a house for Ginger Rogers (the relationship went south and the house was never built). Then, a coffee magnate from Illinois acquired the land and then it was passed on to an investment and development group. They, in turn, according to sources acquired the land for about $1.5-$1.7 million (depending which source you take). The public records show one third of that amount was paid.

Is this just another "Hollywood" publicity stunt? I have no idea but at least it's a momentary relief from Obamacare and other horror stories in the news. If they remove the sign, where will it go? Where can they put it? The answer lies in today's pictures of possible sites.....

Seniors enrolled in Medicare Advantage programs can look forward to losing benefits under Obamacare. Against a majority of Americans disapproving the legislation, the U.S. House of Representatives passed the Senate's health care overhaul on Sunday night and was signed into law by President Obama yesterday. The legislation has profound implications for American citizens in the coming decade: 32 million uninsured Americans will have access to basic health insurance by 2019, while senior citizens will be among the most affected populations as their health care benefits will be modified to pay for the overhaul.

One of the key issues for seniors is the Medicare Advantage program. Approximately one in four Medicare beneficiaries are now enrolled in a Medicare Advantage plan. This translates to over 10 million enrolled. The future of the Medicare Advantage program is now uncertain.

Robert Zirkelbach, speaking on behalf of the American Health Insurance Plans, has claimed that the bill will "end Medicare Advantage as we know it" and result in a $200 billion reduction in federal subsidies for the program in the next 10 years. These subsidy reductions will require higher premiums for seniors and may also contribute to reduced Medicare Advantage benefits. When adding the Medicare Advantage cuts to the other government cuts to nursing homes, hospices, and other health care providers, the new legislation is eliminating $500 billion from programs in the next decade. Seniors, being primary care receivers from Medicare Advantage, nursing homes, and hospices, will feel the brunt of these cuts.

Medicare funding cuts were targeted in order to help subsidize Obamacare for the millions of low income welfare and medicaid recipients. It is imperative and obvious that an overhaul of health care is in order and an intelligent plan needs to be implemented. It seems to me that any monies that are taken from Medicare should be used to prevent Medicare from bankruptcy, not used for subsidizing welfare and Medicaid recipients.

ACORN (Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now) has announced that it is folding effective April 1st amid falling revenues - six months after video footage emerged showing some of its workers giving tax tips to conservative activists posing as a pimp and prostitute. ACORN's financial situation and reputation went into free fall within days of the videos' release in September. Congress reacted by yanking ACORN's federal funding, private donors held back cash, and scores of ACORN offices closed.

The closing of Acorn is welcome, especially after all the various nationwide state investigations of voter fraud and other violations of law. Media sources, however, state that many local offices are merely shedding the ACORN name and reorganizing under new names.

The News As I See It: Healthcare reform was passed, which means Americans can get the same healthcare that members of Congress get, which is great. Now if only we could get the free travel, envelopes full of cash, and the "Get Out of Jail Free" cards.

Do you know who will be in charge of healthcare? The IRS. You thought getting audited was bad? Wait until your next prostate exam. Tiger Woods appeared in two separate interviews on the Golf Channel and ESPN. And in true Tiger fashion, he made sure neither one knew about the other.

President Obozo signed the landmark healthcare reform bill into law, or as Obama calls it, the "Rush Limbaugh Deportation Act." The president had to change his motto from "Yes, we can," to "Yes, we finally did something." This couldn’t have been done without the help of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, and the president thanked her for her "unblinking" support and clapping like a seal every time he uttered a word.

Dumb Ass Joe Biden has done it again. When he introduced Obozo yesterday, he whispered into the prez' ear, "This is a big f~~kin' deal." What an ass! Uh, Joe, there's high intensity microphones on the podium. Can you imagine if he had been elected president? It's bad enough we had a moron running the country for eight years only to be replaced by a conniving liar, hell bent on spreading the wealth to those that won't work and bankrupting the country.

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This Date In History: 1603; Queen Elizabeth I died at age 69 after ruling England for more than 40 years. 1882; Robert Koch announced the discovery of the tuberculosis bacillus. 1949; Laurence Olivier's Hamlet became the first British film to win an Oscar. 1958; Rock 'n' roll star Elvis Presley joined the U.S. army for two years.

1989; In one of worst oil spills in recent history, the tanker, Exxon Valdez, ran aground and released 240,000 barrels of oil into Prince William Sound. 1999; NATO begins launching air strikes in an attempt to force Serbia to cease hostilities against ethnic Albanians in Kosovo. 2002; Halle Berry became the first African-American actress to win a best actress Oscar and Denzel Washington became the second African-American actor to get the best actor award.

Picture Of The Day: If the Hollywood sign is taken down, I have found some potential new sites for your consideration and review. Disclaimer: This humor does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either myself, my company, my friends, or my cat; don't quote me on that; don't quote me on anything.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Puberty is when you separate the boys from the girls. Sometimes with a crowbar. 2) The US government spends billions and billions of dollars on bombs and welfare. It's hard to say which is more destructive. 3) I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. 4) Near as I can tell, complaining about not getting the latest version of AOL is like complaining about not getting the latest version of influenza. 5) Today's agenda: Don't tug on Superman's cape, don't spit into wind, don't pull mask off the Lone Ranger and don't mess around with Jim (except for my Perfect Martini...).....and that's five !

Birthdays: John Wesley Powell, geologist and ethnologist 1834, William Morris, designer 1834, Harry Houdini, American magician and writer 1874, Edward Weston, photographer 1886, Thomas Dewey, politician 1902, Steve McQueen, actor 1930.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. The doctor said, "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."

He continued, "But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and said, "Wedding cake."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

A young boy of five was going into hospital to have his tonsils removed. He told his playmate that he would be gone for awhile to have surgery. On the day he was admitted, his mother asked the doctor if he could also circumcise him while he was asleep. The doctor agreed. The boy woke up and was very sore down there for several days.

After about a week, he got to see his playmate again. The playmate informed him that he was also going to have to have his tonsils out soon. He asked him to tell him about the surgery. The little boy replied, "All I can tell you is your tonsils ain't where you think they are!"

A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, the dentist says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes." The man grabs the dentist's arm, "No way! I hate needles. I'm not having any shot!" So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with the gas." The man replies, "Absolutely not! It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."

So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "Here, take this pill." The man asks, "What is it?" The dentist replies, "Viagra." The man looks surprised. "Will that kill the pain?" The dentist replies, "No, but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth!"

A mother of five decides to get plastic surgery on her privates so her husband can enjoy the snugness she had in her youth. So, she heads off to the doctor for the procedure. Once the procedure is done, she wakes up to find three roses on her bed, and asks the nurse who sent them.

The nurse says, "The doctor wanted you to know he appreciates the business, so he left you a rose. Then your husband came in with a rose, stating that he can't wait to feel the results of the surgery, so he left a rose, too." The patient asked, "What about the third rose?" The nurse replies, "Oh, that's from Ed in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for the new ears."

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending onwhere she is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire. Further studies are expected...

That's it for today my little tadpoles. Remember, on the keyboard of life, always keep one finger near the escape key. It's Hump Day and I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, March 22, 2010

Signs I'd Like To See and Childhood Memories

Some of my fondest memories are from my childhood and the endless hours of fun I had playing with my friends. The old adage "Youth is wasted on the young" only furthers thoughts of those days when, other than a few afternoon chores and homework, life was good and responsibility was a word that grownups used.

Childhood dreams of adulthood were in all of our minds and ages were stated in halves. As a pre-teen, I couldn't wait to be a teenager and as a teenager, I couldn't wait to be twenty-one. Therein lies another old adage, "Be careful what you wish for, it may come true."

Indeed, life goes on and all of a sudden, you're an adult and living in your own apartment. As you read your first electric bill and scream bloody murder, you can faintly hear your parents yelling, "Turn off the damned light when you leave your room!"

In your childhood years, you were always confronted by rules and that thought that sooner or later enters all kid's minds comes to be, "When I grow up, I'm going to do what I dammed well please." Of course, once you were free to do what you "damned well please", you learn that there are other rules and regulations that affect grownups as well.

Aside from the rules of society and government, you also learn that there will be a friend that will be at your side for the rest of your life, and, he too, has laws. That friend will be Mr. Murphy, author and sponsor of Murphy's Law. There are more and mores laws, rules and regulations, ad finitum, and I haven't even begun with other cruel laws such as, "Bread with peanut butter always lands peanut butter side down."

With that, I'll just shut my eyes and look back to "the good old days" when the only worry you really had was getting brain freeze when you ate your popsicle.

The News As I See It: The mother of domestic terrorist Jihad Jane says that her daughter only joined a terrorist group because she was lonely. She wanted to meet al-Qaida guys so badly that, online, she lied and said she was a goat. Toyota Corollas are now being reported as stalling without warning. The biggest danger is that the Corolla might stall while in front of a runaway Prius.

The healthcare debate has taken time and energy from many congressional leaders. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and House Minority Leader John Boehner have been so busy that Boehner missed his appointment at the tanning salon and Pelosi was late for Botox injections.

A new technique lets doctors perform kidney transplants in 45 minutes. Oh yeah, because when you're getting a kidney transplant, your main concern is always "How long is this gonna take? Can you do it in less than an hour?"

This Date In History: 1765; The Stamp Act was enacted on the American colonies by Britain. 1820; U.S. naval hero Stephen Decatur was killed in a duel with dishonored former Chesapeake captain James Barron. 1894; The first Stanley Cup championship game was played. The Montreal Amateur Athletic Association (which won the cup unchallenged the previous year) triumphed over the Ottawa Capitals.

1895; Auguste and Louis Lumiere first demonstrated motion pictures using celluloid film in Paris. 1945; The Arab League was formed in Cairo, by Egypt, Iraq, Jordan, Lebanon, and Syria. 1972; Congress approved the Equal Rights Amendment and sent it to be ratified by the states. The amendment would fail to get the required 38 states to ratify it. 1997; Comet Hale-Bopp made its closest approach to Earth in the skies over the northern hemisphere. The comet’s next pass is predicted for the year 4397

Picture Of The Day: Sign, signs, everywhere signs! The problem is that most of them tell you what to do. Don't do this, don't do that...

Well folks, here's some signs that I'd like to see and although it's unlikely you'll see any of these signs in the near future, you can momentarily revel and enjoy them as you read today's post.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. 2) Red meat is not bad for you. Blue-green meat, now that's bad for you! 3) Oh give me a home where the buffalo roam and I'll show you a house full of buffalo shit. 4) The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. 5) If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Anthony Van Dyck, Flemish portrait and religious painter and etcher, born in Antwerp 1599, Bienvenido Santos, novelist, poet, activist 1911, Marcel Marceau, mime 1923, Pat Robertson, evangelist and politician 1930, Stephen Sondheim, composer 1930, Andrew Lloyd Webber, composer 1948, Reese Witherspoon, actress 1976.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks, "Do you do custom work?" The artist replied, "Why of course!" The woman said, "Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh." The artist says, "No problem."

After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up and examines the tattoos and complains, "That doesn't look like them!" The artist says indignantly, "Yes it does!" The two argue and the woman suggests that they get the opinion of a third party.

With that, the artist goes outside of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find. It just so happens that the man is also the town drunk. The woman says, "Well, what do you think? Do you know who these men are?" The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says, "I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Farmer John, who lived way out in the country, had a speech impediment. He finally got his first telephone, the kind that hangs on the kitchen wall and has to be cranked to get the operator. Soon after it was installed, he picked up the phone and cranked his first call.

A woman answered and said, "Operator." John said, "Hello Operator, "Gimme fi, fi, free, one, fi, please." The operator said, "Excuse me?" John said, "I wanna talk ta fi, fi, free, one, fi." The operator said, "Sir, if you want to make a call, you're going to have to talk plainer than that." Farmer John said, "Oh, just shtick it up yer ash!", and slammed the phone down.

The next morning, there was a knock at the farmer's door. Two very large repairmen from the phone company were there, and they asked him if he was the one who had used a profanity with their operator. Farmer John said, "Yesh, I yam." The telephone man said "Sir, we don't stand for our ladies being treated that way. You have a choice. You can either call her right now and apologize, or we're going to remove your telephone."

Without saying a word, Farmer John walked to the telephone and cranked the phone. A woman answered, "Operator." Farmer John said, "Are yew the lady I told ta shtick dis telephone up her ash?" Immediately huffy, the operator replied "I certainly am!" Farmer John said, "Well, get ready. They're bringin' it in."

Third grade teacher Miss Crabtree said to little Sammy, "You're late again, Sammy, for the third time this month." Little Sammy said, "It's not my fault, Miss Crabtree. The reason I'm three hours late is because my Daddy sleeps naked."

Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some years. She asked little Sammy what he meant, despite her mounting fears. Little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth. Sammy said, "Miss Crabtree, we have a coyote that's been coming to our ranch. The past few nights it killed and ate three hens and it also killed Mom's best milk goat!"

Little Sammy went on, "Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken coop, he grabbed his shotgun and told Mom that th\he coyote was back and he was going to get him! He told all us kids to stay back! There he was, naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants and no shirt! He crawled right up to the chicken coop and stuck that double barrel right through the window. As he stared into the dark coop with the coyote on his mind, our old hound dog, Zeke, snuck up behind Daddy. Then, old Zeke stuck his cold nose in the crack of Daddy's ass and we've been cleaning chickens since three this morning!"

That's it for today my little Pez dispensers. Remember, by the time you're eighty years old you will have learned everything. The only problem is having the ability to remember it. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !