Friday, February 27, 2015

Never Argue With A Woman

Arguments are never a good idea, a lose-lose proposition and usually about something I don't care about anyway. Men are at a disadvantage because our memories are like mirrors and women never, ever, forget anything!

The most important thing for a man to remember is to abandon all logic. Women don't use it and you certainly shouldn't allow it to handicap you.

Secondly, when cornered......Lie! The "Be Honest" Fight is a prime example of how your honest answer can end with a chilly night on the couch.

(Her): "Do you think I’ve gained weight?” (Me): “Maybe a little bit.” (Her): “WHAT?!” (Me:) "You said be honest….”

That’s the thing about honesty — when someone asks for it, it probably means you should lie. Except when it comes to questions about her weight, her ass and her parents… then you should definitely lie.

How do you fight back when she says, "You did 'this'" and I say, "Well, you did 'that'" and she says, "What about that time in 1941 when you did 'this and that'?" I say, "I wasn't even born in 1941!" and she says, "Don't make excuses! If you were alive, you would have done it!" .....Huh?

Petty arguments always seem to come at inopportune times for me. I think they wait until the bottom of the ninth inning, game tied, two outs and bases loaded to begin their tirades. I wouldn't even think about interrupting a soap opera. I've seen enraged, crazy women before.

I recall once when I was married and my wife asked me what wanted for dinner. I told her I didn't care. Miffed, she asked me again, so I said. "How about steak and salad?" She said we were out of steak.

I said, "Let's have some dolphin fillets." She said,"They're packed in packets of four and it takes too long to defrost them." I quickly said, "What's in the oven right now?" Before she could think about her answer, she blurted, "Roasted chicken and whole potatoes." I said, "That's what I want for dinner." She hung up on me......another future argument.

Remeber, If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. ~ Dave Barry

And finally, women get the last word in every argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.....

The News As I See It: Obama's former press secretary, Jay Carney, will reportedly become a senior vice president at Amazon. Carney says he's excited to work for someone who doesn't take six years to deliver.

John Boehner said that Obama's veto of the Keystone XL pipeline was a "national embarrassment." Out of habit, Joe Biden said, "Here!"

Veterans Affairs Secretary Robert McDonald got in some hot water this week for saying that he served in the military's Special Forces when he never did. It gets even worse when you find out the place he actually served was Old Navy.

Marijuana is officially legal in Washington, D.C. or as Obama put it, "Clear some space, Michelle, Barry's starting his own garden!"

Hillary Clinton is receiving criticism after telling a crowd to "unlock their full potential," because that line is commonly used by another possible candidate, Carly Fiorina. People said, "You can’t just steal someone’s slogan like that!" and Hillary said, "Yes we can!"

A new study suggests that dishwashers may increase a child's risk of developing allergies. My advice is to stop washing your kids in the dishwasher.

Jamaica has officially decriminalized the possession of small amounts of marijuana for personal use. That would be great news if anyone in Jamaica had small amounts of marijuana.

This Date In History: 1844; Dominican Republic gained independence from Haiti. 1933; German Reichstag building in Berlin was destroyed by fire. 1951; The 22nd Amendment to the Constitution was ratified, limiting the President to two terms.

1973; Members of the American Indian Movement occupied the village of Wounded Knee, S.D. 1991; Kuwait was liberated in the Gulf War. 2003; Fred Rogers, of Mister Rogers' Neighborhood, died. 2012; Ali Abdullah Saleh stepped down as president of Yemen after months of protests.

Picture Of The Day: Arguments can get out of hand, .....and out of your garage, if you let them.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Disneyland just raised its ticket prices to $99 a day for kids over 10, however, kids with measles still get in free. 2) I've removed swimming with dolphins from my bucket list, mainly because I don't swim well and drowning with dolphins doesn't have quite the same appeal. 3) Hey! You geese crossing the road! You can fly.......! 

4) Christian Mingle: Find God's match for you. Because the Lord works in mysterious ways and I'm positive that setting up a website for his people to hook up is a top priority. 5) The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hit man you can trust.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopePisces - February 27th: Seek solace in the bosom of a loved one. If your loved one has a particularly ample bosom, be aware that there might be others already in there.

Birthdays: Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, poet 1807, Alice Hamilton, physician, reformer 1869, Hugo Black, Supreme Court Justice 1886, Marian Anderson, contralto 1897, John Steinbeck, American writer 1902, Ariel Sharon, general and politician 1928, Elizabeth Taylor, actress 1932, Ralph Nader, consumer advocate 1934.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy. When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously, "Is there a problem?"

The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes "I'm afraid so. I'm sorry but your notes got mixed up and we've given you a sex change rather than a vasectomy"

The patient is devastated and shockingly replies "Do you mean to say I'll never experience another erection" The surgeon pauses for a moment then says, "Well, you might, but it won't be yours."

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband sipping a glass of wine.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs wide enough that her husband asks, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

She answers with a seductive smile, "Yes....." Her husband says,   "Thank God, I thought you were sitting on the cat."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A guy is walking along a sandy southern beach when he comes across a brass lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it the proverbial rub.

A genie springs forth in a cloud and tells him, "You have been granted one wish. Not three. That's a myth. One is all you get, so make it count."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever." The genie says, "Sorry, I'm not allowed to grant eternal life." The guy says, "OK, then, I want to die right after the Democrats balance the budget and eliminate the debt."

The genie says, "You're a crafty bastard, aren't you."

A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life."

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000 bank account. However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?"

All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him, "Screw her again!"

That's it for today, my little fur babies. Remember, bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Here's A Thought - Let's Use Our Bodies As Coloring Books

I don't have any tattoos. No special reason, just never cared for them. Brother Kirt has a few. I remember his first one, the initials of his girlfriend at the time. Good thing they had the same initials. By the way, I brake for animals and pretty women with tattoos.

I don't particularly care if people have tattoos, that is, unless the tattoos are like the man we used to pay ten cents to see at the circus sideshow. Too much of anything gets boring after a while.....well, almost anything.

I like the cute little tats (notice I said "tats") on women. I don't care for the "tramp stamps" they put on or above their ass, it reminds me of of auto tags, They were once the rage with younger girls. They're mostly supposed to be some Asian prayer or deep thought, but I'm guessing they really say "Eat at Sun Ling's Restaurant".

The News As I See It: The White House announced that many Obamacare customers got the wrong tax information and may have to refile their taxes this year. It's pretty inconvenient — mainly just remembering what you lied about the first time you filed your taxes.

New Defense Secretary Ashton Carter said that he is open to letting transgender people serve in the military. He said there’s no reason to prevent people from being generals just because of their privates.

The country continues to deal with brutal weather. A group of teenagers in Colorado surprised their neighbors by shoveling 50 driveways and walkways for free. They didn't mean to. They were just too stoned to remember which house was theirs.

The only real Oscar surprises were that "Sniper" didn't win "Best Picture" and Lady Gaga's awesome rendition of "The Sound Of Music" and wore a beautiful dress. They should have had Julie Andrews come out covered in lunch meat or something.

A theater in Colorado accidentally played “Fifty Shades of Grey” instead of “The SpongeBob Movie” to a theater filled with children. Which explains its new name: SpongeBob NoPants. "50 Shades of Grey" has already made $400 million. But to be honest, that money's tied up.

This Date In History: 1570; Elizabeth I, queen of England, was excommunicated by Pope Pius V. 1836; Samuel Colt patented the first revolving barrel multishot firearm. 1870; Hiram Revels became the first black United States senator, taking over the term of Jefferson Davis.

1901; J.P. Morgan formed U.S. Steel Corporation, the first billion-dollar corporation in the world. 1948; Communists took control of the government in Czechoslovakia. 1964; Cassius Clay (Muhammad Ali) became world heavyweight boxing champion for the first time by knocking out Sonny Liston in Miami Beach.

1983; Tennessee Williams, American playwright, died. 1986; President Ferdinand Marcos fled the Philippines; Corazon Aquino took over the office. 1990; Violeta Chamorro was elected president of Nicaragua, a victory for opponents of the Sandinistas.

Picture Of The Day: Back in the day, a lot of guys, especially the military, got a tattoo on their arm. It was usually something simple like Mom or their girlfriend, sometimes even their military branch. I don't care for this one, but it's the only one I could find with my name.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Of all the things I've ever lost, I miss my mind the most. 2) As I get older, I'm really just looking for "Girls Gone Mild". 3) We should really thank our Dads for bringing us into this world since our Moms were probably tired and not in the mood. 4) I asked my girlfriend if she could name the four main food groups. she said, "Canned, frozen, drive-thru and fried." 5) A cute bank teller told me she wanted to make love to me in the bank vault. She's kind of kinky, but at least she's into safe sex......and that's five !

Today's HoroscopePisces - February 25th: Your long-term plans will come into fruition this month. Beware of speeding buses. Buy some scented candles, tonight may be filled with darkness and/or flatulence.

Birthdays: Pierre Auguste Renoir, French artist 1841, Enrico Caruso, tenor 1873, John Foster Dulles, Secretary of State 1888, Dame Myra Hess, pianist 1890, Anthony Burgess, novelist 1917, Bobby Riggs, tennis player 1918 George Harrison, musician 1943.

42-year-old Cameron Diaz was recently married to the multi-tattooed Benji Madden who promptly had her name tattooed to his chest. I guess there's no accounting for taste.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him and he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" The boy replied, "Canada, sir."

The manager asked, "Why did you leave Canada?" The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing in Canada but whores and hockey players."

The manager said, "My wife is from Canada." The boy replied, "No shit? What team did she play for?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A young couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred. Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet to pee and neglected to notice that the seat was up. When she sat, she kept going!

She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her. She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour tried desperately to free her.

In this process, they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs.

Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem. When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way.

Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber, grabbed a stuffed bunny from the bedroom and placed it over his wife's exposed privates.

The plumber walked into the bathroom, took a long look and said, "Well I think I can save your wife, Buddy, but the rabbit's a goner."

While acquainting himself with a new elderly female patient, the doctor asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years.....when my husband was alive."

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He said he knows you!"

That's it for today, my little moon pies. Remember, dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots and lisp. The moonlight will show me the way to happy hour in AREA 51.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

The Academy Awards Show Left A Bit To Be Desired

Sunday's Academy Awards, was a lengthy, boring event, with a few exceptions. Lady Gaga was impressive with her rendition of "The Sound Of Music" and even more impressive as she looked surprisingly good, nicely dressed and coiffed instead of looking like a tattooed something the cat dragged in. 

Best Picture went to "Birdman" and Best Director went to Alejandro González Iñárritu. Best actor went to Eddie Redmayne ("The Theory of Everything") while Best Actress went to Julianne Moore ("Still Alice"). Best Supporting Actor went to J.K. Simmons ("Whiplash") and Best supporting Actress went to Patricia Arquette ("Boyhood").

Lady Gaga went all out and looked great

Clint Eastwood's "The Sniper" was overlooked by the Academy voting members in spite of it's success, but voters being mostly from the liberal left, I wasn't very surprised.

Neal Patrick Harris failed to live up to his own hype and went off-script several times suffering from some really bad joke writing. I see a replacement for next year's Awards, but then again. what do I know?

"Best Actor" Eddy Redmayne

Some Oscars viewers and plenty of media types expressed outrage at Joan Rivers' exclusion immediately after Sunday's memorial segment, which featured the names and pictures of more than four dozen industry notables, including Robin Williams, James Garner, Lauren Bacall, Eli Wallach, Mike Nichols and others known for their work off screen. Maybe it's just me, But I can't name one Joan Rivers movie.

While running long, the liberal show types somehow had time to fit in their politics and causes. The overblown production numbers were shoddy at best and, of course, the buzz was all about "Selma" being "snubbed". Guess what folks, the members of the academy are the ones who vote for the nominees and affirmative action is not part of the criteria.

Joey Logano won the Daytona 500 after taking the lead on the 191st lap and holding on through a green-white-checkered finish at Daytona International Speedway on Sunday. The race ended on a caution when a wreck occurred further back behind the leaders.

Kevin Harvick and Dale Earnhardt Jr., Denny Hamlin and Jimmie Johnson rounded out the top five. Hendrick Motorsports stayed in front for the most part, before the 24-year-old Penske driver took the late lead. Pole-sitter Jeff Gordon, racing in his final Daytona 500, led more laps than any other driver but finished 33rd.

The new television agreement with NBC started off on the wrong foot as far as I am concerned with too many commercials, many of which were taken at the wrong time. Between the excessive commercials and the "personalities" of Darrell "Jaws" Waltrip and Kenny (dumb ass) Wallace, it was ofttimes difficult not to mute the sound, pre-race activities notwithstanding.

The News As I See It: The 87th annual Academy Awards was Sunday. It's the time of year when all the biggest movie stars get together and try to piece together what happened after they blacked out at the Golden Globes.

This year’s Oscar nominee gift bags were each worth over $167,000 and include items like free luxury car rentals and a stay at a five-star hotel in Tuscany. As opposed to the Emmys, where they get an AOL CD and two loose Twizzlers.

Wal-Mart announced that it will increase its employees' hourly wages by 40 percent. Workers are pretty excited because they'll finally make enough money to shop at Target.

This Date In History: 1821; John Keats, English Romantic poet, died. 1836; Mexican general Santa Anna began the siege of the Alamo. 1896; The Tootsie Roll was introduced by Leo Hirshfield.

1898; French novelist Emile Zola was convicted of libel and sentenced to jail for writing his "J'accuse" letter accusing the government of anti-Semitism and wrongly jailing Captain Alfred Dreyfus.

1942; The first Axis shelling of U.S. soil took place near Santa Barbara, California. 1945; U.S. Marines raised the American flag on Iwo Jima. 1997; Scottish scientists announced the successful cloning of a sheep, Dolly.

Picture Of The Day: The United States raised the American flag on the island of Iwo Jima after days of fighting the Japanese. This five-week battle comprised some of the fiercest and bloodiest fighting of the War in the Pacific of World War II. The 36-day assault resulted in more than 26,000 American casualties, including 6,800 dead.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I saw a kid yell at his dad at the shopping mall and say, "No way, you jerk!" I yelled at my dad once when I was 12, then I woke up and I was 13. 2) I used to call my ex-wife "Hun." She thought it was short for "honey." It was short for short for "Attila."  3) Kinky is when you bring a feather to use while having sex. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken. 4) My girlfriend complains about everything I do. It's like she doesn't know there are "Sexy singles in my area" that want to meet with me. 5) The next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say, "Sorry, I'm with a client." and that's five !

Today's HoroscopePisces - February 23rd: Shallow puddles may deceive you today. You may hear good news today from an excitable older woman who may turn out to have had a few drinks too many. Keep your distance, she may be trouble. On the other hand, if it's late and the night has been slow......

Birthdays: Samuel Pepys, diarist 1633, George Frideric Handel, German-English Composer 1685,  W. E. B. DuBois, author 1868, Peter Fonda, actor 1939, Viktor Yushchenko politician, president 1954, Crown Prince Naruhito, heir to the Japanese throne 1960, Michael Dell, entrepreneur 1965.

"Best Actress" Oscar went to Julianne Moore

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.

Asking questions during children's sermons is crucial. Asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

After the pastor asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

One morning a man comes into the church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches.

An altar boy witnessed the scene and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen. Without batting an eye, the priest says, "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?"

The altar boy relied, "Flat on his ass, Father, over by the holy water."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two bees met in a field. One said to the other, "How are things going?" The second bee answered, "Really bad. The weather has been cold, wet and damp and there aren't any flowers, so I can't make honey."

The first bee said, "No problem, just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit." The second bee replied, "Thanks for the tip" and flew away.

A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How'd it go?" The second bee said, "Great! It was everything you said it would be. There was plenty of fruit and, huge floral arrangements on every table."

The first bee asked, "Uh, what's that thing on your head?" The second bee answered, "That's my yarmulke. I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her U.S. government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question, then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria." The nun said, "I understand completely."

The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs." The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls. I don't want to go to Syria either."

That's it for today, my little tic tacs. Remember, temptation is everywhere, especially if you're willing to look for it.
More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, February 20, 2015

The Daytona 500 Weekend Is Underway

The NASCAR 2015 season has arrived and begins tonight with the Camping World Truck race, followed by the new Xfinity Series on Saturday and the biggest race of the year, the Daytona 500 on Sunday.

Jeff Gordon and Jimmie Johnson start on the pole and outside pole positions, respectively. Dale Earnhardt Jr. and Kyle Busch will make up the second row by virtue of winning their respective dual 125 qualifying races.

The dual 125 qualifying races was also bedlam as Danica Patrick and Denny Hamlin got into it twice in a matter of days with Danica being spun out by Hamlin both times.

An after race confrontation between Danica and Denny left an angry Danica in Denny's face while Denny attempted to explain his version of what happened. We'll see if this carries over to Sunday's race. 

The qualifying procedures for all three divisions has left a lot of people unhappy and the future of the procedure in question.Ty Dillon won the pole for tonight's truck race and the new qualifying procedure has left a lot of drivers scratching their heads.

On a side note: NASCAR has suspended Kurt Busch indefinitely for actions detrimental to stock car racing following the release today of a supplemental disposition setting forth the findings and conclusions that formed the basis for the Family Court of the State of Delaware’s decision on Monday to issue an Order of Protection from Abuse against him. Stewart-Haas Racing has not announced fill-in driver plans at this time.

The News As I See It: Jeb Bush gave a speech Wednesday. He had a pretty rough time. He accidentally said that ISIS has 200,000 men instead of 20,000 and then he mispronounced the name of the terrorist group Boko Haram. When reached for comment, his brother George W. said, "He sure sounds presidentiary to me."

During a trial in Brooklyn this week, it was revealed that a member of al-Qaida posed as a woman to attract less attention from authorities. It would have worked better if he had remembered to shave his beard.

The Oscars are this Sunday. Host Neil Patrick Harris said he hopes the broadcast will include a "Kanye moment." Unfortunately a Kanye moment may not be possible because that would require a black person to be at the Oscars.

Starbucks has launched a home delivery service. It's perfect for anyone too lazy to walk one block in any direction.

TLC is reportedly working on a spinoff of "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo." They're calling it, "You Idiots Will Watch Anything."

This Date In History: 1792; President George Washington signed the Post Office Act, establishing a permanent Post Office Department. 1809; The Supreme Court ruled the power of the federal government is greater than that of any individual state.

1895; Frederick Douglass, abolitionist, author, and orator, died. 1962; John Glenn became the first American to orbit Earth. 1998; Tara Lipinski won the Olympic figure skating gold medal. 2003; A fire in a nightclub in Warwick, Rhode Island, killed 100 and injured over 150.

Picture Of The Day: Dale Earnhardt Jr showed good speed and won his 125 qualifying race. He'll be one of the favorites on Sunday.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs? 2) Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I get out of the bed in the morning, I'd say I'm about 74% Rice Krispies.

3) If you're an atheist vegan, a runner, recently quit smoking and just had a new baby, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first? 4) My friend asked his wife if they could get a hot young nanny. Of course. she got mad and said "No!". When he asked her why, she said, "For one thing, we don't have any kids."

5) A liter of Johnnie Walker Black scotch......when you absolutely, positively need to wake up underneath your neighbor's swing-set.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopePisces - : A nearby construction company may approach you this morning in an attempt to fool you into thinking that the world is about to explode. It's probably a ruse, but keep your eyes on the exits, just in case.

Birthdays: Honore Daumier, caricaturist, painter 1808, Louis Kahn, architect 1901, Ansel Adams, American photographer 1902, Robert Altman, director 1925, Sidney Poitier, actor 1927, Bobby Unser, auto racer 1934, Buffy Sainte-Marie, singer, songwriter 1941, Phil Esposito, hockey player 1942, Kurt Cobain, musician 1967.

Ty Dillon starts on the pole for tonight's Camping World Truck series race

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A phenomena known as "women's intuition" a sixth sense if you will, is no myth. Women seem to know what's going on in their man's lives almost better than they do. Why is this?

In the early 80's, researchers discovered that women have more connections between the brain's two hemispheres than men do. It's these connections that allow them to put together a puzzle from seemingly un-connectable pieces. That, and they go through all your stuff while you're in the shower.

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch sit with the workers and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile said, "Do you men know Jesus Christ?" They shook their heads and looked at each other.

One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?" One of the steelworkers asked why. The worker yelled, "His wife is here with his lunch."

Kyle "Rowdy" Busch will bear watching in Saturday's Xfinity Series race

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A woman quickly realized that the large wave had unceremoniously dispatched the top part of her bikini into the deep. More than a little embarrassed, she clasped her arms across her chest and made a dash for her car. She could sense everyone gawking at her along the way.

Upon entering the parking lot a little boy, who was following his mother to the beach asked, pointing to her arms, "Are those puppies you're carrying in there?"

Not wanting to explain what had really happened, the woman replied, "Why yes, yes they are. She quickly moved on but heard the boy shout after her, "If you're giving them away, I'll take the one with the pink nose!"

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would come in with him and be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed screwing another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your Green Bay Packer season tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership and he even pay s the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold!

That's it for today, my little tidbits. Remember, the "Law of Probable Dispersal" states that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. It's too cold for AREA 51 tonight, not to mention the NASCAR truck race on TV. Samantha and I will be watching.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !