Friday, January 13, 2017

I Don"t Always CH CH CH AW AW AW

I'm not superstitious, but today is Friday the 13th. Don't press your luck if you go out tonight. I wouldn't trust your date if they're late because they were sharpening their machete. This is not a night to be naked. I feel secure at home, sitting safely in my bathroom, covered in peanut butter. This wards off evil spirits.

While the fear of Friday the 13th is often referred as Triskaidekaphobia (which is fear of the number 13), the correct word is Paraskevidekatriaphobia (Fear of Friday the 13th). I occasionally have Stultophobia, which is fear of stupid people who invent phobias. Stultophobia is also known as Dumbassophobia.

There are things you can do to avoid bad luck. For example, if a woman has excessive belly fat and a muffin-top, it can be fatal.....especially if you mention it to her. On Friday the 13th in 1966, a white Detroit sociologist, who had just demonstrated his lack of fear by walking under 13 ladders and throwing a black cat through a mirror, was run over by a black rapper.

I'm not saying to stay at home and curl up under the bed, but I'm also not advocating that you walk in front of a Mack truck to test the theory either. To me, it's the little things to keep an eye on this evening.

For example, I wouldn't recommend arguing with a woman wearing a black hat tonight. It also occurs to me to avoid hanging out with any of my friends who might be named Jason. No, for the most part, I'm not superstitious but I don't push my luck, either. But, that's just me.....

The News As I See It: Rumors are circulating that Hillary Clinton could run for mayor of New York City later this year. While Bill could run to be the next "Naked Cowboy" in Times Square.

On Twitter, porn actress Jenna Jameson bashed Meryl Streep for her Golden Globe speech. Wow, it’s going to be awkward the next time Jameson and Streep do a movie together.

Music streaming app Spotify offered Obama a job as "President of Playlists." Funny, most ex-presidents get offered jobs as corporate lobbyists and they ask the black guy if he wants to be a DJ.

This Date In History: 1898; French writer Emile Zola published his "J'Accuse" letter, accusing the French of a cover-up in the Alfred Dreyfus treason case. 1941; Novelist James Joyce died in Zurich. 1990 Douglas Wilder of Virginia became the first elected African-American governor in the United States.

1999; Michael Jordan announced his second retirement from the NBA. He would "unretire" again in 2001. 2002; After 17,162 performances, The Fantasticks ended its almost 42-year off-Broadway run.

Picture Of The Day: My black cats, Samantha and Scooter, are glaring at me for posting this picture. Actually, Scooter is black and white. He's the mulatto in the family.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The argument between sex versus heart attack can be solved by dating a nurse.  2) Jesus said to Peter, "Come forth and I will give you eternal glory." Peter came fifth and won a toaster. 3) Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn't spent a lot of time around millennials. 4) I think there should be a mandatory test at age 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.  5) I got a postcard from a blonde girlfriend of mine. It said, "I'm having a great time. Where am I?".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - January 13th: Your task today is to keep these words in mind: Give a liberal a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a liberal to fish, he'll add to the global over-depletion of the oceans, then complain about global warming while he cashes his government check at the liquor store, so just give him the damned fish.

Birthdays: Jan van Goyen, landscape painter 1596, Salmon P. Chase, public official and jurist 1808, Horatio Alger, American writer 1832, Elmer Davis, radio commentator 1890, Gwen Verdon, dancer, actor 1925, Charles Nelson Reilly, actor, theater director 1931, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, actress 1961, Patrick Dempsey, actor 1966, Orlando Bloom, actor 1977.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man picked up his sexy date at her parent's home. He had saved enough money to take her to a fancy restaurant. She ordered shrimp cocktail, foie gras, lobster and Dom Perignon champagne, the most expensive items on the menu.

He asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?" She replied, "No, but my mother's not expecting sex tonight." He asked, "What would you like for dessert?"

A man goes into Barnes and Noble's book store and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises? She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet." The man says, "Yeah that's the one, I'll take a copy please.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my dear friend Linda for her contributions to today's stories.

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked, "Have you ever done anything of particular merit to allow you through the gateway to Heaven?"

The cowboy said, "Well, I can think of one thing. On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed. He asked, "When did this happen?" The cowboy replied, "A couple of minutes ago."

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs...enough times till her husband says, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" With a seductive smile, the woman purred, "Yes."

Her husband says, "Thank God, for a moment, I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa."

That's it for today, my little peas. Remember, If you take the Ginko, you might be able to remember where you put the Viagra. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Friday, January 6, 2017

Aging Is Like Trying To Keep A 1949 Ford Running

At what point in life does the body decide it's time to begin to thin your hair and change the color to grey? Seemingly, at the same time, it also decides to begin to grow hair out of every possible orifice on your face at a growth rate that's eerily alarming.

Whatever the reason, the body, for its own security, must feel that if the eyes open one day and see the person in the mirror with completely grey hair, it will signal the brain that surely someone is terribly wrong. So the body uses a slow but sure sneak attack.

It begins when you find that first grey hair, which to some degree, amuses you. Little by little, the body throws in another grey hair here, one there, thinning the hair on its merry way and the next thing you know, you hair is referred to as "salt and pepper."

Women, on the other hand, usually become somewhat hysterical at the sight of a grey hair, which accounts for the billions of dollars earned yearly by cosmetic companies.

Then, one day, you notice that your nose hair, which you normally groom weekly, now has a growth rate of about a half inch a day and oddly, hair now begins to grow out of your ears at the same rate. So, now you have parts of your head trying to grow through your thinning hair and the hair growth process has accelerated and moved to your nose and ears.

Thoughts of "Just For Men" begin to grow in your mind until one day, you go for the old "touch up". Now, for the first time in your life, you experience and live through the term "chemical burn" which abruptly ends the hair coloring plan. You suddenly begin to admire women who suffer through this process.

Finally, the body's "coup d'etat" is that one hair, expertly hidden by the body in a remote area that your eyes rarely see, which is roughly five inches long. Once found and cut, this "wild hair" now grows even more rampantly and the first real signs of life in "the home" begins to be a realization in your mind's eye. Trust me, I know. I've escaped three times.....

The News As I See It: If you want to go to the Super Bowl this year, it will cost you a lot of money, double what they were last year. The average asking price is obscene. Do people not know the game is on television this year?

A man in Vietnam was hospitalized after doctors realized that he had a pair of scissors in his digestive system that had been left there by a previous surgery that he had 18 years ago. The sad part is after they sewed him up the second time the doctor was like wait, "where's my watch?" Amazingly, he rarely suffered any pain over those 18 years, but from time to time, he did get a bit snippy.

This Date In History: 1540; King Henry VIII of England married his 4th wife, Anne of Cleves. 1759; George Washington married Martha Custis. 1838; Samuel Morse gave the first public demonstration of the telegraph.

1912; New Mexico became the 47th state in the United States. 1919; Former president Theodore Roosevelt died in Oyster Bay, N.Y. 1987; University of California astronomers first witnessed the birth of a galaxy that contained 1 billion stars.

1994; Figure skater Nancy Kerrigan clubbed on leg by men including husband of rival skater Tonya Harding.

Picture Of The Day: I may be getting older, but I'm still proud to be an American.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'll bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave. 2) Kudos to whoever scheduled Valentine's candy to show up just as everyone is giving up on New Year resolutions. 3) Even when I’m mad at my girlfriend, I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not. 4) Cuisine is something like food, but the portions are smaller and the prices are higher. If you happen to like French cuisine, the waiter will insult you as you are served.  5) At my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was, so I finally told them the dingo ate her.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - January 6th: Chew the cud with some friends today. Their inane chatter may amuse you. The randomness of the universe may affect you today as you search for meaning in a cornflake that looks a lot like your ex-mother-in-law.

Birthdays: Alexander Hamilton, statesman 1755, Ezra Cornell, financier 1807, Sir John Macdonald, statesman 1815, Alice Paul, activist 1885, Alan Paton, novelist 1903, Jean Chr├ętien, politician 1934, Mary J. Blige, singer, songwriter 1971.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other's values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other's company. After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage.

She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little. "Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but how's your health?" The old man answers, "It's okay. I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life."

The old woman says, "Well, I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself. How are you fixed financially?" The old man said, "So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable. You don't have to worry about me sponging off you. I can support myself".

The little old lady blushes and finally asks him,"And how's your sex life...." The old man replies, "Infrequently." The widow ponders this for a moment or so, then asks, "And is that one word or two?"

A guy walked into a bar and after a couple of drinks, said to the bartender, "I’ve got this great Polish joke."

The bartender glared and warned him, "Before you go telling that joke, I think you ought to know that I’m Polish, the two bouncers on the door are Polish and most of my customers are Polish."

The guy replied, Okay, "I’ll tell it slowly."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties.

Maude and Thelma, two old spinsters, are watching from the front porch swing across the street when Maude says to Thelma, "These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?"

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. Once more, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

That's it for today, my little New Year's resolution breakers. Remember, a chicken coop always has two doors. If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Sunday, January 1, 2017

Welcome 2017

Christmas was great. I hope everyone got what they wanted. Me? I got a sweater. I really wanted a moaner, but you can't always get what you want. I also got a new shirt and a piece of ass. Both were too big. Good riddance to 2016 and Obama. Welcome 2017 and better times! 

I didn't make any plans for New Year's Eve but every year I seem to find a way to celebrate the New Year. I usually try to stay close to home as all the amateur drinkers are on the road.

On top of that, most restaurants and bars raise their prices and I'm not in the mood to have my pocket picked for a glass of bad champagne, a hat and a noise maker.

Dilema solved. I woke up from my nap at 12:10 am.

For many people, the highlight of New Year's Eve is watching the ball drop in Times Square. Big deal. I've seen lots of balls drop this year. I watched all of the Miami Dolphins' games.

But if you've never had the pleasure of being out on New Year's Eve, I guess you have to try it once or twice, It's where auld acquaintance be forgot, unless, of course, those tests come back positive.

New Year's Eve is amateur night for those unaccustomed to drink. This, of course, means you have to limit your normal consumption so your defensive driving is at it's best.

Nevertheless. I wish all of my family, friends and readers a safe and very Happy New Year. May all your troubles last as long as your New Year resolutions.

The News As I See It: Why would anyone who doesn’t drink want to go out on New Year’s Eve? Not only do you pay outrageous prices to be around a bunch of drunks, but the next morning you actually remember it!

One year, we did it Mom and Dad's way on New Year's Eve. We broke open a package of Doritos, flipped on the TV and watched Paul Anka's hair fall out. Hey, it's better than watching that sissy Anderson Cooper and the ever sleazy Cathy Griffin.

I used to love New Year's Eve in the old days. One year, I went to Houston and we bet the rest of the guacamole dip on whether Mickey Gilley would fall off the piano stool.

I set a new record in 2016. I will start the new year as the proud owner of 17 odd socks.

This Date In History: 1853; The United States bought some 45,000 sq mi of land from Mexico in the Gadsden Purchase. 1911; Sun Yat-sen was elected the first president of the Republic of China. 1922;

The Union of the Soviet Socialist Republics was established through the confederation of Russia, Byelorussia, Ukraine, and Transcaucasian Federation. 1940; California's first freeway opened.

1972; President Nixon halted the heavy bombing on North Vietnam. 1993; Israel and the Vatican signed an agreement of mutual recognition to put an end to Jewish-Christian hostilities.

Picture Of The Day: And a Happy New Year to you, as well, little man....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Xanax - Keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981. 2) The way I deal with unexpected cobwebs to the face tells me why I am not of much use in bar fight. 3) Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into the conversation, even if I'm not sure what it means. 4) As my car spun uncontrollably close to a crowd, my Korean friend screamed, "Hit the Blakes !" I screamed, "I Can't Be That Selective !" 5) Call me crazy but "dropping the ball" does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 30th: Love comes when you least expect it. Every day is a winding road, they say. This is especially true today when you find a woman walking down a winding road with you.

Birthdays: John Milne, seismologist 1850, Rudyard Kipling, British Author 1865, Alfred E. Smith, political leader 1873, Paul Bowles, writer and composer 1910, Jack Lord, actor 1920, Bo Diddley, singer, guitarist and songwriter 1928, Sandy Koufax, baseball player 1935, Jeff Lynne, singer, songwriter and music producer 1947, Tracey Ullman, comedian, actress and singer 1959, Bennett Miller, filmmaker 1966.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The flood of Democrats crossing the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the immigration. Canadian citizens have complained that the liberals are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.

An Ottawa resident said, "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them. One of them even asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. I mean how many Art, History and English majors does one country need?"

On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. It was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Murray was in no shape to drive on New Year's Eve, so he sensibly left his car in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman, who inquired, "What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?"

Murray answered, "I'm on my way to a lecture." The cop asked, "Who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?" Murray slurred grimly, "My wife."

Rachel was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?"

Max, smiling broadly, answered, "You'll know at midnight, my love."

At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Rachel and handed her small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled, "The meaning of dreams."

Max never heard the shot.....

That's it for today, my little tipplers. Remember, they say all of this started because Eve ate an apple. Clearly, the book was altered. Everyone knows it had to be chocolate. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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